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hey, today I am 21. been through all those denial anger bargaining depression and in between, back and forth, back to back time and again. it's the end of August 2022; 5 years and half since our first conversation.

and hereby I declare: here's my acceptance.

Uhm, hey. To the old me, the 15-year-young me. That boy, yes that boy you expected to have gone after like 3 months, yes that person who made you cringe but you always look forward to… yes, that boy… even after two years, it’s all still the same. So if you wish to get rid of him, you won’t. Because my dear, I don’t. He’s your best friend. Don’t know what’s ahead but well, I wish he stayed. Do you?

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“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present… Gratefully.“”

— Maya Angelou (via perfectquote)

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Poetry (2010) ‘시’ dir. Lee Chang-dong

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I am 20 now. Nothing changes, both mu feelings and our not-speaking-terms. That's fine. I deserve this.

Uhm, hey. To the old me, the 15-year-young me. That boy, yes that boy you expected to have gone after like 3 months, yes that person who made you cringe but you always look forward to… yes, that boy… even after two years, it’s all still the same. So if you wish to get rid of him, you won’t. Because my dear, I don’t. He’s your best friend. Don’t know what’s ahead but well, I wish he stayed. Do you?

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No I don't

“I wasn’t sorry I existed any more. I deserved to live. I deserved to find love. I knew now―I believed, now―that I deserved to be loved.”

— Meredith Russo, If I Was Your Girl

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Yeah it's perfectly okay to cut people off if they drain your energy but remember that people are not plants. And you are not gardening. Okay, bad analogy but here me out. People are people. Not trash that you take them out because it's stinking and you're sick of it. Sure, there are very trashy people. But ask yourself this: Am I cutting this person out of my life because they suck or because they did this thing to piss me off and I don't have the energy or courage to confront them about it? I say this time and again. This doesn't apply for abusive people. Ghost them. Run for your life and sanity. But with everyone else? That person who's been your friend for 10 years or that boy you went out with for 2 dates, respect them a little more. Have a conversation. Say a goodbye. Don't just label every person who doesn't agree with everything you say and do and doesn't vibe with you all the time as "toxic" and write them off. It's very difficult to understand each other and we're often never on the same page as others. If we don't try, if we don't even encourage a discussion, how are we going to survive as a society? How are we going to remain emotionally intelligent animals? Do we really want to back track evolution? Can we really not just give a person a chance? Or are we so woke that we are going to post about boundaries and mental well being and compassion on our Instagram stories every week but forget that, rather willfully ignore that, people are not to be discarded at the first sign of something unpleasant or inconvenient.

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It's a scary thought how someone can live perfectly well for months without once speaking to you when they said 'I love you' to you for years. No goodbye. No reason. No explanation. One day they just decide 'yeah no. This person doesn't exist anymore' and then literally pretend like you don't exist. Like a damn sociopath. What other justification could there be? Especially when you're the kind of person who'd spend hours thinking how you can make it better if someone let's you know you're making them feel something negative like uncomfortable or hurt or angry. Because you're someone who takes other people's feelings sincerely, and because they already know that, surely they didn't have many feelings for or about you to begin with. How do people deceive and manipulate someone for so long and so damn well? And what do they really get out of it? What did you get out of it?

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How the hell could I believe "time heals anything" when all I felt was pouring rain and grand heartbreak? But as the saying goes, "it takes time", I finally let that sink in my head. Suddenly I laugh and love again. Got great friends and loving family. Doing quite well in and outside school. No longer getting stabbed by Adele lyrics.

All is well and perfect up until today: looking at the sky, down the ground, all around, but all I see is you. I take my bike and try to put all my energy away but there's nothing left... only crippling sadness. Endless wonder: what if us ever works out? What if I didn't drop your hand while dancing? What if I appreciate you for who you are instead of trying to turn you into someone else? This is heavy. God, I am dead.

-- in a very pretty evening

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forever is the sweetest lie, forgetting is the hardest truth

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I gave you up.

““Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” - Winston Churchill”

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“There are two kinds of suffering: the suffering, which leads to more suffering, and the suffering, which leads to the end of suffering. The first is the pain of grasping after fleeting pleasures and aversion for the unpleasant, the continued struggle of most people day after day. The second is the suffering, which comes when you allow yourself to feel fully the constant change of experience—pleasure, pain, joy, and anger—without fear or withdrawal. The suffering of our experience leads to inner fearlessness and peace.”

— Ajahn Chah

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a lot of things expired, you know. i mean there are a lot of reasons for things to just be gone and fade away. funny that it's always good things that run away; and the bad ones have this huge tendency to stay.

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I'm almost 20 and I still love him just the same. We no longer talk and I have no plan in the neae future to, but he still lives rent-free in my head, but luckily not messing with it. I can deal with this, don't worry.

Uhm, hey. To the old me, the 15-year-young me. That boy, yes that boy you expected to have gone after like 3 months, yes that person who made you cringe but you always look forward to… yes, that boy… even after two years, it’s all still the same. So if you wish to get rid of him, you won’t. Because my dear, I don’t. He’s your best friend. Don’t know what’s ahead but well, I wish he stayed. Do you?

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life doesn’t end at 25. life doesn’t end at 27 or 30 either. life doesn’t end at 35 or 45. life doesn’t end at 65. it doesn’t matter how old you are, when you decide to get your high school degree or start a family. it doesn’t matter when you decide to go run a marathon or go travel the world. life is not made up by numbers, age is, and your age is not all that you are. you got time. life doesn’t end until it ends.

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““Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” - Nayyirah Waheed”

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