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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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Signing off. Moving on.

Jessa Mae Culintas

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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You know, people are saying that they felt bad that we had to end our love story.

They said we were a perfect match. You can do the things I can't, I'm good with the things you're bad with. We always compliment each other. We fill each other's gaps and perfectly made things work. But God has His own reasons for letting this happen. I know you're not the right person to begin with. You didn't even pass my number one qualification: a guy who can bring me closer to GOD. I was able to foresee that I might get hurt in the end but I risked it anyways.

Sorry for the times I blamed you in my mind. Human as we are, we really have the tendency to do that however, I'm glad we ended this way. It hurts, yeah. But God saved me from the wrong one.

* I was able to see your tendencies to lie. You even asked me to lie for you girlfriend. I can't imagine how you can do something like that to her. I don't want to be lied to. So it was right that we ended what we have.

* You can't even lower your pride for me. You said you loved me but you can dare not to talk to me for a couple of days just because you're mad. When you love someone, you're willing to compromise and apologize no matter whose fault it was. When you love someone, you can't take not talking to her even for a single day. When you love someone, you sacrifice. You didn't do that. So it was really a smart move that you did this.

* I saw the inconsistency after the chase. You got me. You made me fall for you and it was already enough for you.

I don't deserve that so I guess God is giving me what I deserve. I get hurt now but in time, I'll feel better.

I know I have my own flaws and shortcomings. Plenty. Many to mention but I want to let you know that no matter how bad I am, as a person.. what I felt for you was real.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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TO: GIRLFRIEND/EX-GIRLFRIEND (idk anymore)

I don't know if you will be able to read this but if you'll have the opportunity, I wanna say these to you:

1. I know you spent years with JD. I know you've been through a lot together. I know you shared plenty of memories together. And that's something that I don't and can never take away from you. Maybe you had fights when he came here to Cebu but that was actually an opportunity for the two of you to grow. You should have held tightly. If men are weak, we should be stronger! You should have fought for your relationship. You know, when he told me about your break up, I even remember encouraging him to fight for you and your relationship. Cause you might be someone to fight for. But I didn't expect you to give up on him immediately.

2. When JD told me that you were just giving him time when in fact you said you wanna end everything, that really hurt me. You took your words back by saying it was just COOL OFF for you when you clearly said you want to stop what you have. I was like, how can a girl be so confident enough to leave her lover and just go back whenever she wants to? Girl, JD is a lovable person. He can be taken away from you anytime. I'm sure you didn't expect him to meet me here. Maybe because of the trust you had for him but when you said you ended everything with him, that already gave him the right to do whatever he wants with anyone.

3. I am not mad at you. I have no reason to. A lot of people are sending messages about JD, me and you. If they are your friends, I hope you'd encourage them to stop.

4. I feel sorry for the two of us. I am so sorry if I have hurt you. You know, if only we didn't fall for the same person and if we'll meet somewhere around the globe, I bet we'll be friends. If you are hurting right now, please know that I never wanted to be the girl that can cause any pain to any other girl. I've been hurt plenty of times too. JD knows everything I've been through. And hurting a girl's pure heart is something I don't want anyone to experience.

5. If you're hurting, I totally understand where you're coming from since I am also feeling the same. Good for you, you have every right to be hurt. You have every right to get mad at me. To even fight if you want. How about me? Though JD said he's going to make everything official for us, we never did.

Do I have the right to feel jealous? No. Do I have the right to get mad at you or him? No. Do I have the right to complain? No. Do I even have the right to fight for him? No.

Good for you, you can display whatever emotion you have. Unlike me, it will always make me think that I was never given the right to do so.

6. If I am hurting right now, even though we only spent like a couple of months together, I know it's way more painful on your part since you've invested too much time and emotions with him. We shared the same kind of pain but I know yours is way heavier than mine.

