gemayni

[gemayni]

It is rarely discussed how one copes with betrayal. How all those scenarios keep repeating in her mind. How apologies could NEVER abate how damage has been done. How forever will that nag at the back of her mind. How she acts like it does not consume her. How she wants to turn back time and hopes she shouldn't have known and he shouldn't have done it. How one has to bend her principles. How she wouldn't trust fully again. How she would always switch to beau's accounts discreetly and checks his chats, his interactions - stuff she would consider low but stooped down anyway. How lowly she became. She forgave, but she was never the same.

[gemayni]

Patong-patong na pressure. Murag isa nalay idagdag ani magbreak down nako. Pwede muevaporate?

[gemayni]

No, it wasn't like this. He wasn't like this. And days without talking to him via vc and just short chats gives me more peace.

Here I am again waiting for me to bust him cheating on me or him doing anything so stupid so he'll lose a face lol

[gemayni]

The changes...it's happening before my very eyes. It's sad but we will not beg. If it's for me, I will not have to beg.

[gemayni]

January 5, 2024

Dear 18 year old self,

Reading this open letter brings me back to the very moment I wrote this. I am thankful that I have wrote it this way. The moment is still vivid in my memory.

I am already a teacher now. I have been teaching for more or less 5 years now. 3 years in a private school in Lanao Sur called Spencers' Foundation School Inc. Then after my contract ended I applied in public school. Last October 2022, I got hired. I am currently teaching in my first assignment at Dumalian Integrated School - school in the hinterland providing education for our Subanen children. Although the work there is lighter from the other school, I just don't see the drive and competitiveness in me. So I am waiting to be transferred. Hopefully news comes sooner than later.

In two weeks, I'll be taking my comprehensive exam in Educational Management. I am taking it in Saint Columban College - Graduate Studies. Hopefully, I'll pass it so I can proceed to Thesis. (Here we again!)

I wasn't really specific with 'the nice vehicle' for papang back then but I was able to purchase him a simple Grey Wave Single Motor when I was working in Matling.

I still haven't attended any KPOP concert. Bigbang is no longer active as a group. I think they're no longer in YG. Seungri has to leave the industry due to issues he was involved with. GD and TOP left YG as well. My main group has always been Blackpink eversince their debut.

I seldom talk to my roommates in college. Te Roch is now living her dreams of working in a bank and Wena is getting there. Few detours but I know God has better plans for her as well. Wena and I talked a lot even after 3 years from graduation but now that lives become busier we try to update each other and do videocalls/calls on random occasions. Still the best confidante.

I am no longer single (char). Met my boyfriend in December 2019, got official in September 2020. Among my FGG squad, Gir and Kent are still getting stronger, Janena maylabs has Patpat now, Ayne finally broke free from arrange marriage, Jarne is graduating soon from Law School, Jhaie roomie has Luna now with her partner Bandol whom I still haven't met in person yet, Almer is happily living his best life in Cebu (we haven't seen each other ever since graduation I think), Mariel chose to teach in Taiwan (so happy to see her living her life independently), and Jasson...I hope he is happy wherever he is right now🕊️. He died in December 2020, right before pandemic happened but he will always stay in hearts.

I know there are still things I hoped I already achieved by the time 7 years has gone by but upon reading it, having been able to cross-out some is a manifestation of God's work in my life. I had planned out my life well, but his plans are even better. It hasn't been easy but life's better. Layo pa, pero layo na.

To my 18 year old self, I hope I made you proud.

Sincerely,

Your 25 year old self

An Open Letter to My Future Self 7 Years From Now

Dear Future Self,

         How are you after all these years? By now you are already 25 years old. Have you finished your studies already? How many wishes have you crushed out from your bucket list? Are you still the same talkative yet ambivert lady  you used to be? Do you already have a stable job? Have you become a great teacher who inspires her students? You really liked a famous quotation by the late senator Miriam Defensor Santiago,”a true teacher does not terrorize ignorant students because  a true teacher knows that it is his job to cure ignorance.”

          Have you built a new house for your parents? Have you granted your promise to your parents? That you will give your father a nice vehicle and you will have a family trip to relax them if you’ll have your own salary already? That you will be the one to pay for your sisters education after you finish yours? That you will help them escape the poverty you’ve been experiencing? Have you set foot to Taj Mahal in India or visit Seoul, Korea? You’ve been wanting to go there to testify its real beauty. You were fond of watching KPop artists, KDrama because of their physiques, humor and talents. You were a fan of Bigbang, Got7, Twice, Black Pink, 2ne1, Infinite, BTOB, BTS, Astro and Exo but you were not to the extent of memorizing korean lyrics. You just find their variety shows very entertaining. You loved watching Asian Film like Thai, Chinese, Korean and Bollywood.  

