futureloveofmine

[futureloveofmine]

Silly ass blog I made 10 years ago I turn 29 in 2 weeks

My husband and I are getting a divorce. But it feels like a natural ending not screaming no hatred maybe a touch of anger over specific details but it’s hard to be heart broken over someone who did t really see me or want to see the person I am

Not when I’m in love with a woman who loves me so deeply I didn’t think anyone would understand the wounds beyond the shallows of my heart. I don’t have all the answers rn

But I do know I’ve been terrified of 29 for a while I always thought I’d die at 29 and in a way I’m going through a total death of self so I wouldn’t say I was wrong.

Anyway that’s what you get a decade later

[futureloveofmine]

Dear 19 year old me,

we started this blog while trying to force a relationship with a fuck boy you had feelings for.

We actually married him for non-relationship reasons

We dissociated through several relationships and situationships. We married a very nice man but we also are poly and queer.

We recently started our first serious relationship with an amazing woman.

I finally woke up.

I’ve told my story you documented the journey in real time but now we get to enter our falling in love sapphic edition.

[futureloveofmine]

Hey,

There is someone else now.

I thought you should know.

She’s sweet and kind and spicy 🌶️

She hear us when we speak and we always are wish wanting, waiting for our next time together.

She wants me just as much as I want her no one sided bullshit. No more caring bigger than they cared for me. We manifested each other because we were tired of hurting.

It’d be a lie to say I don’t miss the people I thought we could be but thank you for blocking us as it was the fail piece of hope taken from my jar and I vow to only give time to those worthy of my heart.

So yeah I’m finally moving on and I thought you should know.

[futureloveofmine]

This

hey, bro? are we vibing? are we connecting on the spiritual plane, bro? your aura is striking. can i kiss you deeply, dude?

[futureloveofmine]

**nothing to do with this blog I just need to yell into the void***

My mother is about to find herself in a you fucked around and you’re about to find tf out situation.

But I also don’t want her to see or know she brings out any form of reaction out of me.

I’m just annoyed that time and time again boundaries are crossed.

It’s been a year and a half no contact with her and tiktok suggested her as a follow worth having now she is in my contacts but it’s wierd she has an account but follows no buddy…. Also who creeps and puts up her own profile pic.

The sad part is that if she put in a fraction of the effort she does to cross boundaries into fixing what has been broken. We probably wouldn’t be no contact right now. 

[futureloveofmine]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[futureloveofmine]

This can be a tough pill to swallow because love is such a powerful thing. But you deserve someone who treats you right.

[futureloveofmine]

Dear past love of mine,

Stop occupying the corners of my mind ..

I can’t trust anyone and that wound you left is still fresh.

Lately Ive been so painfully aware of the fact that it’s almost been a year now since we last spoke.

I got 2nd bested today by a newer relationship and it hurt a bit

I don’t like that I want to completely withdraw from an entire human because of one small action especially when the tenor isn’t there.

I’m scared to let someone as close as I let you in.

I even find myself closing of to my husband because for a brief moment I let someone in close and I trusted you with my whole existence. Then you disappeared without so much as a goodbye or a fuck you.

When you entered my life I learned to love the color yellow… I craved the warmth of the sun… I felt so blessed to exist just to see your sunbeams.

We shared so many intimate thoughts and words we dare not speak out loud when other are around. For the first time I felt seen heard loved. You healed the part of my soul that said I wasn’t allowed to love myself, that I was worthy of true honest unconditional love and I felt the same for you.

No one feels like you did

No one fits the spot in my soul

When I got to exist around you I never wanted anything more than to make sure I contributed anything and everything I could into giving you the world you dreamed of.

Somethings always in the way I’m was in the way once you found my replacement and this one came with a friend for him.

I hope you’re doing better without me. In many ways I have excelled in this last year you’d be so proud. I know it. I just don’t think I’ll find a friend that feels like the home we both deserved.

