gracielately

[gracielately]

3 years on tumblr today ! :)

[gracielately]

I'm heavy.

—a glimpse of Gracie's feelings lately.

I can’t help but notice how often they belittle me. Every move I make is met with criticism, like I’m never doing anything right. Around them, I feel like I have to pretend—because everything I do is labeled as “weird” or “cringe.” I end up shifting into a version of myself I don’t even recognize: sarcastic, bitter, always taunting them back. I know they hate it, and i do too, but it’s the only way I feel in control. And even though they make me feel so small and uncomfortable, I still love them. Deeply.

It’s a confusing kind of love. The kind where you give and wait, but what you get back feels heavy. Conditional. They’ll offer support, sure—but with strings attached. I’m constantly reminded of what I owe, even when all I’ve asked for are basic needs. I’m constantly reminded that I owe them, as if I have some hidden job to pay them back. They say they’ll support me as long as I study well, but their actions make it impossible to breathe, let alone thrive. I’m treated like a weight they’re forced to carry until I can prove I’m useful.

God forbid I’m ever in a bad mood—because having feelings is unacceptable. God forbid I want to be myself, to exist comfortably in my own skin. They criticize and shame me for the things I enjoy, for the parts of me that make me, 𝘮𝘦. What hurts even more is how they never miss a chance to point out my flaws—especially the way I look. They don’t realize how hard it is to love myself when they keep highlighting the very things I already struggle with. My body, my face, my existence—it’s always being judged. I’m just trying to feel okay in my own skin, but their words make it feel impossible.

They expect me to be fine all the time. If I’m not in the mood or if I express any emotion, I’m seen as dramatic or disrespectful. They shame me for the things I enjoy, dismiss who I am, and still expect me to act like everything’s okay. Am I really that hard to love? Because when I look at how easily they care for others, I can’t help but wonder: why not me? They do things for other people without hesitation—things I’ve only ever wished they’d do for me.

I’m talkative by nature, but with them, I stay silent. They say I’m too much, too loud, too sensitive, too me. So I shrink. I sit still. I try not to speak unless spoken to. This place that should feel like comfort has started to feel like confinement.

The only warmth I find lately is in the company of someone small and soft—someone who doesn’t ask me to be anyone else. Just her presence reminds me what unconditional love feels like. Without her, I wouldn’t have much reason to stay.

When I’m with them, I’m constantly irritable—not because I want to be, but because I’ve gotten so used to suppressing myself. And when I finally speak up or act out, I’m dismissed as being dramatic or disrespectful. They invalidate every attempt I make to explain how I feel.

How can someone love me properly if they won’t even listen when I try to teach them how?

They keep trying to mold me into someone I’m not—as if I’m still a child, when in reality, I’m months away from legality. They shrink me down, box me in, and explode with anger whenever I step out of the version of me they’ve created in their minds.

I’m so tired of being someone I’m not just to be accepted.

I can’t wait to finally breathe, to finally be free.

[gracielately]

you have to admit it: most if not all animals are very brave. they do a lot of things and dont always know whats going to happen. they have beautiful eternal souls because of this

[gracielately]

Who Really Am I?

The reflections I see do not align with the visions in my mind.

I stare at my own image, yet it feels unfamiliar—

a stranger wearing my face, moving in my place.

Inside my head, she exists—

the version of me I long to become.

She is radiant, effortless, everything I have ever wished to be.

Yet I remain here, distanced from her,

a mere echo of what could have been.

And so, disappointment settles in like a shadow,

whispering reminders of every failed attempt,

every expectation unmet.

No matter how much I reach for her,

she is always out of touch—

a dream I will never wake up as.

[gracielately]

Too Much, Yet Never Enough

My family thinks lowly of me. To them, I’m either too much or too little—too ambitious to be taken seriously, yet too fickle-minded to be relied upon. There’s no in-between. They see me as a child who clings to their guidance, yet they refuse to teach me how to stand on my own. It’s a cruel paradox—being criticized for my dependence while being denied the tools to break free from it.

