don't you know who i think i am? raffichu.tumblr.com girafey.tumblr.com/tagged/thoughts
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180. I feel so bad about myself now..
No matter what I do, it's wrong. I used to know all the answers. Things used to make sense. But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm not confident. I'm not strong. I'm not attractive. I'm just wrong. I try to do the right thing. But when I do the right thing, people still judge me for it. I'm so tired of being ridiculed by people when I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm so tired of people being so selfish about putting themselves first. No one puts me first. No one drops everything to make me feel loved. I always see people getting so excited to talk to some other person that they stop paying attention to everyone they were talking to. When people are hanging out and someone they wanted to talk to comes along, I see them run away from the group just to hug them for a long time. I miss when people were excited to see me. I don't feel like anyone pays attention to me anymore. I don't feel loved. I feel like I'm just another face to everyone. I hate when people say I'm too sensitive. You don't know how it feels to be in my situation. Whenever I have someone to talk to, I really don't have anyone else at the time. I feel so good about it until I realize they may be talking to way more people than I am. They have friends. I'm just happy to have someone to talk to. Do you know how it feels to not have friends? Do you know how it feels to not have friends and have a conversation with someone? Do you know how it feels when you're alone and the person who you're talking to just talks to a lot of other people? I'm sorry I don't have a lot of friends like you do. I'm not popular enough to always have so many people to talk to. I feel so bad and left behind when people talk to other people while not talking to me. I'm just so... I'm so alone... No one understands my position. No one WANTS to understand my position. All they say is "stop being sad!" When they don't realize that saying that doesn't actually cheer me up. It hurts so much that no one tries to do things my way anymore. I just wish I had that one person who would be excited to talk to me. I want a friend who wants to talk to me just as much as I want someone to talk to. I want someone to tell me I'm not being too sensitive. I want someone to remind me that I'm just hurt so much and that I've been trying to mask my pain for too long. When people tell me to put my mask down, they just think I'm too sensitive and that I'm taking things too seriously. But they don't understand. I put that mask on because everyone has hurt me. It's because no one ever comes back to me and says "I'm really sorry for hurting you. I asked you to show me your true self and all I did was what everyone else was doing." I don't believe my real self is real anymore. I cry myself to sleep on most nights nowadays. I don't have people I can be texting. I haven't had a conversation with three people at a time in a long time. But I probably deserve it. I've been losing more and more people in my life. No one likes me anymore. Because to them, it's not about being right, it's about having fun. All people care about is fun, fun, fun. No one realizes who they hurt or what they do that hurts people. No one remembers me anymore. No one focuses on only me anymore. No one's excited to see me or talk to me. I'm not asking too much, am I? Maybe I am.. I wouldn't be surprised if I was.. No one deserves to put up with me anyway... I don't feel important. I don't feel correct. I don't feel loved... And least. This is how everyone makes me feel.
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if anyone draws me anything ever
im going to stare at it
im going to grin like an idiot
i dont care if you think its bad or not
i love it
i love you
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179. I could not accept the world for what it is
so in turn, the world could not accept me for wanting to change it.
To say the least, I'm lost in myself. I'm lost in my own world. And I'm frightened. Because my entire life was based on trying to make the world a better place. I always justified my actions for being "Christ-like" which is how Catholicism taught us to do. I believed that helping others out of their own predicaments was the right thing to do. I thought that saving lives, changing sad people into happy ones, and fixing the broken was the right thing to do. But now I realize that people cannot and will not change, and trying to make them change is no better than being a bad person. No one deserves to be treated the way I treat them. I can only learn to accept that people will be who they want to be and I have to allow them to be as reckless, idiotic, and messed up they want to be. No matter how I see it, I'm only looking at it through a third eye. I am never seeing it from a single individual's perspective. I have no right to change the world.
I tried to make the world a better place, but now I see that I tried to only make it a better place in my own vision.
From this moment on, I am no longer going to force my true self onto people. I always thought the world was wrong.
Now I believe that I am.
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178. You're dead to me
You can forget everything I've done for you. I've made up my mind. Don't try to talk to me, anymore. I don't want anything to do with you or the other one. All you've done is cause me grief. You shouldn't have the audacity to say anything to me.
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177. If I'm the judgmental one
then why is it that all I see are people openly ridiculing others who have made mistakes in the past, whether to fit in or stand out? You goddamn people don't understand that people do things because they have their reasons. And those reasons never even come into your mind as you call them names, laugh at them, and make fun of them. THEY. FEEL. SAD. And your bullying doesn't make them any happier.
OKAY SURE, I'M JUDGMENTAL. BUT AT LEAST I'M JUDGMENTAL ABOUT PEOPLE BULLYING OTHER PEOPLE. Don't you dare say you're better than me when you make fun of someone for trying to fit in. Yes, okay? I am judging you. And in my eyes, at least I'm doing it the right way.
Over the years, I've saved enough lives to learn that people feel depressed because of other people. And it only hurts because it mattered. A heart can't break, if it never really was there. Maybe I'm being counterproductive by calling out bullies, but the message was never made clear. I've decided. No one can bring me down for what I do. I know what I'm doing is what I believe to be right. And those who cannot accept that or try to silence me will not change my beliefs.
Don't ever make someone else feel like a piece of crap when all they're trying to do is be happy. Fuck you, world.
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