ghostontheshoregone - Tumblr blog

[ghostontheshoregone]

October 22, 2022. 10:43 PM.

A lot has changed, blog. A lot. I moved out. I got married. I have a dog! And we might be moving from our current area to a different area later on. I love my wife, and while things aren’t perfect, I will always love her. 

Right now, I’m going through a reset, and am currently in the midst of quitting sugar... and porn. I don’t like talking about it, but I’m doing okay right now. I’m on the longest streak in a while. On the food thing, I’m about four days in, doing my best to resist temptation.

I have a bunch of electronics that I enjoy using. Bought a Win 2. Liked it, but it didn’t do what I wanted it to, so I sold it. Bought a Win Max, loved having it again... but it’s not working. I’m hoping to return it, that was a huge blow to my mood. 

Right now, old sad Manny has come out to play. I think I’m emotionally vulnerable; I have my frustrations. It will be okay. I know it will be. I had a lapse of lust towards Kayla. I really liked her. But alas, it was never meant to be.

I had a friend, Mai. A long time ago. Around Emma time, 2014. I’m going to write down what I remember, because I had forgotten about it and it’s important to me.

I was dating Emma at the time but we were keeping it a secret. I want to say it was August, maybe September or October. Things were okay. They were not as bad as they were going to be; but things were getting worse. I did everything I could to hold on; I should not have. I have a few regrets in my life. One is Tiffany. That one has kind of subsided. The other one, is Mai. Must stress; am emotionally vulnerable, and this is about reflection. This is just between me and this blog that hopefully not many people know about. 

So, I remember Mai beginning to work at Hastings, not exactly sure when. I think she was single at the time. We became fast friends, talked on Facebook, Tumblr, the whole bit. We just hit it off, and I knew I did. She was older than me, and I was very young; I was intimidated by her life experience. So we would talk and I knew she liked me and I knew I liked her, but I had to try and balance that with my relationship with Emma. But I think what we had was special, and I knew that at the time. Nothing ever happened, of course. I’m me, and I am loyal to the very end. I have questions after the fact, but if I had done things differently I would have different questions.

I think a part of me thought that she was perfect for me; we clicked, she liked video games, the whole nine yards. I remember certain exchanges that we had. The main one that I always think about was us just texting (me being deep in the relationship with Emma) and we were talking and eventually the exchange ended with her asking me “How are you still single?” And I could only sit there, amazed that lonely Reuben, never terribly popular or anything, had a girlfriend, and the one time I did someone else became interested in me.  There was one day that I had off and Emma was working. I’m pretty sure I told her I was going to hang out with Mai. Behind the scenes, as Mai and I’s friendship grew, Emma would hear about it a lot at work and it made her jealous, and I think it made our relationship worse. I don’t remember what happened that day that Mai and I hung out, but I remember her driving me around a bunch and we went to a lot of places. I want to say Mai was dating... Allison? And I think they had broken up. So I was helping her through it. Eventually, we go to the Wax Lake. I think she had been there before, of course. I remembers she parked, opened up the back of her hatchback and we just sat. I think she was pouring her heart out to me, and I remember putting my arm around her back and thinking that I wanted to kiss her; but I didn’t. I never did anything to hurt Emma. 

And the horrible part of me wishes I did. Not to hurt Emma, but because I know what I know now, that Emma and I were not meant to be. And I just found, on another one of my Tumblr pages, that she sent me a message that said “ I like that you're cute I like that you're loyal I like that you're funny I like that you're meaningful I like that you see the world beautifully I like that you're my friend I like that you listen well I like that you like me” and it hurts me, it hurts me because as much as I love my wife (and I love that I’ve ended up with her)... The past version of me that is inside of me wishes that he had broken his loyalty for her. I don’t want her now, please, if anyone reads this and reports this to someone else, I don’t want her now. I’m happy, I really am; and I know she’s happy. This isn’t an intent on cheating on my wife or anything. I don’t think we would have ended up working out. She ended up moving back to H, I think. I always regret how I left her. This was a while after Emma and I stopped dating and all that. She was leaving, and it was the ONE damn time I had a bunch of friends at the cafe part of work. I always wanted to be friends with those guys (circumstances just never lined up right) and she basically ended up saying that she was leaving and I was sad that she was going. She left, and I stayed in the  cafe, and I never saw her again. 

