ge-anne

[ge-anne]

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[ge-anne]

God is in this every story

I woke up this morning thinking of some of the stories I have had the privilege to hear this week. 

Some are sad. Some are joyous. Most are a mixed bag of ups and downs...of dreams and disappointments on repeat. A few are so tragic it is difficult to maintain my composure when I hear them.

I heard the popular Christian song playing in my mind: 

🎶"God in is this story. God is in the details" 🎶

I started thinking of how He has often been in my own story, but my recognition of Him has frequently only appeared in a far later chapter. 

This week, in Holy Communion at church, our elder presiding over the elements shared the story of Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son, Issac. His recounting touched me like never before. In my mind, I tried to picture offering up my children, and I simply could not conjure it. God the Father spoke this truth to me: "You don't have to because I did."

As a Christ-follower, I can easily lose the wonder, the AWE of God. 

That’s why we observe The Lord’s Supper (Holy Communion) as we fulfill Christ’s command to remember.

When I go through difficult days or when I experience difficulties, I often pray for God to reveal Himself in the moment so I can feel the comfort of His presence. 

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. I Peter 5:6-7

[ge-anne]

30 Years…

I accepted my first teaching job over the phone at a state park in Sparta, Tennessee. Our church was on a family picnic and there was a pay phone in the pavilion. It rang, and I was called to the phone where my mother informed me that I needed to return a phone call to the principal of Morrison Elementary School in my hometown of McMinnville.

I did return that call and I reported to work the following week…an 8th grade homeroom teacher without a classroom, without student desks, and without a clue.

The next 30 years have been such a ride! After teaching middle school in a K-8 rural school, I moved to an elementary position, where I would teach grades 2, 3, 4, and 5 over the next couple of decades. In 2003, I moved down to Georgia where they respected, trained, and paid teachers more and I fell in love with my profession. Who knew that professional learning and graduate school could light a learner’s heart and make that person an evangelist for learning?

In 2008, I earned my educational specialist degree in Technology in Education, my second instructional technology graduate degree and hoped to find a job in instructional technology. I loved my assignment as a computer lab teacher, but I wanted to show other teachers how to help students learn to use all these digital tools and platforms to show what they knew and to synthesize their research, thoughts, and artifacts of learning.

Instead, the USA hit a recession and I would end up back in the classroom for a couple of years. 

Somewhere in the years around 2010 or so I found something called “Twitter” and learned how to use that platform to learn from other teachers. 

In 2012, my assistant principal bopped over to my room and excitedly told me of this vision she had of me working in the school library. I barely listened to her go on about how the library practice was being reformed and changed into a place of leadership, learning, discovery, and support for ALL learners and for teachers. She said that as she listened, she kept seeing my face.

Unimpressed, I noted the conversation, but thought that she had some bad coffee or something. 

But, that conversation had planted a seed.

In 2014, I earned my certificate to practice as a school library media specialist. More importantly, I learned that I was no longer just a teacher; rather, I was now a servant leader. 

Leadership had never appealed to me. I don’t like having to correct people. I wear my emotions on my face and I take everything to heart. 

Servant leadership, however, had a great appeal to me. There was just one problem. 

I didn’t know how to serve.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family that resulted in my being neglected for much of the time, I had learned that I could change by mimicking the behavior of others. This I did with regard to servant leadership.

In 2014, I had the immense privilege of working for a great friend who was the principal of a small K-5 school. I would only work for him for one year, but I studied his ways and saw how he truly served his staff and how he used his gift of empathy to better serve his students and their families.

Moving on to the high school level and to my first official “instructional tech” gig, I was warmly greeted by both an administrator team and a mentor media specialist who took the time and effort to truly mentor me. That time helped me learn how to develop into a better educator through deep reflection.

For several years…from about 2012 until 2017, if I recall correctly, there was ONE district that I really wanted to work in. I followed their social media. I met their instructional tech team. I attended and participated in their EdCamp. This is where I REALLY wanted to work.

In May 2017, I got that golden opportunity.

For the last seven years, I have had the enormous privilege of serving this team, this community and these educators in the field of instructional technology and in the area of leading the amazing media specialists in the district.

I finally came home.

The last seven years have been the best years of my teaching career. They have also been some of the most challenging years for me personally. It was while working for this district that I received the diagnosis of my daughter’s Autism Spectrum Disorder. It was here that we (somehow) dealt with the COVID-19 pandemic and virtual learning. It was in my tenure here that I went through a devastating divorce. 

But…

It was also here that I gained an office big brother, mentor parents, amazing friends, a spiritual little brother and best friend, and…last year…quite unexpectedly…a husband who loves and adores both me and my daughter.

“#OneWhitfield forever” is the message our Superintendent wrote in his retirement card message to me.

Indeed.

So, today I leave behind three decades of work and passion and turn my face toward the path that God has chosen for me next.

Godspeed and may His face shine upon those of you still in the trenches!

[ge-anne]

Year 30...gray hair and still smiling!

[ge-anne]

Becoming…an ongoing process for all of us

My counselor sat across from me several weeks ago and his question hung in the air:

What emotions are you feeling as you head toward retirement? 

It’s a very fair question and one I have asked myself many times. 

