garymower

[garymower]

In order to stay with you I altered who I was and how I acted and then eventually resented you and couldn’t reverse it as if my life depended on it and with my rejection sensitivity dysmorphia and adhd facets and shame spirals I kept going through so much emotional executive dysfunction.

[garymower]

Will I ever be able to rest? I am a person with a lot of anxiety, need to move and need that energy brought into my life too.

I have always been able to break loose and be wild and now responsible. I know you’d have to get drunk to dance with me and never belt songs we both know in the car. That kind of seeing, the energy between us. I want the day to day showing up and friendship and responsibility, individuality, freedom, etc.

[garymower]

I have to remind myself that I need to be nice. And to remember to think of people as human and check myself

[garymower]

My job

My friends

Making new friends

Trying new things

Eating well and moderation

Exercise/moving my body

Preparing my own food

Sustainability and moderation

Community

[garymower]

I always thought it was me, or the person or thing that was the problem. Or self loathing that it was all me to a degree that sent me deeper into a depression causing more anxiety and isolation and rumination. A dark spiral that kept getting longer and longer. Thicker than a pencil shaving

[garymower]

I will leave old me behind. I am ready but only whence I say goodbye. Might not be my last drink but one for quite a while. I want to travel. Money is motivation to be able to do the things I love. WHICH IS ME HAHAHAHAH. And honesty towards others any myself. I’ll be right here.

Sunny day tomorrow. I did the things I used to do I didn’t have to but I wanted to commemorate my old self and let her die. Never forget her though

[garymower]

I. Have. To. Travel. I want to remember how much I enjoy it and love it and feel alive. Experiences. People. Me.

[garymower]

Idk some days I feel like I’m on my track and I’m good but when I feel lonely he resurfaces. But it’s not that simple. My need and desire is for exploration and experience and until I figure out what it is that I want I will let other people decide that for me.

[garymower]

I know Jake has his guard up and isn’t sharing with me for good reason so that makes it hard to know where he’s at. I’m being very codependent. Basing my needs off of his and having that dictate what I do or decide. I am now realizing that now.

[garymower]

Smelled like sewage but now more like compost per Jim

[garymower]

The smell of mushrooms through the backcountry of west boro? Pennsylvania.

[garymower]

I am going to be the best I can be and set aside who my mom is and who she is to me and just be me. I am not attached to her and I don’t need to let my mood depend on how she is. Ignore it? No but acknowledge it within myself and do what I need to do. I’ve got this. BOOM BABY

Gonna be 11 degrees in Philadelphia tonight. Just landed. Christmas lights from a plane is awesome. I took an edible and had a shot of jack Daniel’s. But really though Christmas lights from a plane is so cool but then I think about the energy we’re emitting and consuming and blah. Takes away the magic but was the magic manufactured by consumerism, television or white men? Help

[garymower]

Anxiety has always been with me and I never had enough wherewithal to know I can live more peacefully.

I am feeling hopeful yet somber?

[garymower]

I am aroused and stimulated by music and beautiful and nasty things alike.

I think I was trying to make Jake everything, my dreams, my support, my experiences and since Jake wasn’t all of those things to me of course it looked like he couldn’t and wasn’t. I wanted him to take care of my needs. I am afraid. I have lived most of my life being afraid but fearless in urgency or status, etc. I have been trusting in the world to give me the facts. I can know my own facts with whatever I know presently. I want to be fearless with Jake. Is it Jake? I want to have that soul connection so that we can always have something to come back to. I want to say I lost it but what exactly what it built on? My anxious attachment, unresolved trauma, adhd, substance abuse, fear based and fight or flighting, perfection bias, etcccccc. Did those things bring me here for a reason or am I finally seeing the light? Things are fine right now but adversity is one of my triggers.

I will sleep tonight maybe read

[garymower]

Hopelessness today wanting to hold on to comfort ability. What so wrong with that? Is he actually holding me back or am I holding myself back. Help I’m lost

[garymower]

Idk where I stand. Have I forgotten why I got to the place to separate from Jake, a little but I also feel lonely, depressed and lost and tired. Winter. Not a purpose besides staying alive and saving money and feeling empathy.

[garymower]

Fear management strategies: eating, substances, focusing on what’s wrong , present myself in a certain way so I don’t look bad (fear of abandonment, not in control) try to control others, aggression, judgement and lashing out.

When in fear body we are cut off from our he whole.