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Jason loves fucking with press members

Reporter outside Tim’s school: *holding mic* MISTER DRAKE WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR RECENT INDUCTION INTO THE WAYNE— Jason: *pops into frame* uh hey there reporter: Wha—who are you? Jason: *pouting* what, you don’t remember me, Sharon? We had a lovely conversation about how Batman is actually a robotic AI built by the government in order to deal with their bastard of a fuck up, Gotham city, under the table instead of the legal and long way Sharon: *memory swirly effect* *six years ago* baby Jason: and THATS why he’s got all the fucking sick-ass tech. It’s like, the fuckin’ CIA in his earpiece, and Lex Luthor himself is building his tech. Maybe that’s why Lex goes so hard on Superman but not Batman, you know? *snicker* maybe he and bats have a bit of a . . . workplace situation-ship, y’know what I mean? A horrified Sharon: sir, I just asked your thoughts on the Bat Jason: yeah, do I get a penny now? You know, “penny for your thoughts”? ‘Cause those were mine *present day* Jason: so how about that penny? Sharon: aren’t you fucking dead??? The cameraman five feet away: *sweatdrop*

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Batman gets home after a long day of patrol to find one of his newest enemies, the murderous crime lord Red Hood, in his personal civilian office. he prepares to fight despite having taken off all of his gear back down in the cave, only for Red Hood to see him in the doorway and without hesitation, he takes off his helmet.

Jason Todd stares at him from across the desk, tears and snot streaming down his face, and Bruce freezes.

“I don’t know how to hook up the new dryer i bought for my apartment and now my landlord is asking for bank statements to prove i can pay rent and my wifi keeps fucking up and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WATER PRESSURE IS,” Jason wails, distraught and sobbing harder than Bruce has ever seen before. he fumbles, jaw dropping, as Jason swipes at his eyes, sniffing. “THIS ISN’T FAIR,” he cries wetly. “I DIED BEFORE I LEARNT ABOUT TAXES, WHAT THE FUCK IS A STOCKS ISA??!”

Bruce bites his lip, deciding to not show his slight amusement. “Oh, chum,” he empathises.

“THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.”

“I know, I know,” he soothes, holding his hands up in submission and carefully moving forward so he could place them comfortingly on Jason’s shoulder. did he know what was going on? absolutely the fuck not. was he going to question it and scare away his apparently-not-dead-son? absolutely the fuck not. “How about some warm milk and cookies, and then you can show me the files that confuse you?”

Jason sniffs. “…and then the dryer?”

“I can hook up your dryer, chum.”

“……I’m not gonna stop being a crime lord,” his son warns, shamelessly using Bruce’s sleeve to wipe away the snot dribbling down his lip. Bruce bits his lip again.

“Let’s not worry about that right now. One problem at a time.”

“I also own zero spoons.”

“There’s some in the kitchen you can steal.”

“…thanks, B.”

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I love the canon of Tim being a pretty okay kid from a nice, rich family who, completely umprompted by anything but his own sense of moral obligation, feeds himself into a wood chipper (aka becomes Batman's partner) in order to save Gotham. The best part being, of course, the way it changes the Titans Tower fight. Basically, Jason shows up wailing about how being Batman's partner got him killed and destroyed his life and it'll do the same to Tim if he's not careful, and Tim is just like

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Dick and Bruce vs. Jason's relationship with being a batbeast.

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"I sort fics by kudos and only kudos on stories with high kudos counts, why aren't there more stories with high kudos, I ran out of things to read." You're part of the problem.

"Authors artificially inflate comment counts by thanking people, I can't find anything with a real comment count to read." No they fucking are not, they're grateful for engagement.

"I can't read anything under 100k." That's the majority of fics you're ignoring, most novels aren't even that long.

"I don't have time to look for the incredibly rare diamond in the rough, so I won't read anything below a certain amount of kudos, comments, and hits." Those fics are popular because people gave them a chance and then snobs like you found them.

"I won't read anthing with a single typos." You made typos in that sentence, get off your high horse.

"One singular author didn't thank me for commenting, I'm never commenting on any fic again so I don't get burned." You're punishing people because someone didn't give you engagement they don't owe you that they might not have seen.

"This fic is three months old, it's so old, it doesn't matter if I comment or kudos, it's old." Fics do not have expiration dates, comment and kudos.

You're killing your fandoms with your snobbish behaviors.

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I love the fics where the bats don’t know that dick was renegade during his teen titans era and randomly catch him doing weird shit

Jason and dick mid heated fight they’re both pinned and dick loses both his escrima sticks Jason’s injured and all of a sudden he gets really focused grabs Jason’s guns and starts firing with deadly accuracy shooting to incapacitate rather than kill or maim

Jason: what the f u c k

dick: what?

