gambitedge

[gambitedge]

I’m forever stunned at the many ways the world can gut punch my expectations. I’m surprised or lost in my life, more than I have ever hoped to be.

Everyday, I learn that I know less than ever before. The only basic principle I convince myself I can rely on is that I’m a good person.

Some who know me would disagree and might criticize me until they have no breath in their lungs. Others might simply talk about how cruel, selfish, and condescending I am.

The few close friends I have would more likely attest to how I want to think of myself and, ultimately, how I want to actually be.

Conflict is excruciatingly difficult in emotionally charged relationships. It’s difficult to navigate conflict normally, but when deep emotions are involved, it’s similar to lighting a match at the vent of a fuel tank.

Regardless of how painful or difficult it is to be wrong or to hurt someone tot care about, I always want to strive to respect the other and seek their benefit no matter how I feel.

By the way, I’m pretty certain there current tenuous situation I’m wading through is so mostly my fault, that I wish I could kick my own ass and repeat the last 2 years with new and better knowledge.

Truthfully, I don’t know if there is an exact reason for this fallout. I know I’ve contributed or responded in destructive ways. I want to do better. I keep straining to maintain integrity and kindness.

I’ll let you know how that goes once I figure out how to never make mistakes.

[gambitedge]

When I was younger, I believed the world had potential to turn out more promising than what I saw lived out. I know there are entire doldrums filled with the swarms hot air of the grieved and broken that have come before us.

Honestly, it’s a trope, a meme of absurdity. Those like me who believed abs yearned for a life worth experiencing against those that had already had enough time to witness some unseen force absolutely crush and obliterate any notion of positivity or hope in their lives. They were the ones that had been shoved into a gauntlet that no one asks for. If they survived long enough to be aware of the life they had prior to losing hope, they could at least recognize the disparity between what we dream and what we are eventually exposed to, as if it’s simply a sadistic game merely to break human spirit.

Now I’m not so self absorbed to believe that my life is bad, especially when I compare it to how much worse many others live through. But all the more reason to rage against breaking good spirits or just making the face of someone’s life into the spit-filled dirt.

So at this point it should be apparent that I feel disillusioned, as an understatement. I am, and I admit I’ve allowed some of myself to break off and decay. What’s left is scream spitting fury against whatever or whoever simply stands by watching, or worse benefits from the suffering and misfortune of others.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. What I feel is enough of the bone breaking misery to make me aware that my experience is merely a fraction of a fraction of how bad it gets for others.

My biggest discouragement is my inability to understand enough to do something, anything about it. I don’t mean 3rd grade social science projects or even university projects. What I mean is global, actual, factual, tangible change. Good people should have good things and healthy, trustworthy relationships.

What am I missing? Not the Bible as a rule book propaganda. We all know the majority of us who claim it end up shittier people than most. I know God. I know it swells beyond paper and stories passed down with thick societal influence and bias.

But despite my belief that God exists, I have to very heart filled and emphatically say, God, you are doing a shitty job, wtf?!

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this and I’m simply an echo chamber for myself. Either way, my heart screams in agony for the agony that others drudge through. I’m sorry.

[gambitedge]

The way I see the world may not be enjoyable or fun. Feel free to find something more applicable if desired.

My earliest memories built a world I struggled to understand. And at the same time, I knew I’d never understand. It was as if I witnessed conversations and life moments which were substantial in some ways to those involved; life-altering even.

But the closest I could place myself emotionally to these happenings could be understood through the feeling you might shiver deep throughout, slowly passing by an astronomical vehicle accident.

You can see faces of terror and fierce anger, but there can also be a destabilizing earthquake tearing down identity to these people.

Watch the lifeless eyes of the victims and suffering. One of those situations we are brother or sisters to, but the parts of me that I would have search for hope and direction

Now imagine you see such deep defeat that resignation is the sense of attachment we feel. We know it’s going to happen and pulls us under tide creating an unsurpassable talking decades from the hope we wring the life our

The feeling I get when trying to relate to the world, social groups, or even standard, that feeling can be described like a slow walk of hell, and I don’t even know if I’ll find any reprieve for this work. If I could run away without adult consequences, I would have done it long ago. Its so much better having someone who understands this to be able to walk along side.

