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[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

it's 2023, and i want myself to know that this is right

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Don’t ever, as in NEVER, change yourself for someone to love you.

No exceptions, no matter what.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

tbh for a long time i really resented the advice "pick a partner that you would want to raise kids with" because i don't want kids and i hated that all relationships had to come from this place of procreation-first. what about toxic friendships, after all.

it took me a really long time to realize it's a bastardization of good advice.

many of us are recovering from being raised by parents/caregivers that were in toxic relationships or were toxic themselves. we learned behaviors, thoughts, and patterns from these people, and we spend our adult lives untangling and dismantling the harm done to us.

the advice should be - is this the person you'd want a child to emulate? is this a person you'd want a child even around? is this a person you can trust alone with a kid - any kid, mind you - and know that the child is safe, looked after, loved? is the relationship you're in one you'd want children to see and repeat in their adult lives? or is the relationship one you hope they won't follow, after all?

to be honest, i knew when i was in a bad relationship. i'd tell people - i know, i know, i should break up with him. i know, i know. she's not actually a good friend. but the reality was that it's incredibly difficult to escape the-devil-you-know. it was easy enough to train myself to be okay with it; i have very little regard for the-self and the process of cutting people out was simply too threatening for my mental state.

but i wouldn't put a younger version of myself through the same thing. i'd picture her in the same situation. i would tell her, broody as she is - leave, you're happier outside of it, never let anyone talk to you like that, you're worth more than this. i'd tell her when you let him cross your boundaries, the fault is his, but you need to understand you're rewarding bad behavior if you don't do something about it. i would wish, fervently, i could restart the relationship and do it all differently, be-young-again.

and then i realized: i am the younger version of myself. a future version of myself is begging me to leave. to take my happiness seriously. i am a kid to fifty-year-old-me. and i need to take my own advice. it's okay if that sets me up to grieve.

pick a partner that you would trust a younger version of yourself with. pick friends you'd want your younger self to grow up alongside. pick love that makes you feel like you want everyone to experience in their life and feel with others, something magical and shareable and full of mist. pick a love that feels like you can grow in it. pick a love like: i will be proud of this.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

this actually made me contemplate things...

“My mother told me when I was young that there are two types of girls that will love me: 1. The girl who makes me happy but makes me feel unloved. 2. The girl who makes me sad but makes me feel loved. She told me that on rare occasions I’d find both qualities in one girl. But not every boy is lucky to find both qualities in one girl. So if I ever have to choose between the two, she told me, to always choose the girl who makes me happy because that’s what she always wanted for me. Yet I don’t want a girl who makes me happy. I want a girl who makes me feel loved. So if I ever have to choose between the two, I will always choose the girl who makes me sad.”

— Juansen Dizon, Confessions of a Wallflower page 113  

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

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[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

forehead kisses are probably the purest form of love i will not elaborate

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

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imagine this:

you got fed up of your thoughts and emotions — your mind — so you ask for help and got yourself checked.

but you didn't tell anyone else about it.

you're a student, and have no job. so on your nth appointment, after a couple of months of trying to buy your meds with your own allowance, you say you can't buy them anymore.

they try to help you by giving you free samples.

but you know that won't work in the long run.

so again, you put your guard down, and tell your parents.

which you immediately regretted.

because why did you have to do that? they will never understand — even if everything was explained to them. because nothing can be wrong with you.

almost a year to it, and you know you've always been right: they should not have known.

they still don't get why you have to get those expensive pills everytime. you're wasting money over something that doesn't exist!

obviously, that's their thoughts when they just give you money that would last for just five doses.

so you'd have to ask for more which

just makes you feel a lot more stupid than before.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

national coming out day

hello!

I am not straight!

yay for pansexuality ! that is all :)

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

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the first day of the tenth month

the day after my favorite month

my university's founding anniversary

we're almost seven months into home quarantine

and a lot more important events to remember...

but those things are not what first came to my mind when i realized that today is october 1

because this day marks the day when i first ever got to muster the courage to confess my feelings to someone.

HAHA! you thought it was something very interesting. but you must've forgotten that my life is just uneventful that way. that i still remember that day when it didn't really work out with that person.

yeah, even so... it's still nice to reminisce moments like those. so yeah, this post doesn't really have a point. except about things not really going my way.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

for everyone who’s a bit sick of being stuck indoors

I know that feel. I’ve been in isolation for about four years due to illness. It was let’s say a very difficult life change. I crashed out of the world pretty hard and spent a few months in bed in constant pain wishing I was dead, while everyone thought I was just being incredibly rude. It sucked.

I’m saying this because I’m about to drop a few pieces of advice and I want you to know that they’re coming from a place of experience and empathy.

We are nowhere near the end of this crisis. We need to be ready for the long haul, because we still have months of isolation, restriction, and caution ahead of us. This is normal now. That’s a lot to deal with. This sucks.

And hey if you’re still enjoying the veg-out binging netflix in your pyjamas with a bucket of chicken phase, that’s great. You deserve to rest. Come back to this post later when you need it.

But if you’re realising there’s actually a limit to how long social media, TV, and video games can keep you civil? Let me help with that.

