frog17-28 - Tumblr blog

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

I have these moments of happiness where I feel loved, but as soon as it’s not present, I feel like it was never present and it was all fake. It doesn’t last and it never will.

[frog17-28]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought I was fine.

I thought I could handle this but I can't.

[frog17-28]

i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

[frog17-28]

28 January 2024

I thought everything was under control with being on Wellbutrin and going to therapy, but boy do I feel so wrong about that right now. It's weird having this overwhelming surge of emotion after feeling so clear and level headed. Maybe I was tricking myself into thinking everything was fine and dandy because when I'm feeling like this and crying so hard, I feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. I'm reminded that these feelings come and go. It's unrealistic to think I will never feel sad, but when I'm hit with this feeling of loneliness it is like I've never known or been close to another person. I am inundated with the idea that no one has or will ever love me, because it feels like everyone leaves.

I feel very foolish and embarrassed. I met this girl. I knew it wasn't going to be a relationship, and I knew it would be messy and incredibly complicated, and I knew it was going to end. I thought all of this would be okay because I naively believed that it would all be on my terms. I would be the one calling the shots. I would be the one caring less. I would be the one ending it. But this post love-bomb quiet has left me feeling terribly abandoned. Ya see, she hasn't texted me or called in ~4 days. Now in the grand scheme of things, I am aware this is not a lot of time, but this is not how it started. Maybe I ended up wanting to be with her, but maybe that's not true either. I miss the brief moment of feeling special and desirable. Maybe this is why I never believe someone when complimented. It feels like people are too quick to take them away. If I truly am these nice things, why is it so easy for people to leave?

Maybe I'm not crying over this girl at all. Maybe I'm crying over the fact that one of my closer friends showed how easy it was to discard our friendship. I've mentioned her in previous posts. She's the pretty, extroverted girl everyone loves. After her making fun of me for liking this guy, after being sick over this guy for months, after everything, she is dating him. Without a single concern for how that would make me feel. I've tried telling myself that it's not a reflection on me, that it only shows her true colors and what she values. And it's okay that she doesn't value our friendship because I had several concerned friends reach out and ask how I felt. I know these things to be true and yet my brain will not believe that they care about me. If I don't hear from them constantly, I simply do not matter to them.

I just feel like life is SO hard and I have no justifiable reason for me to think this. I have so much, and I've never went without. My life is easy in the grand scheme of things. But I hate it SO SO much. I feel like a toddler wanting to throw a fit because I'm angry. WHY do I feel like this and WHY can't I make it stop? WHY do I feel so trapped and scared because I don't have to be?

[frog17-28]

"you're scared of losing people, but is anyone scared of losing you?"

highly unlikely.

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

Everything feels so exhausting and pointless.

I'm trapped in this suffocating emptiness, where even the things I used to enjoy bring me no pleasure anymore.

[frog17-28]

2 September 2023

Same shit, different day.

It's insane to think that it has been roughly a year since actually taking the time to write out my feelings in a post. While so much has happened since, my mental illness prevails. I have went on an adventure of a lifetime to the end of the earth (Antarctica) to conduct research. Even being there surrounded by such jaw-dropping beauty, I was sucked into a melancholy stupor and I managed to sink even lower upon returning state side. I cried and cried and cried. Daily. There was no ending to the tears. I longed to have a redo. I wanted to go back and "do it right this time." I don't think I will ever get that chance. Now I am medicated and have a tiny bit of therapy under my belt. Although, with that being said, not much is really better. Instead, I am empty. Is this alternative better than being crippled by overwhelming emotions? Jury is still out (and I still had a bit of a meltdown last night that has led into today).

It's the same silly little dilemma. I want so SO badly to be wanted. I can't figure out how to make people want me. I TRY being what they want, but it's never enough. I'll never be in a romantic relationship where I am desired for mind, body, and soul like Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (I just watched it again so that is what's in my head).

It's incredibly disheartening to be on medication and to be so self aware but powerless to fix the atrocities in my brain. I want so badly to just accept it. To stop the medication and wallow in my self pity. Get through the days.

While I've thought about fully giving up, the time of year is less than ideal to do that with my birthday and the holidays coming up. I wouldn't want to ruin them for my family. So I guess I'll get through the days.

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

No because when I do open up it fixes nothing. No one can help me.