7. I want you to know that I never took anything from you while you have it. JD came to me knowing he's not committed to anyone. If you'd only meet his teammates (which are my trainees by the way), you'll know how proud he was on their first day saying that he is taken. And everyone also witnessed when he said you left him. He approached me as a man, saying he has nothing to do with you anymore. Regardless, I still pushed him away. Everyone knows how I reminded him that I cant afford another heartbreak. How I stopped him from being sweet to me. How I avoided him just so we won't fall for each other. Every single day I reminded him. I even showed him my blog to let him know everything I've been through. How everyone started to cheat on me, how my ex boyfriend went after his ex. How everyone hurt me. JD knows almost everything about me and my blog is my way of telling him that If he's serious about me, he should take care of me. If he's not, he should stop since I've been through a lot. But he chose to say. He has decided to catch me. He got mad when I said everything is just char-char for us. He said he wouldn't do so much if he wasn't serious with me. His effort is daily shown. Everyone can witness. He was trying to prove us that he is someone worth it. That's how I decided to risk and fight for him. Now, my point of telling you this is to inform you and your friends that I will never take him away from you if you're still together. That for me, it was also a hard decision.

8. I'm not sure if they are your friends or what but there are people sending me multiple chats then later on deactivate. They don't know the real story, if you know who they are, kindly ask them to stop.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!

Wowed. For some reasons, I felt like these things are EXPECTED from you but what shocked me was the fact that you did say some things that is soo offensive to the girl who can do so much for you.

Well, I got a reliable source who definitely told me:

1. I am a mistress. And I was like WTF? I never became one. In the first place, they already broke up when I came into the picture. Everyone in the team witnessed how he PUBLICLY declared that they are over. That he doesn't feel like talking to the girl anymore.

2. Reliable source also said that JD told him/her/it (whatever this person is) that all this time we're together, you're only thinking about the girl.

3. I also didn't expect to hear that you called me a friend with benefits. After all the things you've done for me? All the money spent for me? All the effort you've shown me and the people around us? All the time you've wasted just to be with me? All the sleepless nights you tried to overcome just to talk to me on the phone? You call that friends with benefits? That's amazing!

4. Rebound. Plenty of times, you've been telling me that I was never a rebound since what you felt for me is real. Cause you love me. How can you tell your friends that you were just hurt when she left you that's why you committed the mistake called Jessa.

5. Someone asked about how you feel about me. Is it lust? Is it love? From what I heard, you said you're just going with the flow.

6. All this time we've been arguing, you were actually happy since we didn't talk for days. I knew you'd use that time to catch up with your EX girlfriend. I heard you've been calling each other. All these time, you were pretending you don't have load.

7. Before you left, you told me you want to end everything with her in person. That it's okay to really leave everything behind since a lot of issues were involved from the very beginning. My only ask is for you to tell me the real score between you so I know where I stand. But somehow, another reliable source said it was the girl who wanted to end your relationship and it was you who was trying to save it. What happened to the honest man who came to me? Know you're acting like a big fat liar. :\

8. Another source told me she commented on your status, 'The fuck! Mapaglarong tadhana' and that was also the day we accidentally saw each other in Tonyos. She thought you were referring to me and she commented that she somehow knew who you were talking about. You deleted her comment and sent her a message warning her not to comment anything like that cause you're already fixing things with your girlfriend. Wow, how considerate. You didn't even consider how I am feeling right now.

9. Now you're asking me if I believe them more than I believe you? At first, I refused to believe but connecting the dots made me reached a conclusion that these would really come out from your mouth. I know you shared a lot with my friend, Jeff. I know you told him how much you cared and loved me. That you always think about me. But your words are empty to me. How can you say things like this to the girl who loved you so much? To the girl who can do so much for you? To the girl who was so vulnerable and broken to begin with?

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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Dear Jessa,

I have so many things to be sorry for.

I'm sorry for letting you down again. Im sorry for saying you're unlovable, that you've always been the second option.. that you will never be chosen. I'm sorry for risking your fragile little heart when you know very well that you cannot afford another heartbreak. I'm sorry for rushing you. I'm sorry for the pain I've inflicted and for giving you another disappointment. I'm sorry for the nights you had to shed buckets of tears.

Knowing how you had to go through this again is unbecoming however, I want to thank you for a lot of things too.

