ghostlytalkin - Tumblr blog

[ghostlytalkin]

To be honestly I am spiraling //

You’re literally doing it again. You’re blaming things on your mental health and not on your own actions. You’re told your words are manipulative because they’re trying to shift the blame onto something else and you’re answer is ‘sorry’ while doing it again. You are CHOOSING to engage right now and to deflect things.

You're right, I need to stop that and reflect.

[ghostlytalkin]

Really upset that I have to log into this account after leaving //

But that’s on you and no one else? You do realize that it’s your actions that are being talk about and that led you to log back? No one forced you. No one forced you to do all the things you’ve done and no one forced you to stay in the rpc. It’s all on you and you’re blaming others like always. How do you want people to think you’re learning and growing if the first thing you say is literally to guilt trip people?

That is honestly true and completely fair. To be honestly I am spiraling and I just don't want others that use to be involved with me blamed for my actions. This is completely on me. I apologize, I can see where it does come as blaming others and that isn't right. My actions are my own, I don't want others blamed for my actions and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not being healthy for myself right now. I am the only one to blame in this.

[ghostlytalkin]

stop lying. people know you’ve sent asks to rpc-home-truths and other blogs. it’s so fucking obvious and you’re still just trying to save face and manipulate people. that’s why no one believes you, because you’re being obvious in your actions but won’t admit to them. you’re always twisting things and never full on admitting anything.

You can believe what you want but the only reason I know of rpc-home-truths was to block them because they are an rpt. Just like I've blocked other rpts. I don't want to engage with rpts, it's not healthy for myself. I wish all of them the best of luck behind the screens but I don't want to engage with an rpt. Any. Rpt. You can believe it, but I know that I haven't been doing it because I know what it will trigger for me. So, I'm sorry, but I cannot let myself send things to rpts. Even rpts that I enjoyed because that's will trigger me to start up again.

[ghostlytalkin]

You’re just as manipulative as ever with that post and your refusal to admit your actions. If your therapist thinks such posts are not gaslighting and manipulative, find a new one. Signed, a licensed therapist.

I can admit the actions I know about. I cannot admit actions I don't know about. My therapist has no idea I made that post.

I have said fucked up things, I've talked over people I shouldn't have. I put my nose where it doesn't belong. I have done things on purpose to make others leave groups or just straight up been hostile. For either reason that honestly was so fucking stupid and should have just talked to them and been a better person but I wasn't. I acted how i would bitch about anybody else acting. I was playing two character that were fetishizing, Mary sues, and just shitty ass characters I clung to. I have used problem fcs without doing research. I have caused problems in the rpc, I've said awful things about people, I've acted certain ways that make people upset. I've done a lot and this are just things that I know of.

[ghostlytalkin]

You said you were taking a break from the rpc tho, not the rpt. But you never did.

I honestly meant rpt, but I should have taken from the rpc. It's really hard for me to break away because I've met some great people. I thought that my therapist suggesting joining a group to reconnect was good but honestly I shouldn't have and it's a talk we'll have Friday how I was not ready. I just was active in rph help (mainly for the tree okay I love that thing) and then trying to feel a bit helpful. I've left the group and I need more time before I engage in the rpc in groups.

[ghostlytalkin]

at least be honest and admit you’ve been sending asks. if you want people to believe you’re trying to better yourself and that you’re changing be honest. it’s been super obvious which asks have been from you.

nope, I'm not sending ask. I will become obsessed and that's not healthy for me. You can say it's me but I know it's not. I do not want to be involved, I do not what to know what drama is going on, I do not want to be involved with other rpts. I have sent asks in the past and will admit that but since shutting down this blog I have not engaged with other rpts. I do not want to be involved with them. It's not healthy for me and I will start to spiral. So while yeah, I have sent anons in the past (lbr, who hasn't), I have not engaged with rpts since I shut myself down of this blog. I wish nothing but the best for the people behind rpts but I don't want to be in the middle.

[ghostlytalkin]

Really upset that I have to log into this account after leaving it and saying I was going to take a step back from rpt world due to how toxic I got myself swept into things. But I'm having people message me on my discord about things being said.

