gellicka

[gellicka]

I found this in my drafts, same as sunset. I wrote this when my ex of 6 years relationship and I had a reunion. I never thought I wrote well. LOLLLL. It all hits home.

golden retriever

I wanted to pen these thoughts and emotions but I didn’t even know where to start. I had to cry, talk to friends, work. This time, I will try to be less vague. I lost someone. Or rather something. I am going through grief.

For years, being coupled is all I knew. I liked having someone with me. The kid in me felt happy. Fast forward to last year, things had to end. I wasn’t very sure if that’s me being selfish or it was him. But since there were so much baggage, it felt like a relief. And I know myself well enough. I will get over it. But it kept hurting even it was a decision we both made.

I picked myself up, did few wrong things. Insane stuff. Gone out, drove places, smoked, fucked. Stories that can only be recounted during drinking sessions. Found a silly job, worked like a donkey. Well liked, talented, hot stuff. I was burning bright.

Something brought us back again. But I couldn’t find that spark again. Although, I know damn well I was the wiser one he’d run to. I was begged before not to leave because I’m the only one he knew. A salvavida, somewhat. I take people under my wing. I like to watch them grow. I enjoy developments. As long as I’m needed, I’ll be there. It’s probably a bit narcissistic. But I see it as the purpose that pushes me forward.

[gellicka]

I cannot exactly remember when I wrote this, it was just in my drafts and I decided to post today. Gelli, you're my star. In some ways, you complete the thoughts in my head. The duality I find in myself always shines through when I need it most. This was for 40. I just realized now.

sunset

I have wanted this for a long time now.

Just this morning, I found myself clinging to your kind words. It all felt like a hug. I feel safe. You start to mean something.

While this happens, I couldn’t tell you what really bothered me. It wouldn’t be fair to you, but hell, I’m doing a restart. I want the spark. I deserve the spark. In the time that we watch our sunset, I will always keep your smile in my memories. I love you.

I was greatly bothered by something I have no control of. But I know that I can control only myself. And that’s what I did. My prejudice was in my favour. It served me. How many times does it have to be repeated? I am starting to believe that I am a true intellectual, a believer of notions. Poured all of my creativity into what I thought has always been mine.

There are things I wish for you, all of you. I only want you to fly high. Be good. You deserve better.

Understand that I do what is necessary to be free, be peaceful. As these are the last words you’ll find.

[gellicka]

sunset

I have wanted this for a long time now.

Just this morning, I found myself clinging to your kind words. It all felt like a hug. I feel safe. You start to mean something.

While this happens, I couldn’t tell you what really bothered me. It wouldn’t be fair to you, but hell, I’m doing a restart. I want the spark. I deserve the spark. In the time that we watch our sunset, I will always keep your smile in my memories. I love you.

I was greatly bothered by something I have no control of. But I know that I can control only myself. And that’s what I did. My prejudice was in my favour. It served me. How many times does it have to be repeated? I am starting to believe that I am a true intellectual, a believer of notions. Poured all of my creativity into what I thought has always been mine.

There are things I wish for you, all of you. I only want you to fly high. Be good. You deserve better.

Understand that I do what is necessary to be free, be peaceful. As these are the last words you’ll find.

[gellicka]

golden retriever

I wanted to pen these thoughts and emotions but I didn’t even know where to start. I had to cry, talk to friends, work. This time, I will try to be less vague. I lost someone. Or rather something. I am going through grief.

For years, being coupled is all I knew. I liked having someone with me. The kid in me felt happy. Fast forward to last year, things had to end. I wasn’t very sure if that’s me being selfish or it was him. But since there were so much baggage, it felt like a relief. And I know myself well enough. I will get over it. But it kept hurting even it was a decision we both made.

I picked myself up, did few wrong things. Insane stuff. Gone out, drove places, smoked, fucked. Stories that can only be recounted during drinking sessions. Found a silly job, worked like a donkey. Well liked, talented, hot stuff. I was burning bright.

