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Down to 393.9!!!!! This is the lowest I’ve been in months. I had been bouncing anywhere between 398 and 409 since I started a few months ago but recently I really buckled down on my diet to be high protein low carb and lo and behold!!

I would LOVE to be in at least the 380s by my surgery date! I was like….376 last May when I was trying to lose weight for a corgi puppy (I made a bet with mom if I lost 50 I could get one - still paid for by myself but permission to have a dog in their house) but my highest at that point had only been 402.

My highest now has been 419. So I’ve lost back below my previous highest weight by almost ten pounds now. I’m feeling it too. I feel that progress. It’s awesome. I can’t wait for surgery at this point.

My doctor only requires clear liquids for two days before surgery and high protein for two weeks before but I’ve been doing high protein for a couple months now. So I think I’ll do full or clear liquids for two weeks before surgery to make sure my liver is shrunken af. I’m so worried he’ll get in there and it’ll still be too big and he’ll close me back up.

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Stomach: (growls)

Me: Incorrect.

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When I was having issues with self-harm in my teenage years....

I used to want to just rip my stomach off. I often fantasized about what it would be like to just tear it away like the pregnant Barbie I had once upon a time. I felt like I had a skinny girl inside of me being suffocated by my fat that I just needed to birth by force. And I still feel that way sometimes.

But recently, with the new developments in my life and the closer I get to surgery, I’ve had a lot of introspective moments with my body. Times when I’m home alone taking a slew of before pictures, sure I’ll want to see every angle of every roll that I normally avoid when the time comes that I can’t recall what they looked like. Times when I’m lying in bed and rest my arm over my tummy, stroke it and talk to it. It’s always been there, I’ve ALWAYS carried most of my weight in my stomach. It’s part of PCOS weight distribution. So to lose it feels like losing an old friend. One that was pretty toxic and never wanted to go out and do anything, but a friend nonetheless. A soft friend, a sensitive one, my shield from the world in a way.

And I just remembered being oh...ten or so? Maybe a bit older but not by much I’m sure. And being on a genealogy trip with my grandma and great aunt. And making my belly talk via squeezing and squishing at my belly button. I named him George. And cracked them up daily with my antics.

It’s going to be weird not having George anymore. To see and feel him shrink day by day. To have his very insides carved out. To trace the new scars on his face already riddled with the pink stretching stripes. To hold him even as he shrivels and collapses in on himself. It’ll be a strange but necessary goodbye.

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Made these handy guides to put on my fridge!!!

I kept losing my paper from the doctor that had everything written down and I wanted something I could look at quick.

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Excuse the mess on my dresser, I’ve got a bunch of stuff pulled out to be shipped to my giveaway winners from my littlespace blog so it’s a wreck right now.

Soooo

this is a goal shirt I’ve had for legit almost ten years now. I got it in a Hot Topic in an outlet mall in Las Vegas when I went there with my friend and her parents the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school.

It’s a 2X in HT girls sizes (so really more like a 1X or Large cause they run small) and I got it at the time thinking it would fit because I wore a 2X then (and am a 5-6X now…). However it didn’t because of the aforementioned smaller sizing. So I kept it anyway and told myself 8.5 years ago “it’ll fit once we lose some weight” and it never did because I never did. I just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

So today I dug it out of my closet - it’s been with me through three moves since I bought it - and put it on. It was a snug tiny laughable crop top as you can see from the pictures. This will be my goal shirt. The day I can fit in this shirt easily and flatteringly will be the day I’m satisfied with my weight loss.

I can remember feeling like a beached whale back then at a 2X when it didn’t fit. But I was actually the healthiest I’ve ever been - even when I weighed less the years before that I was in better physical shape from JROTC my first two years of high school. So that’s my goal. 230 or less. My ultimate goal weight may be closer to 175 which is what I weighed in 8th grade.

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Goals & Rewards (Post-Surgery)

🧚🏻‍♀️5 lbs - Coloring Book

🧚🏻‍♀️10 lbs - New protein product (& @ every 10)

🧚🏻‍♀️15 lbs - Bento Box

🧚🏻‍♀️20 lbs - New Stuffie

🧚🏻‍♀️25 lbs - Workout clothes

🧚🏻‍♀️30 lbs - Get license

🧚🏻‍♀️40 lbs - New sheets

🧚🏻‍♀️50 lbs - Dye hair auburn

🧚🏻‍♀️60 lbs - Camera for vlogging

🧚🏻‍♀️75 lbs - Clothing purge + Five new outfits

🧚🏻‍♀️100 lbs - Car (if I don’t have one already)

🧚🏻‍♀️125 lbs - New wardrobe

🧚🏻‍♀️150 lbs - GET A FUCKIN PUPPY

Sometime during/after this - Disney World??

