gesuka

[gesuka]

LET IT FLOOD LET IT WASH AWAY made in paint shop pro 90 for a little nostalgia trip :] (photo cr: madison walters)

[gesuka]

i know waiting is worthless, she's out somewhere with a new user, yes waiting for her is useless, she'll probably having fun with other people more than me anyways, yes, waiting for her is killing me inside, but, love is all about timing, hope, and patience depending on how much you loves someone, i love this girl till death from start to finish no matter how much life knocks me down over, kills me back and forth, i will stood no matter how much, i don't care if it's me being delusional, i don't care anymore, until she go straight to my face said those word to break us up, i will not give up, i dont want to at all, i dont want her to fade away so suddenly without even telling me so i cant at all, its hard to say goodbye to someone i grow so close with its so unfair, its so so so so unfairrrrr... darling if you think we're done please just tell me so i don't wanna wait for you anymore, i can and i will but i dont wanna wait for someone who's i love so much now drops me off in a random place out of nowhere its hard you know, my one and only sayyy... she saved me from this living hell, shes my heroooooo.......... agh fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk ugh, ill waits....despite it, ill wait....and waits... i think she'll be gone for a couple months, thats no biggie, i can at least live up to my 20s... i think i can wait for her that long, ill wait for my hero.....my loveee..

[gesuka]

i cherishes her love letters to me dearly. i cherished them so much when she does it, it's not often like i do makes for her, so everytime she does so, it's just so special to me

[gesuka]

I’m watching nana… to, maybe waste time while waiting for her…but whenever Hachi shows up I can’t stop thinking about her… it’s literally her and like, I dunno, her cosplay of Hachi looks like her and I just cries everytime I see Hachiko now… ugh… espically that carnival outfit… I can’t look away, she shown me her in that costume and I just cried when it shows up

it sounds stupid I know but when this one outfit shows up I cried so much the entire day I think for about 40 minutes straight cuz it reminded me of her so much ya know, if she sees this she probsbly thinks it’s funny of me or something…

then I doodled her in that outfit, that’s not hachiko of course… it’s her…

And omg that line from the show.. "hey hachi, no matter how much or how often people hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste. that love letter you left for me back then, i still cherish it." fuckk man I’m crying now even typing it out I wish if she would’ve want us to be over at least come back and tell me so right?!? Fuckkk man I mean I didn’t even send her my full love letters only a single one because I forgot it but if she gets it does she cherishes it like Osaki do…uvhhh I don’t wanna type anymore .

[gesuka]

goddamn it beside from the plan i post poned today i made the best chicken teriyaki ever it's so damn tender i might die from this instead nomnonmnonmonmnom

[gesuka]

damn im really all talk arent iiiiiiii i cant do it, beside there was like a chicken here for some reason i cant do it right now, i havent heard from her yet, im kinda worried actually, so, ill just go back

[gesuka]

I just read a Garfield comic about him meeting and then separating from his mama and it's just so, ughhhhhh... I'm sorry for making promise I made but, I'll postpone my plans for a bit...maybe I'll recover...

[gesuka]

Had a dream about her as usual, but this time it's weird.. really in depth... I was there with her, I asked "do you still love me" she said "a bit" then I said "well I still do a lot. Even if it was like that" she said "yeah" and then I told her "in 4 years I wondered if you'd still think the same of me" she said " maybe I will" and I started crying in the dream and said like "Ill be waiting for you, forever if I had to" then she holds my hands and then fuckin I woke up at 10 pm remembering her gaze upon me in that dream...might rethink my suicide plan now.. gosh

[gesuka]

I might be all talk and be too cowardice to cut **thoroughly** onto my wrist tommrow but if I do here some trauma I wanna listed about myself

1. Way back in first grade a buncha kids bullied me to the point where one day they shoved like baby frogs inside my mouth, I remember they were moving into my mouth when like an old guy started walking over and push them out, my friend said it was like a movie scene I said damn straight, that dude was awesome man, turns out he lived nearby and was like a retired teacher or something I met him like 5 times after first grade then he died due to old age somewhere in 2014 I think. Fourth grade, tough, I liked him.

2. Back when I was younger I wanted to pirate this game I been wanting to have for so long, did it, played it, and then like at the fourth day in my screen turned black and the wallpaper changed into those dude with anonymous mask and I got scared shitless hahah.

3. When I was in another state or a mountain area where my family was gonna like take vacation on we stumbled upon this abandoned house and they thought it was cool to get in and explore, I stayed outside and I swearrr the windows being shut and open over and over gaves me chills.

4. One time while I was going home to school with my grandma on her motorbike we found a car crash scene and I remembered my grandma saying "danggggg oh shit is that blood, hey Kai don't look, cover your eyes" I didn't and I saw a guy or a girl with a motorcycle helmet and with like...bloods and maybe some brains out on the concrete floor... Never told anyone this, I wasn't trying to remember until recently... Maybe my current state is forcing me to remember something so I'd get over this quicker (not working) gosh thinking about I got into alot of traffic incident too...

5. One time my brother had on a son Goku mask (the monkey) and like hop hop around like he was possessed and cornered me and I got so frightened I developed a bit of a fear for monkeys....

There's still a lil some more but I can't write anymore 😭

[gesuka]

Gonna make a big pot of gyodon ommrow, I'll eat alot and look at her photos alot too, then I'll go to the empty lot next to my house and kill myself there, I just need more sake and mirin though

[gesuka]

Hm

[gesuka]

I'm thinking about ending it tommrow, house got a lot of sharp tools and my ma and brother gonna go somewhere, I got the time to, at least die somewhere, oh, but my favorite song right now is Abby by mitski...just reminds me of myself right now honestly hahah

[gesuka]

It's been a week... I miss her... Does she thinked of me...did she laughed at me knowing she's freed from me maybe she's with her friend ya know, at least let her be happier than when she's with me right, but I'm miserable but at the end, I think it's best for her if she's just doesn't feel like I exist anymore I always felt like I bring the mood down every time we talked ya know, even when she said she loves me I got an itching feeling, but I'd shrug it off cuz u was happy, now it's her turn... Hopes she can get a better man, or a girl at least, anyone other than me is the best for her, I'm such a wreck

[gesuka]

[gesuka]

But ok there's sometime I get something on like a jacket and a hat, cover my face and kids would say "hey uncle" (uncle is used for the age range of 20-40s) DUDE SHUT UP IM GONNA LOSE IT AND ONE TIME A BABY CALLED ME A HOMELESS BUM CUZ I HAD LONG HAIR AND A JACKET.

[gesuka]

Sometimes my voice changed, no not deep, it's just, I sounds like a kid and like 15 year old kids in around my campus always come by me and said "hey wassup" and they're not supposed to do that cuz when they see an actual 18 year old dudes they always said "uh, hi big bro" or whatever I look and sounds like a 14 year old dude like 😭😭 IM AT LEAST ON THE BOTTOM OF THE BARRELS IN THE SCHOOL HEIGHT CHART OF EVERYONES IN THE SCHOOL TOO... 5'6....

[gesuka]

Should I dye my hair blonde when I get my own apartment.. someone said I'm as dumb as those stupid anime blonde boys sometime and it got me saying like "shit would it looked good on me..."