fromjameswithlove-blog

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

So I spent Christmas with you. I spent a few days with you actually. I needed to see you, it had been so long. It was so hard to play it cool, to not cry when I hugged you after not seeing you for so long. For a brief moment all of my sorrow just kinda washed away. As we hung out you told me that I was stiff. I’m so sorry. All I wanted to do was to hold you and kiss you, to feel your skin against mine. For so long, for so fucking long, I just wanted to hold you again. And finally I did. And I melted. And that’s when you asked it “what are you thinking about?”. You asked me that so many times but I didn’t want to make things awkward. I wanted to say “you, always you” every time, but I couldn’t. I never got over you, not even close. I tried, just so I could cope. But I don’t think I want to, despite the outcome. We slept in the same bed for the first time in what felt like forever. Just to hold you was...I can’t even put it into words. The effect it had on my soul was...amazing. To feel you against me was as if I had found a piece of me that was missing for so long.I asked you what you were thinking about. You said “you”. But you wouldn’t tell me what it was you were thinking, god that got my mind jumping to all sorts of possibilities. You admitted to not being over me when I came out and said I wasn’t over you. But that’s the difference between us, you’re just not over me, but I...I don’t want to be over you. We went back to your house. Watched some netflix and you went to bed, I wanted to say “please stay, please sleep here with me tonight” but I didn’t. Instead I spent most of the night just laying there, thinking about you. You woke me up by crawling up and cuddling with me, my favorite way to wake up. We had to get up eventually though. We both had to leave...You hugged me goodbye and thanked me for coming. And I told you the truth, “I had to, because of how much I missed you”. And then you were gone. And all I could think about was what I wanted to say, what I didn’t say, and what I’ll probably never get around to saying to you. You still have all of my heart. It just hurts knowing you no longer want it. But I’ll sit here knowing that, hoping that things play out the way I hope they do. Knowing they probably never will. -PS I missed you so much that I even missed your messy ass hair moments

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

I’m going to love you. I’m going to love you in your weakest moments to your strongest ones. I’m going to love you when you’re happy and I’m going to still love you the most when you’re sad. Don’t you understand? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I want to love you, each and every piece of you. I want you with your imperfections as much as I want you for you. And I’m always going to want you, I’m always going to be here loving you with everything.

Unknown

(via thelovenotebook)

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

I’m putting this here for me. To immortalize the happiness that was. The days I’d commit murder to get back. I still watch it when I’m sad. I’m into self torture I guess, who would’ve thought?

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

I always thought of you when I’d listen to this. I still do, when I can bring myself to actually listen to it. Despite it being sad and about losing someone you loved, I liked it. Because the way the lyrics described it, was, on a small part, how I felt about you. I guess it means more now than it did then. Right Honeybee..?

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

Late night thoughts.

I never told you but before we broke up I started wearing a fake wedding ring. Just as a sign to women like “hey don’t mess with this it’s taken”. I don’t know why but I still wear it. Maybe it’s out of habit, maybe subconsciously I still feel like it could workout. But you’ve given no sign of that being an option. I can definitely stand fine without you now. It took a lot of therapy and classes to teach self worth etc. But I can do it. I just don’t want to. Still after all this time. I want you, I want us, I want Liam. I just want to wake up and find out I’ve been in some shitty coma and things didn’t play out the way they did. But I know that’s not the case. I’ve bettered all the things you complained about being wrong with me, from the “deep rooted issues” in therapy, to the being jealous of your online friends by growing the fuck up. I feel like I could fix it if you’d just let me show you. But I’m afraid that there’s some other reason you ended it. One that, no matter how much I change, I can’t fix this. And that terrifies me, because after all this time and all this work I’ve done, I still fucking love you. I can’t help it. I still dream about you. They’re never bad dreams, always good ones. God I wish they were real. It breaks my heart every time I wake up and realize they aren’t. I still watch that video you made of us, where you said I should watch it when I’m sad and you’re gone. I still do..I guess I like self torture. God I need sleep...Goodnight babe

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

I hate that I can’t hate you..every time I try to, every fucking time, I just think about the good times, how much we meant to each other when times were good. And then I can’t. This would be so much easier if I could. Months later and you still have me. And you don’t even want me..

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

Falling Apart (Falling For You), a song written while I was in a “mental correctness” facility.

