freaksneedfriendstoo - Tumblr blog

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

A life cycle is similar to a wash cycle in that we go through all the same months and thematic holidays over and again... Trying to create and establish moments that can brighten our lives Like a fresh detergent that can deter the redundancy we exist in... If in my mind all is silent and still and I dont entertain any persuasively anxious thoughts, but just ignore... If I ignore myself maybe I will go away? I will stop weeping like a sky pouring down with rain? Can I ever mean something; feel exquisite or am I a dying trend? Would you hold onto me? A crushed soul wishing for a friend... Tears blurred my eyes and my passion slowly bled away All that I am is an artist's crumpled up page; paint my eyes darker; paint my face with soft hues of pain Whispers of delicate beauty reminisce as strokes caressing the page Bold strokes render what the hurt tore away Am I a canvas, a lone piece of art? Alone in a world that so breaks my heart

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Fell.. I fell down through this space Gone with finality.. Leaving no trace All these feelings I couldn't erase Lost without the liberty of grace Fractured souls always just want to escape A quietly refined, overly dramatic mess Disillusioned by this busted heart in my chest My name selected by a raffle of deep regrets I feel so sad now.. So numb, so still Writing broken words for deaf ears.. Alive.. I'm a life.. Swept beneath an emotional rug of misunderstanding I feel like a rich gravy, forgotten, An inglorious coagulation in a pan Two empty, shaky hands Left grasping to understand Right to never fully comprehend When I fight I throw off the gloves Let loose love before I forever faint Stirred with longing for warmth and flavor A meaningful embrace.. I am dust crying out to the wind "Take me with you! Don't leave me here without a friend.. You tore me apart; unable to ever put me together again.."

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

The love ran back into my misshapen heart as water flows back into the places its been; refilling the spaces it once knew... That I have been empty and filled and filled and emptied; My heart whisking to and fro learning how to bleed... Pouring my love into dark spaces where nothing grows- What do I owe myself for writing my feelings into dreams? 1000 shards of uninhibited reality into a vibrant being?

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

The oil splashed all around; against the cold, paved ground Creating a cascade of swirling, metallic colours A random artistic serenade For my eyes to catch as I passed by that way Cosmic shades so highlighted under the streetlight For a moment in the world all seemed cool and right A brief mural for a dark, rainy night If my tears fell with splashes of metallic purple, gold and green would I think myself beautiful then? My strong, fiery spirit now so broken; poured out onto the ground with a glassy, colourful sheen As the desending sun had gradualy set my cosmic tears could be as final blazing rays All I was and all I ever will be ending with this strange, abstract masterpiece?

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Resilient Faith

You can allow the friction that wears and my heart can be as a rag that tears I can learn resilience as my pummeled soul is bared My heart pouring out poems to me like sweet songs filled with pain Your song of victory calls to me, drawing like a beacon of hope When it has all come apart, flooding down upon me in a torrential rain Would You press me back together with care in a grand, enveloping hug Until tightly I am confined; safely in the strength of true love; only in Your arms I find As a clam reveals its new friction polished pearl Let me shine for you Jesus as a new creation in this world There is something in me that longs for You and weeps And the friction wore away at my madness until quietly I felt Your peace...

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

I felt the earth shaking but then realized the reverberation was only in my mind My soul was spinning on my unstable axis and life was never something I could rewind It was the vertigo that made me slip I never meant to be sick Could you help me to not twitch Could you define what makes me tick? The hands of my clock i can never shove backwards and they are spinning faster and faster now towards an everafter I am altered in my mind I am a superhero, alert me if anyone is unkind Im an adventurous road trip that im never going to take Behold that doesnt stop me from momentous dreaming Im an upscale upheaving of mental mountain peaking Im a desperate creature longing for a friend Would you hold my hand and I will take a deep breath while counting to ten Try to find the courage that make the broken stand A resilient faith that broken hearts can mend in Jesus' sure hands

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Emotional Landfill

I feel like the X's are all lining up and I aint got no O's In the game of life Im beyond scared and I choke Beyond despair, beyond hope Like my ticket is punched but im not ready; I never know where to go Im an emotional landfill and my hearts a landmine Maiming me everytime Life always fits me like shoes that are too tight and i never feel alright My blistered well being makes me feel sub human I tried to throw in my two cents but they aint movin Ppl ask me if im ok and im so far gone i waver like a transistor short wave My eyes reflect my broken down heart with a vacant glaze Im overdone, Im overkilled My eyes are empty holes from which tears pouringly spill So insecure, i feel so insecure like the floor got pulled from beneath my feet I fall through the hole in my soul never landing just falling and falling some more Im not ok, my strained emotions are a drowing undertow My life, my heart got lost, for so long put on hold Just hang up on me pls cause i really dont know who i am anymore I dont know what to say, to say the least My feelings are crushing me I dont know when to whisper, I dont know when to scream I dont know what was my fault, was it all my fault? Daddy am i a portrait of insanity? Im poured out and numb Im not real but im not fake dum diddy dum Im a downwards rushing stream Flushing out into a terribly vibrant ocean of broken hearts and dreams Dont listen to me.

