fromthewondersystem

[fromthewondersystem]

"I'm okay with you having DID, I just don't want to talk to or meet any of your alters."

I'm an alter too, you know. Every single time you've interacted with me, I'm an alter. Even before you knew I had DID, even before I knew I had DID, we've been speaking to each other as various different alters. To ask to only interface with one singular version of me because you find the other versions of me uncomfortable to be around is hurtful.

We have little to no control over who's fronting at any particular time. We switch a lot, that's the nature of my system. Even we don't know who's fronting all the time, not least because we're discovering new parts still all these years later.

And, ultimately, they're all me. If you've only met one version of me and like that one version of me, do you truly like me? If you've only ever gotten to know me in that particular mode, how well do you actually know me? How can you say you love me when there's all these other me's that you cast aside and ignore?

You can't say you're okay with my DID but then ask to never get to know my alters. Because, ultimately, that means you never get to know me. And that means you're not okay with my DID- or with me.

[fromthewondersystem]

on healing

first: keep pushing the boulder up the hill. when it rolls down, follow it. don’t walk, run. push the boulder up the hill. don’t look up. push the boulder, chase it back, push the boulder, keep your eyes on the ground. men have moved mountains. the pebble in your pocket is more than you can carry. push the boulder. whatever you do, don’t stop.

then: wash your face in cold water. don’t look in the mirror. walk for long hours. run until your legs could give out any step. scream if you remember how. don’t forget about the boulder. you can’t stop pushing. hold ice in your hands. do you feel anything yet?

find Atlas. sit before him as he bears the sky on his shoulders. ask him if he would like to put it down. reach up and touch what you can. try to lift it. when your body trembles, you stop. for a moment, you made the world lighter. you still are pushing your boulder. ask Atlas if you really touched the sky.

move back home. pretend it’s okay. pretend it’s not. grieve, or don’t. push your boulder until your shoulders ache. it might be okay to sit with your back against it, just for a moment. the weight is crushing. wrap yourself in your favorite blanket when you stand up again.

sleep. you need it. take rest when it comes. your dreams are no better than being awake. sleep anyway. push boulders in your dreams. turn your face skyward and try to find your favorite constellation. sleep even when it scares you.

get better shoes. you’ve worn holes in yours from walking so far. make sure they fit. make sure they hold onto the earth as you strain against gravity to move a boulder and a pebble and the sky. pick a pair that comes in your favorite color. smile.

you have been alive longer than you ever dreamed of. when your birthday comes, celebrate. wonder, for the first time, if you only imagined the length of your strand of fate. watch the boulder slip down. run after it. when you push it up again, do it older.

stand in doorways. ask Janus if he remembers you. hold up a mirror. you’re surprised the glass isn’t shattered. push the boulder. don’t look up. tell Janus you are fractured. tell him you don’t know where to go. this doorway is not a crossroads. it’s time to keep going.

bake bread. break bread. your family is waiting for you at the dinner table. join them. push the boulder through mud. light candles and hold your head high. recite blessings until you have no more space for joy. recite one more. hold the hand of someone you love.

put down the pebble. it doesn’t weigh anything. push the boulder. walk past Sisyphus. don’t stop to ask him questions. you have not been punished: it is not your fault you must keep going. realize there is sunlight on your face. look up. reach your hands up for a sky you cannot reach. forgive Atlas underneath the awestruck colors of dawn. step forward.

the boulder stays.

[fromthewondersystem]

one of the most important things about dissociative identity disorder and generally being a system that i wish people would understand is that it truly isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem for member count.

you’ll see people who say they have “six alters” and then immediately assume it’s six fully fleshed out equal individuals with no confusion or fuzziness regarding identity. that’s simply not true in a majority of cases, as i have seen.

most systems still VERY much deal with confusion regarding potential splits, go through dissociative episodes where they’re unsure of who they are, sometimes feel no attachment towards any identities, feel like they might have split and then suddenly that person is gone, unsure if alters they haven’t heard from often have gone dormant, not sure how to react when alters do come out of dormancy, etc.

