getting-there-takes-time

[getting-there-takes-time]

Relapse

I am no longer clean of cutting but it’s okay it happens it doesn’t mean its over. I’m going to get better. I want you to know it’s okay to fuck up it doesn’t make you worthless. No one is worthless. Try your best not to screw up again try to get some help and remember that in the long run the cutting doesn’t help. If you want to try and distract yourself try your best. And if you fail start trying again because I love you and I wan’t you to survive. So please survive tonight.  

[getting-there-takes-time]

Here

Sometimes you don’t feel sad or happy. sometimes you’re just here. In the middle of it all the world rushes and races around you and you just sit. You feel numb. Well I am here and I’m sure a lot of you are too. we’ll all get out of here eventually but for now here is where we are. So understand your limits and try to relax a bit. Take care of yourself.

[getting-there-takes-time]

Him

God why does it always happen. I think I’m finally over you and coping with the way you treated me and I hear something from a friend. She said you’d wondered if I was okay. How could you wonder that. You don’t care about me you cheated and you lied. You have no right to care. I don’t want to even be on your mind and I want you out of mine. The truth is I hate you. I hate you for everything you’ve done. But I hate myself more. I hate myself for letting you in and I hate myself for believing your lies. Your lies were so intricate we all believed you. I believed you when you said you loved me. I believed you when you said you cared. I believed you when you told me lies about her. I believed you when you said he was just your friend. You left me and four days later you’re with him. You say you are in love with him. You are a liar. You don’t love him you barely  knew him. You are to busy talking about yourself to get to know anyone. Why can’t I get away from you. You’re horrible and your heart is stone cold. I don’t want you to hurt your partners. I’m worried that you are going to make them feel the way I do. I feel awful. I feel destroyed. I wasted two years on you. I wasted two years on someone who ended up hurting me. You never cared. You probably don’t even remember my favorite movie. You didn’t care enough to ask what it was so you probably don't even know.  Could you name five people in my life other than yourself who help me. All you did and do is shove your problems onto others and then say you are dealing with too much to handle ours. I want to forget you and I want to erase you from every corner of my brain. I made the worst mistake of my life. I fell in love with a monster.

[getting-there-takes-time]

Parts

I hate the body I live in it’s just not who I am. I hate feeling okay and then just a gentle brush of a reminder that they are there. When I realize my brain just moves all focus to the fact that my body is wrong. 

it’s wrong I hate it I hate it I HATE IT. I want to leave my skin please just let me out it hurts. I want to pull my skin off I want to tear my body to shreds. If i could shove myself into a wood chipper. I want to skin myself I just I hate this. 

[getting-there-takes-time]

36 days

I am 36 days clean and It might not seem like a lot but to me it is. 36 days without cutting. I made it through everything that happened the last 36 days without opening a wound. If you are struggling with self harm just remember I believe in you. You can stop and you can heal. It’s gonna be okay. How do I know because you are strong and powerful even at your weakest. You made it here I believe you can get better because you are strong. whoever needs to here this you are loved. 

[getting-there-takes-time]

Good Morning

I made it to the next day and if you did to I’m glad. To some it might not seem like a lot but the next day is an accomplishment. All you need sometimes is one more day to see the beauty of things. My journey is no where near over and the pain is still there. I’m here though aren’t I. I gave myself the chance to experience the next day. This day could be better or worse but if I died I wouldn’t have been able to find out. I am alive today and so are you, be proud and keep on chugging.

[getting-there-takes-time]

Stay.

I just want to be dead but I can’t. I need to survive I need to see what’s out there. I need to get the chance and If I kill myself here I can’t do that. Just a little bit longer and you’ll be able to live as who you are completely. She might think she’s helping but she makes everything worse. She doesn’t understand me but I do. I know I have to survive. When I get out of here I’ll live as Adrian. For real and completely. I know who I am and I know what I want to be. My name is Adrian and I am a boy. I will be that because it’s just who I am. I can’t help the way I fell and I can’t help who I am. So here right now I will survive. I will not kill myself. I will get out of bed. I will stand up for who I am and what I believe in.  The people who hurt me are not the people I need. The people I love care and they know I have it in me to make it just like I know I have it in me. I am here for a reason and I’m going to stay here to find out what that reason is.