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Hi! Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've mentioned that Eddie's color is yellow, to Buck's blue. What do you think the lavender tank top means in that context?

Hi darling, I can't even begin to explain the frenzy this put me in sopkasokasask I was writing meta in my dreams last night lol

I hadn't considered this angle, because yes, purple is a complementary color to yellow, and this would be the first time we see Eddie in purple. And the show does use complementary colors, see the way Buck has a lot of red in his palette, and they use green to say something is wrong.

But that made me think about Buck and orange, since orange is the complementary color for blue, and I have been thinking about Buck and orange for a while, especially since it made a comeback during the fight in 817. I call orange Buck's therapy color, because it's a color he's wearing during his therapy session at the beginning of s4 but it's a color that's present when Buck is pushed to change, when he learns new stuff, and is forced to confront himself in ways he doesn't like to do a lot.

He starts and solves the lawsuit, he goes to therapy, he finds out about Daniel, he says the thing that makes Eddie tell him about the will and makes him confront who he is to Chris, and when he is forced to confront who he is as a partner to Eddie. And orange is a color about resilience and comfort, but it's also about headstrongness and being set in your ways, and I feel like it plays both with Buck's refusal to accept change and represents the thing that Buck graves, it's about Buck wanting stability but being stuck in his ways.

And looking at the lavender in this context is very interesting because lavender is about healing, renewal, self discovery. Which plays with the same concepts as the orange with Buck, but in the way Eddie needs them to be, mostly because most of what Eddie needs to change is about accepting things within himself, while with Buck it's about him coming to terms with the way the rest of the world affects him.

But when you look at lavender from "negative" point of view, lavender can be associated with a lack of urgency, taking your time with something you might not have time to waste on, and it plays with the overarching arc Eddie has of always being a little bit too late, assuming he will have more time. And that would make it play with the same stubbornness as the orange with Buck.

There's also the way lavender is also a color for the "hopelessly romantic" with the way it can be used for love and adoration to the point that lavender roses are about a sense of wonder or deep love and romance, some places even say it's about love at first sight, so it is historically tied to romance in a more naive way, bringing it back to the infinite possibilities of being in love with someone, finding magic in it and the vulnerability that comes with.

So it could play in the same space as Buck wanting stability with orange, and representing the thing Eddie craves, the magic of that acceptance.

I also think the shade plays with my ever-evolving theory that Eddie will play in light colors with his queer arc in the same way Buck plays in the darker one during his, to kinda mirror the whole situation, especially because Eddie has been in black A LOT since s7 began. Because Buck used to wear a lot of bright jewel tones, vibrant blues and reds, and his color palette was a lot more muted and darker since his bi arc.

And Eddie's palette is the earthy, darker, army tones, and I'm expecting to see that shift, and we have seen him in greys, and caramels, and sand tones during the episodes that have movement in his personal arc that add to that.

So yeah, looking at it this way, it could absolutely play with the blue and yellow of it all, but since we don't have any other moments where Eddie is in a shade of purple, it's hard to know for sure. But from a purely color theory point of view, this could be a very interesting choice for sure. I am very interested in the way the cooler undertone is gonna play out in the grand scheme of Eddie's color theory game.

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Ok, I feel really dumb, because I can't figure this out. What is the Buck watch?

Okay, tagging @stagefoureddiediaz because Kym is the one who's been tracking the watches, but I will give you a rundown.

Eddie has had a specific off-duty watch that was different from his work watch. This one. The first time it showed up was in 406 during his date with Ana.

Kym has nicknamed it the Christopher watch. Since it showed up with Ana, it leaves the question if this is a symbol of Eddie ignoring what he wants in favor of doing what he thinks is best for Chris.

Side note, but the only other time he has a different watch is in 613 during the poker date, that pretty gold one over there.

That leads us to 810 and what we are calling the Buck watch. This blue one he's wearing during the goodbye.

Why is it interesting? Well, in the car during 810, Eddie still has the beige one, but in the hospital, he has this blue one. So, continuity doesn't matter here, the watch is supposed to be noticed.

Since the hospital, every time we see Eddie, he is wearing the watch. Except for the bit where he asks his parents to cover the chess club and the dinner he is asleep at the table. It's also there in both scenes we see of Eddie in the stills for 813.

The best thing about it? This watch is a William Wood "The Red Watch", it is available in 6 colors, the one Eddie has? Blue Fire Hose.

I don't know how much you followed of my color meta, but Buck literally works himself into a blue color during his coming out arc. So Buck is a blue character. And they gave Eddie a blue *Buck's old nickname* watch. So, yeah. Gotta love the costume department.

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the way this is a verbatim buck statement: ''buck. that's what people who know me - that's what they call me.'' but tommy never Once calls him buck. until he breaks up with him. because tommy's like i Know this isn't going to work. it can't work. it was Always going to end. because of eddie and how you feel about him.

and then eddie leaves. and 8x11 happens. tommy doesn't call refer to him by name at all in the bar scene. which means he doesn't call him "evan" again until he Knows eddie has moved. because he thinks that Maybe without eddie around.... he could still have a chance. which just proves he doesn't actually know buck. because no one could ever stand a chance against eddie

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i think he just likes to watch him run...

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Not the best reason to get back together with someone.

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so you're telling me Buck and Tommy

got together over Eddie jealousy (on both their parts, mind you)

broke up because Buck wasn't ready to come out to Eddie

got together for real this time upon Eddie's urging

broke up because of Tommy's insecurity (later revealed to be about Eddie)

hooked up (in Eddie's house) to distract Buck from missing Eddie

broke up. again. because Eddie

am I missing anything? why is their entire relationship about Eddie?

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calling it now eddie is gonna climb out of the pool soaking wet in slow motion as whatta man plays in the background before cutting to buck with a confused yet horny expression on his face

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💜 buddie!