Something brought us back again. But I couldn’t find that spark again. Although, I know damn well I was the wiser one he’d run to. I was begged before not to leave because I’m the only one he knew. A salvavida, somewhat. I take people under my wing. I like to watch them grow. I enjoy developments. As long as I’m needed, I’ll be there. It’s probably a bit narcissistic. But I see it as the purpose that pushes me forward.

[gellicka]

7 days

More or less. I have exhausted myself.

I’m not sure of myself. Was I never understanding? Did I abandon? Was it all for nothing? It was all for nothing.

I am not enough. Or was I too much? I am too much. I just threw away this version of me that I have built. The happy version of me. I don’t know what it is that I am looking for. Is it love? Attention? I am quite sure it was never any material things. Do I want success? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove myself to? What is pain? Pain demands to be felt. Am I numb? Was it a stupid showdown that we did who is better at loving? Did I win? You won?

Maybe I do not know what is love? Maybe it was all just a selfish thing. I was selfish. It all hit me back hard. Harder than I thought it will. And I am in the state of shock. It was taken away from me. Or I took it all away from myself. Did I sabotage myself? Did I sabotage this? You did?

Why did it hurt more than it hurt with Blake?

Why?

[gellicka]

Hm

Hi, writing for the sake of my sanity.

I feel like I lost way too much.

It isn’t a good time.

When will it come back..

All I have are stupid pictures.

Can I just sleep this off?

I don’t wanna deal with it. I don’t want to wallow.

I hate betrayal.

[gellicka]

27

Last night, my mother had wrung emotions and tears out of me. This is us getting older. I was caught off-guard, because I was planning to self-reflect after the day ends. But the night will not end without serious talk and realization.

For the first time, we agreed on a lot of things. Is this really how getting older is? I have built walls in the past, to protect myself. There is a protective version of myself for my own welfare. But I realized, this isn’t how I was. I was a very open and fun-loving. What the fuck changed me?

I thought recently to go back. To return. To allow that person to exist. To just be myself. I told my mom how things happened. How for the first ten years of my life was about learning morality, what is right and wrong. And how my teenage years was just about proving my parents wrong. That I could live without them and I can do whatever I wanted. “But I didn’t have money,” that was the joke.

How the onset of my 20s was just me having a relationship; confused, frustrated, and fucked by life. How devastated I was still trying to go after my dream but just falling short literally. Here’s to my later 20s, just living. Accepting of myself, and the values I hold in my heart. It was back to basic.

I thought to myself that I should be grateful. I’m holding a job that I asked for, very different from the previous one. My parents are still alive and are witnesses to my womanhood. They are there. And that is a very fortunate occurence.

Greetings wise, it was a neutral feeling. I am living and so do others. I felt fine, not having as much posts as my friends did. There were times that I was hurt, because they didn’t think that it’s still me. That I have changed. Truthfully, sometimes I’m just afraid. Because I also thought of them the same. But it was the memories and laughters that we have shared that I hold onto very very much. If you ever think if me, I’d like to know.

Right now, Vienna waits for me. I don’t want to take things for granted. I’ll smell the flowers more often, bask in the sun, gaze at the moon, take longer walks, explore. There are no more maps. And I’m excited to fuck up another chapter of my life.

[gellicka]

cha cha cha

It’s been a while

I just feel so happy, even though I’m very tired.

I was checking my old pics from last year and OH MY G I WAS SUCH A HOTTIE. I was on a dating spree and I can’t blame the men for wanting. It was a very weird time for me bc I was not even able to process everything as fast as things happening but damn. Damn. I drove ALONE to many places I would never thought I would. That was mostly for meeting men which is sth I would never do anymore. You live and you learn, love. It’s what we do. Can’t say it was a waste of time because that shit was fun.

I feel compelled to upload a pic of me (from last year) but I’m not so sure how safe this website could get.

Anyway, our timely update begins in this section:

Workwise, shit’s boring. Shit is really boring that I start to make dramas just to get me through it. The only thing that makes me feel like going to work is when my boss literally said: “I wish I had your attitude” girl knows I don’t take shit and I will do what has to be done. Full bulldozer if they don’t tell me to take it easy.

