fruitbootfizz

[fruitbootfizz]

I live with the Becchio’s now. I woke up this morning and really felt like start a compost so I did that. I want to garden a lot this summer. Have dirt under my finger nails. Right now I’m making a turkey burger on a bed of eggs, sweet potatoes, pesto and goat cheese.

I crashed my car. My dad and mom might loan me $12,000 to buy my sprinter. That’s really kind of them. I hope it happens.

I photographed Rachel and Nicks wedding this past weekend. Whales, dolphins, and a seal popped in to say hello. I cried a lot. I got to be at the rehearsal dinner with all our friends eating together and celebrating them both.

The ratpack got chickens. I still haven’t seen them.

[fruitbootfizz]

[fruitbootfizz]

It’s been less than a week since I’ve been back from Europe and it has been really good and also not so good. I’ve missed the weather, my friends, the views, the casual way of life here. But after the mess with the Quinto house, I didn’t have a place to come back to and that has been really difficult. I didn’t have a place to unpack really, although Dia did let me use her driveway to organize my car so I can sleep in it until I find a place to live. I feel like I don’t really have a home right now and that really sucks right now.

During the day I head to trader joes multiple times to pick up a salad since i don't have a space i can cook or reheat things or store things in the freezer. I’ve cooked at haleys a few times and have showered there which has been nice. My hair is still super damaged and frizzy but at least it’s not coming out in clumps anymore in the shower. Maybe I’ll shave it. Maybe I won’t.

Allergies are super bad right now in my face. If there was an amount of sneezing allotted to a person a day, I’m pretty sure I passed it. 

I still haven’t been emailed on if I made it into 18 Inch Journey yet. They were supposed to let everyone know mid-April but now they're saying mid-May. Which is fine I suppose, I’m just already nervous about it and it’s really hard to trust Jesus about this. Like what if I don’t get in? What questions will I have for him? Will I cry and be really upset? Will I take it with grace? 

I think the real questions are, what can I do right now that will lead me to where I want to go? What am I going to do with my fall? Are there any places here in Santa Barbara that I could get involved in that would push me in the right direction?

I also need to be making more money. I’m waiting for verification for my Rover account so I can start walking all the dogs. That would help my money situation a little bit. and I would be getting exercise as well. I’ve also still got Josie. And I just got booked for a portrait session for next week for $450 which is fantastic. Tran and Johns $1500 payment for their wedding should be coming in this next week as well. I want to have a $1000 emergency fund done by the end of this year as well as 3-6 months of expenses. 

I want to start eating much better and go on a juice cleanse and cook healthy meals and its frustrating because I don’t have a place I'm living in right now. I’m thinking about joining golds gym. But I’m still unsure about it. It would be a good investment but first I need to get my finances in order. I wanna start doing more yoga and rock climbing and rollerblading and stuff. Basically, I just want to life a perfect life and I say this every year and every year I stuff my face with food and watch netflix all day. One year it’ll change. I hope. 

I should write more about Europe but I could never get it on here like it’s made its home in my brain. Which is not motivating and very frustrating. I’ll just name a few memories that were my favorite:

- Staying up all night in Paris and watching the woman in the building across the street shake her linens outside her window onto the alley below.

- Driving through the german countryside with Josef going 100 miles an hour listening to The Head and The Heart.

- The entire time we spent in Chamonix France in the Swiss Alps looking at all the dogs, meeting Doctor Zhivago the horse, meeting the guys I accidentally air dropped a photo to, and writing postcards by the fountain.

- Eating fondue with Joan and Mary and watching the swans and then eating ice cream.

- ITALY! So much goodness there. With a little bit of crazy. Francesco threw a huge party for Sabrina’s Birthday. That was such a fun night. We met andres and Angelica that night and carrie and I really really REALLY liked them a lot so we hung out with them the next day. We had super good margarita pizza and went to their art studio that a bunch of artists rent out in Milan. 

- Spain wasn’t the best. We didn’t get to spend it with local couch surfers but it was nice to stay in with carrie and watch movies and relax. We did go to a beach where there was a band playing and lots of people relaxing which was really nice. We also walked by a skatepark with two of the most beautiful men we’ve ever seen in our life

- London was awesome. We ate the most delicious burger with beef, lamb, and bacon dipped in gravy with sweet potato fries and a kahlua oreo milkshake. 