First and foremost, I have distanced myself from those I considered core friends, being that I know I caused hurt and they deserve the distance from me, so I made that possible. I have backed away from my friendships, and we're not talking right now. I dont know if I'll be ready to talk to them for a long time because I have felt ashamed for things. I devalued our friendships and I backed away to give us all space.

Blaming them for MY actions is wrong because I am the only one to blame. They all tried talking to me about their concerns and I ignored them and I know I did. I got too obsessed in people wanting to bring me stuff and it was unhealthy. And worse i let myself become a person i shouldn't have been. I can acknowledge that people have issues with me and I fucked up royally. I am a constant work in progress. It's a topic with my therapist, psychiatrist, and group therapy that I do and am working on.

I joined one group with the idea of my therapist to see if I feel comfortable reaching out and trying to feel normal. Rping has been a big part of my life since middle school and it felt not writing woth others. I don't feel comfortable but i was trying to make an effort and I and currently struggling. I didn't know people I distanced myself from joined and I have kept my space from them. I used an fc I didn't do research about and I apologize for that. I usually try to do better but I just didn't put in the effort to actually do research. But I do apologize, that wasn't right of me and I changed the fc as soon as another friend that won't let me cut them off brought it up to me when we were getting lunch together. It still was not okay for me and I should have done better research.

For people saying I'm joining groups you're wrong. I've joined a group. Yes I've been active in the rphhelp server as of late, but I've even gone silent there recently because hearing that whatever I do is sent to Syd feels rough and it has set my ptsd and paranoia regarding my last stalker off. Again, something I'm working on with my therapist and something we talk about in group therapy.

I acknowledge that I've fucked up in the past, I have mainly been keeping to myself trying to work on things. I thought my therapist's suggestion of joining a single group was good. Some people have reached out and talked to me about issues they've had with me and I've taken what they said to heart. I literally do not know everything that I'm being accused of and it's hard to ask when people don't reach out to you to say what they found you doing to be fucked up or caused hurt. But I'm trying with some of the info I was given. I'll still be working on things because I need that step by step plan.

I understand I fucked up, but please, if you have an issue with me let it just be with me. I don't want anybody else dragged down or had themselves tossed through the mud because people have issues with me as a person. Send me threats, tell me how awful I am, fuck anon is on this blog, send it here. Message me on discord. I've been away from discord the last few days but I will log in just if people want to talk and tell me what issues they have. It doesn't even have to be their main account he could be a disposable one. But please, keep your issues with me just with me. That's literally all I ask, I don't want the people I use to be close to thrown around because I'm the one you want to watch burn.

I haven't been looking at the tumblr, haven't messaged anybody, haven't done much except get some information of graphics and read updates about Palestinian. I honestly feel gross logging into this account just to post this that will be torn apart and picked at.

My discord is emptylittlemind. I changed it from cupcakemon for the literal reason of my stalker trying to get ahold me me via discord again. But you can message me on there, you can message this blog, whatever. I literally am just asking that if you have issues with me to not drag whoever you think I'm friends with through the mud thinking it will help drag me further. I'm barely talking to people, maybe two I know that rp, and that's it. I have been trying to keep space.

I know I have caused issues, and I cannot express how sorry I am. I know I have fucked up over and over and never acknowledged things. But I only know so much. I am still trying to figure things out. I know I have done a lot of damage but please, just take it out on me. I don't want others dragged further just for having at one point known me. The issues are with me and what I have done.

Again, you can add me on discord and message me there if you want. I just felt compelled to say something because I don't want ex friends dragged just for knowing me.

[ghostlytalkin]

this blog is shut down from here on out.

I need to move away, I have been fucking up and hurting people. This blog will no longer be active from me or anybody.

I am very sorry and I will not be engaging on this blog or coming back to it. I've done a lot of harm with it and I think that it is better to just back away. There are other great rpts that deserve it and frankly I just want to be done

[ghostlytalkin]

can you not be a mod in findsrp? really not a good look for them to have you as a mod. you should remove yourself.

I am not a mod, I asked if I could step back to focus on myself. I made the choice so that I can work on myself and fix myself. I am still in the server but I am not joining any new rps because I am wanting to just fix the issues that I think people have a problem with me. {please tell me my wrongs I want to bring them to my therapist so we can work on that. I'm literally just guessing and going off things I find wrong with myself} This was completely my choice to step down so I can take a break and work on myself with my therapist and adjust to anti-depressants and see how they work with my other medications.

