goddamnit-akabayashi

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

I miss written communication.

Shut the hell up. I know what you're all thinking right now. "But Aozaki, sir, you're using written communication right now." Fuck off. I'm typing on a computer. You're not reading my words in my own voice, you're reading it in yours. Do you know why? Because all text looks the same when it's typed.

That's the problem with the internet. Everyone's the same. Everything is the same regurgitated garbage over and over again, and everyone thinks they're so unique about it. You know what's unique? Writing someone a goddamned letter. Addressing it formally, giving them a title, forcing them to touch the paper you touched and read letters the way YOU formed them, not the way every idiot who can press a button did. Technology has taken one of the most basic forms of human interaction away from us and no one even noticed.

Akabayashi keeps using this technology to send me pictures on my cell phone. Whenever I text back, he sends me another picture. This is even worse than those ass-fucked backwards emojis. At least I could look those up and reference them against something. He sent me a picture of a houseplant. What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? Why does he INSIST on excluding himself from the human race? Who communicates via PICTURE? Why did he send me a PLANT.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

I know, your least favourite person. But how did you meet Akabayashi? Were you ever on friendly terms at one point? Have either of you ever duked it out and who won?

I've known Akabayashi since his early years on the underground scene. I disliked him then for his loner attitude, even if he was one of the most efficient killers in the city. This was ages ago, back when a Yakuza could still pride himself on his tattoos and brand of cigar.

I've forgotten the details. Crossed paths with him at a bar, or maybe he offed one of my men, or someone they knew. I figured he was just another one of those quick fizzling firecrackers. Maybe he would've been if that business with Sonohara hadn't happened. After that, I didn't recognize him. I still don't. If he were just a loner out for some cash and the opportunity to make some poor sucker bleed, I'd understand that. Whatever he is now, whatever he wants out of this life, it's not something he can get. Forgiveness, redemption, security, I don't know. I don't have it, and I'm concerned about what'll happen when he never receives it. Idiot like that's basically a time bomb and I don't want to be near him when he blows up.

We haven't fought since he joined the Awakusu-kai. If we had to fight these days, I'd win, obviously. For all his blustery dancing and dodging, he can't take more than two hits from someone like me. That's assuming we play fair, which I don't as a rule.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Aozaki sama, what's one of your most held-dear childhood memories?

Nice try.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

A mankini is basically a bikini but for men. I hear Akabayashi is into them.

I'm going to have to stop you at "but for men." What part of a bikini does a man fill out? There are no voluptuous breasts to fill the bra portion. The hip and crotch portion is flat and bulbous in all the wrong places. It's not possible.

What you're describing to me cannot exist.

Akabayashi lied to you.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Ne, ne, have you ever been spanked?

There's no winning answer here for me, is there.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

how was your summer vacay with akabayashi?

It was another exceptionally hot summer. Akabayashi is responsible for this. For every year he stays alive, the world becomes more similar to hell, his home planet. He's not going to stop until our world is consumed by fire and we all sweat our assholes inside out.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Happy Halloween! Are you going dressed as a pumpkin?

Going where?

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

This website has gotten even harder to use. I didn't think that was possible. Why is there a moving picture of teeth and shoes. It makes me want to avert my eyes.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

There are questions here older than thousands of people on this earth...

Okay. Let's see...

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

What do you think of mankinis.

Alright I'm scared to ask, but...what is that.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Aozaki-san, I think that kid’s onto something.

What kid. Why can't you ever say anything that makes any sense.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Aozaki-san, how does one get over a breakup?

What do I look like, some kind of love guru? Go down to Akihabara and ask the first otaku you find on the street this question; trust me, they'll have plenty of experience with it.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Oh you got a lot of issues. daddy issues, anger issues, trust issues, and (probably) erectile dysfunction

I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

And you do too? Your room? o.o

No, I don't live there. I go home to my villa at the end of the day like a regular person.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

You’re sharing a place with Shiki?

Yes it's called an office.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

what if you turned into a cat again? kitty kitty meow meow

You sound like a stalker. I know just what to do with your type.

[goddamnit-akabayashi]

Aozaki-san, what on earth are you gonna do when you find the one… you know… considering your… (leans up to ear, whispers) …issues.

Get the hell away from me, shitbag.

I don't have any issues. I also don't need a "one." I can have several "ones."