0. Thank you. I’m immunocompromised, so thank you for staying home, washing your hands, and following the guidelines to flatten the curve and slow the spread of the virus so I don’t die. I know it’s hard. Remember you’re doing a good thing.

1. Keep using the internet to stay in touch and communicate with people so you feel less lonely. Use social media to socialise, not as a news source. Learn new things, fall in a wikihole, tell someone something interesting you just found out. But logging off will do you a power of good.

2. You need to engage your other senses to stave off depression. Your body and your senses need to be kept occupied, not just your brain. Learn to cook from scratch, try new recipes, bake something, have a home spa day, light that fancy scented candle you’ve been holding on to for a special occasion.

3. Oh yeah, whatever you’ve been holding onto for a special occasion, bust that baby out now. The nice outfit, the posh food, the fancy soap, whatever little treats you have squirreled away. Instead of saving them for a special occasion, use them to create an occasion and make it special. If nothing else, it will help stop the days blurring into each other quite so horribly.

4. Don’t get drunk. A drink is ok, but a hangover will make everything feel worse.

5. Your round toit is here. Mend and repair those things, do a deep clean, rearrange that room, organise that stuff, do some arts and crafts, try a new hobby. Make and do something with your hands. BUT! Pace yourself. Spread things out a bit. Do a little bit of this and that each day, instead of doing one thing all day or everything in one day.

6. Don’t sleep in. Go to bed early, take naps, get your rest, but if you’re going to have to go back to work after this, you really don’t want to let your sleep pattern shift, and the best way to avoid that is by not sleeping in. Sorry. Really, I am so sorry.

7. You need to move your body, especially when you feel anxious. Anxiety is in the body, you can’t think your way out of it, you need to move. Yoga is uh fine I guess, pretty good for stress, but tai chi is actually a lot better for anxiety. Or do some bodyweight exercises, or pilates. Or come up with some choreography and rehearse it and then perform it in the street for your neighbours. Or just pace around the house like a zoo animal, and roar occasionally. Roaring helps too.

8. Mind your diet. I know it’s a hassle when you can’t go grocery shopping as often and you’re probably eating more tinned and frozen foods than usual, but do your best to vary your meals and eat a balanced diet. Don’t add nutritional deficiencies and the misery of food boredom to your problems. And stay hydrated.

9. Look after something living. If you don’t have a child or a pet or a garden or a houseplant, try growing some sprouts or microgreens, or start a sourdough mother or a ginger bug. Nurturing and caring for something alive (even yeast) is incredibly healing and stabilising. Also we’re starting to realise plants are super important for mental, emotional, and physical health. Humans need green time, so if you don’t have a houseplant maybe see about getting one.

10. Be thankful. I don’t mean in a stupid platitude way like “some people have it worse” or anything fake like that. You can still be angry, bored, outraged, frightened, disappointed, exhausted, dismayed. But to avoid falling into meaningless grey despair, set aside a few minutes each day and find things to be grateful about on purpose. It doesn’t have to be big. Your pet has been super affectionate? Favourite youtuber uploaded? Weather was kind of nice? New episode of that show you like? Chair comfy af? Tasty breakfast? Recognise it and be thankful for it. You don’t have to be thankful TO anyone or anything in particular, just be thankful FOR something in particular. Try for five things per day to start, but do more if you want.

11. Take some cosy time. I think this is maybe kind of like hygge? Spend some time each day doing something that makes you feel calm and cosy and safe. Build a blanket fort or snuggle up with a hot drink and a book, and just be cosy for an hour or so. This is a very stressful and frightening event we’re all going through so making a deliberate effort to cultivate feelings of warmth, contentment, and safety every day will help fend off trauma.

12. Speaking of books, reading a book engages your brain differently from watching a movie or listening to a podcast, and is very good for your brain and mood. If you have a to-read pile you’re probably already making a dent in it but if you don’t, or if you’ve reached the bottom of it, a lot of writers and publishers are offering free ebooks to help with isolation. You can read ebooks on your phone if you don’t have an ereader or tablet.

13. Balance your news intake. Restrict the amount of time you spend looking at news about the pandemic, and limit yourself to a few reliable sources. For every hour you spend reading the news and watching the scary numbers go up, spend an hour specifically looking for good news. Incompetent governments are failing their people, a minority of profiteers are trying to take advantage of the situation, and a lot of people are sick and dying, but that’s not the whole story. People can be SO GOOD. Did you hear about the medical drama shows donating their PPE to hospitals & fire departments? And the cosplayers and actors doing in-character birthday videos for kids who can’t have parties? People are helping each other, taking care of each other, there is so much good news so look for it, and then share it.

14. Get fresh air & sunshine. If you have a garden or a balcony, use it. Spend as much time there as the weather allows. Open your windows, weather permitting. Pull a chair up next to a window and read a book. Depending on your location, you may even be safe to shove your hands in your pockets and go for a walk–but keep at least 2m away from other people and if you’re in a hard lockdown or enforced quarantine, don’t flout it.