This is how I know I’ve changed as a person, and yet, I am still him. He is still in me. I would probably replicate the same mistakes. But knowing what I know now; I would have done everything differently. Maybe I go out with Tiffany. Maybe instead, I kiss Mai, and see where that goes; I break my rules, and maybe become something I’m not. And maybe that version of me pines for the past I have now, where I was with Emma and then I go through a bunch of shit. But I am more mature now. I’ve always been behind in my mental development.  But that was never more apparent than it has been now, as I reflect on that part of my past.

This all started when she liked our wedding week picture. I messaged her, because I remember how sad and terrible I was back then, and I am always seeking to show how I’ve changed. We talked for a bit, and when she said that she had thought about me a lot throughout the years, it brought back some of those old feelings I had. She also said I was the “damn the best guy I ever knew. I just remember hanging out and just being so happy you were in my life.” It brought up those old feelings because I knew there was at least one time she wanted me; She was ready to love me; And I would have loved her, certainly. But I don’t think I was ready for that. I was too immature. And that’s okay. Financially, emotionally, I was not ready. So here we are.

This is a eulogy of that time, of opportunities lost. Of lost possibilities. I mourn it. But the way I work through these things, to be really nerdy, is like Astro City #1/2. I’m Michael Tenicek. And writing this, explaining my thoughts aloud so that  I can reflect on it later is my Hanged Man. I don’t regret what I am now. I would never do that. But I regret myself, in 2014. Not taking those different decisions. If I could have Multiverse TV and see what would have happened, I would be happy.

In saying all of this, I have to say how much I love my wife. I am zen with her; I don’t feel that manic desire of losing control of myself when I’m with her. I’m at peace. And I love that I am in peace when I’m with her. She is everything I’m not; good with tools and stuff like that. Before her, I had just this manic lack of self control; which is why it hurt so much when my prior exes broke up with me. 

While I did end up forgetting, it ended up coming back, and with this, I go to my sleep, where I will not forget, but I will keep my understanding and slowly put this away as I work through the rest of my radiation from that time. I really am better than what I was and I’m looking forward to fixing some of my mistakes and then doing better. 

[ghostontheshoregone]

August 13, 2018. 7:56 PM. August 23, 2018. 7:53 PM.

So much has happened... So much. I want to chronicle it down somewhere. Things to not be forgotten, no matter how things work out in the future... this time has been extremely interesting, enlightening, tiring... and wonderful. A swirl of emotions. 

So, I have this friend. To make it on the nose enough... let’s call her Joann. We’ve been through some stuff this year. Long story short; we reconnected after a few years of not talking. I almost dated her, she chose someone else, and now she’s seeing me? Apparently. I withstood her onslaught for a couple of months, and things came to a head on the 4th. 

She said she “wanted a man to go to church with.” I was debating on dating/anything at the time. We went to church and we had fun. Afterwards, we went to Target and we just hung out, joked around, that kind of thing. We go back to my SUV/car thing. Then we just continue to hang out, as she waits for me to make my move, we keep talking and then we get into a two hour staring match because of course we do, it’s me, and I was trying to delay everything. I didn’t think she was good for me. She had hurt me already... But I don’t know. The more I hung out with her the more I let my guard down. The better I felt. We kissed for a little while. I was a little slow to feel, but I started to feel something. The whole experience was silly. It suits me. Kissing her... stirred something in me. It was nice and scary all at the same time. 

I told J about it pretty much after it happened. Monday, the 5th, Joann and I talked about it. She said that J had my balls and blah blah blah, and then decided if it was the worst she had to deal with then it wouldn’t be so bad. We made tentative plans to hang out with the group on Wednesday. After some back and forth and some minor drama, we get everything figured out and sorted and Joann was on track to join everyone. This was on the 8th. 

We slept together on the 7th, the day before. We were hanging out then, talking about how absurd that Saturday was. One thing led to another. We were making out. Then eventually she beckoned me to her bed. I tried to stall for as long as I could, and then... we did it. It probably wasn’t great, but I felt like it was... okay. I was funny. Open, talking about everything. 

