gretavanmoon

[gretavanmoon]

Who is Andy?

A mean, evil asshole character in a story we wrote called Vigilance😌

[gretavanmoon]

Do you think people were nervous going to see Mirador at the Troubador because Andy might have shown up?

I definitely think so, yes😆

[gretavanmoon]

A Perfect Ten - Part 1

Josh x female reader - FWB

8.4k words

+ So this story started out as part of the Fidelity Series, but after a few asks for a part two, I figured why not, let's rebrand it a little bit ;) Story loosely based off of "Finish What Ya Started" by Van Halen

+ After befriending your coworker Josh at your new workplace, the both of you realize you need each other in more ways than one. Things might get a little cloudy as an ongoing judge of actions takes place, leaving the both of you wrapped up in a back and forth neither of you saw coming.

Warnings: Smoking, Drinking, Cursing, Drug Use, Mention of Breakups and Heartbreak, Sadness. Smut: Kissing, Touching, Dirty Talk, Praise, Heavy Flirting, Oral M!receiving

New town, new job, new life. 

That’s always how things went in the movies, and every time, the girl always got her happy ending.

The idea is there, and you were beyond ready to do whatever it took to make it happen. How hard can it be, right?

After you’d managed to knock the first new off your list when you moved out of your ex’s house and to the next city over, the “job” part was next in line. After a week of filling out applications, you finally landed on the perfect selection, a serving job at Angelo’s Pizza.

You’d started this new job about about three months ago, and you finally felt like you were getting your footing with the flow of things. You’d been a server for as long as you could remember, but getting used to a new restaurant with new people and new menus and management could sometimes prove to be difficult. You were handling it with as much grace as you could, and the money was killer, so you stuck it out.

“You coming to the bar with me tonight?” your new favorite coworker, Josh asked as he stared into the kitchen from the expo window, rolling a pile of round coasters across the countertop. 

“Mmmh…” You mumbled under your breath. “I dunno, I’ve been here since lunch and my feet are absolutely killing me.”

”Ugh don’t be such a prude, Y/N,” he responded, taking a pepperoni and cheese in one hand, and a supreme in the other. “We’ll be sitting down the whole time. Ya know. In barstools.”

“Shut the fuck up,” you teased, elbowing him in the ribs. “I guess so, but I can’t stay out late like last weekend. I open tomorrow.”

“Oooo, a clopen. That sucks. Well, I don’t. So I can get drunk, and you can watch me.” He flashed you a giant smile before taking off with the pizzas in hand, disappearing into the sea of people seated in the crowded restaurant.

Josh had befriended you on your very first day, comforting you after your manager harshly scolded you for ringing something in incorrectly. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he’d said as you pouted in the chilly walk-in. “I still fuck my shit up all the time. The cooks don’t really care, plus if you mess somethin’ up, we get to eat the fucked up pizza.” That was the only thing he said to you the entire day, but it really stuck with you, immediately making you feel a lot better about your tiny mistake. 

Now, after a few months of working side by side with Josh, you’d actually gotten to know each other fairly well, and you’d even go as far as calling him one of your good friends. You’d managed to get to know all your coworkers on a surface level, but Josh actually took the time to listen to you when you spoke, and showed real interest in the things you had to say, no matter how menial. 

He was cute, and around the same age as you, but there was something about Josh that you couldn’t put your finger on. It was something that struck you, making him stand out from the rest of the guys you worked with. His aura pulled you in, and the way his eyes sparkled in the neon that covered the walls of the restaurant didn’t help the fact that he sometimes made your heart skip a beat. You decided that it was just his looks, though, catching you off guard every once in a while as you were around him more. Most importantly, he made you feel welcome. Like a good friend should. 

The more you got to know Josh, the more open he became with you, and you quickly learned that his real personality outside of work was a little bit different than when you were on the clock. It’d become almost a habit, now, joining Josh at his favorite dive bar down the street when you’d both end up on the same closing schedule. It was like Groundhog Day, Josh would ask you to come out, you’d find an excuse to turn him down, but you always left Angelo’s with your hand in his as you tiredly dragged yourselves down the street. Sometimes other coworkers would join you, but it was always the two of you left shutting the bar down, joking and laughing with one another as you waited for your Ubers.

Josh was quickly becoming a norm for you. A fun, platonic norm. And though you were both flirty with one another, it never felt as though it would go past anything but that. Just friends. And you were very content with that. 

So tonight, as things wound down and the patrons closed out their tabs, you felt as if you really could use a nightcap or two to reward yourself for not making even one mistake on your orders today.

As you tied the oversized trash bag closed, you met eyes with Josh as he skillfully swiped the mop across the sticky, sauce-covered floor. 

He grinned when he saw you looking, making your stomach drop. “What?” He asked, biting his lower lip in as he staved off a full-on smile.

“Nothing. Just thinking about how you roped me into going out again tonight,” you said with faux aggravation.

Josh sucked in his teeth as he plopped the mop back into the big yellow bucket, rolling it over to where you stood. “Actually, I asked you out with me for another reason. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was gonna get absolutely shit hammered, tonight.” His tone was serious rather than silly, and you instantly felt like something was wrong.

“What’s the other reason?” You pressed, lifting the bag from the can. “Everything okay?”

He shook his head and swallowed, opening the double doors to the kitchen to go and dump his bucket. You followed closely behind him with your trash. 

“Eh, not really. I’ll tell you all about it when we get there. Let’s lock this bitch up.” He flashed his eyes to the floor as he spoke, which was unlike him. He always spoke with such confidence and effortless ease that his dismissal of looking you in the eye struck you as strange. 

The two of you finished up your closing tasks and said goodnight to the line cooks, grabbing up your things from your lockers and stuffing your aprons back inside. Josh was quiet the whole time, again striking you as out of the ordinary. You hadn’t known Josh long, but you did know him well enough to know that something was off, and he wasn’t handling it well.

“Think I’m going straight for liquor tonight,” he said as you walked arm in arm down the crowded sidewalk to the bar. He tilted his head back, blowing a puff of air above you as if he was trying his hardest not to cry.

“Damn,” you answered. “You must really be going through it, friend.” It was also unlike Josh to drink liquor; each time you were around him, he’d always chosen draft beer. 

You both stepped inside the dimly-lit dive bar, letting the old smoky smell and sticky floors envelop you in their right-at-home feeling. You both took up camp on two stools at the end of the bar, closest to the back wall. The bartender Roy approached you, throwing down two bar napkins in front of you as you got comfortable in your seats. 

“Evenin’, guys. Sex on the Beach andddd, Josh, we’ve got a Kolsch and a pale ale on tap, and also a—“

“Jack Daniel’s. Neat, please,” Josh interrupted Roy, causing him to contort his face with surprise. 

“Been waiting on you almost five years and never known you to drink liquor. But, alright…” Roy responded as he left for a minute, returning and placing your drinks in front of you. “I’ll keep the tab goin’.”

It was silent between the two of you for the first couple of minutes, both of you sipping your drinks as you relaxed your muscles from the long workday. Finally, you decided you would have to be the one to speak first, for once. 

“Okay, spill. What’s got you on the hard stuff tonight?” you asked, turning to face Josh in your stool. 

He leaned on his elbow, his tight black t-shirt squeezing his toned arm just right. “I got dumped last night.” 

You felt your eyebrows jump to your forehead. “What?! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Josh…I didn’t even know you had a—“

“Nah, it’s okay. I could kinda tell shit was going sideways, anyway, ya know? Almost expected it. But, still doesn’t make it hurt any less.” He disconnected his eye contact, tilting his glass back all the way and finishing off the last bit of his whiskey. 

You were almost stunned speechless. You hadn’t seen Josh show any emotion that even came close to sadness before, and you struggled with how you were going to react. 

Roy brought the bottle of Jack over, filling Josh’s glass with another two fingers. Roy gave you a quick look of intrigue, questioning Josh’s actions in the same way that you were.

“How long were you together?” you asked, tiptoeing with caution, given that he might not want to go into much detail. 

“Four and a half years,” he said blankly. 

“My god, are you serious?!” you choked out with disbelief. 

He nodded hard as he kept his eyes trained on the bar in front of you, spinning his stool in tiny tight circles. “Yeah. Long time.” He sipped his drink again. 

“I really am sorry, Josh. That’s a long time to be with someone for it to just...” you placed a hand on his arm as you spoke. 

He crossed his arms in front of him. “Yeah, it’s fucked,” he growled, leaning back in his stool. 

“You wanna talk about it?” you asked. 

“No, that’s why we’re here.” He slammed his hands on the bar top, motioning for Roy to refill your already almost empty cocktail. 

Roy brought your new drink over, stirring the drink with the tiny straw for you. Josh lifted his glass into the air, forcefully clinking it against yours. “To moving on!” He said, finishing the drink off once again. 

——

An hour or so later, you and Josh had managed to find yourselves significantly intoxicated again, engaged in a deep passionate debate. 

“Ever since they banned smoking indoors, the American bar scene has been fucked!” Josh drunkenly yelled overtop of the loud music and large crowd that had joined you inside the bar. 

You had to laugh. “Josh, not everybody loves breathing that shit in! It makes some people really sick!” you challenged. 

“Ah, hell. You come into a bar, you expect to be around smoke, all there is to it. All there is to it!” He crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders in defiance of your argument. 

“You can go outside and smoke, Josh. Easy as that. Just get over it!” The two of you were glassy-eyed and giggly, feeling your liquor take hold of you as you talked. Josh brought about a warmth in you that you’d never experienced before, and you’d be lying if you said your…attraction? to him wasn’t amplified when you were drunk. 

No, not attraction. 

Something else…

You had no idea what to label the feeling, because you’d never felt it ever before. You took it in stride, though, embracing the completely new emotion as it came. It was almost like you craved his attention, and fed off of him engaging with you. You wanted to please him, but not in such a way that was sexual. 

…You didn’t think. 

No. You just craved his recognition. Wanted his eyes on you and no one else. Wanted to make him laugh, be the one who made him forget about everything else. It wasn’t a jealousy thing, it was a matter of possessiveness. You wanted to protect him like a best friend. And anyone who dared cause him unhappiness would have to deal with you. 

‘Is this insane thinking?! Am I crazy for this?’ You drunkenly asked yourself as you washed your hands in the bar bathroom sink, giving yourself a disapproving look in the mirror. Probably, maybe…but he seems to feel the same about you... You had noticed that the second you’d inadvertently struck up a conversation with another guy at the bar, Josh quickly stole your attention away again, bringing up a whole new topic of conversation that had nothing to do with the last. 

He charmed you. Drew you in. Challenged your thoughts and opinions…made you talk like you’d never talked before. Laugh like you’d never laughed. 

“You’re really smart, Y/N. I didn’t really notice that about you, before,” Josh smiled as he leaned over toward you on the bar. His cheeks were tinted the prettiest pink from the alcohol, his eyes twinkling from the flash of the old TV above you.

“Uhh, thanks, I guess?” you chortled, feigning being offended. 

“No I mean, you surprise me. Keep me guessing, every time I turn around. Never had a friend like that before. I’m usually so bored with everyone I meet. You make me like, think. Ya know?” He explained as you nodded sweetly in understanding. You knew you were blushing. 

“Last call!!” You heard Roy yell across the still-crowded room. You made blurry eye contact with Josh again. 

“Damn, we didddit agin,” you stammered. “Let me pay, you’ve had a hard couple’a days.” 

“No no no, no you don’t. I asked you here, my treat. Plus, my drinks were fuckin’ pricey tonight.”

“But Josh, let me treat you, for once...” You jutted your bottom lip out as you begged him. You watched as his eyes landed on your lips, stealing his attention again. Suddenly, you felt excited. 

“Alright, alright. But I’m leavin’ the tip,” he agreed. “I just needed some sympathy…that’s all I wanted tonight.”

“And you got it, didn’t you? You forgot all about your messy breakup?”

“For the most part, yes,” he laughed. “But I like to look at the long run, ya know? Like to take each step, one by one. Let myself live in the sadness, as long as it helps me heal.”

You scoffed as you signed your name on the receipt and pulled your coat on. “Psh, Josh, didn’t you just cheers me and say ‘to moving on’?”

He stood from his stool, wrapping his right arm around your neck tightly. The smell of his cologne mixed with the remnants of pizza filled your senses, temporarily making you dizzy as he squeezed you in his grip. 

“I did, Y/N, I did. But I’m also drunk, now. Sooo. And also, I don’t really wanna go home yet. ‘M gonna walk you to your Uber then hit up Chauncey’s…they stay open ‘til 2.”

You turned in his grasp, your face within inches of his as he still held you tightly. “Don’t go back out, Josh. No sense in drinkin’ your sorrows away by yourself.” It felt like you were outside of your own body; all you wanted was to go home and strip down and crawl into bed, but for some reason, your mouth told Josh that apparently you didn’t want to go home, either. “Come back to my place. We’ll have one more drink, and we can share the blunt that TJ gave me yesterday.”

“TJ? The line cook?” Josh seemed surprised. “You letting strangers give you drugs now, Y/N?”

“He’s hardly a stranger, Josh. Why, you jealous?” You teased, while also testing the waters of what the hell this feeling the two of you apparently shared could actually be. 

“Fuck no, I’m not jealousss. I’m…I…” Josh opened his mouth, but nothing came out after that. “I don’t know, I just—“ You were still tightly wrapped up in the crook of his elbow, his face so close to yours that you could smell the liquor on his breath as he struggled to speak, his hooded eyes bouncing around the room as he slurred. 

You decided to save him. “It’s alright Josh. You don’t have to come over. I’ll smoke it allllll by myself…” you sneakily wrapped your arm around his back, giving it a couple playful pats. 

He looked down at you through his lashes, his jaw clenched tightly together as he pressed his mouth to your ear. “You really want me to come over?”

You nodded. “I do. Come on, it’ll be fun.” More than anything, you wanted him to know you were the reason he had such a good night, and the reason he was able to forget about his breakup.

“Okay, jackass. You talked me into it. Let’s go get high.” He released you from his grasp as you confirmed your Uber on your phone, and your overwhelming satisfaction of claiming his attention again propelled you out the door. 

——

“Cute place. You decorate it yourself?” Josh teased as you both entered your apartment. It was only half-decorated and you hardly had any furniture, spending most of your days working and saving up money to finish furnishing it. 

“Shut up, dick head!” You shoved him backwards as he laughed. “I haven’t finished making it cute yet.” You pulled the bottle of liquor from the cabinet, shaking the little bit that was left. “I know you’ve been drinking whiskey, but…vodka’s all I’ve got.”

“Ah, it’ll work.” Josh responded, plopping down on your couch. “M’already fucked with a hangover tomorrow, might as well do it up.” You caught sight of his pretty light brown curls sitting on top of his head, and you felt another rush of that strange excitement soar through you. 

You made the two drinks and joined him on the couch, pulling the blunt up under your nose as you breathed in its earthy scent. Josh took the drink from your hand, raising his eyebrows as he watched you smell the rolled marijuana. 

“TJ usually has good shit, I will say,” he winked, sipping his drink. 

You pulled your feet up underneath you on the couch, scooting yourself closer to him. “Thought you said I shouldn’t take drugs from strangers…”

“I never said you shouldn’t, I just meant that next time you should get your weed from me.” He spoke without a care, taking the blunt from your hand and bringing it to his own nose. 

“Ah, well I was unaware I could do that, Joshua.” You snatched it back from him, taking the lighter from the table in front of you and lighting the end of the blunt. You inhaled the smoke slowly, noticing that Josh hadn’t responded to you. 

You glanced at him, finding the most devastating half smile on his face. You swore you felt your skin tingle. 

“Did you just call me by my government name, Y/N?” He whispered, leaning his head down to you. 

You exhaled the smoke you didn’t realize you were holding, nodding slowly. “Yeah, you mad about it?”

You passed him the blunt. “Nah, kinda liked the way it sounded, actually.” You watched as his lips made a perfect O around the tip of the blunt, and you found yourself wondering what kind of lip balm he used to get them to look…like that…

You felt your eyes grow heavy as your first hit found you, the THC entering your system quickly. Josh must have noticed, as he giggled at your appearance. “Told you TJ had good shit.”

“I swear to god I’m already fuckin’ high…” you laughed, taking another big hit. 

“Mmm, no baby, you’re crossed. But not all the way. Yet.” Josh’s voice was gritty and buttery all at the same time. And the fact that he called you baby had you feeling that same feeling again. He calls everybody baby, though…all the girls at work…you’re not special. 

The two of you sat and smoked until the blunt was a roach, and the air around you was thick with haziness. Your entire body was heavy and floaty, and you swore you could feel the blood pumping through your extremities. The conversation with Josh was so easy, so effortless, and the way the two of you held the complete attention of one another continued to astound you. 

“So tell me about you. What’s your real story?” Josh asked, the both of you sitting facing one another completely, now. 

You sipped your vodka drink. “What do you mean, real story?”

“I only know a little bit about you, where did you come from? What’s in your past?”

You took a deep breath. “Well, believe it or not, Josh, I kinda just got broken up with recently, too.”

“No way, you’re kidding. When? What happened?” He pressed. 

“Ahh, about a month before I started at Angelo’s. I’m from about twenty miles away, up north a bit. Came here looking to start completely fresh. Still close enough to my family, if I need them. Ya know…” you trailed off. Josh’s eyes were telling you to continue. 

“I got dumped, too. After a year of being with him. I thought we were serious, but apparently not. It didn’t hurt me too bad, I’m alright. Liking my new life pretty well, actually.”

Josh dramatically leaned back on the couch cushion, throwing his free hand over his face. “Ugh, god…how embarrassing. You handled bein’ dumped like a goddamned rockstar. I’m over here down in the dumps.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s okay, Josh. Four and a half years is a lot longer than one…”

“You’re right, I guess.” He sat back up, bringing his attention back to you. “So what was his reason? What was his last straw?” He asked, moving his face closer to yours. Your body was vibrating from the alcohol and the weed, and the presence of Josh sitting so close to you on your couch. You were positively buzzing. 

“He uh, didn’t really give me one. Just said it was over,” you whispered, feeling your emotions flying all over the place. Josh’s hand reached up, twirling a piece of your hair between his fingers. “He also said I was a bad kisser, or something stupid.”

Josh winced at your words. “A bad kisser? I highly doubt that, Y/N…” 

“And why do you doubt that?” You giggled. 

“Because. I have a hard time taking my eyes off your lips, I can only imagine how hard it would be to take my lips off of them…” he smirked a little, laughing through his nose. 

“You’re fuckin’ stoned,” you laughed, leaning your face onto his hand. 

“And? I speak nothing but the truth, baby.”

“Mmmhm, yeah. Shut up,” you complained. 

“I’m serious. I bet you really are a good kisser. That guy was just…stupid.”

“Maybe I’m a horrible kisser, how would I ever know?” You shrugged, feeling your body about to jump out of your skin simply from having this conversation with Josh. 

He held his first two fingers up, motioning for you to come here. “Come on. Show me how you like to kiss.” 

“What?! No, I’m not gonna do that,” you blushed, pulling away from him with shyness. 

“Baby, it’s me. I’m just trying to judge your kissing skills. I’ll be completely honest with you, tell you if that guy was right or not,” Josh said, holding his hands out to the sides. 

You stopped, staring at him through your slit eyelids, trying to figure him out. He met you with sincere eyes, and though you were both extremely intoxicated, you didn’t feel uncomfortable in the least. 

“I’m serious. Just kiss me,” he ordered matter of factly. “S’no big deal.” 

You took a deep breath, feeling the air surrounding you heavy with normalcy, but also heavy with yearning. 

You slowly pulled yourself in closer to him, gently wetting your lips as your mind went back and forth on whether or not to do this. Your breath became a little chopped, nerves bursting through the wall of your drunken carelessness. 

Finally you were close enough to feel his breath on your lips, and your hands naturally shot up to cup his jaw. He clenched it, his eyes falling heavy again as his breath caught. Your heart was absolutely pounding from your chest being in this close proximity with him. 

“Do it,” he whispered. “Show me.”

You finally let your lips press gently to his, your hands still cupping his jaw, as his hands sat comfortably in his lap. The feeling of them was exactly what you had imagined. Soft, supple, and sweet, with the tiniest bit of sting on them from the leftover liquor. You finally exhaled, pulling away a bit to gauge his reaction. 

“You can get into it, baby,” he smiled, urging you to push through your nerves. “I’m just here to help, s’just me…” his voice was like honey, the sound of it tearing through your body as he motivated you. 

You leaned in again, this time letting yourself be a little more brazen, a little more steadfast as you worked to prove your ex wrong. Worked to impress Josh. Worked to show him. You opened your mouth a little, letting your tongue skirt across his bottom lip. The flavor of him almost knocked you down. 

You began to get into it some more, letting your high take over, and letting your guard down as you found yourself really, really enjoying kissing him. You perched up a little bit, moving to your knees to get a better stance. 

“Mmmhmm… keep goin’ baby…” Josh mumbled when you broke away for a second. His words urged you on, and you felt brave enough to push your tongue further into his mouth, but only a little. You didn’t want to overwhelm, just experiment. His tongue met yours in the process, tasting each other for the very first time. 

Your hands curled up in his hair, squeezing at the roots a bit. He let out a little whine, so quiet that you almost didn’t even hear it. It ignited something inside you again, and you knew you had to drive it home. Had to prove yourself. You pulled away for a second, hissing in air as you bit his bottom lip, pulling it out a little and making eye contact before pressing into him again, both of you moving in such unison that you were fully involved in the sultry kiss, now. 

At this point you felt like you were teetering on the thin line of platonic kissing; you were still trying to prove yourself, but also…he tasted so good…

You felt the need to be touched. You reached down and grabbed Josh’s wrists, pulling them up to rest on you- one hand on your thigh, and the other around the back of your neck. You wanted reciprocation. He obliged, and as you licked into his mouth, his hand squeezed into your thigh, strong and needing. His fingers felt like burning embers on your leg, and you wished that you had changed into shorts when you got home. 

His hand pulled at the back of your neck, burying your mouths further into one another for a few seconds as you watched his brow furrow, his eyes peeking open just a little to take you in. 

“Fuck, baby…he was wrong, you proved him so wrong…” Josh said, smiling against your lips as he delved back in. Your mind was swimming from his words of praise, and you decided that though this was simply an act between friends, you knew that you could kiss him all day long, never tiring of the feeling of his lips on yours. You were completely surrounded by him, by his warming presence. His scent, his sounds, his touch… It was all too much. You felt like you were drowning in him, but you didn’t dare try to pull yourself from his waters. 

Your hands squeezed at his hair one last time as you let them drift down his cheeks and neck, tickling the back of it before rolling across his shoulders. You slowly brought them down to his pecs, and finally rested them on his cheeks again, pulling his face away from yours for a split second before landing one last peck. 

When you finally disconnected, you took in the sight of him…hair disheveled, eyes black and glazed, and his hands still rested gently in the places that you put them. 

“Holy fuck…” he breathed. 

“Oh my god, was it bad? It was bad, wasn’t it? He was right, I’m a horrible kis—“ you were completely cut off by Josh’s lips on yours again, this time forcefully pulling you into him. This kiss was pleading, unbridled, and wanting, and each time you pulled away, you both were panting with want. 

“What the fuck are we doing?” You breathed when you broke away. 

“Kissing contest,” he answered, his hand respectfully staying on the back of your neck. “I think I’m winning, though…” 

“Mmm, I don’t know about that…” you said with a bit more confidence in yourself after seeing how you made him feel. 

“Yeah you’re right,” he agreed through an inhale. “You’re kicking my ass at this experiment.” He drove his tongue into your mouth again, but it didn’t make you want to retract…it made you want to pull it in further. You began to feel the heat that the two of you were emanating, and the sweat that was forming on your skin. 

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t completely turned on, but you would never let him know that. You couldn’t. You’re just friends. One friend helping another get over his ex by having a kissing contest. Makes total sense. 

Finally you pulled away again, covering your mouth with your hand. You laughed, making Josh in turn laugh with you. “Well? What’s the verdict? Was he right?” You asked. 

“Fuck no, he wasn’t right. You’re a hell of a kisser, Y/N.” Josh’s smile stretched all the way across his face, completely blissed out in his high. His hand came up to shyly wipe at his eyes as he huffed a breath. “God damn, you left me a panting mess, baby.”

Your heart stopped at his words, feeling more confidence in yourself than you’d felt in a long, long time. Suddenly, the wildest idea to ever come across your mind escaped right through your lips. 

“Josh, we’re just good friends, right?” you asked. 

“Yeah, baby. Real good friends,” he wiped his hand across his mouth before extending both arms across the back of your couch. 

“Do you—do you care if I finish what I started?” you asked in an absolute moment of weakness. The look on his face turned up into surprise, and you weren’t sure how he was going to react to your question. 

“What uh, what do you mean, Y/N?” 

You moved toward him again, wanting to feel him again. Feel his hands on you again. Be the center of all his attention again. 

“Can you judge something else for me, Josh? I’ve always wondered how well I…performed…and who better to be the judge than my very good friend? Who will be completely honest with me?” 

WHO even are you?! You felt like a person outside your own body. The confidence he was giving you was…

“This ain’t no way to treat the broken-hearted, baby…” he replied, his voice a soft breath of air as his head lulled backwards. You paused again, unsure how to take him. “But I’ll be your judge…”

“Really? You will?” You asked, feeling vulnerable, but also wanting to show out for him. 

“Mhm. If that’s what you really want…” He bit his lower lip into his mouth, letting his eyes fall onto your lips like they had been doing all night. 

“Just friends…” you reiterated. 

“Just friends,” he parroted, lightly tapping your cheek with his hand. 

