fxckmierda

[fxckmierda]

Entry 006

Dated: 10/05/2024

I thought i wouldn't be here after that last post. But here I am.

Finally went to Niall Horan with my cousin. It was supposed to be my another late cousin but she is not around anymore so yeah. My parents were supposed to pick me and my cousin up but they were still 30 minutes away when i told them weeks, days before the concert to come at 9.30PM so we can eat after that, they freakin' left the house at 9.15 and have the audacity to wait for my useless older brother and his damn wife for the food. Why are people so useless.

On my way home, I was complaining to my cousin about my parents and I almost wanted to cry when I told her cause this wasn't the first time they did this and me thinking it's always an one time thing but it is always a two-times thing. Then she told me "You know I feel like your parents doesn't really care about you." you know I wasn't mad, I felt that way. Years after years how my parents treated me, i learnt to overly depend on them, I try to depend on myself unless i really need it. I guess that's how they feel. I'm always disappointed on how they handle things when it's me cause I'm just the one who wouldn't hold grunges, and the one who overreacts. Throughout the years, they never bothered to give me respect, and did not care how I feel. If they care about how my sister feels, how my brothers feel, why can't they understand mine? Things were going on my mind. It's funny but I have to accept the fact no one cares about me, even if I die right now, there is no problem. it's better for me anyway, everyone too.

I never knew what toxic yet loving household means. Then I understand. It's like your family is loving to you, but then make you feel like you're a problem and sees you as the one who give them a hard time when all you wanted was them to give you the same love as they give to the other children but my family doesn't understand.

Here i am crying again, and it's 12.20AM and i'm crying so badly. My last few posts has been about them. Why do I grow up in toxic yet loving family? I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.

Sad to say that no one cares if i die.

too tired to post more although i have more but I hope this will be the last post.

[fxckmierda]

Entry 005

Dated: 22/02/2024

One month after my last post.

This has been a shitty 2024, instead of ending the year, sometime i wonder if i should end it instead.

Last night took a turn, I guess. I can't find a new job, I can't find a stable relationship or someone who actually put me first. not even my own family.

This pain has been unbearable, many times I asked myself what if i end it instead? Of course, I do not have balls. Despite how I can be, I'm still scared of the afterlife. Being su!c!dal is a sin, and it wouldn't be good for me when I'm resting in eternity hell.

I tried to cut myself today but I started crying lmao cause the last time I did that, I was in a huge fight with my brother and I felt extremely alone cause no one gets me, even my family. They thought i was being difficult, and sensitive. It's so upsetting cause my parents put my older siblings first, and not me just because they took care of them financially and is "kind" to them. Would I be like this if they bother listen to me when I say something? Would I be like this if they stopped my sister from mentally abusing me and lead me to have anxiety as an adult? Would I be like this if my dad did not put us in financial problem and I would at least gotten a diploma? Would I be like this if depression did not get to me?

I always have a love-hate relationship with my family, i guess that's a part of being a middle child. I was never important for my parents especially my dad. He didn't care about me, all he care was my older siblings and then comparing how well they took care of him unlike me. It's never enough. My sister... ever since she got married, she doesn't care about me at all. Even when I pour out my difficulties, not even an "are you okay?"

I'm truly alone in this world, I got no one. Even if I do, i will just push them away. that's what I'm always good at it. I do deserve to be alone forever. No one wants me, even my family, and my parents. They don't say it but I know they feel that way. They do not feel that way with me. They do not love me as much as they love my older siblings cause all I do is get mad, cause anger, make problems and throw my tantrums,

I have been crying nonstop, i don't know how to stop and i tried so hard to fix myself but I can't. I don't think i will, i don't even want to continue living tbh. what's the point at this rate.

i do not want to continue living anymore. i want to sleep forever please. let me sleep forever please.

[fxckmierda]

Entry 004

Dated: 23/01/2024

Hey, it's me again. New year, new me.. I guess.

I think it's safe to say i'm depressed, i hate everything in my life, they said "Then change it." if only it was that easy. I felt very tied down in my house, although my family will very much disagree. The whole energy made me so exhausted, so, so, so exhausted. My mom has always made me her therapist, and it has been very overwhelming for me throughout these years. I know my mom cares about me but it's hard for me to think of myself. I know my mom has no one else but her kids to lean on, and I empathize with that but how about me? I wish I could get out from my house. I want to live on my life, I want to heal on my own, I want a carefree life, I want a mundane life, I want those stressed thoughts that only contains: "I forget to get grapes" or a "the bills are kinda high this month." I do not want to think about being around my.. family especially that problematic couple. I want that peace and quiet life. Even if it cause me to die alone in that lonely life, so be it. I'm okay with that. I just want to be left alone, and I'm not even asking for a million dollars or a jet plane.