With the stepping down, wanting to work on myself I did change my alias. It's not to hide, I want to make that clear, but because I want to open myself to self discovery and healing and fixing I wanted to give myself another name. This was something I also brought up with my therapist in our session today and they thought that if it helps me I should give it a try. I can always change it back if it feels wrong or change it to something else. Tbh I've been toying with it since my whole stalker situation but felt like I was in a rut but wanted to make it easier for some people to find me if they had questions regarding that. I just want to open myself to a new chapter and while I love the pokemon eevee, which is how I chose my name, it wasn't feeling gender neutral enough anymore. So I have changed my rp alias for myself. This is not to hide from my actions, it's just something small for myself.

eevee did xyz, orion has learned from those and will do better to not repeat those actions.

I will keep Ghostly as my name on my rpt, tbh i named it ghostly as a more morbid thing y'all don't need to know.

I rambled, but tl;dr. I am not a mod at findrps, I've changed my alias for myself, to feel a bit more progression in fixing things I've done.

I hope that answers your message and I did ramble a bit. My apologizes!

[ghostlytalkin]

I want to be super clear, and because this deals with my attempt and some pretty dark ass stuff regarding MYSELF I am going to put it under read more, nobody is obligated to read it but to clarify for probably more my sanity. But I ask that please don't go to others blaming them for what I tried to do. I took things that was said and let it swallow me instead of ignoring them like I would do towards a lot of people. This being said, here is a crazy long message.

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

suicide attempt, medications, hospitals, stalking, death threats, police {briefly}, long ass post

I am not going to blame ANYBODY but myself for my attempt at suicide. I suffer greatly from suicidal idealization and the idea of dying before getting old. I suffer from depression and my therapist and I are working to narrow down the type of depression I have because it acts like the tide changes and they do not want to give a automatic diagnosis. I also deal with minor obsessions and hyperfixations which we're working on.

I did spend some time under suicide watch in the hospital. I had my sister checking up on me through my nurses, who were super nice and one let me talk her ear off for nearly fifteen minutes before my meds kicked in and I passed the fuck out. I have been going through the motions of anti depressant medication and tbh I kinda hate them because of how tired they make me. But I am still taking them because everybody has told me that it takes time to adjust and my therapist said that it cane take a bit for your body to adjust. Plus I have insomnia and so the sleep I guess is needed because I've sleep deprived myself for years and worked on only 1-4 hours of sleep since I was in middle school.

I know I said that rpcvent outed me, but it was pointed out I had an earlier post where I put that I was evie/eevee. I honestly forgot about it and thought people pieced it together from rps I've mentioned having been in. That is on me. Even if I don't agree with rpcvent on things everybody has their own opinions and it is whatever.

I am getting help, I have decided to put this blog on pause for myself except for 1 day a week I will put things in the queue to run for the other 6 days. I will be having my inbox open for others to still come to if they choose, nobody is obligated to come to my inbox. But my inbox will be monitored by another so if death threats start coming in the inbox will be closed again. This is not up for debate and my person monitoring my blog will delete anon hate directed at me.

If anybody wants to be respectful and be like "hey this thing that you did had hurt me/a friend/somebody I know." I am open to it and bringing it to my therapist to find a corrective action on how to change and do better. I will also apologize. I never intended to cause people harm, more like call out their behaviors after they'd been talked to. I want to be better and do better and not having been told before I was causing issues I had no idea. I want to do better and make sure I am not that person.

For the people who were saying I was online while I was away and reporting it to other blogs

Please, don't monitor somebody's online status like that. For me personally it triggered my ptsd. I spent the last 6 years with an online stalker in the witch community who would monitor when I was online to try and narrow down my timezone to then would start asking my friends where I lived. They used multiple accounts to try and find out and get close to me under fake names. It got to the point where police were involved because they told people they had found out the area I lived at the time in Oregon and had gotten a plane ticket to come find me and kill me. And this all started because they were watching for me being online.

