genderexpansivemormons

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Happy International Pronouns Day! Remember: asking for someone’s pronoun is fine (and appreciated), and introducing yourself with your own pronouns is the best way to indirectly tell other people that they can tell you their pronouns as well!

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“my Heavenly Parents affirmed to me that I am eternally, and wonderfully, transgender. I felt the words distinctly (“I’m trans!”), accompanied by a flood of warmth through my whole body, as if my insides had been filled with golden light. One phrase always accompanies that memory: “I know it, I know that God knows it, and I cannot deny it.”   - Ash Rowan

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This is Trans Saint Stories on Tumblr. 

As always feel free to get in contact if you wish to share your story. 

theforgottenfreefaller mentioned in the comments Trans Saint Stories. It’s amazing and deserves its own post. 

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500 Queer Scientists raises the visibility of queer and transgender people in science and technology

500 Queer Scientists is a  visibility campaign for LGBTQ+ people and their allies working in STEM and STEM-supporting jobs (STEM as in “Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics”).

So far they have been publishing 1,317 stories.

Since this is a transgender blog, I take the liberty of sharing some nonbinary and transgender life stories here.

L.K. Tuominen

He/him, they/them, or s/he/hir

I’m transgender and pansexual and I’m a botanist. 

My main research interest is in plant secondary metabolism. I have contributed to research on growing food during spaceflight, defense and cell wall pathways in a biofuels crop, and (in my current postdoctoral position) adaptation of desert plants to challenging soil conditions. I have also completed training in environmental ethics, applied in ecological modeling research. After completing the PhD, I took a five-year career detour for my transition….Beyond creating transgender- and intersex-informed biology content, I have led workshops on creative career problem solving for scientists and developed a course exploring how science has both reinforced and disproven racist ideas over time.

Atom J. Lesiak

They/Them, Ze/Zir

I am transgender/ genderqueer/ queer and I am a neuroscientist. 

I am a postdoctoral fellow and neuroscientist at the University of Washington. I seek to understand the cellular, molecular, and genetic mechanisms underlying chronic stress and depression. I volunteer with the Pacific Science Center sharing my love of science with the public, and at Ingersoll Gender Center in support of the transgender community. Additionally, I lead projects to provide medical providers early career training on how to provide better medical services for LGBTQ patients. My passion for science and the brain developed while seeking explanations for my gender dysphoria…

Sam

They/Them

I am queer, genderqueer, transgender and I am a PhD candidate in evolutionary biology.

I fell in love with science through pursuing my insatiable curiosity about the world around me, flipping over rocks to look for salamanders and cataloging the texture of different leaves in my backyard. As a biology major in college, I decided to commit myself to studying plants because of their incredible plasticity, resilience, and generosity in the face of stress, disturbance, and environmental change. My graduate work focuses on local adaptation to environmental stress in a widely distributed species of wild grass. Through studying ecological variation, I’ve come to see myself as more deeply a part of our world’s incredible biodiversity as someone who is other, neither, and both male and female…

Nancy Williams

She/Her

I am trans and I am a mechanistic organometallic chemist.

I am a queer, trans chemistry professor at the Keck Science Department of Claremont McKenna, Pitzer, and Scripps Colleges in southern California. My primary research interests are in the field of mechanistic organometallic chemistry, specifically studying C-H and C-C oxidative addition/reductive elimination at platinum centers. I teach classes ranging from first year seminar courses to inorganic chemistry. I have been a membership of the Leadership Council of IONiC, the Interactive Online Network of Inorganic Chemists since its founding. I’m a proud member of the greater Los Angeles transgender community and of the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles.

Julian Heilman

He/Him

I am trans and I am a geographer.

I am a transgender man, a mom, a husband, and an enthusiastic geography geek who is working on my 30th year at a federal science agency. I came to realize who I was late in life, and transitioned at work. For the most part, it was successful. There were a number of bumps in the road which would have been rectified had there been someone who had gone before me to show me how to stay safe, advocate for myself, and continue to stay enthusiastic about my work. I feel that I am now that person, and am still excited to be a geographer! …

For more stories about queer and transgender scientists, visit 500 Queer Scientists!

See also: 500 Queer Scientists to Make Your Day Smarter

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From the Affirmation conference yesterday, I offer the following quote from an anonymous mother of a trans child:

I don’t believe Satan’s work is to deceive people into being LGBTQ. Instead, Satan takes these precious children of God and tells them they are worthless. He tells them that there is no place for them in God’s plan. He tells them God no longer loves them. He resides in their shame.