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List of things I’m looking forward to as I lose weight

1) Gauging my shrinkage by how easily I fit in the seats at work. Right now I’m flush with the arms but some of my coworkers can sit two at a time cause they are SMOL so to reach a happy medium would be noice.

2) Shopping for lingerie at Victoria’s Secret like my skinny friend in college when I had to use the coupon she gave me to buy a perfume/lotion gift set cause it’s the only thing I could really get.

3) Shopping for a bathing suit in the store!! And!! It!! Fitting!!

4) General clothes shopping tbh. I always said I hate shopping for clothes but really it’s just because nothing ever fits. I love shopping online at torrid. So to have an in store experience somewhere will be nice.

5) Being able to sit with my knees to my chest or at least together when seated instead of splayed out because of my tummy or thighs being in the way.

6) Fitting in the bathtub without touching the sides and making a human dam. And then spoiling myself with bathbombs and bubble bars.

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A post from my little blog that’s true here too tbh! At my intake for surgery approval, following my psych evaluation, it was recommended that I seek further counseling. And I KNEW I needed to but was just so scared to tbh, like I saw my family doctor who I’ve been seeing for years now to get my diagnoses and medication to help because I wasn’t brave enough for therapy but knew something was “wrong” and had been for a long time and if I didn’t get SOMETHING to help “fix” me that I didn’t think I could make it another year honestly.

It took having my surgery held over my head and being scared I wouldn’t be approved if I didn’t see a therapist to kick my ass into gear and see one. And I was so fucking glad I did. My therapist is phenomenal and I’m not religious or spiritual in the least but it was just meant to be that she’s who I got 😭 I felt so comfortable with her right away, and supported, and heard. And she had a Harry Potter cauldron mug and I just. Knew I had found a safe haven instantly. I can’t wait to sink into her couch in a few days and unload all that’s been on my mind in the last couple of weeks.

I’ll probably show her this blog tbh. Cause one of the things she’s supposed to focus on helping me with is the psych issues that will come with surgery/exacerbate the ones I already have. What better journal than this thought dump I’ve started lol

I just remembered my next therapy appointment is this coming Wednesday and got so excited.

I’m going to cry at that realization. Like.

I never thought I would be to this point in my mental health where I’m eager to see a therapist and talk things out and address issues and share with her.

A month ago, a year ago, three years ago? No way. Gosh. Just.

It gets better guys I promise just hold on tight ❤️

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Or 398 to 320 something lol my 70 lbs lost is going to be some people’s highest weight

The frustrations of going from 327lbs to 285lbs

You’re still obese just less obese 

You say you lost over 40 lbs and “oh really??” is the response 

Your weight right now exceeds most people’s highest weights by far 

Your clothes fit better but it goes unnoticed or unnoted 

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My Reasons for Losing Weight

For My Health

To have better skin

So I don’t sweat profusely

So I can walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath

So my back won’t hurt

So my knee won’t hurt 

So my doctor will never say, “you really need to lose some weight” to me ever again

So I don’t have to worry about arthritis or other illnesses that accompany obesity

For Vanity

To feel better about myself

To look good in tight clothes

To be able to wear shorts in the summer

To be able to go into any store, and buy the clothes I like, not just the ones that fit

To not feel awkward about going clothes shopping or shoe shopping

To be able to order clothes from a catalogue without worrying if they will fit

To be able to wear something that doesn’t say PLUS on it

So my pants won’t wear out between my legs while the rest of them are still in good shape

So I can look in the mirror from the neck down and like what I see

So I can wear tight jeans

I want to wear underwear that looks sexy

So I can show off my legs

So I can go into public and not feel like people are judging me

So I can wear tops without worrying about the dents from my bra showing trough

So that my boobs stick out more than my stomach – not the other way around

For a Better Quality of Life

To be able to use a public toilets comfortably

I want to be able to read the scale by just looking down, straight down

So I don’t get those indents on my thighs from the arms of the chair I’m sitting in

So I can cross my legs

So I can get up from the floor in one smooth move and not a grab and hold on to something move

So I can sit on a bar stool and I’m actually sitting ON it, not on it and around it too

So a regular towel goes all the way around me 

So my socks pull all the way up

So I can hug my knees to my chest again, and it’s comfortable

So I can fit into the cinema/stadium/airplane seats comfortably

So I can bend over comfortably to tie my shoes

For My Self-esteem

So I can go swimming without being self-conscious

So I don’t worry about chairs breaking

So I don’t have to ask for the additional seat belt on an airplane

So I can dance without being self-conscious

So I can go on rides at amusement parks again and not have to experience the embarrassment of having to get off because I don’t fit