it’s not a fun feeling and it’s genuinely unfair in certain situations to force systems to list every single alter to you with full certainty, as if it will never change. because it will. for so many different reasons, systems will grow, they will shrink, they will fuse, they will develop. you can’t expect the person with the dissociative disorder and lack of core identity to be able to keep up a perfected list of forever, it’s simply impossible. you may have alters who stick with you, but that doesn’t mean changes won’t happen.

and systems who may be reading this — please don’t feel bad. you are not a hassle, you are not a headache, and you are not an inconvenience for simply coping with something like this. it’s out of your control and the only thing you can do is continue to cope to find ways to help yourself retrain from these reactions. please don’t allow yourself to be harmed by others who don’t understand what you are going through. there are people who will accept and love you for who you are, all of you.

past, present, and future.

[fromthewondersystem]

I’m about to save you thousands of dollars in therapy by teaching you what I learned paying thousands of dollars for therapy:

It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.

Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.

1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.

2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?

3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?

4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”

5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.

6. Repeat, it takes practice but is a skill you can learn :)

[fromthewondersystem]

America has a weird relationship with cults where they’re terrified of small cults (or organizations they think are cults) but completely normalized massive cults that hurt many more people (eg: LDS Church, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Amish, Scientology, most Megachurches)

[fromthewondersystem]

Here are some links to worksheets about anger (you can download the pdfs for free and print them):

The cycle of anger

The anger iceberg

This worksheet discusses when your anger might have become more of a problem rather than a healthy emotion.

A small introduction to anger management

The 'anger thermometer' to identify your own gradations of anger

Anger warning signs

Anger stop signs (intended for children but I like this too)

Worksheet to identify triggers

A summary of anger management skills

Coping skills to deal with anger

The 'urge surfing' technique

Improving the moment when in distress worksheet

Distress Tolerance Skills (self-soothe with senses / distractions)

Distracting from distressing emotions worksheet

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills (communicating needs, fostering positive interactions and self respect)

Communicating needs worksheet

Emotional Regulation Skills (opposite action, fact-checking, paying attention to bodily needs, guiding focus back to positivity)

Brief explanation of some relaxation techniques to use when angry

Questions to ask yourself about anger (good journalling prompts)

The 'fair fighting rules' aka how to engage healthily in arguments

Template for keeping an 'anger diary'

Template for keeping a 'coping skills log'

[fromthewondersystem]

Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques are a psychological method to end flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and negative thought spirals. Anyone can use these but they are especially helpful for interrupting symptoms of mental illness like OCD obsessions, panic attacks, or PTSD flashbacks.

Grounding techniques allow us to step back from a cyclical thought that is causing us distress. They allow us to let go of thoughts that feel overwhelming and uncontrollable. Geounding techniques give us control over our mind.

They are very helpful for disengaging from traumatic memory flooding if self-exploration gets out of hand. For this reason, they are often used to come back from overwhelming thoughts/memories during EMDR therapy.

Grounding techniques are similar to mental techniques like meditation. Meditation can also be used as a grounding technique - it provides a similar benefit.

I Spy

Pick any color (or any other distinguishing characteristic, such as shape.) Find 9 things around you that are that color. If you are still experiencing the negative thought loop after finding 9 items, repeat the exercise with a new characteristic. Keep finding sets of 9 items until you feel calm.

5x5

Experience 5 things around you with your 5 senses. Look at 5 different items near you. Feel the texture of 5 different items near you. Listen for 5 different sounds in your immediate environment. Identify 5 different scents near you. Taste 5 different flavors. It may not be possible to find 5 experiences of each sense depending on where you are (particularly taste,) so it is okay to move on from categories that do not have easily accessible sensory experiences. Repeat this until a sense of disconnection or distraction from negative thoughts is attached.

Ground in Senses

It is easy to use sensory stimuli to ground. Focusing on an experience that we perceive with one of our senses, such as touching a soft blanket, looking at a kaleidoscope, preparing and then drinking an orange juice, smelling a rose, or listening to a song, can be used to bring us back to the present and disengage from negative thought loops. Some people continue one or more sensory processes until they feel better, others set a timer and do it for a set time such as 5 or 10 minutes.

