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today might be a day i'll regret someday hahahaha

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Doubt (demo) now available everywhere https://TOP.lnk.to/doubt-demo

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there's this girl

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she's so freaking cool though!!!!! like tangina if i didn't make myself clear earlier: you're so coooool! play me the piano sometime 🥹 pls pls pls!

she can play the piano and she can read fucking sheet music 😭 nevermind don't play me the piano, at this point i'll probably melt.

YOUR FRENCH, TOOOO!!! i've always known i'm a sucker for the english accent but i didn't know that you, speaking french, would have the same effect 😭

you were even so interested with the whole library thing huhuhu you asked about my books, you seemed genuinely curious. you wanted to read books, too. even asked me for recommendations. what the fuuuuck!!

i keep reminding myself that i should stop this kind of thinking. i'm soooo scared to mess it all up. what if when you look at me, when you think of me, i'm nothing more than a friend, not even an option for a lover. but i can't help it when you're that awesome. the french? the music knowledge? the energy? the brains?? your eyes? your adorable smile? your smell? fuckkkkk how am i supposed to resist it😞

fuck. this is so wrong. i'll never be the lover of someone with the likes of you. i'm very much screwed. head over heels screwed.

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so many feelings, cooped up inside. just wanna burst it all out. scared of messing it up.

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to a more fortunate, kinder world

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cette année, je ferai de mon mieux

this year, i'll do my best

(one of my fave photos that i took this year. Mont-Saint-Michel in Normandy, France. it freaking looks like something straight from a fairy tale!)

another year has passed, and another has come. lots of things happened this past year, both good and bad. life, death, adventures, new experiences and people, i was a witness. i also celebrated 2 years since i've moved to france. time, what a surreal concept when you think about it.

2024 wasn't a bad year. after all, i am writing this very letter because of the things i'm thankful for that i learned during the last whole year. but i can't call it the best either, far from it. it still messed me up more than i would've preferred. i have never felt more alone than ever. i felt miserable and depressed, anxious and sad. this year was the year i turned 22, and that's another whole story of why the birthday I thought was going to be the best, was the most underwhelming. also the third holidays without the whole family. 2024 was definitely not the best.

all that, though, the good and bad, results to this thing i'm writing right now. for the first time in a while, i am actually looking forward to the beginning of another revolution around the sun. for once in a while, i am actually willing to do more. it's the perfect excuse, the perfect mark to start something new, and that's what I ought to do.

warning: this thing will be so chaotic. i'll probably repeat myself a lot, have grammatical errors, not write properly, too long, too whatever. this is my first time doing this so forgive me.

i don't wanna be here start fresh with a new year can't change what you've done start fresh next semester. - next semester by twenty one pilots

the very first time i heard this song, it was pretty clear that i'd find it relatable and time did nothing but to make that even more true.

in my own interpretation, this song embodies trying again. to me, the chorus implies some kind of su1cid3 attempt:

I remember certain things What I was wearing, the yellow dashes in the street I prayed those lights would take me home Then I heard, "Hey, kid, get out of the road!"

i recall the moment i realised i'm having su1c1d5l thoughts again earlier this year. i was depressed, i know that, but it's been a while since i've felt the urge to actually end it all. i was honestly surprised that i was fantasizing it again. that was when i realised i got better but is now deep under once again. the song tells what i want to do. i can't change what i've done, i can't alter what has happened. all i can do is start fresh, to start with the new year.

i want to make this year the year i actually become better. i don't even know how to explain it clearly. i just wanna make this year that i become truly happy.

this year had plot twists. turns i really did not expect. went to new places, tried new food, had new experiences, met new people, made new friends, was happy, was sad, was devastated, the death of loved ones, losing myself and the things that makes me, well, me. it was a lot. ironically, all these things also made me know myself better. i know what i must do, what i must stop, what to continue, what to learn, i know what i am to change and what i should keep.