[frog17-28]

I live in constant fear than I’m either too much, or not enough.

[frog17-28]

i hate being paranoid abt the ppl in my life and their true intentions bc if i don’t get clarity and constant validation i start to split and build up resentment against them and it just grows & grows over time which makes me feel so unsafe to be vulnerable around them

[frog17-28]

Diary Day 5 (6 Nov. 2022)

I don’t know what I want to say. I just know I’m crying, and I have too many thoughts spinning around in my head. The best part is these thoughts aren’t even knew. It’s the same thoughts that constantly plague my existence. Currently, I suppose it’s the idea that my friend thinks it’s incomprehensible how I liked someone and heavily drunk cried upon hearing his rejection. Little does she know that it wasn’t just that one time. What would she think if I shared all my grievances with her? About how I cry all the time. “Woe is me.” That’s what she would think. It would be something along the lines of “Stop being dramatic. You only knew him for three months.” I have only crushed on three people I can think of within the last six years. It’s actually very rare for me to like someone so when I do, I like them A LOT. Even though I know when I like someone, it is a complete waste of time. I KNOW the feelings will never be reciprocated, but crushes tend to crush me anyways. Maybe that’s why I rarely develop feelings for anyone. It’s a defense mechanism. 

Maybe that’s partially what my friend doesn’t understand? She doesn’t understand my experience because she is gorgeous, skinny, smart, funny, outgoing, etc. She is desired by many. She has a pool of people she could pick from to live happily ever after with (I do think the one she is set on is meh, but I digress). No one has ever asked for my number. No one has ever saw me and wanted to buy me a drink. No one has ever asked me on a date.  I have never been kissed romantically. I have never been desired. Hell, the few kisses I have had have only been with friends while we were absolutely hammered. Just let that sink it. People can only stand the thought of kissing me while completely intoxicated. I really should just learn to be okay with this since this is reality. This won’t just magically change one day. 

The cherry on top of not ever feeling wanted. These days, I don’t even talk or see my friends. I recognize that my friends all have lives outside of me, but why is it that I can make the time to ask how they are and make the time to visit them and they can’t. I knew as soon as my one friend canceled on my birthday and said she would reschedule the visit that it wasn’t going to happen. I want to just cancel my trip this weekend to see some other friends, but it’s her birthday weekend, and her birthday is important to her. So I will go, even if she did send out a text in a huge group chat saying “and absolutely no drama. I’m too old for it and not afraid to tell you” as if it wasn’t precisely directed at me for crying and having emotions during my last visit. As if I wasn’t already embarrassed by everything that happened that night. 

God, I wish to just stop feeling.

[frog17-28]

Diary Day 4 (31 Oct. 2022)

Happy Halloween.

I went to see Rocky Horror on Saturday night with a friend and a couple others I didn’t know. It was nice, but I couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t incredibly fun? Nothing was wrong, but it just reminded me about how much I miss my people. The friend I went with is a lovely human being and this has nothing to do with her. I think I’m stuck in the mindset of “what is the point?” Ya know? Why should I try to get close to people? It’s mentally taxing wanting nothing more than to have unbreakable bonds (for lack of a better description) and never obtaining them. Maybe this isn’t realistic, and I am just too needy? I just want to be close to people. I want to mean something to them, but it is so exhausting trying when nothing I do is good enough to make people want to know me. I want so badly to be enough. Enough so that people don’t leave. 

As someone who feels like a disgusting waste of space regularly, I know that that is asking for a lot. I mean I can barely live with myself so why should I expect others to? I feel gross all of the time so much so that I can barely stomach it. Throwing up has become a routine. Dinner no longer sits comfortably in my stomach. Sometimes lunch doesn’t either (I’ve had to throw up on campus after getting the ick during lunch). Alas, it is what it is. I deserve this overwhelming feeling of nausea because not only do I FEEL repulsive, I know that I AM repulsive. I deserve to feel sick because I am a sick person. 

I am too much but simultaneously not enough. An oxymoron, I know. I am too much of all the negative attributes that can be used to describe s person’s character, but I am no where near enough when it comes to the positive attributes. No.  I am selfish. I am annoying. I am obnoxious. I am oblivious. I am dense. I am lazy. I am sloppy. I am repulsive.