This was absolutely something you never did, and definitely wasn’t something you could ever even see yourself doing with Josh, of all people. You were supposed to be making him forget about his ex, letting him talk through it… hell, he was just dumped twenty-four hours ago. But there was something other-worldly spurring you on, whispering in your ear to just do it. And he was letting you. Was it wrong? Maybe, probably… but honestly, where was the harm in it? You were both obviously into each other, and as long as you were just making each other happy, you didn’t see anything wrong with it.

Besides, this new need to make him think about nothing but you at every single second was making your head spin, and you wanted his focus completely on you, right now. You moved to press your lips to his again, letting things naturally heat up so that you could continue on with your intentions. You took a deep breath, confidently removing yourself from the couch, placing yourself in the floor in front of him. It was at this second that you were extremely thankful for your liquid courage, and the fact that you were too stoned to care about much else besides pleasing Josh. He almost made it easy. 

“Ten,” Josh said out of nowhere. 

“What?” you asked. 

“I give your kissing a ten out of ten. Seriously,” he said, smiling from the corner of his mouth as he ran his hand along your arm, peering down at you as you kneeled on the floor. 

You felt your face turn beet red, and you halfway didn’t really believe him. 

“Stop playing, you don’t have to be nice,” you erred.

“M’not just being nice. Seriously, I rate it a ten,” he stated, and you knew by the sincerity in his voice that he was telling the truth.

“Wow. Didn’t expect that, honestly,” you pulled a few strands of hair behind your ear. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now, you gonna finish what ya started, or not?” There was a darkness in his tone that you hadn’t noticed yet, and it made your stomach turn over with nerves. But even more so, it lit a fuse in your chest that was slowly burning, ready to explode at any given second. And with each passing minute, you wanted to impress him even more. 

You maneuvered yourself on your knees, gripping his thighs and pulling them apart so that you could place yourself between them. Your hands stayed there on his legs, squeezing and kneading at his muscles as you moved your hands closer and closer to where you both really wanted them to be. You could almost physically see him getting harder through his dark jeans, and you could hear his breathing picking up, too. 

You let your hands drift to his groin, squeezing the muscles there as he leaned down in his seat, giving you extra space as his head fell back on the cushions. You found the button on his jeans, pulling the fabric sideways and undoing the button with one hand and unzipping the zipper. 

“Damn, alright…” Josh laughed, holding his hands up. “Show off.”

You took that as a tiny win, and decided to keep it going, playing on his words from earlier. ‘You keep me guessing at every turn…’

You pushed your hair back behind your shoulders, and leaned yourself down, letting your mouth meet his boxer-covered dick. You nipped your teeth lightly at it, making him hiss. You could tell just from this little bit of contact that he was well-endowed, and you felt your mouth physically watering for him. You needed to taste him. Your lips bounced around, peppering little kisses all over… the indirect contact making his hips jut up a little. 

You sat back, motioning with your hands. “Pull them down for me,” you demanded of him, and he gave you the sneakiest smirk, leaning back and pushing his pants and boxers down far enough to spring himself free. 

You weren’t wrong. He was perfectly sized, and it reassured you that you were okay with going forward with this. What you did notice, though, was he wasn’t as hard as you wanted him to be. Your hands rested on his thighs again as you sized him up, licking your lips as you prepared yourself. 

Josh had been the one urging you on all night, but suddenly, it felt like there had been a little bit of a shift. You finally brought your moistened lips to him, licking little circles around his tip, starting slowly at first, then picking up a little bit of speed. You swirled and gently suckled, and you felt him take in a big breath of air into his lungs. You glanced up at him, finding him looking up at the ceiling as he bit his lips. 

“What’sa matter, Josh? You okay?” you pressed, knowing that you could stop at any second, if that was what he wanted. 

“No, yeah. I’m fine. I’m sorry, I just… this is the first time someone else…since…” he didn’t need to say anything more.

“God, yeah. I’m sorry, your breakup is so fresh, I’m sure this is more mental than anything, for you…” you agreed as you sat back. “We don’t have to–”

“No. Yes we do, Y/N. I’m just…” You could tell Josh was having a hard time with his words again, for the second time tonight. 

“Just what? You can tell me…” you tried comforting him, placing your hands lower on his knees.

He swallowed, placing a sweet hand on the side of your face. “This is the first time I’ve um…been…with a woman…in a very long time.”

“Oh,” you muttered, his sentiment catching you off guard a little. You hadn’t realized you never even asked the name of his ex, let alone any details about the relationship.

“But it’s okay, Y/N,” he smiled, letting his thumb brush your cheek. “I may be wallowing in my sorrows, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want this, want you to do this. Just…in my head a little bit,” he admitted, putting a hole through your heart.

You sighed. “It doesn’t feel wrong?” Your voice was tiny as it escaped you. 

He quickly shook his head side to side as he layed back on his elbow behind his head. “No. That’s what’s making me freak out a little, it doesn’t feel wrong in the least,” he swallowed. “Maybe I…Maybe I wasn’t as in love as I thought I was.”

You smiled a pitiful smile as you rested your elbows on his knees, taking a deep, recentering breath of your own as the heavy air fell silent around you.

“You’re really fuckin’ pretty, Y/N,” he complimented you out of the blue, his thumb still grazing your cheek. “And I’m really into you.”

“You are?” you asked.

“Yeah. I know we said we’re friends, but friends can do this. Right? Doesn’t stop the fact that I’m attracted to you.” His glossy words made your stomach do flips again as you realized maybe his feelings were the exact same as yours. Unexplainable, but still overwhelmingly good.

“Yeah. I really think friends can do this,” you agreed. And you were serious. If you were going to be this person for Josh, then he could also in turn be this person for you. 

“Plus, the feeling of your lips on my cock just now…” He laughed through his nose. “Might be in competition with your ten out of ten kissing. And you hadn’t even shown me what they could do, yet.” He stopped there, biting both his lips into his mouth as he slid his hips down again, cocking an eyebrow. 

Good god, you’d hoped he would have a little bit of a dirty mouth. 

“You want me to keep going?” You asked. 

“Fuck yeah, I do. I gotta judge your skill, don’t I?” He played, removing his hand from your cheek and running it through your hair. He gripped it a little, making you stiffen your neck. Your eyes flashed to his, and you didn’t even need to say anything, he knew what you meant. He nodded, giving you the go ahead, and you prayed that he wouldn’t remove his hand from tangling up in your hair. 

You slowly leaned down to him again, starting things up just as you had before. Your tongue swirled on his tip, wetting it in circles as you let the saliva build up in your mouth. Around and around you took it, descending further and further onto him with every rotation. You heard him breathe out, his hips shaking a little beneath you. As you got as far as you could get, you pursed your lips down, tightening them around the base of his dick before sucking hard, pulling up and off of him completely. His hand tightened in your hair, showing you that he was liking it so far. 

He let out a groan, followed by a little laugh. “Fuck yeah, Y/N…”

You quickly found a rhythm, letting your head begin to bob as you worked your tongue and cheeks, alternating forceful suction mixed with light little pops of your lips. His hips were jutting with every movement, and the sounds that were coming from him were enough to keep you going, keep you striving to impress him…

You took him in your hand, gripping at the base and using the saliva that had dripped down as lubrication to move your hand, twisting and pumping it. “Jesus Christ, you’re…” 

You took a second to glance up at him, seeing his jaw tightly clenched and his chest heaving with labored breaths. He brought his other hand down, pulling the hair that had drifted down away from your face, pulling it all back to the nape of your neck and holding it tightly there. You nodded, letting him know you were okay with him guiding your movements. 

“Mhm,” you hummed on him. “Show me how you like it.”

He let out a choke of breath and readjusted in his seat, spreading his legs wider for you. He gripped a little harder on your hair, pulling you up and across his stomach, your faces almost touching as he brought his mouth close. He didn’t say anything, just hissed through his teeth as he scanned over your face. He then used a little bit of force to push your head back down to where it was, and you resumed your work. 

Fuck, what the hell is happening… your chemistry with Josh was absolutely off the chain. You felt like you would follow every command he would ever give you, let him use you in the worst ways, completely trusting him to do as he pleased. You were absolutely yearning to satisfy him. 

“I’ll show you exactly how I like it baby, but this is your show, remember? You’re calling the shots…” he growled, his voice deeper and more grating than it was earlier. You shrugged one shoulder, replacing your hand around his base. You moved it up and down opposite of your mouth, making his whole body start to shake. Your tongue worked on him, as your mouth drifted down as far as it could possibly go, with the help of Josh’s light guidance.

The weed had contributed to your slow, languid movements while the alcohol made your inhibitions fly out the window… the beautiful combo of the crossfade sending you both into a blurry and slow-motioned entanglement. You swore you could listen to his noises and praises on repeat as they dripped from his lips, quiet and comforting, as devious as they were.

“So fuckin’ pretty, Y/N… so fuckin’ pretty…” he mumbled, lightly thrusting himself into your mouth as your neck began to ache a little. “Slow and steady, just like that…”

He puffed out a quick breath with a blow of his lips, and you could tell that he was enjoying himself just as much as you were. Normally, you would finish up the job, and expect repayment, but getting Josh to even feel the tiniest bit of pleasure at your hand was enough. It was that draw, that need to make him feel good. Keeping him and him only in the spotlight. And if you had to guess, you were doing a pretty good job at it.

After a few seconds, his movements became jostled, and his once slow grinding movements started to falter. You felt him start to throb in your mouth, and you knew it wouldn’t be long until he was crumbling beneath you, all at the mercy of your mouth. 

“Hey, you want me to–” he said, suddenly shuddering. 

You nodded again, pleading with him to let it all go. You wanted the whole thing, wanted him to have the full experience. You needed to see what he tasted like. 

His breath started to pick up as he gripped your hair tighter, his hips pushing his dick further into your mouth as you let him graze the back of your throat, tears pouring from the sides of your eyes. “Come on baby, come on… just a little bit longer…fuck…” 

Finally, he was letting it all go, filling up your mouth as you swallowed his bitter-sweetness down, savoring the taste of him on your tongue. His whole body went rigid as he came, shaking and jerking as you worked to make sure not a drop was left behind. You squeezed your hand around him, pulling him up into your mouth. His whines were like music to your ears, pathetic and pitiful as he worked to come back down to earth. 

“Son of a bitch, Y/N… that was…” he said as you sat back up, wiping your mouth off with the back of your hand. He caught your jaw in his grasp, squeezing your cheeks together and forcing you to open your mouth. He pulled you closer, bringing you in for a heated kiss that left you smoldering for him. 

When you finally pulled away, you met eyes with him, and you could tell he was completely blissed out. “S’been a long time since I’ve had anything like that.” He admitted, pulling your back up to sit by him on the couch again. 

He tucked himself back in his boxers but decided to forgo buttoning back up. “Really? Even in a four and a half year long relationship?” you asked. 

“Ah, I dunno. We were long distance, so… it was few and far between but. Really I meant being with someone who actually showed passion about making me feel good. You know what I mean?”

You couldn’t help but smile. That was exactly what you wanted out of this. For Josh to feel that you wanted to be there. 

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I just…wanted to make you feel good,” you admitted, shrugging one shoulder up as you brushed your disheveled hair back into place. “So, what’s my rating, huh? Give it to me straight.”

Josh closed one eye and looked up with the other as if he was thinking really hard. “Uh, nine and a half.”

Your mouth fell slack, and you felt the soreness in your jaw joints. “Ah! Why the half?!” you argued. “Not a ten?”

He chuckled. “Would be a ten, but I only took away the half because I know that I won’t be able to feel you like that all the time.” You both stared at one another as you let his words sink in. 

Could you, though?

“And because I feel like you were holding back, a little. Weren’t you?” he pressed. His statement took you by surprise, because he was right. 

“...Maybe…”

“You shouldn’t have. It’s just me, remember. Guess you’ll have to show up and show out next time. See if you can get a perfect ten,” he said with nonchalance. 

“Next time?” you spat without a thought. 

He shrugged, squeezing his hand around your thigh. “Sure, why not? If you want to, of course. Might be fun to have a little situation we’re both comfortable with… no strings attached type thing…”

You ran over the idea in your head, not really seeing anything wrong with it. You nodded, agreeing with his outlandish proposal.

“But, there is one thing, Y/N,” he swallowed, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. “Obviously I… um. I didn’t make you feel good, tonight. But, just give me some–”

You cupped your hand over Josh’s mouth. “Josh, honey, shut up. You don’t have to explain it to me. I understand, and it’s okay. If we’re gonna do this, it's all gonna be in good fun, right?”

He nodded from behind your hand. “Right,” he mumbled. 

“And I certainly didn’t feel uncomfortable with you, so. I’m pretty positive we could just sit here and look at each other and we would have a good time,” you laughed, pulling your hand from his face. He caught your hand in his, and gave it a sweet squeeze. 

“Not sure I’d be able to sit by you for too long without something happening. You’re a fuckin’ treat, Y/N. I swear.” His eyes traveled down your body again, and you watched his gears turn as his gaze drifted over your breasts. “Thank you, for tonight.”

“Thank you,” you whispered. “We still friends?”

He took your chin between his fingers. “Yeah. Good friends.”

As the air between you finally started to settle and the intoxication turned into sobriety, you realized that the night was nearly about to turn into morning. You didn’t have to be at work until 11, so you were going to be able to get at least a little bit of sleep before your shift tomorrow. 

“It’s too late to get an Uber, Josh. Just stay here,” you more demanded than suggested, pulling the blanket from the back of the couch and tossing it overtop of his lap. You stood, stretching your body as you made your way toward your bedroom. 

“What, you not gonna invite me to your bed?” He asked, throwing you off. 

“Uhh, I mean, sure–”

“I’m kidding, Y/N. We’re friends. Friends don’t sleep in beds together. Friends sleep on couches.” You watched as he burrowed himself under the puffy blanket and made himself horizontal.

“Maybe one day you’ll end up in my bed.” You tossed the joke over your shoulder, walking down the short hallway. 

“And maybe one day you’ll get a perfect ten.”

xoxoxo jules

Taglist: @britney-gvf @sacredstarcatcher @wetkleenex-gvf @farfromthehomelands @takenbythemadness @writingcold @builtbybrokenbells @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @fleet-of-fiction @milkgemini @gvfpal @ageofcj@dancingcarbon @highway-tuna @stardustjake @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @gvfmarge @gracev0609 @myleftsock @literal-dead-leaf @peaceloveunitygvf @ageofbajabule @slut4lando @jordie-gvf @sadiechar @tinydancer40 @rosabellagvf @capnjaket @lyndz2names @thetroublegetssoloud71 @gretavanomens @spark-my-nature @josh-iamyour-mama @anythingforjtk @alwaysonthemend @danieljlmwagner @klarxtr @fortunatelytinybasement @demonrat444 @gretavansara @watchingover-hypegirl @hippievanfleet @digitalnomadz @raviolilegs @lipstickitty @hippievanfleet @klarxtr @strange-whorizons @do-it-jakey-baby @myownparadise96 @gvf-luna @starshine-wagner@cassiesgreta @joopsandjangs @whimsiliz @kiszkas-canvas@whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick@gretavangroupie

[gretavanmoon]

VERGE OF OBSCENE

Jake x female reader, Danny x female reader

14k words

+ Reader is faced with making a decision that she didn't anticipate when she left the bar, one night. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, she refuses to end her night on a bad note.

+ Hello friends! Tomorrow is my birthday, so I decided to gift you all with a little sum sum Danny and Jake. This story spawned from an idea @moonlightisdancing so graciously shared with me, so hopefully I did it justice ;) Enjoyyyyy

Thankies to @gretavangroupie for the read thruuu

Warnings: 18+! Angst: Cursing, Drinking, Bar Scene, Erratic/Unsafe Driving, Lying, Slight Jealousy, Unclean Thoughts

Y/N being a little heaux / Asshole Danny (I'm sorry don't k!ll me)

Smut: Kissing, Heavy Flirting, Dirty Talk, Touching, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex, Fingering, Oral Sex (M! and F! Receiving)

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, huh?” Danny says into your ear, his breath hot and spiced with the scent of dark rum as it melts you into a puddle of nothing on the floor. His hands are placed lightly on your hips, holding you up steady as your group of friends begins making its way toward the exit of the crowded club.

“Mhmm,” you nod, your hair falling in front of your face as you fight the urge to arch your back into him. Your eyes have begun to blur on their own, the alcohol and the atmosphere seeping into your system in the most delicious way. Your body begs you to let him know that the feeling is mutual, but before you can, he pulls away, sliding his phone out of his pocket as he sips down the very last of his icy drink. 

“I’ll order an uber,” he says, crunching on a piece of ice as his eyes drift from your face all the way down to the black strapped heels you’d chosen tonight.

“Bitch, you’re drunk,” your best friend Jasmine giggles in your ear, taking the place of Danny as she grabs your hand in hers, still halfway dancing as she pulls you toward the doors. 

“I’m not, Jas,” you laugh, wishing that you hadn’t worn these high heels. “I mean I am, I’m just… I think I’m more exhausted than anything. I haven’t danced that much in years.” 

Her hand is reassuring in yours as she guides the two of you, her own unsteadiness on her feet making you laugh.  

“Yeah, exhausted from eye-fucking Jake all night,” she squeals.

“Jasmine!” you yell, your eyes wide as your stomach drops, hoping that none of the other members in your group heard her. You stop the two of you and yank her hand from yours, gritting your teeth as you scold her. “I was not eye-fucking Jake. And you know that.”

“Sure babe, keep telling yourself that,” she raises her eyebrows. “My vision might be blurry, but I’m not blind.”

It’s pretty widely known within your circle that you and Danny have something going on, that something being more of a situationship with no actual boundaries or titles or anything. The two of you usually ended up making out at the end of the night, a little touching and whatnot, but it has never gone further than that. Neither of you are in the market for anything serious, so you’ve taken to letting him be your go-to on those lonely late nights, sending him risqué photos of you in the mirror after a few glasses of wine. 

But Jake… Jake has been your good friend since college. The guy that was always there to accompany you to social events, pick you up from parties, and cram last minute for exams with you. He’d always been that guy you could call on for anything and everything, the one you felt completely comfortable with in any situation.

“Just admit it, dummy,” Jasmine belts as you near the crowded exit doors, her arm in yours. 

“There’s nothing to admit,” you whisper. “I mean…look at him, he looks completely fuckable tonight, so I took a few glances. Sue me.” You roll your eyes at her as you watch her gaze covertly float back to Jake, standing amongst the rest of your group. 

“God, you’re right. He’s been looking exceptionally delicious lately, hasn’t he?” she purrs. 

“Mmmhm…” you agree, making sure not to look at him. 

It’s true, though Jake has always been good looking, lately there has been something special about him, something magnified in his persona, something devious in his aura. He’s changed up his attire a little, now donning sleek suit jackets and silver jewelry on his wrists and neck, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t prefer the way he’s been slicking his hair back into a tight knot at his neck. Over the past few months he’s become a lot more sophisticated and sure of himself, a complete 180 from the silly guy you never thought twice about. 

Lately he has seemed so much more confident in himself, and it literally drips from him. He’s sexy in his own way, that’s for damn sure, but these past few months you’ve caught yourself looking at him for longer than a few seconds, staring at his hands as he did literally anything, and finding yourself swept up in the way his lips danced across his teeth. And if it weren’t for Danny occupying most of your thoughts lately, you may actually picture Jake in those dirty daydreams, instead of him. 

As conversation takes a pause you do sneak a glance at Jake, his elbow leaned against the bar with the other tucked away in his pocket. He’s eyeing you hard, and he doesn’t make any attempt to look away when you catch him. Fuck, he looks so goddamned good tonight. But why isn’t he looking away?

You feel your stomach muscles tense just from the way his hooded eyes are staring you down, confident and obvious as he chews on the tiny black straw that once stirred his whiskey rocks. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s fine… he’s so fine. Jake. Friend Jake. Friend Jake?

“What I wouldn’t give to experience a good old fashioned romp with him, though,” Jasmine says, breaking the stare-down you and Jake had caught yourselves in. 

“Huh?” you say. “Danny?”

“Yes bitch. His long arms, his big hands… mmh. You lucky, lucky dog, being his sneaky link,” Jasmine goes on. 

“Jas, we haven’t even slept together, yet,” you admit quietly. 

She looks at you in disbelief. “Are you serious?! Why?”

You shrug. “Just.. hasn’t happened yet, I guess.”

“It’s going to though, right?” she asks, and you know she just wants to live vicariously. 

You look back at her, knowing that yes, it most likely will, but you’re also not here for rushing it with him. Why? You’re not sure…

“Uber will be here in ten,” Danny announces as he comes up behind you, his hand resting on your lower back as he takes another bite of the melted ice still floating in the rum in his glass. He leans down, his voice icy and heavy in your ear. “Let’s go to the bathroom,” he slurs. “Just for a minute. Wanna see what you’ve got on underneath your…”

You smile and bring your tongue to your top lip, knowing that sexually, things have been brewing between the two of you for some time now. Though he’s never outwardly asked you if you wanted to hook up for real, you know that given the way things are going, it’s bound to happen at some point.  

“The bathroom?” you reiterate, turning your attention to him and wrapping your arms around his neck. God, he smells good. You crane up to whisper in his ear. “Why don’t you just get out of the Uber at my place?” 

Danny hisses through his teeth at your proposition, rolling his head back on his neck. Finally he looks back down at you, biting his lip. “You really want me to?”

You consider it for a second, knowing that he is pretty damn intoxicated, and if anything, you might get a shower and some other extracurriculars out of him before he inevitably passes out long-ways on your bed. “Yeah, why not? Or your place, whatever.” You figured you’d give him options. 

His hands are traveling covertly across your ass as he tries not to make a big scene of the PDA, and for a split second, you hope that Jake can see it. “We can go to my place, my roommate is out of town…?” he perks his eyebrows. 

“Even better,” you reply with a cheeky grin. 

“Perfect…” he growls, looking over you more intensely than he ever really has. 

“Hey, come with me, I gotta pee,” Jasmine says, pulling on your arm. 

“Hurry up, the Uber is almost here,” Danny says as the two of you walk toward the bathrooms, Danny’s hand holding onto yours until the very last second. 

The bathroom is packed and loud with people touching up their makeup and waiting in line for a free stall. “I’ll hurry,” Jasmine says, hopping into an open one.

You don’t have to go, so you sulk away in a corner, deciding to check your phone for the first time in an hour or so. Your eyes adjust to the bright screen and you flip through a few instagram notifications and emails, not really seeing anything too important. Until– a text. 

A text from… Jake?

Your thumb hovers over the notification for a few seconds before you slide it open, expecting to see a funny meme or dumb article he’s shared, like always. But instead what you see sends a rush of nerves through your body strong enough to steal the breath from your lungs. 

Jake

1:12am: Stay with me tonight.

You nearly drop your phone as you look away from it, your eyes suddenly fixated on the floor. You can hear your heart beating in your ears, and a cold sweat breaks out across your palms. What? This is a joke, he’s joking. 

That’s why he was watching you so intently, he wanted you to look at your phone…

“Hey, you okay? You gonna throw up?” you hear and feel Jasmine enter your bubble, all the sound suddenly returning to your ears. “Your face is turning green… come on… let’s get to the toilet–” 

“No, no I’m fine, I…” You’re speechless as you turn your phone screen around to her, showing her the text. Her eyes read the words, and then grow so big that you think they might pop right from her skull. 

“JAKE? Jake, our Jake? Texted you this??” she yells, grabbing the phone from your hand as she does a quick few paces. 

“Yeah.. what…?” You don’t even know what to say, or how to react. “He has to be joking, right?”

“Text him back! Answer him! Oh my god,” she rambles, handing you your phone back. 

“What do I say?!”

“I dunno, just– anything!” she squeals, quickly rinsing her hands off in the sink. 

You type up a few different responses before landing on one, nice and simple. 

You

1:14am: Did you mean to text me? Lol

A bubble pops up almost immediately, and you feel like you could quite literally explode. 

Jake

1:14am: I most definitely did. Stay with me.

“Fuck, Jasmine, oh my god, I am not cut out for this…” you start to panic, shaking your hands. 

“Yes you are, bitch! Get your shit together, ok? He saw you looking at him, he knows you want him, jump. On. That. Shit,” she grabs your shoulders and shakes them.

“Hello, Danny? You expect me to just forget about him?!” you argue. 

She clicks her tongue. “Is it really going anywhere with him, though? Jake just asked you to come home with him, he couldn’t be more forward than that. And you said you and Danny are just having fun, right? Messing around?” 

“He just asked me to come stay with him, too. Tonight,” you admit, leaning your back against the wall in defeat. “There is no way this is happening, I need another drink.”

“No, you need to figure out who the fuck you want,” she says, pulling you from the bathroom into the sitting area outside of it. “Danny is fine as fuck, you guys have been having fun together, right? Yeah yeah whatever… and Jake. Our goofball friend suddenly turned… Christian Grey level sexy? And he wants you?! You need to decide, and quick,” she says, turning to look toward the exit again. 

“You’re just saying that because you want Daniel all to yourself,” you joke, trying to take the heat off the situation. 

“No no no no, that’s not… ok well that’s not untrue,” Jasmine says, crossing her arms. “If the opportunity presented itself, I would not turn him down,” she laughs, sticking her tongue out. 

“Hey, Uber is here!” you hear Danny yell from across the bar, motioning with his arm to come on. 

You feel a nervousness you’ve never felt creeping into your bones. “Maybe I should just get another ride and forget the whole thing, say I’m not feeling well and go home,” you suggest. 

“That’s up to you, babe. You’re your own woman. I’ll go with you, if you want…” Jasmine says, laying her hand on your shoulder. 

You glance back over to the group and see Danny standing holding the door open, and Jake a few feet behind him, watching you all the same. What in the actual midday soap opera is happening right now…

Your feet carry you toward the door on their own when you see Danny’s rushing expression and Jake’s intense one… both of these men want the exact same thing tonight. Great.