I  wasn't born with a spoon in my mouth There's nothing I can go home to. Everyone here in this room wants to know what you do and what you can do for them

Yeah these big city lights don't make me feel new, I don't want to make it, just make it to you. If you want I'll spend all of my nights singing this song to you.

Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you. Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you

I wouldn't say that I'm going to be the easiest one that you've loved. I've been known to tear down the walls just to see if I can, and then build them back up.

And I'll stay out too late, I'd come home to a drunk,I fight when I'm bored, I tell you I'm done. But you stayed with me, and you laid with me and your hands said that I am enough.

Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you

So show me all that you've got, cause I want to be it for you.Maybe you're all that I want, and all I can do is what you want me to. I will be waiting for you.

Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you. Everything's falling apart, I'm falling for you

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

I want you, I want you so bad, no matter what everyone keeps telling me, I can’t shake the feelings I have. But I’m so tired, of fighting a battle I can’t win.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

More unfished song stuff

You spilled more of my blood before it got a chance to dry, You said you’d love me forever, forever was a lie. And I did my best, but what was I supposed to do, when my best just wasn’t good enough for you, oh no.

You strung me up, bled me dry, oh why did I, even try in the end, we were more than friends. Is this really how it ends?

Can’t we go back to the way that it used to be, where I needed you, and you needed me? My thoughts surround me and there’s nowhere safe, one foot in the grave.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

This song kinda describes what I’m going through/was going through. down to the  Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke”, the “ All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now”, and especially the “All the fun that we had on your mothers couch, I don't even wanna think about”. Because lets face it babe, we had some fun. Please stay.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

The Whole Story From My Side. A Work In Progress.

So there was this girl, unlike any other I had ever met. Have you ever drank cold water so fast that it caused a brain freeze? That’s what it was like loving her. Needing her and taking her in so quickly that it became overwhelming. She saw my flaws and loved me for them. I saw hers and loved her for them. Unfortunately, like all good things that come to me, I found a way to ruin them. My memory seems to be more and more lackluster these days so I’m documenting this in case, somehow, I forget some of the best times of my life. So here’s random bits of the times before the bad times, before I found a way to ruin it all.

The First Date:

I remember thinking to myself, “I never do stuff like this” I never go out on a limb and meet a stranger just cause. Especially one from a dating site. My anxiety was at an all time high the closer I got to meeting up with her. I remember sitting outside all worried, talking to her on skype. I was almost sure she had blown me off. But then she pulled up beside me and with a confused look on her face just said “James?”. And I don’t know why, just that one moment, I went from treating it like every other moment where I’m so awkward it’s unbearable to just letting my walls down and being my stupid funny self. And I held up a rag hinting at a joke we made about how I was probably some creep that was going to drug her and kidnap her. Her response, one I’ll never forget, she smiled, laughed, and applauded while stating “bravo sir”. I knew then and there that this one was different. We went to a park, made small talk about how bad we both were at a game we both enjoyed. It was around the time Pokemon Go was a thing and we had a small dispute about which team was better since we weren’t on the same one. We got in her car and drove to what was supposed to be a mall, it was not a mall. It was a small chain of stores, a chain of lies. So we settled for Buffalo Wild Wings as a fall back plan. We played trivia. The whole time I didn’t know what the hell it was about her. Something was just dragging me out of my awkward shell and making me let my defenses down and be this stupid dork that I am on the inside, but on the outside. And surprisingly, she liked it. We talked a lot about our lives and the not so smart choices we’d made. I think I told her more about myself in one sitting than I have most people I’ve known most of my life. We drove an hour back to my car from the chain of lies. I hugged her goodbye and just sat there in my car waiting for her to leave. Once she did I did a little victory dance. It had been so long since I’d actually been happy. And the fact that I went out on a whim and used a shitty dating site, and somehow managed to find someone like her? Jackpot. I went home and spent the next few days rambling to my roommates about the stuff we did and how interested I was in her.

The Second Date:

So this time, she agreed to let me kidnap her. And “depending on how it goes” she may or may not stay the night (hint, I’m awkward as hell but in a charming way, so she definitely stayed the night). I picked her up from her house, her mom seemed a tad weird but her son was cute. So was the nickname she had for him “man cub”. We picked up a pizza and watched some movies, one (Sausage Party) that made both of us feel unclean, and another (Finding Dory) to kinda cleanse us of what we had just watched. I wanted to cuddle with her but lack a backbone. Luckily, I guess she felt the same way because she laid back in my lap. She had the audacity to ask if it was fine. Of course it was fine, I was desperate for this. She stayed the night that night. And for once, in a very long time, I felt, I guess you could say “okay”. Just feeling her next to me made me feel a warmth I had honestly forgotten. And that scared me.

