gianconel

[gianconel]

Over the last twelve months..

It’s been over a year since I last wrote an entry on this blog, since I last felt extreme distress in life. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I have unconsciously decided to create an unofficial blog I’ll write to, whenever I’m in great frustration or sadness or whatever extreme feeling you could think of. This time, it’s completely different from the first one I had written. While the first one was about a break up with a someone I used to date, this time it’s a catching up on how far I’ve come as compared to the last time.  

Basically I’d like to highlight some significant changes in me, or in my life, that happened over the last twelve months. I don’t really have a friend or friends I could tell this to so I’m writing it here instead. Anyway, that’s besides the point. Let’s get started. 

First, my name is now longer by a couple letters. No, I didn’t get married and hyphenated my name with my spouse’s. Sadly, that option isn’t possible here. This time last year, I finally took the CPA Licensure Exam after struggling to make it out of college for five years, and reviewing independently for five more months after graduating. My break up last year with Rize happened in the middle of my board exams, but luckily, the break up wasn’t sad enough to stop me from giving my best. On October 21, 2019, somewhere around 11:00 PM, the results came out and I was shaking as I scrolled through the list of passers. I let out a huge sigh of relief upon seeing my name. “I finally made it,” I said to myself. But little did I know that was hardly the beginning of it all. 

During that same week, I also took the U.S. CMA Exam and then moving forward to December 2019, I received two emails from IMA confirming that I passed both parts of the exam. That time, I felt less pressure since it was not my primary objective after graduating college. It was more of a safety net that I was setting for myself, in case I decide to work abroad and I would have an additional credential from an internationally recognized institution that I could present, since the CPA title is not recognized anywhere else than the Philippines. However, looking back at it now, I have not fully realized the benefits of passing the CMA exam, because passing is just one thing. Before you can even use the title and get your license, you need to have two years of meaningful work experience. Although I am not entirely sure if your work experience needs to be related to specific fields of the industry. Which brings me to my second point, I am now officially a corporate slave.

Four months after passing the CPA Board Exams, or exactly February 24, 2020, I started with my first job ever as a Financial Reporting Analyst 1 for Citibank NA - ROHQ. Citi was not exactly my first choice in the list of companies where I wanted to work but the other companies did not respond to my applications while Citi already gave their job offer which is definitely not bad, so I accepted it. In my current role, when I started with my trainings and modules, it all felt like I was starting from scratch again. I was clueless 90% of the time during my training sessions with my seniors and would often zone out. The general concept of our team is related to a topic that we had in college, but the processes and the systems were all new. It did not even require a CPA license, that’s how different it is. I applied for this role thinking that it was going to be exactly like what we did in Financial Accounting and Reporting but boy, I was so wrong. I will expound further on my role and my job description later on with another post. I’m too lazy to collect my thoughts and ideas about it at the moment. 

(I had so many thoughts when I started writing this post but now I’m too lazy to continue it from here)

The last significant change that I noticed in myself is how I’m less extroverted now. I wouldn’t exactly consider myself as an introvert yet, but (wow this is getting more personal, time to play Lorde -- now playing: Perfect Places) I can say I definitely became less independent of any relationship outside of my own family. I can now spend weeks hardly talking to or having any type of interaction with any of my friends. Ironically, the song has a line that says “Now I can’t stand to be alone..” but I feel like I am the complete opposite at the moment. I am better at treading life alone, with little to no connection with anyone. Is the correct word “selfish’ if I say that over the past few months, my focus has been directed towards myself, where I’m at, and where I want to be? I don’t feel as enthusiastic whenever there’s a scheduled call with my friends, maybe because this pandemic took away from us to see one another personally. Maybe because I don’t necessarily miss talking to them, but because I miss being with them, physically, personally. I want to know how they’re doing, I want to know what’s up with them, but I don’t want to hear it through a call, I want to hear it in person, over glasses of shots or over cups of coffee. And maybe until we get the chance to do that, I still won’t be as interested in catching up. 

