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[green-gummmybears]

She wore a sunflower dress and on the first day that I saw her, I fell in love. Over time, she fell in love with me too. She taught me what it was to live, with her wildness and her crackling laughter. And I taught her how to love. It wasn’t always easy. There were nights when she would wake up screaming and I would hold her close, and stroke her hair until she fell back asleep. There were mornings when she would be distant. A few times, I thought about leaving. Over December, when she cried almost every day and my presence hardly seemed to matter to her anymore. Over Easter, when we fought constantly. But there were periods of sunshine too. And it was during these times that I remembered the sunflower dress. “I loved that dress,” I told her, one rainy October evening. “Really?” she laughed in that characteristic way of hers. “Yes.“ The next week, she wore it to meet my family. She looked so happy that I couldn’t help but laugh. I couldn’t help but love her. It is these moments that I think about now - now that she is gone. The sunflower dress and her crackling laughter. The way that I loved her. The sunflowers in my parent’s back garden swaying in the breeze. I wonder whether she still wears them when she feels happy. 

I hope that she does 

[green-gummmybears]

To the man who will love her next

The first time you’ll look at her, you’ll never know what’s inside of her. The way she smiles when something good happens to her, the color of her eyes when she’s sad or horny, the way she flips her hair, the way she talks, she’s more than what your eyes can see. And the moment you try to get to know her, all you want to do is to spend the rest of your life knowing her.

  Let me tell you something about Maj. She’s a paradox, she wants to be happy, but she’s thinking of the things that makes her sad. She doesn’t like herself, but she also love the person she is. She says fuck off, but in reality she really wants you to give a shit. She’s a conflicted contradiction. She’s complicated. A walking disaster. She’s difficult to be with. She’s loud, especially when you fight over things that isn’t worth arguing for. It’s really hard dealing with her "crazy”. She never know what she wants. She’ll get mad if you chase her, but if you will not do that, believe me, she won’t talk to you for an hour.  When she says she doesn’t care, she really don’t. She’s clingy, she’ll spam your inbox with ‘hey yous’ and ‘r u still awake’. She’s stubborn and hard headed. There are days when she’s grumpy for no apparent reason other than the fact that she’s grumpy. She’s moody like she won’t talk to you or sometimes she’s really mad at you for no apparent reason just to apologize two seconds later.. There are days when she’ll complain about everything like the people around her, the food that she ordered, that “life is hard”, even to small little things or even you and you’ll just have to deal with it. There are days where she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, even you, because that’s the time when she wants to shuts the world out because she just wants to sit in silence. She doesn’t get easily jealous, but when she does, prepare for a world war iii, and you need to do a lot of explanations. There are days when her hair is messy and all over the place. She doesn’t like cheese but weirdly enough has a thing for stale cheetos and baked mac. She’s too much to handle. With her, surprises are always unpredictable, either it makes her go ballistic mad or one hell of a soft and mushy person, you just cant tell sometimes, but let me tell you, peanutbutter cups and a bouquet of sunflowers, daisies, hydrangeas and some violets/lavender goes a long way.

As you can see, these are the negative things about her. It’s not that i don’t want you to fall in love with her. It’s just that, these are the things that i loved about her. These are the things that made me fall in love with her. I’m telling you, she’s one of a kind. And if you decided to hold her heart, keep it and never break it. Be gentle as you put back the pieces of her heart that I broke. Never take her for granted, because when she’s gone, she’s gone. And I speak from agonizing, personal experience.

Love her with honesty. Don’t ever hurt her. When she’s crying, don’t say anything, just hug her. She’s really fragile and i don’t want to see her breaking. I love her but maybe she deserves someone who can fight for her. I know she needs someone like you can keep her. She’s the girl you wouldn’t dare trade her for anything in this world, too bad i let go of someone like her.

She is beautiful and she is good so you better hold her until she realizes there’s no place she’d rather be than with you and love her so god damn hard she won’t be able to hate herself.