I can't stand my brother and his wife. My brother's action is very questionable, i can't help but to wander his needs to help my dad is to really help him or gain my dad's trust more? Knowing him, it's not the latter. His wife is no better, she literally do not care about respecting her elders just because her husband helps them financially. What an utter bitch. Who would have thought someone I used to care could turned out to be the most vile creature in the world? I had never met someone like this. The last time I felt this way when i was in Secondary School. Sad that someone i used to see as a "sister" could turn out to be the most horrible person I ever met. I just hope she knows her damn place, and her lane so I would leave her the fuck alone cause all this bitch does is made my skin crawl out, and the most unthinkable thoughts.

I pray hard she and her husband wouldn't traumatize their poor son cause of their toxicity.

I have been thinking of my sister too. I get how she is exhausted to listen, and she got her own life but it's sad that she do not listen to my rants. It's sad when I have been telling her I have no one to lean on when it comes to this, and isn't it normal if I lean her a bit for this? Am i annoying? or just hard to understand. After what she treated me, this is the least she could do. All the time, she mentally abused me, throwing me that hot coffee, calling me names, going crazy on me when i took my stuff away from her. I was her punching bag all these fucking 28 years and yet my parents told me to understand her, and be patient cause that's fucking crazy cause what have I been doing throughout these years? Wasn't I patient? Wasn't I understanding? Her bad tantrums, her bad attitude, her constant bitching, her using me as a punching bag.. Was I patient? Was I understanding?

It sucks being the middle child, I literally feel like I'm a disposed child, my existence means nothing to them, and I never even asked to be here, I didn't. I hate living, I don't want to do this. I'm so tired, I'm very very tired. I can't do this anymore, I could feel extremely tired, I could feel myself crashing.

And Moon, god, Moon.

I feel sorry for him. He has been through a lot, and he really thought he got someone who gets him but this someone come from a lot of baggage, even with warning, he still wanted me by his side. Wonder if I was the childish one, the immature one. I wonder if Love was for me, I accepted that Love wasn't for me, and I'm okay with it. Cause of this, I do not feel attached to someone romantically. I do not feel that way with someone, I could only feel myself lying to the person I "love", and telling them I cherish them but all I think was lie to myself when I clearly do not care. Even if they leave, then alright, do not leave me stop you, and I wouldn't stop you either. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to show you that I "love" you, I'm very sure you will meet someone better than me. All I can think of Mire telling me, "you're the easiest to love, but you're a complicated one." Moon, if you ever see this, I'm sorry that you seen a horrible side of me, this is my ugly side, and something I am ashamed of people seeing.

But jokes on me, I'm alone so who's judging?

[fxckmierda]

Entry 003

Dated: 31/12/2022

The last day of 2022. Does it matter? I ask myself this. It is just a reminder that i am growing old, that's all. Fuck, what does it really matter? I hardly care about anything, everything. all i ever wanted to do is just bury myself with games and just live a normal everyday life.

…. You know that feeling when you have so many bad things in your brain and suddenly just one day, you just feel nothing? you don't cry, you don't feel extremely happy and the only thing, just maybe feel so much anger. I ask myself.. why do i feel this way? why am i so.. mad for no reason? This part of me feels so.. painful, so much anger. I used to have empath towards people but all i could feel is - "Why would I care about you? (when no one care about me?)" It's so funny that as the older I get, the colder my heart becomes, I hate everything but i'm calm about it. What's wrong with me?

Recently, I talked to Mire about how I felt lately. God knows how much I love her and bless her heart for trying her best but sometime I just wanted to be heard and it genuinely felt nice if someone address about my problem. Me becoming an asshole is the last thing I expected, and becoming this cold-hearted person make me feel extremely distaste feeling. Someone once said; If you become someone you wish you do not want to become shows you had enough. Silly me, I really expected a lot and I know for many years that I shouldn't expect so much for people. Yet I still do, what is wrong with me, I wonder. Hah.