I started teaching in 1994, after earning my Bachelor of Science degree at Tennessee Technological University the previous December. I had taken a semester off after getting married in my sophomore year of college and I had needed to complete a ton of remedial classes, due to my 6-year-stint in a church-school where I had fallen behind in Math, but had excelled at the other subjects.

Teachers in my school in the mid-nineties would speak fondly of the “good old days” of education and I, having been warned of these soul-sucking pessimists, would try to focus on the things I could change. Technology was in a great time of advancement and I was very interested in how technology could be used to help teachers work “smarter, not harder”. Technology in education would become my area of specialty, both informally and later, as my sole role in education.

Until 2021, I was very passionate about technology and went to many conferences, often where I was a presenter or panel member. I had even returned to podcasting as a tentative focus and was looking forward to my last few years of working as a digital learning specialist with complete optimism.

But, the Lord had other plans for me. I knew that He had called me into ministry, but I didn’t see a clear path into what He had in mind. I entered seminary, intending to earn a graduate-level certificate in pastoral care. My first class was “Diagnosing Mental Illness for Pastors”. (I remember joking reassuring my pastor at the time that it was FOR pastors, not OF!). The class went well and I found myself brushing up on APA format and looking forward to the next semester, but it just didn’t feel right to register for Spring 2022. I couldn’t articulate why, but my (then) husband didn’t question why. I just started making plans to attend the summer session.

In March, after a very serious and unexpected confrontation, he told me to leave and knowing that it was the right thing to do, I left, taking out a lease on a condo for one year.

The story of the next two years is completely a glorification of how God cares for His children and I have written about it elsewhere in this series. 

I started this school term with 5 more years to go until I would have earned the 30 years of retirement credit with my state retirement board. It’s my 30th year in education, but I had cashed out those years when I moved to Georgia in the early 2000’s. Buying those years back had been an option and I had bought several when the separation had occurred followed by the eventual divorce. 

I loved my job and my new work partner was fabulous. A follower of Christ as well, we’ve spent many hours discussing our faith and praying for one another. The day I closed on the house I’d started building the week before I met Domenick, she sent me a prayer via text. She’s been such a blessing.

For some months, I had been praying a big prayer: One I didn’t share with many people (though I did tell our discipleship pastor when we met over lunch last spring). I asked the Lord to provide the money to allow me to retire and serve Him full time. It was a complete prayer of faith, because it would mean He would need to provide a fairly large sum of money, but I recognized that He owns all things, and I found myself boldly asking Him for this opportunity.

On the way to a membership class at church, this prayer was answered and within 3 weeks or so, I had filed the necessary paperwork and sent in the financial obligation to retire in May. 

Right on time. 

Thanks and praise be to God!

My last day of work will be next Friday, May 31st. 

My next entry will reveal where He’s called me to learn and serve.

How do I feel? Thankful. Humbled. In Awe.

He is a good Father.

He can be trusted.

Those who seek Him will find Him, just like He said!

[ge-anne]

Becoming

I thought my life would never recover after my divorce. The time period after I moved from what had been “our” home and family structure and learned to be on my own again was full of anguish, heartache, the pain of rejection, and necessitated that I deal with some unbeknownst (and previously denied) issues in my own life: things like attachment issues, codependency, and people pleasing.

The Lord was good to me…sending people to walk beside me and to accompany me on this journey. In a matter of months, I had gained a deeper appreciation for those who “show up” as Christian brothers and sisters and was able to identify those who simply send well wishes and offer to pray, preferring not to see or deal with the discomfort of others. 

My closest friend during this time was a Christian brother whom I now call “LilBro”. His prayers, conversations, encouragement, and challenges when I needed them taught me that there ARE people whose word can be trusted. As our friendship formed into a kinship, there were so many teaching moments that the Holy Spirit used both to show me that God’s love surpassed the world’s love and that His people are often called to be His hands and feet in the lives of others. Bro became my teacher at times, and it was through this friendship that I learned healthy love and boundaries. 

My small group leader during this time was also a huge encouragement. A worshiper at heart, he would often send a song that God used in that exact moment to reach my broken or struggling heart. The other small group members were so compassionate and more than willing to step into this season of my life and walk beside me as I processed not only the grief of the moment, but the years lost to my delay in ending what had been a very toxic relationship.

Counseling also made a huge impact. My first counselor, who specialized in codependency and understood trauma was a wonderful mentor and through her work, I found my femininity again. This time, it no longer felt like a weakness, but a place of safety and a place of strength.

Returning to my home church was a process that took a few months. Church hurt is real and I had to allow the Lord to both convict and console me through the healing process that had to occur. I am thankful to have had pastors who met with me during this time and who helped me process my pain and fears, but who also showed me a path to reconciliation and affirmed the Lord’s work in my life.

Slowly, I am learning to release my need for control. God’s plan for me really IS better and more rich than anything I could have imagined. I was willing to settle for a life of single parenting in a Christian community, but He had already made a way for me to experience a full, healthy, and Godly marriage with a man who had lost his marriage due to his wife’s untimely death.

Trusting in an institution where I had clearly failed so many times before was also a process. Knowing that I must be radically dependent upon the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ is no longer a burden, but something I view as a privilege and an honor. I understand that as much as I need people, I, also, am needed. 

I started this series by sharing how the women’s ministry at our church, “The Becoming” had opened the door to healing for me. The Becoming has played a part in our group as well. One year after my first visit, I volunteered to help greet people at the December gathering as did some of the others in our small group. The “table talk” extended into chats in the hallway at church and more friends were made. 

As we planned the spring gathering, one of the women who had befriended me many years ago and I were asked to be speakers. What a joy to get to share our stories with one another and reminisce about how far the Lord had carried us over the past decade or more!

Our theme was on the trustworthiness of God. We both shared how in our darkest moments, we’d found faith and presence. When I shared how, in my pain and disappointment, I had sworn I would never return to some place, I smiled and mouthed the words “Like here!” as I pointed to the stage. But God! Then, I recognized the sound from the audience….They were clapping.

He. Loves. Us.

Loves you.

Loves me.

And He is the Great Shepherd who WILL leave the 99 to bring his lost, wandering, scared sheep home to the fold. 

Thanks be to God!

May God continue to bless our community and our lives to His service. May the world around us know we are His by the way we show His deep, deep love.

[ge-anne]

Our Becoming...Rooted in the Vine

Our Becoming...Rooted in the Vine

Around the first week in June, Domenick and I were “dating with intention” and had set a date that seemed reasonable to marry — Labor Day Weekend. Both of us agreed that we only wanted our spiritual tribe and closest family there, so we had a guest list of about 30 people in mind.

We continued counseling, discussed finances, oversaw the building of the house I had contracted the week before we met. Each day, Domenick earned a little more of my trust. He was completely transparent and humble. When we discussed finances, he admitted that he hadn’t taken care of those in his marriage to his late first wife, so I showed him my budget spreadsheet and explained how I had learned the hard way how to manage mine. One day in early June, I pulled my annual credit report and showed him how to do the same. When he did, he got a very unwanted surprise. 

In the handover of debts and payments that his children had helped him with, two obligations had been missed. They simply didn’t know about them or they had been overlooked. Either way, these debts were now overdue and affecting his credit score. They weren’t huge, but they were far more than we had planned for our budget. This house I was building was over $100.000 more than the one I had left behind in the divorce and even with the equity payout and a larger down payment, it would be a challenge to pay our bills and have any money left over each month. This newly discovered debt was a crisis.

I told Domenick that we’d need to attack this debt before we married. That it simply wasn’t wise for me to take on this amount, but that I didn’t want to end our relationship and I didn’t at all blame him for what amounted to an oversight in the middle of his family’s bereavement. I hurried off to my counseling appointment leaving him at the condo. I prayed fervently on the way there and that was the topic of discussion for that session. My counselor, a wise man who believes in the power of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of counsel and intention, asked me if this was a  “deal breaker”. I said that it wasn’t because I knew it was something that he’d take care of when he was able. I said that my biggest fear was that I would return to the condo to find him despondent and terrified that I would leave him over this.

I was right. 

Entering the condo, I found him sitting in his usual spot next to the bay window, looking small and scared. I walked over to him and asked him if he was afraid I would end things. He said that he was and then in a quiet voice he said, “I have taken care of it.”

Silence.

“Taken care of what?” I asked. 

“The debt. I have the money to cover it now. It’ll be gone within the week.”

“HOW?” I asked.  (By this time, we knew each other’s financial status completely. We’d taken the “intention” part of dating with intention very seriously and had left no stone unturned. I knew that he had no resources to cover this expense.

“I sold some things.” and he shared what he’d sold. Things that I knew he’d paid much for and had sold for less than they were worth, but he’d done it because he wanted to clear the way for our new life. 

In an hour, God had answered our prayer. 

It was then that I knew that this man was trustworthy and that he meant the words he said. His sacrifice for us, for our “family to be” was the final sign that I needed to know that he would be the husband who loved me like Christ loves His church. It was in those moments I knew I would marry him.

By mid-June, still spending each day together and ending our days on the phone making sure he made the 50-minute commute to his place, we agreed that our Labor Day weekend wedding seemed farther off than we’d initially anticipated.

We joked about getting married “next week”, while both of us couldn’t really figure out any benefit to waiting further. The house was scheduled to be completed at the end of July and school was starting for teachers a couple of days before that.

Elope? At 52? Why not? I kept trying to come up with some reason that it was a bad idea. 

Wednesday, June 21st found us at the courthouse applying for a marriage license. We’d arranged our two ministers the day before and one of my small group ladies (the one married to the Marine vet, of course!), one of the “walking friends” who is one of my mentors, and LilBro were all asked to gather at 5PM at the belvedere in the cemetery behind the condo. 

We were married in a gentle rainstorm, just steps away from the condo and on a hill overlooking the valley where our new house was being built. 

More to come!

[ge-anne]

My Becoming...becomes ours

The breakthrough that I had watched as the Lord freed Domenick was so similar to the experience that I had undergone many months earlier, at a conference called New Room. The Lord had performed a great work in me and freed me from chains I had carried for most of my life. 

The Lord certainly had my attention. I knew that He heals us for His glory…I knew that the healing He’d given Domenick was real, deep, and lasting. I could already see how his mannerisms had changed, how he had stopped trying to make himself so small and unnoticeable, and Domenick had reported that He really didn’t even feel like eating the way he had before.