i guess, what i should do is to recognise what and who i am right this moment, and set what i want to happen and what i would love to achieve.

je m'appelle forrest, 22 ans. je suis philippin qui habite à paris. je suis en france depuis 2022. je parle trois langue: filipino, anglais, et français! (mais j'apprends encore ce dernier). j'aime beaucoup des choses: regarder des films, écoute de la musique, jouer à des jeux, prendre des photos, aller aux musées et concerts, et bien d'autres choses.

translation: my name is forrest, 22 years old. i am a filipino who lives in paris. i have been in france since 2022. i speak three languages: filipino, english, and french! (but i'm still learning the latter). i love lots of things: watching movies, listening to music, playing games, taking photos, going to museums and concerts, and lots of other things.

i am really hopeful for this year. this is the year i do better. the best yet since leaving. i want to do more, both new and old stuff. i want to watch more movies, listen to more music, play more games, expand my knowledge on them. i want to take more and better photos. more museums and concerts (i'm seeing twenty one pilots this year!!!!). i want to try out new things, go to new places. i want to be healthier, be fitter, look better. if possible, the glow up i've been looking forward to, well, that's happening this year (hopefully).

i also want to make new friends, be more social, get out of my comfort zone more. this year, i want to change things. not anymore will i put in so much effort for people who are not willing to do the same for me. not anymore will i stoop so low for people to not leave. if they don't want anything to do with me, then so be it. i no longer want people who won't do the same for me. i won't force myself towards others anymore. it's fucking tiring to do everything, pour in the whole of me to just get an ounce or even none of affection back.

now, some more specific ones:

reading

i've rekindled my love for reading this year. from not reading a book for so many years, to reading more than 15 in a year! how awesome is that. so this next year, i want to do the same, if not better. i also want to try out different genres. if anyone has suggestions, gimme.

taking photos

this year was a fun year for taking photos even though i probably took less than last year. i discovered a new hobby: films! not the movies, like taking photos using actual analog films. it's heck a lot of fun. expensive but fun! and i hope to do more this year alongside taking better photos with my cam.

dream come trues

there were lots of struggles this year but there were also lots of good things that i once thought i'd never get to do. 2024 was also the year that ignited my love for playing games. and even better, i got to play games that i only imagined i could in my dreams. for christmas 2023, my sister and i bought a playstation 4 and we spend countless hours playing games on it, we loved it so much. a year later, we were able to save up and buy the newest generation playstation 5. it was so surreal. the thought that we were able to buy the newest version of something, and that we would be able to play, essentially, the biggest games is still breaking my mind. i hope to play more this year.

places

we were able to go to the place i've always wanted to go to since finding out about it: le mont-saint-michel. i mean, come on! look at it, doesn't it look like it came from a fairy tale story?? it does!!! this year, i wish to go to brand new places. i want to explore more, on my own, or with others.

myself

this year, i also learned to like myself more than before. i don't hate me as much as i did. i started taking better care of me, put in actual effort to look better, to seem more presentable. even though i don't really have a lot going on, i try my best to at least look okay. i really want to do more this year.

and that's enough. i'm tired of writing all these. probably forgot some, probably repeated many. nonetheless, i think i got the message i want to give through.

je veux être heureux. je veux ressentir ce que je n'ai pas ressenti depuis longtemps. je suis fatiguée. cette année, je veux changer. je vais me choisir. je vais être meilleur. cette année, je ferai de mon mieux.

- forrest

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oh ! i speak french now !! skl

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assuming it's what's happening tapos hindi naman pala hehe classic me

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hmm try me ? ill try my best naman

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i like you. you seem cool

but me

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minus the not so pleasant feelings and encounters and thingies... it's been fuuuuuun. like new places, pretty sceneries, museums, concerts soon. it's been fun

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this isn't getting any easier

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these are the men who saved my life on numerous occasions

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TWENTY ONE PILOTS — Routines In The Night