I hardly cry lately, I do not know when was the last thing I cried. About 2 months or 3? For me, it's been a while. I used to feel sad when I feel empty but now? I just... feel like this is... what it is, I guess. HAH. You know what's the only thing that could make me cry? my ex. my domi. I ask myself what make me think of her every time I feel so much emotions? anger. sadness. nervous. even happiness. A part of me still believes we will be reunited again and yes, I am living in denial which is why.. i have so much issues being in a relationship i think. It's sad that she left although I wanted her to stay even though things ended. I was in a very dark place, as selfish I could be, I didn't want to let her go but I felt it was the right thing to do because of what she went through.. I didn't want her to go through it again. It's really really REALLY hard to love someone who's severe depressed. Domi, I really really want to talk to you so badly. You changed my whole life, you did made me love, i wasn't good enough for you. I really wasn't. I know the next person you will be with is going to be as amazing as you. I always want you to be happy even if it's not me.

Hey, it's almost 1st January 2023 in 35 minutes. I wasn't sure what was this post about but hoping to have someone to get me is forever lost so I will just say this to myself: I hope I will be okay without feeling empty.

[fxckmierda]

Entry 002

Dated: 01/10/2022

I feel like I need to be honest.

Isn't it funny that someone you dated for almost 8 months made you feel the world, made you feel every... fucking thing. I asked myself, "Why are you so fucked up and ruin something good in your life?"

Her, whom I called my love, my all, my Domi. God, I always ask myself God placing someone so special next to me, he either want me to have something good in my life, or he wanted her to have someone to ruined her. I remember Koala telling me I shouldn't blame myself for things like this when it happened, and I had no control about it and She's right, but it's easy to blame yourself than blame someone.

You know what's stupid? She was my safe haven, even all this year. Each time I was having a hard time, I am always thinking of her, I always think of her comforting me, that tone when I said I couldn't live anymore. She was my source of my energy, my all. Even.. all these years, she is still my safe haven. Funny how people told me to move on when it been years since we ended but how do I forget someone who gave me so much comfort and love when I was going through something so horrible that I thought I was numb?

Somehow.. I manage to get a reply from her. She asked me what is it that I want, she asked if... the reason why I came here is because I was lonely instead. When she said that, I.. was so heartbroken, imagine trying to get over her for a year and trying to get better from your mental health when people.. just leave. I guess I was the fool, who thought I could have closure with her. I couldn't blame her as I did broke her heart, and almost made her an.. unbearable person, I didn't want that for her, I didn't want my mental illness to rub on her, that's why i left. even despite that, I... I thought she would stay but I need to understand that I could never stop anyone.. from leaving because it's their choice.

Huh.. after saying all these, maybe that's why I feel numb.

[fxckmierda]

Entry 001

Dated: 01/10/2022

Horrible, horrible... and horrible. Today was horrible, but is it bad for me to give zero fucks about what my brother and his fiancée thinks? My parents and them might think I'm being heartless but nah, I have fucking limits, and people be testing me and taking advantages of me, I do not care if you're family or not, whatever I feel for you. I will treat you how I feel. Be it nice or not, I just can't deal with it. The amount of times.. I talked to them, and telling them not to be like this yet its still the same. People said they will changed but i highly doubt so. Its so... upsetting that you cared for them but them acting like this make you feel so done with whatever they're dealing. Starting to think if they know that their whole relationship are toxic af.

Anyway, I wanted to address something else, I guess. I remember telling my sister that I stopped caring about things, especially my family issues. I'm exhausted and I just want.. to sleep forever, and maybe be on my own. This feeling make me feel so numb about how I feel, and I honestly.. do not care about anything in this world. A part of me feels like I should just disappear out of thin air and not deal with any nonsense issue. And I didn't really care about... anything.

I started to notice in life, some people are meant to be alone, and it should be okay. It's okay if they don't see value in people who do not feel the same way. It's okay if you hate the ideal of having of soulmate who make you feel like you're destined to have someone. it's okay to withdraw from things that made you feel uncomfortable or sad. It's always okay, I tell myself.

A very dear friend of mine recently open up to me about her ex boyfriend giving her so much trauma to fall in love. How do I, who do not believe in love anymore could give her comforting words? People does need a listening ear but I didn't understand how to response to her. Just because I see how pointless love is, I shouldn't shove it to someone's throat, right?

Ending this post like this cause my brain is not functioning anymore stuff and i'm too exhausted to type more. I guess the reason i did this is because my therapist thinks its good to have a journal though writing wasn't my style so typing is.

So... writer out.

[fxckmierda]

[fxckmierda]

You've heard of cuddling for warmth, you've heard of cuddling to stop bad dreams, now get ready for: cuddling so you have sth to hold and don't curl up like a shrimp in the night making your chest hurt in the morning

[fxckmierda]

instagram | notestothewild

[fxckmierda]

To the first person I discovered true love,

"𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑚𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒."