I smiled to myself remembering and thanking God for those same demonstrations that He had given me in the fall of 2021 at New Room. I wondered aloud, “Lord, what are you up to?” and continued to pray for my new friend, who, despite his newfound deepened relationship with God had not been “healed” of his attraction to me. 

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that yet.

The following week, Domenick and I went out on a “date”, though it felt crazy to call it that when neither of us had been looking to date at all. He had previously told me that he and his first wife had dated only briefly before they married in 1991. Marriage was not something I had experienced success with and I was pretty skeptical and patronizing, still thinking that perhaps I was only in Domenick’s life for a season, rather than a profound reason.

As we continued to get to know one another, he made it clear that he wished to “date me with the intention to marry”. 

What?!?! Oh my…time to call the small group gals together again.

So, I did. None of them seemed concerned at all. I tried and tried to sound the alarm and pulled out every objection I could to accepting this man into my life in such a way. One precious sister declared that, because he was a Marine Corp Veteran, that I should just accept my fate because “If he’s picked you, he’s not going to go away!” (Full disclosure, she’s married to one!). I hated how her eyes twinkled when she said it.

Another small group member looked straight at me, nonchalantly stating, “Y’all are going to get married.” as she returned to her previous conversation.

Another, “Didn’t you say that you trust the Lord with your future? You prayed that He would help you be a good mom and that you would have the support you need for her. Maybe he’s it!” 

Whippersnappers. All but one of these women were younger than me and they were ALL clearly more gullible!

So…what could I do? I asked if they wanted to meet him….They said, “Yes!” and the following Thursday night found him sitting in my living room, King James Bible open and ready to discuss! 

Clearly, the date had gone well and we were comfortable with one another…but we’d only known each other a handful of DAYS!

Smirks were passed around as these precious women could clearly see what I wanted to run from and deny – The Lord had a plan for both of our lives. 

I needed these women. I truly did. They taught me how to trust and pray. They showed up and taught me how to receive love. Their faith was stronger than mine and they were willing to speak truth about the Lord’s timing and how I was trying to control the blessing that God had clearly sent me.

So, we moved into this courtship and the Lord continued to work things out in the ways only He can. We worked hard to submit to much counsel as Domenick attended GriefShare and I continued with DivorceCare. 

We went to counseling. Domenick for the first time ever and I continued mine. We approached a precious elder at church who, along with his wife, invited us to his home and heard the story of their courtship and marriage, along with the challenges with their grown children’s acceptance of their decision. 

Still, I worried. Should I give way to my psychology knowledge or should I live out my theology. I binge-listened to “Therapy and Theology” by Lisa TerKeurst. I visited with my ministry mentor. My spiritual younger brother demanded (and got!) a “talk” with this suitor. 

Spring turned to summer break (a time of “Hallelujah!” for teachers!). Domenick’s old pickup truck was outside my condo door many mornings when I woke up and started the coffee. Nika adored him and asked if he would be there in the morning when we went to her special needs summer camp. True to his word, he arrived each day to get her on the bus. We spent each day together and much time in prayer and seeking to grow spiritually. I attended my small group and he attended a men’s group to get to know some of the men at our church.

Nika had declared her love for Domenick the very first day she met him. In a completely non-typical fashion, she’d walked into the kitchen where Domenick was standing at the counter, maybe pouring a cup of coffee, but I can’t recall exactly. She walked over to him and gave him a side hug, quickly said “I love you” and walked back to her room. He froze. I looked at him mystified. Nika usually takes days to warm up to someone and she’d only known him a few hours.

Anxiety is a huge obstacle for many who have ASD and Nika is still learning to regulate her emotions. Those days were sometimes very volatile. Because I was single, when she needed my attention, it was all on me to figure out the trigger for her anxiety and either remove it, explain it, or help her work through it. If I couldn’t achieve this successfully or in time before panic set in, a meltdown would occur. Meltdowns were no obstacle for this patient, loving giant of a man. He knew how to de-escalate Nika’s emotional outbursts better than I did! I called him the “Nika Whisperer” and started watching and learning from him how to better help her..

Learning to trust a man who was not in any way manipulative or controlling was a process for me. I feared speaking my mind. He asked me to do so freely and shared with me the consequence that would occur if I didn’t. He taught me to begin to trust – a journey that continues.

On Memorial Day weekend in May, after banishing Domenick to another campus of our church (so I could seek the Lord and not feel pressured in any way), for a couple of months, we started attending church together. Each week, he would make sure Nika was attended to, leaving me free to serve as a door greeter or in some other capacity without having to arrange care.

I read the story of Ruth and Boaz and remembered the half-joke I had made months earlier, “I need a Boaz…”

We weren’t “kin”, but it felt like we were. Both from Appalachia, we discovered so many things we had in common. From the day I had first spent time with Domenick, I had felt safe and completely at ease. I had noted to my best friend who’s much more like my little brother, “I don’t code-switch with him. Ever. I can totally be myself around him, even more than with you!” That was quite a statement, because “lil bro”, as I call him, had seen me cry uncontrollably, knew what I looked like without makeup, and was the closest friend I had ever had.