[green-gummmybears]

I knew it hurt her and she knew it hurt me and neither of us could do a thing about it. We sat on the floor trying to fix each other, all the while knowing there was no way we could. We lay with our legs entwined until finally she said, “I love you, okay? God knows I fucking love you. But this isn’t working, is it? We’re breaking each other’s heart and it feels like we’re running on borrowed time.“ And I said nothing because she was right and I hated it. I lay there silently, hating the way everything contradicted itself. I lay there and hated it all.

[green-gummmybears]

Years has passed and I still think of you. But I no longer know if the “you” in my mind is the “you” in real life.

Memories come in flashes. The way you laughed so hard one time, you fell off the bed. The time you cried when I played Moonlight Sonata, and told me the first time that you loved me. I remember the first present you ever got me, a small music box with both our initials spinning around. I remember you eyes wide, in anticipation, and then in relief: “I love it."

I remember smoothing your wet hair from your face that time you came home in the rain; eyeliner smudged, running down both cheeks. I called you panda and you laughed.  I remember your laugh.

I remember the nervousness at meeting your cousins for the first time. Then, stepping into your childhood bedroom in your aunt’s place, and everything starting to make sense. I remember pointing to a box on top of your bookshelf. "What’s that?” I asked. “Memories,” you said. “It’s a box full of memories.” “Can I see?” I asked. “No,” you  said, “they’re things from the past. And that’s where they belong.” Later, I realised that you meant they were memories of the people you had loved.

You’d  always amazed me with the way that you could so easily move on. “The past is the past,” you liked to say.

Now, I am your past. And you are mine. The only difference is that I still think of hyou. And I cannot help but wonder if you ever think of me, or whether I am simply a part of the box at the top of yourshelf."

[green-gummmybears]

I will love you no matter who hates you or who loves you or who loves hating you. I will love you no matter who you love or who you hate or who you hate loving. I will love you no matter what a certain group of people say about us even if this certain group of people are your friends, my friends or our parents. I will love you no matter what songs you sing in the shower, no matter how wrog the lyrics are or if you're out of tune or even if you don't shower at all. I will love you even if you stop correcting my works, even when you grow tired of my mistakes not only the grammatical ones but the ones i make literally. I will love you no matter how many double chins you got or if you wear contacts to sleep or not. I will love you even if you stop tracing your lips as i fall beside you, even if you steal the blankets in the middle of the night. I will love you even if you regret meeting me and that you allowed me to woo you with my insolent tongue. That is how i will love u Mary Jane. So please just don't regret loving me.

[green-gummmybears]

That October, we fought until we bled. You couldnt forgive me for the things I'd done and I felt myself slowly degrading into an empty shell everytime we spoke. This is why I ended things. Not because I stopped loving you. No, when i close my eyes, I still remember how it felt to kiss you. I still remember you dancing in the middle of a thunderstorm to prove you will forever be a rain/moon child eventhough I call you my sunshine. I still remember going on dates with you, holding your hands, kissing your face, and making star trekkers cringe because of our horrible puns. I'll keep those memories  within me forever now. They were ours, and now they're yours and mine separately. I want you to know that I miss you. Desperately. But that doesn't negate the fact that I am bad for you. And because  I am bad for you, you are also bad for me. I can't stand to see you hurt. I can't stand it at all. I can't be the cause of all that pain.nIt tears into everything that I am. So even though I miss you, I won't say anything. And even though I know we won't talk, I still hope that you are well and,  at the very back of my mind but at the front of my heart, I hope you find the kind of happiness that I couldn't give you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much, sunshine. I'm sorry all this love will never be enough to bandage the hurt. I'm sorry. I love you.

[green-gummmybears]

I asked you if you intended to see other people, under the assumption that you completely revolted the idea of ever being with me again. Naaalala mo pa, M? Sabi mo masyadong maliit ang mundo to accompany ticking time bombs like us. Sabi mo, you’ve yet to know exactly what you want in a lover, simply because I was all you’ve ever known. You told me there were guys you haven’t met, who will teach you more about your love. Will teach you appreciation of what’s good by drowning you in the bad.