- Back in Paris, we met the other Villa housemate, Nicholas. My FAVORITE memory of the entire trip had to be the day we spent with him because we ended it by going grocery shopping in this little market and I cooked a meal in his parents beautiful apartment in the heart of the city. I made pasta with chicken, roasted tomatoes, mozzarella, basil and balsamic vinegar and a baguette on the side. It. Was. Incredible. It was also really amazing to see hope and eat dinner with her and see her incredible apartment. Before having dinner with her we went to an antique flea market where they just sold THOUSANDS of vintage things from Paris. amazing. I got some gifts from there for Nick and Rachel, Miranda and Wyatt, Miranda and Wyatt, and of course the ever so precious Pete Abrahamian.

I’ll never forget this trip for as long as I live. Now I just have to get the photos developed.

[fruitbootfizz]

It’s....day 5? In Europe? I think. It’s Monday. We left Tuesday. Arrived in Paris on Wednesday. Left on Saturday. Arrived in Munich Saturday night. And now it’s Monday morning. 11:11am exactly.

So much as happened. It’s been unreal. We didn’t sleep much on the plane to Paris. 10 hour flight, Carrie couldn’t keep anything down, not even water, from motion sickness. Our flight was late and we almost missed our flight from Iceland to Paris because of it. Second flight was a bit better. As soon as we arrived in Paris, Carrie threw up when we went down the escalator. It was pretty funny actually. We laughed about it.

Our air bnb was pretty cute. We stayed in an area outside of Paris called Aulnay-sous-Bois. Slept as soon as we got there and then only got up to eat some oddly delicious microwave lasagna from the corner store around the block from where we were staying. We woke up super early the next morning by accident. We were just...up. So we got up and ate some croissants at a bakery and got some euros from the ATM.

Lots of very cute Frenchmen. We’re acting like school girls and using the code Lasagna when we spot them. It’s been working quite well so far.

We dropped our luggage off at our couch surfer host, Maily’s house. Tristan was there and let us in. Initially we thought Tristan was really cute. He still is but more like a kid now. Childlike in his mannerisms or something. Not bad. Just not something I’m interested in. We walked around Paris a bit. I messaged Hope Curran letting her know that we were in town and wanted to see her. She messaged us back with a flyer of her art expose and told us to stop by. So naturally we plug in the address and go. A bit of a mistake on my end, but we end up in Bouffemont, which is over an hours drive outside of Paris to the north! The address I put in took us to a random house in the countryside. Turns out there are two places with that address. Our phones are slowly dying. 16%. We get right back on the bus and trains that got us there. I feel sort of bad but it was actually pretty fun and the mistake only cost me $7 really. What is traveling without adventures from mistakes? Once we were back we stopped by a store and got a charger and then went into Starbucks so we could charge our phones long enough to find Hope. On the way, we heard the bells at Notre Dame. It was actually pretty cool.

We get back into Paris and stop by Centre Genesis for the expose. I haven’t seen Hope in FOREVER but the cutie recognized me!!! I had my first macaron, given to me by a gorgeous friend of Hopes. His name is Carter and he’s actually from Michigan! We couldn’t stay for long though, Mailys was waiting to meet us at a local bar, Les Ecuries, nearby.

We get there lol but we’re not sure which one she is so we just wait around for her to text us back while we get some drinks. We were probably there for about 45 minutes before we saw Tristan haha and saw her. After that was incredible. We stayed out with them until 2:30 at this bar. We met Mailys and her boyfriend Valmont, and her some of her roommates Tristan, Charlely (?), Alexis, and some of her friends Arthur, another Alexis and some others. We drank, talked about politics, and then drank some more. The bar was really cool. It was under ground a bit and then spread out like a kind of maze. The each room was lit up with a different color. The barman that gave us our drinks was also gorgeous. Everyone spoke really great English. Our phones were dead but I almost liked it that way.

Mailys, Tristan, and I took the night bus back home. There was a fun band playing on it and we may have looked like loud drunk Americans but we were with loud drunk french people so I think it was ok. We got home and just hung out in the living room with everyone until about 4. Alexis was already home as he had taken his moped back. Turns out he flew off his bike because of an unexpected bump lol. “If you can drink, you can drive!”. It was a really fantastic night honestly.