I am a pretty guarded person because I am scared of that happening again. I was almost doxxed three times, twice to this kind of person. It got so bad that police both in my state and their state was involved and it was confirmed they did have a plane ticket to Oregon. On discord I have a constant status of being idle, sometimes I will switch it to DND if I will be away longer than a few hours and forget about it, and it's because of this situation. I have a protective order against my stalker and charges had been pressed for telephonic harassment {which sounds fake and I thought it was fake until the officer I was working with showed me it was a real thing}.

And I'm sure somebody will run to tell this to other blogs, fine. Yeah I was stalked for SIX years. But what did I do? I told them I could no longer help with a situation I won't get into detail about and other people started to talk about how creepy stalker was and they said it was me telling people. That is the jist of it because frankly that situation has been dead to me and I've been trying to live my life despite my stalker persisting up until two weeks ago.

Please don't just monitor somebody's online status just to report it to others. That's really uncomfortable.

AS FAR AS THIS BLOG:

I will leave it up. There is two call outs that need to be up for others. This being the Elysium items, which was requested that I reblog and leave open for everybody so they can always have the receipts of behaviors and that of Cody because I've also been asked as he still is not taking accountability for his behaviors towards women and those who look feminin.

I will be doing more research before I post things, I'll look into whatever you guys send me or I will continue to ask for proof. Again, no proof sent will be posted without permission unless it is proof I personally found and posted. I want to do better, so I will make myself more informed.

I'm not going to join rps though to find things, that's weird and I think would be suspicious and I am not comfortable with doing that. What other people do and then send to me is on them. But right now I will be only answering things one day a week and will converse with my therapist regarding things because it's important to monitor. I'll be taking the rest of this week and next week off to allow myself a break and have time to further process and heal for myself for what I've done.

Thank you for reading this if you did. I am apologetic for the hurt that I have caused and I hope y'all have a lovely day.

[ghostlytalkin]

HELP SAVE MY CAT! my sweet baby is not doing well, and the vet office has raised their prices exponentially. we've got over €300 in bills already, and we'll have to pay at least €120 more tomorrow. we don't know if there will be any more costs but there's a good chance we will not be able to cover them. please donate if you can!

[ghostlytalkin]

giving tumblr a break for now, so inbox is closed until further notice.

[ghostlytalkin]

Addressing some much needed things

I'm going to address some things that people have sent to other blogs about me that I know need to be addressed. I'm writing this to make things clear.

The comment about 4/20 also being hitler's birthday

That was fully insensitive and I acknowledge that. I know my apology seemed ass backwards and trying to excuse it. I don't want to excuse it. I said something insensitive, I was told it came off as insensitive even if it wasn't meant to be that way. I fully apologize, it was wrong and I own up to the fuck up. I'm not in the jewish faith, I do have a step grandmother and friends that are of Jewish faith and talked with them about it and let them dress me down for the comment and then I actively looked for resources to better myself about it. I don't want to hide and I can understand that makes me as bad as some of the people I've posted about.

Are you Eevee on discord?

Yes. I wasn't really hiding it and I knew that somebody would figure it out and out me. I know people have had issues with me for one or another reason. I just ask you don't harass people that do know me and have been friends with me. I've also gone by Evie, Demitri, Demi, Kole, Cobi, and Evan at different times in my life while trying to find my identity. The names Demitri, Demi, Cobi, and Evan I have not used on tumblr. I used Kole I think for a year before I got into indie tumblr and dropped it.

Rave Siren/Draven Siren & his brother Kale

I made Rave when I was identifying as a trans man and as gay. My self insert kind of character that I was/have been using for years to help with trauma. Kale was supposed to be the older brother I wish I had to protect me. I was the older sibling protecting my younger siblings in situations and during a bad time I made Rave and his brother as a coping mechanism. I'm not perfect for it, I can def see the issues I've brought with him and have retired him. This was a coping tool when I was young that I clung to. I am very sorry for causing issues with him for people. You can tell me to fuck off. He's retired now and won't be used.

Do the findrps mods know about you?

Yes. I was open with them about my blog and I've talked with them regarding it and told them about things I've gotten that I think they should know. I don't have any power to kick or ban people. I mostly just let people know when they've broken a rule regarding promos and give some opinions. That's all I do. I've told them I will do whatever they wish regarding my modship. I know people want to see me leave but I consider them my friends and I don't have a lot of those right now. I do not have access to their tumblr and would never get rid of anything sent as I don't have authority and that makes me uncomfortable. Right now I am taking a few days away.