Though I understood, di ko padin maiwasan na maging selfish e. I couldn’t help remembering the times I hopped into my car or booked a flight ng alas dos ng madaling araw, and found myself at your doorstep despite the rain, despite the fights, despite the fucking geography, despite the sickness, despite the repercussions. I couldn’t fight it — how I learned about myself through learning about you. Couldn’t help remembering how many of my first experiences of being brave and bold were effects of learning what made you happy. Memories like waiting at the airport for twelve hours, of spending my first night in a city of strangers alone, of waiting, of being dishonest in return for honest intentions all seem so romantic until the romance is gone and I’m up tormenting myself at 2AM, realizing how impulsive and hopeful we can be, for love.

I was reminded of how invincible you made me feel by how debilitated I felt in your arms under the weight of your words. And though I know the intentions behind them are defended by our age and inexperiences, I couldn’t help but value my efforts. I don’t know what perfection is, but I know I was no demon for you. I couldn’t help but feel a bitter defeat for the boy who wanted to be nothing but perfect, for you. For our relationship. Because up until you,wala naman akong idea na ganun pala ako kapatient or ka forgiving eh, until i found myself caught up sa lahat ng kasinungalingan na sinabi mo and still I woke up and decided second chances can be given even when the requirements had not been met. I didn’t need time nor reasoning to realize that losing you was worst than having a dent on my red bike. :)

HIndi ko alam if years from now e maalala mo lahat ng efforts ko when you meet the ones after me. I just hope you learn to appreciate having had someone like me, when you meet the ones who find it difficult to do what I did. Most people would’ve reacted differently, especially for how infamous our generation has become for being known to act in anger when we are hurt. I hope you realize how hard I fought myself, because I am young and when you’re young you only know to be selfish and take more than give, but for you I would’ve rather given you all of me than keep myself without you. I hope with time and maturity, you will be amazed at how I remained good and comforting towards you even when I was falling apart at the seams. I hope you realize that I had every reason to be resentful, to fucking hate you, but decided instead to use it as a means for improvement. As a challenge to save our ship from sinking even when you were the anchor taking us down under. And it is strange that I never poured myself into you with a notepad on the side, keeping records of the sacrifices. They just happened, like how you and I happened, all on its own. You don’t remember them until the dense fog clears up and you feel a missing pulse, a missing half. What is left surprises me because I had no idea I could be so strong and willful in love.

Mahal na mahal padin kita, Mary Jane. That much is true, but right now, I try my best not to miss you and love you a little less by reminding myself that the exact person you were and who you are now, are two entirely different people. I know the one I miss existed, I’m sure of it. I know because I didn’t need validations to prove that she loved me, better than anyone has ever loved me. The person now neither knows nor understands me. So I try my best not to miss someone who doesn’t exist, anymore.

[green-gummmybears]

You’re reasoning with me in order for me to better understand why the presence of your absence is necessary and vital at this point in our lives. In return, we manifested explanations for a circumstance that is in itself absurd. I understand to the best of my ability but there is still so much haze in between. The one reason I still believe to make sense above all else is that if you truly loved me, we wouldn’t be here. If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t be afraid, blaming, and (unintentionally) damaging. We wouldn’t be lingering in this limbo of more than friends and less than lovers because there shouldn’t be room for doubt and insincerity. There shouldn’t be spaces for uncertainties, if you truly loved me. And you don’t seem to understand this, at all. You don’t seem to understand that though you claim to love me, the thousand actions behind those words are contradicting and loveless. That if love was truly there, it would be the clearest explanation there is. It would be the most important explanation for you to, well, stay. And I’m tired. Constantly breaking off pieces of me to accomodate for someone who is falling apart at the seams and unwilling to realize how love, above all else, does conquer all… if we let it. I shouldn’t have to justify myself to you. Shouldn’t have to force myself to believe in reasons that don’t entirely make sense, if you truly loved me. You wouldn’t have one feet in and one feet out of the door. I wouldn’t be bleeding out these words.