ghostiboos

[ghostiboos]

SweetPotato Playing God in VeggieTales: I Am the great Yam

[ghostiboos]

if i die before i'm strong enough to come out to them, i want them to know i died believing they would never love me.

if they find out who i am only after i'm gone, i want them to know that, no, they never knew me. i want them to know that my Self was a secret i took to my grave.

i want them to know my decision to hide was not a solitary event. i want them to know it was a decision made every day, again and again. i want them to know that it hurt, that it was a fresh old wound re-opened every time they spoke. i want them to know that wound never even had the time to scar.

i want them to know that every second in their company was spent calculating if i could come out of hiding yet. i want them to know i was heartbroken every time i realized i couldn't. i want them to know i felt stupid for even daring to hope.

i want them to know i don't trust them with the burial of my body.

i want them to know that i see them burying me under someone else's name. i want them to know that i hear that name their pastor calls me through the walls of my casket. i want them to know i can still taste my own name on the tip of my tongue, a name they will never hear from me. i want them to know that the clothes they buried me in burn like the hellfire they think i'm damned to. i want them to know that i died long before i stopped breathing. i want them to know I was buried alive.

i want them to know i had good reason to be scared. i want them to realize that i heard the way they talked about people just like me. i want them to realize that my fear was based in their actions and words. i want them to realize that i'm not the only one they've made afraid. i want them to change, even knowing they won't.

i want them to know i understand. i want them to know that, yes, i know they meant well. i want them to know i don't resent them. well, maybe a little, but i can't rationally imagine things having gone any other way.

i want them to know i empathize with their confusion, that i know how difficult it can be to understand. i want them to know that even understanding that, i couldn't bear to be the one to show them. Not after all the parts of me i've subjected to their scrutiny.

i want them to know that i see the kind of "love" they would offer to someone like me, and i didn't want it. I don't want it. I want them to know that i chose choking on my secrets to a "love" like that.

if i die before i'm "strong enough" to come out to them, i want them to know i died believing they would never love Me.

if i ever do come out, i hope it won't be because i'm "strong enough" to do so. i hope when i come out, it's because they're strong enough to Love Me anyway.

[ghostiboos]

A little something for my friends sending me twitter threads

[ghostiboos]

So how's everybody feeling about the inauguration today

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Reading is not enough I need the words BEAMED INTO MY BRAIN

[ghostiboos]

Wish books could just be beamed into my head without having to look at them.

No no not like audiobooks, I need the words Beamed To My Head.

[ghostiboos]

A log of recycled sawdust, chemically imbued to burn as long as possible, yet still it can't escape its finite nature.

Layers of ash still cling to their old shape, but they are all as plush fur, concealing a molten, emaciated skeleton beneath.

So weak is its hold that but a single breath can strip the heat-born snow whole inches deep, exposing the dying glow beneath to cold and hungry air.

And yet, in this dying thing, I take comfort. I feel peace at its beautiful death, warmth at its decay, and I cannot deny the impulse to prod at its grave.

With no poker, I use a toothpick to pet the thing, brushing civilizations of dust off the cliffs of its corpse. They almost seem to reignite as they hit the hills of ash below, but no — they always burn brightest just before they blink out.

And in their place is left the empty ember-glowing plane on which they sat, bleeding oranges and reds in dimming light.

Veins pulsing in an ever-dying glow, it almost takes on the appearance of raw and holy flesh, coyly receding beneath a new layer of feather-soft white ash.

Such a small corpse now, breathing still but what's the difference?

Oh to crush it in my hands, to feel the searing glow upon my palms. To cradle it, to gently ferry it across to sleep eternal.

But hours instead I sit upon the hearth and watch the creature turn to snow, indistinguishable from the white mountains that sit below.

Watching entropy and the inevitable heat death of the universe in the dying embers of a fireplace

[ghostiboos]

Watching entropy and the inevitable heat death of the universe in the dying embers of a fireplace

[ghostiboos]

sometimes being a shapeshifter means that when you're getting mixed signals of what people want you to turn into you just melt into putty

[ghostiboos]

Hey so I just stumbled across something weird I think I should share?

I was just humoring my mom, who was all excited to show me the revolutionary idea of typing "entry level" into a job search engine, but when it pulled up a mess of predictably non-entry-level results (RN, lab associate, dentist, etc), she was like, "What? That's completely different from what came up when I did this on my computer..."

I told her this was pretty par for course, but it was weird enough that I turned on my VPN and tried again in a private browser... and suddenly all the results were actual entry level jobs. No more RN listings or 5-years required experience. I mean there are still a few sprinkled in there and I need to take a closer look but like. This is an actual search result?

I don't know, maybe healthcare listings pay to be promoted regardless of search criteria to active job seekers or based on other user data? But wtf why do I have to have a whole ass VPN just to see that BlorboMart is hiring slightly above minimum wage?

So TL;DR uh- if you're an entry-level job seeker, a VPN and private browser might help?

Edit:

In the time it took me to write this post, the search page reloaded and now only lists RN positions again. I closed the browser and VPN and tried again but no dice. Restarted my computer and it's still mostly nursing jobs and the like. Deleted cookies, same problem. Deleted cookies again, restarted computer again, changed VPN location, and it's still all nursing.

At this point, I don't know what the issue is, but now that I've caught a glimpse of what it looks like when the search function is actually working, this is so much more frustrating than ever before. I just want to work, man... why do I have to jump through so many hoops just to find anything?

[ghostiboos]

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

[ghostiboos]

Thank you anime men

[ghostiboos]

No sorry I can't watch Dungeon Meshi yet- yeah I have to watch Chainsaw Man first. Oh. No I haven't started yet, I still haven't caught up on Jujutsu Kaisen. W-well, I would, but I was trying to finish HxH before that so- huh? Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I haven't gotten back to HxH yet- well I have to finish Buffy and Angel before I can rewatch I Saw The TV Glow so I can rewatch Revolutionary Girl Utena and Adolescence of Utena again, and then I've gotta finish Mawaru Penguindrum and all the other Ikuhara shows before I can get back to HxH. Diagnosed with- Yeah I'm diagnosed OCD and ADHD why do you ask?

[ghostiboos]

So exhausted — i should be drawing or applying for more jobs or folding laundry etc etc but god im just so tired i just want the ride to stop spinning for a minute just. Just gimme a minute man

[ghostiboos]

They're literally in the same arrangement

Cursed visions be upon ye

Olympic rings got me like

[ghostiboos]

Olympic rings got me like

[ghostiboos]

Born to Youko Kurama(Shuichi Minamino), forced to Owen(Isabel) I Saw The TV Glow