fynnwillow

[fynnwillow]

Tongue-tied from Birth

The term tongue-tied (unable to speak due to shyness, embarrassment, or surprise), comes from a condition that people are born with where the tongue is connected to the bottom of your mouth so you can't stick your tongue out at all or very little. I was born with a tongue-tie.

The thing about tongue-ties is that about the time I was born babies with tongue-ties were dying from lack of nutrients because without a full working tongue it's hard to suck and swallow anything that you are consuming and most babies couldn't consume enough milk during feeding times.

My mother likes to remind me how she would stay up all night in a chair breastfeeding me every night until I started solid food. At some point I thought my mom was amazing for that. And I wasn't 100% wrong she was amazing for that but I felt super special. Knowing what I know now if I were my mother I would have taken me to the doctor about that. It's not normal for a baby to need to breast feed all night. And she should have known by then she'd already had my older sibling by then.

The tongue-tie didn't magically go away when I was put on solid food. Eating just got complicated in another way. Now I was finding that chewing was hard. But because I was a very young child I thought chewing was hard for everyone until the first time I choked. That's right. I couldn't chew properly or swallow correctly and none of us knew because my parents didn't see it as a problem yet. I also had a hard time drinking liquids so I was always dehydrated. Turns out tongues are very important.

After four years of constant choking at every meal and my father getting very good at children's Heimlich my parents finally took me to a doctor who was justifiably shocked I was still alive when he diagnosed me and suggested surgery for me. My first surgery at 5 years old.

When I was told that the reason for my food and drink related struggles would be going away I cried. I was so happy, excited and relieved. At that point in my life I was dreading every meal and never actually got to enjoy my food. I hated drinking liquids. My mother made arrangements for my surgery.

When the day came for my surgery I was scared. I never had surgery before and the hospital was big and empty and scary looking. But I was excited too because I knew after that day I would finally know what a full meal without choking would be like and What a giant gulf of liquid would feel like. Both my mother and father sat with me in the waiting area and then they called me back. My mom handed me off to the nurse, a very nice smiling woman. And after a minute of reassurance from the nurse my mother and father I was off to the operating room.

When we got there the nurse put me onto the chair and leaned me back. The doctor came in and sat down and he told me that it would feel like a nap and when I woke up my tongue would be free and a bit tender. He gave me a section of what flavor of sleeping gas I wanted. I picked the pink one because that was my favorite color back then not because of the flavor. I think the flavor was bubble gum. I actually never cared for the flavor of bubble gum. I don't remember if there was a flavor or not I think it was a way to keep me calm when they put the mask on me. It worked I remember being excited to try the gas and not caring about the giant plastic mask they put on my face. I just remember waking up with the surgery being done.

After care was fun for me. After a week or so of healing and pop cycles I had to exercise my tongue and that included sticking my tongue out. That meant at school too. Kids would get mad because I could stick my tongue out and they couldn't. They would tattle to my teacher who had to remind them that I had to for my surgery recovery. Sometimes I would stick my tongue out at those kids after the teacher told them about the surgery just to be a bit petty. Of course I was teasing them especially because it was usually one of three kids that weren't very nice to me before the surgery.

Another part of my aftercare after my tongue healed a bit was drinking out of a sippy cup and with straws. I had to learn to do all the things I didn't know how to do before. I didn't mind so much. I did mind being teased by my cousin when we would spend time at their place. My cousin was my same age and drinking from regular cups. I would just stick my tongue out at him and that seemed to even things out a bit.

I don't remember the first meal I was able to finish without choking on it but I am certain I loved it. Honestly it might be one of my favorite meals. So probably mac and cheese or something of that nature. I am certain that I was relieved.

[fynnwillow]

In the beginning I was named

I was born in a hospital that doesn't exist anymore. I'm not old though,I'm turning 34 this year. That's kind of just how life is. I was late and my mother has no hesitance to remind me any chance she gets. She says I came out perfect though which I suppose is supposed to be a good thing. Nothing like being put on a pedestal from day one. I kind of get it; When my sibling had their kid I also thought it was the most perfect thing in the world. My mom told me that when I was born I had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck so I came out purple.

Once I was born they slapped not just a long name on me but one consisting of four whole names; first name, two middle names, and my last name. I don't know how common it is but it was a pain in the butt memorizing my whole name and learning how to spell it. There were hyphens involved. Or not involved?

For the first few years of my life I was rather proud of my first name but to be honest I'm sure I was just emulating how proud of it my mother was. I even went so far as to make sure to correct people if they tried to give me a nickname. Its something I regret now especially because I can't get the people I grew up around to call me anything other than that name.

It's not a bad name I just don't think it fits me anymore or really ever did. I've tried so many times in my teens and as an adult to get people to call me something different but it doesn't work and even if it does it never sticks or the people who respect it eventually aren't in my life anymore. Then it's back to only that. I even still call myself that name. All the time. On accident or on purpose doesn't really matter. It feels like it's stuck on me like a curse.

I tried my middle name for a while and even that didn't work. Especially since most people read it and it's nickname and see it for the opposite gender that I am. They judge and wrinkle their noses. It's gender neutral. The only thing that changes the gender on the name is how you pronounce it. I never saw it as an issue. I like my middle name and the fact that it is inherently a gender neutral name was one of the things that I liked about it.

As an adult I still use my name for anything to do with the government or formal things. I have a hard time introducing myself with a name I prefer over mine I just feel like I'm lying to people.

Like; "Hello I am concealing my identity don't I look shady?"

Online is different. I've been able to convince myself that for my safety I am allowed to give a different name. Online I feel like my most authentic self.