But yeah I feel happy, skin is skinning. Men are menning. Alles in ordnung.

Only thing I want to have is more money. It has changed me a lot. There’s more to that but it’s such a long explanation. I can live poor poor but I DONT WANT TO. I do not want to. I want to have the freedom to do things that I like.

Future-wise, girl’s gotta get back to her gym workouts. Girlllllll you look fit in that dress but u gotta workout a bit more make those legs sore as fuck. Glute shelves high as fuck. Do em reps uno dos tres. Do em sets quatro cinco seis.

Ok I’m having too much fun. Chau bella 💋

[gellicka]

manic monday

it’s the first monday where I ever felt it was actually Monday in months. Or years. I got so goddamn busy and it kinda felt rewarding to know it wasn’t a complete waste of day. However on the other hand, I was looking forward to talk to some people but alas, it wasn’t just me who’s able to drive conversations forward. I need to let go. If I’m being honest I’ve been stressed because I’m a person who sets a vision and I get frustrated when things do not happen the way I expected. I feel that I struggle the most with the pitfalls that come my way. I don’t like my job. But I do like that it keeps my mind off things. I like getting busy. I am in love with getting busy. I am in love with setting things here and there. I am in love with having value. I am yet to tweak myself, because I don’t even like the way I am. I wish I do. I’m not even close to what I want to be. All in all, I have this little wish that I hope to come true. It’s just been very painful to see that I we keep going back to zero. It’s like a losing battle all the time. I’ve been trying to be open. Believe me I have. But I guess there’s no point to it really. I’m just being thrown shit after shit all the time. What if I go back? Just what if? Is that going to be a temporary blanket while I warm myself up? But I don’t wanna use people. I guess I’m gonna succumb to wrapping myself around work. I don’t really wanna deal with the shitty feelings. It’s so hard to trust everyone and everything.

[gellicka]

I go to great lengths to protect my peace.

I will cut you out. I will cut you off. I will remove you from my life.

I must have my peace back.

[gellicka]

LTD

I feel the need to be in a rush. I feel like I won't ever have enough time in my hands.

I am intense. I pressure people to get in the same flow as I do. I feel that we don't have enough time.

I often miss to enjoy things slowly, one at a time.

I attack. I attack on tasks aggressively. Always feeling like I need to get it done asap. I only want to be useful.

I feel so contained by my own pace.

Always felt something was wrong. It's a hunch. But I know what I like.

I like to get ahead. I want to be the primo.

I am very exhausted. My mind going a hundred miles per hour, often missing on something. I'm onto the next thing before even enjoying the present.

I wish to enjoy things. I just want to enjoy things.

What have I become? Just a pacman eating away the pellets.

Take me out of this tornado.

[gellicka]

So real. Every word just hits right home. Feels like an explanation for everything.

[gellicka]

when introspection hits

”new year, new me,” I always hear this. And this has been our slogan when this time of the year comes around.

I’m all about having new things. Nothing wrong about it. But I would approach the new year with a different slogan. “New year, better me” does that sound better? In my head, yes. I like where I am right now. And I’m not all about cutting off stuff that happened in the past. But I strive to be better. I am not quite sure what will happen in the following months. And I just wanna be happy. I want to make the right decisions. I want to choose the correct path, even if it is yet to be chosen.

All I want for myself is to have clarity, to be able to enjoy living in the moment and worrying less about the future. I am very future-oriented, but I aspire to make the balance. I don’t have a lot of photos on my phone, about special memories and whatnot. Now that I want to feel happy, I have less things to reach for when I am not feeling so good. I feel like a failure when it comes to keeping memories with me.

I was not going to introspect, even if my mother suggested it would be a good time for me to do it. But I am feeling very tender right at this moment. And to feel is a weird thing for me. I have trained myself to feel less, and to look away from pain because they said it’s “mind over matter.” But I probably applied that principle uncarefully.

To the little you: I am making myself ready. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I will be the best one in town, the best one for you. I am very sure I will have all my love for you.