We did it again that week , Thursday, the 8th, I believe. I’ve been so busy I’ve barely had time to write, and to remember.... The second time was a little better. I was a little more in control, able to react and think about what I was going to do.  

I no longer remember when the third and forth times were. I know it was probably when I spent the night there with her. And despite my problems, I know I did my best to make her happy. I think I did okay. 

And so far, I think this is the most emotionally balanced I have ever been in a relationship. I feel like I make her happy and that scares her because she genuinely hasn’t had anyone like that in her life, apparently? I hope things go well with us. I know I make her happy. I only hope that I can keep up with her. And that she will wait for me when I need to slow down. 

[ghostontheshoregone]

February 12th, 2018. 10:00 PM

I’m annoyed. But this is why things didn’t happen. I’m done being hurt. I can pull away a bit.

I gotta figure out some stuff. But there’s a relief in knowing that things happened or didn’t for a reason

I’ll always love her. But she’s selfish and takes everyone for granted. I deserve better than that. No need to hold on to something that isn’t worth holding on to.

[ghostontheshoregone]

January 21, 2018. 10:55 PM

Had the talk with J. She was understanding enough. I wasn't mad or anything. I just told her how I felt. How I had feelings for her and I realized that she wouldn't reciprocate. And I got it out.

I meant every word I said. But now I can let it go.

[ghostontheshoregone]

December 9, 2017. 5:30 PM

I believe in love. I believe in loving someone. Because I do love someone. I love this post on Tumblr that says more than friends but nothing else.

It is what it is. But I need to learn more about myself. And what to do with my life. And how to love someone.

I want to be happy. I want to be a better Christian.

[ghostontheshoregone]

November 16th, 2017 7:03 AM

I think this has been really lethargic for me. 

(I hope this isn’t the cycle from 2014...)

Thinking on it today, if I had to choose to Jessica being out of my life or in it... by default, I want her in it. Yeah, she hurt me, but you know what? I love her. Not in that way, not romantically, but I appreciate her in my life, and I want her in it no matter what. She is my comrade. A good friend of mine, almost a best friend. 

If she wants to leave, or if things implode because of the shrapnel that’s about to hurt us all, I’ll get it. But today brings a clarity that I needed.

Either things will be okay, or our friendship won’t be the same. We will see. 

[ghostontheshoregone]

November 14th, 2017. 11:56 PM

I want to write this because I keep relapsing, but no more. J’s being more distant and weird, I’m really confused by it. Not in a “Will she love me” sort of way but more like in a “What the hell is going on? Things have changed suddenly” and I’m really confused about how short she’s being. It makes me want to back off and see what happens.

 I want to write about memories I’ve had with her. Good ones. Even though there are diminishing returns… I want to remember the good times I’ve had with her.

 The first time her and I had hung out, outside of Ginger, outside of everyone, was when we met up at Wal-Mart. We started talking and I was excited and a little nervous, but things came pretty easily. Eventually she looked for these randomized Batman V. Superman toy/collectible things (Damn straight I’m gonna call these toys… maybe small collectibles. Okay, collectibles. I’ll take that) and she was looking for a what I think was a specific Batman one. She decided she was gonna buy a bunch of them. I decided to pitch in and buy the ones she wasn’t going to buy, because she said she could afford those, and go to her car and open them all up, and if she didn’t get the one she wanted she was gonna come back and buy the rest, and I figured if someone else came in and bought them she’d be screwed, so I bought the ones she didn’t get and we went to her car and opened them all up. She got the Superman she wanted and the Batman she wanted and let me have an extra. I remember talking to her up to that point and it was pretty fun. I didn’t have feelings or anything, but I was happy talking to her. We talked a bit about Pokemon Go, and she was all “I got it” because I treated her like she hadn’t played the game. I do that with everyone, up to a point. Gotta work on that even now. But overall, I had hope. I knew she liked me. In whatever way, I was glad to have someone else in my life.

 I believe it was around a week later, not for sure, but she was in town again, shopping at Target. I decided to meet up with her, and we hung out again. I could be getting the timeline wrong—but it doesn’t matter. Around up to this point we had been talking every day—paragraphs of stuff to each other. It was nice. We shopped around Target and just talked. We may have gone to other places, I’m not sure. The moment that I remember was (I told her this before, but her reaction was great) “I just have to let you know… I was a Marvel fan” and she had this fake shocked reaction that was awesome. I don’t know why I choose to remember that… but alas. Around when we first met we sat in her car and just talked a lot. I can’t remember what we talked about… only that the conversation was good, and at that time, I didn’t run out of things to say.