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

#lol #dora

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

“Im scared, will you go with me?” in my frigid dream it was all i could say; as ive been a little girl a long time lost in the endless corridors of her brain. I opened the window and still i couldnt smell the fresh air and it was like there was nothing inside me and the world was bare. I watched as the wind moved the leafless branches of the trees but there was no breeze in my mind it was frozen in unease. Like i couldnt ever actually wake up from this bad recurring dream and I know where the stale old ghosts stay who are haunting me. I smiled at the repugnant nothingness with insanity. My eyes startle me in that moment as they are like liquid honey mixed with fire. I give them a second glance in the mirror and wonder by what a soul am I inspired?

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Excuse me? Can you hold my bleeding heart for a minute. I need to wash my hands. Trying to get a grip is like trying to clutch a handful of sand. As though I was a leaf that was born dried up and dead. My life from the beginning; my detachment from everything that could have made me vibrant. My life in its entirety, my slow, haunted descent as I swayed back and forth hypnotically to the cold, uncaring ground. As though my life were a parade of denial and loss as everything and everyone that was never meant to be mine paraded past me allowing me to breifly, delicately caress each, so as to forever long for them. Shame and worthlessness my just desserts and the admission cost; my sanity. Just accept and let go, accept and let go. Dont fall because we wont keep hold.

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Looks like the girls secretly got my phone again! lol

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Just Give Me Jesus ❤

Lord if i could put into words what You mean to me Pour my heart out like water You mean more then living and breathing to me Nothing means more than having You here with me Im going to show my heart for You by living in faith Putting into action the transformation You made Show Your unfailing love to others Show them Your amazing love and grace I want to be mature in faith and close to Your heart This is why Im made You’re the reason Im here I want to live for You with every breath I breathe Life is to know You and use this vessel to be Your hands and feet Share the Good News always remembering what You endured The sacrifice You made so we could be made free You bled and died to give us new life Eternal hope and give us the relationship with You that before was out of reach You are perfect and holy and thanks to Your sacrifice I can know You and be redeemed This love is the greatest love that has ever been Lord my heart aches for You You surely mean everything to me I want to be a light for Jesus He can light up any darkness just like His fire chased away all the darkness for me Now I can see I can see what we are made to be Children of God living a life filled with righteousness and heartfelt good deeds By the power of God’s Holy Spirit I can bear His fruit of love, joy and peace What an amazing new life Jesus my Saviour has given to me Forever thankful and grateful to belong to God the Mighty King I worship You Lord the One my heart adores I will sing praises to the Great I AM The Lord Almighty Jesus my Saviour, my King

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

My name is Julie and I have a very real and moving Testimony I would like to share with you. Please share this with anyone struggling with mental health, abuse or addiction so that they can know Gods power.

I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises. I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised. I spent my youth very bullied and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play. I liked to be alone and at 11 I was taken to a psychiatrist because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my micheal jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch.

I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. My adoptive parents didnt even know me anymore when they visited.

At Whitby I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by a team of psychiatrists. I frequently would run away from the group home crossroads and once in a fit of rage I climbed the fire escape and threw myself off the roof. An ambulance arrived and put me on a board. I had hairline fractured my lower back.

Shortly after this I ran away from there for good and met up with a 25 year old man named Andrew. I was 16 at the time He was homeless and I stuck to him like glue as he showed me how to live on the street. He had a terrible temper and would beat me especially when he was drunk. I spent 11 months with him living on the street in abandonded houses, under a bridge and for a short time in an apartment in Bradford they we got through a worker. The police would get called to the apartment because people would hear me screaming from him hitting me. I was abusing cocaine and would use anything I could to get high.

After we left there we stayed on the street again and one night around 2am Andrew was drunk and he was literally beating me to death. He was sitting on me and just going at it. He put his hand in my mouth and tried to break my jaw. When I looked in his eyes it was like he didnt even know me anymore. The thought came into my mind to yell at him and desperate I started yelling at him to get away from me. To my astonishment he actually walked away from me yelling at me. I got up and ran pausing for moment to gaze a my reflection in a store window. My face was all swollen and bruised. I ran behind a mall and found a man making deliveries who called mall security who called the police.

