ghost-of-the-machine

[ghost-of-the-machine]

anyways now im feeling too guilty to eat anything so. theres that

[ghost-of-the-machine]

went to my county fair and it was nice! but i had the worst slap of reality oh man

me and one of my other friends have always been bigger, and ive found comfort in the fact that she was similar size to me! cuz being big is incredibly alienatinglike no matter what, you are the fat friend, it doesnt matter how good of a friend you are and. yknow its not like i was JUMPING FOR JOY that i wasnt the only bigger person, it just made me feel better, like that wasnt a thing but

i havent seen her physically in like. over a year, and she has lost so much weight, like not enough that im worried for her health and scared for her, but just. a clear difference and like good for her yknow? but i cant lie, when she got out of the car my heart kinda dropped because. it justmade me feel so much bigger. like godd i take up so much space and i struggle to do things easily like buckle myself in and

it was so painfully obvious to me the way my thighs were squeezed by every seat i sat in, i hate when i do that. i try my best to look okay and the only thing that ruins that for me is just how big i am. sometimes i think im okay but.. its like i cant seem to grasp myself. i feel so fat and ugly all the time and. it sucks cuz he says such nice things about me, i dont have the heart to tell him i dont believe him, or that he just hasnt seen enough of me, and even if i did and he was still nice, im sure he'd be nice in spite of it, not because of it

cuz i just dont look good, id look 10000x better if i was skinnier

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i talk too much, ive always known that, if i was able to summarize then maybe everyone wouldnt be so against hearing what i have to say, but i dont, so.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

now i have to grieve the fact that no one is ever going to care about the shit i make, not like that anyways

maybe its cool or slightly interesting, but.. no more. im not going to try and make him care, if he doesnt then i dont want to try, but. even with my other friends, theyve never fully cared about the stuff i make. no one does, i guess that was nice while it lasted but. i should just be used to this at some point, i guess i am. maybe i can pretend to tell someone like i do all the time, maybe thatll make me feel kind of similar

[ghost-of-the-machine]

idiott idiot oh my god.what is my fucking problem. i shouldve just pretended i was asleep but nooooo i have to post my stupid art and i knew this would happene waht the fuck is wrong with me

im a fucking idiot! 🥳🥳

[ghost-of-the-machine]

im a fucking idiot! 🥳🥳

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel so empty

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel guilty because ive been checking on her, even tho shes blocked me everywhere. i know its not very respectful, but truthfully i just. i was scared to go, i wanted to make sure she was still ALIVE because i didnt leave her in a good state, but she has other friends, im sure she'll be okay..

guilty even further that i left her then, i decided in a random act of self preservation to put how i feel above someone else, even if i really didnt want to. i just.. couldnt do it, im so sorry for that. as much as i have loved the last 2 years of my life, ive had so many scares from the both of them, im in a constant state of stress and vigilance, i

thats my fucking job though, i feel so shitty about it. its my JOB to be there, to look out for them, to help to keepthings together, i didnt just fail, i forfeited. how shameful

i know thats not right, i know neither of them would want me to feel like that but i do anyways, by walking through my life with that mindset, ive done good. until now!!! i always hated choosing, but i had to choose in the end anyways. i feel so empty

im too scared to even do anything with my characters now, it feels. i just see her everywhere, in everything i could do because . i went out of my way to share my everything with her, and now its all.. dull. i dont even know if ill ever be able to look at my sons of the forest characters again, at least not like how i used to. i put a lot of love into them, but. i dont know

i cant take this back, i know that, this is the path i chose. i just have to sit and bear it, and maybe itll get better. but honestly.. i know its disrespectful, to check on her like ive been doing, but. i cling to any indication that shes feeling good, that shes doing okay, it hasnt been long.. but its felt like forever to me already. i cant imagine how much longer its gonna feel after

i held onto our group chat after they both left, and our server, i wish it wasnt so hard to let go, but i just. cant

i dont think she wants anything to do with me anymore anyways, i can only hope she wasnt angry with me when she left, but. its done now, whats the point in hoping anymore?

maybe subconsciously im punishing myself, whatever helps me sleep at night

[ghost-of-the-machine]

god it hurtss but i dont want to say anything because. he doesnt want to hear about her anymore im sure, and hes completely valid for that, if i were him i wouldnt either... but im not him

i guess it just. sucks. it wasnt a decision made easily, it was actually a decision made incredibly horribly painfully. i dont regret what i said, i think it needed to be said but. i hope she knows i dont hate her, i hope she knows that. i dont think my love for her could ever just shrivel up and die, she was too important to me for that

i feel so empty, but i . just hope this is better for all of us. i dont think i couldve been the kind of friend she deserved when half of me is angry with her

i hope you are happier, i hope you'll always be happy, i love you

i dont even know if i want to stop feeling like this, it feels like.. betrayal to move on, to cast aside 2 whole years of my life. but it feels like betrayal not to

[ghost-of-the-machine]

me when my beautiful playlist of love turns into the terrible playlist of dread and despair

[ghost-of-the-machine]

I wanted her to get better , to get some help but I didn't think that ib would lose her

[ghost-of-the-machine]

my chestt god i feel so. its different than black emptiness, its not empty, its full just. in a bad way, like dread maybe

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i hatre my body i hate my body i hate my body i hate my body i hate my fucking body good lord

[ghost-of-the-machine]

had a dream i was skinny </3 grieving rn

[ghost-of-the-machine]

every going out gotta have the 20 minutes of self loathing and humiliation even just trying to look okay

[ghost-of-the-machine]

chat how to not be scared to go outside

[ghost-of-the-machine]

I have limited time, I wish I could just carve off all the way excess meat from my body, I wish I looked completely different I feel so. ugly

I should start starving myself again I look fucking awful. I have like reverse body dysmorphia where I think I look okay usually until I see a picture of myself and realize how people actually see me and it makes me feel so stupid for ever thinking I looked okay at all. it's to the point where I'm so scared for the future cuz . I think I'm just hideous to be honest, I can't imagine living with someone and forcing them to look at me all the time 🤮