We may have slept in the next day. Like. REALLY slept in. Till 2:30. But we didn’t feel bad about it. We got dressed and decided to stop by the park right next door. We bought some bread and cheese and grapes and raspberries. Sitting on a park bench, eating and people watching has never been nicer. The weather was perfect. Old men outside the park were playing this game that was similar to botchi ball. They were really serious about it too with measuring sticks and everything. We ate for a bit and then headed to the Eiffel Tower. Because why not? Once we were there we got to just read on the lawn and play spot the Americans. And two loud posh 17 year olds that we moved away from. There were also lots of guys bothering everyone every 5 minutes selling over priced alcohol and cigarettes. There was a group of older black American females all in matching clothes taking cliche pictures. There was another guy, probably American, that was dressed up in a penis costume. But it didn’t matter. We were there. We figured out the train system. We were traveling around Paris by ourselves. We were having the time of our lives just being there. How terrible would our trip have been if we were traveling with a tourist group??? No local bars, no making local friends and staying with them, just identical memories that Jim Bob and Susan shared too along with identical pictures. We both agreed that even if we had more money, couch surfing definitely tops in the authentic category.

We headed back and once we were inside the flat we met their other roommate, Tim. He was really cute and grew up in London a bit so his English sounded more from London than with a heavy french accent. Carrie and I rested for a bit and afterwards got ready for another night out in Paris with our new friends. We went to a different smaller bar instead just a block from their apartment. We mainly just stood outside drinking for a couple of hours. Hahaha Tristan asked everyone what they wanted to drink and I jokingly said hot chocolate. He literally brought me back a hot chocolate. It was fantastic. We had absolutely such a fun time with them. Mailys wasn’t there with us that night but there was Alexis, Tristan, Tim, their friend Manu, another friend Gium, and some others that came and went. Around 2 we headed back up the block and hung out in the living room. Just Carrie, Tristan, Tim, Alexis, Manu and I. We threw grapes and goldfish into each other’s mouths, Tim was wearing some of my clothes so we got him to go all in and wear my lemon dress (he is REALLY hairy. But not bad.), manu made us really good pasta with bacon, we listened to some really nice music. It was just...really nice. We ended up in Alexis’ room where they unboxed his new mattress that was shipped. Tristan climbed into the box and was messing around in it when Tim poured water down the top and got him all wet lol. We dog piled on the new mattress to test it, this is when Tim and Alexis fell asleep. Tim was on his stomach his head near mine, carries head was on his back her body next to mine with Alexis’ head on her stomach. We didn’t want to move because they were just too cute. Carrie and I were just whispering about how fun this has all been and how we didn’t want to leave the next day for Germany when Alexis, whom we thought was asleep, moved his hand inside of carries shirt and started fondling her lol. I quickly left and Tim woke up soon after and followed me out hahah. I decided not to go sleep anyway, it was 5am and I figured I would be more sleepy if I went to sleep than if I just stayed up. So I went downstairs to watch Netflix, hoping Tim would keep me company but he didn’t. Which was fine. I ended up watching most of Julie and Julia, slowly hearing Paris start the wake up. The sky grew lighter bit by bit and I heard people start opening their windows for the day. I sat and watched for a while as a women opened up her balcony to shake out her white linen sheets and some rugs. Very Parisian. Carrie woke up and came down and we packed our things, said goodbye to our sweet hosts and left.

[fruitbootfizz]

Easter Sunday; this one has been really difficult. My moms appendix ruptured and that just adds to an already shitty day. It’s not even 9 and I’ve cried twice. Both times it was because the becchios saw that I was having a hard time and asked if I was ok. They’re probably the nicest family I’ve ever met. We just started really talking in the last month and I already feel really close to them, I trust them a lot.

I don’t want Joy to ruin my day. Again. It’s Easter yet Jesus is here with me reminding me that I can trust him. He takes care of me. He always has and nothing Joy does can take that away. He covers it all. He heals it all. In the grand scheme of things, she doesn’t matter to my life and has no power to tell me who I am or am not.

