gingerburak

[gingerburak]

Been talking to a girl im considering making my girlfriend...it's been over a year since Pauly and I last spoke...I went to delete my Google photos stuff assuming it was just the album from the rhode island trip but it was every photo, screenshot, screen recording, download I ever had on the phone since I've owned it...I deleted chronologically backwards. Then I came to the photos from our relationship and started to move to start from the bottom and work my way up from there to make more headway without having to deal with that whole thing. I got back to that part of the photos and I started to go through them, but couldn't bring myself to delete them. I'm such an ass. Why am I still hurting so badly over this? I don't want to suffer anymore. I can't help it though. I loved her. I just have to keep moving forward and accept that it didn't work and be content with it. Mentally, I am, but emotionally...fuck...it's hard...and I hate that I'm going to have to carry this into my next relationship...it just doesn't feel right...I dont want to do that to anyone...especially someone like her...I suck

[gingerburak]

I have a great job with understanding and hard-working coworkers. They pay me well and treat me right. I have a reliable vehicle to get to and from wherever it is I'm going. It's extremely comfortable with an amazing sound system. I have money coming in that I'm spending on a rather large purchase as well as putting some in savings and paying bills with. There's a girl I have a date with Monday (we had to push back our date) that's interested in me who's a metal head and a hard worker and cute and sweet and understanding and kind and an overall pleasure to talk to (and there's no questions about the relationship it's just easy and free). My life is stable. My life is going very well right now. I'm happy. Genuinely...with everything going on in it right now...im comfortable...im safe...im happy...this was all I ever wanted

[gingerburak]

Just had a dream that Pauly and I were dating again. Her mom came to pick us up. It was a simple, but overwhelmingly happy dream. Then I woke up. Why does this keep happening?

[gingerburak]

Gonna have to move the date to another day, but that's fine. It'll give me more time to save money for it

[gingerburak]

I have a date on Wednesday. It'll be interesting to see if it goes well. Kinda nervous. 😅 also might have to cancel it if band practice ends up happening. We'll see what happens

[gingerburak]

All I did was look at the whatsapp logo and my brain decided 💀 time to shut down

[gingerburak]

Had several dreams about Pauly. The first was that we went out for a cigarette and she got killed and told me she loved me with her dying breath. Then I hdd a dream that Pauly and I were living together in a house very similar to Chris and autumn's. It was very romantic. We were about to go out for a cigarette when I told her about the last dream and she waited inside with me for my own peace of mind. She was confident nothing would happen and I was just being sensitive but she still stayed with me until I was ready to go outside. During that time inside, we gushed about how happy we were together and how we couldn't wait to get married and have kids. Then, it turned into this weird dream where I found a thin, heart shaped rock and held it to my palm and it burned for a second and gave me a tattoo sleeve with a sword, fire, and water on it. I could then use the sword if I needed and I fought off the attackers from the last dream. I kept dreaming more dreams about Pauly after that but I cant remember what they were. I just love and miss her so much that so long as she keeps appearing in my dreams, I will never leave this bed.

[gingerburak]

Why is it that every time I try to relate to a romance anime im watching and think about it in my own life experiences I always think of Pauly?...oh yeah...because I loved her...I still do...I dont think ill ever stop loving her...what a nightmare...I only ever caused her heartache...what a shameful man I am

[gingerburak]

God, I miss her...

[gingerburak]

Just finished this show "real girl" and I cant stop crying. I wish this was mine and Pauly's story. It'd be hard, for sure, but this is equally hard and I don't even think she'll want to get back together even if we do run into eachother again in however many years it takes for her to move to the states. And even if/when she does move to the states, who's to say she'll move to North Texas? My heart's been a mess since last October, but that doesn't mean I don't still have hope. Is it misplaced? I don't think so. Not with all that she'd said and done for me while she was still talking to me...I just can't help but look at the odds though and be afraid of what could happen. I promised I would try to move on and live my life and I've been making good on my promise but there are 2 very real factors she didn't consider. 1...I couldn't get another girlfriend even if I tried...2...my love for her surpassed her understand...I wonder if she ever thinks about me...I couldn't possibly bring myself to message her on the off chance she doesn't and I make a mess of her day/week/whatever...I just...I miss her and wonder if she feels the same way...I wonder if she loved me the way I loved her...I wonder...im afraid of the answer...but I do wonder

[gingerburak]

Life is weird right now. I'm taking care of myself for the most part so I'm not unhappy. I have chris, Tyler, autumn, Enrique, Isak, Paul, and Taryn who are all good friends to me. My other "friends" have been pretty selfish and I don't know how to end things there, but that'll have to happen soon. Aside from that, I've been meeting people who I only talk to about very specific things and it's weird. Like, I'll talk to danna about anime, I'll talk to this girl I met on Facebook about music, I'll ask how people's days are going on other platforms. It's weird and meaningless really. I think the weirdest part is, aside from my core friends, I really don't want to spend time with people. I really just want to hole myself up in my room and watch anime and play music. Work has been good (which is weird, but it's a new job where it's very corporate so that may be why). I'm studying Japanese with Andrew...he let me sleep this morning which was very sweet of him. Idk. I think I just feel like I'm going through motions in this new stage of life I'm in. It doesn't feel like it has meaning yet. Maybe because it's just a transitional period before I go back to school, but there's no toxicity I've been unable to get away from so that's strange. I think im just so used to there always being something wrong that this is new and not scary but kinda...like a dream I'd say. Like I could wake up at any minute and not think anything of it really. It's strange. I kinda like it

[gingerburak]

Had a good practice today. I hope this is the new norm and that we get shows soon too.

[gingerburak]

I wish people would stop saying "I'd date you if..."

"Adam, if I were I girl, I'd date you."

"Adam, if things weren't so complicated, I'd date you"

"Adam you're such a handsome and amazing guy"

"Adam" this and "Adam" that.

Obviously there have to be several major reasons why not aside from those small things they're saying.

There has to be.

I've accepted that Pauly doesn't want to hear from me.

I've accepted that girls I've tried asking out since just aren't interested.

I've accepted that I'm not that attractive of an individual.

Could you all just leave me alone and stop trying to set me up with people or cheer me up or get me laid or whatever you all are trying to do?

It's not helping.

It's actually super selfish and you're all just doing this for yourselves anyways.

Keep your noses out of my love life (or lack thereof really) and just let me be alone.

Yes it's a dream of mine to have a family, but not everyone who wants that gets it...just like everything else in life.

Just leave me alone.

It only hurts more when you pity me like this.

Honestly...leave me alone

[gingerburak]

Pauly, today is your birthday and I hope its better than you ever could've asked for...and another part of me hopes you're just missing me as much as I miss you, but I know even if you are you're not gonna reach out to say anything...ugh I'm so pathetic

[gingerburak]

If im being completely honest I don't think I'll change at this point. Maybe get better opportunities...I hope....but aside from that I'm probably not gonna quit smoking. I'm not gonna quit drinking...im just a failure that can't control his temper and has leaned on nice people and hoped being nice enough (even if it's from the heart) would repay all their kindness (with the exception of financial help...I always pay that back). Fuck life man.

[gingerburak]

Being alone in my room is so dangerously heavenly. I could lay here forever and just be so at peace. It's clean, it's cold, and there's no one who will enter unless I want them to

[gingerburak]

My buddy and I are single as fuck, but I took apart the bunk beds today so I just had a queen mattress perfectly taking up the exact space in my truck bed...we went to look at the stars tonight lol it was fun. Most gay platonic thing I've ever done but it was fun and we both needed a night where we could get away and not worry about shit and just enjoy life for once. It was nice. 10/10 would do that again.