I thank you for knowing you are braver than you thought.

This cycle has been going on and on for years. The same scenario has been happening and the pain is the same. But you've shown me that you've become stronger. You may cry on the outside but I've seen how you fought for something even when you feel like losing. For three years, you've been very careful, you've been shutting people out of your life because of your fear of pain and rejection. You always over think and you leave them hanging when you feel you're falling for them or the other way around but I've seen how you've risked everything. I've seen how scared you were, how confused you were, how you thought about stuff every night. I know where you're coming from and I understand your apprehension but I finally saw you FIGHTING AGAIN.

I thank you for knowing you are so much more. I thank you for knowing your worth. I thank you for doing everything you can cause you don't want any regrets. I thank you for loving someone wholeheartedly again. I thank you for caring for someone again. Its just a proof that you are still capable of loving no matter how empty you are right now. I thank you for finally getting back on your feet. For loving yourself again. Thank you for smiling. Thank you, Jessa for still believing in yourself. Let me give you a pat on your back to say JOB WELL DONE. You fought a good fight! Win or lose, no regrets!

Love, Jessa

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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To the guy I love the most,

I want to tell you how much I love you. I wanna take good care of you. I wanna discover random things about you. I wanna do so many things with you. I wanna travel more with you. I want to know your dreams and wants and achieve it together. I want to treat you how a man should be treated. I want to fill your hunger for love and attention. I want to restore and find what you lost. I want to see you achieve your dreams. I want to be there. I want to see you smile. And I want to be the reason behind it. I want to hear you laugh. I wanna hear you sing (though its out of tune sometimes). I wanna see you dance cause it makes me laugh hard. I want to taste your cooking again (that's how you got me)

AND I want to see you happy even if its not with me.

I want to do soooooooooooooo much more for you and with you but if I will not be given the chance to do so, I still hope the girl you chose have the same sentiments.

I hope she will love you more than I do. I hope she will give you hugs when you're feeling down. I hope she can give you what you deserve. I hope she can be with you when you're still achieving your dreams and when you already achieved it. I hope she can stick with you through thick and thin. I hope she can massage you well when you're feeling tired. I hope she can cook for you when you get home. I hope she can sing you a song till you fall asleep. I hope she can travel with you so you can see the world. I hope she can capture good pictures of you so when you grow old, you have something to check together. I hope Ill be this girl but no. It was never and will never be me.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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The secrets you shared..

THIS HAPPENED AFTER THE FIRST CONFRONTATION.

[The one about his ex girlfriend's major come back.] #LatePost

JD and Jeff talked and at first, they refused to tell me what's going on.

Finally, I was able to convince Jeffy and told me how the conversation went.

I dont know if my #TrustIssues were activated again cause I dont believe everything he said. My heart is telling me that those were just scripts anyone can use.

Things Jeff shared the ff:

1. JD cried. (BIG NO. He will never ever cry because of me. He might look frustrated or he might be looking down but he wont cry because of me.)

2. I am the main reason why he will resign. (What kind of BS is this? Since Day 1, he already told everyone that he will resign and will have his apprentice-thingy as soon as possible. I know he misses his family and he might wanna see the girl waiting for him.)

3. It makes him mad everytime I say DI MAGUOL or OKAY RAKO cause he knows deep inside Im hurting. He knows Im not okay. As per Jeffy, JD wants to punch the wall etc

4. Again, with his honesty.. JD told Jeffy that they've been together for a long time and to him, it matters.

5. They're still not together. Maybe he is just waiting for the right time. Maybe they will talk when he gets home. Then reconcile, then share the love.

6. JD said, my 2months with him was able to compete with the 2years spent with his ex. He was happier when he was with me.

7. JD has been trying to avoid me, but he cant help it.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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Notes in a Jar

* which I failed to give and finish since there's no reason to.

* supposed to be, inside the jar, you will find 365 notes. Each morning you can pick one out and read it to start your day off with a smile. One a day, and you're not supposed to cheat. However, things had to end.

Anyways, I want to share what I've written.