 I believe this last time was the day she was… recovering from sickness? Sad about the guy that was giving her trouble at work? I don’t remember. I think we were Pokemon Go-ing. She had bought food and we were sitting at the tables in front of the Art Museum in the square. Again… Can’t remember what we talked about, only it was that kind of shy talk one has with another when one likes the other. With the slight butterflies. I don’t know. I think I remember us going to HEB to get food there. It’s been a while… This was around when we first met. And we had just hung out all day, until the night, where we had spent hours with each other… I think I had to open the next day? We were watching cringe videos or something. I had the feeling that she didn’t want me to go when I said I had to leave… I think she wanted to kiss me. Or something. Later on she would tell Ging that she was only doing it because she felt lonely, and stopped herself.

 I think that’s why God has me where I am. It’s why we didn’t end up together. And just because we’re not together NOW doesn’t mean it’ll never happen… But God has His ways. I think if we had ended up together she would have been bored of me. Or something bad would have happened, and we wouldn’t speak to each other anymore. I hope we don’t get to that point anyways, but… I look upon the horizon, and it doesn’t look great. I could see everything blowing up, and everyone going their separate ways.

 I hope I learn to handle things better, and if it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t want to hold on to something that I shouldn’t be holding on to. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t be sad at what’s happening. It’s like she’s pulling away, being distant. Ever since her birthday. Her messages have gotten shorter, and it’s just weird. It’s out of nowhere, and I hope Ging hasn’t said anything. I don’t know. I don’t really trust anyone that much, and if Ging told J something, all the more reason I should stop talking. And J not wanting to wait to see Justice League, I understand. But it hurts my feelings because she’s so selfish. And I love her, but that sucks. She’d never love me like I do her.

 American Gods has shown me something in Shadow’s and Laura’s relationship. Laura loved Shadow like a pet. And I don’t want to be a pet to anyone. I think I’ve been a pet to J… Something akin to that. And that’s just… not cool. If that’s really how it is, then I really need to pull away… my wandering isn’t over, and I won’t find what I’m looking for in J.

I will never stop loving her. But that love has evolved. I don’t want to be with her. But I’ll just keep loving her, and see how that fire subsides, and where my life will go from here. I stayed here for her. What will happen now?

I’m so sad that it’s come to this. I thought I was close to my soulmate. But alas, not quite. I am fractured.

[ghostontheshoregone]

November 8th, 2017. 1:45 AM. About November 7th, 2017.

The four of us had just watched Thor Ragnarok. It was okay. We saw the 9:30 showing. It was gonna be J, Ging, Tristan and then me, but then Tristan switched with J and I sat by her. Bickering was had. 

After the movie, we went to the apartment complex. I got in her car and got her all the stuff I had been buying. It was nice to just see her reactions and talk to her a bit. This reset is going well so far. It didn’t hurt at all. It was fun. We were both tired. Was it ideal? No. But I was happy enough explaining everything to her and seeing her reactions and stuff. She asked me questions about each book I had gotten and I answered them and I saw her frustrations and stuff. I looked in her eyes to see if she was holding back tears, but she wasn’t, I don’t think. I think I made her sad. But I dunno. I had fun. 

She’s not the one for me. I’m getting better. Today didn’t hurt at all. She’ll be one of my ghosts, but it will end eventually. I love her as a friend. I’m happy that I know her. And I’m happy that I got to give her a little joy. It’s a part of who I am, overdoing it for people that I love. It’s stopping, though. This is the end of it. Or the ending of it. 

I wish it could have worked out better, but there is a reason it isn’t. And that’s okay. And I’m okay. Things are great, and I’m blessed. And eventually... I’ll find the one that’s for me.

[ghostontheshoregone]

November 5th, 2017. 9:42 AM

So today was fun! But I am pretty wiped. Hung out with Ging and J today. It was pretty great, the only bad thing was that I started to get hungry so my energy levels started to go down, and then I was getting even more drained so that I didn’t talk as much. I didn’t mean to, just sort of happened. 