If a sensory experience that you associate with being calm or happy will make the process easier; we attach feelings to many things, and it is helpful to be aware of what feelings we associate with things such as flavors or textures. For instance, we may feel an extra sense of comfort from touching a childhood blanket that we associate with nostalgic and comforting childhood memories. It is not necessary to use a sensory experience that we associate with something else to ground, but it is helpful and is something to be mindful of.

Simple Process

These are a set of similar techniques that distract a person from dysphoric internal processes with a simple physical activity. Some people clap their hands or stamp their feet to take themselves out of their thoughts and ground in the present. Some people go for a walk for 5 to 10 minutes. Other people interface their fingers together and move their hands back and forth.

Jarring Stimuli

Some people use physical experiences that are slightly unpleasant or startling to disengage from negative thoughts and feelings and bring themselves back to the present. Some people take cold showers, wash their face with cold water, or run their hands under cold water. Other people go outside when it is cold or hot out. Other people hold onto an ice cube or touch ice.

Showering/Bathing

Many people find that a shower or bath is relaxing. Due to the complexity of sensory experiences encountered during showering or bathing, it is easy to ground in the present by focusing on the changing of temperature and feeling of water on skin and getting lost in the simple process of washing. Bathing and showering have the added bonus of being constructive activities. Some people find doing simple housework like vacuuming or washing dishes is also relaxing and grounding - and can be used to walk away from negative thoughts.

[fromthewondersystem]

this last week has been rough for me. extra work, late sleep, extreme pain, missed self care items/schedule.

but i’m actually really proud of myself.

friday reached a peak of it all, where i hadn’t showered in a week, was up all night, and couldn’t get myself off the floor.

but today i showered. i did laundry. i got caught up in some work. i brushed and flossed and washed my face. it wasn’t the end.

a big part of easing my mental illness symptoms and working towards long-term stability has been trying to have a routine, especially for self care. now this is something i tried last year but inevitably fell apart right after i got sick and then when i broke my foot. these things aren’t uncommon for me, so my goal for this year, aside from building this routine, is being able to keep to it and to not let it be torn apart when my disability or other circumstances strike me down.

i am not upset at myself for falling off the wagon. i knew it would happen, and it will probably happen again. i am proud of myself for getting back up. today i fell back into my built routine. today i adjusted and adapted to its change. did i do everything i wanted to do today? no. but i did a lot. and i’m in an ok place.

it’s hard to express how much this will mean to me if i can continue to get back on the wagon when i fall. it’s what i’ve been working so fucking hard for for so fucking long, and it’s amazing to see an actual difference.

[fromthewondersystem]

The Is and Isn'ts of Fusion

(copied from my reddit post x3)

Hiya. I'm someone undergoing fusion-focused therapy to treat DID. Every day I open this app to some new and fascinating misconception about fusion, so I wanted to clear things up.

Please note that I am not a student of psychology or mental health practitioner. The advice I share comes from my personal experience of fusion, as well as my therapist's - who has multiple clients with DID - understanding of fusion-centered therapy. I have also done talk therapy, parts work, cognitive processing therapy (a modified form of CBT to treat PTSD), and DBT.

Fusion isn't...

- **A convenient way to get rid of alters.** I can speak for myself, and other fusions within the system have said the same, that we carry on our personhoods and identities and memories, and even relationships within the system. I was V and M, and now I'm both of them.

- **A loss.** As said above, my personhoods carried over when the parts of me that make up me fused. If anything, I view it as a gain - Ariadne has everything V and M had, plus a bit more because I am a calmer, more controlled, and more mentally equipped person.

- **The death of an alter.** In a literal sense, alters cannot die. And, also, as said above, my personhoods carried over.

- **The end of the involved alters' relationships.** This isn't a problem for us with other people, because we operate as a package deal in our relationships with others. But also, within the system, some of our insys relationships carry over. Gabriel was Monika's best friend, and he's still mine. Some of our insys relationships are different, too (Fray and Cal are no longer romantically involved,) but like all changes we can adapt to it.

