gdays

[gdays]

7/26/2022

In the clone wars show season 2 episode 13 there's a standoff between a bad dude, obi-wan, and obi-wan's pacifist boo thang (dutchess satine if mandalor). The bad dude says "who will strike first to kill me, branding themself a cold blooded killer?" From behind him, Anakin ignites his lightsaber thru thre guy's chest and kills the bad dude, the music rises, echoing the first few note of the darth vader theme music that plays whenever Vader is on screen on the movies.

The fucking foreshadowing to anakin becoming vader in the music plus the line just prior that brands him a "cold blooded killer" is just fantastic. It's really the little, purposeful links to the movies that make clone wars such a fantastic show in the star wars canon.

[gdays]

6/14/2022

Well it's been 3 months since I've posted here, but maybe I'll start again!

I broke up with gin about a month and a half ago, maybe 2. Things were getting worse and worse between us and I couldn't do it anymore. He was extremely toxic after the break up (grabbed my face to force me to kiss him, posted a ton of mean stuff about me, still continues to beg me to fuck him while also posting mean things about me, and more). I'm honestly just relieved that I'm single again! But today he emailed me(hes blocked everywhere else) saying he really wants to tell everyone all my secrets but that he wont. I feel like its gunna be blackmail for him to use to try to get me to come see him at his aunt's house. I really hope not.

Since the breakup, I had a brief fwb thing with this guy greg but it turned out he doesnt support black lives matter so I cut him off. I've also been sleeping with and seeing willem, the person me and gin had a 3 way with at one point, and I've become the fwb to mike and kim, the couple I met off whisper who are super cool. I'm in love with willem, I cant stop thinking about them and we actually do go out on dates and cuddle and stuff but we've talked about how we wanna take things really slow and not get into any serious kind of relationship so they dont know I love them and I'm gunna keep taking things slow and just treasuring any time I get with them. Willem lives in souix city so I drive up to visit them about once a week and I look forward to it so much every time.

I've realized I'm really liking this seeing multiple people thing so I think I'm gunna stop allowing myself to get into monogamous relationships and I'm going to be poly for good. I've always said I can either be poly or monogamous but I think monogamy isn't for me. I talked to willem about it and they said they dont want anything monogamous either, so if they do become my partner (I really really hope so) I've already had that talk with them about it!

I'm so so so happy now that im out of the relationship with gin. Of course I loved him and I do think about him/miss him from time to time, but the lack of toxicity in my life has been wonderful. I do what I want when I want and I dont have to answer to anyone. I am allowed to actually have private things that are only for me and that never happened when I was with gin. Like I dont feel obligated to tell my various partners about everything going on because some of it is just for me and i love that!! Plus I get so much alone time that I had craved when gin lived here. It's amazing.

I also recently had my left hand surgery for the carpel tunnel and my right hand is coming up at the end of the month. My left is finally not keeping me up all night, it's only the right one that does now, so I'm confident that after the second surgery I'll actually get a good nights sleep after all this time of having this damn carpet tunnel!

Im still at red lobster and I love it just as much as before. Im also going to metro for culinary school starting in september and I'm hoping that'll get me a better paying cooking job! I'd get to do what I love and make extra money, itll be so great if I can make it thru the school part! I really hope so honestly, it's only supposed to take 2 years if you go full time. This first semester I'm only taking 3 classes but after that I'm supposed to be on a full time schedule. I know mom and dad would still support me and still let me live here if I do end up needing to take longer than 2 years for culinary school tho, which is great. Oh and also they're not making me move out until I'm done with school so I'll be here for quite a while longer, but honestly I'm grateful. Moving is extremely stressful, plus if I went to school and had to work full time to try to make rent too I just know I'd end up quitting school due to the stress. So my parents are doing me a colossal favor by letting me stay until I'm out of school. I'm eternally grateful.

Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I should get them a big gift for letting me stay! I could start paying for a disney plus subscription that they can use and then maybe get something nice for them both separately too. I am absolutely gunna do that cuz I don't show them enough that I love them anyways.

Mady is nonbinary and using they or she for pronouns. They say they're officially done with Darius (they had gotten back together for a while) and she actually hasn't seen him for like a month now and shes seeing some other dudes, so maybe she really wont take d bag back! But I wont keep my hopes up on that. Them and Taylor moved in together but both are really struggling to make rent because they dont have jobs like mine where the paycheck is consistent since doordash doesnt give a regular pay to the drivers, they just make money based off of each delivery and it's not that much money compared to the insane gas prices right now ($4.80 a gallon today when I went to fill up). I'm worried for mady especially because she is planning on trying to live alone when their lease is up in a few months even tho she cant afford to live with a roommate. I hope she decides to come stay with us for a while before getting a new places because idk how she could afford it. I know this sounds bad, but I really hope they meet a nice rich man who will take care of them and let her be a stay at home mom like they've always wanted. Like that's been mady's dream since she was a kid and I think being a mom is the only passion they've ever really had so I hope it happens for them soon so that they dont have to keep struggling to hold a job when their autism already makes that extremely difficult.

Max is going to uno in the fall instead of Lincoln because he hates it there. I'm happy for him, I think more of his friends are here in Omaha so being here will be good for him I think.

Also 2 days ago the family got a new dog named ellie short for eloise 😁shes so fucking tiny, a little 10 year old maltese. Shes been sticking to her little dog bed since she got here, but she'll slowly warm up to us I believe.

[gdays]

3/24/2022

I cracked my phone when I hit myself in the face with the screen side instead of the plastic case side

[gdays]

3/24/2022

I cracked my phone when I hit myself in the face with the screen side instead of the plastic case side

[gdays]

3/7/2022

I feel a lot better today. I havent had any spirals and I've not been getting agitated with gin today. I really do love him with all my heart so I'm trying my very best to try to get over my insecurities so I can be a good partner to him all the time, not just when I feel okay.

Side note, 2 years ago today I had my first 3 way with 2 other afabs and I remember I didnt cum but I fucking felt like the king of the world just because of my toxic masculine idea that sexual accomplishment makes me more of a real man😂 when I'm not hating myself, being with gin makes me feel the same way, like I am the manest man in the world since I'm with this sexy seeeeeexxxxyyyy alt/goth/sometimes pastel goth afab guy. I feel more accomplished being with him then I did when I had that 3 way. But I do know that letting my self worth be based on sexual accomplishments is really bad because I want to think im valuable and good even if I'm not the best at sex. For some reason my sexual abilities have been the number one thing making me feel shitty lately so that's why this blog has been mostly about that lately.

I started watching malcom in the middle from the beginning because I'm almost done playing Mario odyssey and I know I'll be bored and sad when I do finish it. Gin and I also watched all of the ice age movies over the weekend (there's fucking 6 of them somehow?) And it was really nice spending so much time together without doing seperate activities like we do sometimes.

I was supposed to start working at DDCN after I left hands of heartland but I just ended up fumbling it because of my lack of motivation so now I'm trying to find another job. I've been applying at restaurants and call centers and more developmental disability places but I'm not sure what exactly I want to do. I really liked only working 3 days a week by doing those doubles but if I work at another dd place it'll probably be 5 nights a week of overnights and if I work at a restaurant or call center then I'd be working 5 days again most likely unless I just did a couple doubles at a restaurant then I bet I could bring it down to 3 days. We'll see what happens!