A month after the breakup, Buck is grocery shopping with Eddie. They both needed to do their weekly run, and Buck was just gonna turn around and cook dinner at Eddie's house anyway, so they wound up at Trader Joe's together, looking at bread products. (You have to be careful about bread products at Trader Joe's. That shit goes moldy so fast.) "So, I don't know," Buck's saying, inspecting a bag of sesame bagels. "I want something serious this time. Not that Tommy and I weren't serious, but—the kids thing." Eddie's heard enough about Buck's heartache over the breakup, how Tommy was sure he never wanted kids, and if he weren't, they'd probably still be together—Buck doesn't need to rehash it all over again, especially when it keeps making his stomach hurt. "Like, like I want someone I could see a future with, this time." "You deserve that," Eddie says quietly. He puts one of those weird Danish kringle things in his cart, even though he always finds them a little disappointing, and Buck can totally pick him up better danishes at the bakery on La Cienega anyway. "Yeah," Buck says, and lifts the kringle out of Eddie's cart and puts it back. "Don't make that face at me, man, you know I'm right." Eddie doesn't stop making his little bitch face, but he doesn't put the kringle back in his cart, either. "So that's the new mission brief, right? I've gotta, like, look for the long term. Because I'm ready. I feel it, you know? I want, like—" he struggles for a second, his throat aching. He gestures helplessly at the grocery store, their two carts, the air between him and Eddie. "I want this. I want someone I can go grocery shopping with, and then, we like, go home and make dinner for our kid. That makes sense, right?"

Eddie is standing very still, for some reason, and he's looking at Buck like—like Buck is a grenade about to explode. Buck rewinds the tape, tries to think if he said anything weird, and simultaneously tries to crane his head around to see if something sinister is happening behind him in the rest of the bread aisle. As soon as Buck moves, Eddie moves, one of those decisive, perfect actions that make Eddie so good on a dangerous call. Eddie steps cleanly into him, cups a hand behind Buck's head, and pulls him down into a kiss. Buck's mind goes blank. Eddie is kissing him. He can smell Eddie, warm and familiar, so close. Eddie's mouth is so soft, the pressure so good, and Buck's opening up without really thinking about it, and then Eddie is licking into him, yanking some weird buried feeling out of the depths of Buck's chest until he feels white-hot and frantic, kissing Eddie, holy fuck, Eddie, in a Trader Joe's. Someone makes a disapproving sound, and Eddie pulls back. Some lady is trying to grab a thing of English muffins from behind Buck's head, but it's hard to focus on that when a little strand of spit connects his mouth to Eddie's mouth for one magical second before it breaks. Eddie looks—oh god. Eddie looks like someone just hit him over the head with a baseball bat. "Uh," Buck says, ducking out of the way of English muffin lady and grabbing Eddie's arm so he can't run away. "Holy shit." Eddie's arm is rigid with tension. "Sorry," he mutters. "No," Buck says, dragging Eddie up to a quieter part of the aisle. The weird supplements part, nobody cares about the weird supplements part. "No, no, you don't have to be sorry." His heart is beating so fast. Oh god, he wants to kiss Eddie again. He had no idea kissing Eddie was a possibility, and now he thinks if he goes five more minutes without kissing Eddie he might die of starvation. "Just—I didn't, um. I thought you were." "I am," Eddie says, very pale. "I mean. I'm not. I'm straight." Buck is nodding like he understands, but he doesn't understand. "Okay, you're straight," he says. He still has his hand on Eddie's arm. "And you just kissed me, because..." Eddie's eyes are real wide, like they always are when he panics. "I don't know. We're at the grocery store. You were saying, like—I don't know. I'm sorry." "Don't be sorry," Buck repeats, and—because he thinks Eddie will forgive him for it, and if it's a huge mistake at least they'll be even—he leans in and kisses Eddie again. Eddie melts into him, like, fucking immediately. Buck's heart pounds with triumph, unless it's just pounding because he's kissing Eddie. He tugs Eddie closer, and Eddie comes closer, pressing Buck into the supplements shelves. They break apart to breathe, and Buck keeps Eddie close this time, both hands on Eddie's waist. "We're at Trader Joe's," Eddie says in a small voice. "There are people here." "You started it," Buck reminds him. Eddie looks so scared. Eddie kisses him again, impulsive, like he can’t not. They get kicked out of Trader Joe's.

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I'm going insane so I'm gonna post this. It's been in the back of my mind which episode this came from since 812 aired but I never clicked because this looks like one the bts pictures from when they were filming stuck.

But Chris' shirt during stuck is green.

But this is very clearly season 2 Gavin and Ryan.

This is every outfit we see Chris in during s2. That shirt is not on the show.

So they picked a bts picture of Ryan and Gavin just to make sure this matched.

That's all, bye.

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me when i like a song: 🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂🔂

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(i/n/s/p) for @buddienetwork event: old-school tumblr

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Hi, hi, hello, and welcome to Anna rewrites Eddie fell first: a look at how you can argue a level of awareness from Eddie since season 3 with Eddie being settled into how Buck just doesn't feel the same so he won't question it, this time with season 8 context. 