Earlier this week I had to go to the academy for Wal-Mart, which was a waste of time but a good change of pace and I needed the break. This past Friday, the 3rd, I went to Stephenville to get J a record player that was only really sold at Hastings. I’m confident that she’s gonna love it. I want to write this because of this.

Ging and Tristan split off because Tristan’s truck was having trouble. I went with J because she had to put gas in her car. Then she went and drove me to my car. I put up the comics I had bought (all 2 of them) and then went and gave her the stuff I had pulled aside for her, which was a box I bought at the Antique Mall in Arlington and a copy of the original Kingdom Hearts for the PS2, black label version, along with the first memory card I had ever gotten for the PS2. Earlier this year, I got around the part she had gotten stuck on because her save wiped itself, and I had always planned to do that for her. I was gonna wait, but I decided that was something I could do for her tonight. She was so stunned that I’m sure she wanted to cry. She kept saying I was ridiculous and couldn’t believe what I did. And she said over and over again. Then I said “I think you want to use a different word than that.” And then she said that it was so sweet. And I know it was... She was so impressed that I had gotten her the box and the coins and everything. It made everything... worth it, and I appreciated that she appreciated it. 

I don’t regret anything I did for her. I still need to figure out my feelings, but overall I don’t regret doing that for her. She’s had such a tough year. I wanted to make her happy. She made it easy to do that. 

I’m signing off, but I’m sure I’ll write again Wednesday/Thursday, the day or two after her birthday. 

[ghostontheshoregone]

November 1st, 2017. 10:28 PM

It’s so weird. I fought hard to be here. To stay here because of her. I made my brother suffer so that I could stay here because of her. 

She showed me a vulnerability last night, and it was so weird. I don’t know why all of a sudden she was so worried about stuff. I don’t know. I also don’t know why the images of her doing that have been burned into my head.

I love her. I’m in a bit of mania right now. But I do. I have a mountain of stuff I got for her birthday. And I was worried it wasn’t enough. Pft. I’ve done MORE than enough. And yet I’m gonna do more. It’s not about doing it so that I get something out of it. It’s about making someone happy who I love, romantically or not. I’d do the same with Megan, only to a lesser extent. 

It all comes down to this. Will it end? I feel like after I give her everything, I’m gonna be really sad and empty. I will do better on the PMO front. This time... it feels different. I hate that I let it get this bad. 

I’m in no rush. I dislike that I’m not in a relationship right now, but I know that it’s not the best time. God... I still wish it was her. I can wish for that, but know it won’t happen. I think she’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to a soulmate. Or something.

I’m projecting too much. I’m projecting SO much. It’s not healthy. I’ll keep working on it. God knows how I feel. I trust in His infinite wisdom. I used to feel the same way about Ammegas. 

I gotta get through Saturday. And then things sort of just... even out. 

[ghostontheshoregone]

September 1st, 2017. 12:08 AM.

I thought this year would be different. And maybe it still will be.

It's been... different. Teetering on the edge. Just have to wait and see, yeah? Though expectation is the root of all heartache. And maybe that's how I'd describe the year so far. Heartache.

I finally stop looking to Jessica for... Anything. If I had to move away... I think it would be good for me. We will see.

[ghostontheshoregone]

August 19, 2017. 3:45 PM.

They're all going to Anime-Fest. Sounds like it'd be fun! Not really my thing, though. She's probably mildly disappointed I'm not going. *Shrug* With her, I've learned that anything means nothing. Don't look into anything with her. It means nothing. With me, it's the opposite. Everything I do for them means the world to me. I think it'll stop after her birthday/Christmas. I've never been into cosplaying or anything like that. I'd be bored/overwhelmed with the amount of people that'd be there. Hoping that I get THIS management position. God will let happen what should happen. A part of me just wants to leave. AGAIN. Is it G? Because I don't think about it unless I'm with them hanging out. I don't know. I've definitely gotten back into the hobby of collecting and reading comics again! I'm enjoying the heck out of it again. I can thank her for getting me back into it, but the hobby is mine again. I'm happy collecting for DC and other stuff as the times arise. Money's tight but I am super enjoying myself. I'm loving the collecting and getting stuff to start to read. I'm tired, and I feel myself trying to detach more. I feel like I'm doing good.

