fostertale-blog

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Holy-mother-of-WOW!

I think most people that have biological kids that I know just thought it'd be cool to get pregnant and I think there is some natural fascination in seeing the mad Pokemon mashup of you and your partners kids. I get that part of it fine. But like, if you say you can't love a non-biological kid you are either ignorant or just a bad person. Personally I only want to adopt because I am Not Into Babies.

Honestly I just don’t understand the people who spend so much money on hormones or IVF or surrogacy. Adoption is expensive and there are barriers but the determination to spend so much money and resources to have “your own” child, that’s what weirds me out.

Everyone in my family is recognizably related, so I guess that’s cool for parents, but if you want a child, don’t you just want a child? Don’t you just want someone to love and care for, who needs your love and support? The focus on it being “my” child, throwing so much money in the hopes of getting pregnant, when you could be putting it into meeting children, children who already exist, who you could love… someone posted a (truly, I think) heartbroken status about how hard they and their partner are trying to get pregnant and how 100 people have announced pregnancies in the time they’ve been trying and asking people to spare a thought for infertile people, and infertility is a barrier for poor people but when you start spending serious money on fertility treatments &c–you could also be adopting a kid. No uncertainty. You could be having and loving a child already at that point, you just don’t want that child. You don’t want that kind of child. You want your own.

That’s why I think is baffling and mystifying. There are so many amazing and lovable kids that people don’t want. They would rather throw thousands and thousands into processes that may or may not work. I think it’s so crazy. I didn’t love working in daycares but it was really rare not work with kids who were lovable and charming, flexible plastic child brains are so hilarious and funny and bizarre! Spending time with any kid, it’s hard not to start loving the ridiculous little freaks. And some of them are SO lovable and loving.

I have no inkling of what would be inside someone to be focused on needing their own blood child over everything else. I don’t get it.

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Only vaguely foster related - I got a call for help raising this little chipmunk.  He’s about 4-5 weeks old, and hopefully will be ready for release in another 5-6 weeks.

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My god, I hope Arizona isn’t this bad.  A link to the actual report:  http://www.nyc.gov/html/doi/downloads/pdf/2016/May%202016/14-ACS%20Report%2005-03-16_FINAL%20w%20Report.pdf

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The Agency walk through went well (of course) and I’m working through all of the paperwork now.  In other news, I met a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) through a friend who has made it her special mission to bring me into the foster care circle.  Yesterday she had court for one of her cases and suggested that we make a day of it and go together.  I sat through about 8 cases and learned quite a bit!  @fosterhood always says that spending a day in court should be required education for perspective foster parents, and after yesterday I understand why.

There were a variety of different kinds of hearings, with very little actual movement on any of them.  However I must say, I was extremely impressed by the judge (who apparently presides over all DCS cases in my district).  She knew all of the parties by name, and recalled prior details of each case.  She spoke directly and frankly with everyone, including children (when age appropriate) and foster parents.  Her office had even been responsible for obtaining a bike for one child for Christmas, which she delivered personally.

I was surprised by the number of phone-ins, whether they were working foster parents, working birth parents, or birth parents attending from prison.  Even an older foster child who didn’t want to see her bio mom (or miss a day of school) but wanted to be involved in her case attended and spoke via phone.

Over all I was surprised how much less like a criminal case the entire format was, and how much more like a conversation it was.  All of the lawyers and their various clients sat at a single, long table facing the judge.  Everyone in the room spoke frankly, with little structure and a lot of civility.  And while everyone’s interests were legally represented, the judge continually brought the conversation around to the child’s best interests.  And whether or not that was lip service, I left with a lot of respect for her because of it.

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Tommorrow the agency recruiter is coming to my house for the first time to do a walk through, and start on some paperwork.  I know there’s nothing to worry about.  I know my house is adequate.  Some might even say it’s adorable and well kept.  My two cats are healthy, well cared for, and sociable.  My frig is stocked.  Laundry is done.  My rational brain knows that there is nothing to worry about.  And yet...

Here I am worrying.  Will she care that I haven’t finished the laundry closet remodel... and that it’s currently doorless and lightless?  Will she freak out that the closet in my guest bedroom (the little’s eventual bedroom) is currently filled with tools, building supplies and chemicals?  Will she be impressed that I have a pack of new smoke detectors awaiting her suggestion on where to install?  Should I plan on her being late and cancel my afternoon plans?

And the ever gnawing fear of personal rejection.  I *know* how low the bar is for foster parents.  I know that they’re desperate, and will take most anyone that isn’t a violent criminal.  I do know these things.  But it’s hard to put ones self out there and risk not measuring up.  Not being good enough to parent.

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After almost 10 years of knowing that I wanted to become a parent through adoption, I’ve finally decided that I’m ready to begin the process of adoption through the foster care system.  Why would I do that to myself, you ask?  Especially when getting knocked up could be so much easier for a young, presumably healthy young woman?  I imagine my answer to that question will evolve over time.  But right now, from my current position of naivety I’ll offer the following:

My mother died when I was young, and my father was never in the picture.  I was the youngest of a sibling group, and my mother’s family did their best to absorb us.  Even so, we all remained “in the system” until we were 18 years old.  I feel like I was the luckiest.  Living with one relative throughout my childhood, I had a lot of stability that many kids in foster care do not.  But even so I have a deep understanding of early childhood trauma.  I know what it’s like to feel displaced, abandoned.  I have my own experiences of abuse.  And even in a loving, stable home, I know the toll that a traumatic past can take on the developing mind.

For this reason, i’m drawn to foster care.  For all of its messiness, for all of its challenges, for all of the potential heart ache - there is the possibility for profoundly positive impact on the lives of some of the most vulnerable children.  Vulnerable children that I can empathize with.