- **Purposely killing an alter.** Shut up.

- **The same thing as integration.** Integration is any type of processing and work that results in the system "running better" - smoother communication, greater continuity of memory or experience, more willingness to work together, and fusion are all some examples of integration.

- **The only choice to get better.** Some people with DID find that functional multiplicity suits their recovery goals more.

Fusion is

- **Healthy.** I'm happier fused than I was apart, for sure, even though it was a difficult adjustment at first. I've had to overcome knowing a fuller picture of my childhood. It's difficult, but I know this is what I want and I'm doing better.

- **Stable.** Lots of fearmongering happens in DID spaces, with the idea that once you fully fuse you're prone to splitting apart again. While that is possible, fusion does not happen without *significant* healing and trauma processing. By virtue of being able to fuse, work has been done. New, healthier coping skills have been learned.

- **A fluid experience.** Within our own system, we experience fusion in different ways. Fray is one alter who holds many experiences. I'm Ariadne, but Monika and Val are still two distinct parts within me. There's absolute continuity of experience, consciousness, and emotion, so I don't consider us separate the same way our alters are. But, I'm one and two at the same time.

- **Achievable.** With sufficient trauma-processing, many people are capable of fusing.

- **The right choice for some people.** Functional multiplicity works for many. I'm not devastated by the thought of remaining multiple for the rest of my life, but I'd also like to work towards fusion because I know that's what would make me happiest.

[fromthewondersystem]

Questions to ask when looking for a therapist for your CDD

This is the Therapist Interview I’m copying from the DID Sourcebook by Deborah Bray Haddock, M.Ed.

I’m typing this up on my phone because I can’t get on my laptop right now, but I wanted to be inclusive to those who need it in text form rather than a picture

Anyway I believe these are questions you can print out and write answers for yourself as you interview them? I hope somebunny finds it useful

———

1. Do you treat DID? Circle Yes or No

If so, what is your general philosophy regarding treatment?

(List key points on a separate sheet)

2. Are you licensed? Circle Yes or No

If not, why not? (List key points on a separate sheet)

3. How much do you charge?

Do you accept insurance? Circle Yes or No

Do you accept (name of insurance company)? Circle Yes or No

Do you offer a sliding fee scale? Circle Yes or No

(If so, then list information regarding fees on a separate sheet)

4. What is your policy regarding emergencies?

Am I able to reach you in the case of an emergency? Circle Yes or No

(If no, ask what other provisions are made for emergencies and list them on a separate sheet)

5. What is your level of expertise in treating DID?

6. What are your beliefs regarding integration?

Do you see integration as a necessary goal of treatment? Circle Yes or No

7. How do you deal with child alters? (List answers separately)

8. How do you deal with angry alters? (List answers separately)

9. How do you deal with memories? (List answers separately)

Summary:

Things I think would be positive working with this therapist would include:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Things I think could be unhelpful working with this therapist include:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

[fromthewondersystem]

there’s this thing about uncovering trauma memories that makes it a jigsaw puzzle.

you start with the edges, the corners that you don’t know how they’re connected. a feeling associated with certain things. a reaction your body has. dreams that differ in specifics but carry common themes and parts.

as you stabilize more, more things slowly come back, as you start to fill in areas with parts of the picture that go together. a song. a person. a place.

as you get closer to finishing the puzzle, you’re able to add more specific details of the background. a certain non-traumatic event or activity. a reason you were there.

and it gets to a point where you can logically fill in the rest of the pieces to the puzzle by shake and color. why would that situation have occurred? well maybe there’s this very normal explanation. but based on my other normal memories, i know that’s not the case.

and then you’re stuck with one piece left in the puzzle. you know it’s shape, maybe even it’s probable colors. but you can’t find the piece. maybe it got lost somewhere along the way, maybe it was lost from the beginning, but it’s not there. and you’ll never know exactly what the piece looked and felt like, but you know what it is, because of all that surrounds it.

you don’t want to make your own puzzle piece, because it would be a fake one, maybe worse than what was supposed to be there. and it’s hard to accept you may never find the final piece, but sometimes we don’t get all our memories back. and it takes work to accept that. but not finding that final piece doesn’t mean you didn’t do the hard work (with a professional’s help) to complete the puzzle, and it doesn’t mean you failed.