I got placed in a group home in Newmarket called Heritage Lodge. I met a 26 year old drug dealer named Doug and started dating him. He got me into using needles shooting cocaine and oxycitin. I would abuse any pills to get high such as Gravol. He would also hit me and I got kicked in the head by him 2 times in a row with shoes on so hard I blacked out for a moment. He got arrested for this and then I went back to him about 6 months later. I had no feelings of self worth or real love.

When I was 18, I took an overdose of pills and went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a small room to wait and see someone. The room had a framed picture on the wall and sadly I broke the glass in the frame and I slit my wrists so badly up and down my forearm that my arm is disfigured by scars for the rest of my life. 4 thick, ropey scars.

At 19 I got pregnant by Doug and went with the baby to a womans shelter when the baby was around 3 months old. We went to Rosalie Hall in Scarborough and Sandgate womans shelter. I recieved emergency housing and was given a one bedroom apartment in a co-op. So now it was just me and my baby. My adoptive parents lent me a small black and white tv and a sleeping bag and I would camp out on the floor snuggling my baby until I got furniture.

After about a year I felt this urgency to find out the truth in life. I went to a used book store called Random Books to see what I could find. I found a book called There’s A New World Coming. The title sparked my interest so I bought it. I took it home and read it right through. It was all about Bible prophecy. At the end of the book was a prayer to recieve Jesus as your Saviour. I recognized that I was a terrible sinner and jumped at the chance to have a Saviour. I prayed for Jesus to be my Saviour and to forgive my sins. I confessed my faith in Him.

Then I tell you the truth I felt God’s indescribable, powerful love washing over me like gentle ocean waves. I spent like a week crying and praying. Confessing my sins. You see having borderline disorder the only thing I had ever felt was desperation. Desperation to be loved but I had no idea what love was nor could I express it. I had felt rage, I had felt pain like there was a giant hole in my chest.

In that moment God filled that hole with His love and peace. He gave me His Holy Spirit and great faith. He forgave me for all my wretched sins because of His great mercy. I have never been the same.

I began distributing Bible tracts and going to church. I got baptised on June 12 2005 and my baptism certificate sits by my bed. Instead of self destruction and self hatred I can by the power of the Holy Spirit feel love and compassion for others. I will help anyone and am moved to express love for others in whatever way I can.

God has filled me with His great compassion for the homeless as I know what it is like to sit panhandling. This new creation He has made in me prepares packages with Bible tracts and gift cards and treats and now I go seek out the broken and the lost on the streets of Toronto every two months.

This Christmas the Holy Spirit moved me to prepare gifts for the homeless and I set out Christmas morning with a hockey bag filled with wrapped packages of pot of gold chocolates, gift cards, handmade cards filled with Scriptures about hope and belonging. ‘No Greater Love Then Jesus’ is what the covers read. God uses me to bring His love to them. God’s love and compassion are the most beautiful things I have ever felt and He fills my heart in an indescribable way. This is just one example of what God has done in my life.

So when people dont believe in God I can tell them without a doubt that God is real. He has done a miracle in me. Everything in the Bible is true. God is good. He is pure in everyway. He is light and He sent His Son Jesus to destroy the works of the devil. The devil devours kids like I was but the Lord rescues them. He saves them.

My name is Julie and I am a living testimony that God is mighty to save and with His Spirit, He can transform even the most broken, hopeless person. Its all about having faith in Jesus and surrendering to His Spirit. Chris Tomlin music has helped me greatly with this as it is so soothing to my soul.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentless, faithfulness and self control. I really rely on God’s Holy Spirit as apart from Him I cant feel love, peace, compassion or joy. It’s not things I can or have produced on my own. The works of the flesh (me without Jesus) were all destructive and led to death. Here is my poem called broken that I wrote 12 years ago during the first week I was saved. It poured from me like water.

BROKEN I look at my wrists, I see the scars I search my soul, I know my shame I’ve been led by the blind and beaten down by sin I should have died, but You wouldn’t let them win I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms I know your glory has overcome all pain I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering A love unimaginable, how can this be In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness I looked for the way Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope You showed me a path that I can now take Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice This girl will never fade away I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands I am Yours, You have made me new again Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean Thank you Father, my cross I’ll bear 'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky All Your children will run to You with a happy cry And there I’ll be, tucked safely under Your wing As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me I love you Lord Jesus