Jason: since when are you a fucking sharp shooter???

dick: …

dick: uh it’s a long story

Jason: No fucking way don’t long story me bitch tell me when the hell you learned to aim like that

dick: incoherent mumbles

Jason: what?

dick: deathstroke the terminator

Jason: are you fucking serious?????

dick: what! You’re not the only one who’s allowed to have a rebellious teenage phase

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You have fundamentally misunderstood Bruce's character, If you do not 100% know what Bruce would say in any of these instances.

Any iteration of....

"B can we skip patrol cause I....."

"Dad can we...."

"Bruce I was thinking instead of...."

"Baba I want to....."

Bruce Wayne is throwing off his bat-suit running to the car, fishing his wallet out because his children don't want to fight crime today. This is the best day of his fucking life.

The thing I feel like is forgotten Bruce does not want any of these children to be vigilantes.

This fact is very much forgotten.

If all of them decided tomorrow to never get a fucking job, never go to college live completely off Bruce's money, but also never be a vigilante again. Bruce Wayne is throwing a parade that has not been seen since Alexander The Great lost his boyfriend.

Bruce would have a house filled with like 30 year old children who eat his food and refuse to never work a day in their lives and he would absolutely love it because they are not risking themselves.

He would skip patrol no questions asked.

In fanfictions I always see a moment of them like trying to convince Bruce to take a night off or they need a break or whatever.

Bruce, who is not absolutely butchered by a writer is actively burning down the Batcave because dick said he's just not feeling this vigilante thing anymore.

Bruce Wayne will never skip patrol or being Batman by his own decision or for his own benefit.

Throw one of his kids in it and he is just Bruce Wayne. 

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Tim: I want another sibling.

Dick: is this because I--

Tim: because you live in Bludhaven! That's forever away from me. I'm being neglected.

Dick: it's a 45-minute drive.

Tim: NEGLECTED!

Dick: well damn, Tim, I'm sorry but I don't control child acquisitions in this family. What do you think is going to happen? We find another teenager on the side of the road?

Babs two weeks later: hey Batman and I found this teenager on the side of the road.

Cass: hi 😀

Tim: !!!!!!!!!!!! 🤩

Dick: 😑

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Robin was hit.

Red Robin knocked the futuristic gun out of the perpetrator’s hands but not before it fired into the fight and hit Robin square in the chest. There was a rush of chaos and confusion immediately following. Nightwing takes the unconscious teen into his arms and retreats while the rest of the bats take down the rest of the thugs with brutal efficiency.

Red Hood and Spoiler stay behind to question the criminals and do some more investigating while Red Robin examines the gun used.

It’s hours later, with Robin still unconscious in the Batcave medbay, they figure out it’s an alien device originally used to find others of the same endangered race. Frankly, it didn’t at all explain why Damian was still unconscious, or why he fell unconscious to begin with. From the research they found, it shouldn’t physically alter or affect the individual. Which leads them to believe the device had been tampered with.

Tensions were high. Answers were scarce. Doubts were increasing as well as fear and anger.

It came to a head almost twenty-four hours later when Damian violently wakes up.

From one moment to the next, the teen goes from being completely unaware to gasping awake. Dick, who had been by his side through this ordeal, is so startled he shouts in surprise. He jumps from his seat to keep Damian from hurting himself as the boy thrashes in the bed.

Tim comes running in from where he was stationed at the Bat computer to see Damian screaming and struggling against their older brother’s calming hands. The heart monitor is going ballistic and if Damian keeps flailing he’ll rip out his IV.

“Tim!”

He already knows what Dick wants and dashes toward the medicine cabinet for a sedative. It doesn’t take long for the drug to do its job with Dick holding down Damian.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. I got you. I got you,” Dick reassures as Damian loses his strength and sags into the bed.

Tim is already texting Bruce about the situation, not wanting to leave Dick by himself.

“What was that?” Tim asks out loud.

He had never seen Damian act like that except for when he got fear gassed. They had run every test they could think of when he came in, he was clean.

Dick is running his fingers through Damian’s hair soothingly even though the teen is out of it.

“I don’t know. Something’s off.”

They only gave him a small dose, but Damian is out for another six hours. In that time they had ran all the tests again to find nothing abnormal and Jason had pulled in about four hours in to park his butt at the work bench to clean his weapons in front of Bruce and within hearing distance.

When Damian wakes again, it’s sluggish from the drugs. He blinks and groans. Dick is at his side immediately.

“Hey, Baby Bat. How you feeling?”

Damian pulls at the cushioned restraints around his wrists. The teen wrinkles his brows in confusion and looks down.

