geuninegladness

[geuninegladness]

hello, old friend.

those dreary, weary eyes singed with red.

the bubbly nose and breath caught in the throat.

the shaky and clammy hands.

the tension sliding up the neck.

--

it has been a while - and not just a moderately long while, but a longlonglong while. seven years? right, maybe? a long time since the clock kept screwing towards midight and I let tears keep going and falling and going and falling until I ran dry.

--

I am no longer dry.

I have a reservoir of eight years stored inside me.

it is a cavern we need torches for.

in we go.

--

the water is salty but clear, a bit warm but mostly cool on the cheeks.

--

this reservoir is filled with small moments and really really big ones!

to save my current self the shattering, I'll leave them for another time.

for now, I offer up: you don't try, you stopped trying. (these, and the ones following, are your words.) I am the victim and things are too hard and they're against me. our communication problems are the result of having very different brains.

(the words following, these are Mine)

the dog had slipped into a dream on top of my feet. I can feel the tiny twitches of the paws and drags of the whiskers back and forth. she is warm, and she is my comfort tonight.

I am here, this is now, and everything feels like I don't belong. I am an imposter o ly trying to love my life, but who's life is it really?

it's not mine, of course it's yours! yes, I'll navigate all the friendships we have, plan every trip we take, deep dive on trauma (only to get told that I become more the victim as I do!). it's all futile and pointless b cause absolutely no one says thank you. absolutely no one says I love you.

absolutely no one cares that this Really Big thing happened earlier this year and it's real and bad and ugly and hard to process and no body is checking in and saying ARE YOU FUCKING OKAY?

I am so tired of supporting other people and receiving so little in return.

I am so tired of, if there is a return, it becoming backhanded, selfish, argumentative, or mostly coddling.

I am so tired of doing this all on my own. I cannot.

--

I am not in my own bed

and surely this isn't my apsrtment

or my couch

or my dog

or my life

it belongs to him

and I am nothing

--

hello, old weary friend, my dearest pal of HeartAche. I will see you again in the morning.