We’re all at the Trigo house and Kevin is playing some really good tunes. It makes writing this a bit easier. I’m not sure why I feel out of place or why I feel like I can’t be myself and connect with everyone here. Not that I have to connect with everyone....maybe it’s just my headspace right now. But I feel this way sometimes when I’m having a great day. I just feel like if I stopped going to IVC, it wouldn’t really matter to most of them. Hardly any of them reach out to me anyway. I’m always the person that asks people to hang out. Maybe everyone’s feels that way. Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe I’m just overthinking. I’m glad I have rachel. She makes me feel really loved.

Wyatt hung out with me yesterday and helped me pack the rest of my stuff into Charlie. Even though he doesn’t really say encouraging things to me or lifts me up verbally, just him being there made me feel loved. He’s not a person of many words unless it’s on paper or in a song, but somehow I know what he’s trying to convey. That he’s my friend. He’s on my side. He supports me and he loves me. And he says all that without a word. He’s a pretty special guy, I’m blessed to know him.

The music has stopped and I’m looking at the shaved coconut in the empty french toast tray. It looks like fingernail clippings. I never liked shredded coconut.

[fruitbootfizz]

[fruitbootfizz]

My car is full of nearly everything I own. Joy was in the house cleaning her room (Dominique is stopping by tomorrow to inspect her room so I can get my security deposit back. Little wins.) while I was cleaning out my spaces. Today is just a really hard day. I feel really tired emotionally and mentally. I don’t want to think about the last two weeks at all. I’ve got a couple more days until I’m headed for Europe, so I’m almost there. But it’s still hard.

The becchios are letting me stay at their house the next two nights (plus last night) since I can’t exactly sleep in my car. They’re really such a big blessing. I want to be a mom like that one day. Really generous and funny and hospitable. This morning when I woke up, I saw a book under their coffee table in the living room about all the hikes and backpacking trips in and around Santa Barbara. This morning when I read parts of it, I felt like God was listening to me and giving me the tools I was needing. I need to trust him with more.

I’ve got $300 for Europe. Which is sad. I had expected my tax return to be a lot bigger than it was. I had around $500 and then I dropped $250 on luggage which is stupid. But at least the actual tickets were cheap. I should be getting $500 for my security deposit only I don’t know how soon that’ll be. Estabon owes me $50. I was gonna sell my leather jacket for $200 but forgot about it. I’m supposed to be talking to Nick and Rachel tonight about their wedding since I’m shooting it. Hopefully they’ll send another payment within the next two weeks. Otherwise I might have to borrow money from my parents which I don’t want to do because I feel badly about that.

My finger is throbbing from a hang nail that I keep messing with. I almost like it. It’s almost fitting for how shitty this day feels. Even the weather seems to agree.

I can’t decide on if I want my short hair or if I want to grow it out nice and long. Sometimes I feel like my long hair makes me look like a child. I know that if it’s long, my habit is to always have it pulled back or in a bun. With my short hair it’s always down which I like, but I feel like it looks stupid if my hair isn’t lightly curled and tousled. I’m torn. Maybe I should just shave my head. The Colombian side of my family would just love that. I also wanna dye my hair white. Raine said she could do it. But it would be expensive.

I need to be more okay with how I look. The way I perceive myself physically doesn’t make me feel good. I feel like my face looks really weird but at the same time I think I look really plain and average. Those are conflicting yet I can’t change my mind. I can admit that sometimes I can take a good picture but all in all I don’t really feel beautiful. I feel better on days where I don’t look in the mirror and I’m just feeling like myself. And that sounds good and I guess it is but I wish I also felt good when I look in the mirror. Instead it’s just a rush to leave the reflection or stare at it with indifference. I keep wondering how other people see me. How men see me. How my husband will see me. And I doubt that if they think I’m attractive then that they’ll keep thinking that I’m attractive later. I just don’t know. I pray that I would feel more beautiful. Because this is really hard.

[fruitbootfizz]

Listening to the She-explores podcast and they’re interviewing these two girls, ages 13 and 15, about all the hikes they’re doing and the peaks they’ve bagged and I’m realizing that I’m so full of excuses.