[gellicka]

some time

I found some time to blabber while I’m on my lunch break.

So basically just sittin in a cafeteria across where I work, killing time. Emails have been annoying, and follow ups has been a very veryyy intimidating task for me. Not because I can’t do it or whatsoever. I’m just too good at forgetting stuff that has been done and having pendings is like an itch I cannot scratch. On the flipside I’m glad that the main way of communicating is through emails, because I’m not very good at being vocally diplomatic. I can get pretty straightforward when I’m done fumbling around. So far… my mind has stopped being a wonder generator. There’s already many wonders right in my face and I don’t have to think so much.

2 nights ago, as I was falling asleep I heard myself snoring. It was a weird occassion having your body dead tired while your mind is just about to shut off. I nearly thought I was dreaming, opened my eyes but I could still hear myself.

Anyway, been talking to my mother about going to Dubai Opera. I loooove musicals. It’s so inspiring? Like, have you seen performers act it out perfectly without the takes? It’s magic. I do think it’s a live art being performed over and over again and seeing it with your own eyes, hearing their voices, is fantastic overall. Aside from musicals, hell do I miss concerts. I’m kinda boring now, and I don’t really go for the new stuff because my mind has been fixed to listen to the oldies. I only find new music intriguing when my sisters send me tiktoks. Cute stuff.

[gellicka]

I am back, bitches

I have not hopped on here for a long time. I do go here and there between social media.

Oh, and I got new job. Refer to the link:

Yes, right now it's a struggle again. I feel so good doing things I didn't know I was capable of. I am very grateful of people who take a chance on me. Thank you, thank you. There are still good people in the world.

I am the happiest when I am busy. I often told people: when I get in the momentum, it's very hard to pull me back. I am very, very, sorry. I won't let anything get in the way. I am really sorry. I promise to make it up to you guys.

Right now I finally got out of the depressing era again. I do stupid things when I'm not busy. I would be fun, fuck around and all. It's just a shame, that they didn't believe in me. I keep them all somewhere in the back of my mind. And I'll be happy to stay as friends. Be happy that we met. Those decisions seemed easy for me to do. But I felt guilt a day or two afterwards. And I just wish you all a good life. With or without me.

I happened to have some time and introspect a bit, and here I am. I'm still in a rush. I didn't change. It always feels like I'm never gonna have enough time in my hands... or my watch. What am I hoping to achieve? Why am I walking too fast? Why am I gulping down caffeine like there's no tomorrow? Why am I putting green ticks on my emails like a pacman? Why is everything so urgent? I'll forever wonder. It's probably the five-minute rule. "If something won't take longer than 5 minutes, do it now." Next thing I know I'm unstoppable as fuck. Bit aggressive, really.

I probably need to slow down but it doesn't seem like sth that's in the cards for now. I tried doing that and it didn't go well lol

Live life with grace, Gelli. Breathe.

[gellicka]

Why do I give myself problems?

I was starting to think maybe I got some addiction with struggling. If it's not a struggle, it doesn't feel real. Wtf is wrong with me. Who taught me this? I wanna get out of this cycle.

Anyway after losing my job which didn't give me struggle at all, I am back to the pits of searching for another one. And yes for some reason I enjoy it. It's the only time I get to brag. It's the time where I get to show off about who I am and such. I rarely use my bragging rights, I always stay humble about my achievements. I actually felt shy about those for a long time. I didn't think I would be worth seeing. But surprisingly people did.

Myself leaving the company was just a precedent of more stuff unraveling in the organization. It's mad. Of course I can't keep talking about it coz shit's confidential. I'm not sure if I did anything? Whenever I leave a company this happens. Perhaps a coincidence?

Right now I wanna get a guitar coz this song has been playing over my head. Without thinking about anyone. LOL just vibing with some SZA

[gellicka]

230904

I feel so bothered. I am now once again in the time where I am back to zero. I have tried planning things but didn't happen the way it should.

I am now looking for a space again where I can thrive. I wanna take risks. I don't wanna be held back. Please let me.