Meeting the Family:

So I finally met more than just her mom and son. Her stepdad was an odd one, but reminded me of a friend I rarely keep in contact with anymore. Tyler was pretty funny, at the time I thought “I could probably get along with this guy if I could stop being socially awkward”. I stayed the night there that night. Honestly I was so hooked on her by that point I would have slept outside on the ground as long as she was nearby. But the couch in her living room would do just fine. She slept out there with me. And at one point even had to bring her son out because he was really sick and fussy. I held him at one point. And (thinking about it now kills me, crying and typing is hard), it sounds cheesy but it “felt like home”. Just laying there on the couch with he and she, I still don’t know how to describe it really. I knew I was getting ahead of myself with the feeling because I told myself “I wouldn’t mind this”. In a “family” kind of way. I was getting ahead of myself, but I had completely fallen for her, in so little time. That scared the hell out of me. And at this point we hadn’t flat out said we were dating yet. Not too long after that, I told her “I can’t help it, but I think I love you”. And she said, “it’ll take me awhile to say it back, not because of you, it’s just a thing”.

She Told Me She Loved Me Too:

It didn’t take her very long to say it back. I will never forget when she told me. It caught me so off guard. We were laying in bed making small talk and just casually, during one of the pauses after laughing, she just quietly said “I love you”. It caused a feeling in me I’ve never felt before. Sure I’ve been told “I love you” by others before. Something about this time was so different. It caused a chain reaction in me that was so hard to contain, I wanted to pick her up and swing her around, I wanted to fucking soar to the moon and back, I wanted her. But I contained myself somehow and simply said  "I love you too" and kissed her forehead.

So The Girl Came Down With Bronchitis:

We woke up one morning and her voice was almost completely gone. I didn’t mean to laugh at her, but when she spoke and would squeak, I found it adorable. She said “I don’t want to go, but I think you need to take me to the ER”. Things got a bit more serious then. I didn’t want her to be in any sort of pain. So I went from joking to “get your cooooaaaat”. I took her to the ER. She was wearing one of those face masks because at the time we didn’t know it was bronchitis and she didn’t want to get others sick. She thought, “I look like death”. She may have been sick but she was still beautiful. We sat there for a long time, basically just snuggling each other. She was so bored at one point she took pictures of us together, face mask included. We went into the back finally. She was given a shot. She hates shots. Well her body does. She was standing next to me stating “I’m fine, I just need a minute”.  A few seconds after that she feinted. I tried to grab her but naturally my dumbass missed by an inch. Her head hit the door. She was out like a light. I was super worried asking the nurse “should I sit her up, is it okay to move her?”. Apparently I couldn’t move her just in case. She woke up to us crouched over her asking if she was okay. She was fiiiiiiiiiiiine according to her. Which was good, because my weak ass heart couldn’t take the worrying ahaaaaaa.

To be continued.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

But Now She’s Gone

The first time saw her, everything in my head went quite, all the nervousness, the self doubt. All I could think about, was her smile, the way she carried herself, and "please don't screw this up". On our first date, I talked about things I thought she wouldn't care about, but she loved it.

I'd always watch her mouth when she'd talk, the way when she said she loved me her mouth would curve up at the edges. I would kiss her multiple times until I got it right. She wouldn't judge me when I would need to lock the bedroom door every night just to feel safe. She made all the love songs that I used to loathe mean something again. She never, not once, made made fun of me for crying. There are probably infinite demensions, but I'm with her in this one, so why would I try to find them?

But now, when she says she loves me, her lips are a straight line. I'm terrified there's a disconnection.

It's hard to act like I don't care when she's so damn perfect all the time.

She told me that she shouldn't have let me get attatched to her. That this life isn't for me, I'm not what she needs right now, that it was a mistake. But how can it be a mistake, love is not a mistake.

It feels like I lost something so special in an abandoned garden. I tried to fine that spot again, but the ivy grew too fast. I searched in so many spots, it felt impossible that I had missed one. But I never found it, how can something be there, and then not be there.

I haunt my own house.

It's killing me that she can just run away from this and I can't. I just can't. I can't go out and find someone new, because I always think of her. I feel like I'm stuck under a ton of bricks. She was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. And the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. She haunts my dreams and it simultaneously heals, and breaks my heart every night all over again.