Satan also resides in our fears, knowing that our fears will hinder our ability to truly love. His goal is to tear apart families and drive people away from the gospel of Jesus Christ.

He is succeeding, but not because this group has been deceived and are now gay/trans. He is succeeding because he is keeping us from coming together as the body of Christ and loving with pure Christ-like love.

We could do better to help heal those members who are hurting and feel they have no place with us. Every member is vital, without them we cannot function as a church to our fullest potential. The answer to overcoming Satan, strengthening family, and bringing people to Christ is LOVE.

Which reminds me of something I read once:

23 For behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you that the Lord God worketh not in darkness.

24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation.

25 Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye bends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price.

 - Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 26:23-25

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hey there LGBTQ kids who are also Christian/Jewish! If you feel like you’re disobeying God, questioning your faith, or feel wrong and dirty for loving who you love, there’s this fantastic site I found today called hoperemains that accurately and thoroughly combs through scripture and its (many) mistranslations, validates your orientation, and basically let’s you know that you’re not pissing off God. It’s insanely thorough and after reading through every page on the entire site it’s super helpful. Go check it out!

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Church makes me anxious now. Yesterday I got a text asking me to lead the theme in young women and I was very, very nervous. I hesitantly replied saying no, I couldn't do it, I wasn't sure I could make the zoom call that Sunday. (Zoom calls add an extra layer of pressure that I am not a fan of.)

I know my ward is a place where the people are kind and loving. They care. They support me. They love me. But I can't dismiss the fear that their love is conditional. Even if it isn't, I would always be handled like a bomb ready to explode, like a rose with thorns. "This is beautiful, but it could hurt someone." "We love you, but your decisions are wrong."

I've finally found the strength to face it and call it what it is: religious trauma. I adore this church, and I adore its gospel. But my whole life I've had people telling me that gay people are bad. Trans people are an abomination. Gay people who act on their feelings have lost any patience the Lord might have had with them. Trans people who transition aren't being patient enough; they're giving in to a temptation they are not allowed to have. Trans people are weak. Gay people are weak. Nonbinary people spit upon God's creations and dismiss His Plan.

And it hurts. No matter how much "We will love you no matter what" I am handed, there is always judgement behind their eyes. I hear the things they say when they don't think any queer people are around. I hear the things she says when I am around. I don't know if she remembers that I am other.

So I hide. I hide in the bathroom during Young Women (I'm not even a girl!). I offer to take the toddlers out during testimony meeting. I share my love with the little ones instead of listening to the love the people inside have for me, and I hope that this is an acceptable offering. I sit in the hall and look at the paintings of Jesus and wonder why I can feel the Spirit stronger when I'm alone. I wonder why I am so angry at the speakers in the chapel when they tell me I need to do more, even if they might be right.

I had a friend ask those of us in our friend group who are religious how we cope with the homophobia and transphobia in our religions. And part of it, I realized, was that I ignored it. I pretended I felt safe there and I felt guilty when the people around me made me anxious. Like I don't have trauma in this building, laid between the bricks like the anger and the disappointment I have been faced with is the only thing keeping the walls together. Like the pain is my fault.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I pray with my family every night, only letting them hear the facade I have put up for them. (I pretend I am not scared, and in return they pretend not to see the They/Them next to my name on the school records.) At night, half asleep, I ask for patience, for strength and hope. It's not quite enough but I'm working on it. I don't read my scriptures enough, but I sit, quiet, and listen, and hope that my angels are holding my hand. I find new places to hold church - my grandfather's garden, my bedroom, the green chair in the living room at night.

I'm scared. I'm hurt. I don't understand. I'm worried that I'm not doing the right thing. But I'm choosing to hold onto the hope that this is right, that I'm okay, that my Heavenly Parents understand, that this is what they want for me. I'd rather live my life in love and courage than sit and hide in fear and self hatred. I hold onto the love that I know is there and I

Maybe this is the foundation I need. I will build myself a home. I will build myself a temple. I will make it beautiful and strong and full of love. And when I'm ready to go back, I will let others in.

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Mission Statement

Trans Saint Stories seeks to amplify the voices of our Latter-day Saint and Mormonism-adjacent (including ex-Mormon, post-Mormon, etc.) transgender, non-binary, and/or gender-expansive (TNBGE) siblings.

