ghostgiving

[ghostgiving]

parents be like you can’t imagine how hard it is for us to deal with your mental illness

[ghostgiving]

there's this prevailing portrayal of traumatic repression as this unconscious reflex survival instinct that distances you from the event and blots out chunks of your memory like an impenetrable censorship bar, but just as often but less frequently acknowledged it's a series of negotiations with yourself made while fully and continuously aware of what is happening to you. indignity after indignity endured so you can make it to the next one survive until the straw that breaks the camel's back forces you to reckon with the entire accumulated weight of that contract/hostage situation with yourself. death by a thousand cuts but you're still alive and bleeding and staring down the pieces of yourself strewn across the floor.

[ghostgiving]

im not plural i just have memory loss when the other me is here

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Back when things were extremely bad.

[ghostgiving]

'The Dog Box'

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ok to rb

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It's been a couple of years since I last did trauma art but I had an interaction this week that has given me a solid idea for a short comic. I have no idea where my art tablet is tho

[ghostgiving]

Art by Essi Välimäki

[ghostgiving]

I am so normal about sex and my purpose. I am so normal. I am SO NORMAL.

[ghostgiving]

I mean no we don't have to have sex with her but like, she's going to want some kind of explanation. And any explanation I can offer is just going to fucking suck for her. I don't want to fuck her because I don't want her to disregard me saying I'm done. I don't want to be bored, because I was often bored during sex. I don't particularly feel very attracted to her or anyone right now, though I still have sex with others since it's fun.

I don't feel like she sexually assaulted me. It's just that grey area where no, I didn't really want to be doing it, and yes, she reacted poorly when I said it was time to stop, but it does not feel traumatising. In all honesty it feels like an annoyance. Yeah no shit I don't want to have sex with her specifically, it was boring and I spent most of my time feeling like a dildo she fucked herself with.

[ghostgiving]

God I wish I knew for sure it happened. I wish I knew for sure it was real. I wish I knew.

[ghostgiving]

[ghostgiving]

(You’ve chosen to not remember this part.)

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unfortunately for me, i yearn for what i can never have

[ghostgiving]

DID but not in the fun alter disorder way, in the "people ask why I'm acting different but I'm literally acting the same way I always do why are you saying I'm acting different" way

[ghostgiving]

too busy focusing on not killing myself to care whether i accomplish anything else

[ghostgiving]

when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever