fuyunotamashii - Tumblr blog

[fuyunotamashii]

Such beautiful words ♥️

[fuyunotamashii]

I feel like a terrible parent and wife today. I screamed at Winter because she wasn't listening to me when I told her not to put her arms around me as her hands are still dirty with play-doh even after washing up. And when I demanded again and again why she did it after I already told her twice not to do so before I shouted, she said it was because she just wanted to hug me. That made me 'wake up' a little, but later, I still shouted again when I asked her why she thinks I am mad at her, and she said it was simply because she put her dirty hands around me. This made me feel even more guilty because I am sure my reaction is making her feel that is the case and I was trying to over-compensate by making sure she got it that it was because she was not listening.

I just have so much negative emotions inside me and I am feeling so distracted and so out of it mentally and emotionally since Wayne and my argument yesterday. I am sure it is probably even before that because I have not been feeling good. There's just so much on my mind and I've been wanting to declutter, to compartmentalise and just clean up all this shit in my head/ physical belongings.

[fuyunotamashii]

Wayne told me that he actually saw a counsellor for 3 months/ 6 sessions during COVID. He felt really upset about things that were happening within the family - more me. Our relationship and marriage troubles. It was also during the time when he was dealing with shit with his dad/uncle/ and the staying together saga.

Another thing he also told me was how he’s worried about going to couples counselling together is because- he’s afraid that if things don’t work out, I would use going to marriage counselling as the ‘last straw’ to say let’s end it there. He’s afraid of losing me and he loves me so he doesn’t want the marriage to end.

I wonder if it’s because it’s me, or that it’s because we have a family together already? We should have deeper talks about this.

[fuyunotamashii]

What is the right away to blog about stuff?

Maybe let's start with understanding what I was so triggered by: the tonality and frustration from a simple 'respond' from me that was not insinuating or deserving of any negativity or inciting a fight.

W: So what's our plan regarding Winter's primary school?

P: What was the last conclusion?

W: Wa dear, why are you always xxxxx.

(after his long rant), P: Is this the right time to be talking about this? And I don't find how my reply warrants such a negative reply from you

W: .... continues with his rants.

At this point of time, we are definitely at a crossroads. Either we go for intensive couple's counselling, or we move ahead towards a temporary separation.

It has been going on for too long, it is too damaging for both of us to be stuck in such a situation, and very unhealthy for Winter.

We need to either move forward, or move on. I don't want a repeat of my parents' relationship, and neither does he. Which is why we are stuck. I don't want to continue if we are both unhappy (being the opposite of my mom), and he doesn't want to give up easily (also being the opposite of his parents).

[fuyunotamashii]

My favourite food is mochi.

[fuyunotamashii]

When you know yourself, you know the world, because there is a universe hidden deep within your soul.

[fuyunotamashii]

Be careful who you spend your time with, it either energises you or sucks you dry 🥲

[fuyunotamashii]

Day 2 at Penang, I got so frustrated and snapped at my mom in law over something really silly. At the moment when it happened, I kept trying to tell myself to calm down, that it didn’t matter in the long run but I was really suppressing my emotions so hard that I almost wanted to cry. It was ridiculous. Wanting to cry over something so incredibly silly that I shouldn’t even have made a fuss of, and should have just let go?

It was difficult. Afterwards, I apologised to both Wayne and my mom in law for the incident but I also kept berating myself, like if I didn’t have to lose my cool, I didn’t have to apologise.

I honestly need to change for the better. This isn’t the person I want to be.

[fuyunotamashii]

Journal while on holiday. I forgot where I read this, and the exact purpose of this advice- maybe something along the lines of noticing what aspects of the travel you loved and what you want implemented in your life.

Day 1 at Penang with the family and I’m noticing how I could really feel joy from giving to my loved ones and not just only focused on myself. It’s a trip that’s more for the family and for everyone being together and for the first time, I’m really feeling quite relaxed and happy about it. I’m not hung up on things that is just about me, me, me. I am also not that easily angry or irritated at small things. I just try to let it go and wash it over me.

I don’t take things personally. I wonder why I used to take it so personally? And also why I was so self cantered before. Relationships, connections and bonding is really what sparks joy in my life.

What additional goodness can I add into this world? It’s a beautiful thought and a great value as a guide in life.

[fuyunotamashii]

I am looking for a therapist. I want to talk to someone about how I feel, without burdening the person and without any worries/ judgement of repercussions. Basically, a stranger, but also someone who can guide me in the right direction. So yes, a therapist.