I have so many reasons why I don’t go on hikes, or don’t go on backpacking trips, or don’t do _______. It’s kind of bullshit. I have this....tendency to not go hiking because I don’t have hiking boots or because I’m too lazy to drive or there’s no one to go with me or WHATEVER. In my head I’m always thinking about doing hikes with my kids and accomplishing things in the outdoors but if I’m not this person now, what makes me think I’m gonna do it then? I’m just gonna have a different set of excuses.

I want to start planning hikes. Sleeping at trailheads. Heading out super early in the morning. Taking time by myself to relax and enjoy nature while also exercising. I’m tired of making excuses. I want to go on road trips. I want to go backpacking and hiking. I want to go climbing outdoors in the sierras. I just need to start to do them instead of not doing them because my gear isn’t ideal or my food isn’t ideal or all the other excuses I have.

I’m also starting to realize that I have to choose. Either photography or travel. Not that I can’t do both, what I mean is....choosing to be in photography full time and not get a job OR getting a job that allows me to take time off whenever so that I have money coming in and I can buy a van to live out of. Which is more important to me? The title of being a “full time photographer” or being able to say “I work as much as I can so I can adventure on my off days”

I’m pretty confident in the latter. But then the question is what job? I already have photography things and the delivery with Josie. Do I look into nannying? Dog walking? Work from home for a company? Work at bar and make good tips?? Who knows?! This is my current dilema. Semi-current. For the next month I’ll be in Europe so I won’t really have to think of it. But I should start.

[fruitbootfizz]

Canon AE-1/Kodak Portra 160

[fruitbootfizz]

It’s funny how so much can change in just a matter of weeks. Sometimes it’s not so funny. My life right now is in flux in so many different ways, it’s almost hard to keep track. Friendships shifting into people I used to know, living changing into desperation, and staying turning into traveling. I’m less than a week from heading to France and there’s so much revolving around me if I didn’t have good friends to talk to I’d probably lose my head from the pressure and it would pop right off. I thank God I’m not a stressed out person in my nature although this week has been a trial. Sleeping in my car full time has put me through the fire in a way. It’s brought me a lot closer to what it means to value my time and the mornings I wake up to the sunrise or rain hitting my windshields and it’s also made me confront respecting space, communication, and knowing my boundaries. I’m still looking for that van. In its own time, I understand that much. However, I can be putting a lot more effort and I just need to write down what that looks like tangibly.

I’ve learned a lot about what true friendship looks like in the last year. Rachel has shown me and spoken life into me. I’ll never forget the words she has said about my character and about the happiness and growth I’ve brought her. I hope she never forgets the encouragement I send her way either. She’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. I never knew people could exist like that. So whole, complicated in the best way, and so light. She’s taught me a lot about fear and how to battle through that. I’m not sure if I’ve ever told her that....I don’t think I knew that until now. I’ll tell her.

Rachel. Nick. Pete. Wyatt. Miranda. Morgan. Coop. Haley. Brooke. I get to tell my kids about these people someday. And about how much they mean to me. Maybe they’ll meet them? Maybe they’ll grow up alongside their kids. Only time knows where our lives will lead but I’m glad I’ve already gotten to know them.

Pete got a Subaru. So now we’re car buddies. I need to ask if he’s named it yet. Rachel and Nick will be married soon. I’ll miss her bridal shower. I’m really bummed about that. Really really bummed. Nick calls me Bella and I think that’s probably one of my favorite things. We’re friends. And that’s also a favorite. I wanna hear wyatt and nick play together again. Those were good times. I’m gonna help rachel pick dresses for her to wear at the bridal shower and something else. We get to hang out on Friday in the morning before she and I leave. She’s so special.

I haven’t seen Carrie since last summer when she was here with tanner. They’re broken up now but those were good times too. I wish I would’ve written more while she was there. But at least I have pictures. I dislike that Joy is in those pictures. Looking back, I don’t think I ever liked her. I just liked some moments that we had. Now it just makes me annoyed. That’s a real feeling. And it’s out there now.