“You want them off? The first time you woke up you almost ripped your IV out,” Dick explains as he carefully unlatches the Velcro.

“Oh,” Damian mumbles and then thinks about the words. “What?”

Bruce walks through the door. Jason lingers in the doorway peering in to check on the kid.

“There you are. You had us worried,” Bruce says. He stands at the side of the bed to put a hand on the boy’s shoulder while his eyes scan the monitors.

“Sorry.”

That got their attention.

“‘Sorry’?” Jason asks incredulously as he pushes off the doorway to stand at the end of the bed. “Since when have you ever apologized for anything?”

“Jason,” Dick hushes. “He just woke up. Give him a break.”

Damian rubs his free wrists as he looks around at them and the room. The longer they watch him they can see the lack of recognition in his eyes.

“What- what happened?”

Dick and Jason give each other a look at the stutter, but it’s Bruce that responds.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Damian looks down in thought, a hand coming up to fiddle with the IV site. Dick reaches over to pull his hand away. Surprisingly, Damian lets him.

“Um, I was- I was-… sorry,” he says in frustration.

“That’s okay. Take your time.”

Damian rubs at his face in a nervous mannerism he’s never shown before.

“I think I was doing homework? I- There’s this stupid project in history class that’s due in like two weeks and I’ve been procrastinating,” Damian shrugs.

Damian hadn’t once mentioned a history project.

He looks up at Bruce.

“Did I pass out or something?”

Bruce squeezes his shoulder before letting it drop. Dick was right, something is wrong.

“First, can you tell me your identification code?”

Dick shoots him a look that he ignores.

Damian blinks up at him.

“My what?”

Tension immediately seeps into everyone present.

“Your identification code, Dami, you remember it, right?” Dick pushes.

Damian turns to him in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“Did he hit his head when he went down?” Jason demands. He turns to Bruce. “I thought you checked for a concussion!”

Damian actually shrinks away from the aggressive tone. Bruce raises a hand for silence. He bends to get eye level with the teen.

“Do you know where you are?”

Damian glances around with cautious eyes.

“…The hospital?”

Dick puts a hand over his mouth in disbelief. Damian sends him a look.

“Not the hospital?”

“No,” Jason answers. “Not the hospital.”

“Do you know who I am?” Bruce asks next.

Damian studies him too closely, looking for context clues. It didn’t leave a lot of confidence.

“My… doctor?”

Dick stands abruptly to pace.

“What is happening?” He demands to no one.

“That’s what I want to know,” Damian chimes in.

“Damian,” Bruce calls to get his attention. “Damian, look at me.”

The teen turns to him in bewilderment.

“Who’s Damian?”

That question freezes them.

“What?” Jason asks. “Who the- If you’re not Damian, who are you?”

“Me? Who are you?”

Dick intervenes with raised hands. He approaches the bed like the teen is a scared animal.

“Okay. We’re starting over. Hi. I’m Dick. What’s your name?”

Not-Damian looks him up and down suspiciously.

“I’m Danny. Fenton. Danny Fenton. You- I thought you called me by my name earlier?”

Dick thinks back and gives a tight smile. “I said ‘Dami’, short for Damian, not Danny.”

Danny slumps back into the bed. “Oh.”

“We’ll figure this out, kiddo. Don’t worry-“

Bruce’s phone rings with an unknown number. He glances at the teen and shows him the screen.

“Do you recognize this number?”

“Yea, it’s mine,” Danny confesses.

Bruce puts it on speaker.

“Damian.”

“Father, it seems I’ve switched bodies with a civilian,” comes the voice.

“Wait, what?” Danny pats himself down. “Switched bodies?!”

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*Damian and Jon on a stakeout in Gotham (he literally just showed up and wouldn't leave)*

Jon: "Dang, Dick's allergic to kiwis? Human allergies are so weird?"

Jon: "What are you allergic to?"

Damian, deadpanned: "Pomegranates."

Jon: "Pomegranates?? That's like the most random fruit ever?"

Jon: "Your bodies are so strange..."

Damian: "Says the one allergic to a rock?"

Clark, 2,400 miles away in metropolis: "Damn..."

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people get so confused trying to figure out the Lois/Clark/Superman situation that somehow they come to the conclusion that Clark is cheating on Lois with Superman

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Damian Wayne is a hopeless romantic.

He is Talia 'I still call him beloved' Al Ghuls son.

He reads romance manga and watches romance anime.

He quotes Shakespeare.

He grew up in the League of Assassins dreaming of family and finally earning the love he was withheld.

It is no wonder that when Damian falls, he falls hard?

It's a love story for the ages, and Damian both adores falling in love with his best friend and hates it!