Things to keep in mind here: this hinges on Eddie not looking at the way that he feels about Buck makes him queer but being aware that he views Buck as a life partner but what he has is all he can get (yk the whole one knows he's gay but doesn't know he's in love and the other knows he's in love but doesn't know that makes him gay, that's Buck and Eddie in my brain rn) and the way I view the whole fell first/fell harder thing being about awareness, the one who fell first is the one who’s had awareness of it for longer and therefore is settled into the feeling, while the one who falls harder is the one who gets hit with it suddenly and can’t keep it in because they end up feeling it all at once. With the way Buck and Eddie handle feelings, for Buck to lose it once he realizes is a lot more plausible, he doesn’t know how to handle big emotions, and Eddie boxes things into portions he can handle, so I think the realization that he is in love with Buck would be a lot more peaceful because I don’t think he would think that changes much, it would be just putting a name to it to something he already understands. Also, the fact that Buck is very explicitly unaware when it comes to canon, considering he said with all the words he’s not in love with Eddie and we don't have that with Eddie. But Anna, Eddie said he's straight. Baby girl, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

So we start this out before Eddie gets to the 118. Eddie’s age is a mystery, but given Shannon’s, we can infer that Buck and Eddie are around the same age. Eddie at that point had been killing himself to make sure Christopher would be properly taken care of. Internet tells me the academy lasts around a year, it also gives me the expectation that Eddie would probably be a bit older than most of the recruits. Eddie is very friendly, but given the fact that we know nothing about his class at the academy, it’s safe to say he did not make any lasting connections there. That means it is safe to assume that the constants in his life in LA were Chris, Pepa, and Abuela, maybe a few cousins, considering he still doesn’t have permanent help with Chris. So honestly, the only constant contact he had was with his 7-year-old and his grandmother.

We know that Bobby wanted a partner in the field for Buck. Considering that Chim is both a firefighter and paramedic, picking Eddie because he was a medic in the army to give Buck a more dynamic partner makes sense. But that also leads me to believe that Buck himself was a selling point of the 118, considering Eddie was persuaded into joining them, he wasn’t assigned a house like the rest of them. Someone good at their job around his age that he could befriend is tempting, considering the past few years of his life, with Shannon leaving, and 3 different jobs, and then the academy. The way we see Eddie when placed in new situations, like befriending everyone on dispatch, that man craves connections in a way that he was not getting.

Which makes the concept of Buck intriguing, even if he had no way of predicting how important Buck would grow to be.

So we are gonna look at Eddie’s first day as Eddie trying to befriend Buck because of that desire to have someone at the same level he could bounce off (unintended pun but he found someone who would bounce on it yay lol). Everyone is telling him that Buck is great, he has to be curious. Because if we look at things like the help with the call, the I'd go lower, and the comment about being in the wrong light as attempts to bond, while having rougher edges that come with not settling down until that moment when he joined the lafd and found a permanent spot, it makes it so it looks like Eddie is trying to be helpful so he can get an opening. It also makes the “you’re badass under pressure” yet another thing to try and get through to Buck.

Eddie was trying, and Buck was being Buck. Until he found the thing that made Buck let him in, the reassurance that Eddie is not there to replace him, that makes Buck imprint on him like a baby duck.

And sure, this was casual, it’s a coworker thing for a few weeks while Eddie gets the feel of the place, we know that due to the fact that Eddie doesn’t share Christopher’s existence during those first few shifts. Christopher is always gonna be the key, sharing Christopher is what Eddie does when it comes to trying harder on his connections. But that makes Buck jump into that space with him. Buck spends the shift making sure Eddie knows Chris would be safe, and we even have a moment where we see just how much Eddie listens to Buck, with the way he repeats Buck’s words to him about highrises being the safest place to be during an earthquake. We also have Buck driving Eddie to Chris’ school. I wish we had a canon explanation for that fact, but I do love that we have a montage of Hen going home to Karen and Denny, Athena going home to May and Harry, and then Buck, Eddie, and Chris become their little unit. 

But that all actually starts the moment I believe is when Eddie was gone for good. Which isn’t Carla, but Buck clearing with Bobby for Chris to stay at the station. Because Eddie is loyal until it kills him, and that moment at the station that eventually leads to Carla, is the moment that Buck becomes Eddie’s ride or die. Because Eddie’s whole life has been about people telling him he’s not doing enough, he’s failing as a son, he failed as a husband, he feels like he is failing as a father, but the way Buck steps in isn’t about doing something better than Eddie and making him feel inferior, it’s about Buck seeing a need and helping without allowing Eddie to feel like a failure for not doing it himself. You can see it on Eddie’s face.

He never had that thing Buck is offering with no expectations. And the way that Buck makes sure that Christopher’s life is gonna be improved. He’s not only offering Eddie help, he’s making sure Christopher is gonna have the support he needs. And that is what seals Eddie's faith here. 

And, yes they're both tied to each other in some way at this point, but I feel like Buck's crush upon meeting Eddie turned I'll never look at the fact that he's very hot again because he's the best friend I've ever had has a different feeling from Eddie letting Buck in as much as he possibly could. I feel like there's a level of intention in the way Eddie chooses Buck to be the person he trusts the most, while Buck stumbles into it and keeps telling himself it doesn't mean anything more. Which puts Eddie in this space where he knows but won't define, and Buck defines wrong.

But obviously, everything there is complicated as hell, he can’t look at the way Buck makes him feel, not with Shannon coming back, and the way he does love her in some way, but he doesn’t trust her.

Who even invites their best friend to a family outing he denied his honest to God wife and mother of his kid? Eddie Diaz apparently, because why wouldn’t he take Buck with him to go see Santa while denying Shannon all access to Chris? And it’s interesting that Eddie doesn’t try for real until Buck tells him to. Both with letting Shannon back in Chris’ life, AND with the whole “we should be a family” speech, it comes from Buck. Buck sees the best in the situation in a way Eddie doesn’t, and that pushes Eddie into things.

But then Shannon dies after asking for a divorce, and that complication is gone, but is tangled in a whole layer of new problems because Buck almost dies right after. The season 2 finale it’s interesting on this point because we see the first moment of irrationality from Eddie when it comes to Buck. He’s just there, holding Buck’s hand. Hen is more than capable of treating Buck. Chim took over the other bombing. Bobby is also there. Eddie is objectively stronger than all of them, he’s also not a paramedic, the rational thing would be for him to be one of the people trying to lift the truck, but no, Buck needs him, so he won’t leave Buck’s side, and it’s not like doing much, he’s holding Buck’s hand, he’s riding with him to the hospital.