Their words are laced with passive aggression, their tone always teetering between sarcasm and dismissal. It makes me hesitant to open up, to trust them with my thoughts and feelings, because at any given moment, my words could be turned into weapons against me. I second-guess myself, always wondering if I’m reading too much into things, if I’m just being sensitive. But how can I ignore the way their moods shift unpredictably? Some days, we’re okay. Some days, they laugh with me. And then, without warning, they switch up, treating me as if I don’t belong, as if my existence is an inconvenience.

Maybe it’s because I don’t contribute the way they do. What can I do? They're adults, I'm just a teenager. I don’t bring in money (yet). I don’t have a role that justifies my place here. And so, I remain the easiest to dismiss, the easiest to ridicule.

[gracielately]

It’s crazy to think about how easily we might not have met. I’m so grateful for the random strands of fate that allowed us to find each other. 💖

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

[gracielately]

In The Heat of You

like a moth to a flame, you captivate me.

drawn to your gleam, I surrender completely.

your touch ignites a fire, which I can't tame,

caught in the heat, i am yours to claim.

like the sun and its fire, your warmth is divine,

A force of nature, both gentle and mine.

your voice, a melody that I can’t ignore,

With every spark, I only crave you more.

destined for our hearts to be intertwined,

fate pulls us together, like stars that align.

I see myself in you, your soul reflects mine,

on a cold winter day, you feel like sunshine.

[gracielately]

You don’t have to belong everywhere!

[gracielately]

[gracielately]

i've been focusing deeply on not giving a shit about what people think. if i notice my thoughts going down that path, then i shut them down. i'm not trying to read anyone's mind. i'm just going to be myself and try my best. if i fuck up, then i fuck up. if i look stupid, then i look stupid. everyone looks stupid, sometimes. it's so much more important to be yourself earnestly and passionately, in all of your stupid glory

[gracielately]

what is a burn, if not a kiss from fire?

[gracielately]

When people ask, "What is your dream?" it’s common for them to assume it refers to a career ambition. This assumption comes from a cultural emphasis on professional success and personal achievement, often framing dreams as something to aspire to in the workplace or related to public accomplishments. For many, dreams are synonymous with career goals, financial success, or personal projects that heightens their public identity or status.

However, dreams may have different definitions for everyone. Heck, It can be anything meaningful to you. Motherhood isn't a job that's measured by wealth, promotions and accolades that you gain during the process, but it is a job that's full of love, compassion, values, patience and especially resilience. This was originally a performance task in my subject: Reading and Writing, but I made a draft 2 years before I wrote this essay. Words cannot describe how I yearn to be a mother, but I tried as hard as I could. Enjoy reading !!

My Ultimate Dream: “Nurture’s Calling!”

There is an inner fire burning inside of me, a deep desire embedded in my soul—a certain and heartfelt desire to become a mother. It is not something that I just want or need; it is a part of my nature. From the days of playing with baby dolls as a little girl to working towards success for my future family, I knew it was always my calling. To nurture and pour my heart into a living testimony of me and my partner’s love is the highest expression of love for me, and I am ready to give it my all.

Usually regarded as a nurturing type of person, there is an aching desire within me to provide a life for my future children that is abundant with love and compassion. When I think about my future children, I do not just see small versions of me and my partner—I see the living testaments of the love we have created. The concept of holding my child for the first time, looking at them, and seeing parts of myself and the person I love fulfills me in ways no words can explain. It's almost as if once this time comes, my lifetime purpose will have been fulfilled. I am aware that motherhood is not an easy role to take on, and I am fully conscious of the changes that my body would have to undergo, such as pregnancy pains, sleepless nights, and postpartum problems, but none of that scares me. I will wholeheartedly welcome every sacrifice and pain because I know that the reward that is waiting at the end is worth more than everything. I know that all the pain and worry will disappear once I hear my child's first cry and will be replaced by an overwhelming love instead. I can already feel it—that wave of emotions that will wash over me once I get to hold my child. It is a love so intense that it washes out all the fear, uncertainty, and pain I went through. I know that I can overcome anything with the love that I possess. This dream is not only about becoming a mother—it’s about becoming their mother. The kind of mother who loves wholeheartedly, the kind who loves them loudly, as well as the one who watches them as they grow, with pride and joy, knowing that I gave my all to give them a life of quality. I want my children to grow up knowing that they are forever loved and cherished and that they are put into this world with a purpose and never by accident. Of course, I am aware that I am too young to bear children of my own at this age. I will of course avoid participating in such acts and instead work my way to success in preparation for the family that I am going to build, and when the time comes, at least I'll know that I did everything I could to prepare for that moment.

