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I watched two lifetime ED movies last night. It really is November.

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A girl with a chunky white turtleneck, Lily Rose Depp cheekbones and her brown hair in a mini bun sitting in the lecture, very slowly eating a yoghurt. Inspiring.

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I was scared of a weigh in, but I’m not as bad as I’d feared. Despite having so much to eat last night that I felt a little sick waking up, I’m still at my OG Princess weight. I checked, however, and I’ve never gone down to the Beauty weight (for me at 56.2). That should be my goal. But I’m also genuinely scared of not fitting into the clothes I bought anymore 😅 I got a Tommy Hilfiger skirt for 100€+. So I’m a little scared of ruining that.

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Me as soon as the sun sets at 5pm: hmmmm maybe I should….lose weight?! 🤔

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I gained so much weight I lost my “OG Cinderella weight” icon and am at like. “Normal weight”?! BMI 20.5. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed.

I’ve really let myself go. I need to get back on track.

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I can feel how the joy is slowly draining out of everything. First it was my fanfic writing (I refuse to cringe about it, I'm very good at it and it's brought me joy fro 10 years), now it's my main tumblr blog. These days I log on and I feel nothing but dread and sadness, it's such a weird sluggish feeling. Funnily enough, this blog here is the only one that brings me joy atm.

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Today I had a moment of weakness and bought some energy/oatmeal bars. Always 400> cals/100g of COURSE but still, it’s just candy for people who like to pretend to be healthy. It’s better than ACTUAL candy bars and I’ll keep them around for that reason, but this is the journey:

Need something sweet while out and about?

candy bars -> energy bars -> smoothies/baby mush packets -> an apple

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At 27, I absolutely failed in life. I’m so unhappy with every aspect of it — and I’m not even skinny. I know that everything would be better, or at least more bearable, if I looked like a person with self-control.

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Winter dreams. Crying in heater-dry air and feeling lightheaded and worse after, leftover chocolate, coming home from work in the dark, not sticking to a single diet, calendars tainted with to do lists that aren’t getting crossed off, the endless night, the endless weight on my shoulders, wouldn’t it be nice to be fragile enough to collapse under it all?

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My ideal self is effortlessly skinny and stress-free, enjoying life on a diet of fresh fruit, salads, yoghurt and green tea, but I’m so STRESSED that I keep eating trash.

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Rules for going out in public

DON'T smoke. Bad nails, bad breath, and worst of all - cliché.

DO order a carb-heavy meal. Nobody has to know your meal plan for the rest of the day/week. And c'mon, you know all the insta girls post their huge plates to inspire those "how does she stay so SKINNY?!" thoughts

DON'T make a show of the stuff you can/can't do. People will get tired of it very soon and make fun of you before you know it.

DO take an extra scarf to wrap yourself up in for when you get cold and a bracelet (or something similar) to subtly body check if it makes you feel better

DON'T talk about your diet. "Huh? Oh, I just drink a lot of water :)"

DO compliment others on their looks. Nobody likes a self-obsessed skinny hag.

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⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ winter is for green tea jasmine, cherry-coloured lip balm, black tights, worrying about job applications, under eye circles, guerlain scents, petite glass bottles of iron+ fruit juice, pastel pink berets, Christmas edition hand lotion and late night “disordered eating adult chic” google searches ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

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God it feels so good to go on the tag a few months, ten years later, and just see other people struggling in the exact same way. We’ll always be here………………

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Going through this as an adult is so strange. I don’t want to be a Brandy Melville girlchild, I want to be the woman in a pencil skirt that shows off her hipbones, who carries a laptop as slim as her and a Filofax so big you’re surprised she doesn’t struggle to lift it. Salad or yogurt for lunch, tired eyes and a weak knees in the elevator.

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It’s sooooooo jarring to see yourself from the side and you’re arguably slim but vaguely shapeless and it’s like. Yeah I guess others might see me as reasonably thin but this is nothing. Weird inbetween state of normal and ethereal.

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Photographed by Irving Penn, Vogue, October 1963

Champagne! Champagne! Champagne!

"[...] a calorie-cutting régime that offers a little joie de diet as well."

Monday — breakfast: scant half-cup orange juice. One egg, scrambled in a double boiler. One slice of whole wheat toast. One glass of champagne. Lunch: mixed green salad. Slice of cold salmon. Bran muffin. 1/2 cantaloupe. Champagne. Dinner: fillet of beef - four ounce serving, broiled. Cooked carrots. Celery sticks. 2/3 cupful fresh strawberries. Champagne…

Tuesday — breakfast: half-grapefruit. One egg, poached. One small cinnamon bun. One glass of champagne. Lunch: 1/3 cup fruit cocktail. 3/4 cup crabmeat on a lettuce leaf. Small French roll. Glass of champagne. Dinner: 1/2 pear with cottage cheese. Two medium slices roast tenderloin of beef. Cooked asparagus. Carrot sticks. Champagne…

Wednesday — breakfast: 1/2 cup orange juice. One soft-boiled egg. One slice whole wheat toast. One glass of champagne. Lunch: sliced tomato and cucumber salat. One slice of breast of turkey. Whole wheat muffin. Small bunch of grapes. Glass of champagne. Dinner: one slice baked ham. Mixed green salad. Baking powder biscuit. One slice of pineapple (no juice if tinned). One glass of champagne…

Thursday — breakfast: scant 1/2 cupful of orange juice. Three slices lean bacon. One poached egg. One slice whole wheat toast. Glass of champagne. Lunch: ground beef patty. Asparagus tips on lettuce. One slice whole wheat bread. One fresh peach. Champagne. Dinner: Two rib lamp chops. Lime gelatine salad. Green peas. Bran muffin. Three apricot halves. Champagne…

Friday — breakfast: 1/2 cupful tomato juice. One egg sautéed in half teaspoon butter. One slice whole wheat toast. Champagne. Lunch: Cup of consommé. Small salmon steak. Cole slaw. Half small squash, boiled. One small slice French bread. Champagne. Dinner: half of broiled chicken. Carrot and celery sticks; radishes. String beans. Two whole wheat crackers. Pear half. Champagne…

Saturday — breakfast: grapefruit slices. One poached egg on whole wheat toast. One glass of champagne. Lunch: 2/3 cupfuls cooked mushroom served on one cupful of steamed rice. One sliced tomato on lettuce leaf. Blueberries. Glass of champagne. Dinner: four small slices of roast leg of lamb. Mixed green salad. Spinach. Orange sherbet. Champagne…

Sunday — breakfast: 1/2 cupful orange juice. One egg scrambled in double boiler. One slice whole wheat toast. One glass champagne. Lunch: breast of chicken, two small slices. Two tablespoonful cottage cheese with chopped celery. Brussels sprouts. One slice whole wheat toast. Fresh blackberries. Champagne. Dinner: broiled lobster, one cupful. Two tablespoonful cottage cheese served with sliced beets on a lettuce leaf. One small slice French bread. Raspberries. Glass of champagne.

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I flick through the copy of Elle that has been on my floor for weeks. It's full of women like Victoria: gold women, thin women, women who feel hungry all the time.

— Julia Bell, Massive (2002)