Even he couldn’t find a reason for me not to accept this amazing man who had walked into my life. Already, I couldn’t remember life before Domenick, but I still wasn’t sure that meant I was destined for life WITH him. I didn’t trust my judgment.

So, I asked God to show me.  Next time, I will share how He did just that!

[ge-anne]

My Becoming...leads to another’s

Still on a spiritual high from the awe-filled  communion with the small group and how we felt the Holy Spirit move, I excitedly shared how the group went as I talked to Domenick, my new friend. He seemed genuinely interested. Over our previous conversations, we had shared much about our respective faith journeys and the struggles we had each endured with my divorce and his bereavement after losing his wife after 31 plus years of marriage. 

For the first time, Domenick had called using FaceTime, not something we  had done before. He gave me a tour of his home and I showed him the condo (including the empty coffee cups from small group!). I found myself asking God what His purpose was here in my life. How was I supposed to help this man who had lost so much? Holy Spirit, please show me what to do!

We’d become friends over the past week, talking often on the phone and were comfortable sharing the details of our lives as we had opportunity. I knew by this time that he was interested in me, but I had grave reservations about getting involved with anyone — especially so soon after such a each of us had suffered such significant loss. I was keenly aware of the human tendency to fill the void of loss quickly and not at all ignorant of the fact that the choice to do so often clouds both judgment and reason. I had, so far, deflected his interest and counted him as a friend and brother that God had sent my way to encourage and pray for in a time of need.

As we talked about the loss of his wife, he shared their story with me. The details were both touching and heartbreaking. They’d had a good marriage, despite many hardships and much tragedy. It was clear that he had taken his responsibilities very seriously and that, despite his best efforts, he hadn’t always been what he knew he should have. His humility was evident, as was the heavy weight of grief he was carrying. 

I knew that Domenick and his wife had lost a school-aged son and that the grief had been overwhelming…During this call, I saw his face change as he shared the pain that losing his beloved wife had caused and how that, stacked on the pain of having lost his firstborn son the grief was crushing him. I had no words for him, but I do remember saying with some urgency, “Domenick, talk to the Father. Right now! Pray and tell him all the things you feel, the fears you have. All of it!”

He began to pray.

Immediately, I began to pray silently as Domenick poured out His lament to our Father in heaven. Daring not to break the spell, I kept a watchful silence until, many moments later, I saw him wipe his face and take a deep breath. He looked straight into the phone and said, “I can breathe again!”.

For 24 years, this man had honored a vow he’d made to never cry again. A vow he’d made in the darkest place of grief as he laid his son to rest, knowing that this pain could not be topped by any other. He’d held in that pain and anguish since that day in 1999. 

I had the holy honor of watching the Lord lift that heavy, stifling burden off of him.

Thanks be to God!

There’s more to come!

[ge-anne]

My Becoming...belonging

Week 3 found our newly-formed small group gathered again and I think I will remember that night forever. We shared our hearts and our lives. We prayed earnestly and we felt deeply the presence of the Holy Spirit. I shared a little bit about my new teacher friend, a widowed Marine Corp veteran (who had called a few times by then) and told the ladies that we’d met the day before to talk. I asked them to help me pray about the house, the guy, and to hold me accountable as the next steps unfolded. 

The question kept burning in my heart: “Lord, what in the world are you up to?” I shared, as they did, about the ways He was working in our respective lives. These ladies were teaching me to belong – not to wonder if I did – rather, to live fully in the fact that I belong to Jesus. WE belong to Jesus and we are family. I had every right to be amongst them and not only to be there, but to use the gifts that our Father had given me to do His work.

That took a while to sink in… If I am honest, it’s still sinking in. Who can fathom the grace and mercy of our Father, who loves His children and who longs to capture their heart and full affection?

While we were meeting in front of the bay window, I saw three other women from church walking past. As they looked in and smiled, I explained that they were also Rock Bridge women and that my daughter called them “the walking friends”. 

These ladies, too, were instruments of His goodness. 

A few weeks earlier, my 52nd birthday had rolled around – my first as a single woman. I had gamely asked an old friend to join me for dinner as I tried to find my “new normal”. I came home from work to change and get ready to meet him and was shocked to see my front stoop covered in gifts, flowers, and envelopes. The walking friends had blessed me for my birthday.

Me! The gal who never connected with women. 

Who didn’t like women…

Just a few days later (close to the first small group meeting), I had opened the garage door to leave to meet with the home developer for the first time…

The walking friends were passing by and stopped to say hello….When I told them where I was headed, they circled round me and prayed, right there on the sidewalk, calling down heaven to provide a safe, comfortable home for me and Nika. 

Could these women be more of a blessing? 

Sharing all of these events and my complete wonder and amazing that I was finding myself enjoying getting to know (and trust) these women of God, we started to share our prayer needs and close the meeting. Again, I watched as these ladies shared their own  lives and their struggles and successes with one another. We encouraged each other to take steps of faith and to trust. 

When we closed our meeting that night, no one wanted to leave yet. In quiet reverence we all meandered down the dead-end street to watch the gorgeous sunset settle over our small town. We were basking in the holy presence of God. We all felt like He was so very near…

As I waved a reluctant goodbye to these newfound sisters in Christ, who were becoming friends, my phone rang. It was my teacher friend!