This space cultivates support for those of us who are grappling, or have grappled, with tension between our genders, and the doctrines, teachings, and behaviors of the LDS Church leaders and members. We acknowledge the unique joys and pains that come with existing in any capacity as a TNBGE Mormon, and we affirm the spiritual paths and individual agency of every transgender person.

Our hope is that in getting to know us better, LDS leaders and members can gain a greater understanding of how to minister to and love their TNBGE siblings— and that other TNBGE individuals will know that they aren't alone.

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Here is our FAQ

WHAT IS THIS?

In recent years, the existence of LGBTQ people has become more widely acknowledged by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; however, the unique experiences of the "T" (transgender) portion of that acronym are still relatively unknown. For many reasons, trans people don't feel free or safe to be ourselves, particularly within a conservative religious context like that of the Church. This is a space for trans people with any association or affiliation with Mormonism to speak up and share their stories, while preserving anonymity for their own safety. (By default, all submissions are shared anonymously unless the author should request otherwise.) Trans Saint Stories claims no official affiliation with the LDS Church.

WHO RUNS THIS THING?

Trans Saint Stories was founded as a labor of love by Ash Rowan, who is genderqueer-nonbinary and describes themself as "liminally Mormon." The project is also supported by a team of queer Mormon volunteers.

HOW CAN I CONTACT YOU?

For questions, feedback, to submit your own story, or to otherwise get in touch, please email transgenderdaysaints@gmail.com. You can also find the project on Twitter at @TransSaints.

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Story #8

I’m a transgender male and grew up VERY strong in the church. After coming out and transitioning, my faith has had its ups and downs. At church, I feel like some people feel that I don’t belong there; I’ve even had some questions like “is it possible to reverse back to a female or are there a lot of permanent things?” from my stake president.

At home, life is amazing. I have never been happier in my life. I have tons of friends that love me, and some that don’t even know. So it’s hard to be so happy at home and then attend a church that makes me feel like it’s a disappointment that I transitioned and that I “sinned.”

I am dating an LDS girl who is now also struggling with the church because she now has to think about something other than a temple marriage. I don’t attend church like I used to, but it’s really cool to see pages like this that give you so much hope.

https://transsaintstories.com/8

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Story #7

Content warning: Transphobia, suicidal ideation. 

I had an idea that I didn’t feel right in my body from a pretty young age. As a child, I’d often imagine transforming into someone or something else, including girls from class or church. I remember wearing my mom’s dress when I was 4 or 5 and loving it, and wearing costumes that my sisters had. I don’t remember my parents ever getting mad or acting weird about it at that age. I assume it was just because I was practically an infant so they thought it was just cute. When I started going through puberty, I began to feel like something was wrong. I didn’t like the changes my body was going through so I would try to forget about it by dressing up in girls clothes. My parents caught me in them once when I was 13 or 14. I wasn’t beaten thankfully. My parents were never very violent. Instead, I was given a lesson on The Family: A Proclamation to the World and was told that the girl I liked at the time would not ever be interested in a guy that dressed up in women’s clothing. It wasn’t until I entered college my freshman year that I learned that transgender people existed. I was watching a recording of the musical Rent with one of my friends for the first time and I decided after watching it I wanted to advocate for gay and trans people. I then left on a mission. Throughout the entire mission I would have dozens of dreams of my body reshaping into a woman’s body. I spent a lot of time studying about the Family Proclamation, the Plan of Salvation, and the atonement. I thought that these dreams were sinful, so I would pray for forgiveness any time I had them. They never really stopped until I just kind of stopped having dreams altogether. When I got back from my mission, I went to BYU. I made several friends, many of whom came out as gay or left the church because of the church’s various decisions regarding gay members. I remember one specific conversation I had with a friend that was going through a faith crisis. She told me about a family studies class she was taking, and how the church was trying to become more accommodating for gay and trans members. When she mentioned that, I remember becoming very hopeful, though I didn’t understand why (I hadn’t come out to myself yet). A few weeks later, the church announced they would no longer be allowing children of gay couples to get baptized. My friend left the church that semester. I finally started to accept the fact that I was trans during the same summer my younger brother left on his mission. I realized my desire to know more about hormone therapy and GRS was more than just random curiosity. I decided that I was trans, but that I would continue to present as a cis man since I’m still only attracted to women. I look manly so I could easily just continue to accept this part of myself and not take any medical intervention for it. It was around this time my depression was at its worst. I would make plans for how I would kill myself if my parents died. There was one time I was at the verge of driving my car into one of those highway dividers while getting onto the on ramp, but I pulled away at the last second. I spent a few years deciding that this was just my fate until pretty recently. I’ve finally decided to start speaking with a gender therapist to figure out what I want to do next. I plan on coming out to my brother and a few other friends in the next year or so and my parents a little after that. I don’t really know what the future holds for me. I know this story is kind of a downer, but honestly accepting that I am trans and taking steps to actually address it in the last couple of months has made me happier than I’ve felt in a very long time. I hope that anyone that reads this who is questioning their own identity knows that I love them. I know that God, if He’s up there, loves you, and He would want you to do what is best for yourself. Don’t feel like you need to suppress yourself, that’s not what God is about.