[fromthewondersystem]

Emotional Flashback Management

When people think of PTSD and “flashbacks”, they often think of someone re-experiencing a traumatic experience like combat: seeing and hearing the traumatic experience almost like a hallucination. But Complex PTSD often involves a kind of flashback known as an “emotional flashback”. These flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them: they are simply a sudden flood of negative emotions like shame, fear, anger, sadness, helplessness, and hopelessness. People with C-PTSD therefore often don’t realize that they’re having a flashback, or even that they have PTSD. One of the key parts of C-PTSD recovery is learning to recognize and manage these flashbacks to traumatic childhood experiences.

The best source I’ve found so far on emotional flashbacks is Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. In this book and on his website, Walker suggests the following steps for emotional flashback management:

MANAGING EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS 

1. Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback.” Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now. 

2. Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past. 

3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior. 

4. Speak reassuringly to your Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally– that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared. 

5. Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless—a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before. 

6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback.) 

7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into “heady” worrying, or numbing and spacing out. 

Gently ask your body to relax. Feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain.) 

Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger.) 

Slow down. Rushing presses the psyche’s panic button. 

Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap. 

Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it. 

8. Resist the Inner Critic’s catastrophizing. (a) Use thought-stopping to halt its exaggeration of danger and need to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying no to unfair self-criticism. (b) Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments. 

9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate—and then soothe—the child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection. 

 10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate those close to you about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them. 

11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable. 

12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still-unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met. 

13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback. 

[fromthewondersystem]

Adding on a bit about what my therapist has told me re: modified types of EMDR!

EMDR: what unmodified EMDR is, very intense in both desensitization and reprocessing.

EMDr: you work a lot on desensitizing to a trauma memory, but don’t spend as much intensity or time in reprocessing. The goal here is more of a stability in dealing with memories instead of trying to fully interact with all of it

emdr: this is one my current therapist has done with me. instead of EMDR’s audiovisual cues and full on going into a memory, we do something like butterfly tapping and focusing more on feelings about an event and them leading to other feelings instead of the event itself

Some Basic Advice About EMDR for Systems

(drawing on our own experiences, reading about it, and comparing notes with our therapist)

This is mainly aimed at systems who are considering doing EMDR or planning on it, but want to know what the process is like and what to look out for, with some personal experiences sprinkled in.

Under the cut, because I talk a lot:

General Concept

I think the big picture in our experience is that EMDR is/was like…an intensifier for the kind of headspace/internal system interaction processing work that a lot of systems do naturally, at least a little, especially if they have decent internal communication. This has both upsides and downsides/areas to be cautious about.

A lot of EMDR pre-work (often called “resourcing” iirc) is about making sure you have a good toolbox of “mental tricks/techniques” to be able to handle unexpected intense emotions, feelings, and/or imagery etc that often comes up when you get into trying to work with traumatic stuff. This is in my opinion very important, and something your therapist should take at least a few sessions to talk with you about even if you already have good tools for it already, just to make sure they knos your strategies and you’re all on the same page. Also super common and normal to spend some time developing extra ones if needed—stuff like “the box” for temporarily containing crisis emotions when needed, having a mental “safe space” that you can come back to, etc. Also, EMDR specifically tends to often be a little rigid/scripted in the types of visualizations and metaphors you’re “supposed” to use, but in my opinion a good therapist should be flexible enough to adapt to equivalent images/techniques you may already have (like, “imagine you’re viewing the traumatic memory on a movie screen, or out the window of a train going through a tunnel” is a common instruction; if, say, your headspace has a lot of fantasy elements and it makes more internal sense to be viewing the memory via…scrying in a dish or something, your therapist should be down with you doing that instead, if you want to).