You’re on autopilot as you watch everyone begin drunkenly piling into the backseat, stumbling and laughing. First Danny’s two friends, then Jasmine, then Danny, then Jake. You’re left standing outside when you realize there isn’t enough room. Yes…

“Oh, shit. I’ll just call another ride, it’s no big deal–”

“No come on, we’ll make room,” Jake mutters as he looks at you with a smirk. 

“No, seriously, it’s fine. I’ll grab the next one,” you say, but you’re stopped short when you see Jake’s hand being held out for you. He wiggles his fingers to tell you to come on, and his slow-blink tells you he means it.

“Babe, c’mon,” Danny says, leaning over Jake. 

You swallow hard, taking a quick breath before grabbing onto Jake’s hand, and stepping up into the packed vehicle. As soon as you close the door behind you, the car takes off, making you lose your balance and fall straight into Jake’s lap. 

Oh shit fuck.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” you panic, trying to stand back up and adjust into another seat. Jake’s hands are on your waist as you stumble around the extremely crowded car, and you hear him mumble a soft and sweet “s’okay”.

Even in the dark, you can see that there is most definitely not enough room to take a seat of your own. The driver is driving erratically, taking fast and sharp turns and having absolutely no regard for his passengers, and it’s taking everything in you to hold on to the back of his headrest and the handle above you to keep from falling into the floor. 

You start to panic as the man speeds down the streets and takes a particularly sharp turn, forcing you against your will right into Jake’s lap again. Fuuuuuuck. There’s nothing you can do about it. 

You finally give up and let your body weight fall onto him, his hands instinctively holding you steady so you don’t slide sideways again. Everyone is loud and laughing drunkenly, in their own worlds and conversations as the car travels down the road. 

“You’re alright, you can sit all the way down,” Jake laughs, patting his knee. For some reason, Jake suddenly feels like a stranger. A person you have never met before, not one of your very good friends. You feel anxious in his presence, and your mouth goes dry when you hear him mutter again, “It’s just me…”

Danny is caught up in his own thing, hardly paying either of you any mind at all as he’s belting the words to whatever old Nelly song is blasting through the car speakers. You take a deep breath, and relax all the way down onto Jake’s waiting lap. 

“I’m sorry,” you apologize to him, rolling your eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” he says lowly, still smiling. You feel yourself go straight as a board, nervous to make a move at all as you realize the position you’re in. His hands are still respectfully balanced on your waist, and your hands are still gripping hard on the handles. 

The drive is nearly ten minutes, and even with the way the man is navigating, the traffic still holds up progress, making the drive even longer. You begin to sweat thinking about how you’re going to survive this, what you’re going to do when the time comes to get out. You glance back over at Jasmine who is making the most outrageous face at you, clenching her teeth and smiling from ear to ear. 

“You alright? You seem tense,” Jake brings his mouth close to your ear so that you can hear him over the blasting music. 

Tense. Tense? Is he joking?! You’re worse than tense, you’re about to jump out of your fucking skin, actually! 

“Yeah, I’m–” Another quick whip of the vehicle and a harsh stop makes you lurch forward and fly back again, your shoulder pressing into Jake’s chest. The smell of his cologne takes your breath even more intensely than the whiplash does, and his hand reaches up quickly to catch you from moving any further. “Fuck, dude! Drive often?!” you say, making everyone in the car laugh, but the driver pays you no mind. 

“He’s not getting a tip, is he?” Jake laughs sarcastically. You feel the tips of his fingers tap your thigh, signalling you to sit up a little. 

“Stand up a sec,” he orders and you do, and he lurches his groin forward, pressing himself into you. You have no idea what he’s doing as you feel his upper thighs press into your ass, and you know that your eyes have grown ten times their size. His left hand is still gripping your waist, almost holding onto you for leverage. Fuck, what is this… What is he doing? And why is it so hot?

Just as quickly as it happened it ended, and you catch sight of his right hand exiting his side. “Sorry, had to get in my pocket,” he says. “Here, one for you, one for me.” He plops back down into his seat, and you have to admit, the loss of the feeling of him damn near pressing his dick into you makes you shudder a bit. It felt…

He holds his hand out and presents you with two airplane bottles of some type of clear liquor. Once you see what he needed to get in his pocket for, you look back at him, his facial expression painted a mix of red and green as you pass underneath the crowded streets and stop lights. He raises his eyebrows, and urges you to take one. 

“Here,” he says, “thought it could help with your tenseness.”

You swallow as your eyes fall to his hand, and you realize that he isn’t wrong. Yeah, you definitely need another drink for what has turned into a shitshow of a night. “Thanks,” you offer, taking one of the bottles from his hand. 

You quickly open the lid and smell the contents, recognizing it right off the bat as tequila. Perfect. Jake does the same, but before he presses it to his lips, he presses the edge of his bottle to yours. 

“Cheers, Y/N. To a night of revelry.” His eyes are boring into yours as his tongue licks across his lips, and a tiny smirk comes across his face. 

“To revelry…” you repeat, and Jake is wrapping his arm with yours, tilting his bottle back to drain its contents. You prepare yourself for the sting of the liquor and take the shot, needing it now more than ever to numb your racing and confused thoughts. 

Your arms uncross and you replace the lids on the bottles after you’ve both swallowed it all down, and you’re thankful that Jake had paid special attention to what you needed in the moment, while Danny still sits completely unknowing directly beside you. 

Jake rips the empty bottle from your hand and sticks the two of them in the front pocket of his jacket, his hands going right back to supporting you still in your awkward position on his lap. You hate to admit it, but the alcohol has almost instantly calmed you a little, while it simultaneously is making you feel just a touch more daring. Jake looks like a fucking model tonight, and you’re relaxing comfortably on his lap. After he asked you to come home with him. What more could you even ask for?

In an act of courage, you decide to wrap your arm around his neck, balancing your elbow on the back of his seat. It brings you significantly closer into his realm, and you hear him take in a sharp breath at your new proximity. “Sorry, couldn’t sit like that any longer,” you say, your chin nearly resting on his shoulder. 

“No worries, love,” he replies, readjusting his hand on your waist to fall a little lower than it was. Your heart is beating from your chest, and you swear you can feel the blood pumping through your veins. Why? It’s just Jake… just your friend. You’ve hugged him a million times before. Why does it suddenly feel so… different?

And all of a sudden, the car jerks you sideways again, redirecting your ass to sit directly on top of… him. Perfectly. Fuck. If there weren’t clothes to block the connection, the two of you would find yourselves in the most perfect position for some insane obscenity, right now. And you feel a surge of desire flood you, while simultaneously feeling Jake jerk in his pants below you. God damn, he feels fucking…

He takes a deep breath and exhales it through his mouth, his air blowing across your hair and lips a little bit as he reacts to the new position. He’s just as flustered as you are. For a split second, his hand wrapped around your waist tightens, squeezing at your side before he lets it drift down just a little to your thigh. Fuckkkkk. Your eyes nearly roll back as you feel his dick jerk between your legs again, in the most perfect position. You’re thankful for the darkness of the lower half of the car, concealing everything that has happened in the past few seconds in shrouded shadow. 

Danny still sits oblivious, deep in pointless conversation with his friend beside him. He could give a damn less, and you’re almost positive he doesn’t even remember that the two of you have made plans, tonight. 

Meanwhile, Jake’s breath is picking up as you see the slight rise and fall of his chest behind his partially unbuttoned shirt, also a new staple in his changing wardrobe that had you going fucking nuts the first time you saw him in it. Your face is still close to him as you continue leaning sideways on his seat, and you realize just how close your lips are to his ear. He’s trying his best to seem nonchalant, but still is being very intentional with the movements of his hand, still concealed in the darkness. 

It slowly travels up your leg to your upper thigh, gentle but forceful all at the same time. Your head starts to spin, he’s touching you. He’s touching you like that. You blow out a huff of air into his ear, making his jaw clench. His hand squeezes at your muscle, his fingers dangerously close to being up underneath the hem of your tight dress. 

He turns his head to face you, almost within inches. “That dress looks really good on you tonight,” he mutters, his eyes flicking from the windshield back to you. You can feel the heat from his breath on your lips, complimenting you in the sweetest most flirtatious tone. 

“You think so?” you ask, your breath hitching as you feel him hardening below you. 

“Mmmhm,” he growls, your faces within centimeters, now. “It really accentuates your body. Shows you off…” His eyes drift to your tits for just a second too long, as his tongue juts out and licks his lips. “But I think my favorite part is this… right here…” His hand that is squeezing between your legs moves to curl a finger up underneath the tight hem that is stretched across your thighs, way too high now that you haven’t yet been in a position to pull it back down. His finger runs along the seam around the side of your leg to the back, and his hand wastes no time in completely gripping your ass.

…You might fall the fuck apart. 

You squeak out a sound that you can’t control as his hand squeezes and kneads at your partially-covered ass cheek, and his motions make your body react completely on its own. You sit down harder on his dick, grinding your hips onto him for just enough time to get a little friction where you need it. You should be embarrassed, but you’re not. Thanks, tequila.

“Your– your favorite part, huh?” you manage, your lips drifting across the baby hairs sticking free from his ponytail. He still stares directly out the windshield, like nothing is happening at all. 

“That’s right,” he says, his fingers beginning to get a little more adventurous as you feel them nearing your heat, from behind. He’s squeezing the muscle even more tightly now that you haven’t stopped him. You’re completely flushed… dizzy and wanting as he’s sitting cool as ever below you. It sort of pisses you off, how you know for a fact that your body language is anything but relaxed, while his hand is buried between your legs. He displays hardly any outward look, at all. The perfect facade. 

Just to get a rise out of him, you sit down on him with a little more force, swirling your hips as you grind in your search for friction. The action takes him by surprise as he grunts out a breath that sounds a bit desperate, exactly what you wanted from him. 

He tries to cover it up with a cough. 

“Jake man, you alright?” Danny turns from his other conversation to ask. Danny’s eyes flick to the two of you in this position and you quickly clean it up, leaning up a little and acting as though Jake’s fingers aren’t dancing around your opening. 

“Yeah man, all good,” Jake replies through a strained breath. 

"Take a breath, dude," Danny says as he smacks Jake's knee.

The way everyone is crammed in the seats has Danny’s back to you, anyway, so he has to strain to turn around backward and look for you. You’re not sure if it’s a gift from the heavens that he can’t see you very well, or an opportunity for the ages that Jake saw, and took full advantage of. Just then, Danny’s hand reaches back behind him, gripping onto your knee that’s closest to him. His hand starts to travel a little, all the while Jake’s fingers still exactly where he left them. 

Oh fucking hell… no.

Danny’s hand moves again, down the length of your shin and back up again, rough and hot as he feels you up in the darkness. He never turns his head around, but his hand continues to sneak higher and higher, so much to the point that his fingers are dusting the inside of your opposite thigh. It’s then that you’re positive he’s completely unaware of what you and Jake are doing just inches away from his hand. 

Danny firmly grips the muscle of your leg, switching between squeezing onto it and lightly trailing his fingertips over your already goosebump-covered skin. You wish you could see Jasmine, you wish you could telepathically tell her what is happening, that both of their hands are secretly on you, fighting for all of your attention. And neither of them have any idea the other is there, and neither have any intention of stopping. 

You try to breathe and calm yourself, trying to ignore the fact that both men have their hands on you in their own stealthy and secret ways. It's jarring, but it also mind-fucks you a little, your thoughts streaming with filthy and unadulterated thoughts of... No. Don't even go there, Y/N. Absolutely not...

“I meant what I said tonight, in the text,” Jake’s graveled voice is suddenly brushing against your ear. His fingers are still slowly working you into an oblivion, down a long road you’re not sure you’ll ever return from. You feel him press a little harder, inching closer and closer to your thong- the only barrier between his hands and you. You sit down on him even harder, the mixture of his fingers teasing you so deliciously and Danny’s hand massaging you… it’s a cocktail that you can’t deny, a mixture of deathly decisions and filthy visuals that you can’t help but become victim to. And you’re fucking loving it. 

“Did you?” you manage, your mouth still close to his ear. You're nearly intoxicated by the smell of his cologne.

“I did… and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the way your body is reacting right now, you just might tell me you will,” he goes on, making your head spin again. “Am I right?”

Your eyes flutter closed as you swallow again, arguing with what’s right and wrong as Danny’s hand reminds you that technically, he had you first. You told him you’d stay with him, tonight is supposed to be the night…

Jake’s fingers move a little closer, pulling your thong to the side as he slowly creeps even deeper, his movements so calculated and drawn out that you have to bite down on your own tongue to keep from crying out. Both of their hands are driving you to insanity, and you can’t even say a damned word without revealing what the other one is doing. 

You’re in a delicious purgatory, and you’d sit in this car for all of eternity if it meant you could keep feeling like this. 

The way that you're currently the keeper of both of their secrets, letting them do what they want to you, in complete confidence. Every few seconds you're reminded that the other one is there, when one of their hands would steal all of your attention away from the other. Your mind is being pulled in two directions, your consciousness traveling from left to right as they both unknowingly battle for your attention.

Just then Jake’s fingers find your clit, pressing harshly into it with tiny circles as you realize now that you’re fighting for your life. Your forehead leans onto his temple, all the breath escaping your lungs as he starts to build you up. “Oh my god,” you whisper in his ear through grit teeth. Your voice is desperate and pitiful as you fight swirling your hips on his hand, pleading with yourself to ignore the way he feels, and the way Danny’s hand is relentlessly kneading into your other leg. 

“That feel good, baby?” Jake whispers below the roar of the music still filling the car. “That what you wanted me to do?”

You nod quickly, knowing that your decisions tonight will be ones that you try and forget about tomorrow, but the situation is too damn delicious to ignore, right now. “Yeah,” you whisper, nipping your teeth onto his ear. You feel his hips buck up, his dick hard as a rock beneath you. 

“Tell me about it, tell me how it feels…” he whispers to you again, his fingers still working you to a point of no return. 

Danny’s hand is still stretched as far as it can in the position he’s in, and you can tell that the way he is moving, his mind is coming back to him, and he’s preparing you for what is going to happen when the two of you get out of the car. 

“Feels so fucking good…” you murmur, little whines falling from your lips as he lets his thumb tease at your entrance. “Don’t want you to stop, but…”

“But what, baby?”

You swallow, opening your eyes a bit as his thumb still teases. “I–You know I’m… going home with Danny…” The words feel like poison in your mouth, and you hate to admit it, even though it’s the complete truth. 

But Jake knows your situation with Danny. He’s not unaware of any of it, at all. 

“Hm,” Jake grumbles. “Is that still a thing?”

“Kind of, yeah… I mean…” you breathe, and Jake hasn’t slowed down his movements, at all. Each pointed touch of his finger on your clit is driving you to madness, and you’re surprised at your ability to even keep a little bit of a level head in your conversation. 

“Interesting. Every time I looked at you tonight, your eyes were already on me, watching me like a hawk. I could have sworn those were fuck-me eyes, Y/N…” 

He presses his thumb inside you a little, making you gasp a loud breath. The way your name sounded coming from his perfectly pouted lips… It sounds so different than it normally does. So much more strained, so desperate. He pulls his thumb back out, concentrating again on your clit. 

“Who even are you, Jake? You’re like an entirely different person, all the sudden,” you admit through quiet choked breaths. You don’t know where that question came from, though you’ve been so curious about it for the past few weeks.

You catch his eyes darting around as he searches for an answer. He shrugs his shoulders. “Just have come into my own lately, grew up a bit. I dunno… why, is it a bad thing?” 

“No! No, it’s… you’re the same you, just…” 

“Now I have the confidence to do what I’ve always wanted to do to you, in the back of a car, secretly…” he mutters, clicking his tongue a little as he adds a little pressure to your clit. You can tell you’re absolutely soaking his hand, but you feel no shame in it. You hope to god Danny can’t feel your legs shaking and vibrating with pleasure… either that, or you hope that he thinks he’s the one causing it. 

“You have? Why didn’t you ever…” you ask him, wondering why he’d never made an advance before. Or, had you been just too blind to see it?

Jake takes a breath. “I dunno, just never thought you’d be into me like that.”

“First stop!” the driver calls out, putting the car in a harsh park. You lurch forward and back again, your mind coming back to you a little bit. 

Jake and Danny both quickly remove their hands from you as the cab lights in the car come on, and Danny’s two friends jump out. The loss of their touch is devastating, and you wonder what in the actual fuck you’re going to do when you eventually make it to Danny’s place. You take a second to glance back at Jasmine in the backseat, and immediately she can tell that something is going on. 

You have only a second to communicate wordlessly to her before the doors are closing, and the car is taking off again. Now, the freed up space allows for you to have your own seat. 

“Here babe, you can scoot over here, now,” Danny says, patting the seat between him and Jake. “Your legs fall asleep, Jake? Damn, we were really smashed in here.”

“You could say that…” Jake grumbles, taking one last opportunity to squeeze your ass as you climb off of him, the disconnect instantly making you fill with a frustrated rage. 

You cross your arms as you find yourself sat between them now, pissed off and left feeling more edged than anything. Danny’s arm wraps around your shoulders and pulls you toward him. “Can’t wait to get that dress off you… I’m over here going fucking crazy…” he says into your ear. 

You can’t help the expression that falls across your face. Fuck… if he only knew the situation you’re currently in… he’s going crazy?! He hardly paid you any mind at all for the past ten minutes you’ve been in here… his hand was the only contact he made, and you know his touching you was solely out of drunken opportunity. 

Jake, on the other hand… quite literally…

You don’t give him a straight answer as the car pulls down Danny’s street, and your mind begins to race with crazed thoughts. Your stomach churns with nerves, and you almost wish you hadn’t taken that last shot of tequila. You feel like you’re being pulled two ways- wanting to go home with Danny after dancing around the act for weeks now, and leaving yourself to stay with Jake to finish what the two of you have started. 

You know it’s wrong to even consider Jake, but something about him lately, and tonight, has made him like a forbidden fruit that you can’t help but crave. And after learning that apparently he’s wanted you all along…

The car begins to slow down in front of Danny’s building, and the nerves are so bad you feel like you could throw up. Danny slings the door open and steps out, turning to take your hand. 

The invisible string… one end of you tied to Danny and the agreement you’d already made, and one end tied to the man beside you, his aura magnetizing you to stay with him… don’t get out of the car…

Your hand moves on its own, clasping itself around Danny’s as your body pulls itself from the vehicle, slow and blurry as your foot hits the concrete. Danny offers you a sweet, buzzed smile as he helps you to get your footing on the sidewalk. “You ready, gorgeous?” he asks, and your head nods, really unknowing if you are ready, or not. 

Danny closes the door behind you and you turn to look at Jake, his jaw clenched tightly with his hand in front of it, his eyes glaring and low as the car pulls off to the next stop. 

Well, fuck.

Danny pulls you through the front doors of his building and up the stairs to his apartment door. Your mind is still racing and your legs are still like jello from the performance that Jake had given you just minutes ago. You can tell that Danny is still feeling his liquor, stumbling just a little as he meanders through his dark apartment with you in tow. You had only been here once before, so you know your way around just a little bit. It’s a studio apartment, so you plop down on his bed, pulling your arms into yourself as he turns the kitchen light on. 

“Gonna grab a water, you wann’one?” he stammers, his eyes hardly focused. 

“Yeah, please,” you say, pulling your phone from your purse to see a string of notifications from Jasmine. 

Jas

1:31am: BITCH WHAT THE FCUK WERE YOU TWO DOOIGN UP THERE

1:31am: i saw you whispering to him

1:31am: what did he say what did you say

1:34am: ANSER MEEEE

1:34am: he was so sad looking when u went with danny i cant believe uuuu. Anyway have fun i guess

“Here ya go,” Danny says as he hands you a cold water bottle. He’s already chugged half of his, and he lies down beside you, pressing the cold bottle to his forehead. 

“Thanks,” you say, taking a few sips off the top. “You have too much?”

He sits up, tossing the bottle to the side before wrapping his arm around you and pressing you down into the bed. “No no, I’m good. Just kinda… well, maybe a lil’. But I still want to uphold our plans, yeah?” His face is buried in your hair, and you can feel his mouth starting to lay wet kisses up and down your neck. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, the feeling of his mouth on you overtaking your mind already. Danny has always felt exceptionally good, able to turn you on within seconds. His hand is traveling over your body, over your stomach and legs and thighs as he delves into the sensitive skin of your neck, on the verge of leaving marks, if he wasn’t careful. Your eyes roll back as he moans in your ear, pressing himself up against you. 

“Now, about this dress..” he says, pulling your straps down. You help him free your arms as your tits pop free, your nipples already perking up just from the contact he’d made. “Fuckin’ beautiful…” he says, leaning up on his elbow to reach down and hitch your leg over his waist. He takes your nipple into his mouth and begins swirling his tongue around it while his hand massages and kneads the other. 

Your body begins shuddering from the feeling of it all, and the presence of his hardening dick pressing between your legs doesn’t help matters. Finally he connects his lips to yours, hot and messy as the kiss is deepened second by second. His hands are cupping your tits, and you can’t help but grind into him. Fuck… yeah, he feels good, but, is this going to go as planned? No matter how hard you tried, you can’t get the visual of Jake’s face as the car door shut from hanging in the back of your mind. 

You switch gears to try and flush the thought of Jake from your mind, pulling Danny to his back and straddling his waist. You immediately lean down and pull at the hem of his shirt, ripping it over his head. God, his physique is un-fucking-real… You can’t help but to want to kiss it, to lick every inch of him. Your mind is completely reeling with a wild hormonal draw to him, while thinking about Jake’s hand between your legs, while you’re undoing Danny’s belt, thinking about how Jake’s breath felt on your lips. 

For the love of god, get it together, Y/N. 

“So sexy, baby…” Danny stutters as you begin making your way down his body, nipping at his pecs and sides as you descend down him, your body pulling you there on its own. His hand is tangled up in your hair as you begin teasing at his dick through his boxers, breathing hot air and humming your lips against him. You can feel your mouth starting to water just thinking about how he is going to taste on your tongue. This wasn’t the first time you’d done this for Danny, of course, but the foreplay has to start somewhere, right?

Danny bucks his hips into your mouth as your tongue glides over the tip, the indirect touch driving him absolutely wild. “Need your mouth, baby.. Need it– ahhh… so bad…”

His words urge you on to get your head on straight, pulling down at his boxers to expose him. His dick springs free and you immediately connect your lips to it, flicking the tip of your tongue. You feel the saliva begin to pool in your mouth as his stomach tightens in. “Fuck, yes, baby…” he says, his hand tightening in your hair again. You open your throat as best you can, taking him all the way down in one go. The sounds that leave him make you feel a fierce desire for him again as you begin bobbing up and down, using your hand for help. 

Your tongue swirls and flattens as you watch his free hand grip onto the sheets. You sit up and pull his boxers and jeans all the way off, giving yourself a little more space to work. You dig your nails into the skin between his thighs, making him hiss an inhale. “Too much?” you ask.

“No, perfect… Keep going…” he breathes, sitting up for just a second to watch you. You work at him for what feels like ten minutes or so, just watching him get to the edge before he falls right back off again. You try different techniques and tricks, but you realize fairly quickly that your jaw is beginning to tighten and feel sore. You bring your hand to the base of his dick again, pumping it along with your mouth. “Fuck, fuck… baby…” he grunts again, and you can taste the precum finally dripping into your mouth. 

“Taste so good, Danny…” you breathe when you find a free second. You’re trying to get him there, pulling out all the shots you can think of to get him to tip over the edge. His hand tightens in your hair again, and you feel yourself feeling touch-starved, especially since you were so worked up earlier. You slip your hand between your legs and move your thong to the side, quickly finding the place that Jake’s fingers had just inhabited not long ago. 

Jake… 

His fingers… they were just… there. 

Maybe if you picture it’s him touching you again instead of yourself…

You close your eyes and envision it, letting yourself moan a little hum onto the tip of Danny’s cock. 

“Oh fuck, do that again,” he cries, his head falling back onto the headboard. You do as he asks, all the while still picturing the feeling of Jake’s hand bringing you right back to the brink. Fuck, this feels so wrong. And so, so fucking right. 

Suddenly Danny’s hand leaves your hair and grips onto the sheets again, the veins in his hands popping out as you watch him claw his way to the peak, his stomach caving in over and over as you work him harder. 

“Mhmm…” you hum onto him again, realizing that is what he needed to get over his awful case of whiskey dick. You finally manage to get him there, watching as his face falls into a clenched expression as he fills up your mouth completely. You swallow it down and do your best to clean him up while he catches his breath on the come-down. 

“Jesus you are so fucking hot,” he says once you’re all done. He hooks his arm up underneath your arm pit, pulling you to lay beside him. “That was… excellent.” 

“Thank you,” you giggle, your clit still pouding with stimulation. The two of you lay there for a few minutes as he enjoys his euphoria. 

“Gimmie just a minute, I’ll pay you back, baby,” he says softly as his eyes begin to close. 

You nod as you glance up to him, your body on fire with want and need for reciprocation so intense that you can hardly stand it. His eyes are all the way closed and he’s completely relaxed back, and it’s then that you realize exactly what you had suspected would happen- he’s going to fully pass out on you. 

‘Fucking kidding me,’ you think to yourself. ‘Is he serious?’

You should have known better, given how hard it was to get him to cum from a fifteen-minute long blowjob. A good one, at that. 

Two minutes later, he’s snoring. Goddamnit. 

