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grenriv · 2 years ago

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I wish I didn't feel so violently alienated from my own religion sometimes. like I really do believe in what I believe in and I want to have a better and deeper relationship with God and I would like to build relationships with other christians and then whenever I hear other people talking about doctrine/scripture/God it just feels. so cold to me. or even just the way they act in general. it's very hard to explain but it always sounds like they're reading from a script instead of voicing genuine thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like there's a barrier between me and them or I'm doing something horribly wrong, even if at the root of it I do agree with what's being said

#vent #talking to absolutely no one here I mean. I just made this blog #primarily for shouting into the void about things I'm unwilling to say elsewhere #part of this may also be because I'm autistic but even aside from that church talk feels awfully clinical sometimes #maybe it's just my scrupulosity/trauma talking but I never seem to feel at home anywhere and I often wonder if that's #just how it's meant to feel. I'm afraid of that I think #I want to feel human. I want to feel warm. I'm scared that I'm not allowed to but also I think thats the devil talking #but what if it isn't and I'm just doing something wrong or there's something wrong with me (hi scrupulosity) etc.#I want to keep my faith but I feel so estranged from both religious and secular people at all times and it's like.#neither of you understand or can/will speak to me in a way that makes me feel safe. ok #deep down I feel like I'm just a human body possessed by an incredibly skittish non denom prey animal #I don't really know if I just need to find people like me or if there are people like me or if I just need to get over it somehow?#if that makes any sense #I fucking hate anxiety days. constantly feeling convicted for no reason at all. and I was doing so well yesterday too

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grenriv · 2 years ago

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the point of life is listening to weird music by women.

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grenriv · 2 years ago

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