We also get a really overlooked thing with the way Hen says things are back to normal, and Eddie looks all wistful, saying almost, because Buck is not there.

Also, the way Buck fresh out of surgery, fresh out of being bombed, is like, nope, this is more important, because he needs to be there for Eddie’s shield ceremony (yay buddie hug number 1, and the way that their last interaction in season 2 is a hug, and their first in season 3 is also a hug.)

So, there’s something on Eddie’s mind about Buck, Buck is very tied to his sense of normalcy already. But season 3 is the one that kicks things into gear. 

It starts with Eddie’s choice to hand Chris over to Buck after Buck quits, to remind Buck he still has things to live for. That he still has him, even if they’re not working together. But then the tsunami happens. 

The tsunami is a key piece for their dynamic, not just because it is the moment that makes Buck a parent, but because at no point does Eddie think to blame Buck. Buck is beating himself up, but even when both of them think that Chris is gone for good, Eddie doesn’t even think there’s something to forgive Buck for. And that leads to the first of the moments that makes me go “Eddie has to know something” and that is the “there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you”. The first moment where Eddie does his roundabout way to tell Buck exactly how much he means to him, even while Buck is lost in his own feelings.

I don’t like to put Shannon in comparison with Buck, but in this particular instance, I’ll have to. During the whole thing with her, where they can’t stop sleeping together but Eddie won’t let her see Chris, the thing there is trust. Eddie doesn’t trust Shannon not to hurt them again. But Shannon also asks for Eddie to make a statement about what they are based on allowing her Christopher, and later, on possible child #2 is what makes Eddie decide to propose again after Shannon uses that to ask what they are. We also know they only got married because she got pregnant. So Eddie’s only romantic relationship at that point has been defined by Christopher. Kids are the only sign he is shown to believe in. So for Eddie to say something like that, it means something. Sure, the tsunami created a bond between Buck and Chris that Eddie can’t control, but he is Christopher's father, no one would blame him for being cautious, but it doesn’t occur to him, because this is Buck. Buck is constant, he is the thing they need to feel normal again. At that point, Eddie is already aware of the fact that he wants to keep Buck in his life.

But then the lawsuit happens. Eddie’s reaction to it and the grocery store of it all only makes sense if he sees Buck as a partner. Buck has no obligation to Eddie and Chris. No one can demand that their best friend consider them before making life-changing choices. But Eddie expects Buck to consider him. He hides behind Chris, and there’s obviously the lingering trauma of watching Shannon die, watching Buck explode, watching the blood clot, and the tsunami, and the way he almost lost both of Buck and Chris and didn’t even know. There’s also the layer of the way Buck understands what Chris went through in a way Eddie can never fully relate to and how that created an attachment from Chris to Buck that Eddie doesn’t fully understand but was ready to nurture because, well, the more people who love Chris, the better, and Chris has lost a lot already, to have a trusted adult who’s not Eddie is important, especially because Chris was hiding things from him, and it matters to Eddie that Chris has someone else willing to die for him, because that is what Buck proved to him he would do. But it's about more because Eddie hates the way he can't talk to Buck. That's his complaint the whole time. Not being able to reach Buck, that Buck went to that extreme after he said how permanent he feels about him.

Not having Buck around, not having him available, puts Eddie off-balance in a way he notices but doesn’t examine. At this point, Buck already exists in his own category on Eddie’s brain, that’s demonstrated by the way that he mentions Buck as separate from the 118 when he gets arrested. He doesn’t think to hide that from Buck the same way he does the rest of the team, he only hides that from Buck because he can’t talk to Buck. Something else here, since we don’t see Buck telling Eddie, it’s safe to assume that Eddie found out he couldn’t talk to Buck through someone involved in the department, maybe Bobby during morning briefing or someone else in their legal department, and boy, wouldn’t that open more wounds considering how Shannon left him and Chris without a word. With Chris’ nightmares, Eddie isn’t expecting to be able to rely on Buck like a best friend, he's expecting a partner. He's not looking at it, he’s not examining it, but he’s for sure feeling it, and it’s throwing him for a loop, considering his world keeps falling apart around him, and he put Buck as a constant in his life. So that Eddie who’s yelling at Buck in a grocery store like a husband calling out his deadbeat ex, is feeling something he refuses to name. 

Something about Eddie is that he does not know what it’s like to have someone make the choice to fight for him. His parents low-key hate him, and Shannon didn’t come back because she wanted to, he reached out first. And that makes the way he’s completely unable to stay mad at Buck more glaring, because it's because Buck is making an effort he's not familiar with. And as long as Buck tries, Eddie is gonna fold. Buck knows he went nuclear and that hurt people he cares about, and he wants to prove to Eddie that he can trust him, and the way Buck is reaching out is the thing. Eddie is physically unable to stay mad at Buck, but it’s very obvious during Buck’s first shift back, because he’s not even ignoring Buck fully, he is replying every time Buck tries. And the second he sees Buck's side of things, he doesn’t hesitate because it all boils down to Eddie missing Buck. He wants Buck to consider him, and as long as Buck says he will, he's fine. Even though Buck is still expecting to be forced to do something to prove himself, see the way he’s shocked Eddie just says he forgives him, but also the way that Buck tries to apologize again in the kitchen scene. 

Something to consider before I talk about the 309 kitchen scene, the episode opens with Eddie’s therapy session, and one thing Eddie says is that he’s boxing his feelings so much, he’s not even feeling the good things. Keep that in mind for the remainder of this. 