And suddenly, you’re pissed. Pissed at it all. You know its just the rage from not getting anything out of this fucking deal tonight, and feeling rejected and forgotten after Danny got his. You have half a mind to sneak into his bathroom and finish things off yourself, but just as you’re about to grind your knuckles into Danny’s chest to wake him up, he rolls over, tucking his hands up underneath his pillow as his breathing completely evens out. Yeah, he’s out for good. Your heartbeat is flying off the handle from the bitterness you feel mixed in with how fucking turned on you are. 

Fuck this night. 

You gently lean down and pick up your phone that is still sitting on the bottom of the bed, the bright light hurting your eyes as the screen comes to life. You decide to answer Jasmine’s texts, even though you know she is probably already asleep. 

You

2:13am: 🍆❌🥃👎😴

Your finger flips back over to the text from Jake, and you shudder at how harshly you left him on read… through text and in the car. You feel absolutely terrible. In all honesty, you should have stayed back with him tonight. Things could have ended up so differently. You halfway curse yourself for being such a brat about it all, because really, Danny didn’t do anything wrong at all. Upsetting, but not wrong. He did have a bit too much to drink.

In an act of pure courage (and horrific lingering arousal), you text Jake back. 

You

2:14am: If I would have stayed with you, would you have fallen asleep on me?

You set your phone on your chest, halfway regretting sending the text, at all. You cover your eyes with your hand, fiercely tapping your other hand on your stomach as regret fills your mind. 

Then suddenly, it buzzes. 

You peek one eye open, expecting to see a reply from Jasmine. But– of course…

Jake

2:16am: He didn’t…

You

2:16am: 🙂

Jake

2:17am: Fuckin idiot.

2:17am: No, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep on you. I think we both know that. 

You

2:18am: Why are you still awake?

Jake sends back a photo of his feet propped up on his ottoman in front of a fireplace, holding a glass up in front of it. 

You

2:19am: Nightcap?

Jake

2:19am: No, it’s carbonated water. Couldn’t force down another drink if I wanted to

Danny startles you with a loud snore as he adjusts himself, getting comfortable again in his bed. And for some reason, it pisses you off all over again. 

You

2:20am: What if I was there, would you have a drink with me?

Jake

2:20am: I would do anything you want, if you were here

2:21am: I got you all worked up for nothing, huh

You

2:21am: Understatement of the year.

Ya know what? Fuck it. 

2:21am: But, not for nothing…

You slowly stand from the bed, rushing across Danny’s living area to slip quietly into his bathroom. Before you close the door behind you, you check to make sure he’s still asleep. When you’ve made sure the coast is clear, you lock the door behind you. 

Alone and still frustrated with sexual tension, you turn on the dimmer switch on the wall, pulling it all the way down to as dark as it will go. You stand in front of his full-length mirror and pull one of your straps down to expose one of your tits. You fluff your hair and find the perfect position to stand, covertly covering up your nipple as you hike the tight bottom of your dress up a little higher. 

You open your camera and adjust the lighting and snap a few photos, finding them all to be unreasonably sexy, if you do say so yourself. You finally choose the best one and attach it in a text to Jake, holding your breath as you hit send. 

You

2:23am: Still very much worked up 

You watch as the messages deliver, and Jake’s text bubble pop up and disappear four or five times as he is likely trying to decide what to respond with. You’re feeling a little more confident now, knowing that you’ve most likely left him a little speechless. It's an entire minute before he finally responds. 

Jake

2:24am: Fuck

You snicker at his response before going ahead and typing up another. 

You

2:24am: Think I made the wrong decision tonight

Jake

2:25am: Was waiting for you to admit that to yourself 😏

You sit down on Danny’s toilet, suddenly feeling very cold in the skimpy dress. You take a deep breath and rest your chin in your hand as you try and decide what to do next. You can steal one of Danny’s t-shirts, climb under the covers next to him and call it a night, or you could convince Jake that you’d rather be with him, and see what happens. 

You feel your phone buzz in your lap. 

Jake

2:27am: What if I promised to finish what I started

You

2:27am: If that entails anything like what you did to me in the car, I’ll take you up on that promise

Jake

2:28am: It has everything to do with what I did to you in the car

2:28am: And don’t act so innocent, I felt you trying to tease me, too

You

2:29am: Jake, it was obvious I wasn’t the only one worked up

2:29am: I never claimed to be innocent… 😇

Jake:

2:30am: God you’re a piece of work

You

2:30am: Come get me. 

Jake

2:31am: Be there in 5. 

Fuck fuck… this is really happening. Shit, you have made some horrible decisions tonight. But there is time for repentance later. Tonight, you’re going to pretend like nothing in the world matters. 

You take a quick second to freshen up and dab some of Danny’s toothpaste on your finger, at least making yourself seem like you’ve not taken part in too many bad decisions, tonight. When you’re done, you creak the bathroom door open again and find Danny still snuggled up and passed all the way out. You quickly send him a text that you found a ride home, not wanting him to wake up and freak out too badly. You’re pissed at him, but honestly, not too mad. It ended up in your favor, to be honest. You place your bottle of water on the table beside him and plug his phone in before making your way to sit on his couch, waiting for your incoming text from Jake. 

+++

“Here, brought you these,” Jake says as he hands you a pile of clothing after you’ve placed your seatbelt across your chest. “Thought you’d probably be cold.”

You unfold it all to find a pair of his sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, and a pair of old socks. “Jake, this is so sweet, you didn’t have to.” You feel your chest warm at his gesture. 

“You look fine as fuck in that dress, but I know you’ve gotta be uncomfortable,” he laughs, one hand balancing on the steering wheel as he backs out of Danny’s lot. 

You place the clothes on your lap, biting your lip in. “How about I leave the dress on for just a little while longer?” 

You hear him exhale a laugh through his nose. “You really are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

“No,” you reply shortly. “You can’t finish what you started if you aren’t alive.”

His eyes drift over to you in the passenger seat as his fingers rub over his mustache. Still so horrifically sexy. Good god. 

“You really wanna do this, Y/N? I really just wanted to save you from staying somewhere you didn’t want to be tonight… we don’t have–”

“I want to Jake, I do,” you reply strictly. Your hand shoots over and lands on his leg, and you feel no shame in teasing him in the exact same ways that he was teasing you, earlier. Your hand moves up and cups right overtop of his bulge, and you hear him hiss as his hips jut forward in the seat. You begin lightly massaging it. “Unless you don’t want to…”

“Nonono I do, I do,” he says, shaking his head through a laugh at you as he continues down the street. “Can’t believe Danny did that to you tonight. Fucking figures.”

Your hand stops its motion. “What do you mean, figures?”

Jake inhales a sharp breath. “I told him he had to make a decision, you or that other girl. It wasn’t fair him leading you on like he was… guess he proved that to you all by himself.”

Your blood rushes to your head. What?

“Wait, what?! What other girl?” you sit up in your seat and face Jake, now entirely interested in something else. 

He stumbles over his words, focusing on the road in front of him. “You didn’t– I thought you guys were kind of, open… right?”

You’re suddenly exasperated. “I mean, yeah I guess… we didn’t have a title or anything but like… we… I thought we were something… I thought he’d at least stay awake long enough to–”

Jake is silent for a second as he lets you process your thoughts. 

“He was texting her all night, Y/N.”

Your jaw falls slack. “What? He was?”

Jake nods, flicking his turn signal. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, it’s not my business.”

“No, it most definitely is your business. You’re my friend, right? Longer than Danny has been my friend. It’s your business, I’m your business…”

His eyes dart to you again and give you a look that makes your heart skip a beat. He’s being protective over you. 

“He’s been texting her a while, hooking up and whatnot. I don’t know anything further than that, or even who she is. But it pissed me off to see him hiding his phone so much, tonight. He was supposed to be there with you. I knew that he was trying to not let anyone see, but I saw it. A couple of times. I–I honestly thought that was why you were eyeing me so hard from the dance floor, I thought you might uh, have noticed him being weird and might be wanting to make him jealous or something. I dunno.” 

You shake your head and laugh disbelievingly. “Wow…” you mutter, suddenly not regretting your decision to come here with Jake, at all. Fuck Danny for that. He should have at least told you. You weren’t exclusive, but you also didn’t have anyone else on your radar. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that… I probably ruined your night,” Jake says as he pulls into a parking spot in front of his house.

“No. Actually, no, I’m glad you did. Something had felt kind of… off with him lately. I’m glad to know my gut wasn’t wrong,” you reply. 

Jake turns the car off and you just stare at one another, waiting for the other one to talk. “I can take you home instead, if you’d like,” he offers, his true colors coming through even through his brand new facade. Actually, maybe it isn’t a facade at all. Maybe this is who he has truly always been.  

“No. I want to be here, with you,” you reply honestly.

“Not for revenge?”

“No, fuck no. I should have told you I’d come home with you when you sent me that text. I know that now. I wanted to… I just… didn’t want to be rude and bail on him.”

“Maybe you are a sweetheart,” Jake pokes as he opens his car door, signaling for you to follow him. You both make your way out to his walkway and start heading up to his front door. 

“I am a sweetheart! What do you mean?!” you laugh, slapping him in the arm. 

“Ow, fuck,” Jake says, grabbing his arm as he turns to you in faux pain. 

“That didn’t hurt,” you laugh, stepping up onto his doorstep. 

“Yeah, you’re right. It didn’t hurt as bad as you leaving me in the dust tonight. Broke my fuckin’ heart,” Jake pouts. And for some reason, his words shoot right through your heart.

“Jake, I am so sorry,” you cry, turning to him. “Really.”

He laughs and turns to you, pulling a few stray hairs from in front of your face. “I’m kidding. I was sad, though.” He steps closer to you, enveloping your senses as he closes the proximity between you. “I’ve watched you walk away from me too many times over the years.”

Another shot through the heart. You’re one step away from feeling like total shit. “I didn’t even know you… cared, Jake. About me, like that.”

He shrugs his shoulder as he continues fixing your hair. “Ah, s’alright. You’re here now…”

You take a step closer to him, feeling a warmth travel over you that you don’t dare force away. Your lips are within inches of his, and your hand slowly comes up to grab behind his neck, playing with his hair that’s still pulled back into a low knot. His breath hitches but he doesn’t pull away, instead he brushes his nose against yours, making you break out in a chill that overtakes your entire being. 

“Yeah, I’m here now.” You close the gap and press your lips to his, kissing him gently at first, just to test out his waters. You feel him holding his breath just a little as he pulls away, giving you a smile so genuine you feel as if you could melt into a puddle, right there on his doorstep. He places his hands on your hips, reconnecting the kiss in a more heated way now. His hands are gripping at your sides, and your hands are grabbing onto his jaw, kissing him fiercely as if doing so is the only right thing in the world. 

You think you’re floating. No, you’re positive you are. The way he feels with his hands on you, the way your whole body is tingling and rushing with emotions… Kissing your friend never turns out well, but then again, he was fingering you in an Uber only an hour ago…

Just as quickly as things had started, they end, as Jake pulls himself away from you in a rush of excitement and nerves. “Let’s go inside.” 

He pushes the door open and you step inside, feeling some strange sense of deja vu as you enter another man’s house this evening. You step out of your half-strapped heels, kicking them to the corner as you toss your purse onto his couch. Instantly, you feel his arms wrapped around your back, holding on to you with a sincerity that you’ve always felt with him, just never physically. His mouth is behind your ear, and his waist is already pressing into your ass. 

“I know you want to leave the dress on, but I don’t think you’ll want it getting wet,” he growls into your ear. 

“Wet?” you ask, your eyes fluttering closed from his use of the word wet. Why? Guess that’s just where your mind is going to live, tonight. 

“Yeah. We’re taking a shower,” he replies, breaking away from holding you. But before he lets go, he grabs your hand and spins you around, making you follow him up the stairs. 

A shower… holy shit…?!

Your brain short circuits as you realize that within the next minute, you’re going to completely expose yourself to Jake, your very good… friend. It’s okay. It’s okay!

The top floor of his home is carpeted, and the softness of it feels like heaven on your sore and tired feet. He pulls you behind him still, one of your hands locked with his, the other still lugging the clothes he’s supplied you with. He turns a left corner and introduces you to a large room, much larger than any bathroom you’d seen in the houses in town. 

He turns on a light and illuminates a rather clean place for a man, a giant bathtub, and a shower that is bigger than your walk-in closet. 

“Wow…” you exclaim, in awe of it all. 

“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t turn this down,” Jake laughs. “Right?”

“Most definitely not.” You feel a cold chill rush over you at just the thought of hot water pouring over your skin, and you have to rub your hands over your arms for friction and warmth. 

You look to Jake who is leaning with his back on the counter, eyeing you so sweetly you could almost die. He cocks his head sideways with a tiny smile, and you cursed yourself for never really giving him the time of day in any regard other than just friendly interactions. Why had it never hit you before?

There’s a long pause as the two of you watch each other, and the tension between you is so thick it’s almost palpable. He kicks his shoes off and pulls his shirt over his head, never taking his eyes from you. You haven’t seen him shirtless in a long time, and for some reason the visual of his unclothed body literally makes you salivate. You have no shame in raking your eyes over him as he cocks an eyebrow, moving over to turn the shower on. Water begins to stream from two copper showerheads, and steam begins to fill the space immediately. 

You pull the straps of your dress down, slowly inching the tight dress over your breasts, stomach, and hips… really making a show of removing what little clothing you have left on. Jake is eyeing you still as he roughly grabs his belt, ripping it from its buckle and pulling it from the loops. For the love of god, you could watch him do that over and over again…

He kicks his pants off as you finally slip free of your dress, reaching down to pick it up and hang it over the doorknob. You’re left in just your thong, feeling exposed as Jake stands before you in his dark gray boxers. He slowly walks to you, placing his warm hands on your waist as he kisses you again, slow and deep and sultry as you let his tongue explore just a little further than it had earlier. 

He begins backing you up to the shower, the steam now coating the mirrors and window of the room. “I’m really fucking hungry for you, Y/N, in case you haven’t noticed…” Jake says as he takes your hand, placing it directly on his dick. Fuck, you’re in for it. 

You take the liberty, and gently squeeze at it. “I’ve noticed.” 

His mouth reconnects with yours again, the action of hungry really coming in to play as his fingers are slipping into the hips of your thong, running around the hem to the front. “Take it off,” you order him, swirling your hips a little as he begins to pull the fabric from your waist. 

“Yes ma’am,” he grits. You do the same for him after you kick free of the last shred of fabric on your body, pulling his boxers down and off, all the way. 

Through the steam, you can finally see him and he can finally see you, completely naked and baring yourselves to one another in the most enticing way possible. And god, is he a sight to see. 

His hand comes up to cover his mouth in disbelief, and you can see him smiling behind his covertness. “You’re really, really gorgeous, Y/N.” His compliment sends butterflies through your belly, and you rush to him again, pushing him back and into the hot downpour of the shower. 

The water blinds you completely as you’re both standing beneath it, a mess of slipping hands and missed kisses, all inhibitions out the window as neither of you can see what you’re doing. His hands find your tits, gripping them both in his hands and squeezing them with just enough force to make your back arch. His fingers work at your nipples, giving him a straightshot to go ahead and connect his mouth. He sucks one particularly hard, letting his lips pop off it with a loud snap. 

“Fuck,” you breathe, finally wiping the water clear from your eyes. You’re met with a soaked Jake, grinning at you so deviously that you swear you could devour him, right then and there. He pulls you back a little again, pressing your back against the cold tile wall as he falls to his knees. 

He’s biting at the skin of your stomach and hips, leaving marks you’re sure will be there tomorrow. He’s absolutely ravenous, and you know exactly what he’s about to do. His hands grip your ass, pulling at the muscles to make you lean into him, exposing your cunt to his ready and waiting mouth. Your hands find his head, your fingers tangling in his hair already as you feel yourself dripping with anticipation. Everything is rough, and forced, and so, so deliciously exhilarating. 

He reaches behind himself and pulls his hair free from its knot, giving you so much more freedom to wrap it around your fingers. It’s like he knows you’re going to need something to hold on to. 

His brown eyes shoot up to you, silently asking for permission to go further, of which you respond with a harsh nod. In less than a second his face is buried in you, his tongue already lapping through your folds and licking at you so deliciously that your knees start to buckle. He catches you, though, as if he had anticipated it, holding you steadily against the wall. 

“God, baby,” you cry out, wiping away the water falling into his face and in his eyes. He feels absolutely incredible, like an otherworldly experience you had no idea you needed to feel. Pleasure is already wracking through you at an ungodly pace, until you feel his tongue swirling your clit, making you cry out again. Your head flies back as your hand covers your mouth, blocking any sound from escaping. 

Jake lifts your left leg, tossing it over his shoulder to give him better access. “Let me hear you baby,” he says, “we’re the only ones here.” Your cries are pitiful as he pulls at your ass again, burying himself even further. You’re sure he’s going to drown as the shower is pouring directly on him, giving him little room to inhale anything other than water. Your fingers wrap up in his strands as you feel your hips begin to grind onto his face, swirling themselves as he moves his tongue to enter you, wet and luscious as his nose hits directly on your clit. 

“Fuuuuuck!” you yell out again, unable to stop yourself from letting him know how good he’s doing. 

Everything is happening so fast and so fiercely that you’re already nearing the edge, but you want this to last as long as it possibly can. He hums on you as his nose pumps against your clit, and you know that even if you could clear the water falling into your eyes, you still wouldn’t be able to see straight. 

You feel your body beginning to tighten, the muscles in your stomach becoming rigid and tense as you feel the sweet release knocking on your front door. He notices this, and brings his finger up to take the place of his tongue. He slides it inside you, and the feeling is even better than you’d thought it’d be, given that he’d only given you an inch or so in the car, earlier. He starts pumping it with force, his speed only increasing as you are trying your best to breathe through ragged breaths. 

“That good baby?” he asks, breaking away for air. 

You nod, “So close…”

He flicks his finger up to the perfect hook, massaging your g-spot as his tongue still laps away, perfectly pointed on your oversensitive clit. You know that his fingers are only a preview of the real thing, and already you realize that if he is this good with just his hands, how is he going to be in bed?

“Oh god, baby… I–” You hunch over, your hands pulling his hair so hard you want to apologize, but he brings you to an orgasm so delicious you have to remind yourself where you are, and what you’re doing. His lips circle around your clit, pulling it into his mouth in quick motions while circling still with his tongue. The motion is new to you and you swear for a second you go deaf from the pleasure. 

“Mmhmm, mhmm,” he hums onto you, releasing his finger and letting his tongue take its place again, collecting up everything he can as you find your mind. 

After a few seconds he slowly stands up, wiping the drenched strands away from your face as he gives you an energetic smile. 

“Jake, that was…” you can hardly form a thought before he’s turning you around, reaching for a bottle of shampoo to wash your hair for you. You let him, knowing that your elation is too high to even argue with him. He massages your scalp before rinsing all the suds, then gives you a healthy dose of whatever conditioner he has sitting in the corner, massaging it into your strands again. 

For a minute, everything is… peaceful. 

“Why you taking such good care of me?” you finally ask, feeling his still-hard length brushing across your ass. 

“Because I want to. Any other questions?” 

You laugh through your nose, realizing that enough time has passed that you’re damn near getting turned on, all over again. You shake your head no. 

You switch off, washing and massaging Jake’s hair for him as no words at all are exchanged. Comfortable silence. 

After you’re all washed and a little pruny, you turn to him again, this time the both of you exchanging looks that aren’t laced with as much aggression, but more painted with looks of desire that make your stomach swirl with the perfect anxiety. 

“You ready to get out of here?” he asks, reaching for the shower handle to switch it off. 

The two of you step out and you reach for a towel, but his hand stops you. “Hmm-mm,” he says, gently grabbing your hips. His lips are instantly connected to your neck, whispering sweet little nothings in your ear as you feel him pushing you to walk again, right over to the countertop. He spins you backward, and you find yourself facing a steam-covered mirror. 

He reaches up and wipes it clean, and it's then that you see the reflection of the two of you, flushed and soaked and in pure and utter bliss… together. You take the initiative and lean over for him, stepping your legs apart as you eye him in the reflection. 

His eyes glaze over with a hunger again, and as you press your ass back on him, the ravenous attitude returns. He places one hand on your waist and the other disappears between you, and you finally feel the touch of his dick rolling through your folds, instantly making you dripping wet all over again. 

You watch as he grits his jaw, his cheeks puffing up with air as his eyes watch himself, deliciously entering you inch by inch. Goddamn, he’s a lot bigger than you had imagined… He presses himself all the way in, finally looking at you again in the mirror as he slowly pulls back out, his eyes rushing back between you so he can watch himself do it all over again. 

Just the thought of him wanting to watch himself fuck you turns you on exponentially.

The feeling of him inside you is earth-shattering, to say the least. Each thrust is better than the last, and he hasn’t even picked up any pace yet. “Fucking hell, Jake… Oh my god…” you say, your jaw falling open as you squint your eyes closed. He moves his hand to hold on to your shoulder, picking up a pace now that has your mind reeling with a blinding pleasure you’ve never even felt before. 

You arch your back for him, giving him a new angle to pound himself relentlessly into you, the sounds of your still-wet bodies smacking together echoing off the walls and making for an even more shrewd display. You watch him as he fucks you, powerful and gorgeous and sweet, making sure to catch your eye contact every few seconds to let you know he’s still there. It’s truly unreal, and you can hardly even catch your breath as you watch yourselves. 

“Fuck, Y/N, keep taking it, baby…” he finally speaks, his head falling back a little as he slows his pace, concentrating now on a different stroke. He snaps his hips upward, hitting you in a whole new place deep inside. It nearly chokes you, the pleasure unimaginable and overtaking your every thought. 

“It’s yours, Jake, it’s all–”

His hand grips in your hair, pulling your neck back in a tight jerk. The motion makes you feel used in the best way as he thrusts even more deeply now. Your hands are holding onto the sink for dear life as the water still in your hair drips down into your face. 

Suddenly, Jake pulls all the way out, spinning you around to face him. His mouth is connected to yours in a flash, and you kiss him back, digging your fingernails into his ass to show him how pissed you are that he stopped. The two of you whine into each other’s mouths, desperate as you feel him pick you up and begin walking to the door. You can’t see where he’s going, but you don’t even care. You’re burying your tongue into his mouth and biting at his lips, feeling like an insatiable rabid animal for him. 

You’re flying through the air backwards before you land on his mattress, bouncing a few times into the thick and plush down comforter that smells exactly like him. “Jake, we’re soaked, let me dry off, we’ll ruin your–”

“Do you think I give a goddamn about getting my sheets wet, Y/N?” he yelps, cutting you off from standing back up to get a towel. His hand is on your chest, gently urging you to fall back down into the messiness of his unmade bed. 

It’s the most comfortable thing you’ve ever laid on, and the blankets and sheets are like mountains around you, protecting you and holding you between them. You feel safe here, you feel good. 

“Say wet again,” you say, remembering how much you liked to hear him to say it. 

He crawls back over you, pulling a dark blanket behind him as he positions himself between your legs, covering the two of you up in a warmth you can’t explain. 

“Wet, wet… soaking fucking wet,” he sings as he pushes himself into you again, taking all the air from your lungs as you feel him enter you this way. You whine pathetically into his mouth, feeling so vulnerable and unguarded in his presence. Your hands fly above your head, letting his body weight fuck into you again. Every nerve ending in your body is on fire, zapping your every cell into a state of shock. You’ve never had sex like this before. What had you been missing out on with him, all this time?

There’s no light around you at all as the blanket is tucked into your sides, tightly wrapping you both up so you have no choice but to touch on nearly every surface of your bodies. You slide against one another, your hands coming down from above you to grab onto him, pull his hair, and grip his jaw for an overly-forceful kiss. 

The way his breathy grunts sound in your ear make you soak again and again, and you know he can feel it. “Is that all for me, baby?” he asks, and you nod, breathing heavily as the pleasure wracks through you over and over again. 

“All for you, all of it’s yours…” you breathe, wrapping your ankles around his back. “You feel so fucking good baby, god… please don’t stop…” you beg him, already feeling another impending orgasm on the horizon. 

Your mind is so far away from everything that has happened tonight, and from Danny, and from whatever other girl he has been with, all this time. You could care less about it all. The way Jake is making you feel right now, the way he has been making you feel all night interrupts everything else so easily that you don’t even know why you were worried in the first place. 

He’s perfect, this is perfect. 

You pull the blanket back to uncover your heads, and you can finally see his face in the dim light of his room, fucked-out and ethereal as he continues. Your hand reaches up to grip around his neck, your fingers pressing over his jugular as his mouth opens for just a split second. You watch as his eyes fill with that same darkness again, and you know for a fact he wants you to do it. “Harder,” he says, so you listen, choking him with a little more intensity as you feel his thrusts begin to falter. 

You feel like he can’t be deep enough, nothing will ever satiate you enough, when it comes to him. Your knees fall apart even further as your ankles uncross, and you stretch your legs up to hang over his shoulders, folding your body in half. “Oh my god babe,” he breathes, leaning all his bodyweight onto the backs of your legs. Your fingers still wrap around his throat, and you grab his hand, pulling his middle finger deeply into your mouth. You wrap your tongue around it, sucking and swirling as you hold him up through his thrusts, now deeper and rougher at this angle. 

You watch his eyebrows furrow together as he starts to lose his composure, his entire body beginning to tremble as you realize you’re right there with him. Your eyes meet with his as you watch him, so much more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. 

You pull his finger in as deeply as it will go as you start to chase your own high, your entire body quaking as your muscles experience your second orgasm of the night. 

“Yeah… yeah…fuck…” he exclaims, biting his own lips. 

Your mouth falls open to cry out, every inch of your body raving and shaking with unimaginable pleasure. He’s falling apart on top of you as he lets himself go, and you make a promise right then and there that you’d never settle for anything less than what Jake has given you, tonight. 