God wasn’t finished with me that night!

More tomorrow!

[ge-anne]

The Becoming of me...as a sister

Our first small group met on Thursday, March 16th. I was rushing to get back to the condo I rented after a meeting with a builder where I was hoping to sign the papers to build a house.

Lord, what are you doing?, I thought. I am not sure about being able to afford this house, and what in the world am *I* going to have to say to this group of women – several of whom I don’t even know?!

I don’t remember how the meeting at the builder went that day, but I do know that right away, I was comfortable meeting with these ladies gathered in my small living room, in front of the bay window of my rented condo. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would do the work that I could not do and that God would change me and allow me to be of some use or encouragement to these women.

We met, shared, read scripture, discussed the sermon and prayed. They went home and somehow, most of them showed up the next week! 

I noticed in our second gathering that there was a rapport already, and I dared not interfere. I watched in awe as these ladies shared across the room and encouraged one another. I was glad for this, because I had something on my mind…something I wasn’t quite ready to share. She listened intently, advised me, and continued to check in over the course of the week. 

We had conversations about how we wanted to go deeper into our respective walks with Christ, praying that He would lead us and continue to form us in His image and use us for His service. 

I started singing on the worship team again…The former woman who was bitter and cynical long gone and a joyful, grateful, and restored woman stood on stage worshiping with spiritual siblings who were seeking Him as well. 

Connected to a body that I felt unworthy to join. Accepted as a full member of the house of the Lord in spite of my shortcomings and former bitterness.

Between that second small group meeting and the third, I found myself looking for the small group members at each church service, genuinely wondering how they were doing, and still mystified at how this had all come to be.

The Holy Spirit is such a patient, insistent, and yet gentle Guide…These ladies showed up week after week. It was a good thing…because I would need them for the next few months in a very serious way!

More to come!

[ge-anne]

The Becoming - Musings on a Ministry

In December of 2022, I (very hesitantly) attended a women’s gathering, called the Becoming at my church. The name might even be what drew me to finally decide to register and attend. (Well, no…now that I think of it, one of my spiritual mentors who had also recently started attending worship services with me wanted to go and I was afraid that I would be a bad example if I didn’t!)

On that December morning, I had stumbled in after the most traumatic nine months of my life. My husband and I had separated in March. It had been a last-ditch effort to address some serious issues in our home that were affecting our daughter. Sadly, the reconciliation didn’t come, despite much prayer and earnest effort. I had learned to Become a new version of the old me. It had not been easy or fun, but God had met me in that dark, terrifying place and I wanted to continue to let Him form me into what HE wanted.

So, despite years of avoiding women’s events and trying not to engage, I walked in and found a seat in the very back…

Kristen West, one of our church leaders, was the speaker and I hung on her every word. I felt compelled to reach out and ask to meet with her and she graciously agreed.

Bit by bit, over the coming months, the Lord chipped away at this very tender place of hurt in my soul. I didn’t feel comfortable around women. I had always been this way. My friends had always been male and I avoided getting close to most women. There was a “type” of woman that I could find myself opening up to, but most women intimidated me to the point where I would go to great lengths to avoid them.

I had some becoming to do!

Mentioning this to my therapist, she helped me explore how I viewed myself and what womanhood had meant to me. I honestly cannot pinpoint any breakthrough moment of revelation, but over the next few months, I found myself less anxious about opening up and serving alongside other women. These experiences were slowly building my trust and confidence.

By March, I was transitioning a Christian fellowship meeting I had been having in my home to an official church small group. We have a directory of those and word went out that we were launching. Every few days, I would get a notification that someone was interested. I had pointedly decided NOT to label this group as a “women’s group” in order to be open to anyone who was looking for a place to meet, discuss and pray. On the Wednesday previous to our launch, seven WOMEN had expressed that they would attend.

Women! ALL women! 

What in the world was I going to do with these ladies. I didn’t like working with women. 

My loving Father had some big plans for me…and for us.

Stay tuned!

[ge-anne]

Wesley Prayer (Come Like A Fire Live) - Mark Swayze - Live At Harvest

[ge-anne]

Epiphany Sunday Reflections

Being a fairly recent student of John Wesley's teachings, I have only celebrated Epiphany Sunday a few times and until 2019, it was not even a term I was familiar with. I knew the word epiphany, of course, but not the special Sunday. For those of you who like to read definitions, Merriam-Webster serves up the following:

From Merriam-Webster

Essential Meaning of epiphany

1: a Christian festival held on January 6 in honor of the coming of the three kings to the infant Jesus Christ

2: a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way

Seeing her father again when she was an adult was an epiphany that changed her whole view of her childhood.

She experienced an epiphany.

I started thinking of how, no matter how long I am a disciple of Jesus, there's always more to learn about Him and from His teachings. Since I was a child, I have noticed and even studied the ways that people practice their individual walks of faith, so I was delighted to read an article by Steve Seamands that outlines what John Wesley calls the Means of Grace.

How can we, like the Wise Men, see Jesus in a new way?

Wesley’s Means of Grace (an old way that is new again)

1. Prayer

(both public and private) Wesley called it “the grand means of drawing near to God.”