So I don’t have to worry about the maximum weight before I using things

So I don’t feel awkward when people start talking about losing weight

So no one can ever call me “a big girl” ever again

So I’m not embarrassed to have my picture taken

So I can say my weight out loud

So furniture doesn’t groan when I sit on it, or wear out long before it should because I’m too heavy

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Problems You Want to Have

1. Underpants too big to stay put

2. Glasses falling off your face cause even that has gotten smaller

3. Rings need to be worn on different fingers

4. Cold all the time

5. Get full from about 4 ounces of anything

6. Get drunk fast; sober up even faster

7. Wide calf boots are baggy

8. Old flats are too stretched out to stay on feet

9. Hormonal mood swings from fat breaking down

10. Funky AF BO from ketosis 

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Pork rinds are getting me through my two week high protein food journal.

I fucking live for chips and eat them with my meals...like it just makes it feel complete.

(Turkey on whole grain bread) Sandwich? Put chips on it. (Boiled boneless skinless) Chicken tenders? Eat some chips with it. Snack time? Have some chips. Fuckin love chips. But I can’t have them.

So my salty crunchy solution has been pork rinds - still in moderation but it helps those chip cravings.

My mom - who is currently six months post-op herself - came home from IGA yesterday with literally six bags of pork rinds for us both. Bless. Her. Heart. Like sometimes she absolutely kills me but other times it’s like “oh yeah. You bug me cause you love me.” 😂

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Happy Thoughts

Highest weight: 353       Surgery weight 1/8/18: 304       Current weight: 277

So that means 27 lbs lost in month since surgery. 76 lbs lost overall.

2/10/2018 - So I have been trying to keep my spirits up. Decided to look for good things, no mater how small, that I can celebrate.

My stomach used to rub against the steering wheel when I drove. Now there is about a 3 inch gap.

I am able to get down and kneel on the floor without having to hold onto something on my way down or up.

I have retired 8 pair of pants that are too big to wear (with several more getting close).

My feet no longer hurt at the end of the day. No swelling either.

I have been sleeping all through the night a lot lately.

The fat roll on the back of my head it gone (It wasn’t very big but I knew it was there.)

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Big non scale victory, crossing my legs!!!!

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Regular physical activity is one of the most important things you can do for your health. It can help

Control your weight

Lower your risk of heart disease

Lower your risk for type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome

Lower your risk of some cancers

Strengthen your bones and muscles

Improve your mental health and mood

Improve your ability to do daily activities and prevent falls, if you’re an older adult

Increase your chances of living longer

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Things I won’t miss about being the size I am now (nsfw language and content warning)

1) Not being able to wipe my own ass

2) Not being able to finger myself

3) Having to use the handicap entrance at turnstiles

4) Getting out of breath just rolling over in bed

5) Taking naughty pictures of my body and needing a selfie stick to fit it in the frame

6) So. Much. Sweat. I stink.

7) High blood pressure even on meds

8) Needing the fat arm blood pressure cuff or having the normal one used on my forearm

9) Telling nurses to keep going when they put the old fashioned scale at the 300 mark like “that’ll cover it” and it’s not even close.

10) Hover-sitting on flimsy looking folding chairs and wooden seats

11) Strategically getting up from picnic tables first so I don’t flip

12) I haven’t sat normally at said picnic tables in ages anyway. My belly is too big. So not being able to sit at a picnic table.

13) The feeling of panic when your friends answer “booth!” To the dreaded booth or table question and just hoping the tables move.

14) Sitting in the back of our local theater on the weird leather couch thing that’s intended for guests with people in wheelchairs

15) Having to use the handicapped stall like an asshole because I can’t physically fit in another one.

16) That weird moment when you’re next in line in the bathroom and a stall opens up but it’s NOT the big one so you have to sheepishly tell the person behind you that they can go ahead.

17) Not fitting in the seats for pedicures comfortably anymore and having a sore knee afterward and not feeling relaxed at all because of how long you had to force your feet onto the narrow basin at the same time. I haven’t been since July 2017 cause it was so embarrassing and painful.

18) My anxiety having ammo for anything from how much I’m getting in my Chinese buffet to-go container to the way people look at me in the store. Oh my god the intrusive thoughts I have about what they MUST be thinking.

19) Being my marine brother’s fat dumpy out of shape sister. The little laugh I get from people who have taken my family info at every appointment I’ve had over the last few months kills me that they too see the irony in my parents producing a garden slug Jabba the hut and the pinnacle of all-American fitness.

20) Not being able to wear seatbelts in cars or needing the extender on planes and having to pull it ALL the way out to make it fit.

And lots more but 20 seems like a good stopping point for now.