https://transsaintstories.com/7

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Story #6

I’m sixty-five, and I’ve been happily married for forty-four years. We have four children and fourteen grandchildren. I was born and raised in the church and have checked all the boxes. I served a mission to Sydney Australia, married in the Manti Temple, and served in most callings within the ward. I’ve lived in Orem, Utah most of my life. I’m of an age now where memories of my childhood are not many. As best as I can recall, I knew something was different with me. I wanted to play and associate with the girls. I did not understand what all this meant for me. But from that age, I knew that this was not something that anyone could find out about me. So, I buried it. I was filled with shame, guilt, self-loathing and fear. These were my constant companions for the next half-century! This battle about who I was took a very long time to figure out. These feelings would come and overwhelm, and I would battle until I could stuff them away. I would get on with being the best young man, man, husband, and father that I could be. Until the next battle came. It has been relentless. As I grew, so would it. This continued until 2017. I might also add that I was such a terrible person I was not even able to talk to God about my problem. On Valentine’s Day, I knew Encircle was opening its doors in Provo. I knew there was a support group for me. I had never met anyone like me. My secret was still intact. I was beginning to feel the Spirit pushing me to go to Encircle. It was relentless in its efforts. I know it was from my Heavenly Father. He and I both knew I would not survive much longer in my very dark closet. Just one big issue stood in my path. What do I tell my wife where I want to go every Friday night for three hours? I could not come up with a lie. So, on April 12th I summoned every ounce of courage that I could muster and came out to my wife. I am transgender! The whole evening is pretty much a blur. It’s been really hard for my wife and for me. But we have not given up on each other and continue to work together as we move forward in this journey. We have both been blessed immensely. My wife received answers to prayers with overwhelming peace. I was led to listen to others stories, meet people in the LGBTQ+ community (including parents and allies). I have met such amazing and loving people. People who have loved and accepted me. People that I love and admire. So many of them are no longer in the church, and I love and respect them. I break as I realize how they have been treated. Some of the brightest and best! I, too, have struggled to stay— especially after the past two October conferences. I did leave for a few months in 2018. The Spirit keeps convincing me that I need to stay. So, I stay. Last summer, I was prompted to be more visible in my ward. I have not socially transitioned, and my wife and I are still working through that. Anyway, I didn’t know what being visible included and I waited. A few days later I had an encounter with a long time friend and ward member. It included a description of a new member in the ward and how terrible this trans woman looked— she, I mean he, I mean it. I tried to calmly explain the importance of pronouns, but no luck. I talked about my work at Encircle and the Becoming group with trans youth I worked with. Still no luck. So I told him that I was just like her. I’m transgender as well, and I don’t care who knows! Well, my being visible had a direction! Go see this other trans woman, who is beautiful. Go see the Bishop and come out to him. I had already visited with the Stake President and both were really good, positive visits. I have been slowly coming out to select ward members. Then the policy change happened in February. I met with the Stake President again to see how things would work moving forward. As of right now, when church resumes I will be attending Relief Society. All the leadership in the ward know and are supportive. The Elders Quorum President wants my wife and I to share our story in priesthood. We are hoping it can be a fifth Sunday meeting to include a broader audience. So, this is quite a change from the negative messages from conference to feeling so loved and wanted in this ward and stake. So, I stay because my Heavenly Father loves me and has work for me to do. Oh, and we talk now! The shame and self loathing are gone! Such a blessing to have those burdens removed. I hope with all of our efforts, we can have a more Christlike church that truly loves and accepts EVERYONE!

https://transsaintstories.com/6

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Admissions Guidelines!

“I’d like to bear my testimony” is a pg-13, digital, non-profit, queer+religious zine about the experiences of LGBT+ Mormons, presided by Harvey (A trans/queer ex-mo) based on the theme of “That Sunday”, and whatever that means to the contributor. Alternately if a more specific theme is wanted, “Fast/Testimony Sunday”.