[ghostontheshoregone]

August 7th, midnight.

Drifting apart. What I always feared would happen.

I still love her. But things will never be the same. It’s all of a sudden easier to let go. There is a distance we will never cross. She’s too selfish, too distant. I am too. But I feel like I try to cross the divide. She doesn’t really. And why should she try to? I am nothing special. Just another notch on the belt.

She’s another ghost that will haunt me.

I miss her. I miss what we had. But if I can’t speak to her, if things are different than what they used to be, then I have to be okay with that. Things have turned out how they needed to be.

I wish things would be different. But alas, they are not. It makes me sad, but I’ll get over it.

[ghostontheshoregone]

August 2nd, 9:44 AM.

I keep failing! Damn it! I am so emotionally tired. Hoping the car is fixed. But me failing every ten days or so isn't helping. I don't know why, but the urge just takes over me and overrides my wants. This year is going to end with Jessica and I basically stop talking, isn't it. I don't want that to happen. I still need to talk to her about what happened, but I doubt she'll ever want to. I feel like I'm growing to resent her, ever so slightly. And I hate that. I love her. It may not be in that way, but I still do. As much as I hate closing the door on the possibility on us ever being together, it's never gonna happen. I need to heal. We wouldn't work. I would resent her immaturity and selfishness. It would bug me to no end. I think the fact that there are remnants of what was before bugs me most of all. I never truly got over the pain. I only swept it under the rug. I want to be by happy for her as a friend. Right now, I wouldn't be able to. I keep looking for solace in others. I don't want that. I like C, but I'm flogging a dead horse. She's a friend. End of story. Buuuuuuut just because we're friends doesn't mean I can't enjoy her company. I need other people in my life. I can't just lean on her for everything. The way I think I know she's not for me? There is a distance I'll never cross with her. Talking to her is not easy. At least not anymore. And that's how I know for sure.

[ghostontheshoregone]

July 16, 2017. 12:44 AM

Today I saw Jessica, and she was hanging out with Chris. It was kind of weird. I think he may have been threatened by me? *Shrug*

I feel... sad. I feel bad for her, and honestly I don’t know if it’s because of the carbonated drinks or something that’s raising my heartbeat, but today I was especially in love with her. I don’t want to be. 

A part of me thinks that we would be great together. Another part of me thinks that it just wouldn’t work. A part of me thinks that something would have happened by now, but none of my relationships have occurred quickly. And every time I think I would get an opportunity, something happens to knock her down, puts her back emotionally, and makes it where it’s not a good time. 

I know what Ginger’s told me. Everything always plays in my head, forwards and backwards, haunting me, giving me now peace.

I was on Plenty of Fish and I saw that Emma was on there. I’m bummed, as I want her to be happy. I always wonder-- does she ever think about me? Does she miss me? Does she understand me better having been and gone through what she went through with Colton? 

The best and worst part of me is that I can’t let go. I’m holding on to everything so fucking hard, and I don’t know if I should. I want to be able to let go. But also I want to fight for what I want. And that’s hard. I want what I want, but I don’t want to end up alone. But I don’t think she wants me. And that’s okay. 

I need to talk to her about it. One day...

[ghostontheshoregone]

July 3rd, 2017. 1:22 PM.

Hey Ghostontheshore. It’s been a while. So much has happened while I’ve been gone.

 As you already know, I fell in love with Jessica pretty hard. I’d like to think that I got over that pretty quick. I may still be in love with her because I still hang out with her a lot. I don’t know. 

 So about a month or so ago I found out that my brother’s job might be moving to Plano. Well, it is, and so he wants to move around August. I’m... not ready to leave. I think Jessica’s the main reason why I don’t want to go. I don’t want to tell my family that. Look, I know what I know, but I love her at the very least as a friend. Oh God...

 We’re not meant to be together. She doesn’t see me that way. I feel like I’d be wasting my time. I should talk to her about it. Just to get it off my chest. If she’s the main reason why I don’t want to leave... that’s not really a good enough reason to stay. But I want to stay regardless. At least until the end of the year. I want to give her a really good birthday.

 I shouldn’t stay. My car’s breaking down. I don’t make that much money. But for now, I like my job. But if I can transfer?  I should help my family out, right? I love them!