Eddie is a professional compartmentalizer. Buck is in his own little box, and I don’t even think the box is labeled best friend in his mind, it just has a pretty little Buck slapped into it while he desperately tries to stop it from busting open. The conversation in the kitchen is Eddie asking Buck to stop making him think about it. “We’re way past that”, the refusal to admit that he’s not opening up to Frank, the whole “let’s just move on” energy. Which paired with Eddie’s tendency to just move past things that make him feel intense emotions, it begs the question of why he won’t look at the way not being a priority to Buck fucked him up. Because, yeah, the fight club era is a culmination of everything that went wrong in Eddie’s life in those 6 months, but losing Buck is the spark that makes him blow up. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t think he wanted to punch Buck, he wanted to control something because he couldn’t control how he's feeling. Shannon wanted to divorce him, and Buck low-key divorced him too for a period, which led them to Buck’s kitchen while Buck forces him to think about the impact he has on his life. Buck is very effective in talking Eddie off the ledge. He is a constant in allowing Eddie to exist in a way. But Eddie doesn’t want to think about it. Thinking about it means defining it. Defining it makes it complicated. 

He won't look at it as long as Buck continues to prioritize their connection, and Buck basically promises he will, and he does show himself as back to that constant, we see it in moments like the skateboard incident.

But then we roll right into what I think is one of the major buddie episodes on the show, which is telling on its own, with everything that happens during Eddie Begins. And I’m not talking about Buck clawing at the dirt and the way everyone is treating Buck like a widower already while Eddie is down there, or the way the light is out behind Buck’s eyes, and how he looks at Eddie like he’s a miracle when they find him.

It’s the choice to add that much Buck to Eddie’s I need to keep fighting montage. 

This is retroactive, but the well makes Eddie change his will to add Buck as Christopher’s legal guardian. The first thing on the montage is actually Buck finding out about Chris. Because they start the flashback with Buck saying "you have a kid?" not Eddie saying he's trying to reach his son, or dropping him off a the school, or with abuela, or even Chris' birth. If that was the first time we as the audience learned about Chris too, then sure, but they use the first scene we see Chris in after. So it’s a conscious decision to attach Buck to Chris while Eddie is buried and trying to find the strength to get out of there. And since Eddie chooses to legally bind himself to Buck after that, this is yet another “Eddie has to know something” moment. Something funny to me about the will being changed after the well is the way that 316 is all about Buck’s fear of ending up like Red. And Eddie is all “that’s not gonna happen to us” while literally sitting on a piece of paper that says Buck is stuck with him until he dies. But he doesn't say anything.

And again, it begs the question, what did Eddie realize while down there? Something changed beyond being confronted with his own mortality because he has a lot of blood relatives willing to take care of Chris if the worst happens. He’s known Buck for about 2 years at this point, the lawsuit happened less than 6 months before this. And he is more sure of Buck than he was of Shannon or anyone else in his family. 

And logically, Buck is not the greatest choice, he’s also a firefighter, he’s Eddie’s partner in the field, so if Eddie is in danger, then chances are that Buck is too. He’s also single and without kids of his own. Any lawyer would look at Eddie is insane for even suggesting it when he has living parents and 2 sisters. But he is the only choice that makes sense to Eddie. No matter what. And the only reason he would hide that is if he doesn’t know how to tell Buck without telling Buck everything. So much so, he only tells Buck when he can shift the conversation back to Buck. 

Then we have Eddie’s reactions to Abby during the train derailment. Obviously, if my best friend had been abandoned by someone who never gave him the courtesy of closure, I would also reserve myself the right to hate them, and Eddie only saw the damage Abby did, but Eddie being willing to let Sam die for the crime of being engaged to Abby adds to the situation. Because with the correct lens on, that’s jealousy. Sure, Eddie knows Abby as someone who broke Buck, but he also knows her as this presence that made Buck who he is, which I think gives her too much credit, Buck just needed someone to let him care, so much so that getting Maddie back is what fully allows him to settle into himself. But she’s this mystical presence who still has control over Buck, and Eddie very clearly does not like it. And he doesn’t like it in a way that makes him unsure of the space he has on Buck’s life, which is something. Especially considering the way the show tries to frame Buck as still hung up on Abby. He is hesitant to touch Buck, he is hesitant to talk, all his reactions are of someone feeling threatened, and that is also something that can only be explained by Eddie seeing Buck as more, because why would he feel threatened by his best friend’s ex if he was just the best friend?

This Eddie already changed his will. Buck is set in stone in his life. And as a partner. 

Because the thing about the will isn’t the will, is the choice to hide it. Buck wouldn’t say no if Eddie asked, so why didn’t Eddie ask? He doesn’t want to look at why he made that choice because that means looking at who Buck is to him, and at this point, Eddie doesn’t want the answer. Buck is just Buck. If he doesn’t look at it, he doesn’t have to define it. 

Season 4 is complicated in different ways. Eddie reaches a point where he wants love, but the thing he knows is Shannon, which leads us to Ana and trying a relationship that’s doomed to be comfortable but never exactly what Eddie needs. 

Especially because in the middle of it all, the show is making a point of strengthening Buck and Christopher, Buck is the partner and coparent, so why is there a woman in the middle? But it is what Eddie knows. He finds Ana interesting, maybe he can grow to love her. But parallel to that, Buck is finding his way to Taylor. And Eddie low-key hates it because in his mind, the claim Buck has on his life is set, but he is once again questioning if the feeling is mutual. And they are bestieing like never before, but there’s clearly something under it for the both of them. 

Then The Moment happens. You can claw the shooting as Eddie’s oh moment out of my cold, dead hands. Eddie reached for Buck. He got shot, he thought he was dying, and the thing he did was reach for Buck.

Then Buck gets to him, puts him on the truck, is frantically trying to stop the bleeding, and this man, bleeding out, focuses on Buck just long enough to ask if Buck is okay. 

Sure, this could be Eddie needing to be sure that one of them would make it home to Chris, but wouldn’t it be beautiful if it were Eddie’s mind telling him he needs Buck to be okay before he loses consciousness? I love you, and I need you to be okay before this kills me. Horrible situation to have that realization, but damn if it’s not there. 