If this sounds like something you’d be into contributing to, Read More

Keep reading

[genderexpansivemormons]

What I would say to people who are unfamiliar with nonbinary identities or who want to be allies to the nonbinary community during Nonbinary Awareness Week (Part 1 maybe???)

(Image description: 10 images with an off white background, the images are bordered by purple and yellow flowers and green leaves, every image has purple text with information about nonbinary identities above smaller green text that says "Nonbinary Awareness Week 2020".

The purple text on the images reads:

1) "To be nonbinary means to have a gender identity outside of the socially constructed male and female binary."

2) "In other words, a nonbinary person is an individual whose gender identity is neither exclusively or entirely man nor woman."

3) "Some nonbinary people experience their gender as fluid and changing, some have more than one gender, and others have no gender at all".

4) "The term nonbinary is only one of the many words that exist to describe genders outside the binary. Other gender identity terms include genderqueer, agender, and genderfluid".

5) "Nonbinary people are everywhere, we are a part of every community. There are many simple ways to support the nonbinary people in your life".

6) "Respect a nonbinary person's chosen name, use the correct pronouns, use gender neutral language, and work to make the spaces in your community gender neutral and inclusive."

7) "There is no one way to be nonbinary and every nonbinary person's experience is unique. Some people medically transition and some do not, some change their names and some do not".

8) "Many nonbinary people have other marginalized identities as well. Center the voices of multiply marginalized nonbinary people, especially nonbinary people of color and nonbinary disabled people."

9) "Transphobia and cissexism have harmful impacts on the lives of nonbinary people. Challenge trans and nonbinary exclusionism wherever you encounter them. Silence is complicity."

10) "Listen to and amplify nonbinary voices. Nonbinary people are the experts on our own lives and experiences.")

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Story #5

My name is Valerie Nicole Green. I am a transgender woman who remains active in the church. I am widowed as of 2016 after 34 years of marriage. I have five children and six grandchildren. At my request, I am still known as “father” and “grandfather” to them. I knew from my earliest memories that I was different, though I probably could not have told you that I was living a life in the wrong gender. I didn't understand it. Around the age of 10, I learned, as a result of my love for tennis and reading a story about Dr. Renee Richards (the first, and as far as I know, only professional transgender women tennis player), that social and physical transition were possible. I knew then that that's what I wanted in life, but was also acutely aware that it was unlikely to happen. My mother always "knew." As a young single mother of two small boys she was doing everything she could to raise us as well as she could. I remember several talks in which she asked me to stop dressing in her clothes. She bought Skousen's "So You Want to Raise a Boy" and would have me read passages from it. I am certain that she bought this book because of her concerns for me. I have no memory of what those passages said. I just remember these sessions with my mom. I bear her no ill will for how she handled things. She was doing the best she could. There's no way to know how she would have worked with a group like Mama Dragons if it existed then. She passed away in 2018. So I lived an approximation of a normal Mormon boy's life. Boy Scouts, scout camp, Aaronic Priesthood, Melchizedek Priesthood, etc. My wife and I married and were sealed in the Washington DC temple at 18 (no mission for either of us) because someone was dumb enough to tell us that we couldn't. We started our family, raising five children, and lived what appeared to be a common Mormon life. My wife had no idea that I was transgender. In the mid-90s we were in couples counseling (because we lived a normal Mormon life, not a perfect Mormon life) and my therapist challenged me to document who I was. Not what I do, not what I find interesting, but who I am. Scary stuff, that. I finally realized that the secret I had harbored for so many years needed to come to light. Over the next couple of weeks I finally shed all of the guilt and shame that had been heaped upon me by both church and society. I finally revealed myself to her and to my wife. For now, we'll just say that things were rocky for a bit and compromises were reached. Part of that meant that I lived as a closeted crossdresser for the next 20+ years. The kids were not informed because we did not want our children to have to keep secrets about their parents and we were not making any of this public. As recently as the spring of 2018 I thought I might still live this dual life. But one evening as I was sitting in an outdoor theater waiting for a play to start, enjoying Valerie time, I looked around and realized that "this" was right. It was time to shed the facade I had created and lived behind for my protection and that of my family for so many decades. I informed family, church, and work. I socially transitioned at home immediately, letting the kids know that I would no longer be anyone but myself in my own home. I let work know that my transition date there would be January 1, 2019. I told church the same thing, but since they decided to impose membership restrictions immediately (in August of 2018), I transitioned there without waiting. My ward has been amazing. It took some of them a little while, but there were some members who were immediately on board. I've been told of the conversations that occurred both at church and in homes. Questions were asked and allies responded. This was happening in the background without my knowledge. I have never felt anything but love and acceptance from my ward members. Even the leaders who were the messengers of my restrictions were kind and loving. I don't for a second believe that they agreed with any of them. That was an entirely institutional thing. One thing of note is that my RS President became an advocate. She worked within my restrictions to include me in every way she could. She let it be known to the Bishopric that my presence was welcome in RS. Since I could not be assigned visiting teachers, she made certain that I was assigned a ministering couple rather than ministering brothers. When she explained why to the couple assigned to me, their response was "That's the best reason I've ever heard for assigning a couple." When the new handbook came out, finally codifying a policy for transgender member participation, she contacted me within hours to let me know that she had already contacted the Bishopric to request that I be allowed to attend RS meetings and activities. The Bishop called me just a few days later to officially invite me to Relief Society. I thanked him through tears. My RS President has been a perfect example of ministering to a transgender member. I can't thank her enough. So here I am. A 56-year-old transgender lesbian woman. I am an ordained High Priest. I have been a Ward Executive Secretary, an Elder's Quorum President, a High Priest Group Leader, a Ward Financial Clerk, a Stake Financial Auditor, etc. (The church has been ordaining women for decades, they just didn't know it.) I finally found the rest of the LGBTQ+ Mormon members. Like most of us, I had no idea that we were around in such numbers. I also had no idea there were so many allies within the church. As I mentioned to my Bishop, when someone comes to him or anyone in his position and informs him that they are a member of the LGBTQ+ community, he has no official resources to give them for support and to help them thrive as a queer member who wishes to remain fully active in the church. Since I will always obviously be transgender, I have made it one of my missions to be visible and to be a support to those who may be struggling. Whether that struggle is understanding of self, understanding of family members (especially spouses), how and when to come out, or how to thrive either within or without the organization of the church, I will do what I can to help— always bearing in mind that I'm no mental health professional. A friend of mine, Second Counselor in our Stake Presidency, made this comment as he was releasing me from my last calling. He said, "I understand you will be navigating the gospel and unique and interesting ways." Truer words were never spoken.

