fxsh-bone - Tumblr blog

[fxsh-bone]

the saying is "hurt people hurt people"

and i am sick and tired of being viscerally gutted

with every word of kindness i give.

hurt people hurt people

and i am done proving that wrong.

hurt people hurt people.

they will hurt.

the damage theyve dealt to me i will return tenfold.

hurt people hurt people

and its time for them to bleed.

[fxsh-bone]

me when ive been at rockbottom for months and it turns out the seasonal depression isn't so seasonal; i lose a majority of my energy, energy used to mask and put effort into being nice to people when they cross lines. no energy means no mask. means no remorse when i cut ties with someone, means happily stimming in public and shutting mfs down when they violate my boundaries with my voice, sum i never do bc its hard. as depressed as ive been, the combination of no energy plus no fucks, means ive been care fuckin free and ion feel bad about it

[fxsh-bone]

thoughts swirl and swirl, skewing perception of the world. under the influence of despair, drunk on the thought of leaving, nothing feels right. the world hates a mutual hatred and it wants for that to be known. one means nothing in comparison to the many, it says.

one means nothing. one less would mean nothing.

the cold metal drags across skin, sinking to the bottom of the tub, slipped from shaky, damp hands.

it's eerily quiet.

consciousness begins to flow in steady streams, dripping from fingertips, its echo bouncing off bathroom walls, falling on deaf ears.

who would even hear?

water turns to wine with the steady drip drip drop of life seeping, slowly but surely, uncertainty and doubt suddenly clouding vision.

maybe this was a mistake.

is it too late? who would find out? who would care?

it can't be too late. maybe this was a mistake.

panic sets in. sobriety crashes in suddenly and the world is clearer now. the world was wrong. one is just as important as the many, right?

this is a mistake.

no longer drunk on despair, perception no longer blurred by the crushing feeling of isolation, a heart begins to pound. the plug is pulled. water and wine, life and death, swirl together, whirlpooling down the drain in a tantalizing dance, mocking. but that doesn't stop it. the metal has taken too much. despair, isolation, fear, has taken too much.

it won't stop.

consciousness still flows. the drip drip drop still echoes. desperate hands grasp at tub walls, pulling soaked clothes and a shaking body onto cold tile.

oh god, why won't it stop?

strength seeps into the rug alongside the water and the wine. the dripping has stopped. but, puddles are beginning to form. the wine darkens until hands slip and body collapses. the world was wrong. the world lied.

it hurts. make it stop.

nothing was there to pierce the quiet panic. goodbyes had been sent prior. hands reach. hands shake.

someone..

hands fall. consciousness pools. eyes begin to close. heartbeat slows as panic grows, tearing at ribs, tightening around the throat.

please.. anyone..

panic chokes, cries of help cannot escape, cannot hit the ears of anyone.

the door. it's locked.

"please.."

"help..me."

body goes limp, eyes close, and panic ceases. there is nobody to feel it.

i was wrong. the world was wrong. i was lied to. is it too late for me? am i gone? am i dead?

i wished i was. but, i was wrong. yet, the process will begin again and again, over and over. maybe one day.

one day there will be no more.

one day, i will be no more.

eyes open. it's dark. hand reach, weak, shaking. a phone display reads 6:23am, October 18th, 2023.

i dont remember making it to bed. i dont remember cleaning the pools of crimson from the tile. i dont remember tucking myself into bed. i dont remember. i just have this stinging, shooting pain in my arm and the pounding headache to remind me.

i live.

im alive.

i am alive.

i failed.

im a failure.

today is the only day i am glad to be a failure.

i get up and get dressed, i have school soon. i ride the bus and walk to class. i text my boyfriend about my chemistry lab. i havent spoken all day. how can one speak, when one is too busy marvelling at survival?