His body trembles with a few aftershocks, making him hum through the comedown. He pulls out, and you instantly wish he was back, lying on top of you in the coziness of his bed. He’s panting and out of breath as he runs his hands down the lengths of your legs, lovingly kissing the insides of them as he steps back from you and off of the bed. 

“I’ll get a washcloth,” he says, stepping sideways into the floor. 

“It’s ok, I’ll come with you,” knowing that you’d prefer to clean yourself up, and get a towel for your still-soaked hair. You hop up and walk past him, smacking him on the ass as you dash to the bathroom. 

After you’d both cleaned up, you follow him back into his bedroom, searching around for that pile of clothes that you were sure he’d grabbed again for you. You locate them easily, and slip the t-shirt and pants on. 

“What are you doing?” he asks from the bed, reclining with his arm behind his head. 

“Getting dressed,” you say. “I’ll get another Uber, they should still be out and abou–”

“Y/N, get your ass back in bed with me, don’t be insane,” Jake chortles as if you’d just suggested the most ridiculous thing ever. 

You roll your eyes, a little embarrassed now. “Jake, it’s fine, I can go home. I know it’d probably be weird of me to stay.”

He sits up, and you realize that he’s still completely naked under the covers. “Have things ever been weird between us?” he asks, his voice a little more serious than before. “In all the years we’ve been friends?”

You stand awkwardly there in his clothes, in the middle of his bedroom, considering his question. “No.” 

“Exactly,” he says as he lays back down. “Now strip down again, and get back over here with me. Unless you’d rather take the couch downstairs… Up to you, sweetcheeks.” 

Thereeeeee’s the old Jake. 

You huff a breath of annoyance. You know he’s right. “Ok, but only because you’re so bossy.” 

You pull the pants back down, but decide to leave his shirt on before climbing back under the unbelievably comfortable sheets and pillows. His arms pull you in toward him before you even have a chance to lay down all the way, and you instantly are brought right back into that safe, comfortable embrace that is him. 

“Yeah, actually, leave the shirt on. Looks good on you,” he says, placing a kiss to your temple. 

You laugh as you dig down in beside him, tossing your leg over his waist. “Thanks. Think I’ll steal it.”

He reaches down to hike your leg up higher, then pulls your palm up to his lips as he places a sweet kiss to it. 

“You’ve stolen more than the shirt, babe.”

<333

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[gretavanmoon]

Ahh, Poppy and Jake, Jake and Poppy♥️ I am so obsessed with how this story turned out and how all the twists and turns left me wanting moreeeee.

So happy to have been a part of Noel’s strong return back to our corner of town, and I am DYING to know what is next for these two…Poppy better not mess this up UGH

Still, Us

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 30.7k

Warnings: Cursing, Alcohol, Smoking, Angst, Begging, Heartbreak, Sadness, Crying, Talks of Marriage, Touching, Kissing, Graphic Sexual Content, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Masturbation, and More.

Listen to the Playlist: Apple Music | Spotify

A/N: Wow this has been a long time coming. Sorry that I have been a little bit MIA lately, it was never my intention, life got crazy! I hope you will accept this as an apology. I have poured into this for weeks and I truly couldn’t have done it without the constant support from @gretavanmoon and @jakeyt. They have given me the drive to keep going even when I felt like giving up. This story would not have happened without them. Period. Anyway, I hope you like it and will accept my apology for being away so long. I have so much more planned for you all and I cannot wait to deliver. As always thank you so much for every comment, like, and reblog. It means so much to me to know that you enjoy my writing. ❤️

Frankenmuth, Michigan 

May 2014

“Jake, can you please turn it down just a little bit?” you plead, your feet propped up on the dashboard, and your hand hanging leisurely out the car window. The warm air feels magical as it glides through your fingers. You’d both been waiting for the warmer weather to blow through town and it was finally here.

You turn to look at Jake, his brown shaggy hair finally growing out like he wanted, just barely dusting over the tops of his shoulders now as it blows around him in the wind. 

“Turn down ‘Shooting Star’? Bad Company? Come on Pops, you know that’s not gonna happen,” he smirks, looking at you over the tops of his wayfarers. “This is like the story of my life.”

You roll your eyes and shake your head as you smile, watching him dramatically mouth the words to you as you coast up 83 towards your house. Jake is your best friend, has been for ten years now, and as you readied yourself for college life, he continued to pursue the dream he’s had since you’d known him, but now bringing his brothers into it with him.

“It’s hardly the story of your life,” you quip, “Maybe the life you wish you had.” you tease, elbowing him in the arm over the center console. 

He laughs as he purses his lips, and pushes you away, “Yeah you say that now, but watch. We are getting that damn record deal, I don’t care what it takes.”

You turned to look at him again as the two of you pulled off the freeway and headed toward your exit. He believed it. He truly did, and you believed that he would do exactly as he said. He has always been that way. Some would say he is hard headed, but you would say he is just determined. 

“I know, I know,” you start, being quickly cut off.

“You’re still coming right?” he urges, looking at you before looking back at the now green stoplight.

“Of course I’m still coming!” you laugh, “I pledged twenty bucks to be there, remember?!”

“Damn right, and you better be in the front where I can see you,” he grins, “Or should I say, where you can see me.”

You roll your eyes at him again, watching the shit eating grin stretch across his face. “You're so full of yourself Jacob Thomas, it's gonna get you in trouble one of these days, and I'm not gonna be there to save you.”

He puts his hand over his heart and looks absolutely offended by your comment, “Save me? Baby doll, you know I don’t need saving. You need saving. From yourself.”

“Oh really? How so?” you ask, challenging him with a quirk of your brow. 

He smirks as he keeps his eyes on the road, fingers tapping against the steering wheel, “You’re headed to college to be some hot shot lawyer or something. You’re way too cool for that, Pops. You should stick with me and the guys.”

You groan as he pitches his grand idea to you for the hundredth time.

“Seriously. You can do so many other things. You can tour, party, see the world, instead of sitting in some bleak office building reading dusty law books all day.” he says matter of factly.

“Jake…” you whine, knowing this conversation always goes nowhere and leaves your mind a mess of emotions. 

He sighs as his car comes to a stop in the driveway of your parents house. He looks over to you, and his voice is stern, “I’m serious Poppy. You’re a freebird, you’re not cut out for that boring life. I know it.”

You cut your eyes at him as you twist in the seat to face him, “So instead I can be some groupie, waiting on you guys hand and foot, cleaning up beer cans, and holding your hair back when you puke in some nasty bar bathroom? No thanks.”

He huffs in annoyance, “You know damn well that you'd be more than that. You'd be like…an honorary member of the band. You're not really the groupie type. You're far too good for that.” he says, twisting a lock of your messy hair over your shoulder. You can't help but to feel heat start to creep up your chest from the simple gesture. 

“You think so?” You ask timidly, your eyes locked in on his tawny brown eyes. 

His demeanor softens, and his finger twirls around the same lock of hair, “Poppy you are, without a shadow of a doubt, the smartest, toughest and coolest chick I’ve ever met. You are so much more than just some groupie.”

The nickname he gave you sounds different somehow– sweeter, maybe, in this moment. In an effort to quickly break the mounting tension growing between the two of you,  you nudge him hard in the arm, “You going soft on me, Kiszka?”

He laughs in response, his fingers releasing the lock of your hair and running them through his own before bringing it to rest on the steering wheel, “I may be many things, P, but soft is not one of them.” he grins playfully. “Now get out, I’ve got practice in ten minutes.”

You scoff and toss the passenger door open, grabbing your tattered bookbag on the way. As you shut the door he leans over the center console to look at you through the open window, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head.

“You know it’s just because I’m gonna miss you, Pops. More than I care to admit.” he confesses. 

“I know, Jake.” you answer, tossing your bag over your shoulder. “I'll miss you too.”

“Good. Oh, don’t forget I can’t pick you up tomorrow morning. We’re heading straight to Groovebox after classes to set up.” he says, flipping his glasses back down. 

“I remember,” you say with a playful eye roll.

“Don’t be late, Y/N,” he says sternly, lifting a brow.

“Rich coming from you,” you taunt, beginning to walk to your front door. 

“M’never late, just running on my own time,” he winks. “Catch up with you later, P,” he says finally, pulling away as Bad Company begins blasting through the speakers once more. 

—

Jake 8:57 PM: which shirt should I wear tomorrow

You 8:58 PM: Um, maybe that denim button down you like? With the pearl buttons?

Jake 8:59 PM: it’s dirty

You 9:00 PM: Ok uhhhh, what about that colorful shirt with the aztec looking patterns on it

Jake 9:00 PM: do you think that will look good on camera

You 9:01 PM: Yes

Jake 9:02 PM: do you think I should like, iron it or whatever

You 9:03 PM: Do rockstars iron their clothes?

Jake 9:04 PM: see you tomorrow ;)

The air is a bit cooler now that the sun has set, the wind whipping right through your thin shirt as you reach for the door handle to Groovebox Studios. Tonight was the night, finally. This has been all Jake has talked about for weeks and weeks on end. Tonight they would record seven songs, live, in front of all of their friends and family, and anyone else that pledged enough money to be there. It had been grueling listening to Jake torture himself over what songs they would choose to record tonight, but they finally narrowed it down. At least, you hoped they did since everyone was here and waiting. 

As you entered into the lobby it was bustling with familiar faces, all waiting to step into the studio to watch the session. You could hear the guys warming up through the wall, the wail of Jake's guitar immediately sticking out to you. You could also hear the crashing of the cymbals as Danny tested his kit and the deep thrum of Sam’s bass. You nervously picked at your fingernails as you waited to be let inside, eager to see the guys, but mostly Jake. You needed him to know you were here, on time, at that. 

A few minutes later the large double doors opened and everyone filed into the small studio. You weren’t really sure what to expect but there were bright lights, and cameras everywhere, scattered between recording equipment and wires. Jake hadn’t noticed you were here just yet, but you saw him immediately in the shirt the two of you decided on last night. Something about that made you warm inside but you forced it back down where it came from. It was Jake. It wasn’t like that. Right?

The first song began, the guys seeming completely relaxed and not at all phased by the large equipment and people surrounding them, watching their every move. Josh’s voice was as strong and confident as Danny’s drums. Finally, Jake looked up from his guitar and let his eyes scan the crowd. A small and relieved smile filled his face as his eyes met yours. A small nod of his head said everything you knew he wanted to say, seeing you there supporting him in the front row of people. You knew that being there meant a lot to him, and gave him the extra boost of confidence he needed to make it through this set.

You were completely transfixed watching him play, giving everything he had for those seven songs. It seemed to fly by in a flash, the show ending with all four guys sweaty and a little winded. The crowd that showed up for them broke out into a round of cheers and applause as you all marveled at the budding talent in front of you. You watched as Jake placed his guitar in the stand and moved towards the producers of the show, thanking them profusely as he shook their hands. 

Immediately after that though, his eyes found you. He walked straight towards you, ignoring everyone else around, wrapping you in a sweaty hug.

“Well, P, you made it on time,” he grins, pulling you in tight against him, your head resting against his chest. He smelled of sweat, cologne and faintly of smoke and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make your knees just a little bit weak.

“How was it?” he panted, “Sound alright?”

You laugh pulling away from his grip, “Jake, that was amazing! Of course it sounded alright.”  

He smiles as you pull away, fidgeting with the tip of his nose,  “Yeah? You’re not just saying that ‘cause you’re my best friend, right?” he says with his signature smirk.

“When have I ever sugar coated anything, Jacob?” you taunt. 

He laughs as he playfully runs his hand through his damp hair, “Valid point.” he smirks, looking around briefly, “Stay right here for a sec. Don’t go, just need to go say hi to some people. Wait, you’re comin’ to the house right?”

“Is this you inviting me?” you tease, knowing you never need an invitation at the Kiszka household. 

He rolls his eyes, not playing into your little game one bit, “Yes, I’m inviting you smartass. Like you even need an invite.”

You nod your head and shoo him away to go talk to the people who came out to support him, but you can't help but feel special that you were the first person he wanted to see after such a big night. 

You watch as he moves from person to person, saying his hellos, shaking hands and talking about the show with each one. He was his normal, charismatic self, except for the small glances over to where you were waiting. It was as if he didn’t want you to go anywhere without checking on you every so often. You’re able to find a quiet corner of the studio to relax for a moment, and you find yourself watching him like he’s the only thing in the room.

He is still surrounded by everyone, laughing and talking. He is so in his element, being the center of attention. You're happy for him, he deserves it, but you find it a little annoying how every girl's eyes were glued to him. No matter how many times you push these thoughts away, they keep resurfacing. It's all in your head, you keep telling yourself, trying to shake the idea of being anything more than friends with him, yet you can't help the fluttering in your chest.

Twenty minutes later he is walking back over to you, the crowd of people slowly beginning to filter out as the rest of the guys begin to tear down their equipment. 

He comes to stand next to you, and his face is a bit more solemn now, the adrenaline from the show now long gone. “So I’ll see you at the house?” he asks, looking over his shoulder. “Just gotta pack up real quick, then make a quick beer stop then we will be home.”

“Beer stop? Did you forget we are 18?” you laugh. 

He rolls his eyes playfully, “Did you forget I have a fake ID?” he grins, wiggling his eyebrows at you. “Plus, I heard Sara Matthews is working tonight, and she won’t question it.”

“Getting started on the whole bad boy rock and roll thing early, huh…”

He lets out a laugh as he gathers his guitar cables from the floor and slings them over his shoulder, “I’ll have you know that I’ve been a bad boy for a long time now, baby doll.”

An hour and a half later you’re finally back in Frankenmuth and turning onto his street. You can see a few cars parked outside the house but you don’t see their van just yet. You laugh to yourself wondering if Jake was busted for his fake ID yet, or if Sara still had that crush on him from fourth grade. When you see the familiar set of headlights behind you, you know it's the latter. 

The van comes screeching around the corner, sliding into the driveway and nearly taking out the mailbox. You laugh, recognizing Josh’s driving anywhere. He cuts the engine and jumps from the driver's seat with a grin. Jake slips out of the back door, pulling his guitar case from the backseat, his other hand holding a twelve-pack. Wordlessly, he trots up to your car, nodding at you to join him as he makes his way across the lawn and into the house, leaving the door wide open behind him.

You slowly walk up the steps, a weird feeling starting to settle in your stomach as you enter through the front door. Music is already blaring from the basement, and the loud hum of multiple people chatting is growing louder the further you walk. You take in a deep breath as you turn the corner into the living room. A giant group is already gathered around, sipping drinks and mingling in the dimly lit room. Your eyes scan the sea of people and you recognize some of the faces from the studio, and the rest are most likely here just to party.

Your eyes scan the room for Jake, wondering where he took off to, but then you see him come bounding down the stairs in a clean blue t-shirt and a smile. He makes a beeline straight for you, his eyes locked on yours as he navigates the crowd. He finally reaches you, his hand landing on your shoulder and ushering you away from the crowd of people. “Come here,” he murmurs under his breath as he drags you down the hall towards the kitchen.

You follow behind him as he makes his way into the kitchen, and you know he is dead set on enjoying his well deserved twelve-pack. As predicted he takes out two cans, popping the tabs and handing one to you.  “Well, let's toast.”

You take the silver can from him, cold in your hand, “Okay, let’s…”

He lifts his beer up towards you with a smirk, his eyes locked on yours, “I guess I just want to say thank you for putting up with all of this the last few years, I know it hasn’t been easy,” he grins, his eyes raking over you, “You put up with a lot of bullshit from me, but even after all of that you’re still here.”

You tap your can to his, “Where else would I be?” you breathe. 

He takes a moment to study your face, his eyes tracing over your cheeks, your nose, your chin as they land on your own eyes. The two of you silently stand next to each other, the sounds of the rest of the party still loud and present from the other room, and you can nearly feel his heart beating against his chest from where you’re standing. The unspoken feelings rushing between the two of you are almost palpable. He doesn’t answer your question, instead choosing to remain quiet as he keeps his eyes trained on you.

You pull the can to your lips, sipping at the bubbly beverage, only slightly wincing at the taste. 

He laughs watching you try to drink the beer, trying to hide the grimace as the hops tickle your taste-buds, “It’s an acquired taste, Pops.” he grins, “And you’re going to have to get used to it before you get to college.”

You sigh, “It's not like college is some big party. I doubt it's like the movies.”

He laughs, resting his can on the counter next to him, “Sure it is. Beer flows like waterfalls, parties happening every day, you’ll even have a couple different flings I bet–” he pauses for a moment, his expression growing serious, “Just have fun, Pops. Get the full college experience.”

“I'll try, but I have to take this seriously. Definitely no flings or beer waterfalls or whatever.” you answer, skirting around that subject the best you can. 

“Well yeah, take things seriously, but don’t count yourself out of a little fun, too.” he says, resting his palm behind his head. He’s quiet for a moment before he continues, “Maybe you’ll meet some fancy law student…fall in love and get married and all that.”

“I don’t know, Jake…” You say nervously. “That’s not why I’m going to college.” Why in the world were you two talking about this? You could feel your cheeks growing warm. Doesn’t he know that the only future you’ve ever planned is the one with him in it? 

He raises an eyebrow at your flushed expression, “What’s wrong Pops, planning out your dream life  as we speak?”

You roll your eyes in annoyance, “No,  Jake.” you grit out. “Can we like…go party or are we gonna stand here and play twenty questions about my love life all night?”

He raises his hands in surrender, “Fine, fine, we can go join those losers.” he murmurs, pushing himself off the counter. He lifts his hand in the air, motioning to the living room, “After you.”

A few hours later you find yourself laying on the basement floor in a pile of blankets, your mind hazy and free as you bask in the feeling of the alcohol swirling through your veins. Jake is laying next to you in a similar state, staring up at the warm string lights strung across the walls. Josh, Sam, and Danny are already passed out on the other side of the room, their snoring turning into a symphony as usual. Your body feels warm and weightless as you turn your head to the side to look at Jake.

He notices your movement, turning to face you, a small smile on his face as he watches you, a long empty can of beer clutched lazily in his hand. His cheeks are flushed and rosy, and you’re pretty sure he isn’t entirely with it considering you’ve lost count of how many beers he’s had since the party started. He lets out a small laugh, the kind he’s only capable of making when he’s like this, “You know what I just remembered?” he slurs, his words coming out slowly.

“What?” you answer, pursing your lips.

He grins, “Remember when we were kids, we’d sit on the edge of Cass River and throw rocks into the water for hours…‘til the sun would go down…” he mumbles, his gaze trained on the blue blanket beneath him. “We’d talk for hours, and it was just…So peaceful. We were best friends–” he trails off, running his tongue over his lower lip.

You nod, his words causing a slight tingle in your stomach as your own mind begins to wander. He is still watching you, his eyes traveling over your face, over your hair before he speaks again, “And we’re still best friends now…right?”

“Yeah of course we are, Jake. Me going to college isn’t going to change that.” you answer softly, seeing the worry painted across his face. 

He nods his head, a small smile creeping up on him, “I know. I know, I just…” he pauses, his thoughts coming a little slower now, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do without you here. I’m used to you bein’ around, it’s gonna feel weird…different.”

“It’s not like I’ll never come home, and you can call me and text me whenever you want. You know that. Where is all of this coming from, Jake?”

He sighs, his eyes dropping from your face and looking instead at the ceiling, “I dunno, I just…I guess I’m realizing it a bit more now that it’s actually about to happen. You’re going to school hundreds of miles away, with other people…other guys, and I won’t be there to keep those idiots in check.”

You giggle a little, the thought of him fending off guys a little humorous. “I already told you, I’m not going to college looking for guys. I’m going to become a lawyer, and I have to focus on the LSAT and getting into law school and everything else. Guys are going to be the last thing on my mind.”

He lets out an exasperated breath, “I know, Pops. That wasn’t my point.” he mutters before rolling onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. His eyebrows are furrowed together as he looks at you, “I’m just worried about you, okay? I don’t want some douchey frat guy to come up and ruin everything…”

“Ruin what?” you ask, furrowing your brows. 

His cheeks turn a light shade of pink and he looks away for a brief moment, but his gaze immediately returns on yours. “This.” he mutters softly, motioning a hand between the two of you. “Us. Our friendship, our bond. You know what I mean so don’t pretend that you don’t.”

“Nothing is going to come between us, Jake. I wouldn’t let that happen.”

He nods, a small hint of a smile creeping across his face, the tension in his shoulders slowly releasing, “I know you wouldn’t…it’s just me being a dumbass, as usual.”

“Jake, you're not a dumbass. I get it. I have the same worries you know. For all I know you’ll meet some super cool girl when you guys inevitably go on tour, and next thing you know you’ve forgotten my name.”

He laughs, moving his hand to playfully swat at you, “Come on now…there’s no way I’m going to forget your name, you’re the only girl I ever think about.”

You feel your heart lurch into your chest at his confession. He may not mean it the way you’re taking it, but part of you wonders if maybe he does. 

“So it’s agreed, no douchey frat guys for me, and no rockstar girlfriends for you,” you tease.

He laughs again, his fingers lightly brushing against the skin of your arm, “If that makes you happy then yes…agreed.” he grins, watching as the motion of his hand leaves a trail of goosebumps down your arm. “Just promise me one thing…”

“What’s that…” you answer. 

“Just, tell me…if you do– if you start to fall in love. Just tell me first.” he breathes. 

You can see the sincerity in his face, and hear it in his words. He really thinks…

“Jake, guys don’t– they don’t see me like that,” you pause. “It’s never been like that for me.”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion, a frown on his lips growing by the second. “Bullshit.” he mutters, “Guys don’t see you like what?”

You muster up the courage thanks to the alcohol in your system, and tell him what you really think. “I’m not the kind of girl that guys fall in love with. I am plain– average old, Y/N. I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

He scoffs and turns onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows, “Plain and average? Is that what you really think?” he asks with disbelief. “Y/N, you’re beautiful, and the guys around here are just too blind to see it. There are guys who would kill to be with you, for just one single chance.”

“I don’t know, Jake. Maybe. But like I said, I don’t care about that. Once I make it on at a firm, maybe I’ll consider it.” you say. 

He studies your face, the alcohol starting to dull his inhibitions, his thoughts coming out unfiltered at this point, “You’re thinking like, ten years in the future P! You’re about to go to college and you’re talking like you’re never gonna meet anyone or pay anyone any mind. For ten years!  You’ve got to live, Poppy! You’ve never even been kissed for Christ’s sake!”

“Wow,” you breathe, the hurt washing over you. 

​​He sighs, realizing that he might have gone too far, “I didn't-” he stops, looking away from you before he speaks up again, “I'm sorry, that was shitty. I didn't mean to say it like that.”

“No, it’s fine. I mean, you’re right.” you reply. 

He looks back at you, his fingers running over your arm again, “No, it’s not…I shouldn’t have said it like that. It’s just, you think so little of yourself sometimes and it drives me insane. You are like…the most amazing person ever, and I don’t–” he stops himself, biting down on his bottom lip, “I just don’t understand how guys don’t see it.”

You’re a little taken aback, this is the first time that his true feelings about you have really come out. You’re unsure what to even say. 

“Thanks, Jake.” you smile, “I’ll let you know how my love life is going ten years from now.” you giggle. 

He looks at you for a long minute, and you can see the wheels turning in his head. 

“I have a better idea,” he says, taking a deep breath. “We’re 18 now, right?”

“Right…” you answer hesitantly.

“If you’re sure that you are dead set on waiting until you’re done with school to be with someone…” he pauses. 

“I am…” you confirm.

“Alright, when we are thirty, if neither of us are married…” he pauses, “Let’s marry each other.”

Shock fills your features, and you can tell that he notices by the smile pulling across his lips. He laughs lightly when you finally muster out a few syllables, “Come on P…it’s the perfect plan. If we’re both still single by thirty, we’ll get hitched.”

“Married?! Jake, you don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t want to marry me!?”

“Sure I do. You’ve always been my girl,” he murmurs, still smiling, “and we’ve already established that no other guy will ever know you better than me. We’ve been best friends since we were kids, been through every high and low, you’re the only one who’s stuck with me through it all…so,” his voice trails off, “if we’re both available at thirty, I see no reason why we shouldn’t marry each other. Plus, our parents would love it.”

“Jake, this is crazy,” you pause, “I can’t let you do this. You can’t make that kind of promise…”

He leans back against the pillow behind him, his expression growing serious as he turns and looks at you, “I think I can. And I wouldn’t be promising if I couldn’t keep it. You’re it for me, Poppy. You always have been...”

“I didn’t think– Do you– I didn’t think you felt that way about me…” 

He lets out a dry laugh, watching the realization starting to hit you, “How could you not know? We’ve spent our entire lives together…this is nothing new.” he sighs, pausing for a moment, “I should have probably said something before, but…I think a part of me was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way and I would end up ruining everything and lose you…” he pauses. “Why do you think I’m over here telling you not to fall in love with some stupid college guy? I want it to be me, P…I’m your guy. I always have been. The question is, do you feel the same?”

“Of course I do Jake. I– I just…” you stammer. “I’m sorry I don’t even know what to say, I–”

Your heart is racing and your eyes are glued to his every movement. You want to scream from the rooftops, but right here in the moment you can barely form a word. 

“Say you feel the same, that’s all you need to say.” He gently takes up your chin, his thumb running across your bottom lip, “Say you want it to be me.”

Your eyelids grow heavy as his warm thumb brushes your lip, “Yes,” you breathe, your eyes locked on his. “I feel the same.”

He lets out a low breath, the words that you’ve just spoken going straight to his gut, “You know I’ve wanted to kiss you for as long as I can remember.” he murmurs, his fingers still resting against your chin.

“Really…”

He nods his head, a small smile creeping up on the corner of his mouth, “Yeah. Since middle school, at the very least. Maybe even earlier…” he pauses, “It’s a shame you’re making me wait until we’re thirty.”