https://transsaintstories.com/story5

[genderexpansivemormons]

Story #1

I’m not sure what my gender is. I was AMAB, and I'm potentially bigender, potentially female, potentially still male. IDK. The main thing that is making it so wildly confusing for me comes from how I was raised in an LDS culture. I was told constantly that young men needed to step it up, ask girls out, that young women were these practically perfect princesses, daughters of God, etc., and that young men were these pervy little creeps who if they worked really hard could become worthy of love and redemption. That wasn't to say women didn't go through plenty of their own shit, if not much more. But for me personally, being raised as a young man in the Church is responsible for most of my self-esteem issues, since I didn't ever feel like a young man the way I was "supposed" to. At the same time, I was feeling awful about myself because the stereotypes I did fit (especially being very sexual as a teenager, using porn, etc.) were ones I fit to a T, and the ones that people said were the worst. So I constantly hate(d) myself— both the parts of me that fit into female gender roles, and the parts that fit into male gender roles. Most of all, I hate(d) that I couldn't fix myself to fit into either. This is relevant because it has made exploring my gender very confusing. I can't tell if I want to be a girl because I feel like I am one, or if it's being skewed by other things. Like how I don't identify with the traits that the Church has always told me men should have— being strong and tough and acting on people and being controlling and independent. Or how I have seen the way I act (dependent, emotional, etc.; all things I have self-esteem issues about), and believe that means I should be treated how the church treats women (read: punished, the self-hatred coming out). I think it's led to cravings to be objectified, looked down on, and assisted to a fault, the way that women are in the Church. So I don't know if my gender dysphoria is "real" or not (or if that even matters), and I have no idea how to untangle it from the self-hatred that came with the gender roles people in church have been preaching to me my whole life. Some of this is societal, for sure, and not just coming from Church. In fact, I think pretty much all of it exists within American culture at large. But I think it's way, way, worse in the Church. And to top it all off, I don't want it to turn out that I am trans or bigender, because even with as supportive family and friends as I have, many of them (including my parents) would never accept me for who I accept myself as.

https://transsaintstories.com/story1