[fxsh-bone]

very first post and its long as shit. here you go.

there's something really weird about not having friends. now ion mean this in a "oh im so lonely pity me" way i mean this in a "it feels like i actively choose this life and i want to share my observations" way. because, when you're with friends, you hardly observe anyone else. youre focused on those you love, those you want to talk to, yknow? you spend time with these people, building relationships, getting to know these select few very well. the world around you is infected by the people you love and that's not a bad thing. what a wonderful thing it is to have a world that reminds you of the ones you hold dear. yet, when you don't have friends. when there isnt someone to converse with at every lunch break, when you aren't widely known because your friends spread your presence amongst their friends, the world is. strange.

you learn to observe. you learn that a red haired girl spends every 2nd period at the library, tuesdays and thursdays, because you do too. you learn that a group of guys skip 1st period to have breakfast together every monday, and that they've noticed you skip 1st occasionally too. you learn that the guy who sits across from you in AP chem wanted to invite you into his band because he's been observing you, too. the cashiers at your usual gas station crack jokes with eachother because you refuse a bag and receipt every time they offer, because you work right next door and there's no point in it, and they know that. they wont ask "is that all for you?" anymore because they know you get the same thing all the time and the only time it changes, is if you're there with a coworker or sibling. the night shift cashier will compliment your hair every time you walk in because he knows you love to change it as often as you can, he knows you get bored easily. you learn all the cashiers names, though they only know you as "that guy" or "that one regular". you learn people find you intimidating, though you know that's the furthest from the truth. you watch people switch to the other side of the street to avoid passing you. you'll observe everyone and everything. you'll get to know everyone but nobody will get to know you.

but then nobody knows you. nobody invites you to breakfast. nobody waves to you across the yard. you have no-one. where other people turn excitedly to a best friend to tell them something unbelievable, you turn to empty space. there is nothing. there is nobody. you frequently find yourself alone. of course, you're okay with that. you're content in your own company and you know your worth doesnt amount to how many friends you have. but, its conflicting. you don't care about sitting alone at a table for two, you dont care about walking by yourself, you dont care that you have nobody to update about the minor things that excite you. but, you care about missing out. junior homecoming is soon and your boyfriend doesn't go to your school, he graduated already, and works the night of hoco. you don't have other friends to go with. you want to go, but you don't have an outfit, and you dont want to be asked if you're okay the whole night because thats when people realize youre alone. you'll be missing out. again. and you hear so much about how adults regretted not going to events and you fear you'll regret it, too.

it's like. you're okay with being alone, infact you prefer it in most cases. but you resent the feeling of loneliness that washes over you when you realize you don't have the connections that others do.

even at work! you used to be so close with so many of your coworkers. you've worked there so long you've seen people come and go, you've seen managers change, you've greeted and trained countless people. you got really close with one of the drivers. but the girl who did your interview, your shift manager, the girl who took you under her wing and called you her son, just quit for a better paying job. you bought her cupcakes and a cookie cake and wished her luck, hiding how badly you'll miss her. your boyfriend's last day working there was yesterday and he's at work at his better job. youre happy for him and you called him on his way to his first day, telling him it'll be okay and easing his nerves. you'll miss joking around with him. you'll miss seeing him almost every day. that driver you were close with dropped your friendship for a better one with the new shift manager. you're happy for him. they hang out all the time. now you're alone again. the new people either dont like you or know you don't like them. there's no opportunity for new connections. you feel like you just started working there. you didnt speak unless spoken to, you didnt make eye contact, you never asked for anything. those people you loved, the ones who are moving on to better things, got you out of your shell. now they're all gone. you don't have a reason to speak anymore.

the new shift wont know your name. the new CSRs will only know you by the callouts you give for orders. those working in the back hardly interact with you as is, now there's really no point in talking to you, you won't speak. you might have to train another person to work alongside you, to fill the role your boyfriend once had.

being alone is weird. its conflicting. its warm and familiar yet cold and isolating. you're okay with it while hating it at the same time.

idk guys tdlr; being alone is weird and i have alot of conflicting emotions.