You smile at him playfully, “I mean...maybe we don't have to…”

A low grin slowly spreads across his face, “Don’t tease me, P.” he murmurs, his fingers still lingering on your chin and gently tugging at your bottom lip.

“Who says I am?” you whisper.

His breathing is becoming ragged as he gently runs his thumb over your bottom lip once more, “Poppy…say yes…” he whispers, his breath hot against your skin.

“To what?” you breathe. 

“To the pact. To kissing me. To all of it.” he mumbles, his thumb still stroking over your bottom lip, his free hand slowly traveling from your neck to the small of your back, gently pulling you towards him.

Your eyes flick to his, the string lights glowing in the reflection of his eyes. You can feel his body pressed against yours in the most delicious way, the closest you’ve ever been to  each other.  “Yes, Jake.”

And just like that, his lips are crashing into yours, his hand moving from your lower back to the back of your head, his fingers tangling in your hair, a low breathy moan leaving his lips as he pulls you into him even more. His kiss is slow and tender at first, the taste of beer still lingering on his lips as he moves them over yours in a languid back and forth, but it soon turns desperate and hungry as his tongue presses urgently against yours, a low growl leaving his chest, all of the feelings and emotions that he’s harbored for years releasing themselves in this one moment. But within seconds, it’s over. 

He rests his forehead against yours, the two of you breathing in and out heavily. The kiss has both of you in a daze, your mind struggling to focus on anything other than the fact that your best friend just kissed you. Your first kiss. A content smile stretches across your face before you let your head fall into the crook of his shoulder, breathing in the scent of his cologne as he wraps his arms around you. 

He holds you tightly against him, his chin resting at the top of your head as he runs his fingers across your bare arm. The feeling of your body pressed against his is one you’ve dreamed about for years and now experiencing it for the first time, you never want him to let you go.

“Thank you, Jake.” you say softly into his chest. 

He pulls you in even tighter, his heart rate finally starting to return to normal as he presses a gentle kiss to the top of your head. “For what?” he hums softly.

“For being my first kiss. I always wanted it to be you.” you answer. 

A smile spreads across his face and he squeezes you a little tighter again. “Me too, Pops.” He pauses, his hand finding a loose strand of your hair and twisting it around his finger, “and for the record, I hope I’m your last.”

You laugh, but then an idea strikes you. “Oh yeah, about that. Don't we need to like, sign our names on the line or something?” you say playfully. 

He pauses for a moment, looking down at you but quickly realizing what you mean. A small smirk spreads across his face and he lets out a small laugh, “I don’t know if we’ve got a pen and paper down here…”

You shrug as you look at him, but then he quickly reaches his hand into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled gas station receipt from his beer run earlier in the night. “Will this work?”

“I don’t see why not?” you grin. 

He reaches up behind the two of you, digging around in the pocket  of Josh’s backpack that was left on the couch, pulling his hand out with a smile. “A pen.”

The two of you spend the next few minutes ironing out the fine print of your arrangement, before Jake takes the liberty of writing out the words on the back of the receipt paper. 

‘At age 30, if both parties are single they will enter into marriage with each other.’

You both sign your names beneath the words, the act feeling strangely good and you can tell you both are feeling it. “So it’s official…” you say, letting your eyes meet his.

He stares down at the receipt, the ink of your signatures drying on the back. A weird feeling of finality washes over you as he slowly nods his head, “Yeah, I guess we’re really doing this.”

“The pact.” you grin, leaning into his shoulder. 

He lets out a soft laugh as he looks down at you, his arm wrapping tighter around your shoulders, “The pact,” he repeats softly, before pressing another kiss to the top of your head and sealing your fate as you know it. 

Northwestern University - Chicago, Illinois

2015 

“Yeah, fuck–” he groans, “keep doing that, baby…”

Your eyes flick up to meet his icy blue eyes, his tip nudging the back of your throat as you take as much of him as you can. You know it won’t be long now, you can feel the tightening of his abs as he fights off his release. You release him from your lips with a pop, dragging your tongue up the underside of his cock for dramatic effect. You can hear the bass line of ‘Starboy’ thundering through the walls of the fraternity house party still happening downstairs, momentarily pulling you from the moment you found yourself in. 

You feel Trevors hand as it lands on the back of your head, returning you to your task. Again you take him into your throat, never letting your eyes part from his as your hands cup his balls. 

“Fuck baby doll, you’re fuckin’ amazing,” he groans,  his cock starting to jerk with need. 

You wince as the pet name rolls off his tongue, taking you back to a place you’d rather not remember right now. Right back to Jake. 

Jake. Where was he right now? What was he doing? Surely he wasn’t at the back of some girl's throat. What were you doing?

Suddenly you feel him as his cum starts to paint the back of your throat, swallowing him down with every grunt that leaves his chest. You pull off of him quickly, wiping your lips with the back of your hand. Your mind is suddenly a jumbled mess of thoughts, the single word sending you into a tailspin of guilt. 

“Felt good as fuck, baby,” Trevor says, pulling up his jeans. 

You give him a curt smile as you pull yourself up off of the dirty bathroom floor. “You know I hate it when you call me that.”

“What?” he questions, grabbing his red cup from the bathroom counter. “Baby?”

“No.” you answer quickly. “Baby doll. Don’t call me that. I don’t like it.”

“Sorry, babe. My bad.” he says nonchalantly. “You good?” he asks, turning to open the bathroom door.

You let out a sigh, “Yeah. I’m fine.” you answer, watching him spin the door knob to open the door. The music from the party hits you full force, and that combined with the alcohol in your system hits you hard. “Actually, I think I’m gonna head out.”

“Why, the party is just getting started, it's only two,” he says, ushering you down the stairs. “And I thought you were coming home with me tonight.”

“Eh, I need to be at the library tomorrow morning first thing. I have an exam tomorrow afternoon.” you say, “I’ll call you though, yeah?”

He shakes his head, “Whatever, babe. Later.”

Relief washes over you as you free yourself from Trevor, and make your way through the party and out into the fresh air of Fraternity row.

“Fuck. What the fuck are you doing, Y/N?” you grit out, making the short walk back to your dorm. The air is starting to chill as fall begins to wash over Chicago. You kick yourself the entire way to your door, immediate regret setting in as you let your mind wander back to Jake. 

It had been a few weeks since the two of you spoke, and you definitely hadn’t let him know about your little ongoing situation with Trevor. You didn’t even truly know if you needed to. It wasn’t serious, and that was the deal, right?

As you lock the door behind you, you toss your bag onto your desk, hearing the loud thud as your phone hits the wooden table. It reminds you that you haven’t looked at it in hours. Pulling it from your purse you see a few Instagram notifications but more importantly you see that you missed call and a missed text from Jake. You wonder if you were on his mind, too. 

Jake 1:46 AM: Pops, call me when you can, I have big news.

Your eyes flash to your clock seeing it read out 2:32 AM, and you wonder if he is still up. If he would answer your call. You decide to try, knowing he keeps late hours. The line rings out four times before you hear his raspy voice answering the call. 

“Hey Pops,” he says, and you can tell you’ve woken him. 

“Shit, sorry, I woke you up didn’t I?” 

“Yeah, but it’s okay. Nice to hear your voice instead of reading it on a screen,” he laughs, clearing his throat. “It’s late Poppy, where have you been all night? Are you just getting home?”

You feel hesitant to answer but decide on the truth, “Yeah, I– I was out. I was at a party with some friends.”

You hear a deep hum as he takes in your words and you already know what he’s thinking. “Did you have fun?”

“Um, yeah I guess so…” you lie. “But that's not why I’m calling, I saw your text. What’s up, is everything okay?”

He lets out a soft sigh, his voice still thick with sleep, “Yeah everything is fine. Everything is great actually. Sorry to just text you out of the blue like that, but I wanted to– I just wanted to tell you over the phone instead of texting.” He pauses for a moment, as if trying to gather his thoughts, “It took a while but, the deal went through. We were signed for an album and we’re  gonna tour it.”

“Oh my god, Jake!”

“We are releasing a fucking album, Pops.” he repeats. 

“I don’t even know what to say, I am so– I am so proud of you Jake! I can’t believe it! I mean, I can but, you know what I mean!” you gush. 

You hear his soft laugh from the other end of the phone, “You don’t really have to say anything. Or you can scream or do whatever. I just needed to tell you. I wanted you to be the first person to know.”

The words then hit you, “Wait, I’m the first person you’ve told?”

“Yeah, you’re the first.” he laughs, “You’re the one I need to tell everything to, first. Just how it's always been. How I want it to always be.”

“I’m so proud of you, Jake.”

You can hear his smile on the other end of the phone, “I’m proud too. God, I wish you were here, Pops. Wish you were here celebrating with me.”

A sigh leaves your lips, “I wish I was there too.”

“Pops, listen, it– It might be a while before we can see each other again. We– we’re going to be touring all through the spring. All over the place…”

“Oh, I–”

“No, no, don’t worry or anything, I just mean I will miss you, that’s all. But you’re doing your thing in Chicago and I’m doing mine out here. Just kinda the paths we are on right now.” he pauses, “But I’ve still got a couple of weeks at the end of the year before we go. We can see each other then, right?”

You bite your lips together as you try to stay positive, “Yeah. Yeah of course.”

“Good.” he answers, “Just keep on going, Poppy. We’ve got this.”

“Yeah. Yeah we do.” you answer quietly. 

“Alright, well, we should probably get some sleep, it’s late. But one more thing before you go…” he trails off. 

“What’s that…”

“Just…” he pauses hesitantly, “We’re still, us, right?”

“Yeah, Jake. We’re still us. Nothing has changed.” you confirm. 

“Okay. Well, goodnight, Pops,” he says, his voice growing sleepy again. 

“Goodnight, Jake.” you whisper, hitting the red button to end the call. 

As you collapse down onto your lumpy dorm room bed you run your hand over your face. You try to shake the hollow feeling in your stomach at the thought of everything being okay, but you couldn’t shake the nagging sense of unease washing over you as you pull the blankets over your head. 

December 8,  2015

Jake 4:27 PM: When do you come home for winter break?

You 5:09 PM: I’m not sure yet. Cramming for finals currently. 

Jake 5:20 PM: good luck pops

December 19, 2015

Jake 11:47AM: We are leaving for Detroit to get a van and trailer. I can’t believe we are really going on tour. Miss you. 

December 22, 2015

Jake 9:57 PM:  I saw your mom today and she said you won’t be home for Christmas. Would it be weird if I came to see you? Let me know. 

December 25, 2015

Jake 7:46 AM: Merry Christmas, Pops. 

You 9:04 AM: Merry Christmas, Jake. Miss you. I’ll call you soon. 

December 29, 2015

You 12:03 PM: sorry I haven’t called, I’ve been so busy. When do you leave for tour?

Jake 1:10 PM: January 8th. We’ll be in Chicago on the 24th, should I leave you a ticket?

You 1:27 PM: Can you leave two?

Jake 1:30 PM: Anything for you pops. Can’t wait to see you. 

January 23, 2016

Jake 8:46 PM: leaving the venue in Springfield heading towards Chicago. See you tomorrow?

You 9:23 PM: Yes ❤️

Northwestern University - Chicago, Illinois

January 24, 2016

“So what’ve you got going today babe?” Trevor asks, rolling over to face you. 

“Honestly not a lot. I have a class at 1:00 then I guess I am just going to come back here and get ready to go to that show. You still want to come with me right?”

“Yeah for sure, sounds like a good time,” he says, kissing your  shoulder as you sit up on your elbows. The sheet now barely covers your naked bodies, the light sheen of sweat now dry.

A knock on your door startles both of you, your head snapping to the right to look at Trevor, “You think it’s the RA?” 

“Fucking hope not,” he whispers, quickly pulling himself up out of your bed. 

You jump up, grabbing a t-shirt and pulling it over your head as you rush to the door. You push back your hair and take a deep breath as you open the door, but much to your surprise, it’s not the RA.

“Jake?!” 

“Hey, Pops,” he grins, his smile lighting you on fire. His hands are in his pockets, and he seems almost nervous.

“Jake what– what are you doing here?” you rush out, taking in the sight of him for the first time in a long time. His hair is longer now, and he seems as if he's added a little bit of muscle tone.

“We got into town early, thought I’d surprise you,” he answers, his eyes flicking up and down your body as he takes in your current state.

Before you even have time to explain, Trevor walks up behind you, placing his hand on your shoulder. 

“All good, babe?” he asks, his eyes locked on Jake. 

You see the exact moment that realization hits Jake and you swallow harshly, “Yeah, yeah, um everything is fine. This is my friend Jake. He’s in the band we’re seeing tonight.”

You watch as Jake lets out a small huff of air, anger washing over him. “Jake,” he nods, “Nice to meet you.” 

“You too.” Trevor answers. 

“I see you’re busy, Pops. I’ll uh– catch you later.” he says, looking at you before walking away. You don’t even have time to speak before you hear the elevator doors opening. You shut your dorm room door with tears welling in your eyes, doing your best to not let Trevor see, but a huge lump has formed in your throat, and you feel like you might be sick, so you quickly dart into the bathroom before Trevor can question you. 

Your blood is rushing around furiously as you pick up the two tickets at willcall under your name.  Trevor seems oblivious to your anxiety, though, you are doing your best to keep it under wraps. The energy in the small venue is buzzing around you and your excitement doubles once you step through the double doors and enter inside. There are a few people gathered at the front of the stage, and you and Trevor step up behind them. Your heart is pounding as your eyes catch on the drum kit, seeing the band's logo displayed proudly. It won't be too much longer until they go on stage, opening for the main act, and you know more people will begin to show up after they start. 

“So you’ve seen them before?” Trevor asks, turning to look at you. 

“Um, yeah kinda. But not like this. Not on a big stage with lights and real sound equipment,” you answer, doing your best to shut him up. 

Your eyes are focused on the side of the stage where you see a few familiar faces getting ready to go on stage. A smile stretches across your face and your heart starts to pound harder, knowing Jake will be in front of you in mere seconds. The house music starts to quiet down and you watch as Josh takes the stage. He is followed by Sam and Danny, and finally you see Jake step up with his red SG.

They immediately begin playing, and Josh starts talking to the crowd of people that have gathered around you. There are more people here than you would have thought, but you chalk it up to their successful shows in other surrounding states. But you’re more so shocked at the sheer presence of  them on the stage. In seconds Jake’s guitar is commanding the attention of the entire venue, all eyes on him. Part of you wants him to look at you, but the other part of you is still feeling guilty about this morning's earlier interaction. 

As your attention focuses on him, you notice that his attention seems to be focused on everything but the crowd of people in front of him, in fact he seems to be looking over the crowd as he strums out the chords to the first song. It’s then you realize that he seems to be intentionally not looking for you. You hate to admit that it  hurts. 

The performance begins, and Josh starts the opening lyrics to a song you've never heard before, but it's incredible. You can't help but notice that the lyrics seem almost as if they could be about you, and it sends chills up and down your spine. Surely not.

It's then that Jake's eyes meet yours, locking in on you as Josh continues to sing. Your breath is caught in your chest and as you struggle to blink you see Jake look over at Trevor. Your heart begins to race, your cheeks turning flushed. It seems as if time has stopped, like the two of you are the only people here, in the entire world. You hold his gaze again for a moment before he rips his eyes away, returning his focus back to the music. 

The show continues this way, the constant back and forth as the two of you look at each other, speaking silently as he plays guitar. It feels like an eternity before the show is finally over, their set is ending and the guys are walking offstage. The crowd erupts into applause and cheers, and you and Trevor begin to make your way towards the back of the venue, but not before Josh spots you and wraps his sweaty arms around you. 

He looks flushed and out of breath but still has a million dollar smile plastered across his face, “Y/N! I’m glad you made it out. Did you enjoy the show?” he says, but doesn’t let go of the hug despite him dripping sweat onto your shoulder.

“Of course I did! I always do, you guys were amazing!” you shout, hearing the headliner start their set. “It’s nice to see you on a real stage where you belong.”

He lets out a low laugh, finally letting go of you, “It’s still unreal. I can’t even pretend like I’m used to it. Thanks for being here.” he pauses. “I don’t know where Jake ran off to but I’ll find him and send him your way.”

“Thanks,” you smile, seeing him wave over his shoulder. 

You turn back around to see Trevor standing beside you, a small hint of confusion on his face. He looks like he has something he wants to say, and you know exactly what it is.

“Yes, I know the whole band, and yes Jake is a twin,” you smile. 

He shakes his head and looks down at the sticky bar floor before looking back at you. “No actually it's not that. I saw the way you look at him, Y/N, at Jake… Like you couldn’t take your eyes off of him for the entire show. And how he couldn’t take his eyes off you either. Not once.”

Panic begins to set in, your heart rate immediately spiking, “What? No. I– I watched everybody, Trev.”

He raises an eyebrow as he stares you down, “No, you didn’t. You watched him.” he replies, his face growing serious as he looks you over, “I’m not stupid, babe. You’ve been with me for a while now, and I have never once seen you look at me the way you were looking at him.”

“No, you’re imagining things,” you say dismissively, seeing Jake appear in the crowd, heading your direction at possibly the worst time. 

“No, I’m not imagining things,” he mutters, his words turning cold. “Just admit it. Say that you have feelings for him.”

Jake finally makes his way over to you, and by that point the tension between the three of you is as thick as molasses. Jake’s face changes the moment he sees the expression on your face.

“Hey Pops, what’s going on? Everything okay?” he asks, his eyes flickering between you and Trevor.

“Um–” you stammer, unsure what to say to diffuse the tension between you and Trevor.

Trevor looks at Jake, his eyes narrowing at your obvious discomfort, “Just settling an issue here, that’s all.”

Jake looks at him, obviously confused and concerned, “What issue is that?”

“Oh, so you’re going to play dumb, too?” Trevor quips, “Of course.”

Jake’s face turns serious as his eyes narrow, “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, man. You want to tell me what the hell’s going on?”

“Not much to tell. I can just tell when a guy and a girl have feelings for each other. We’re working through the issue right now.” he answers nonchalantly, gesturing in your direction.

“Trevor!” you snap, your face burning with embarrassment. 

He shrugs his shoulders, “What? We are. Am I wrong? You’ve got feelings for this dude, right?”

Jake is standing stock still, his eyes wide and focused on you as Trevor mentions the feelings you’re not supposed to have.

The tension in the air is palpable, the realization of what he’s saying slowly settling in on him. “Right?” he asks again. You can’t bring yourself to look at either one of them, your gaze remaining locked on the ground.

“No. I don’t Trevor. You are my boyfriend. Jake is…just a friend…from back home. I'm here with you.” you answer, feeling your own heart break as the words pierce through Jake, too. 

He stands there, his face expressionless as your words sink in. He’s frozen, staring down at you, but your head is still glued to the ground and you can’t bring yourself to look at him.

Trevor lets out a breath, “We’ll just have to agree to disagree then. All I’m saying is the way you were looking at him just now, and the way he was looking at you…there’s something between you two that isn’t just a regular thing, and I see it.”

“No man, she's right. We are just friends. Nothing more. Never have been, never will be. Isn’t that right, Pops.” Jake says, and you can feel the venom in his words. 

You dare glance up at him, but the moment your eyes meet you regret it. His face looks like stone, the light in his eyes now replaced with a dark, dull anger. You can’t remember the last time you’ve seen Jake like this, his gaze locked on yours, staring you down.

“Right, Pops? We’re just friends,” he repeats, but his voice lacks the comfort of the countless times he’s said those words before to you. There’s no reassurance in there this time, no hint of a smile. This is not the Jake you know. The Jake that you love.

“Right,” you breathe, wishing more than anything you could just disappear into thin air. 

He holds your gaze for just a moment longer, his eyes narrowing as he looks at you, waiting for something more from you, but you just can’t say it, your voice having abandoned you.

“Okay, great, well uh– thanks for coming out. See ya ‘round, Pops.” You watch as he nods his head toward you dismissively, turning and disappearing into the crowd.

The feeling of him walking away from you, the anger in his face and in his words, it’s leaving you with an unbearable emptiness feeling in your chest. Your head is swimming with everything that has just transpired. You’re unable to move, but Trevor breaks you out of your trance with a hand on your shoulder. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Part of you wants to stay, to leave Trevor and find Jake and make things right, but you know you can't. It's too late. The damage is done. You let him lead you out, your head down as you stumble out of the venue. The night sky is cold and black, the weight of the moment still fresh. You let Trevor lead you away from the venue. Away from Jake. 

You make the trip back to your dorm in silence, both of you just wanting to forget about the whole thing and curl up in bed and sleep. He doesn’t try to talk, but you can feel his tense energy radiating off of him next to you, and you aren’t totally sure if he’s angry with you or just the situation in general.

As you slide into your bed, your mind is still replaying the moments back in the venue. Jake’s face as you denied having any feelings for him. The way he used a nickname that once was special between you two and somehow made it sound so cold. The way he didn’t argue when you denied your feelings to Trevor. And the worst part of all, your inability to correct him.

The sheets feel heavy on top of your body, and you’ve never felt more lonely. The person who knows you best is a couple miles away from you, and at the same time he’s never felt more distant. You want to try and sleep, hoping the morning can bring you some reprieve but you instead end up staring at the ceiling and letting the tears quietly fall.

Northwestern University - Chicago, Illinois

November 10, 2016

“Miss Y/N?” the dorm attendant calls out as you walk through the entry doors.

“Yes?” you answer, stopping at the desk with a smile. 

“You had a delivery come this morning,” she smiles, “a big beautiful one.”

“Me?” you ask, not expecting any deliveries. 

“Yes, stay right here and I will get it,” she says, scampering off to the back office to retrieve your package.

However, when she steps out your heart nearly drops. It’s not a package at all. It's a giant bouquet of flowers, but not just any flowers. Your eyes instantly begin to fill with tears, and a familiar ache in your heart flares up. Poppies, at least two dozen of them in a bright pink vase. They are all blooming and vibrant and you don’t even need to read the card to know who they are from. 

You accept them from her with thanks, and rush back to your dorm room as fast as you can. The tears are beginning to stream  from the corners of your eyes as you kick the door shut behind you. You place the flowers on your desk, and with shaky hands you pull the tiny red card from the holder. 

The outside of the envelope reads ‘Happy Birthday’ in bold handwriting. You look at the envelope one more time before ripping open the seal and pulling the card out. The front of the card has a handwritten message. ‘Have a great birthday, Pops.’

There’s no signature, but you know who it’s from. You open the card and find the inside blank, except for one simple phrase written in the middle.

‘Still us, right?’

You feel like your heart has exploded in your chest, the tears falling faster now. You feel a knot in the pit of your stomach as you read those words again and again, your brain unable to wrap your head fully around what they mean. You know what he’s really asking, and the feeling of shame and guilt over the way that you left things is even stronger now.

“What did I do?” you whisper to yourself. You never wanted to hurt him, that was never your intention. You let your head sink, your eyes landing on the beautiful multicolored flowers on the desk. You let the tears continue to fall, the guilt and helplessness washing over you in a fresh wave. You let your head fall into your hands, trying to will yourself to do something, anything, but the feeling of despair and the memory of how Jake’s face looked that night in the venue is like a heavy weight on top of you.

Should you call him? Text him?

You look around your dorm, as if a sign would pop up and tell you exactly what to do. You turn and look at your phone, your hands shaking as you reach out toward it. You think about calling him, you think about texting, but what would you say?

You want to say how sorry you are, how much you’ve missed him, and how much better everything would be if you could both go back and do that night over again...but what good is saying those things now? It’s too late for regret, no matter how badly you want to go back and change the last few months.

You pick up the phone, your fingers shaking slightly as you dial his number. The phone rings for a few seconds until you hear his voice on the other line. “Poppy?”

“Jake,” you reply. 

“Hey,” his voice responds, a little bit of surprise and relief in it. He hesitates before continuing, “Guessing you got the flowers?”

“I did. Jake, they are so beautiful. I love them.” you answer. There’s an uncomfortable silence between the two of you, the elephant in the room growing larger by the second.

“Yeah, I’m really glad you like them,” he replies, his voice sounding less surprised and a little bit of normalcy starting to return to the conversation. He lets another pause linger between the two of you, the silence feeling strange after all the time you’ve gone without speaking to each other. Then he speaks again. “I wasn’t sure you were going to call.”

“I wasn’t sure you would answer,” you say sheepishly.

He lets out a gentle chuckle, the sound of his laugh somehow still warming your heart. “Yeah, to be honest I was a little hesitant to answer. But I’m glad you called.” he says quietly.

“I um– I got your…note.” you breathe. 

A pause fills the line before he speaks again, this time quieter. “Yeah, it’s just been kind of heavy having the distance between us lately. I just… needed you to know that the way things ended last time we saw each other, I never meant to…” he trails off, suddenly unsure of the proper words to say.

“Jake, I-” you start, but he interrupts you.

“No, you don’t have to say anything,” he says, a sense of urgency in his voice. “Please don’t feel bad, okay? I just needed you to know that we’re still…” he fades off again, that familiar feeling of helplessness filling the air. He takes a moment before continuing, “You’re still my best friend and you always will be. I don’t want us to lose that. I don’t want to lose you any more. You’re my girl, Pops. Always will be.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Jake,” you confess, your voice cracking with pain. 

“I know.” he replies, letting out a sigh, “And I understand.” Another moment passes between the two of you before he speaks again. “Listen, I’ve got to go, we are going on soon and Josh is breathing down my neck, but I’m glad you called. It means a lot to hear your voice. Let’s try and…I don’t know, talk more?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry to keep you, I just…” you pause, “Have a good show, Jake... a-and thank you for the flowers.”

“Of course, anything for my girl,” he answers, “and Happy Birthday.”

“Thank you…” you trail off. 

“Call soon?” he asks, the volume in the background starting to grow louder.