1. Good morning JD! =) You got my heart when you cooked my favorite food: shrimp. I can still remember those times you pissed me off, and every time you do, you always send me pictures of shrimps to get my attention. I didn't know you'd really cook it for me.

2. Hi JD! Do know that it makes me feel so damn special when you carry my bag. I know it is a common gesture but somehow, I like it when you act like a gentleman.

3. JD! JD! JD! I find it really cute when you say "LAB'' meaning hug. You look like a baby when you do that.

4. Hey Mr. Sayson, I will always remember the time you went grocery with me. We pushed the cart together and sometimes you wont allow me since pa gentleman nasad ka. I also wont forget how you chose which napkin should work for me. (Modess or Sisters? HAHA)

5. Morning John, remember how they teased us when you had your Free Speech Activity? I didn't know teasing would go real eventually. :)

6. Good morning BULLY. I will never forget how you used to tease me and how I always argue with you in our chat room.

7. Hey good kisser. Let me kiss you. :* :* :* :*

8. Hello baby! :) Remember how we used to take videos while we go out? =) You have no idea how often I watch that when I miss you.

9. Hi John, do you recall that drama night when you shared why you and your girlfriend broke up? I was somehow sad it happened to you but eventually, you became mine (Temporarily) so no regrets, I guess?

10. Do you recall that night I shared how my love story went and how it failed? I was being vulnerable at that time. Didn't expect I'd share it with you but I was glad you were there to listen.

11. I can still remember your sleeping face next to me. You looked like an angel na ug mu mata, devil na. >:) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

12. Hello to the guy who carried 6 heavy plastic bags - left and right but wont even let me carry anything. Whyyy sooo thoughtful babylove?

13. John Derrick Sayson - my great violator. He ended up dancing in my class.

14. Hello to this one person reading right now. Hey, I wanna thank you for putting up with me. I know I can be very clingy, moody and OA but you still stayed.

15. Blessed to have a guy who can definitely change my mood from sad to happy or from happy to angry! >:) I want more of theseeeee with you!

16. Hello to the guy who held my hand while I was sleeping. Delighted to see you lying next to me. #Clingy

17. I will always remember how we sat soooo close next to each other in the jeepney. #BahalagLastripBastaFrontSeat

18. Reminded of our twinning moments in Malapascua. =) It is still funny to think how you paid attention to every little thing I say. When I asked you to wear plain white, you did. I was too careless to say that and I totally forgot I said that. But you arrived wearing your hot white shirt that highlighted your pretty face! <3

19. Hello JD, I will never forget how you made fun of my tummy, pimples, and my morning star however, it wont make feel conscious or uncomfortable when I dont wear make up or if I look haggard whenever you're around.

20. After the longest period, you became the reason why I stay up late to talk to someone over the phone.

21. You became the reason why I always check my phone even during classes.

22. You always give me a happy feeling when you visit my class after your class. =) How time flies, before, you were just a mere trainee. Now, you became a huge part of me.

23. The first and last person I think of everyday.

24. My first guy travel buddy.

25. Hello taong dagat! Do know that whenever I go to the beach, it will always remind me of you. Everyone knows I cannot swim, so I'll always look for a salbabida. You are my human salbabida, and I will always look for you.

26. My personal TIG. Tig bitbit sa bag, tig bitbit sa laptop, tig kugos, tig baba, tig picture, tig kuha but mas TIG ko. TIGUWANG <3

27. The guy who made me do the pina talikod-relationship goals. You were so cute back then. :) I love relationship goal pictures but I didnt know you'll be the one to initiate.

28. The main reason why my memory is getting low. We had a lot of pictures and videos together. Do know that I watch them all the time!

29. The guy who always got my back when feeling tipsy.

30. You are the main reason why I had to treat Donna a box of pizza!

31. I find it really cute when you call me by my name or nickname especially when I say something funny. Samoka Jesssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! AMAEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

32. The guy who made me laba a guy's undies! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!

33. The guy who look absolutely cute when filled with lipstick!

34. My favorite tung-its buddy! :) I can remember how tikasan you were when we were playing cards during our Malapascua trip. Since hapit naka mapildi, you wont even tell me na padaug nasad ko! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

35. My health conscious trainee who wouldn't allow me to drink softdrinks, who would stop me when I eat too much or who would take me away when I feel like eating a lot again.