But it doesn’t kill him. And now Buck is talking as if his life doesn’t matter, while Eddie doesn’t think he can do it without Buck. So he is finally pushed to come clean about the will. Everything about the will reveal reads as an aborted love confession (I see you Mr Guzman and the this goes beyond friendship and I love you to the core). But the particular moment isn’t the best. Ana is still a factor, he just almost died, and both of them are on edge about it. So he says the closest he can say. He dances around it like he has done for years. Eddie knows Buck, he knows Buck associates love with pain. He wouldn't actually say something after he almost died, but it feels like he's working up to something. "You act like you're expendable but you're wrong" the way he is so close to saying the thing Buck needed to hear the most after his parents. You’re not spare parts, I love you not despite all that, but because of all that. I don’t know how to give you myself yet, but I’ll give you the thing that matters the most to me and dare to stick around to love him with me. Buck doesn’t get it, but Eddie is saying it. Eddie also has shit to work on, but maybe he thinks he can get to a point where he can tell Buck. 

But then Buck gets with Taylor and stays with Taylor. So he stays with Ana, it’s comfortable enough. Until it isn’t. Until he once again waits for Buck's permission to do something. 

Eddie is falling apart in many ways during season 5, and he's trying to minimize the damage to the people around him, but something he holds on to is Buck. Even when everything blows up, he is still going to lengths to show Buck that their friendship isn’t confined to the firehouse. But at this point, Eddie knows the box he keeps confining his feelings in is about to blow up. And when it does explode, he sits back and lets Buck push his way in. Quite literally, since Buck breaks down the door.

Remember how I said Eddie mentions the way he isn’t feeling anything? This is Eddie letting Buck shove his way into the bad feelings, and we will come back to this later. But after his breakdown, he talks about the way he's feeling in a way we don't really see Eddie do all that often and he leans on Buck through his recovery and the process of finding out how to not feel like there's no hope for himself and how to feel comfortable in his own skin again. And it's a lot about Buck and the way Buck is constant. Eddie feels like Buck is this steady presence in his life that can and does help Eddie move forward. It gives Eddie something stable to lean into. Because he's letting himself feel, but so far, it's about the bad.

So we have Eddie learning to let people in for good, and how to handle his feelings in a better way, we have Eddie who might’ve been thinking things about Buck’s space in his life since the well, having better tools to deal with his feelings. But so far, Eddie has only dealt with the bad. So when Taylor takes herself out of the running, Eddie settles himself into the fantasy bubble. They’re both single, he gets Buck’s time, Chris does too. He doesn’t have to think about the way he loves Buck, he doesn’t have to think about what it means to him if they're both in the bubble. 

But then his bubble gets popped in the most violent way possible, with Buck dying. And he was forced to rescue him, was forced to restart his heart. There’s something about the way Eddie follows the gurney. There’s something about the “do more”. Such a desperate thing for a former combat medic and current first responder to scream to a team of doctors. Do more than your best because I can’t do life without him. 

Eddie is good at repression, not denial, and the thing with repression is that you usually know what you're burying. So the moments like this, where we can see the cracks in the box, it makes you wonder how much Eddie really knows about how he feels about Buck.

The will of it all, the way Eddie can’t look at Buck or anything about his death, Eddie never seriously contemplated Buck actually dying, even though he saw Buck almost die multiple times. He never thought about it until he actually lived it. He counted how long Buck was dead. He couldn’t take his eyes off him until he couldn’t look at him again. And this is a man who watched Shannon die because she needed him to be strong. He can’t do that for Buck. Buck is under Eddie’s skin in ways no one else has been. Buck has seen the worst and stayed anyway, so he can’t hide it, because Buck is already in that space in his mind. 

But Buck wakes up. And goes to him for safety. For comfort. Personally, I believe Eddie was lying about not remembering the shooting because Buck wanted the confirmation he would feel normal again, and Eddie didn’t want to add whatever he realized lying on that pavement to the mix of complicated feelings Buck already had. But 613 feels like Eddie is testing the water. The bubble is popped. He loves Buck, he almost lost him, maybe he’s getting ready to say something once Buck starts to feel human again. 

But, once again, Buck goes through something traumatic and runs to someone else. “I feel like she sees me” paired with the way Buck is talking as if he feels like the people around him are forcing him to act a certain way, makes Eddie shut down. Because Eddie only decides to date again once Buck closes the door with his infatuation. So he will stay not analysing the space Buck has in his life. Because Buck keeps throwing him off-balance with reminders it’s not like that. So, space needs to exist.

Until Natalia is out of the way, and he pulls Buck back in. To the co-parent space, to the best friend space. 

But then Buck throws him in for yet another loop. The one that was bound to break the box. He freaks out, acts up, gets a boyfriend, and Eddie is left with a lot more to shove into the box and pray it holds.

In my head, Eddie is convinced Buck can’t want him. Not doesn’t, can’t. So he’s not thinking about it, about wanting more, especially because Eddie never thinks about what he needs. These are all the parts of Buck he’s gonna get, and he refuses to look inside the box to realize he wants more and what that means for him. He doesn't look at Buck and what that means about his sexuality because up to then, Buck was straight, so he couldn't go there even if he had stopped to contemplate the ways loving Buck makes him want him.

And that’s definitely easier to do when they are both “straight”. But Buck is not straight. But he still isn’t giving any indication that he wants Eddie. So Eddie implodes his life.

Buck saw him at his worst and stayed, but Eddie doesn’t know what it looks like for someone to step into his happiness and improve it. And he ends up losing control of it all in the middle of Buck's sexuality realization, so he won't have to think about it meaning something to him because he doesn't think Buck wants him as an option. So he refuses to think of himself as one.