But I’m not being rational. I’m being entirely emotional. That’s who I am. I just have to wonder… Why? I feel like it really wouldn’t be so bad living with them.  With Tristan and Ginger. They work like all the time. I only cook about once or so a week. I think I could make it work. There’s stuff I’d have to get used to doing. But I can do it. I know I can. I’d have to let certain stuff go by the wayside a little bit. But I know myself. I can do it. I at least want to try. I want to try to make manager. I want more experience.

 I know how all this ends. I think I’m sort of just delaying the inevitable. Ginger and Tristan leave next year. Jessica moves out to Fort Worth with Chris and I barely see her again. But I don’t know. I’m happy right now. I think I want to stay and see how things play out.

 I think I should talk to her about my feelings. But then I shouldn’t. I know things wouldn’t work out. At least, I don’t think they would, and I know she doesn’t feel the same way. But I think I owe it to her, and to myself, to be honest about everything. It would help me move on even more.

   �y}�T?�

[ghostontheshoregone]

April 3, 2017. 1:26 A.M.

I don’t know why. It’s always at night that everything stops; the apartment stops. My movement stops. My phone stops. eBay, the auctions, shopping ends. But the wants don’t. I feel like I’m still stuck. Stuck in a job I don’t want. During times I don’t want. Always longing for more. My life isn’t over. Nothing like that. It’s like I’ve been working up the desire to start studying. But it’s always at night that I feel alone.

 My wants and desires catch up to me at night. I’m reminded I’m not where I want to be. I was at least okay a few months ago, having finally come to peace with what was burning me up. And then I let someone in, I got my hopes up, I thought for once, I can see everything clearly now and then it didn’t work out. And I got hurt. It comes and goes. I’ve had all weekend to not talk to her, and it’s helped. But I saw Ginger and them today, and I don’t know if it reminded me of it, but it’s like the pain I was beating rose to remind me of my failure.

 But it’s not even my failure! It’s nothing I did! She just doesn’t want me! I’m not gonna demonize her for that! She couldn’t help getting my hopes up!

 But she did. I felt lead on. It’s one thing to go, “Oh, I just don’t like him.” But no, you go on about how fucked up your family is, how you’re a virgin, and that you consider yourself demisexual (body parts don’t matter) and about how all the friends you make eventually end up leaving. Forgive me for thinking that I had finally found someone really cool that I have a lot in common with. That I actually really connected with and I knew that you did too.

 I really shouldn’t have asked Ginger things. I should have just gone by what I had seen. Ginger was just the extra fire that made everything worse. It’s not her fault though, and I love her being there for me.

 But if I had, well, she was acting weird, according to Ging, and it was something she had never seen before in her 9 years of knowing her! Like of COURSE if you grab my hand I’m gonna take it that you like me!  No one DOES that! That’s not a normal thing to do!

 I’m more frustrated with the fact that, one, I don’t feel a connection with anyone right now. I just… don’t. This whole thing has me down.

 I am not just a machine that you get to relieve your loneliness from. I’m not something you use and just get to throw away. Yes, I am available, but damn it, I’m funny, I’m pretty handsome, and I’m not a bad guy. I have a lot to offer a person and I have a lot to learn.

 At least with Jessica, she realized that she didn’t want me before we got too serious or anything. We’re gonna be really good friends, at the very least.

 And with Courtney… no. Just… no. I’m attracted to her, and she’s alright to talk to, but one, I’m messed up from the Jessica thing, and two, I don’t trust her. I don’t want anyone right now. Right now, I just want to get back to zero.

 I’m hoping that the new job comes through, or that Amazon calls me, or that I get promoted or moved so that I can get more/better hours. I want to help out the family more or just move out. I need a change. I need to move. I need to get away. I want to be alone. I want to be with someone. I want to be loved, but I want to love back. With Elizabeth… that situation was too one sided, she didn’t give me enough space, and I couldn’t give her enough of what she wanted. It wouldn’t have gone well. I hurt her enough. I feel that same hurt now. I’m dealing with it. I think I’m handling it better than she is. I can still be friends with the person who hurt me. I never wanted to date her anyways. Not at first.

 It’ll come, Lord. I know it will. Help me forgive Jessica. Help me move on. Give me patience.