I am burning with the great desire to become a mother, to share my love with my children, and to have a legacy that stands as evidence of love passed on to generations. This is not just my ultimate dream—this is what I was meant for; this is my purpose.

[gracielately]

See You Never

I know he's bad for me, but I just can't move on for some reason. :(

anyway, here's another poem to express how I feel rn

i know that you're not all that, but i just can't move on out of my head, i want you gone. my heart still breaks when i see your face, with all of these memories i can't erase. I don't get how you still can't forgive me, when you're the one who fucking hurt me. you're the one who messed up multiple times, yet i forgave you for all your crimes. and i hate that i love you, i thought you were a dream come true. but i guess it's for the better, i hope i see you never.

[gracielately]

Ano Na Nga Ba?

I'm currently lost in life, I don't know where I'm going or what the future holds for me, but I'm still here, and that's all that matters. Here's a little poem I wrote yesterday as a coping mechanism. :)

Tila bang ako'y napag-iiwanan na ng mundo, at ako'y naririto lamang, gulong-gulo. Ano na nga ba ang gagawin ko, ako ba'y habang-buhay na lamang dito? paparating na ang aking pagtatapos, ngunit sa tingin ko'y aking mga marka'y kapos. umaasa na lamang sa pakikiramay ng mga guro, dahil wala na akong maalala sa kanilang mga tinuro. Ang akala nila'y ako'y tamad lamang, ngunit 'di nila alam na ang utak ko'y okyupado na ng mga aninong gumagapang. Ako'y nilalamon na ng pighati't lungkot, Sa tingin ko'y hindi na ito magagamot. Tila nga'y ako'y lumulutang na lang sa agos ng panahon, hindi ko na rin alam kung paano aahon. Ang tanging binubulong ng mga boses ay masasamang salita: "wala kang laban, wala kang kwenta!"

[gracielately]

I Hate My Dad

I love and miss you, papa.

I hate my dad for leaving me so soon. I thought you said you'd wait for me to finish school in the afternoon ? Fragments of you are embedded deep inside my soul, Maybe it's time, you've now reached your final goal. Words can't describe how great my love for you is, Your presence is something that I will surely miss. Although I still have so many words left unsaid, In heaven or on earth, you will always be my best friend.

[gracielately]

You'll never know; it might get better, and it won't stay like this forever.

[gracielately]

Dilemma

Exploring romantic relationships online is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride. You never know when they're hiding something from you or even know the things they say about you.

Months ago, I happened to experience a situation where I had a crush, but he never told me he was already entertaining someone else. He then left me wondering whether he liked me or not by breadcrumbing me and making me feel like I was on his backburner. If you're going through the same thing, I suggest you DIP IMMEDIATELY, never settle for less and trust your intuition or gut feeling. I'm just so glad to be out of that situation now. Dealing with such complex beings is just so draining.

Note to self: There'll be people who'll need you, but that doesn't mean you'll need them.

Anyway, enjoy this little poem I wrote and finished at school for fun!

I never thought that you'd stoop so low. Did you really think I wouldn't know? Now our friendship is back to zero. Why didn't you just let me go? The truth shouldn't have been hidden from me. You disguised it as "feelings you couldn't guarantee." I must've looked like a fool, chasing after you when you had someone else. But I guess I should've known, 'cause all you ever think about is yourself.