As for the sessions themselves, a big thing we don’t hear articulated a lot is that, in our experience  and that of some other folks we know, EMDR has a tendency of being…like, sneakily intense: It doesn’t necessarily hit you all at once in the session, which may just feel “ok that was Some Therapy Work but I’m chill”, but over the rest of the day and maybe even the next few days, it’s not uncommon to keep feeling a lot of emotional intensity/vulnerability, having more intense “internal conversations and/or realizations”, etc. For this reason, EMDR is generally supposed to start with a very mild memory-to-process, like 4-5 out of 10 max.

Notes of Caution and Stuff to Keep In Mind

Especially for folks who already heavily dissociate from emotional trauma, it’s super easy to think you’re “going too easy” only to find that the memory has a lot more emotional baggage than you realized—really go easy on yourself when you start, EMDR is like psychology power tools and you absolutely can hurt yourself. (We’ve heard from plenty of systems who had bad therapists who did not adequately support them in doing EMDR, and absolutely fucked them over by starting too big and retraumatizing the hell out of them— this isn’t meant as fear-mongering, especially if you really like and trust your therapist, but just genuine “hey, EMDR can be very volatile stuff, which is part of why it can be so helpful, but also means that it’s important to not skip out on the safety precautions and self-care”.) What this means in practice is often stuff like: (our recommendations at least) - trying to schedule breaks/easy days immediately after - possibly getting someone to drive you home, especially if you know you’re going after a Big Thing, because the dissociation hangover immediately after can be pretty real - start with a memory that feels "too easy", and scale up if a week later it still felt trivial/like you’re fully over it, because it’s way easier to ramp up than try to do damage control.

Our personal experience, in tl:dr form, was that it felt like the core of the technique was really useful for us, and mirrored some of the most useful instances of self-processing we’d had before while also kind of serving as a “shortcut” to it—but, it was pretty intense and we didn’t really like/fit well with the therapists who we were working with at the time, which is why we stopped (didn’t want to keep doing an emotionally intense thing with folks we didn’t trust).

Finally, a bit about EMDR and "maybe I'm plural but I'm not sure, and/or may not have great in-system communication": yeah, this is a case to be especially slow and careful, for all the aforementioned reasons; what my instinct/recommendation would be in those cases is to: 1) make sure you learn a lot of resourcing techniques 2) try to check in with yourself(s) frequently and with compassion/intent-to-collaborate, "ask the inside of your head how it's feeling" and even if you're not sure whether the "reply" was just your own thoughts or a headmate, listen and try to engage with/respect those responses and emotions 3) if you start getting warning signs/back-off signals/sudden intense feelings, listen to them and lighten up, pause the session if you need to, do some self care etc, even (especially) if you don't know why you felt that way and it seems 'odd/random', and really you're super curious about what's going on and just want to figure it out. Like...you and the inside of your head and/or other system members are trying to navigate a complicated D&D maze together, in the dark, and you each only have part of the map--so you have to work together and trust each other, especially listening to warning signals even when your "part of the map" doesn't show anything to worry about there. And the more you work together and trust each other, the better everything gets, including therapy work.

When it's "Death By A Thousand Papercuts"-type Trauma Instead

If you're not sure where to start because there aren't a lot of obvious "Big Bad Memories" that feel like they adequately explain the issues you're having, some recommendations:

-> First, note that "no Big Bad Memories are immediately coming to mind, idk" is super common in systems and also in CPTSD, way more than I think most folks realize, so know that you're not alone and also that it doesn't mean you don't necessarily have stuff deserving of help and support.

-> So yeah, there's kinda two things imo you can try. The first is, if your therapist is on the more flexible side, you can try doing EMDR with either "this specific memory wasn't too bad, but it's representative of an ongoing pattern or theme that wasn't great" (say, loneliness at school or something, and you pick a specific lunchtime memory, which wasn't really That Bad in the moment, but you were kinda sad and/or upset about it and it feels representative of the overall trend you're trying to process/heal). Or you can try just doing the EMDR process on the theme itself, at the abstract level, and see what comes up--again, I'd really recommend starting with a much lower-stakes issue/theme than you think you need, just because it's really easy to underestimate, especially for systems and other folks whose brains dissociate a lot. (And especially if you know your system has episodic amnesia--e.g. event-amnesia/blackout amnesia--as well as emotional amnesia.)