I’m trying not to put writing in a box. And make up fake rules. Why do I have these imaginary rules about what I can and can’t do within a certain subject? I’m canceling that. I don’t wanna do that. My mom used to tell me when I was younger that I was a good writer. Obviously after that I shied away from it because when are moms right about things like that. Turns out more often than not. She’s always known me. Deep down. Maybe she doesn’t know everything but she knows a lot more than the younger parts of me like to admit. Rachel told me the other day that I should start writing more too. So this whole thing is a pretty new development. Brooklyn also inspired this. She wrote a lot about her trip here. I liked that. Pete has a couple voice recordings that he made about his day. I liked that too. I’ve always hated the physical act of writing. I think I’ve just gotten frustrated that my handwriting changes every 3 lines and I’m very much about uniformity when it comes to writing. I want it to look good. But who says writing has to be on paper? I don’t. So I’m here. My wrist would’ve been sore by now on paper with a pen. But I’m still here. Typing as fast as ever. So now I’m writing more. I also thought that writing has to be this big extraordinary thing and has to be perfect but I’m not perfect so why should my writing be? It’s like a daily photograph written down. It’s not necessarily pretty or perfect or whatever. It’s just what happened. What is. What future me and future people will see. What they’ll read. What they’ll understand about this period in my life. I don’t want to put my experience in a box. The other side of the coin is laziness coupled with not thinking my life/feelings/day is worth writing about. But every time I look through an (unfinished) journal and read past entries I realize the importance. These are the good days and I wanna remember them.

I was at Wyatt and Miranda’s house today and last night. I spent the night after hanging out with them and Haley and Judah. Woke up to a cute baby. Judah really is such a cute kid. Then we wanted to make a beef stew in the crock pot for tonight’s dinner so we went to smart and final and then we had Panda Express for lunch. Cravings is such a weird notion. You only want that thing you’re craving and you can already taste it and feel how you would feel after you’re full. I ran some errands. Switched a bag at Parker clay for a smaller one to take to Europe. I may have accidentally misplaced one of their wallets. But they don’t exactly pay me either which I think maybe start bothering me if I don’t figure out the clear boundaries between them and me as a business. But to ask them about it I should probably figure out a fair trade to propose to them instead of just complaining without a solution. I also hung out with Hannah today!! I sent her the photos from colombia of the camera bag she made me! She really loved them. I hope to take better ones in Europe now that I’ve got Carrie to help model. I think she’ll like that as well. I told her about the housing situation and the fall out with Joy. She sympathized with me which felt nice because it made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. We went outside and took some photos of these REALLY cute clutches with some second hand super cool zippers she got from clothing at the thrift store. It was such a nice day today. Ever since Peyton and Brooklyn left from here back to Santa Barbara it’s been all fun. It’s making me excited for summer. I can feel it in my body, makes my skin relax and melt into this feeling of remembering how summer has felt in the past, how it felt to have friends laying in the grass eating chips and snacks, knowing that it’s so soon to feel that again. My whole life I’ve been frustrated that I can’t take those feelings of excitement when the seasons change or giddiness with the environment I’m in and jar them up into something tangible, something I can take out and feel whenever I want to. I think that’s what heavens like. Always feeling that sweet spot where you belong and you feel at peace and at the same time you feel endless and abounding in joy. I’ll get there. But what’s frustrating here and now about when I get that rush of feeling something emotionally good and whole is that the only thing I can do about it, is feel it. I can’t grab it or reach for it. It’s this increasingly just out of my stretch feeling that I sense while feeling full and happy. I can’t a single thing about what I’m feeling except to feel it. Knowing that’ll it’ll pass. And sometimes I over think the thought that this moment will pass and then I don’t enjoy it as much as I can because I know it’s passing and then I miss it. I miss it because I don’t want to fucking miss it. It’s a mess really. But no one can take that feeling away either. One day I hope to be able to describe what that feels like to my kids so that they’ll look for that same feeling and appreciate where they are and what’s going on.

Life is so complicated and messy and whole and good. And sometimes you just have to sit in that and feel it.

[fruitbootfizz]

bits + pieces of life lately (can you tell we are prepping for a baby??)

[fruitbootfizz]

My Edits

[fruitbootfizz]

[fruitbootfizz]

[fruitbootfizz]

Ursa Major Collection’s No. 6 Look book #SS17

Shot by Nastassia Brückin

Clothes Caron Callahan

Model Abrielle Stedman

Hair/Makeup Rita Lee Burton

[fruitbootfizz]

[fruitbootfizz]

From earlier this month in Pendleton OR, ask me questions while I sit at the airport editing old catalogs ✌🏼️