Because Jon Kent is his rivals to friends to lovers arc and Damian can't help romantic the crap out of it. Its so cliche, but Damian has held him at Sword Point on multiple occasions, so at this point, they are an evil king away from a full-on romance novel.

And Damian has read that book. He can't wait for their happy ending.

He keeps a journal of how they get together so he can show their kids someday.

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This time I made some little changes to the style so danny looks more like in cartoon (especialy his age)

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Batfamily headcannons but as shit my brothers, dad and I do and have said: ___

Jason: So, when really thinking about it, out of all the league members, Wonder Woman is the best

Tim: Jay, wha-

Jason: *still talking about wonder woman while getting up and grabbing a knife in the kitchen and sitting with it for no reason*

Tim: Yeah... uhm sure *slowly backs away*

Jason: *Pauses - notices Tim backing away, the knife in his hand and the lime he had picked up in his other hand*

Jason:

Tim:

Jason: >:) *starts creepily following Tim while slowly cutting the lime*

Tim: Dick! Jason is threatening me!

___

*in the airport, in line to board the plane*

Bruce: *turns too his hoard of children and very much unplanned says* Remember, Keep it secret...

Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and any other child: Keep it safe.

(they had watched lord of the rings two days prior)

___

Tim: I can scream louder

Damian: No, I can

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tim: wait, lets harmonize

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *But now it's pretty*

Jason from somewhere upstairs: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

___

Dick: Jason can do a really good Pigeon impression, Jason go

Jason: what no, why would I- *proceeds to do a perfect pigeon impression*

Jason: But when I went to france they sounded different so it was more like *proceeds to do perfect pigeon impression with apparently a french accent*

Dick: See?!

Random Gala person: What the hell?

___

Damian: I have a crush.

Jason and Tim: WHAT?!

Damian: Yes, it is normal, now, do not tell Grayson

Tim: Why?

Damian: Because I'm going to taunt him for the next month that I have something big to tell him but that I shouldn't

Jason: You're mean and I love it.

Tim: I thought Dick was your favorite?

Damian: Exactly which means I must treat him as a brother should through sheer annoyance.

*later*

Dick: Dammmiiiiii it's been weeks, come on!!

Jason and Tim smirking: Honestly it's huge news Dick but he probably shouldn't say anything.

Dick: wait..... YOU GUYS KNOW??? WHAT IS IT???

Jason, Tim, and Damian: >:)

___

Enjoy me imparting my families chaos upon their's

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Damian is the baby of the family (as much as he hates it). This means Jon has a really hard time getting the Batfam to not hate him.

Jon (now fully a teenager, almost an adult, ready to tell Kon about his relationship): Me and Damian are dating.

Kon: Oh dude you are so fucked.

Jon (expecting him to be happy for them): Thank y- what?

Kon (fighting a laugh): Oh, oh you don’t know yet, do you? They’ll get you dude

Jon: What are you talking about?

Kon: When I started dating Tim, Jason and Dick both stalked me for months. You are fucked.

Jon: That’s just because you’re a delinquent. They won’t do that to me. Right?

Dick: Hi, Jon.

Jon (alone in the barn feeding the cows at night): SHIT. Oh. Hey…Dick?

Dick: That boy is a CHILD. You better stay away from him.

Jon: I take it Damian told you.

Dick: Worst day of my life.

Jon: That feels dramatic.

Dick: HE’S A BABY.

Jon: He is 17.

Dick: Jonathan Kent I will end you. (disappears into the night)

Jason: Hey.

Jon (walking alone in an alley): …hey, Jason.

Jason: Would you take a bullet for him?

Jon: Who..?

Jason: If you have to ask then the answer is no.

Jon: Is this about Damian?

Jason: …maybe.

Jon: I have done worse than take a bullet for him.

Jason (pulling his gun out of its holster): Prove it.

Jon (checking his email): Huh what’s this from…123nottimdrake@yahoo.com?

Email: Dear Jonathan, I have hacked into all of your personal social media accounts and personally examined everyone you follow. Unfollow the following list of accounts, and any other that post similar SLUTISH content, or I will tell Damian.

(Jon checks all the accounts and it’s mostly his friends, all of which have at some point posted a picture of themselves in a swim suit at a pool party or the beach).

Damian (on a date with Jon): I really feel like someone’s watching me right now.

Jon (trying not to look at Nightwing, Red Hood, and Red Robin all watching from the shadows): Haha, that’s so crazy.

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Everyone talks about Shaggy being able to run as fast as a Great Dane or run while carrying a Great Dane, but no one talks about Velma being able to run while carrying not just a Great Dane, but also three other people

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i couldnt decide on an expression so boom you get both