Speaking of relationships and friendships, I have not made any attempts of dating anyone for months. Incredible how this lockdown really spoiled dating for me. Hahaha. Like I said, I have become more focused on myself now and I don’t see the point of dating or committing to someone who you’re not sure if they’re planning to intertwine their life plan with yours. And for someone whose love language is physical touch, mere online dating really doesn’t work for me. I want to feel the thrill of going out on a physical date, seeing a film, cuddling, and etc. All of those without the fear of catching the virus. 

Anyway, as always, I have no idea how I’m going to close this post. But you got what I wanted to share already and I believe that’s more than enough. All I’m trying to say is, I’m not the same person who wrote that first post about his break up. Yes, I am still in deep uncertainty and I still have worries, but they are on a different level now. More of an adult level, lol. Byezzzzz.

P.S. Oh, and I finally started watching Rupaul’s Drag Race 4 or 5 months ago. Hahahaha it’s the best, yesss gawd mawma!!!!

[gianconel]

I wanna die. Again.

It’s been 3 days since Rize and I broke up and since I found out he cheated on me a week before. We were (wow, it hurts to talk about it in past tense) in a relationship for almost 6 months, and we were really going great. Well, at least that’s what I thought.

At first, Rize and I were just supposed to be a one-night stand. That first sex was great as it was supposed to be a no-strings-attached kind of thing. But few days after, we kept talking to each other and asking stuff about each other and we started to have actual conversations about ourselves. Not just our bodies, but ourselves. Then, he asked me out for ice cream. He lives in the same condominium building as I do, but in a different tower. That was why it was easy for us to connect and really form a bond with each other. It wasn’t hard for me to fall in love with him because during the first few weeks of, hmmmm, “landian”, he was the sweetest guy I was ever involved with. He’d ask me where I was only to bring me treats. Sometimes it was milk tea, or donnuts, or chocolates and candies, samosas, and a lot more. There were times we gave each other stuffed toys and happy meal toys and we named all of them. Pillboi, Timba, Peanut, Ugly, and Gogor. We’d sleep next to them and made sure they were witnesses of our blooming relationship then.

I’m not even gonna hold back, but the past 6 months with him were some of the happiest and fullest moments of my life. I didn’t think I’d experience it but the joy of having someone is really amazing. Having someone to go home to, someone to be silly with, someone to go on dates with, someone to binge-watch with, someone to play games with, to shower with, and someone to love. I could go on and on about how fulfilling it was to have Rize with him. I never felt lonely during our short relationship because he was always there. To hold me and to make me feel loved.

I really swore to myself to give it my all, without expecting anything in return. Just love. My last relationship wasn’t even close to how pleasant it was to be with Rize, my baby. I could have a long day from studying but I wouldn’t mind passing to MiniStop and buy Rize his favorite chicken empanada, plus mountain dew, and some chichirya. Later on, I’d get him the jumbo siopao bola-bola. He always loved it when I hand him what I bought for him. I’d buy him food and in exchange, he gives me kisses and hugs me when I sleep. I can’t find another word for it, but it was amazing. I felt happy. I felt, you know, at home. It was like, for the first time ever, I was willing to give all the love that I have to someone who I thought deserved it, and I got it from him as well.

I also remember those times I’d go and accompany him to apply for law school. We went to San Beda and DLSU. I really wished for him to get into his dream school. And when his law school in La Salle started, I cheered him up during the first few weeks where he would feel lost and that maybe, perhaps, law school wasn’t for him. I even helped him for the printing of his cases. I had let him borrow my printer and print his cases for him. I even bought a continuous ink-system (CIS) just so he wouldn’t have to shell out at least 500 pesos every time the cartridge ran out of ink. I didn’t mind spending days trying to install that stupid CIS and getting ink leak all over my hands, because I just wanted for my baby to have one less thing to worry about. I got it to be 85% functional so it was worth it in the end.