36. You are someone who would walk with me no matter how far that walking goes..

37. The guy who would drink my beer to save me para di ko mahubog.

38. I love how comfortable you are with me. You don't mind farting or pooping even though I'm around.

39. You can make me laugh no matter how I angry or upset I am! It makes me want to kill you!

40. The first guy who took me to a skating ring (?). I can still picture out how happy you were while playing around when we were in SM Sea side.

41. I can still remember the things that you're willing to do when I was soooo upset when I cant skate the first time we went to SM Sea side. I cant imagine you checking the trash bins to check if someone threw their skating cards or patiently wait outside and ask random people if they want to go skating cause if not, you'll ask for their skating coupons instead.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Why do you have to be sa thoughtful!

42. I appreciate all honestly when you had to tell me about whats going on between us. I admire your courage of telling me how you and your ex never really settled the score about your relationship. I can see how difficult it was for you to hurt me but since you knew I deserved it, you gave it to me though it may make you appear as the bad guy.

43. It makes me laugh how you made others jealous by hugging and kissing me in front of them, especially to those who are into you.

44. I really appreciate those nights wherein my shift ends at 10pm and sometimes I have to go home around 2am and you always wake up around 1 or 2 to check if I'm already home or if I have already eaten.

45. Chowking; First kiss. I don't know whats up with you but you kissed me all of a sudden. You didn't mind even if others were staring. I would lie if I say I didn't like it.

46. One-call-away. I got drunk with my friends. I don't remember much about what happened but I was shocked to see you there. You took me home and kept me safe. You were careful when we were in the jeepney, you held me as if I'm a baby. When I got home, you made sure I'm covered in bed. Thank you for always saving me.

47. Your heartbeat is my favorite melody. Your sleepy voice is my favorite music.

48. For three years, I waited for someone to buy me a piggy stuff toy. Two other guys promised me that but you're the only person who's able to fulfill my wish. #WorthTheWait (To think it's the first time you'd be giving a stuff toy to a girl).

49. We always find each other. No matter how long we fight, fate knows how to play with us and let us see each other again.

50. After the huge argument, you still stayed and slept in our boarding house. You even helped me out in wrapping my Christmas presents. :)

51. The guy who loves to bite me! No matter where and when, he will definitely bite me. #GigilBesh?

52. Hey JD, I know everyday is a struggle whenever I'm around. I make you do things you don't usually do. And I make you feel things you don't usually feel. Sorrrrrrry!

53. My anime buddy. So far, you're the only guy who can make me stay up soooooo late just to watch anime together.

54. Hey JD, you're the only person who always demand to have my hair tied. Knowing how much you love tangkugo, I'm afraid you will just bite me! >:))

55. Why do you always love teasing me? Hihihi I will always remember how you say things that could embarrass me or could piss me off just to see how I would react.

56. Baby talking has always been a part of me and I'm happy when you also do it even though you don't like it. HAHAHAHAHAH I can be contagious sometimes.

57. Hey JD, since I became close with you, I want to grow old with you. Who would have thought 'Kasama Kang Tumanda' will become our theme song? HAHAHAHA

58. It amazed me how you could recognize my scent. You always say 'hala baho ni Jessa' when you find something that's mine. You when when I wear your clothes cause my scent is there.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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It's really hard when you fall in love. In some ways we become greedy. We want to own the person. We want to be with them all the time. We became jealous when they're with somebody else. We yearn for their time and attention. We want to be the person they share their secrets with. We want them to do the things that we can do for them however, no matter how selfish we can be, we also have the option to be generous. Too generous.

We give more than what we deserve.

We do things for them though we won't get something in return.

Their happiness is greater than ours. We forget our worth just to be with them. Loving is hard. So let's carry our brain with us while following our heart.

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girlfriendyouneverhad-blog · 7 years

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