God. I was so lucky to have you, I really was. Why did I push you away when I was at my lowest? It been 2 years, Domi… yet I still want you so badly.

A person like me, whom been in a lot of relationships did not understand the meaning of true love. I never felt more than enough love. You, who was a stranger appeared in front of me become my first true love. I never had love that made me feel like I was worth loving, and to receive so much love from you. You were made.. for me, I truly believe that. You took care of me even when I do not asked too, you wanted to know me so much even when you knew I'm a mess. I told you many times that I.. was not worth for your love but you reassured me and said I am. You felt insecure with me at times because of my past, and I understand that. Who wouldn't feel insecure with someone who have a dating history by having a lot of ex partners. do you remember how much I love Alina Baraz? Most of her songs are for you, I don't think I could give that to anyone I will ever date(d).

Even my bad days, you reassured me. Those days where I felt like dying, you called me right away and talked to me although you did not make sense, you were so.. 𝑠𝑜 scared to lose me, that trembling voice.. I was thinking, someone actually cares about me instead of making things about them. You make me so… so happy that I forget about my problems, I think I depend on you way too much where I forget how it felt to be alone with my thoughts.

As months passed by, I think you felt something more for me which you wanted it to be more than outside the world although we never talked about it, and I didn't even know about it. You were hurt when I said I do not see myself with anyone in the future, you felt sad because you wanted to be in the picture. It felt so unfair for you to ask me this when I, myself do not see myself in the future because I always feel my life is temporary, I always felt like.. I wouldn't be around for long because.. I'm depressed? ha-ha. I never understand how people can be truly happy and the only time I felt that way was when I was with you. I remember those days where you told me that we should move away from the busy cities, and just two of us living in a quiet, and isolated place until we grow old. it.. felt nice, it seems like something I really want it..

Deep down… I finally understands why I hesitate so much, I think.. I was afraid of that commitment you felt for me because despite what happen, I still choose my faith than my happiness although I did not lied about my feelings to you. Despite the unpleasant feeling you have for me, please know that I don't think I will ever stopped loving you, you will always be my first true love . I hope you understands that me wanting to talk to you.. makes the world to me as you were once my world.

I always asked myself if I was honest about how I felt, if only I tried harder to get better, if only I tried something to make you stay. You would have still been mine. Because of you, I do not understand the meaning of love anymore. I am simply giving myself to someone that needs something, and I'm there for them. if it ends, then it ends. I do not dwell on the past, heck… I do not think I even put my actual feelings in that world anymore. I felt like a tool to satisfy their loneliness as I am fine with it because… I do not think I believe in love anymore.

Take care of yourself, Domi. Always treat yourself good. The next person you're going be with... They will be much more better than your past lovers, even me.

[fxckmierda]

To the first person I wanted to be better for.

What a strange world when two broken people end up being good companions to lovers. Who would thought that two un-serious people would fall in love? you, who's heart were broke & me, who were afraid to fall in love again.

Those days where we talked, and just.. vibing were good times for me. The day you told me about your day, how happy you felt in school, those days where you talked to me about your friends with laughter, your family with annoyance tone and how much you missed your father with a very upset face. those late nights where we watched movies, and those lame musically videos on YouTube. I laughed so hard when I thought of that one night where your connection kept making you leave rabbit site.

You were good to me, you really were. But loving a depressed person is never easy, I always appreciated how you loved me despite how I can behave. Things I did was unforgiven, although you said you have moved on, and want us to start a new chapter as friends. I am… glad, really glad. but i felt like i should explain you properly although you heard most of it. I did felt you could do better, and I was very right. Feelings faded, and its normal though it was best to talked to you about it. I felt so…. so so 𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑒𝑙𝑦. I was craving for love that made me felt I was everything to someone else's eyes. I wanted more, I was greedy. I end up hurting you and it was horrible.

Things keep repeating for you, and I am sorry that you felt scared to fall in love. I do not know how to reassure you because no matter how much you give your love away, there will always be people taking it away with them, at the point where you were too afraid to love.

I'm sorry for everything. You did made me feel like I could be better for you. If only I was not a depressed piece of shit, you wouldn't be scared to fall in love & being taken care of very well.

Mire, you must be reading this now. I am happy that you talked to me, I never do things right but I always want to make sure that I'm here for you despite me floating my mind somewhere else. When I said we could always do something together, I really mean it.