“I’d like that,” you breathe, feeling the distance from him even more than before. 

“Good. Okay, well have a good night, P.” he says softly, and right before you think he’s hung up you hear him whisper, “It’s still us, Poppy.”

“Still us,” you confirm, the call ending as the words leave your lips. 

January 4, 2017

Jake 8:12 AM: Just signed the contract for a headlining world tour. I can’t believe it, Pops.

You 7:58 PM: I’m so proud of you Jake

March 28, 2017

Jake 11:04 PM: Just walked past a street vendor selling red poppies. Apparently they are a big thing here. Thought of you. Miss you. 

You 11:24 PM: I miss you too. Where are you at these days?

Jake 11:30 PM: In Paris right now, England tomorrow, then Scotland. It’s beautiful here. 

You 11:32 PM: I can only imagine.

Jake 11:33 PM: One day, Pops.

June 7, 2017

You 12:25 PM: Did I just see that you guys are playing Lollapalooza?! Jake!

Jake 1:49 PM: You did, can you believe it? 

You 1:50 PM: We used to daydream about that

Jake 1:56 PM: No more dreaming. Can I save you an Artist wristband?

You 1:58 PM: You’d do that for me?

Jake 2:00 PM: Of course poppy, you’re my girl. 

August 3, 2017

Jake 8:09 AM: P, it’s show day and I haven't heard from you. You still coming? Your wristband is at will call.

You 10:23 AM: Jake, I am so so so sorry. I can’t find anyone to cover my shift tonight at work. I’ve been trying for weeks. I hate to miss this. I am so sorry. :(

Jake 10:40 AM: Ahh, it’s alright P,  there will be more. I’ll catch you at the next one. 

You 10:45 AM: I won’t miss the next one. I swear. 

Jake 10:46 AM: I’m holding you to it. Call soon. 

November 10, 2017

You 2:21 PM: Thank you for the poppies Jake. They are even more beautiful than last years bouquet. Miss you so much. 

Jake 3:04 PM: Anything for you, Y/N. Happy Birthday. 

February 18, 2018

Jake 7:34 PM:  *Open in Spotify*  - Bad Company - Call On Me

You 7:45 PM: I remember listening to this album in your car non stop senior year lol

Jake 7:48 PM: Still one of the very best. I always think of you when I hear that one though. 

You 7:50 PM: Even if I called on you I don’t think you could get here very quickly. Last I saw on Instagram you guys were in Belgium. 

Jake 7:54 PM: We are, but all you need to do is say the word, Pops. 

You 8:00 PM: Miss you. 

Jake 8:01 PM: Miss you more. 

April 4, 2019

Jake 7:48 PM: My mom said she got your graduation invitation in the mail today. So proud of you Y/N. 

You 8:21 PM: It feels like it went by so fast. I can’t believe it’s over. I actually just received my acceptance letter from the University of Michigan today. I’m officially going to Law School. 

Jake 8:30 PM: You continue to amaze me Poppy. I’m glad we both get to live our dreams. 

You 8:32 PM: ❤️

University of Michigan Law School - Ann Arbor, Michigan

August 12, 2019

You 7:52 AM: I’m freaking out, what if I can’t do this Jake

Jake 8:00 AM: what?

You 8:01 AM: It’s my first day of classes at UofM

Jake 8:02 AM: Do you think I wasn’t petrified the first time I stepped onto a real stage? I know you can do this P. If I can do that, you can do this. You can do anything. 

You 8:03 AM: Thanks Jake

Jake 8:05 AM: Call me later and let me know how it went. We are on break for the next week so I’m free whenever. 

November 10, 2019

You 3:47 PM:  Jake! You’re so sweet. Gorgeous flowers, but I have to know how you got my new address?  

Jake 3:50 PM: Don’t worry about that, I have my ways. Happy Birthday my girl. I’ll call soon. 

University of Michigan Law School - Ann Arbor, Michigan

May 18, 2020

You can faintly hear a persistent buzzing, the sound pulling you from your sleep. You realize it’s your phone buzzing away on your nightstand with an incoming call. You roll over, reaching for it in the darkness of the room, noticing the time on your alarm clock says 2:47 AM. You wipe the sleep from your eyes as they adjust to the harsh light of your phone, but that's not what really wakes you. It’s the name on the screen that has you sitting up straight in your bed. 

“Jake?” you breathe, sliding your thumb against the glass. “Hello?” you answer groggily. 

“Poppy…” he replies, his voice deep and gravely. 

“Jake, what's wrong, is everything okay? It's like 2:30 in the morning?” you rush out, your heart starting to pound. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, baby doll,” he answers, “I just…I needed to hear your voice.”

You can hear the slurring in his words and you know he's had too much to drink. That, and he hasn’t called you that pet name in years, “What’s going on, Jake? You don’t sound okay.”

He’s silent for a moment, seemingly gathering the right words to say, “‘M fine, Pops. It’s just been a bad day. Hell, it’s been a bad week. A bad month. Everything is fucking exploding in our faces.”

“What do you mean?” you ask nervously, clutching your sheets in your fist.

He lets out a deep sigh, “God, everythings just falling apart. With the album, with tour–” he cuts himself off. There’s another pause before he speaks again. “It’s just all such a mess and I miss you, Pops. I miss you so damn much. I don’t know if I can do all of this.”

“What? What do you mean? Is it because of all this Covid stuff?” you ask.

“That, and so many other things. We had all these plans to release the new album and tour and then everything came to a screeching halt. We’re essentially in lockdown now, and I don't know when we will start up again. I can’t just sit, Pops, you know that. I just can’t,” he sighs heavily. “But it’s not just that,” he pauses for a moment, his words becoming a little more slurred, “There’s a million things, and I know I sound so whiny, but–”

“No, go ahead, get it all out. Tell me. I'm here. I'm listening.”

“I don't even know how to put it all into words. There’s just so much. The pressure, the uncertainty, the loneliness of it all, the shit with the label, my parents calling all the time asking what's going on, Josh bitching everytime something doesn’t go his way. Nothing is going right,” he pauses, “and you're not here.”

“I know. I know I'm not, but I think I understand a little bit at least. All my classes are virtual right now, finals and everything. It’s not how I ever imagined Law School going.  I don't think I have left my apartment in weeks. I haven’t talked to a real person in a while. It's scary and everything is uncertain right now. I get it Jake. I do, and I miss you. I miss you so much.” you answer.

“Yeah, exactly,” he sighs, “I just feel like– everything is going wrong and falling apart and I don’t know how to stop it. I just want…I want you,” he pauses, “I want you here. Things would be better if you were here. You would know what to do.”

“Well, where are you? Are you…at home or–”

“I’m locked in this fucking house in Nashville. Feel like a fuckin’ prisoner. All I can do is play guitar and write and drink,  and– I just need out.” he groans. 

“Nashville...You–You live in Nashville now? In a house? I had no idea you guys left Michigan.”  you say a little despondently.

“See, this is exactly what I mean. I want you to know these things. You deserve to know. I– I should’ve called. But, yeah, we got a place last year. Me and Josh. It made sense with us starting to record and touring, being centrally located and all that. But it’s not my permanent home. This is not what I want.” he adds hastily.

“Yeah, I understand, that makes sense, I just didn't know,” you pause, “I wish- I mean, how far are you from Ann Arbor? You know you can always come visit for a while. I’ll be busy with school work but at least we could…” you trail off. 

“I’d say maybe…six hours, give or take,” he answers, and his mind starts to wander a little. “I wish I could just hop in the car and come to you. I miss your face. Just you, in general,” he says, the drunken honesty coming through. “But the label has us on fucking lockdown. Can’t leave the city even if we wanted to.”

“Oh. Okay. I understand.” you answer, pain coloring your tone. 

He picks up on your change in tone, his voice growing a bit more sober, “Shit, no, P. I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t want you to feel like I wouldn’t just drop everything and come to you right now, you gotta believe me. I wish I could. I’d  leave now and be there by morning.”

“No, Jake it’s fine, I get it. I was just daydreaming.” you answer, swallowing thickly.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything. I feel like everything has just been too much and I just wanted to hear your voice. But I shouldn’t have called you like this, I know you’ve got a lot of stuff going on with school right now. I shouldn’t have burdened you with my bullshit.” he says, his voice sounding just as pained as yours. 

“Never apologize for that Jake. That’s what I’m here for. I want to know, and I know you would do the same for me if the roles were reversed.”

“I’d do anything for you, Y/N. You know that I would,” he responds, his words almost a whisper now. You can still hear the buzz of alcohol in his voice, but now it’s only a slight slur instead of drunken rambling. “You were always my person. My safe place.”

“And you’re mine,” you whisper. 

You can hear him sigh heavily on the other line, and the two of you let a comfortable silence fall over the line. You’re both lost in your thoughts, just content to hear the other breathe. He finally breaks the silence, his voice quiet and hoarse, “When I get out of this hell hole, I’m coming to find you. I need to see you again. It can’t be another year without you.”

“You know where to find me,” you grin. 

“Yeah, I do,” he says. He’s silent for a moment, just listening to you breathe. “I should let you get some sleep. You got school and work and… life to deal with tomorrow, huh?”

“Sadly, yes. But, I– enjoyed this. I’ve missed your voice. It’s nice to lay here with my eyes closed and pretend like it's old times.”

“Yeah,” he says softly, “This was good. I feel better now, I really do. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. We’ve got a lot to catch up on…and I’m sorry I had to be drunk to find the balls to call you.” he giggles. “Can I call you again sometime soon? Preferably when I’m a little more sober?”

“Please do,” you answer with a laugh. 

He laughs softly along with you, the sound of his laugh is familiar yet different after all this time, “Okay, I’ll call you soon then. I promise. Goodnight, my  Pops.”

“Goodnight, Jake.”

Detroit, Michigan

March 13, 2022

 

“And send,” you whisper to yourself, finally leaning back in your office chair as the email flies into the ether. You let out a deep exhale, checking the time. Only one more hour before you leave for the day. You take in your surroundings, seeing your colleagues still busy and working away on case files and reports. It wasn’t easy landing this job and it has been taxing to say the least, but in a few years you would be up for partner and you would do anything to make your dream a reality. Today though, you were leaving a little earlier than usual. You had plans tonight, plans you weren’t one hundred percent sure you should follow through with, but it had been years after all, and part of you is dying to see him. Jake. 

You’d been following along with the band's success for years now, watching them grow to crazy levels of fame in such a short amount of time. You think back to the night Jake called you, so worried about the new album, and now it was their most successful release to date. It truly was incredible and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to see them play it live. And tonight, you would. 

When you saw that they had plans to play in Saginaw you knew you had to make the drive. You requested the time off and now today was the day. Your heart has been in your throat all day waiting for it to drop to your stomach the moment you see him on stage tonight. It only took a few messages with Karen to find out that you had standing tickets waiting for you. Stating that ‘Jake wouldn’t have it any other way’. You could tell she missed him, missed all her boys actually, and you knew the pain all too well.

You knew he would look different, from the pictures you’d seen you could tell his hair was longer, and his boyish figure was now that of a man. But he wasn't the only one, all of the guys' looks had changed dramatically, and part of you felt like you hardly knew them anymore. You had no plans of telling Jake that you would be there tonight, you wanted to see him play a good show without the burden of knowing you were out in the crowd watching. You have your outfit picked out and waiting for you on your bed, knowing you only had a few quick minutes to change and get on the road when you clocked out at the office for the day. Now, all there was left to do was wait. 

The traffic couldn’t have been worse. The freeway was congested with an accident and roadwork, and as your hands gripped the steering wheel  you began to feel nervous that you might not make it in time. You pushed away the nervous feeling, turning up the volume of the music playing through your car speakers. You’d done your research, listening to the new album a hundred times over, and tonight you’d put that knowledge to the test as you tried your best to sing along with every song they would play. As you sang along now, you let go of your stress and relaxed into the music, watching as miraculously the road cleared in front of you and you continued on your way to Saginaw. 

With your ticket in hand you searched for your seat in the crowd, finding yourself surrounded by familiar faces. Faces you hadn’t seen since you left home. It felt like a big reunion in section 102, and you couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of your face if you tried. When you finally found your seat you looked up to see Karen sitting a seat away, turning to face you as you sat down next to her. 

“Oh honey, you made it,” she cooed, pulling you in for a hug. 

“Yeah, yeah I did! Got stuck in some terrible traffic leaving Detroit, I didn’t know if I was going to make it on time.” you answer, waving hello to a few other friendly faces around you. 

“I am so glad you’re here, I haven’t seen you in years! You really should come home and see everyone soon. We all miss you!” she says, with a soft smile, “I’m glad he sat you with us. Right where you should be.”

You give her a confused look and she laughs. 

“Look around, you’re in the family section,” she pauses, and suddenly you realize shes right. “I can’t wait to see them play tonight, it’s been a year or so.”

“Well I guess I should confess that I haven't seen them since their first little tour. I think they were openers. It was back in college.”

“Oh well, you’re in for a surprise then. They are just fantastic now, they’ve really stepped it up since then. Oh, Jake is going to be so happy to see you.” she gushes. 

“I actually didn’t tell him I was coming,” you pause, “we haven’t talked in a little while. He’s been busy touring and I’m working at a firm now. Life hasn’t been the best to our friendship.” you confess. 

“Oh honey I hate to hear that. You’ll have to come with me after the show to see everybody. I’m sure they would all love to say hello.” she offers. 

“Like backstage? I don’t know. Maybe. I–”

“No excuses, we’re going.” she smiles, just as the lights dim and music begins to play through the arena. 

Your heart is positively thumping in your chest as you hear what you believe to be Josh’s voice as he talks over a piece of music. You feel your insides grow warm as he talks, your eyes filling with tears as you listen to the beautiful words he's crafted. The crowd explodes in cheers full of anticipation as the arena goes black and the curtain covering the stage begins to flash with red lights. 

You’re scared of what you will see when the curtain drops. Scared of the changes you’ll see in their faces, the changes you’ll notice in their playing, but mostly you’re scared that he may not recognize you if he does see you, because that would crush you. 

Suddenly the curtain falls down to the ground as loud music begins to fill the arena. Your eyes are immediately on Jake, his long dark hair and his two piece suit. He looks so amazing you feel like you could fall to your knees right here in the stands. But then, he spots you, and for that few seconds it’s just the two of you there in that arena. 

 A wave of shock sets in as soon as his eyes land on you. For a brief moment you can hardly believe that it’s real, that you’re  seeing him  in person and not just in the memories that haunt you during the dark hours of night. But there he is, living his dream right in front of your very eyes. 

He stands in front of the crowd, guitar in hand. The bright spotlight is so white it almost hurts your eyes, but once your vision adjusts you’re struck by the sight of him. He’s slightly sweaty and disheveled, his jacket open  and hair already sweaty and messy. He’s never looked more handsome than he does standing on that stage. He stands still for a moment, the shock of seeing you here has shaken him to the core, that is obvious to you. But he quickly shakes it off, and continues with the show, playing for the crowd that is screaming his name.

By the third song you are having to pick your jaw up off the floor. The way he is working the crowd is a vast difference from the last time you watched him play, still shy and unsure of himself on stage. He’s got a presence to him now, a confidence that you don’t remember seeing when you first watched him play years before. It shows in the way he moves on the stage, in the way he plays to the crowd, and in the way he works the guitar like it’s an extension of himself. He plays his heart out for the next hour, his movements smooth and precise. Jake is in his element just like he always knew he would be. 

The encore is upon you, and you can’t wait for him to be back on stage. Finally, he bounds up to the stage again, his energy and excitement at an all time high. You can tell he’s having the time of his life, the lights and cheers making him feel like he could fly. Josh is right behind him, grabbing the microphone and beginning to speak. “Thank you all for an incredible night,” he yells to the crowd, “But we’re not done yet. How about another one?” The room fills with loud cheers again. Your heart feels like it might burst out of your chest as Jake turns his body to look at you, pointing his guitar in your direction as he acknowledges you. Your cheeks are on fire as he sends you a smile, Karen grabbing your arm as she watches the interaction. 

“Told you he’d be happy to see you,” she shouts over the music. 

You feel overwhelmed with emotion and excitement; not just by the fact that he spotted you in this giant crowd, but also by the fact that he is so clearly expressing a level of happiness because you’re here right now. The connection you feel to him is unlike anything you’ve felt in a long time.

He finishes the show with his heart on his sleeve. It ends on an incredibly high note, and he takes one last bow to the crowd as they start to leave. He starts walking off the stage, Josh in tow and you realize that now, you will go backstage with Karen and you’ll  have to face him. 

“Alright honey, you up for saying hello?” she asks, both of you making your way out of the aisle and towards the floor. 

Your body is shaking with nerves as you answer her, “Yeah, I should. It’s been too long.”

You and Karen make your way to the back where the band is waiting, still a little winded from the show. A few roadies are already packing up the stage equipment, and the crew is helping to dismantle the set. There is so much going on behind the scenes that you had no clue about. So many moving parts and pieces. 

Karen ushers you back towards the dressing rooms, each of the guys having their own space to dress and prepare. When did they get so fancy?

“Okay, Jake should be right through there, I’m going to go find Josh. Come find me if you need anything.” she says, leaving you at his dressing room door. 

Your hands are shaking, you’re unsure if you’ll even be able to raise your hand to knock. You smooth out your skirt and take a deep breath, fixing your hair a little as you try to calm your nerves. It’s Jake. It’s just Jake. 

Finally getting over the shock and nervousness, you knock softly on the door. You hear shuffling behind the door and your heart starts to pound in your ears. You hear him call out through the door, “Just a minute.”

Your heart jumps into your throat as you hear his voice through the door. It sounds like he’s just getting out of the shower, and with a towel wrapped around his waist he opens the door. The shock on his face is undeniable as he sees you standing there. He was expecting anything but you. “Pops,” he whispers, saying your name as if he were trying to convince himself that you were real.

“H-hi Jake,” you stammer, your nerves making themselves known. 

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just staring at you in disbelief. He’s still dripping wet from the shower, beads of water running down his bare chest. His face relaxes and a familiar softness sets in, a soft smile crossing his face. “You’re really here.” His gaze roams over your body, drinking in every inch.  

“Yeah, I'm here. You were–you were so amazing, I–”

It’s as if the sound of your voice brings a wave of peace over him, and before you know it he’s pulling you into a tight embrace, his body still damp from the shower. He pulls you against him, your body pressed to his bare chest. He buries his face into the crook of your neck, and you can feel his breath on  your skin as he holds you. “I’m so fucking happy to see you,” he murmurs. 

You hug him back, feeling all the guilt and nerves melt away from you, in a way that only he can manage. You can feel the water starting to seep through your clothes, and you pull away, looking between you with a smile. “You're wet, and naked,” you laugh. 

He blushes at your words, suddenly remembering that he’s still just wrapped in a towel. “Shit,” he says, feeling an unusual shyness that he usually doesn’t feel around you. He steps back to the side of the door, holding it open for you to enter as he gives you a nervous smile. “Come in, just give me a sec and I'll change.”

“I can wait out here if you want, I know that we–”

“No, come in Pops. Please,” he says firmly, the towel still wrapped around him. It’s still hard to take your eyes off of his bare chest, but you walk into the room, trying to keep your focus on anything but him, not wanting to stare too long. 

You watch as he saunters across the room, his long brown hair down to the middle of his back now, and dripping with water. You swallow harshly as your eyes travel over the curve of his ass in the towel, but you pull your eyes away before he turns around. He grabs a bag and slips into the bathroom, pushing the door shut behind him. You can hear a nasty cough come from behind the door and you furrow your brows. Is he sick?

You stand there by the couch, suddenly noticing the small bottle of cough syrup sitting at the edge of the side table. A few moments later, he emerges from the bathroom, dressed in worn jeans and a clean white t-shirt. He sits down on the couch and he lets out another few coughs, trying to clear his throat as he looks up at you. “Sit down,” he says, gesturing towards the spot next to him on the couch. 

You take a seat next to him, and let out a soft breath. “Are you feeling okay?” you ask. 

The cough is still in his throat, but he nods. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just have this damn cough that I can’t seem to shake.” He looks you up and down, finally being able to observe you as closely as he wants to since you showed up at the venue. “You look great,” he says, a warm smile on his lips. 

You blush at his words, your eyes meeting his. The one thing about him that’s stayed the same over the years. “Thank you,” you say shyly. 

His smile turns into a grin, the same boyish smile that you’ve always loved. “Of course.” He lets his gaze linger on your face, drinking you in as if he’s trying to memorize every little detail. He’s unable to keep his hands to himself, and before you know it he’s reached towards you. His fingers wrap around your wrist, and he gently pulls your arm towards him.

The feeling of his skin against yours causes the dam to break, “Jake, I–”

He doesn’t let go as he lets both of your hands rest in his lap. That same electricity that used to pass between you is there, and you can tell that the connection you’ve always had is as strong as ever despite the distance. He speaks softly, knowing how heavy the air between you two is. “I know.”

“No, please I–” you start, but you’re quickly cut off as the dressing room door flies open and a blonde woman, around the same age as you steps inside. 

The sudden intrusion is like a bucket of ice water, and you pull your hands away from him as if you’ve been caught doing something wrong. He looks back at you, his expression soft and apologetic before he looks up at the new presence in the room. You look over at Jake, expecting to see some kind of reaction from him, but he actually just looks mildly annoyed.

“Hey, Viv,” he answers, turning his body to face her. She looks between the two of you, an expression on her face you can’t quite decipher.

She gives him a small smile, and she doesn’t even glance in your direction as she walks into the room. You try to stay as small as possible, as if trying not to be seen. She crosses her arms as she stands on the other side of the room. “How did the show go?” she asks, her voice is casual and unbothered. You suddenly feel like you shouldn’t be here. 

“Was fine, got a little winded and lightheaded by encore,” he answers and she nods her head. 

“Well, the crowd was big tonight and it got hot, plus all the lights. That'd make anybody winded,” she says, still keeping her focus on him. You sit there, feeling slightly uncomfortable, wondering why she seems so comfortable in his space. She starts to dig around in the bag on her shoulder and you turn to look at Jake. 

The whole situation feels weird, and you don't understand why she is just standing there, going through her purse, while you and Jake sit there. His eyes flick over to you and you can see slight annoyance in them as he looks back at her.

Then it hits you like a ton of bricks. She’s not just some stranger. She’s here with Jake. For Jake. Oh god how could you be so stupid. Of course he’s seeing someone. You quickly shoot up, grabbing your bag and tossing it over your shoulder as quickly as you can, feeling so stupid to think tonight would be the night you’d work things out. She’s waiting for you to leave. 

Jake’s eyes go wide as he sees what you’re doing, “Wait, no, Pops, where are you going?” He stands up from the couch, reaching his hand out to grab your arm but you pull away from him.

“I’m sorry– I didn’t know. I– You were amazing tonight, I’m sorry I–I didn’t know you— I’ll go–” you stammer, making your way to the door.  

Jake practically lunges across the room, reaching the door at the same time you do. He turns you around to face him, the panic in his eyes apparent. “No, don’t go, let me explain–”

“No, no, you don’t have to. I understand. I shouldn’t have come back here. I don’t belong back here. I’m sorry,” you mumble pushing your way through the heavy wooden door.

“Poppy!” you hear him shout, his voice echoing through the busy hallway as you search for the nearest exit. You don’t turn around. You refuse to look back and let him see you like this. Your heart is absolutely more crushed than it ever has been, but you should have expected it. He is a rockstar and you’re…just Y/N.

He moved on, he found someone else to confide in. Someone that matches him. Someone else to trust with his secrets. Someone else to think of day and night, and finally you understand how he felt that night so long ago. Replaced. 

You hear his voice fade as you walk out of the venue, leaving your heart behind you in a single, devastating moment. The warm night is replaced by a cold breeze as you step out, the tears falling down your face as you realize the past was just that. The past.

Frankenmuth, Michigan

December 31, 2022

The air is frigid outside, you’re sure this is the coldest winter you’ve ever experienced, even growing up here. There aren’t enough layers in the world, let alone in your suitcase. Thankfully in just two days you will be back home in Detroit where it's not too much warmer, but definitely not as cold as Frankenmuth. You’ve been home for the last two weeks visiting your parents, not seeing them nearly enough since you started at the law firm after graduation. It’s been nice to be home, but something about it feels different now. You are riddled with nostalgia and the memories seem to come back with a vengeance the longer you’re here. Memories you have all but pushed away lately, not letting them into your heart as you once did. Currently you and your parents are sitting in front of the fireplace sipping on wine as you watch the Rockin’ New Year’s Eve special on TV. The wine is warming you up a bit, but not nearly enough. 

You’ve now brushed off dozens of invites from co-workers and even some old friends who are out on the town tonight, celebrating ringing in the new year. You know you should go, but something is telling you not to. Even your parents asked why you’re spending the evening at home instead of seeing old friends. You wish you had a good answer for them, but you don't.

“You really should go, honey,” your mom continues, finishing off her glass of red. “You’re only young once.”

“I know, but I just…I feel so disconnected from this place. I haven’t talked to these people since highschool,” you pause, “I just feel like I’m better off here.”

“I agree with your mother, hon,” your dad adds, “It will be good for you to get out. All you do is work these days. You deserve a night off.”

You let their words sink in as you look at your phone, seeing the ignored text from your old friend Isabelle begging you to meet her at Tiffany’s for a drink. Honestly, the thought of stepping into that bar again rattles you. 

“Just one drink hon, ring in the new year,” your dad says, sending you an encouraging wink. 

You look at her text again and let out a sigh, “Alright, fine. Maybe you’re right. It would be okay to let loose just a little. Tonight of all nights.”

“Thatta girl,” he says, nodding his head. 

With the decision made you text Isabelle back, letting her know you will meet her there in thirty as you rush upstairs to change into something that isn't sweatpants and a hoodie.