I love and miss you

I hate moving on but I am trying. Just most people they don’t understand the neurodivergence they don’t know why I can’t handle a last minute change of plans. I’m a flake I’m a shit friend but you made me want to be the best person. The person that I want I wanted to be and I put too much on you I know I have my fair share of blame to hold. I think everytime I begin to feel close to anyone you’ll always haunt my brain.

For now youre still my sun ☀️ except now im Pluto

- sad confused and rambling

[futureloveofmine]

Pb & I fucking miss him dude

-A

[futureloveofmine]

I accept we weren’t meant to be this lifetime, but I miss you so much my love.

[futureloveofmine]

I wish you’d stay out of my dreams

I’m healing and we don’t need you to throw a wrench in that.

What we were was a 19 year olds dream I could t imagine us together now we don’t even know each other so please I’m asking kindly

Stay out of my dreams

[futureloveofmine]

D.I.D you weren’t wrong just looking at the wrong diagnosis

So here is the thing

I’m like 99.9% sure there more to my moods than anxiety and depression.

Tonight I came home from what was over all a great day. I felt sick to my stomach so I was laying in bed while my boyfriend was folding laundry and telling me about his day. My roommate came in and invited us to go to our favorite restaurant. I declined because all the sudden I could feel myself hold back tears.

Boyfriend opted to have them pick him up something and even though everyone persisted on me getting Togo I still declined while trying to not make eye contact. I knew if I blinked or said more than 2 words at a time I was going to lose it.

Fast forward 30 minutes later

I got to the bathroom for a tissue and while I was washing my hands (because germs) I lost it.

I shut the bathroom door and sat I. The dark for about 3 minutes sobbing in the fetal position hand over ears eyes covered rocking back and forth. For no reason.

After the 3 minute mark boyfriend decided it was probably safe to come do damage control since there wasn’t too much going on. (After a year and a half he knows most the triggers and when it’s safe to enter)

But I didn’t have a reason. I didn’t have a trigger. I just cried. I mean bad things have happened this week but I either had a coping device or it solved itself. I was just crying. I felt nothing. I started to feel frustrated because I didn’t know why I was crying and I’m not a baby I only cry when I can’t handle it anymore.

I need to see someone about this stuff but it’ll have to wait (as usual) until I have money for that.

I just needed to get that off my chest sorry tumblr

[futureloveofmine]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[futureloveofmine]

Can’t get her off my mind.

[futureloveofmine]

hey, bro? are we vibing? are we connecting on the spiritual plane, bro? your aura is striking. can i kiss you deeply, dude?

[futureloveofmine]

I once loved a girl before I realized what love was.

Being around her was like laying a field in the late springtime looking up at the sky

Her smile ignited even the darkest parts of my life.

I was an idiot busy begging for a man who never loved me give give me an ounce of attention.

We used to drive the the beach around sunrise. The early morning drives, the smell of weed lingering in our hair and we made way to the water. We’d lay in the sun and talk about the universe.

She supported ever choice I made and would talk me through my darker nights.

After a while she moved away, got rid of social media, and we both changed numbers so often we just eventually lost contact all together.

In the years since coming out I think about her often because I think had I known my truth at such a young age I would have ran off into the world with her. Fearless as she was I know where ever she is she’s done something amazing.

I have since come to peace with wheee our story ends or so I had thought.

Tonight I found our old Snapchat thread, I reread every bit of the conversation I had left of her. Gods I was oblivious and maybe she was too.

I wanted to message her the moment I realized who it was. But she may not even have Snapchat anymore or not use this account, I don’t know what I would say if she answered anyway.

Hi I’m vi, I was to far gone to realize my feeling for you 7 years ago … absolutely not

But also 🤔

[futureloveofmine]

I have been manifesting you in my dreams

I see you often now but I still can’t remember who you are when I am awake.

My heart no longer hurts because I feel your presence nearing.

The water will calm

The balance in my life will once again be restored