But anyway, it doesn’t matter if it’s Taylor or Natalia or Tommy, Buck is choosing someone else, and Eddie is sitting on top of the box to stop it from bursting open. He’s creating other problems, he’s being framed as cheating on Buck, Chris is leaving him, he’s growing a mustache so he won’t have to recognize the person in the mirror. He loves Buck, Buck is dating a man who’s not him, but it doesn’t matter if he is soooooo straight with his cut-out tank tops and mustache.

Not having Buck can’t hurt him if he doesn’t think about what loving Buck makes of him. 

But then we come back to that therapy session from 309. Eddie controls his feelings so much, he doesn’t feel them. Good or bad. And he decides to let loose. And he lets Buck walk into his joy. So now Buck has stepped in while Eddie allows himself to feel something. Twice. The good and the bad.

Funny how Eddie says he’s straight, but then he says his mustache is a disguise, and then shaves the mustache and welcomes Buck in.  

But Buck is spiralling, and Chris is in Texas, and he has to default back to the way he never prioritizes what he wants. But it doesn’t matter anyway because Buck doesn’t want him, so why would he look at it?

But then Buck freaks out and acts out once more. 809 is about 704. Eddie’s reaction is about Buck not communicating and hurting him. Like, 704, 809, 817, hell, even 305, is all about Eddie wanting Buck to talk to him so he can fix the issue and they can move on before the box explodes. 

But at this point, that box is being held together by chewing gum and half a prayer. And Buck is really good at catching Eddie off guard and rattling the box even more.

And the way Buck loves Eddie in contrast with the way Buck loves everyone else solidifies the concept that Buck doesn’t want him. Because Buck doesn’t cling to Eddie. Buck helps Eddie move. He gets lost in his own feelings and hurts both of them in the process, but he lets Eddie go. Buck begs and lingers in a loud and messy way, but never with Eddie. He never voices that need. Eddie is always the one saying things, pushing Buck to talk, and they are at a point where Eddie would need those words to actually risk it.

And you can see the moments the box cracks while Eddie takes Buck’s words at face value, and Buck holds on to Eddie’s perceived straightness with all his might so he won’t be a cliche. 

And Eddie has been compartmentalizing the way he feels about Buck since they met, and Buck doesn’t give him a full reason to sit and analyze those feelings since Buck keeps running the other direction, so Eddie settles himself into loving Buck the way Buck allows him, with moments where the box starts to crack, because the same way you can't love someone into loving you, you can't put limits into how you love someone. You can lie to yourself and convince yourself you don't need more, you don't want more, that this is enough, but no matter how hard you try, you can't control love.

817 is Eddie desperately asking Buck to need him like he needed Buck. But Buck is so caught up in not being a burden that Eddie once again perceives it all as rejection. It almost seems like Eddie has been daring Buck to ask him to stay. To voice his needs. To let Eddie know he’s one of them. So much so, he tries to force that reaction out of Buck with that note. That note says so much about how Eddie desperately wants Buck to stop assuming things, so that Eddie can stop assuming things, so that they can have a conversation and figure it out, but Buck is not meeting him there. 

Buck didn’t meet him there after the shooting, or after the lightning. So he keeps being forced to love Buck in the way Buck lets him. And since Buck doesn’t want to be perceived as hopelessly pining for his straight best friend, so he keeps burying himself in denial, Eddie ends up forced to let him because he doesn't want to push Buck into something he doesn't think Buck wants.

Something about Eddie is that he doesn't ask for pieces of Buck, he puts himself out there and lets Buck come to him. Even the will reveal, Eddie only tells Buck once Buck steps up himself. He doesn't ask for Carla, he doesn't force Buck once he says he has a problem with him, even "you can have my back any day" is phrased in a way that allows Buck to make the choice.

If he never pushed before, why would he do it now? Because this is Buck, and Eddie knows him, who's to say that if Eddie says something, Buck won't roll with it not because he wants it but because he thinks that indulging Eddie is the only way to keep him? How can Eddie trust that he wouldn't be forcing Buck to settle for him if Buck isn't letting him know he's in it with him?

And they end up in this really weird situation where, honestly, all they need is a conversation, but they are so used to not needing words that they don’t know how to say it. So Eddie settles into how Buck doesn’t want him to offer more and Buck keeps trying to convince himself he already has enough of Eddie.

Eddie wants to love Buck but thinks he can't do more than be the best friend, so he settled into it, so he won't have to question what that makes of him, what that makes of them, how it would change them, how it wouldn't change them at all. Best friend is the title Buck gave him, and Buck gives him a lot already, he won't ask for more because it's Buck and what he has is enough. He just repeats it over and over so he won't question if it's true.

Why risk the relationship they have when he thinks he's seen how Buck looks when he's in love with someone and he doesn't think Buck looks at him like that? It's safer if he doesn't change things. If he convinces himself he doesn't need them to change. So he settles into the feeling, he'll love Buck however Buck lets him and never question how he wants to love Buck because he never gets what he wants, why would it be different now?

Anyway, this is over 6,7k words,and as you can see I'm very normal about this topic. If you read this, I love you so very much.

[gina-spike]

@eddiediaznetwork eddie diaz week: day 1 - relationships ↳ eddie & maddie - two headcanons exist for me: 1) they are besties and gossip at their weekly wine nights (with hen and karen of course); or 2) to maddie, eddie is simply her idiot (affectionate) kid brother's idiot (semi-affectionate) best friend <3 (this headcanon inspired by this post: x)

+ bonus - ryan at least wishes they were besties. Tim, give him what he wants, now!

[gina-spike]

Punch it, Dad.

[gina-spike]

4.8 x 8.17

[gina-spike]

[gina-spike]

Hi, hi, hello, I was making an edit and I ended up noticing a repetition of patterns and then I started thinking about this meta by @stagefoureddiediaz (🫶) about the pinstripes with Buck now I'm here.

My thing right now is about this.

When I made the big post about the callbacks in 817, the similarities in instances Buck was wearing this powder blue color were in the back of my mind, but I didn't get it yet. I even wrote a post about it, but I think I have more to say because I was focusing too much on the grey of this color and it was stopping me from seeing the blue.