I want to wake up every morning thinking about how, when she sleeps, she looks so innocent, the way her body fit so perfectly to mine, how when she turns on the shower, it's like she's some master thief opening a safe, the way she's helped me fight a disease I never stood a chance against, the way that, when she makes a joke she says "you know you love it" and "I make your life exciting". God she does. I want to spend the rest of my life, caring for her and her son, being what they need, and just, holding her as if I could never let go. Because I can't let go.

But now she's gone and I don't know what to do with myself. I worry, that she's found someone new that doesn't care like I do. I worry about who may be kissing her, that he only kisses her once and doesn't care if it's perfect, or doesn't even think she's perfect. That he won't love her the way I do. That he won't cherish the way her lips move when she speaks, that he won't cherish her hunger for adventure, that he won't be what she needs, but she won't care. I leave the door unlocked hoping, that maybe she'll come back. Hoping that this was all just a nightmare. But every morning I wake up, and it's the realest, heaviest thing, I have ever felt.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

30 Reasons I love Patrisha Richards

1. She is honestly my best friend at this point. The only person I've ever opened up to this extent and on top of that, it's never felt so easy. 2. She never quits on herself or me. 3. She makes me laugh, even when I'm in a horrible mood. 4. She is gorgeous, and I mean like, perfect to me, even on days she says she looks horrible, she couldn't be more beautiful. 5. She accepts the crazy person I am. 6. She acts like she's rude, but she's the kindest person I know. 7. She has a beautiful singing voice (though she'd probably disagree). 8. She has experienced tragedies, but is still so optimistic and full of a hunger for adventure she hasn't yet been able to feed. 9. She has faith in me when I don't and honestly, that's such an amazing feeling. 10. Without realizing it, she has made me want to do more for her than I have ever wanted to do for anyone, I want to be the person I feel she deserves, I can get there, soon hopefully. 11. She's done an amazing job so far with the career path she's chosen for herself despite the hardships, I know it's rough but she still seems to push through. And honestly it's inspiring at times. 12. She's made me laugh so hard I snort, on many occasions. I hate snorting, but I love her. 13. She wants to see the world and wants to do so with me, I've never had anyone even consider something like that with me. And on top of that, I've wanted to see the world, but never even felt like it was an option. With her it not only seems like an options, but something I very much want to do. 14. I love just sitting in the bathroom with her after showers and having long talks about each other. 15. Kind of an odd one, but the sex. And it's not just sex, there's actual love making. The way we tend to each other's needs, I don't even know how to describe it, but it'd definitely the best I've ever had, by leaps and bounds. She's very open and understands that I don't know what all I'm into yet, and willing to help explore that. It's nice, and not awkward unlike other relationships. 16. I love the way that, even when she's sleeping, she'll cuddle closer and cling to me, if I shift in bed. Hell sometimes she'll even be half awake and just say "where you going?". It seems like a small thing, but I love it. It makes me feel wanted. 17. I love that, even on days like the day I took her to the E.R., when she felt like death and swore she looked like death, she was still so beautiful to me. And on top of that, it was a bonding experience. 18. I love the little inside jokes we have with each other like "HORSES!", "Buy your own damn flowers", "ahhh the Berooga whare" etc. 19. The way she'll steal drinks from my water bottle (I act like I hate it but it's cute and I love it). 20. I love that, even when we're busy playing League, we still find time to kiss each other, granted usually while we're waiting to respawn because we suck, but still. 21. I love that, even though I consider myself one of the most unlucky people in the world, I still somehow manage to stumble upon, who I believe is the best thing to ever happen to me. So if all that bad luck led up to this one lucky thing, then I'm completely okay with that. 22. I love how much she cares about Liam. She says she's a horrible mom, but she's really not. She would die for that kid without second guessing it if it came down to it, she's perfectly fine with him when he's in her care, and she should really give herself more credit. 23. I love the little things she says that mean so much to me. "You make me happy", "*laughing* I make your life exciting though don't I?", the small things that may not seem like much mean the world to me. 24. I love that, (it may not seem manly), but she genuinely makes me feel safe. Like she cares and would do whatever she could to protect me, just like I would for her. Like I can, for the first time, just let my defenses down and not be judged. And that…is really something I never thought I'd be able to feel. And it's such a damn relief to finally feel that. 25. Honestly one of my favorite things is when she sings Disney songs, I love it. It's fucking adorable, her little movements, the way she gets so into it. I always want to join in but I'm too embarrassed, even now, of my singing possibly being bad. 26. I love how clingy and cuddly she is. I'm a affectionate cuddly person and luckily she's fine with that, because god damn I love feeling her against me. 27. I love that she spontaneously decides she wants to build a hut in the woods behind her mom's house. It was a bit exhausting for my out of shape ass but it was fun and different. Hopefully we can finish that when she comes home. 28. I know this isn't her directly, but I love Liam, I act like he gets on my nerves sometimes, and maybe he does but like she says "terrible twos". But honestly two of my favorite memories with her also involve him. The first time he was sick and she brought him out to lay with us on the couch. I held him on my chest and rubbed his back and he went right to sleep. It was the first time I've ever done something like that and it was nice. The second was in California when he was sick yet again (poor kid) and she let him sleep in the bed with us. I think both times were just the "family feeling" I get ahead of myself thinking about the future, it seems a little early to be planning like the next 5-10 years. But is it wrong when it makes you happy? The kid isn't my blood but if Jared continues to act like he wants nothing to do with him I'm more than happy to fill the father role, he's a little shit, but he's so damn loveable. 29.Not a very important one but nevertheless, I love that she's willing to binge Netflix. Like don't get me wrong, I love that we can go out and do stuff together. But I love that there are those days where we're both just like,"fuck it lets play some league, binge some Netflix, and order a pizza". You know you've found someone special when you can do such average things and be completely content with each other. 30. I just love her. I've tried so many times to put it into words, random letters I send, songs and poems, I just can't get it right. I always thought it was kinda lame when people would say "words can't describe how much I love you". But I honestly get it now and it's an amazing feeling. I love her so much more than I've ever loved anyone. In such a short amount of time on top of that. And it terrifies me that one day she'll wake up and no longer love me back. I feel like she will eventually, but I'll hold onto that love as long as I can. And believe that I make her happy. Because holy shit she makes me happy. She's done more for me in 5 months than any antidepressant has in the last 14 years. I laugh more, smile more, and am genuinely happier than I've been in as long as I can remember. And for that I'm grateful.