The second is, there are other "more flexible" types of similar somatic therapy techniques (brainspotting is the name of another one, and there's more I can't think of rn) that might fit better instead-- tldr, totally worth asking your therapist about the whole situation, and asking what they'd feel most qualified for/comfortable with, in my opinion. You don't need to be doing Specifically Exactly EMDR to do somatic trauma therapy, even though EMDR is one of the more well-known modalities for it, and finding a version that feels right and not like you're forcing anything is really valuable (and you're not 'being picky' if it takes a while to find one; you're allowed to want to find one that feels right).

[fromthewondersystem]

sometimes, i get upset seeing how many people i know have integrated or fused. don’t get me wrong, i’m so incredibly happy for them. i love that friends and acquaintances are recovering; they deserve it.

but some of them i knew when they were far behind me in recovery, and it feels like i’ve remained incredibly stationary. i’ve worked through a lot, but it’s mostly been the events of the year. so much has happened - i’ve lost and pained so incredibly much, tho also gained some happiness. we’ve been focusing on stability. every time we plan to get started on the trauma stage in therapy something else happens and we’re stuck back in that again.

i just want to make progress. i want to process my trauma, i want to integrate, to learn and work with all my parts fluidly. and yet i’m still here, while one friend i actually watched learn they were a system and helped find resources from my own experiences is already integrated now and working on fusion. o want the best for them, tho it’s so easy to feel left behind.

[fromthewondersystem]

i know i’ve been inactive on this blog but i’m still here! just haven’t had anything in particular recently to post to this blog specifically

[fromthewondersystem]

This might get be shot in the foot but can someone explain the argument that alters can only have names that match the body's ethnicity/culture/country of origin to me like I'm 3? I just. Don't get it. One of our core values is to be a forever student, so we are more than willing to learn and adjust here if we're wrong, but with the information we have this argument doesn't make sense to us.

I just don't see how a name is cultural appropriation. I definitely agree that like claiming that an alter in a white body is literally another race is appropriative, disrespectful, and flat out racist. No matter how you appear in headspace or how many pseudo memories you have, you will never experience that actuality of being that race. Claiming the experiences of minorities is obviously shitty.

I don't see how simply having a name from another culture is the same though. Just having a name is not equal to claiming that you are actually X ethnicity when you're not. As long as alters acknowledge that they are not a different race than the body and don't claim to be, what is the harm in letting them have the names that they have?

I just saw someone who was told that it didn't matter that their anime alter with a Japanese name already acknowledged that they aren't and never will be Japanese and that it didn't matter that that alter was strongly attached to their name and distressed by being forced to change their name. They were told they had to force the alter to change their name and that the alter would just get used to it.

It just.... Seems cruel to forcibly take people's names from them to me.

Also. What about singlets who were given names that aren't from their race/culture/country/ethnicity. Are they culturally appropriating just by having those names they didn't choose to have? Would the argument be that they HAVE to change their names when they're old enough to?

I still come back to forcibly taking people's names just seems cruel to me.

Names are big parts of our identities, whether they're chosen, given, or inherited from a source. I just don't think people should be forced to part with such a big part of themselves unless it's their choice to find a name they love for themselves more.

So. What am I missing from the other side of the argument? What makes having names from other cultures appropriation? How is someone having a name causing harm? I would genuinely love if someone could break it down for me, because I just don't understand and if I'm lacking perspective, I'd love to gain it.

[fromthewondersystem]

SOURCE (sorry I can't find a free version, I don't remember how I got the full PDF lol)

I just wanted to share this because I've always thought it was a neat chart and I figured sharing might resonate with other people/help them realize stuff/whatever :P