To sum up our relationship, it was filled with MiniStop food, playing Mobile Legends, lots of cuddling and sex, binge-watching Dynasty and The Good Place, case-printing, silly dancing, dates to New Bombay and so much more. I just can’t believe that it was going to end too soon, right when I already had plans for us in the future. Me, working as a CPA somewhere, going home to my law-student boyfriend and cuddling each other to sleep to relieve our stress from our long day.

How did we fall out? I don’t know either. But let me tell you about the last week of our relationship.

I had about a week left to study for the board exams and I was as tensed and nervous as ever. And just like he always was, he was ‘makulit’. Teasing me, singing ilocano songs, annoying me and somehow that got into my nerve. I could tell I was so grumpy and I wish I was more patient because I did feel like I was projecting my anxiety towards him and he didn’t deserve any of it. I remember him telling me “Baby, sungit ka naman. Lagi mo naman ako away na.” And the morning I woke up, I did feel guilty. Later that day, I apologized. I said sorry for how I acted and I was legit apologetic. Little did I know that he would cheat that day.

It took me a week before I found out that he cheated by looking through his phone while he was asleep. I just knew something was up. I had this gut feeling that something was definitely up. He wasn’t supportive for my board exams, he stopped saying “I love you”, he started replying late, and there were no more good morning/good night messages. It was so off. And I had to find out what’s going on.

(my hearts starting to race as I’m writing this part)

If you’re wondering about my reaction, I was shaking. I could feel myself getting cold, and I could hardly hold on to his phone as I scrolled through messages he sent, inviting someone over to his place for sex. He was asleep, and I was there, feeling defeated, betrayed, helpless, and it was like I had a lump in my throat. Should I cry? Should I wake him up? Should I be violent, or should I be calm? Should I end it? Should I stay? I was in an extreme state of shock, and I still am, honestly. Long story short, we ended it. Our relationship, which had so much potential, ended. In a snap. Just like that.

The first question that I asked him, “bakit ka nag-cheat?” And later it was “nagkulang ba ako? Saan ako nagkulang?” I was a mixture of angry and sad and torn. I can’t believe it happened again. It happened before and I know I had my shortcomings but I gave this one my all. People have been telling me that it’s not my fault, and it’s entirely his choice. He said that too. But what if it was actually mine? This is his first time cheating, as far as I know. So what if I unconsciously made him do it? Is there anything I could’ve done to stop it from happening? I just have so many questions. So, so many questions, but I’m getting 0 answers.

Right now, days are starting to get harder. This isn’t the first time I got cheated on, so I was expecting myself to be better at handling this. But I don’t think I am. I still feel lost. I’m still wallowing in this pity party for myself that I thought I could skip through. Three days feel like forever. I could feel it getting heavier every second. I wanna cry and weep but I’m still in a state of shock. I still can’t believe it – Rize and I are over. I have forgotten how to live by myself, but I have to learn again no matter how painful it is. It’s like having to peel off a happy smile from face to unveil the misery and depression once again. It’s so hard. It’s so so hard. It’s a combination of panic, of heartbreak, and of that heavy sensation in your chest. It’s paralyzing, crippling. I thought I was gonna be stronger and trust me, I am trying my best but I really suck at dealing with pain. A part of me just wants to sleep and rest and I don’t wanna see anything or anyone until I’m okay. Days are heavy enough, but nights are heavier. My bed feels empty. I want to scream in silence. It’s harder to function, to breathe, to face the world. Right now, I wanna die. Again. I’ve been through this and I thought the next time I was in a dark place was going to be a piece of cake, but it definitely doesn’t feel like that right now. I’m lost. The things I used to do to de-stress don’t even work anymore. So right now, I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.

There’s no happy ending to this first blog post. It doesn’t need to be a happy conclusion. There’s no lesson for me to share because I have no idea what the fuck I’m gonna do next. It’s a story of how I was happy and now I’m broken.

But just like what Ella (Lorde) said, “and in my darkest hours, I stumble on a secret power. I’ll find a way to be without you, babe.” So that’s exactly, what I’m expecting to happen.

Anyway, I better study. I still have a title to earn. Bye. Thanks for reading.