[gdays]

2/23/2022

Shut sucks

[gdays]

2/22/2022

It's a Tuesday and the date is all 2s. I don't know how to get better. I dont know how to stop feeling like I'm not good enough and that I'm bad at sex or at the least that me being sexual is just gross to gin. I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore. Like I feel like the ways I've changed since we met have made me an unsuitable partner but every time he says I'm wrong I think hes just lying to make me feel better. But I cant keep spiraling about this or he's never gunna be happy in our relationship again. Me doing this every day is really going to wear him down over time. I know it's already affected our sex life because I don't ever initiate anything anymore and I often say im not in the mood because I feel so bad that im not good at it

[gdays]

2/31/2022

I almost got out of the car to try to fight someone today because of my road rage and, upon further introspection, I think that it's because I'm so fucking insecure in my masculinity. I feel like I'm not man enough for gin and my brain says I need to start being tougher to try to compensate for me being bad at sex and for me being not a real man since I cry all the time and I dont have a dick and I'm not strong or tough or good at anything. I fully believe gin is a real man and Jake and eli and micah and all our other trans guy friends, but for some reason all those other trans dudes are definitely real men but I see myself as not man enough. I am so fucking worried that gin isn't attracted to me anymore and that he just chose me during a moment of temporary feelings that have since gone away because im not as confident anymore and I'm sure I'm not the man he thought I was. Things do seem different between us lately like with less affection so I could be right. But every single day I have these spirals and I'm sure it isn't helping him to keep feelings for me if I'm constantly asking him if he still likes me. Hes going to get sick of it so fast just like I did with destiny

[gdays]

02/15/2022

welp I told gin I'd try to stop being so fucking psycho so here I am trying to be normal. Please tell me how

[gdays]

2/15/2022

Maybe if I weren't fucking hugely enormous I wouldn't have such a hard time seeing what gin sees in me. Im DISGUSTING right now. Hes never said anything at all to make me feel this way, I just know deep down nobody could be attracted to this disgusting body

[gdays]

2/13/2022

I wish I really would've actually hit that tree hard and died 3 years ago because for some reason I just can't get my shit together. I lost any ounce of self confidence I used to have and I am just full of only insecurities. I don't like having anything sexual done to me anymore because I can only think about how gross I am and how gin must wish I were done already. I like doing sexual things to him still of course and I get turned on and everything but the second I feel turned on my mind switches and gets consumed with the fact that I'm not good at sex and I'm just there helping him masturbate pretty much since I cant actually do it well without toys helping. I can't look him in the eyes during it because I feel like he wishes I were someone else. Logically he'd leave if he weren't attracted to me right? But I am in my head convinced that he isn't into me whenever we fuck lately. Tbh sex used to be the only thing I had confidence in, but now I feel like I ain't shit and I don't turn him on and he doesn't really get any satisfaction. He'll masturbate next to me and cum way better then when I'm involved. I don't wanna even have sex anymore because I always feel so shitty about being bad at it. But if we stop he'll really DEFINITELY not be satisfied in this relationship, even more then he already is.

On top of that, these negative spirals are not helping the relationship at all. I keep having breakdowns or spirals or whatever because I get in my head about sex or about how I acted with the cops that one day or about him liking someone else and then it brings him down with me just like destiny did to me. And when I finally detected myself from her emotions so that I wouldn't feel bad too I fucking lost feelings. If he decided he cant handle feeling bad every day anymore because of me then he'll eventually just leave or stay with no feelings and then accidentally cheat when he meets someone better.

I wish I knew how to have confidence in myself and my looks and my sex skills but I don't. I think I found out that I had an overinflated ego about sex and that I thought I was better then I really was, and then the ego balloon popped after billy and now there's no confidence left at all. I dont know what to do anymore honestly.

[gdays]

1/9/2021

Tw:self, harm su**ide,

Well I ended up making gin feel like shit for doing something I gave him my explicit blessing to do. He did nothing wrong for messing around with billy, I just fucking made him feel so so guilty for it anyways. I came at him in a manipulative and upset way instead of pushing my emotions away before the conversation. Today still he has had no spoons because I made him feel like shit yesterday. He cried because he was so sad, and it's all on me. I wanna kms so fucking badly but I am keeping this to myself because I refuse to do any more manipulating of my sweet innocent fiance. He did nothing wrong.

