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[friedloverherringfarm]

The loss of your cat Dear readers, losing your cat is devastating. Meanwhile some people don’t really understand that. Considering they may either never experienced it or they may have a rock as a heart. When our cat dies we can’t stop our tears because such an event we do not expect, we do not think of it, never. But it happens. Whether it was an accident, whether it was a disease. Animals can’t live as much as us humans. And it is a fact, we cannot hope it will live longer than it already has. And I am sorry, I know it is hard and dramatic and that you have your mindset that you were the cause of its death, I know that you feel responsible for what happened, I know exactly what you feel. I have experienced it and it is really devastating and it hurts more than anything, because we grew fond of them and we grew closer to each other every day. And actually I never let it go because there are moments that come out of the surface when I least expect it, reminding me of how much I cherished it. If there is something I regret is not spending more time with it even though we shared a room and a bed and the air together for 3 years. I regret not hugging her more, kissing her, telling her how much I loved her. The difference between me and my cat and others with their cat is that my cat didn’t come towards but I was, and even if I knew she didn’t like me to take her in my arms I still did it because I loved how warm she felt and soft her felt on my skin, and not to forget her smell, I really loved to kiss her on her head, sometimes even biting her cute ears while calling her sweetheart, it may sound a little bit cringe sorry I just really loved it. As well my hands and my shoulders were always scratched by it but I didn’t mind it as long it didn’t hurt to the point I’ll cry.  Even though my parents said to me to stop it scratches you because she hates you or something, I knew better than anyone she didn’t, she just needed to make sure she did not fall and I understood it. When it was scratching me it was never with hate and I could feel it. By the way, I got this cat as my seventeenth birthday gift. I was really happy because I really wanted a cat from a long time ago. And for the first time I fell in love with it, I wanted to take care of it and the feeling of protecting it was invading me. This is the moment I felt like I became a whole new person, I grew in myself a motherly affection and I really kept it until the very end. This cat not only brought me joy but also made me a better person, brought me confidence and love. Since I was in my first year of high school, I started to encounter hardships and was very depressed by my results and this little being just gave me the strength at the right time, helping me to seize myself, to not let myself fall. And already the next year I was getting better results. I was progressing because I had someone to keep company. Don’t get me wrong I had my parents by my side too but the real helper was my cat. And in my last year of high school, I may have been down many times because I still did encounter hardships at school but my cat always helped me, always made me feel better, the strength she gave me was amazing. Each day I felt and really did  felt she grew to love my company too which by the way the best feeling you can get. Finally the day, but before a week before, I was working hard because I had exams coming and my cat was by my side, all good. And the day before my exams, it happened. When  I was finally feeling that everything was working perfectly, even my relationship with my parents was doing really great, my revision was good too, I felt really confident actually and my cat grew closer to me. That day I was feeling happy, there always been days similar but not the same I had days when I felt maybe about seventeen percent happy but the rest I still had worries, though that day I had zero worries and I could imagine myself at ninety or ninety nine percent happy and this was truly a first since my careless childhood. But you know it when everything feels too right something bad happens. Just after I was finally revising for the last time, and went to have a sleep break along with my cat. After sometime my cat wants to go out so I wake up mid sleepy and open her the door. Usually I would take her in my arms, kiss her head while inhaling her smell and even calling her sweetheart and telling her at least once that I love her but that day I felt sleepy from the whole week of revision so I can’t forgive myself that I didn’t do it. Anyway I knew I would see her again later so I went back into my bed and fell dead asleep. After two minutes my heart just doesn't feel right but I don’t wake up. One hour later I wake up, I go downstairs to eat a sandwich and from the kitchen's window I see my mother talking to someone I don’t mind and keep eating. My mom comes to the kitchen and tells me with a sad tone “Sweetheart, I have bad news” my heart already starts to break and I ask her right away “What?” She tells me then that my cat died and that my neighbors happened to see it and they brought her to us liveless. I stood up from the chair and ran towards the garden throwing my sandwich on the grass, my mind was blank and I started to shout Where is she Where is she. My mom appears and points with a finger. I spot her, laying on the grass, not like she always does when she enjoys the sun but like a being lifeless. I’m breaking into tears. I can’t control my sadness. My baby, my happiness is gone. An hour ago I was sleeping alongside in my bed and then the next moment I saw it dead. I started to caress see if her paws wouldn’t move. Maybe she was still alive but nothing. Her eyes were open but she wasn’t answering even if I touched her tail. I knew she didn’t like it. After crying until I couldn’t anymore, I went to my parents and told them that we needed to bury her. I didn’t want her to be like the dead cats left on the left side of the road lifeless and starting to fade. My dad agreed to come with me, he is the one who made the hole and I was the one who put her in. First I said my farewells, I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and kissed her on her head for the last time. My hands trembling. I put her in the hole and left so my dad could bury her. The day I felt the happiest became the worst day of my life, I felt guilty for a long period and was completely at loss of appetite and everyday I would look at her pictures and saying each time “I will never forget you” The reason why I came to reveal everything here is because I don’t want people who experienced the same tragedy to feel lonely, I want to call a community that will warm up and help those people to regain strength bit by bit. At first it feels hard to reveal everything and every memory of it  hurts but trust me sometimes saying it out loud it heals you much more than hiding it in your room or under that fake smile you would put everyday so no one asks you what is the matter with you. I used to think that I would look powerless if I said it and if I expressed my sadness openly. It is alright to express our feelings. We are beings with emotions too. It is ok to feel you were responsible for its life and not to have accomplished that duty. But your mindset should be more like this: Did I do my best so it had everything she needed? Did I make good memories with it? It is alright to feel it is unfair. It is alright to want to hide from the world, I respect the decision you made because I was the same. The pain is growing and sometimes you will feel like there is no point in life though it isn’t true. You must come back! Don’t stay on the ground, you’ll catch a cold! Get up and find a way to express your feelings. Maybe sometimes you will feel like crying but you can shout, you can draw and tear that paper. You have the right to do it and no one has to tell you that you are only making a fuss for a dead cat because that cat was your everything and no one has the right to disapprove it. If you ever lose your temper in a way even yourself couldn't have imagined you could, there is something I know will change you and bring you back bit by bit. Trust me, it was my best remedy. It is called Passiflora, a plant documented with therapeutic properties, helping not only reducing stress but also helping with sleep problems, anxiety and depression.  Finally I hope I didn’t add more tears to your face but instead I hope I extended a little hand so you can reach it. I want to be the hand that makes you stand up from the cold ground. Please take care of you and remember to find you need to find again something or someone that you’ll want to protect. (Ps: Sorry if I made mistakes while writing this.)