So Trish this list is kind of a "30 Reasons I Love Patrisha Richards" thing I figured I'd do for Valentine's Day. I know the holiday is dumb and we try to do fancy things for each other on any day and not use a holiday for an excuse to. But I wanted to do something for you since you're away at BCT. Just to kinda let you know that, you may be gone, but the love I have for you hasn't faded one bit and I'm still right here waiting. It's tough but I'll wait as long as it takes. Because you are the first thing I've been so dead set on. I've been  meh at times and I know that. Or at least I feel like I have been and you just haven't being saying so. Meh I feel like I am, so I'm working on bettering what I feel are faults/shortcomings. But I'll try to better those for your sake, Liam's sake, and our sake. It's rough at times, but god damn will it be worth it in the long run. I love you and I'll talk to you Sunday hopefully.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

Vines

When I first saw you, I basked in your light and how bright it shone. When we first kissed, I could hear our souls whisper "welcome home".

You made a garden in my chest, wrapped around my heart with delicate vines, as we sat hand in hand, fingers intertwined. You started a fire in my belly, it kept me warm at night. All the while the vines slowly creeping around my heart, became tight.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

God I want to know how you’re doing. I miss you. Just you. Strip away the romance and the sex, I just miss you as a person. The way our humor would bounce off of each other. The way I could talk to you about anything, and I mean anything, that I’ve never talked with anyone about. God I fucking miss you.

[fromjameswithlove-blog]

Succeeding at Heartbreak

I only succeed at heartbreak, You gave and gave, and all I did was take. I'm afraid to shower because wartmh reminds me of you. I can't sleep without noise, but noise will sound like you. I try to make the rain sound like nothing, because it reminds me of your beautiful voice. I can't be alone, because I won't do anything I'd do with you. You made me want to live more than anyone else. And now you make me want to leave the world, because I've seen it. In you I saw the color and shape of my perfect life. But now, the children, the house, the random arguments about curtains and table cloths I saw, are all fading, like things left in sunlight. Every time I see you I want to kiss you. When I do, I expect pain to come. And it does. You'll remind me that this is for the best, that we probably couldn't make this work. I will try to agree. But in that moment, I will be lying. My heart will scream I can, I can, I can. But I'll stay silent. Because of you. Because you asked for this. Because you filled something in me that's still full, even though you're gone.