frog17-28

[frog17-28]

Sorry i was gonna text you back but the weight of my own inadequacy made me unable to have a single thought without bursting into tears

[frog17-28]

It really is the same shit but different fucking day

[frog17-28]

I hate that we are a social species who need connection. I’ve only ever went without and I think it’s driving me to the edge.

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

I have these moments of happiness where I feel loved, but as soon as it’s not present, I feel like it was never present and it was all fake. It doesn’t last and it never will.

[frog17-28]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought I was fine.

I thought I could handle this but I can't.

[frog17-28]

i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

[frog17-28]

28 January 2024

I thought everything was under control with being on Wellbutrin and going to therapy, but boy do I feel so wrong about that right now. It's weird having this overwhelming surge of emotion after feeling so clear and level headed. Maybe I was tricking myself into thinking everything was fine and dandy because when I'm feeling like this and crying so hard, I feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. I'm reminded that these feelings come and go. It's unrealistic to think I will never feel sad, but when I'm hit with this feeling of loneliness it is like I've never known or been close to another person. I am inundated with the idea that no one has or will ever love me, because it feels like everyone leaves.

I feel very foolish and embarrassed. I met this girl. I knew it wasn't going to be a relationship, and I knew it would be messy and incredibly complicated, and I knew it was going to end. I thought all of this would be okay because I naively believed that it would all be on my terms. I would be the one calling the shots. I would be the one caring less. I would be the one ending it. But this post love-bomb quiet has left me feeling terribly abandoned. Ya see, she hasn't texted me or called in ~4 days. Now in the grand scheme of things, I am aware this is not a lot of time, but this is not how it started. Maybe I ended up wanting to be with her, but maybe that's not true either. I miss the brief moment of feeling special and desirable. Maybe this is why I never believe someone when complimented. It feels like people are too quick to take them away. If I truly am these nice things, why is it so easy for people to leave?

Maybe I'm not crying over this girl at all. Maybe I'm crying over the fact that one of my closer friends showed how easy it was to discard our friendship. I've mentioned her in previous posts. She's the pretty, extroverted girl everyone loves. After her making fun of me for liking this guy, after being sick over this guy for months, after everything, she is dating him. Without a single concern for how that would make me feel. I've tried telling myself that it's not a reflection on me, that it only shows her true colors and what she values. And it's okay that she doesn't value our friendship because I had several concerned friends reach out and ask how I felt. I know these things to be true and yet my brain will not believe that they care about me. If I don't hear from them constantly, I simply do not matter to them.

I just feel like life is SO hard and I have no justifiable reason for me to think this. I have so much, and I've never went without. My life is easy in the grand scheme of things. But I hate it SO SO much. I feel like a toddler wanting to throw a fit because I'm angry. WHY do I feel like this and WHY can't I make it stop? WHY do I feel so trapped and scared because I don't have to be?

[frog17-28]

"you're scared of losing people, but is anyone scared of losing you?"

highly unlikely.

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

Everything feels so exhausting and pointless.

I'm trapped in this suffocating emptiness, where even the things I used to enjoy bring me no pleasure anymore.

[frog17-28]

2 September 2023

Same shit, different day.

It's insane to think that it has been roughly a year since actually taking the time to write out my feelings in a post. While so much has happened since, my mental illness prevails. I have went on an adventure of a lifetime to the end of the earth (Antarctica) to conduct research. Even being there surrounded by such jaw-dropping beauty, I was sucked into a melancholy stupor and I managed to sink even lower upon returning state side. I cried and cried and cried. Daily. There was no ending to the tears. I longed to have a redo. I wanted to go back and "do it right this time." I don't think I will ever get that chance. Now I am medicated and have a tiny bit of therapy under my belt. Although, with that being said, not much is really better. Instead, I am empty. Is this alternative better than being crippled by overwhelming emotions? Jury is still out (and I still had a bit of a meltdown last night that has led into today).

It's the same silly little dilemma. I want so SO badly to be wanted. I can't figure out how to make people want me. I TRY being what they want, but it's never enough. I'll never be in a romantic relationship where I am desired for mind, body, and soul like Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (I just watched it again so that is what's in my head).

It's incredibly disheartening to be on medication and to be so self aware but powerless to fix the atrocities in my brain. I want so badly to just accept it. To stop the medication and wallow in my self pity. Get through the days.

While I've thought about fully giving up, the time of year is less than ideal to do that with my birthday and the holidays coming up. I wouldn't want to ruin them for my family. So I guess I'll get through the days.

[frog17-28]

[frog17-28]

No because when I do open up it fixes nothing. No one can help me.

[frog17-28]

I live in constant fear than I’m either too much, or not enough.