15. If you’re working from home, be able to close a door on your work space. When I worked remotely I had the computer set up in a wardrobe because I didn’t have a wholeass room for it, and I would unplug it and close the door on it at the end of my shift, it was a real sanity saver. Even if you don’t passionately hate your job, be able to close a door on it. Closing a physical door helps your brain to keep your work compartmentalised away from your home life, and helps you control work-related stress.

16. Do something for someone else. We’re a social species, we have a fundamental need to help others. It makes us feel connected, less isolated, and that’s something we all need right now. If you have a sewing machine, make masks for people who need them. If you have money, drop some of it on gofundme’s to help people who’ve lost their jobs make rent. If you bought too much toilet paper and you’re starting to realise that was a mistake, ask your neighbours if they need any. Live stream a cooking class. Teach someone how to use skype. There is something you can do to help someone else, so find it and do it. You will feel better for it.

17. The corollary to helping is: accept help from others. Helping others is one way we strengthen our social bonds, accepting help is another. Plus right now there’s a lot of ways that accepting help is also helping others. If someone offers to pick up groceries or a prescription for you while they’re getting their own, that’s helping everyone, the fewer people in the stores the better.

18. Avoid platitudes. They’re actually harmful, not helpful. Be sincere, both in expressing your own feelings and when other people share theirs with you. To be perfectly honest I’m pretty bad at this, it’s hard not to make jokes and deflect, but it’s so important right now to communicate authentically. I know how uncomfortable it can be but do your best. When we feel deeply heard and understood, we feel less alone. It’s still ok to be silly and goofy, just be honest and compassionate as well.

19. Mind your temper. Try not to lash out or get drawn into arguments, it won’t make you feel any better. You might get an easy rush and some attention out of it, but afterwards you’ll just feel more isolated than ever, and you risk permanently alienating people around you.

20. Everyone’s process is different. Don’t try to police other people’s emotions. Respect that we’re all processing this at different speeds and in different ways. We’re off the map, in an unprecedented situation, there’s no “right” way to feel about that. Invalidating other people’s feelings is a surefire way to push them away, and we all don’t need any of that right now.

21. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep cleaning your teeth, bathing, changing your clothes, brushing your hair, doing your laundry. Keep taking your meds, doing your exercises, getting enough sleep, eating on time. Not just to avoid a big personal crisis when it’s time to go outside again, but also because you deserve it.

Covid-19 is showing us what’s really important. After this is over, don’t forget about it. Remember service workers, warehouse workers, and other “unskilled” workers keeping the supermarkets running. Remember farmers and factory workers stepping up production to refill the shelves, and truckers hauling the goods. Remember doctors and nurses, orderlies and cleaners, working overtime, understaffed, underprepared, and under-equipped, to care for the sick and dying. Remember artists, writers, musicians, actors, performers, designers, and developers keeping you sane. Remember the garbage collectors and the street sweepers, and the folks who work at power, water, and sewage plants. Remember delivery drivers, couriers, and postal workers. Remember the disability and chronic illness communities reaching out to help you navigate your visit to our everyday reality. After this is over, be kind, and pay it forward. Tip generously, mind your manners, and don’t look down on anyone for their job or ability level. Fight for better wages and working conditions, better accommodations, and better social safety nets. Show up for the people who are showing up for you.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

and when the time comes, i hope you remember how much i have loved you

even when you thought you didn’t deserve it

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

the timing sucks but i've been meaning to tell you that i love you, too

a haiku from me to you, 080519

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

061419 0253

i don't know how you managed to make a home in my heart that you could still come back to even after the storm that came when you left.

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

desiring would lead to hoping which will leave me disappointed.

021219

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

oh. good thing u called.

pls take me back home || 050119

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

sometimes i still wonder what to make of the promises we made to each other.

– do we still have plans to fulfill them? || Baz

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

it hurts to understand and relate to this

You v. Me

I miss you

I miss your smile, your smell

Your touch, the way you tell

Telling me how much you love me

So thankful, prayed to the man above me

I miss holding you and touching your hair

Kissing you too long & don’t need air

Being your diary whenever you fear

Being the tissue to your tear

I miss how much you made me happy

How much you made me smile

Had me stuck for a while

I miss laying on your chest

Feeling the air from your breath

Getting kisses I wish I kept

But you just upped and left

Had me feeling alone

Went and got a me-clone

Sometimes I’d wish you’d pick up the phone

To say you’re sorry for what you’ve condoned

To also say you need me more than anything

That I was your everything

Unfortunately there’s one more thing

I miss you but I miss me more

I miss the me before I came through your door

The me that can land on all fours

And still get up not wanting more

Why did you do this to me?

Demolished my entire mentality

Feels like a long lasting fatality

But I want me, I need me

Being the best that I can be

Without you, even if you were the love of my life

Only made me want to put up a knife

But me allows for the spontaneous outburst

Intake info, never judge or curse

Add to my health, instead of buying a purse

It’s you versus me

Cus I want you but I need me

I can’t choose you over me

I forgive you, I’ll never forget you

That’s the best yet worst part when thinking of you

Being reminded of the good and bad

Not realizing I only needed me since that’s all I had

LO.L 💔

@aynahc

[gods-nerdfightingdaughter]

I miss being with you.