georjaranas

[georjaranas]

Surprise, surprise!

I feel different lately - sad, tired, worried, stressed and even food doesn't excite me anymore. Based on my symptoms, I might be sick. I hate my job. I hate what I am doing and also hate the fact that there are things that I can't do. I hate that I am at this point where I am questioning life and it's purpose. 

If not because of my husband and our pets, I could be a bubble ready to burst at any moment now.

After some weeks it just gets worse and I just realized that I am a month delayed. Now it makes sense, I might be pregnant. But it also doesn't make any sense at this point, like how can I be worthy of carrying life inside this womb when before this happens I am questioning about life itself. 

Despite not being sure of the answers, I can already imagine how bright the light at the end of this dark tunnel could be. Still, I am afraid.

Heading on our 2nd month, my husband doesn't have any idea of it all yet. Some nights for me are sleepless which make me want to stare at his bare face. I felt sorry. He woke up seeing me crying. That time I got the chance to tell him why I am acting weird lately. This is our long-term dream, however I am just surprised how it came sooner than expected; that I emphasize. 

"I rather have a baby, even this soon. I'll be happy if it is a baby. Let's not think that something's wrong with you or you are sick."

3rd month, Funny it is when we were almost arguing when taking the PT. It's our first time, that's our excuse. Besides, I'm always the aligaga and he's the chill one whenever we are up to something. I'm the "ano na, pano, hindi ako marunong?!" And he is the "naiinis ka e iihi ka lang naman"

Doing the test felt like tossing a coin. I just wished that we are worthy of whichever lands in our hands. Two lines appeared just after 3 seconds of waiting.

This is our ultrasound at 4th month, we thought that it was the perfect time to tell our parents, relatives and a few close friends about the good news. My husband and I both decided to make the situation as intimate as possible. Pregnancy is the most wonderful yet challenging milestone we consider and  I don't want unsolicited advice and unnecessary comments to add up to the pile.

Our baby is still small in size but I can feel its heartbeat getting louder than my worries.

I still feel sick every morning entering our fifth month. Husband wanted me to rest from work. I stopped...for 2weeks. I was stubborn and decisive of helping my husband in providing everything for us. Fortunately, I got gigs online that kept me busy for a while. Somehow, I did not imagine that I can be this happy working. 

There was this excitement every day doing the tasks that I am skilled at. I always thank my husband and the baby in my thoughts. If not because of me being pregnant I  still might have to see people at work I am sick seeing up until now. Haha!

I am getting better by our 6th month. But still, I hate the smell of pansit canton. I always crave for "tinapay" and "buko juice". We were lucky to have our elders in giving us advice. There’s a lot of “pamahiin” a long the way. 

One time I told my husband, "hindi naman pala totoo yung kapag nalakdawan kita ikaw ang magtatamlayin.." He just replied, "paano mo naman nasabi e lagi nga akong tamlayin sa office." Haha!

7 months. We started to invest in our baby's necessity. I had to admit, they are expensive. 

I was so proud of my husband, the fact that he had a lot of things in mind back then that he planned for himself but rather give priorities for things that are not for him but for the baby. I can see a responsible, loving and cool father in the making already. 

Love is selfless, indeed.

This is my tummy at 8 months. Husband wanted me to play his guitar every once in a while. He just thought that if I do it while the baby is inside me it will  make her know how to "sepra" already by the time that she's born. Haha!

Yes. It's a girl!

A lot of our friends were asking us before about our plans of having a baby. I remember us giving them a chuckle as an answer that we don't want to rush things.

We are patient until the time that we are ready; which for me means cleaning a house that we can claim our own, having the 5th page of my bank book ready for a deposit stamp, his guitar, effects and amplifier sitting in our car's compartment, chugging a gallon of coffee because I have a lesson to catch up for my Master's Degree, my husband popping  bubble wraps from his new set of Gaming PC, spoiling our dogs and cat with chicken meat, late-night jams with friends telling them how secure we are with our day jobs and that we are seeing ourselves doing it until we are old and grey.

Too good to be true, those were perfect pictures of being ready I thought of before. None of it is a reality compared to what iare happening now. No house, no car, no bubble wraps, I am not taking my Master’s, Sardinas is what our pets mostly eat, we are still in the process of determining a career to establish. True enough, the only thing that we have is each other plus our baby.

I am on my 9th month now. My body changed a lot - heavier, darker, swollen and marked but I feel purposeful and more ambitious. Remember the pictures I told earlier, this time imagine it with our little one beside us; beyond beautiful, right?

I cannot express in words how we can't wait to see how close she looks like my husband and  caress every lines and curve of her dainty body. We are excited to call her by her name and to hear her cry, laugh, squeak and until she can hit notes and sing. As I have finished packing our hospital bag, I want to think that we are ready.

Nothing can hold us back now.