Scripture gives us examples, Here are a few:

A. The Model Prayer

Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come. Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors.

And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

B. Pray without Ceasing

1 Thes. 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

C. Pray boldly Heb. 4:16 (NKJV)

2. Searching Scripture

Hebrews 4:11-13 (NKJV)

Regular reading

Study

Meditation on the Word

Putting it into practice

Hearing it preached and taught

3. Participating in the Lord’s Supper

Luke 24:30-35 (HCSB)

32 So they said to each other, “Weren’t our hearts ablaze within us while He was talking with us on the road and explaining the Scriptures to us?” 33 That very hour they got up and returned to Jerusalem. They found the Eleven and those with them gathered together, 34 who said, “The Lord has certainly been raised, and has appeared to Simon!” 35 Then they began to describe what had happened on the road and how He was made known to them in the breaking of the bread.

1 Corinthians 11:23-26 (HCSB)

23 For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: On the night when He was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took bread, 24 gave thanks, broke it, and said, “This is My body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of Me.” 25 In the same way, after supper He also took the cup and said, “This cup is the new covenant established by My blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” 26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until He comes.

4. Fasting

Perhaps the least-practice spiritual discipline in our day (in the USA). The purpose is to focus more fully on the Lord (supposing that when the urge to do the thing one is fasting from, one chooses to focus upon Him.) I experienced a kind of natural fast for several days following a very powerful encounter with the Lord and hope to continue this practice as I learn more about it.

Fasting should be done in private without fanfare and the act of fasting can be in the form of abstaining from a number of things: meat, activities, alcohol, social media, etc.

Lent is often a time that we see fasting practiced.

Fasting can be done to address special needs (church, personal, on another’s behalf) or as an ongoing devotional act.

Matthew 6:16-18 (HCSB)

How to Fast

16 “Whenever you fast, don’t be sad-faced like the hypocrites. For they make their faces unattractive so their fasting is obvious to people. I assure you: They’ve got their reward! 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head, and wash your face, 18 so that you don’t show your fasting to people but to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

5. Gathering

Christian gathering can be with a few other Christians for fellowship, accountability, study, and prayer”

Matt. 18:20

20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there among them.”

Heb. 10:19-25

Exhortations to Godliness

19 Therefore, brothers, since we have boldness to enter the sanctuary through the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way He has opened for us through the curtain (that is, His flesh), 21 and since we have a great high priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water. 23 Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. 24 And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, 25 not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

Reflection

What do I need to do to see Jesus more clearly this year? Holy Spirit, please lead us to a deeper place of seeking Jesus. Father, please give us wisdom. Jesus, please reveal Yourself to us more fully.

In Your Name, we ask,

Amen

[ge-anne]

Learning to Give You my Trust

Yesterday, I read a case study that hit pretty close to home. I am studying pastoral care, so we read case studies that present real-life scenarios and we discuss how to approach them using appropriate methodologies.

It was also Sunday and it happened to be a very special Sunday: Pastor Appreciation Sunday, which is a time when our church thanks our pastor and his wife how much we love and appreciate them. It’s a big day and everyone was very excited to share our deep love for our shepherd.

I popped over to the church early to get the music set up and to help with our breakfast that was being held to celebrate the day...and my mind stayed on that case study. I talked with friends and ate breakfast and drank coffee and still that study lingered around me...the air was heavy with sadness.

Church started and the music was good, but it didn’t flow because I was “blocked” for lack of a better word. The service was full of disruption and chaos and the feeling was heavier. I left almost in tears, but not because of what happened externally. It was the internal battle...that only then was I beginning to recognize.

My husband noticed and I started to tell him, but he was fearful it would affect his own mood, so I stopped. Then it hit me.

Jesus, YOU are the one I have to tell about these things. YOU are the one who breaks the chains. The power is in YOUR name, Jesus.

And so, haltingly, I did.

And the weight lifted. Then, I was able to clearly sort out that case study and how I should respond.

No emotional eating needed. No glass of wine.

Just Jesus.

Not just. . .

Jesus..

[ge-anne]

Pastor Appreciation

Hebrews 3:12-14

12 Watch out, brothers, so that there won’t be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart that departs from the living God. 13 But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception. 14 For we have become companions of the Messiah if we hold firmly until the end the reality[a] that we had at the start.

I sometimes think of pastors when I read this passage.

Pastoring is a tough job and one that every congregant and perhaps even member of the community feels they can do well enough to opine to anyone they can get to listen.

Reflecting on some of the pastors who have greatly impacted my life, I immediately think of those who are walking ahead of me in the Wesleyan walk of faith. I marvel that I came to know some of them and that I have always been received with grace and graciousness.

But, moving back a little farther, I think of those pastors who saw a much harsher, rawer version of me. Those who walked alongside me in times of great grief, pain, or disruption. I have been blessed with a few who weren’t afraid to jump right into the shark’s tank of my rage, hurt, and anger to calmly and resolutely stand beside me, with no thought of their safety or comfort.

Addiction.

Infertility.

Betrayal.

Depression.

Divorce.

Sin.

Brokenness.

Death.

Grief.

