giungerealtermine - Tumblr blog

[giungerealtermine]

One day all of this will be over, and I will be no more. One day I won't feel the constant streams of tears fall from my cheeks and the air depleting from my lungs. One day the hurt will be gone, and I will be gone.

[giungerealtermine]

I often wonder where you are. I think you took me with you when you left. I wonder if I’ll ever see you again in this life.

[giungerealtermine]

[giungerealtermine]

“Perhaps – I want the old days back again and they’ll never come back, and I am haunted by the memory of them…”

— Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

[giungerealtermine]

I believe I will kill myself by next year. It doesn’t make me sad, or scared, just guilty. I feel guilty that other people will believe it’s their fault for awhile, it’s just human nature. I believe I hold everyone back, and I’m not good for anyone. I’m annoying- I bitch and complain I want things to be better but I cannot overpower what’s going on in my head to even try and fix it. Nothing ever feels better. For a long time I was really numb, and had nothing to lose. All I feel now is too much. I feel too much anxiety to do anything in my life. I bunker in my apartment every single day because I don’t know how to be normal. I’m uncomfortable everywhere I go. I hate that about myself. Drugs are the only things that make me genuinely feel better. I don’t want to be an addict like anyone in my family, that’s why I only do them once in awhile. I love how happy coke makes me, I love how confident feeling adderall makes me, I love the way dabs relax me and make me numb, I love drinking until I can no longer feel the bones in my body. I don’t really feel like I can do anything myself because that’s when I disappoint people, I always fuck up. I stopped being the fucked up version of myself and created this work only minded shell of a human the last few years and I fucking hate her. I hated the fuck up version too, but at least I felt somewhat alive. I wish I would die in an accident so I could stop carrying this burden of the potential future. I don’t see myself living a long life and I never have. Whenever I met her, I did for a little bit, but that went away. She doesn’t care anymore, not about weather I live or die, but about us. I can’t keep begging someone to spend actual time with me and to engage on a channel besides basic small talk. I can’t keep getting snarky one off comments about things I do or don’t do. Sometimes she really makes me feel like I’m the most useless person around her and she can’t stand being around me. I hate whenever we argue she immediately pulls the “I’m sorry I’m a piece of shit card”. I feel like I can’t ask for help, genuine help. My mom doesn’t care, neither does my dad but they never have. Another set of people that make me feel everything is my fault and that I can never actually talk to. I think maybe the world wasn’t made for me, or I wasn’t made for it. I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t belong. I am wasting my life away going to work and going home. I miss my friends but they don’t like me for who I genuinely am, just who I let people see. I’m great at keeping a convincing mask. No one, and I mean literally no one knows how bad my headspace is. I dream of milking myself and I wake up and feel nothing. It used to break my heart, scare the shit out of me, now I feel nothing. Ever single day I’m home alone I cut myself and hide it. It’s the only thing that calms me down. I sit infront of my bedroom window and let the light hit my face as I sob alone. I sit there and rerun over and over again everyone seeing my dead body and knowing they will be fine after it happens. I feel like she would do better without me, I drag her down by keeping her in a relationship she doesn’t seem she fully wants to be in anymore. My parents have my sister and nephew so that’s all that really matters. My grandparents don’t like me, I am a dime a dozen to my friends. I just don’t see a point. I cannot fix myself and how I think

[giungerealtermine]

[giungerealtermine]

[giungerealtermine]

― Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun

[giungerealtermine]

I have never felt so disconnected with life

[giungerealtermine]

[giungerealtermine]

I fluctuate between "my needs are unreasonable, I should repress them so I don't have to bother anyone" and "I've been through so much. I deserve a bit of understanding and comfort"

[giungerealtermine]

Being sober is driving me fucking insane