gailventic

[gailventic]

Death

I almost died.

3 years ago I conquered my fear of the ocean by studying how to become a certified scuba diver. I did, and it was the proudest I've become. Being able to breathe under water with the help of tanks and equipment; swimming with creatures far beyond our lungs could reach, the serenity of the deep sea and quietness that it comes with truly feels surreal.

So, fast forward to 2025, I decided to make use of my Open Water Certification and dive again. This time around there wasn't anything I needed to conquer. I wasn't afraid anymore, I am well trained, and I'll be diving with the love my life. What could possibly go wrong? Or so I told myself. But I guess, the years of lapses triggered an incident that no divers would ever want to experience - and that is direct and abrupt ascend.

At 15 meters under water, I involuntarily ascended. I honestly loss control of my buoyancy, maybe because of panic or a malfunctioning BCD, but for some reason I couldn't get a hold of myself. I ascended straight to the surface. Without any warning, without anything to hold onto, and without any safety stop (which is a MUST to prevent Decompression Sickness). It felt like I was falling but in reverse - and right there and then, I knew I fucked up. I knew I could die. I knew this could be the end. And it was scary.

But, after a few moments, as I ascended and the distress calmed down - I began to felt peace. I began to appreciate the life that I lived, the places that I've been and the people that I loved - I felt a certain sense of contentment. I knew that if I were to die in that moment, I would be happy. A life that might not be as impactful, but a life well-lived. And this may sound absurd, but I never knew that I was ready to die - not until I faced death.

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The thing that I admire most in a person is bravery. Being brave entails strength, and strength - unfortunately isn’t innate. You have to train it, face it, feed it and eventually master it. Because what do you think comes second to bravery? Failure. And how pathetic it is to fail just because you’re a f*ckin coward.

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You know you’ve reached a certain point of maturity when the dopamine-fuelled bad decisions your younger self would usually yearn for finally give you the ick. I mean, dear self, why did you even enjoy doing that? Ew.

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CHAOS - That perfect chaos you describe might not be something you’ve truly left behind... Maybe, no matter how much you try to move on, it keeps beating in your head, like an echo that refuses to fade. And perhaps, deep down, it's because that whirlwind isn't something we want to forget, but something we wish to live over and over again, like an irresistible pull, because that's where everything made sense -

Who is this?

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I am sick and tired of pretending to be strong. Tonight, I break down.

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Georgia

This year I promised myself to explore more. Not that I haven't been doing that in 2024 - but I mean a lot more. So, for the first week of the year I decided to go on a solo trip to Tbilisi, Georgia. It's been a while that I did this - and I have to admit I was scared for a little bit. I was so used to the company of colleagues, family or friends whilst exploring an unknown territory that I had completely forgotten how liberating it is to explore solo.

It was 12 midnight when I asked my handy dandy ChatGPT for suggestions on where to go that is 1) Close to Doha and 2) Visa Free for Philippine Passports - and it listed Georgia as its top 1. Right there and then, without even researching where the hell is Georgia - I booked a flight. Next thing I knew, I was rummaging Georgian cuisine and emerging myself in Georgian culture.

What made my trip even more interesting was that I flew there on a Christmas eve. You see, Georgian people are predominantly Orthodox Christian and they celebrate Christmas every January (as opposed to the usual December 25th like the rest of the world). It's amazing I get to celebrate Christmas twice - and is even more amazing how subtle the differences of their tradition from my hometown.

All in all, Georgia will always have a special place in my wanderlust heart. It marks the beginning of a year full of novelty and exploration and in retrospect - the ending of a decade long of stupidity and mistakes that is my 20s.

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Evil

There are always two sides of the coin - one that is pragmatic, and one that is whimsical. And silly as it may sound, traversing both is tricky yet exciting. So why limit yourself with societal norms and boring corporate ladder if you could live unapologetically evil and free? That for me sounds about right than a pretentious saint praying for salvation that might never come. Because you see, this life, that some brainwashed devotees call a test, seems to me the be all and end all after all.

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Chaos

It's amusing how once a chaotic disposition can be tamed when the person is fed up. A whirlwind of this and that, a tug of war of heart and mind, and a childhood trauma all waiting to burst out. A chaos that was once killing from the inside, draining and feeding onto one's mind, self-destructing its way from fantasy to a reality. For I, amongst all the expats thrown into a jungle of the wild, have finally decided to detach myself from the chaos - or so I wish.

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Priority

And then one day, I snapped back to reality and discerned I have been prioritizing less of me.

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Rest

I realized how physical demanding my life currently is. Maybe because I effortlessly close all my rings every day due the nature of my job - or maybe because my health is somewhat deteriorating. Is it me, my age or my lifestyle? Nevertheless, my body is screaming for rest. A plea I could no longer ignore. A plea I could no longer endure.

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Pivot

2023 has been a pivot year for me. It broke me, made me realize that the world itself is full of cruelty. That nothing in life comes easy - and most often than not - we aren't really free. Free in a sense that we are bounded by the matrix, interlocked system of power and greed. I mean, sometimes I'd catch myself in a fleeting state of wander and travel - but underneath all those - I know deep inside that no one is there to save me.

Pivoting towards self-awareness made me keen of myself and the people around me. The unsung praises and unwritten rules I tend to ignore; the unspoken apologies and unheard judgement I tend to forego; and the unfinished business I cowardly escape cultivating merely nothing but ego.

But, believing in stoicism changed the game. I no longer succumb in negativity. No longer whine in dispute. And no longer crave for unsolicited attention. I tend to accept the fate I actively chose, own the mistakes I stupidly made, and always live in the present moment.

So, here's to celebrating another brand new year - another year of learning. And another year of living.

Thank you 2023, regardless of how beautifully fucked up you were to me.

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United Kingdom

So I spent the whole month traversing my way to and from United Kingdom. Not the usual London destination that I used to enjoy, but to a more far flung parts of it. Manchester, a quiet yet busy city, with friendly locals willing to assist us each and every time we get lost. Meeting friends inside a train isn't really a thing I would expect to experience - but I did. Birmingham, on the other hand, was completely a different story. I love how aesthetic all the buildings were, and how lively the Christmas spirit is. Munching my way through the streets in only my skirt, boots and 25 euro jacket isn't really ideal on a 4 degree weather. But, I felt cute. As touristy as I may look, I made sure to grasp and enjoy the moment. That, amongst the other perks of my job, is really what I came here for.

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Zombie

Yup, I'd rather take risks than to live a zombie-like existence.

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Small Win

As exciting as my new roster suggest, seeing unfamiliar airport codes and unexplored destinations, I think I finally made it. I mean, changing airlines isn't something I planned. But now that I'm here, I can't help but feel a little bit giddy inside. A small win only a few would recognize, already is a big milestone in my life. And this, compared to the many unprecedented and spontaneous decisions that I made, is definitely one for the books.

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Life

It took me almost 3 decades to realize how cruel the world is. Ironic how people tend to fight over money, yet the real treasure is rooted on how you make the most out of your tiny existence. I am so done tolerating disrespect. I am so done pointing fingers. And I am so done ravaging whatever is left after the chaos. I'd rather live in bliss, with complete harmony within myself - realizing the real treasure that everyone is so ready to kill over is life. So, instead of wishing you ill - I'd rather just say - get a life.

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Innocence

I'd like to believe that innocence to a certain degree saves the soul, but why does it feel like I am directly responsible for it all?

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Mediocrity

There is nothing worse that turns me off than a tiny glimpse of mediocrity.