           Are you married or in a relationship already? Let me remind you that you were single and contented with the company of your friends, however, you seek for somebody’s company because you don’t have the same class schedule with your squad anymore. Oftentimes, you eat alone, something you really hate. Do you still keep in touch with your college friends? FGG - Feeling Gwapa/o Gamay Squad? 

          I hope you have accomplished all things mentioned above. I hope you really do. I hope you become someone whom you’ve been aspiring all these years. You were resilient and understanding and I hope you remain the same. May you stay strong amidst any storms that will shaken your foundation. You’ve been sickly so please be careful always. Your parents had been very loving and attentive towards your betterment, I hope you haven’t put all their hard works in vain. They’re probably old by now, take good care of them. At their age they highly need affection and demands for your attention so never be selfish to them. I pray that you’ll find someone whom you’ll rightfully grow old with, stay by your side through thick and thin. Someone who is loving, matured, respectful, and responsible. May you remain God-fearing. You were not the most religious person everybody have known but you have a strong faith in Him. In times of doubt, may you always draw closer to Him and  continue to seek Him in all your endeavor. 

        You were wearing a green IIT PE shirt and khaki brown knee-length shorts while suffering from your broken toenail which you got out of dumbness the moment you wrote this lettter around 11:30 in the evening, Saturday, 15th of October 2016 inside your room in your boarding house with your two other roommates. Jhaie on her phone and Wena facing her laptop, both connecting to the internet, doing what you all usually do. You have 3 roommates but Ate Roch is out to study. She’s been in her bestfriend’s house since the night before. She was already in her last year in her program, BS Accountancy. While you were still in your third year in college taking up Bachelor in Elementary Education in English. Instead of working on your thesis proposal ,which you haven’t completed the previous summer class you took, or start writing term paper for your Filipino 103: Maikling Kwento ,which you’ve been stressing out that semester, you wrote this letter. I have high hopes that you are already successful the moment you are reading this. Fighting!

Sincerely,

your 18-year old version

[gemayni]

No I'll never get over that issue. Never. Same intensity.

[gemayni]

Part of me knew it all along that I would never be satisfied with a partner who lacks understanding and wit. Not money. Not height. Not love. Not loyalty.

[gemayni]

Lord, ug di siya para nako, ikaw na maghatag nakog rason na mawala siya. Di na kaya sa akong mental health😭😭😭

[gemayni]

And just like a candle, she was consumed.

[gemayni]

Naabot nako sa part sa akong lovelife na subconsciously stressed ko agi sa akong uyab. And musulod na sa akong utok na kapoy na.

[gemayni]

how can I never forget that one mistake? atay oy

[gemayni]

"Iwallpaper na"

"Ayaw na ilisdi huh?"

Pamati jud ning kagwang da hahahahahaha pero cute jud bitaw kay ni siya hahahahahaha

[gemayni]

I thank my God everytime I remember you.

Philippians 1:3

[gemayni]

Kanang naay galeave na kauban tapos siya moy gipaproxy sa sa trabaho ato unya 4:30 am ang duty tapos 6+ am na mahuman unya iyang work sched jud kay 8am-5pm (ofc naay lunch break ug snacks) tapos mamisita or magcall ra mi taman 9kapin. Mga 10 or 11 pa jud na siya matulog🤦🏻‍♀️ kanang maskin katulgon na kaayo ba pugson ra gihapon na di sa matulog🥺

[gemayni]

Sa tinuod lang jud no kay I find me as the toxic one in our relationship huhu help🙈

[gemayni]

4 months together❤

[gemayni]

Naa daw ihatag si pipoy nako pero maulaw siya muhatag kay basin di ko ganahan kay basta gaan daw ko kay di daw nako dawaton. Like hello katong gaan tana ko nimog sapatos 2nd week palang pa ka sa pagpanguyab ato. Can u imagine the burden on my end na magdawat ug basin unsa (apart from food kay that is an exemption😉) unya nanguyab palang? Sizt makapressure pud kaayo. And he knows I hate being pressured by anyone.