Why don't you shut down your blog?

Even with people that hate me, some of the information I've posted has helped somebody feel heard and like they're not crazy. I did mess up over tagging rpt and breaking the tag. I don't know what the future this blog holds.

Talking over groups

I didn't know this was what I was doing, I am sorry. I shouldn't and I didn't realize that I've been doing that and nobody has said anything. I can learn from that and do better to shut up. Sometimes I think I'm being helpful and if nobody is saying otherwise I don't know better. I'm willing to learn and do better. Again, I am sorry for the harm I caused doing this.

Name Dropping

I've mentioned some people, both that I have positive experiences with and negative. I realize now that not everybody will take that well and those I have positive experience with I shouldn't have shared. With Dev I honestly did not know what was happening and Dev and I have been talking since then. Mentioning other rpts I don't know if that's taboo. It's been a long time since I did an rpt and back then other rpts mentioned other rpts. If that's changed I didn't know and those I have positive experiences with I won't be naming anymore. For the negative experiences, it started little and people sharing and me sharing my experiences.

Gender-bending/Cis-swap

I don't condone this. idk why people are thinking that. I said I thought bender-bending was switched for cis-swap because years ago there was a huge argument about it. I don't think it's good and for me it's even triggering at times. I don't like it, I think it's stupid, it doesn't make sense to me.

Posting a slur

I realize now that was a bad idea, it was heat of the moment. The ask has now been removed and I've given an apologized to the one affected. I did alert them I had posted it but I shouldn't have. this is a learning experience for me and something that I can better myself regarding.

Other Items

If you are comfortable, even on anon, tell me the things you've seen me do that is harmful. Things that I've done to make you or others uncomfortable. I want to learn and do better. I'm not using any excuse for behaviors, I genuinely want to know so I can do better and learn what has hurt people and how I can fix myself. I don't want to be the person that keeps hurting others without knowing. I want to learn what I've done is wrong and correct my behavior. This is learning for me, I am trying to learn and change myself. I am really, really sorry for the harm that I have caused. I can't express my regret and the hurt I've caused people.

This next part will be under read more but I want to address this while I'm sitting in the hospital waiting to get checked into grippy sock vacation. I am not looking for Sympathy I want to be transparent about what is going on.

Last night after being outed by rpcvent, which please don't send them hate, my inbox was flooded with death threats. Ranging from sl*tting my wrist which I have a history of SH, to being ab*rted, to much more vile things I don't feel comfortable saying. As well as being misgendered. I am not mentally well, I hide it and have been getting help for suicide idealization. Reading the anons coming in I had a moment of weakness and decided to try and do what the anons said.

I was taken to the hospital and I won't go into much detail but I am awake, waiting to be admitted to a mandated psyche ward to be watched. I let one of my friends have access to this blog to delete the anons that caused the issue. I will not have my phone, and when I return my therapist will read anything that people have sent about me to help me work though and fix myself.

[ghostlytalkin]

If C is who I'm sure it is, I believe the gif maker will give links to the private gifs of that fc if you dm them! I don't use that fc but I did dm them for a shy friend and they were lovely about providing links! It is a lot of links to bookmark though. Not sure if we're allowed to name drop either the FC or the gif maker but those gifs are still available for free if you follow the rules of the creator.

The gif maker will send you the resources if you ask nicely! Their anon is off for personal reasons but they are super sweet!

[ghostlytalkin]

as an ex member of that rp who knows what fc this is referencing the comparison of you the other day saying you hadn't seen kat mcnamara gifs in ages vs you finding out why a huge chunk of her resources were deleted just made me laugh and I feel like a terrible person because it was a loss of a lot of gifs. but the comparison reactions you had there omg

Legit shook me to the core I didn't know. But I do know which gif maker it is now and have talked with them. If you message them and are nice they will share the resources with you!

[ghostlytalkin]

according to the admins chloe left but since she was their friend I think she is still there just under a new alias and new fc/character

I haven't seen anything from them addressing that she left. If they did I can't find her. It's also possible she joined under a new alias and character/s

[ghostlytalkin]

I believe Chloe was kicked out of the rp. It's a completely different person playing that character there now

Chloe could have been and then joined with a new alias and a new set of characters. Anything is possible right now