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Mighty To Save

This battles so over and done Ive cried an ocean of tears, I’ve completely come undone Lord ive been so broken when i wasnt giving into you My flesh had me torn and dead inside, not knowing what to do God showed me His faithfulness He comforted me with His unfailing love I learned not to rebel but to trust You were there for me when I needed you You gave me a new heart that bursts with love for You I look to the cross because the Lord gave His life so I could be new My heart of stone you removed You gave me a heart of flesh filled with love for all the things you do Your love, your mercy, your compassion My heart responds and I want to do what You do To love and care like you do Making myself an open vessel for you to use Let me share your love on these broken streets Help those in need Share the comfort and peace you first gave me Lord you’re King of my heart and your Spirit reigns in me Sin cant conquer me the chains were broken when i trusted in you Now im alive im so brand new Sin left me hopeless and relying on my flesh Anxiety and depression cycled through my heart instead But when I trust in you Lord Your Spirit sets me free Guiding me to do good things you’ve planned for me Your Spirit rules in me and Im all about love, joy and peace You break sins chains This life is all about You Theres no rest for the wicked Lord i turn from evil and look to only to You Peace is relying on Gods Holy Spirit to change everything we do Rest in Him and have a humble gentle heart Spread love everywhere with a smile on my face Knowing You love me and I am forgiven Covered by Your grace Your power is so great Your plans are life changing Im swept away Give your life to Jesus, there is no chain He cant break There wont be another smile you’ll have to fake Because His love is unfailing and genuine He goes all the way flooding the darkness with His light Chasing the pain away He gives me love and I am saved by His amazing grace This love is deeper, this grace is wider then I could ever anticipate Little ones in His hands are forever safe We are His little ones when we believe in Him always Believe it the Lord is Mighty to Save

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Everything I Have Ever... If I said I was a flower would you ask me to wilt? Melt me into a fragrance to be bottled and sold on a shelf If my heart failed would still I twitch? Shake like a leaf clinging desperately to its tree About to be blown off and cast into the sea A fragile boat sailing away Could you rescue me? Could I borrow your heart for a beat? If my eyes were stone would you tell me what you see? My vision is distorted can you render the world onto me If I was a shot in the dark would you be my mark? Might I pierce you with my love? Is loyalty a journey to embark? Have I ever been enough Am I a plastic doll longing for air Would you breathe for me if my lungs collapse Catch me if I fell like a star into shattered shards If I relapse just shoot me out to Mars Will you appease me please, I just to speak I mock myself, I am so mean I lock myself in dark closets until I want to scream So can I speak to you? I will be polite, the bad me I have locked away in her room If I was a firefly would you capture me in a jar? If I wont glow just shake me up and down My tears leave glitter trails If I was a rainbow would you twist me in your hands and mix my colours into mud? Then would I understand? Would you cheer me on as I take my stand? If I am unafraid would you teach me to fear? Scream at me till my ears become seared If my face became paralysed would you smile for me? If I forgot how to laugh would you chuckle with glee? If the battle is won, why do I fight? If I fight should it only be for love Should I fight everyone in sight? If I grasp at nothing would you clasp my hands Look me in the eyes make me feel human again I long to belong but I am an outsider in this strange land I missed the long shot to fit in It was a long shot for someone like me to win Still I’m here, still I breathe I create because I have a Creator Beauty is as natural to us as birds floating on a breeze I am a ghost of myself haunting my dreams Looming until I become myself again If I was transparent would you shriek? All that I am is what’s left of me Can I borrow identities at libraries and make up the things that are lost in me? Would you find me and bring me home? If home was nowhere could we drive around till we grew old? I don’t know who I am could you tell me who to be? Can you release this secret person deeply hidden in me?

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

Did you see me? Did you see the wolf I have inside? Its always watching and I’m scared it will eat me alive Its protecting a little girl who cries. Can you hear her cry? Can you see her in my eyes? The wolf doesn’t let just anybody in… It scares them off with its toothy grin I avoid the wolf and hope it will go away Distract myself from that itch so crazed And I’m sure the girl will stop her crying any day.. Yes everything’s OK But they both stay I wonder how one person can be split in so many ways?? Its me with a side order of despair and rage Wolves gurad my castle gates Shh, I whisper as the fierce creature snarls and sharpens its gaze. I surrender to my unknown fate Will I wind up as human remains? The remains of a woman who was far from plain always lingering at the bottom of the food chain No I will be fine I know to look both ways never stopping to tie my shoe in front of a train The wolf can’t catch me because its scared of my flame Yes, my wolf I must tame the little girl I have carried all of my days She isn’t that heavy anyways The dark shadows of the wolves echo through my brain I want to run free with them A child untamed A sink of a fang This edge I stand on I long to leap off and fly Run with my wolf Close my eyes as it eats me alive Wolves have haunted me all of my life A slip of a fang a slink in time A desperate child longing to rip off all the insecurities inside Snarl and be sly This hunger impedes me I chain the wolf, I chain me Can you see my wolf inside?