gehadabdelkarim

[gehadabdelkarim]

Observation about my productivity

I am more productive at night after 9 and in more calmer atmosphere, while I am listening to Imagine Dragon. I feel no distractions, no obligation and nothing I am missing out by being home.   

Idk what I should do to stay this productive. Maybe: reduce screen time at night, means movies and social media. Finish all the obligation first thing once I wake up and then take a nap then start studying !

[gehadabdelkarim]

These holding hands show the true love .. right ?!

[gehadabdelkarim]

Bad Day/ Worst Weekend

I deadly wanted to kill myself yesterday! I had no other idea in my mind except cutting my veins and end this suffering growing inside of me. 

I wanted my husband to support me and me gentle and soft, instead he kept telling me that he’s annoyed of my certain behavior I did to him! I want to tell him  that this was reaction for what actions he did or say to me!! 

I cried all day long, and when I cry more I feel more worse! 

I was very sensitive for everything and anything, I was very sensitive even from his voice tune. However, he didn’t care and blamed me for my sensitivity and raises his voice. 

I asked for many things over and over again, mostly I asked for him to show affection with different way than just talking. I asked him to provide me some stuff like Kitchen needed, home needed, self-care needed, soul needed, body needed, mind needed. 

I want him to make a surprise for me, bring me an amazing modified cake and decoration! I want him to buy an amazing beautiful dress and shoes and take me on a Date with red color theme! I want him to tie my shoes for me out of caring! I want him to be hand in hand in cooking something! I want him to cook me a breakfast in bed, cook something not just bring me muesli and yoghurt. I want him to get out of his comfort zone and take me for adventure! I am him to not tell me what to do and what not! I want him to be easy going with me! 

I feel that I have no value, I feel like if I disappear no one will notice or will miss me! 

[gehadabdelkarim]

Let’s focus on 2nd project and finish it today and submit it today!! Today’s means today !!!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I am miserable and making My husband life miserable too 😭😭😭

[gehadabdelkarim]

Can I press restart button to my life ??

[gehadabdelkarim]

ازاي بقيت بحس بوحدة وانت جنبي ؟؟ طول الوقت انت في موبايلك وسايبني لوحدي بالساعات !!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I do compromises for my needs and my wishes for the others and I never saw someone do that for me ???? What’s wrong with me !!!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I feel awful, what’s I am doing wrong here? Can someone tell me please? Is being a considerate person is wrong !?? Waiting for the right time or moments is wrong??!!!!!!! I keep wait and wait and no one is even think of me ?????!!!!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I am unhappy and I never thought that I will be like that ever!! I am lost!!

[gehadabdelkarim]

It seems that I have an issue of keep feeling lonely even there is ppl or there isn’t! I guess I am cursed or doomed to live with that feeling and this hole in my chest !!!

[gehadabdelkarim]

Will someone talk to me? Keep my company and help and Encourage me? Will someone be with me so I stop feeling lonely when I am even with the one I love ! Will be?

[gehadabdelkarim]

How can I be happy!! How???!!! What should I do? Should I force myself to smile, to laugh? I want it to be real from inside of me not from forcing myself to do it !

I am want to be genuinely happy, and satisfied!! Why is it so hard ?!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I wanna be happy world, I am so drain and can’t find anything makes me happy !!

[gehadabdelkarim]

انا مخنوقه فشخ وإحساس جوايا بعدم رضي بالنصيب.. احساس بعدم القيمة والتقدير .. حاسه بغيره من سعاده البعض .. غيره من نجاح البعض .. غيره من ذكاء البعض.. غيره من رزق البعض.. انا مش عارفه ليه غيرانه ومش عارفه ليه حاسه بالضيقة .. نفسي ابقي راضيه وسعيدة

[gehadabdelkarim]

For no reason I just feel that I wanna die !!

[gehadabdelkarim]

I don’t want to be weak, worthless and incompetent like Mum and Dad .

I will be better than them. I have to !!