These amazing men and women of God refused to leave me alone. No doubt many prayed. Some held a hand or held me while I cried or cried out to God.

Some I cursed. Some I cursed at.

And yet, they chose the higher way and loved me still.

Lord, have mercy.

He did.

He does.

He equips those He chooses.

Sometimes it’s a pastor who walks us to the very presence of Jesus.

Sometimes it’s a pastor who redirects us to the feet of the cross.

Encourage your pastor or pastors while it is today.

[ge-anne]

Reflections on Psalm 51

Psalm 51

Prayer for Cleansing and Pardon

To the leader. A Psalm of David, when the prophet Nathan came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your steadfast love;

according to your abundant mercy

blot out my transgressions.

David cries out for mercy, knowing that God possesses steadfast love and abundant mercy. Sometimes the father of lies whispers to us that we’re too far gone, too evil, too sinful, too wretched for God to redeem. David knew that God was merciful, but there was work to be done on David’s part. He'd committed a terrible sin.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

and cleanse me from my sin.

Cleansing comes from God. It is nothing we can do for ourselves.

3 For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

Oh, the weight of sin! In our hearts, in the most secret places of our soul...the places no one else sees, we know that we are full of sin and transgression. There is nothing that can ultimately silence that truth because we are spiritual beings. It is the human condition to deny this...to run from the truth of our sinful heart and our dark deeds. We pretend no one knows and yet, the truth eats u alive. “my sin is ever before me”. Efforts to silence this truth can result in extreme pain, both for ourselves and for those around us. The habits, addictions, hangups, and outright acts of sin potentially cause damage to anyone in our path.

4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned,

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are justified in your sentence

and blameless when you pass judgment.

5 Indeed, I was born guilty,

a sinner when my mother conceived me.

6 You desire truth in the inward being;[a]

therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

How often we lie to ourselves!“I’ll quit tomorrow.”“Just one bite won’t hurt!”“I’ll do ___ when ___ happens”“Everybody does this!”And on and on. David acknowledges that God desires us to be honest with ourselves in our hearts. How can we ever expect to live in any kind of peace or relationship with Him if we don’t?David asks God to teach him wisdom is his secret heart. This is a skill that God can teach all of us. . .to counter the lies that we tell ourselves or that Satan plants inside of us.

John 8:31-32 Holman Christian Standard Bible

31 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word,[a] you really are My disciples. 32 You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”Truth. Sets us free.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Hyssop is a shrub with medicinal properties. It can be used for digestive problems and has been identified to have antiviral properties as well. God can clean us up, both curing our ailment and by washing our filth.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins,

and blot out all my iniquities.

Repentance and lament over one’s sinful state is a painful process. Grief and anguish hurt and we may indeed feel crushed under the weight of such emotion as we realize our true condition.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and put a new and right[b] spirit within me.

God is our Restorer. He is not our scorekeeper. His one desire since the foundation of the world and the fall of mankind is to restore us to Himself. This is a supernatural event that He offers those who repent and who seek Him earnestly.

11 Do not cast me away from your presence,

and do not take your holy spirit from me.

I never understood this verse as well as I do now. In a sense of desperation, I have literally begged God not to leave me outside of His presence, outside of His love. Never before have I begged from the deepest parts of my soul. Then, as I was filled with the Holy Spirit, I again, asked God to never remove this precious presence from my life. I am still praying that!

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and sustain in me a willing[c] spirit.

When a person comes to Christ, there is great joy! Most new converts cannot help but share their story every time they get the opportunity. For many, however, the joy fades as our connection with God gets overtaken with other things. It takes a willing spirit to stay intentionally connected to our Creator. David prays that God will sustain, or hold out, that willingness so that he, David doesn’t lose connection to the joy of his salvation.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

and sinners will return to you.

Then…

After all these conditions are met, David promises to share with others the ways of God. Hearing this truth will turn sinners back to God. We don’t talk about sin much in the 21st Century. It’s polarizing. It seems to be critical and judgemental. It’s not polite. Or, some in the body of Christ reduce sin to a checklist of acts that get the label “sin”, while they largely ignore the heart. Sin recedes as a natural consequence of sanctification. As we grow closer and closer to God and learn His heart, our own sinful nature slips away as we take on His.

And…

Transgressors who repent and follow the heart of God will follow His ways. The issue is not behavioral. It’s a condition of the soul...the separation from God must be restored through repentance and a longing for His presence.

14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,

O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.15 O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

As we begin to grasp the goodness of God. . .His deliverance from whatever things are trying to harm or even kill us, He delivers. Deliverance leads to jubilation and rejoicing. How can we NOT praise the One who is our Creator, Redeemer. and Restorer?

16 For you have no delight in sacrifice;

if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

Our doing doesn’t impress God. It is completely useless if we don’t surrender our heart. There are no merit awards for effort.

17 The sacrifice acceptable to God[d] is a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise

God only wants one thing: All of us in our broken state. As we lay the mess of our broken lives at the feet of Jesus, our heart breaks as we see a Holy God who can not be fooled or tricked by outward appearances. He sees us. In our wretched state and he demands that we take a good look and see our true brokenness as well.He does not despise us, Instead...That’s when His perfect love reaches through and restores us to fullness in Him.

Amen.