And what are my goals? A healthier mental state, to be a better person, a better mom, a better wife. A happier person.

What do I want to talk about? my anger issues, my triggers, my feelings about my mom, about Jeremy. about my new job and potential stress. about my dad. about wayne.

[fuyunotamashii]

Been suffering from guilt and remorse in the mornings from lots of unhealthy late nights, overeating and generally feeling rather unproductive about myself.

Not achieving much of my goals of fitness, weight loss, professional reading or Japanese studying 😩

Recently, it’s been because Wayne and I started binging True Detective, and I also started reading A Cruel God Reigns. Oh my god. I need to get back on track and not just waste my time like this

[fuyunotamashii]

I've decided I should take an advice I have heard a while ago, about improving writing or creativity. Basically masters like Neil Gaiman who write really well, actually write prolifically. They understand that the reservoirs of creativity actually lie deep in the well, and so to reach that inspiration, you need to first trash out all the crappy ideas. So the more you write, the more you get those shitty things outta your head, then the closer you get to the gold mine.

That's the essence of how it works.

At the same time, I also do want to practice what I have been preaching - improving writing and presentation skills. One of the ways I think I could get there.

So, here goes:

Have you ever felt it is tough to just drop something, but at the same time, while you are reading, you feel so frustrated and angry? It is not so much about sunk cost fallacy, but you kinda invested in the characters already and you want to see how stuff pans out. Even if halfway along the way, you get really frustrated with the same character and kinda feel like the victim deserves it? It is terrible of me to feel this way, but I find it so hard to relate to characters that I deem 'weak'. People that can't get themselves out of a tough situation. I can't relate to that at all. *why* should be my reflection. I don't think I am someone who is bad at empathy, but this Jeremy in A Cruel God Reigns kinda makes me wanna throttle him. I always felt like victims like him could just walk away from their suffering, do something about their situation, but why don't they? Their thought patterns become very illogical and it frustrates me. I guess that's what makes the story really realistic and believable as well. It is not a light or easy read at all. A bad time to be picking up something like this when I have so much to read, so much to do, and it's less than 2 weeks to my start at a new job :O

But that's what happens, always? This terrible procrastination habit of mine. I want to get over it.

[fuyunotamashii]

Frankly, I don’t need much.

I don’t need branded clothes. I just need them to have pockets

I don’t need the latest phone. I just internet access

I don’t need the biggest home. I just need it to be clean and safe

I don’t need a subscription to all the streaming channels. I just need a free library

[fuyunotamashii]

Interaction moments

If I were to breakdown the seconds, minutes, hours that I get to spend with my loved ones on a daily basis, it is really limited. The time I have with them is really just those few minutes, those few interactions, those few moments.

With such limited time together, do I really want to spend it being angry, being petty? Why don't I truly treasure this fleeting moments, and just show them how much they mean to me, really stop, put my phone away and listen. Look at them. Listen to them. Be in the moment. I don't have forever with them.

[fuyunotamashii]

This morning, this thought popped in my head that… I am actually envious of people who love working really hard and pour their heart and soul into it. It means that work is their hobby, and they really enjoy it. There are lots of ways to treat work, but if you believe in it and you enjoy it, then spending lots of time on it, is something that is worth it. It’s just like spending lots of time on a hobby. A real hobby, of creating and making something. Not just consuming and spending time (so no, just watching Netflix or just reading manga isn’t something I would call a hobby. Just my own warped definition)

And I so want to have hobbies that is about creation and making stuff. Be it music or language or drawing. That’s the kinda hobby I want to have.

[fuyunotamashii]

I forgot this for a while… but to me, the most exciting part of reading BL is the fact that many things have the potential to be subverted. Queer relationships have no concept of who should play the breadwinner, the one who takes care of the home, the main childcarer, the active/passive, the person who gives it/takes it- both parties technically are on ‘equal’ ground. And anything’s possible. I love the whole subversion of norms. I love it when societal expectations are always flipped and what’s normal is not.

And that’s why I don’t like reading BL that’s so conforming to a seme/uke role (which shoeboxes the characters into traditional heterosexual roles). Like a big manly tall seme and a feminine uke is so not what I want. Two feminine/ androgynous men or two strong working adults or the tall manly guy turning out to be the bottom/ falling apart in the smaller guy’s hands is a major turn on for me.

My hope is to compile all my thoughts on this and write an essay on my appreciation of BL.