Moments I mentioned before were around his arc in season 6. The search for deeper meaning and the way Buck keeps externalizing that in the hopes that it will fix him.

Like 602 when he's asking Hen about the secret of happiness, or when we find out that Kameron is pregnant in 609.

But something I neglected paying attention to when saying that the conversation Buck has with Pepa is calling back to 612 when Buck expects Eddie to have the answers, is the way that Buck is also in this powder blue type color when he's at the doctor's at the end of the episode and gets a clean bill of health, when he goes to McArthur Park again, and when he talks to Maddie about the hoovering.

And same as the 817, in 612, it seems like they took advantage of the way the shirt is lost between being blue or grey depending on lighting, to put Buck in that in-between space where he doesn't know where his life is going from there.

It comes back to the way Buck forces himself to move past things and ends up hurting himself and the people around him in his tendency to assume everyone else knows better and he is a burden. He wouldn't talk to people about how death messed him up, he wouldn't talk to people about how losing Bobby messed him up, because at Buck's core he is terrified of life-changing things actually changing his life. So he refuses to ask for the things that will help him adjust and it usually ends up with him going on a tangent that gets him away from the path of actually figuring out what makes him happy. Being a sperm donor? Didn't fix him. Dying? Didn't fix him.

Okay, but why did I bring up Kym's meta?

Kym explains the way that Buck is in a light colored pinstriped shirt when the life-changing thing happens. The shooting, when Taylor moves in, when he decides he's happy with the chair, the coma dream, and the coffee date. The thing here is the play with the way Buck is seeing things clearer in these moments, and it would lead to significant moments where he learns more about himself and his journey. (Kym explains it all, please read her meta lol)

But these moments have a darker shirt counterpart, that is harming his personal growth. Jumping into a relationship with Taylor, the awkward I love you that leads to the mess their relationship becomes, when he agrees to be a sperm donor that harmed him in many ways, the first date with Tommy, the 710 date with Tommy, and I think in some ways also the glee speech shirt, because those come back to the way Buck is projecting this idea that being with man will fix him.

It's when he stirs away from that clarity and keeps creating these obstacles so he won't see what he actually wants from life. Yes, the path here leads to Eddie and Christopher, these stir him away from that. From accepting his role as a parent and from seeing that he's in love with Eddie.

So now we circle back to the blue and yellow of it all. One of the blue and yellow scenes we have is the couch conversation in 601. And Buck is in a pinstripe powder blue.

This is the shirt that forces Buck to reflect and leads him to the realization that he needs to be happy in his own skin. In a similar way that the powder blue is trying to evoke in other moments it comes up.

Kym and I have been talking for ages about Buck and the search of blue and the way that we will know that Buck will get it right in a shade of blue. That shade of blue was presented to us during the coming out scene, another heavily blue and yellow scene.

But in a similar way that the clarity of pinstripes has counterparts where Buck moves away from the goal, I'm starting to think that the powder blue of facing the issue has the grey of hiding behind it. And it all adds up to the pinstripes and the color game they play with the blue.

The clarity from the shooting is the parenting clarity that he needs to step up for Christopher as a parent, which is reflected in the parenting maroon when Buck talks to Chris. (meta on the blue and red and parenting here)

That has as counterpart the 409 "i'm your friend grey" from when Chris runs to Buck. And this combo also establishes that Buck's relationship with Chris needs to exist outside of Eddie. Because, yes, the 3 of them have their dynamic, but all the sides need to exist individually in their family to fully establish it.

That comes back in s6 both in 613 when Buck is taking a casual parenting role with Chris and the cookies but not really acknowledging that's something he wants amid the donor baby plot, since Chris is the answer for that dilemma AND during the birth scene where he is still not acknowledging the consequences what being a donor parent would do to him and he wants.

The greys also shows up with the clarity from the coma dream, that needs to live for himself, because both in the hospital after he wakes up, and in Eddie's place, he knows what's happening fundamentally changed him, but he is hiding behind what happened so he won't be forced to get the answers himself even thought that was the whole point of the coma dream.

And this plays out in an interesting way with the ambiguity of the powder blue showing up now, especially when considering the clarity that Buck is being forced into by Bobby's death. Various shades of blue have been tied to Buck's s7-8 arc but coming back to this particular shade without the Buck hiding aspect it's interesting when considering that the first time this blue comes into play is when Buck is literally observing the thing he wants the most for the first time aka 203 after the earthquake.

But also because this leads to the red jacket this time. (more detailed meta on this jacket)

Yes, it's a more orange tone than we are used to, but it comes back to 2 major moments. 208 and Buck deciding to actively figure out what he wants and needs from love.

And 518 when he actually defines it.

The thing with Buck is that he constantly ends up passive in his own love life. He takes only what's offered to him, sometimes at the expense of actually chipping away bits of himself and being okay avoiding the problems forever. But the red jacket/white shirt combo is directly connected to "you don't find it, son, you make it" and the way that Buck is very much aware of the way he needs to fight for it but has no idea of how. And it's interesting that it both leads to him having that "I wanna take it easy to see what can happen" that leads him to Ali and it ends up blowing up when the dude jumps like always does and gets the loft because Ali needs a place to stay and to realizing that he can't force it to happen as much as he wants it.

And the way this is showing up when Buck is moving out is making me go 👀 because this shows up when he's very much aware of the root of the issue he's having, but he goes nuclear to fix it since he works in extremes.

This is a very long winded way to say I'm very interested on seeing if the whole Buck moving out thing is gonna pick back up with Buck backsliding into the extreme and hiding from is wants, or if the red is an indicator that Buck does know what he wants (Eddie and Chris) but thinks he can't get it, so he's running from the temptation before it can catch up to him.

Anyway, if you read this, I love you 💜