I’m still lost in what feels like every way. This will change, but it will require commitment.

[gambitedge]

So I’m not old by any standard other than my kids’, and probably other small people, but the more I think I grow and think I learn, the more inadequate I feel.

In fact, I’m confident I know less than I did yesterday, so most of the things I think or say have very little to do with my strengths and almost everything to do with simply noticing patterns of what works and what doesn’t.

That in itself even is a stretch, because often, I am only successful at living out what doesn’t work. In complete transparency, I don’t view myself as a failure. I have made enough mistakes for the population of an entire state, but I can occasionally do some things right.

I guess my point with all of this is that you probably shouldn’t put too much weight into my thoughts or ideas. Either way, I can’t stop you from adulting your own choices, so carry on.

Some things I notice or observe at an almost subconscious level, subtle nuances that I wouldn’t be able to name or list, even if I recognized what I was seeing. Fortunately, I have my moments, and there are rare instances where I can help a friend or someone I care for to see their world in a new way.

After that point of being shown an alternate path, the responsibility wishes heaviest on the searcher to coming to and grow in the process of modifying their world is you choose.

Hopefully I don’t sound full of my own ego. This concept, topic, and conversations have run scenarios in my close circle of friends recently.

I always want to know that I’m helping even if it’s only a small amount. I feel seep meaning and purpose when I have the opportunity and privilege to offer new directions and insight that might allow this person to grow into areas of life and themselves that they beforehand had only fantasized able.

In my opinion, everyone has a unique skill combined with vision and character to contribute to amazing creation and impact in the world. Sometimes we get stuck in a drain spiral fighting against where we don’t want to be, in order to more closely fit ourselves into where our contribution matters most.

Most of us simply give up on anything big and risky despite the passion and skill that person has. I’ve fought against the safe route my whole life, but I still can spin on ice about what it is specifically I do well to have the largest contribution in improving life for others.

All of this is like thoughts about a dream where the dream was a movie about thinking. I want to find that ability for myself that both provides financially to survive, but more importantly feeds my desire to have unique positive impact in the lives of others, especially when they feel lost or hopeless to get out of the pit they feel in.

Practical hope negotiator. Respond with a comment if you have any thoughts or questions. Do you agree or disagree with my soapbox fairy tails? Let me know as I’d love to understand with anyone else what drives you or what hopes you have for your or your family’s lives.

Until next time, toodles.

[gambitedge]

Life becomes a different type of surreal in the face of illness and mortality.

And yes, it seems that despite any effort of my own to receive news like this gracefully was taxed beyond preparation in a way that tests my handle on what life is, the world, and truth as reality.

I think the only certainty in learning about how my body was failing in exotic textbook definition, was the dissociation perplexing reverberation I felt through and through, hinting to me that my previous world view was for the child I was up until yesterday.

Now at the point where I’ve had some weeks to absorb this truth of a definite end but indefinite timeline, I can’t say I’m any better off after than I was before or better before then knowing now in the after.

Maybe it’s because my body fails to perform as a normal adult human, but my motivation began and ended with requisite pleasantries lasting not further than the day I felt the obligation to venture into some meaningful understanding which would alter my perception of life and it’s frailty.

To be honest, some days leave me with no desire other than to escape the unending pain and discomfort. My energy (if it can be called energy), puffs out in a plume of sweat vapors and bitterness, thus not serving any productive or fruitful meaning.

I’m writing here because writing helps, even though it’s most often absorbed into the void of silence and nothingness. Maybe words of my pain and process could give another hope or comfort. At a minimum, I don’t want to leave behind a soul-sucking aura, bleeding willing victims dry.

One day at a time. I still want to work for myself on my own timelines and doing things that have meaning beyond $$$ in a bank account. I want to tell my story through a story in a game. Perspective is a lot of understanding, especially to new concepts previously unknown.