I've started hitting my forehead with hard objects close to me and ive honestly got a giant lump on my forehead now. It's so embarrassing and stupid. It's just in my spiral I feel like I gotta punish myself for the shit I put gin through and im angry at my brain so I start hitting myself in the face. I have not told my therapist about this I dont think, but I will when I have my next session. Fuck everything sucks

[gdays]

1/9/2021

Tw:self, harm su**ide,

Well I ended up making gin feel like shit for doing something I gave him my explicit blessing to do. He did nothing wrong for messing around with billy, I just fucking made him feel so so guilty for it anyways. I came at him in a manipulative and upset way instead of pushing my emotions away before the conversation. Today still he has had no spoons because I made him feel like shit yesterday. He cried because he was so sad, and it's all on me. I wanna kms so fucking badly but I am keeping this to myself because I refuse to do any more manipulating of my sweet innocent fiance. He did nothing wrong.

I've started hitting my forehead with hard objects close to me and ive honestly got a giant lump on my forehead now. It's so embarrassing and stupid. It's just in my spiral I feel like I gotta punish myself for the shit I put gin through and im angry at my brain so I start hitting myself in the face. I have not told my therapist about this I dont think, but I will when I have my next session. Fuck everything sucks

[gdays]

1/8/2022

Me and mom and dad and mady and max are all in Florida and I made a giant mistake. I told gin I'd be fine with him fucking someone while I'm gone and so he had a guy Billy, over and they did stuff and now I hate myself. I'm so fucking dumb for thinking I was mature enough to handle gin sleeping with a guy without me present (I'm totally fine with it when I'm there). I do not blame him at all and I want to see if maybe I can change my thinking so that I don't have to tell him that im jealous before l actually bring it up. I just need to act fast if I want him to stop so that he doesn't have anyone else over while I'm gone.

[gdays]

12/30/21

I'm going to soak this discussion in one million apologies even tho I didnt do anything wrong at all and I'm just letting him know that he hurt my feelings

[gdays]

12/30/21

Gin manipulated me so much today to try to get me to stay home from work. The thing is, i already was going to call in and surprise him by picking him up but then when i pretended i was still going to work he said stuff like "I know you'd rather be at work than with me" and "you don't love me back, that's why you won't call in". I have never felt so afraid for the future of our relationship because he's never done stuff like that before. Now I have to shower and go get him and try to explain that I cannot be with someone who does those things so if he doesn't stop doing that, we can't stay together. I have been manipulated to the ends of the earth by my mom and destiny, I can't let it happen anymore. If I told my siblings about what he did today they'd literally tell me to leave him. Hiding my partner's actions from my siblings has always been the first sign that I'm in something unhealthy. Like I hid how destiny treated me when we were together cuz I knew mady would say that I should break up with her. I know when I say this to gin, he'll apologize, I'm just so fucking worried that I'm gunna wake up to find myself in another toxic relationship where gin manipulates me all the time. I will say that this is the only time I've felt like he was really really trying to manipulate me, it's just that if this becomes a pattern then I can't stay with him which would be devastating. It's still the healthiest relationship I've ever been in because we can talk this out and I know he'll apologize and feel bad about it.

[gdays]

12/23/21

Okay I'm acting like a jealous bitch again. Gin got a call from a friend that is super hot and I think (if I'm recalling correctly) gin used to have a crush on him and I keep feeling so jealous and crazy. There's no reason for me to be feeling like this but idk how to stop. I keep remembering how gin said he wasnt into me when we first met because of my long hair and how now my hair Is long again and he also said that before we met he was just looking for a bf like anyone who was nice to him he would've liked. So does he really like me or does he like that I'm nice and always available? I need to stop but I dont know how to get out of this spiral. How could he even be into me? I've seen my own body, I'm disgusting. Other than Rachel he has never dated a chunky person and most of his crushes are smaller looking people with jawlines. I wish I were somebody else.