gonnachangeusernamelater-blog

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

I'm feeling blue...

I’m feeling down lately. Last week I was completely anxious. Well, maybe I should have started from the beginning: I submitted a text for the second time to try for a masters degree. I was supposed to have heard from them about the texts at the 23rd, and at the 23rd morning I received a call from the institute asking if I found all the bibliography for the second part of the admission process: A written test. I told the caller that I was waiting for the results of the texts first, and she said: “Better start preparing”. At 2pm of the 23rd, I looked at my email and I just gave gotten an email from the institute, saying my inscription was accepted. Later on, at the 24th, I looked at the institution site to see the time of the test, which would be at the 27th. My name wasn’t on the list of people who would take the test. The 24th was a Saturday. I called (it was morning, someone could be working), but there was no answer. I sent an email and spent a weekend in hell: Worth a great amount of anxiety and having to study thick texts of philosophers. At the 26th, I got their answer: My definition was accepted, ask documents were ok. unfortunately, my text was not accepted. I told my mother (I'm 28 and I live with her, because of money issues), and hell broke loose! She started screaming that my text was way to good, and if they called, was very weird that I failed, etc. She called my uncle, who is a lot and asked for advice. He said we could sue, and my mother called the institution threatening exactly that. Oh man, I cried. She cried and yelled.i suffered. I hate yelling. Anyway, that has passed now. But iI think something stayed. Ad I said before, since last week I was very anxious, and today, I'm feeling very fucking low.. And lonely. I told Florbela (she is a dog) that she is my only friend, and cried. I'm worried. And lonely. I fear my medication isn't working anymore. But what if this is just PMs and I'm just freaking out over nothing ? Time will tell..…

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

It took me 15y to figure this out

I used to think being sad and depressed made me who I was. But it turns out it only made me miserable. I'm not completely happy now, but at least now I know I'm not only a symptom. I am a human being, with thoughts, wishes and feelings. I an much more than just miserable. We all are.

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

Haha, I pretty much still do.

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

An “old” one

Even before this blog begun, I decided to post my own progress, such as things I realized in self-analysis and with my shrink as well.

My next appointment is only in july, and that being said, i thought “why not?” about posting things i thought before and put on paper.

So, here it is.

In May 15th, i wrote:

“Yesterday at the shower I realized I’ve been hating myself not only because of all the body shaming I had to endure, but because of my father.

I hated the fact that he ignored me, and that my mother seemed to hate him. And after I found out I was an accident, I blamed myself for destroying her life.

So I hated myself.”

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

Not every mistake is doom.

Sometimes, it’s a stone to step in.

[gonnachangeusernamelater-blog]

Why

This is my very first post for a long, long time.

Not only in Tumblr (yes, i have another one, that hasn’t been updated in a few years), but on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, 9gag and every posting site you can think of. I’ve been out of all since a few months ago.

I’ll get to that later.

First, I wanted to make very clear why this blog exists.

I’ve been thinking for a long time now to make another Youtube channel, focused on mental health.

And this is because I’ve been battaling my mental condidion for a while now. To be exact, it’s been 13 years, that I know of. It is possible my condidtion alredy existed but kept undiagnosed even before that.

But it turns out I don’t want to show my face right now, but I really want to talk about this.

I’m feeling way better now. Much better than I ever was.

I finally feel normal.

My condition is depression, a disease that affects the lives of 15% to 20% of the world population. And I want to show to everyone that it is possible to be better. I’m just not ready for Youtube yet.

Also, if possible, I want to keep improving my mental and physical health, and I think the internet can be a great ally.

So, this is it. I will be posting everytime anything happens.

We shall see.