[fxckmierda]

To the first person who went missing,

That world we met? It was a fucking mess, but meeting you was good and it made me smile when I think of you. How adorable you sound, you were excited at the smallest things. Cats made you so happy, you get excited seeing them. Those text I got from you when you got held back from your free time because you wanted to finish your project. And those times, I kept you accompany.

Then, 2 months later, you disappeared - 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑔𝑜? The last conversation I had was you saying "I want to see a therapist" You told me how unwell you felt, how empty you felt, how you wanted to disappear from this world. I encouraged you to see a therapist, making sure you have all the support you will ever need.

But you felt like it was best if you were gone, I said, "Don't, you still have me as long as you want." I remember that you were happy for having me by your side, and you did not felt lonely.

Were you lonely? People said it seems like I have an unrequited love for you, but I am sure it's not. It's me, caring for someone I loved wondering if they're even 𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒?

Ollie, if you see this, please take care of yourself. It was good to meet you & I am always hoping the best for you.

[fxckmierda]

To the first person I discovered '𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒'.

Who would have though that two opposite personalities could end up together? despite our differences, we got along well with our mutual love for coffee, random knowledge and even some mild music interest. How we end up together, how I remember those words you told me: those days when you said I was your world while you were the meteor that destroyed my world.

You mentally abused me, falsely accusing me on how I was 'pretending' for having feelings for you, and the fact you put your insecurities to me. You said it was your past that made you like this, you were sorry yet I forgive you because I was so afraid to lose you. Then, it became a habit for you to treated me so badly.

I did loved you so much just for you to treat me like this. we were together for 2 months. just 𝟸 𝑓𝑢𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑡ℎ𝑠. Even when I tried to move on from you, you kept pulling me in, those 2 months end up being another 1-2 month(s) for me. But why does it felt like years for me when we were together? Because of this relationship, I was so.. so afraid to let my weakness get to me, I was so afraid that doing things my future partner(s) think of me, I felt like I was stepping into broke glasses. You made me feel so insecure with what I could do.. love or even think of myself.

I was so glad that I woke up from that mentally abusive relationship, I was so glad I noticed how you treated me, and I was so glad that I did not want to do anything about you. So therefore, I am not sorry for ending things. I wouldn't even wish good times for you. I do not even want to wish it for you.

So, Ally, I just hope you will learn how to love the next person properly so they wouldn't have to suffered like me.

[fxckmierda]

To the first person I actually like,

Those days when I spent time together with you helped me to put my ease in my mind. The amount of times where you reassure me when I felt unloved in my life, you told me that I shouldn't give up. Our close friendship become two friends liking each other... but I remember you said that you were unable to be with me because we were at the same gender, that God wouldn't forgive us for acting on our feelings. I was hurt, but you were right. So I let it go.

Days became quiet, you were missing more than usual. I wonder what happen, but I understood that you were busy but I told myself it is okay, I will wait for you, hoping you will talk to me as usual. Then, I saw you with him, you... were so happy with him, you were somewhere with him that is why you went missing. that is why you choose to put a distant on me.

To the first person I actually like, Alya.

I am not sorry for removing you from my life. You were one of my most important person in my life and you used me for your loneliness when you missed your ex. I did not get a proper sorry, I did not even get a proper genuinely feelings from you. You seen me as someone that you could use your distractions from your unforgettable love from your ex when all I did was liked you.

I did not only lose a friend, I lost a sister too. if only you told me that you still cared for me as a friend. we would still be friends even now.

[fxckmierda]

[fxckmierda]

[fxckmierda]

Had a talk with a friend of mine about the issue I have been facing, it has been 2 years since we ended things. People who knew the story told me to talk to you, but is it a wise choice? what if i reopen the wounds you been trying to fix it for many months? what if i cause you to be on the downs again? what if me appearing make you feel like you can’t breath? is my existence bad? I wonder.

Ah, It’s my fault for ending things because I thought I was losing my mind, I wasn’t myself, I wanted space, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to end the feelings I had. Someone I love so much, I couldn’t bear to see you hurting so much because of me, and my toxic mind. I told myself, “he’s there, you should be glad.” but what did my brain told me? “you do not need anyone.” I think we both were around at the wrong time, and i felt that day, event.. or what so ever.. shouldn’t exist. maybe if i was mentally healthy, maybe if i wasn’t afraid so much, would we still be together? i always wonder about that every single day. Every single day, I still think about you, my love.

Perhaps I will always think of you.