 It’s an eerie feeling walking into this bar, a place you used to frequent so often, so long ago. It’s been years since you've been back but it's exactly the same as you left it. The dining patrons are long gone, making way for the locals that use the bartop as their own personal therapy space, but tonight it’s a little different. It’s New Year's Eve and the bar is filled with unfamiliar faces. Of course, there are a few you recognize from high school, that much you expected. The air in the bar is much warmer than the air outside, thanks to the large group of people filling the small space. The lights are dim and music is playing from the old jukebox in the corner. The floor is already sticky from spilled drinks, and the air smells faintly of cigarettes. 

“I’m gonna grab a drink, what do you want?” Isabelle asks, snaking her way through a group of people. 

“Whatever you’re having is fine,” you answer, knowing it doesn't really matter. 

She disappears into the crowd and you look around in search of a table you can ditch your jacket at. Most are taken, but you spot one in a corner with no occupants. You walk briskly towards it, throwing your jacket down onto the inevitably sticky table top as you sit and wait for Isabelle. You let your eyes wander through the bar picking out familiar faces, and even taking in some new ones, but you can’t seem to shake the feeling of uneasiness you’ve had since you walked through the door. Something is different, you just don’t know what. 

A few minutes later a drink is placed in front of you that looks to be a whiskey and coke, and you secretly cheer that it's not something overly sweet. 

“Made them a double cause the lines’ a bitch,” she says, taking her first gulp.

“Good call,” you smile, taking your own sip and letting the bubbles burn the back of your throat. Maybe your dad was right. You did need this. You and Isabelle sit and talk for a little while, letting the alcohol seep into your system and cast away your cares. But then you hear something. Something you haven’t heard in a long time. A song from long ago that has made a permanent home in your memories. 

Through the crappy speakers you hear the opening notes to “Good Lovin’ Gone Bad” by Bad Company. You smile to yourself, thinking back on just how many times Jake played that album that summer. You both had practically every single lyric memorized by the time you left for college. A pang shoots through your chest as you picture him in your mind, and your mood suddenly sours. 

“Hey, I’m gonna hit the bathroom real quick,” you pause, “Save our table?”

“Duh, see you in a few,” she says, taking another gulp of her drink. 

You begin to make your way to the bathroom, needing a minute to yourself to freshen up and get Jake out of your head. You finally make your way to the opposite side of the bar, the bathrooms in your sight. But much to your surprise, something else oddly familiar catches your eye and your heart lurches up to your throat. No. It can’t be. 

His back is towards you, but you would recognize his shoulders and hair anywhere. You spot him with a group of guys, all drinking and having a good time. A wave of nostalgia hits hard, remembering how things were back in the day before you both went your separate ways and he shot to stardom. The way you could walk up to him without second guessing it. Now you’re not so sure you can. 

You try to turn around and walk away, knowing it's best to just go, but something has you frozen to the floor. You can see the way he holds the crowd at the bar, telling stories and cracking jokes in the same way he did at parties back in high school. He's a star in every sense of the word, but when the laughter fades for a second, you can almost see the sadness underneath it all. 

He doesn’t notice you, at least you think he doesn’t, as you push forward and rush into the bathroom. Your heart is pumping harder than it has in months and you feel like you might be sick. There is no way you are going to be able to get out of this bar without talking to him, so you decide you need to pull it together and pretend like he isn’t even here. 

You fix your make up, and smooth down your hair, taking a good long look in the mirror. You’ve got this. It’s just Jake. You take a few deep breaths and square your shoulders, preparing to face him and any uncomfortable conversation that may follow. You open the door and walk out into the bar, looking around as you do. You don't see him at the bar he was at before and for a split second your brain doesn't register that fact at all, but as you make your way out to the dance floor you look a few tables over and realize he is standing there, with his hands in his pockets watching you with the same intensity you’ve always seen from him.  

He looks so handsome and he doesn’t even know it. His long brown hair hanging over his shoulders, his corduroy shirt hanging open and messy over his t-shirt. He is exactly the Jake you’ve always known. The Jake you always wanted. There’s a mustache, too, you notice. The accent of hair, complimenting his upper lip in a way that has your entire chest heating. It’s the perfect touch to his pretty face, adding a masculine touch that you hadn’t known was necessary for his overall aura until this moment. 

Because god did he look impossibly more alluring with that addition. 

You know it’s only a matter of time before you two speak, and you have no idea what he is thinking. But for once, Jake doesn’t hide his feelings from you, his eyes are glued to you, refusing to look away. Willing you to come to him, and your body listens. 

You walk towards him, each step feeling heavier than the last, as if you're walking through quicksand. Your eyes stay locked on his face despite the nervousness running through your veins, and you can feel the electricity pouring off of him. He looks like he wants to say something, but he just stares at you. You can feel the memories of you together crashing through your head like a wave. You get closer and closer, the world around you fading away, until you’re standing right in front of him.

“It was you, wasn’t it. The song,” you ask, putting the pieces together immediately. “You knew I was here. You knew I would recognize it.”

His jaw clenches in response, and he lets a sad smile touch his lips before he says anything. “Yeah, it was. I saw you walk in. I knew it’d work,” he replies, the familiar rasp in his voice is softer than you remember, but still as deep and soothing as ever.

“Guess you were right,”  you smirk, watching as his body language starts to soften.

He lets a soft chuckle escape, and he relaxes a little bit. You can see the tension melting away from his shoulders. “Some things never change, huh?” he says, his eyes roaming over your face and body briefly, taking in every detail he can. 

“I didn’t know you were home,” you confess.

“I didn’t know you were home.” he says gently, the ghost of a smile on his lips. He looks down for a moment, as if he’s trying to find the right words. “I should’ve told you.”

You nod your head, “I could’ve called you too,” you pause, biting your lip, “It’s just ever since that night–”

“That night was not what you think. I wish you would’ve let me explain, Pops.” he urges, his hand reaching out to rest on your arm. 

“It's- It's the past now Jake, you don't owe me anything,” you answer, the nickname searing a sore spot in your heart. 

“Bullshit,” he snaps. “You know exactly what I owe you. But I’m not going to talk to you about this in a bar, surrounded by all these people,” he drops his hand from your arm, running it through his hair instead. “Come with me, please.”

You look around for Isabelle, but of course she is nowhere to be found, “Okay.”

He leads you out the back door of the bar, into the cool winter air. He pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and grabs one, placing it between his teeth before lighting it just as quickly. He looks over at you for a moment, watching as you rub your arms to keep warm. “You’re cold,” he observes, noticing the goosebumps on your exposed skin.

“My jacket is inside,” you answer.

He shrugs off his corduroy shirt, draping it over your shoulders, before pulling you in a bit closer to him. The smell of tobacco and his cologne overwhelm your senses as he presses against your side. The heat radiating off of him is warm, and you instinctively bring the shirt closer around you, breathing in the familiar smell of him.

“Listen, Pops,” he pauses, taking another drag of his cigarette, “I’ve wanted to call you a hundred times since that night, explain what you think you saw…” 

It hurts you to know he's thought about it too. “So why didn't you?”

“I was scared,” he admits bluntly, a cloud of smoke escaping his lips as he does. “You are the last person that I ever wanted to hurt, believe me. But you didn’t even let me get a word in. You left and just…” he sighs. “I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself. Still don’t. I think we are here right now in this shitty ass bar because the universe decided it was time for us to figure this shit out.”

“Maybe it is,” you agree. 

He lets out a long exhale of smoke, his breath visible in the cold air. “You’ve always been smarter than me,” he says, throwing his cigarette to the ground and shoving his hands into his pockets. “I don’t know where to start, but I need you to hear me out here.”

“I'm listening,” you answer. 

He paces to the edge of the sidewalk, running a nervous hand through his hair as he tries to compose himself. He takes a deep breath before he speaks again. “I know you think you know what you saw that night, but it wasn’t… That woman, Viv– Vivienne, she is our Tour Medic. Like our travel doctor. A few days before that show…I’d been sick. I didn’t want to admit it then, but I will now. I was sick, too sick. I shouldn’t have been performing. We needed to cancel those shows. I hid it the best I could, and I shouldn’t have and it made it all worse,” he pauses. “That night she came in to check on me after the show. I’d avoided her as long as I could and I think she just knew. She was coming to tell me that she was taking me to the hospital for my cough. She and I both knew it wasn’t normal and my time was up.”

“I– Yeah, I remember…I asked you…”

“I know. I know you did. Even you knew. I was going to tell you… But then, you– I don’t know you just freaked on me, and left. I wanted to explain but I wasn’t ready to admit what was going on.” he pauses, his lips trembling from the cold. “I went to the hospital that night and found out I had pneumonia. Bad. I– I was there for three days. I laid in that hospital bed and replayed you running out over and over again, Poppy. I wanted to call you and tell you but I just couldn’t. I was drained mentally and physically.”

“Jake, oh my god– I– I feel so stupid– I’m so sorry–”

“No, Pops, it’s not your fault. I know how it looked. I was just being too selfish to tell the truth.” he admits. “But now, you know.”

“You were in the hospital, Jake. I had no idea, I–We used to tell each other everything…What if something happened to you and I–” you trail off. 

His body tenses at your words, and his expression morphs into a mixture of guilt and regret. “No, you’re right,” he says, defeated. “I was just…ashamed, I guess, that my body was failing me. It was such a low point…But I shouldn’t have let you walk out like that. I should have chased after you.” He looks back over at you, your face illuminated by the glowing neon bar signs and slowly he brings his hand to cup your cheek. “I can’t believe I let you go.”

Suddenly you hear the inside of the bar erupt with cheering and the loud countdown starting. “It’s almost midnight,” you whisper. 

He looks back at the bar, then back at you, “I guess it is. I didn’t even realize it.” He says, his eyes glued to your face. The countdown gets closer and closer, and you can tell he is nervous. He looks almost afraid as he continues to talk. “I’ve really missed you, Y/N. I’ve thought about you so many times over these past few years, and it feels like no time has passed, but everything has changed,” he pauses, “I wish things could go back to the way it was.”

The world feels so still in this moment, even with all the ruckus inside the bar. “Ten seconds,” you note, eyes glued to his face as his warm hand rests on your cheek. He steps forward, his body so close to yours that you feel as though you’ll become one in this moment. The cold forgotten, his body almost feverish beside you. He runs his thumb across your cheek, his eyes glued to yours as the countdown gets lower and lower.

“Jake,” you whisper, your voice trembling with want. 

He takes another step closer, his body inches apart from yours, and his lips only a breath away from yours “Poppy,” he whispers, his hot, shaky breath caressing your skin as he does. “I need you.”

“Three, two, one…”

Everyone in the bar cheers all around you. He’s so close now, you can hear the sharp inhales that are escaping his lips, and in the moments after the chaos of the New Year erupts, he closes the distance between the two of you. His lips are on yours in seconds, his hand pulling you in, his touch soft and needy.

The kiss is slow, it’s as if time has frozen in this sweet, tender moment. His hands slide into your hair, bringing your face to his, wanting all of you. The kiss is quickly growing desperate and needy. He pushes you against the brick wall of the building, his body pressing into yours, your heart racing as his hand moves from your hair to your waist. He gently lifts your leg pulling it around his waist as this kiss of reunion deepens even more. It’s  filled with emotion and years of wanting, and your body is filled with an overwhelming sense of electricity.

He kisses you with everything he's got. His body craving your touch for so long. He pulls your body against his, wanting to feel every inch of you that he can. He deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth effortlessly, as if he’s memorized every curve, every crevice. You feel your stomach churning with need for him. The need for more.

You bring your hands up to wrap around his shoulders, the kiss getting deeper and more desperate with each passing moment. His arm snakes around your waist, pulling you tighter against his body, as if he can’t stand to have you away from him for even a second. You can feel the heat radiating off of him, and he lets out a low moan, his need for you stronger than ever. It’s as if no time has passed at all. Suddenly you’re right back in his basement kissing him for the first time. 

You break the kiss, his name falling from your lips as your eyes open to meet his. “Jake...”

“P-Pops,” he stutters, struggling to find the words through his ragged breaths. “Fuck, I never should’ve let you go. It’s you, it’s always been you.” He presses his forehead against yours, his eyes closed, his grip on you just as tight, if not tighter. “You– You just light a fire in me that everyone else seems to put out.”

You let your lips press a soft kiss to the side of his jaw before moving to his ear, “I’ll always be the one with a match to bring you back.”

“Goddamnit, Poppy,” His eyes flutter shut, and you can see that the sensation of your lips on his skin has driven him towards a bliss he hadn't experienced in a long, long time. The way your body fits against his is as natural now as it's ever been. It's as if you were molded to fit in his arms– as if nothing else in the world could ever feel as perfect as this. “I never want to let you go. I'm so goddamn sick of letting you go,” he whispers.

The desire is growing between your legs, and you can feel the evidence of his pressed against your stomach. Instinctively you rub against him, causing a growl to leave his chest. You’re no longer eighteen in the basement. You’re adults who need more. 

He moves his body against yours, a low moan rising from his throat as he does. It’s as if he can feel the fire he’s lit up inside of you, and he’s desperate to fan the flames of the inferno that has always been there. “I’ve missed you so damn much,” he gasps, his hands starting to roam over your body. “Say you feel this. Say you feel it too.”

“I've always felt it Jake. Always.”

He buries his face in the crook of your neck, leaving small kisses, before sinking his teeth in gently. His hands are everywhere, as if he can't decide where he wants to touch first. He presses himself against you, his body flushed with need. “I want you,” he whispers, his words hot against your skin.

“I want you.” you pant, arching your neck to give him more. 

He takes full advantage, his lips and teeth working their way up and down your neck, leaving a trail of marks in their wake. He can feel your need growing, and he responds to it with his own. He presses his body against yours with a primal force, his hand moving  to cup your face, bringing your lips back to his. The kiss is hungry and needy, his tongue slipping into your mouth, searching for what he has been missing as his free hand  finds the waistband of your jeans. 

His hand begins to make a slow descent into your jeans, his rough fingertips sliding against your soft delicate skin. They brush the hem of your panties as his tongue continues to memorize yours. Your heart is pounding, your body aching for his touch where you need it most as the sound of “Auld Lang Syne” and distant fireworks boom around you. 

A soft sound of need escapes from the back of your throat, the anticipation of his touch building an excruciating ache between your thighs. He uses his thumb to brush against the front of your panties, teasing you, as he breaks the kiss to whisper against your skin. “Do you know how badly I want you?” he asks, his voice low and rough, before returning to your neck and biting down softly. 

You nod against him, still breathing harder than ever. He takes his time, his fingers running a lazy path against your skin, and you feel the heat growing between your legs as his touch gets closer.

He lets his fingers graze over the thin lace material of your underwear, gently tracing up and down in an agonizingly careful manner. His lips break away from your neck and move instead to your ear, his teeth taking the lobe gently. “I’ve dreamed about you like this, every night since the last time we touched,” he whispers, his voice raspy and low. “I’ve ached to feel your skin on mine, your body trembling under my touch.”

You feel his fingers move lower and lower until the heat of his touch is coated in your desire for him. “Jake,” you whine, totally lost in this moment with him. 

His breath catches in his throat when he feels just how much you want him, and he lets out a low moan that makes your whole body tremble. “Fuck,” he whispers, his fingers tracing slow circles over your warm sensitive flesh. His lips find their way back to your neck, his hot breath fanning over your skin, making your spine tingle as you whine.

“Shhh,” he coo’s, silencing your whimpers with a soft kiss. He slips his fingers past the fabric, his touch growing more intense as he finally finds what he’s been craving this whole time. “So soft. So beautiful,” he gasps. He moves his hand in a gentle rhythm, his fingers slipping between your folds, finding your sweet spot effortlessly. You feel euphoric, and at complete mercy to his touch. “Can you feel me? Can you feel what you do to me?”

“Yes,” you whine, “I feel everything.”

His fingers move faster as they dip inside, trying to get as deep inside of you as he can, desperate to feel every inch of you. “I dreamed up a hundred different ways to make you fall apart in my arms,” he whispers, his eyes locking on yours, “and nothing comes close to reality. Come home with me, Pops. Stay with me.”

Just as you start to feel your release creeping closer, the bar door slams next to you, pulling you both from the moment. Your eyes snap to Jake’s and his to yours as he quickly realizes the compromising position you’re in, removing his hand from your jeans. 

He quickly steps back, straightening his shirt as you desperately try to regain your composure. You look around, hoping that whoever walked out of the bar doesn't look your way and catch you two in the state you were in. You're both panting, breaths ragged and desperate, and forced to ignore the needy ache that lingers between your legs.

It's as if a bucket of water has been dumped over your head, making you see clearly. Your eyes meet Jake's, his expression still waiting for you to answer his question. But as this rush of clarity takes hold of you, you realize exactly what you've done. 

Your eyes are glued to each other, but this now feels different. Everything feels different. It’s as if the air around you is suddenly thick with unspoken words, the gravity of the situation crashing down around you both. He’s just staring at you, his chest still heaving as he tries to slow his own breathing. He clears his throat, breaking the silence that hangs in the air. “Poppy…”

Your head begins shaking, “No, Jake, we– we can’t do this– we…”

You're at battle with your own mind, fighting for what you want versus what you know is right. 

His whole body goes rigid, the disappointment in your words written all over his face. He lets out a shaky breath, as if it physically pains him, “No– Don’t say that, we can, Poppy, please,” he begs softly.

“Jake we– we’re strangers. We know nothing about each other anymore. We– You’re a rockstar, you live in Nashville. I live in Detroit, I finally work for a firm. This is what we wanted. Isn’t it? This was our dream right? We can’t– You can’t…”

He swallows hard, trying to process what you’re telling him. You know you’re right, this is what you both wanted. He runs a nervous hand through his hair, his eyes looking for something to distract him from the crushing reality you just threw out in front of him.

“I know,” he whispers. He takes a deep breath, his mind and body still screaming to hold you. But the reality of it all is hitting you both like a train, and he’s trying desperately to keep his mind present in the moment. “I know all of that…I just–I don’t give a damn that I’m a rockstar, or that you live in Detroit,” he mutters, a defensive tone to his voice, “It’s you that’s missing, Pops. All day. All night. It’s you that’s in my head day in and day out. I want you. I always will. That is never going to change. We will never be strangers.”

Tears start to form in your eyes at his confession. You want to go with him. Run away and pretend nothing else matters. But it does, and you can’t. It can never be, no matter how badly you both want it.

His voice cracks, and he can feel the walls around his heart starting to crumble as he looks at you. He reaches out, taking your face in his hands, his thumb brushing over your cheek softly. “It’s always been you, Poppy. It will always be you,” he whispers, his hand continuing to graze over your skin as if he was trying to memorize every tiny detail. “So please, just– forget it all. Come home with me.”

Your lips begin to tremble, knowing that you’re about to break his heart. Again. “Jake… I can’t.” you say, letting a tear slip from your eye. 

You see the moment the weight of your words hits him, like a slow motion car crash that feels unavoidable. The look of complete defeat on his face makes you want to take it all back, tell him that you’re just as desperate as he is to throw everything aside. But you can’t. It’s just not possible. He lets his hands fall slowly from your face, and the space between your two bodies growing feels like your heart shattering all over again. “Okay.”

For some reason, that breaks you, your tears falling faster now as you see the pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” you breathe, leaning in to kiss him softly one last time. 

He returns your kiss with his own, gently taking your face in his palms. It’s as if he’s committing the feel of you to memory, the way he’s holding you, the way your lips fit so perfectly together. He doesn’t want to let go, and he holds the kiss as long as he can, until breathing becomes a desperate fight for air. When he finally does break the kiss, he whispers against your lips just loud enough for you to hear, “It’s still us, Pops.” and with that, he lets you go, leaving him there as small snow flurries begin to fall to the ground. 

With a heavy heart you finally make your way inside your childhood home, tossing your coat onto the couch. You collapse into your bed, letting the tears fall now that you’re alone in your solitude again. You can hear the snow falling harder now, tapping against your bedroom window.  You can still feel the faint remnants of his touch on your skin, his warmth lingering in your heart as you remember the taste of his lips. Jake. Your Jake. Yours for only minutes before you pushed him away. But you know it's for the best. 

You drag yourself up from the bed and change into your cozy pajamas, realizing you are still wearing Jake’s shirt. You bring it to your nose and breathe in his smell, sending you into a new round of tears. You put the shirt back on and crawl back into bed, needing to feel his presence close to you. You bring the neck of the shirt up, enveloping yourself in it like a blanket, your body still trembling with need.

It feels like it's been hours. You're exhausted, but your mind still won't put Jake to rest. There’s no escaping the fact that you're still just as hopelessly in love with him as you were the first time you met. As if he is thinking of you too, your phone buzzes next to your head, his name illuminating the screen with a text. 

Jake 1:42 AM: I keep thinking about what happened. I can still taste you on my lips. I know what you said, and I understand but I can’t let it be over, Pops. I just can’t.

Your heart shatters reading his message. You know how he feels because you feel the exact same way. You don’t even know what to say to him, so you just don’t. You lock your phone and put it back on your nightstand, turning off the lamp and attempting to sleep this terrible, beautiful night away. There is, however, an unbelievable thrum between your legs that you can’t seem to ignore. 

You toss and turn, trying so hard to sleep, but it’s pointless. The only thought going through your brain is of Jake. That deep need for him is building in intensity, your body wanting his touch desperately, your mind remembering every detail of the time you spent wrapped together against the building just an hour ago. You let your hand wander down beneath the sheets, your fingers pushing beneath the waistband of your pants.

He’s all you can think of. It’s as if the flood gates are now wide open, and you’re finally allowing yourself to let Jake occupy every space in your mind and body, and there is nothing else you need. You close your eyes, but all you can see is Jake’s face. His strong, handsome features, the way his lips form as he speaks…

With your eyes shut tight, you picture his body hovering over yours. The scent of him, his touch, the way his body felt against yours as he leaned into you. You let yourself fantasize about him being here with you, wanting you and only you. You imagine the way his lips felt all over your skin, the way he let his teeth graze over your neck and collarbone. The memory of it makes you shiver and your fingers work faster and faster, seeking the release you’ve craved for so long.

You feel like you’re right at the peak of surrendering to this imaginary version of him, when you hear your phone start to ring. Your eyes shoot open as you pull your hand from under your sheets. You reach for your phone but this time your brain is too hazy to think clearly. You see his name on the screen, along with a picture of him you set as his photo years ago. Against your better judgement you slide your thumb across the screen, needing to hear his voice. 

“Hello?” you breathe, your voice coming out as a breathy pant. 

His voice sounds soft and vulnerable, “Hey…” he breathes, sighing on the other end of the line, “I didn’t think you’d answer…I was just laying here, can’t sleep. I don’t know why I called, I just, I saw you read my text earlier and you didn’t answer– I don’t want this to be us. I never want that.”

“I know,” you pause, trying to even your breathing, “I'm sorry.”

“How can this be it?” his voice sounds strained now, the emotion in it pulling at your heart, “How is this the end? I can't make sense of it, all I can think about is you.”

Hearing his deep, gravely voice has your hand slipping back under the sheets, resuming its previous work. “I– I never said it was the end…”

“The way you walked away sure made it seem that way,” he says, and it breaks you in two. 

“It took everything I had Jake, you have to know that,” you say, your voice even more breathy than before and you know that you need to calm down before he takes notice, but the sound of his voice has your hand continuing to move. 

He notices the slight change in your tone, picking up on the way your breathing gets more shallow and more uneven, “Are…Are you okay? You sound…different. Where are you? You sound like you’re out of breath.”

“I'm at home now. In my bed,” you pause, breathing into the phone, “Where are you?”

He lets out a shaky sigh into the phone. You know he’s figured it out, and if you know him like you think you do he isn’t going to change the subject. 

He wants nothing more than to be there, to hear every noise he could pull out of you, to feel every shiver and tremble as he worships every inch of your body. “I’m…I’m in my bed too. But I haven’t turned the light off yet.”

“Turn it off, Jake,” you breathe. 

Your self control is gone. You want this. No, you need this.

You can hear him inhale a sharp, stuttering breath, a quiet, breathy moan escaping him as he takes in your words. He knows what you’re asking for. He’s wanted it in some form for years. The phone jostles a few times before he says, “Done.”

You hum in response, continuing to run your fingers through your soaking wet folds. Something about the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne wrapped around you has you soaking in this moment and throwing your cares to the wind. 

“Let me send an Uber, Poppy, please,” he manages to breathe, the desperation in his words sending a shiver down your spine. “Come to my hotel. I fucking hate not finishing what I start.”

“So finish it,” you tease. 

“God damn. Get in the Uber, Y/N.”

“No, no Uber. Just this. Just...talk to me Jake,” you whine.

His breath catches in his throat and he lets out a groan, the sound going straight to your core. You can hear him moving around in his bed, shifting to a more comfortable position, the sheets rustling as he does. You know he wants to touch himself, but he’s trying to resist. “I don’t know if I can just talk. Not knowing you’re…like that.” 

“For what it’s worth, you felt better,” you confess in an airy breath. 

“Fuck, Pops,” he groans, “You don’t even know how many times I’ve thought about you like that. I’d die to have you on my fingers again.”

“I want you,” you breathe, “But I know this is the only way I can have you.”

He is quiet for a bit, the only sounds you can hear from him are the heavy breaths he’s trying so hard to control. You’re picturing it all, imagining exactly what he looks like on the other end of the line.“You can have me,” he whispers, his voice low and rough, “I’m all yours, baby.”

“You've never been mine, Jake…”

“I’ve always been yours,” his words are spoken quickly, his voice almost a pleading whine. “I’ve always been yours. You’ve always been mine. I’ve only ever wanted you.”

His words sear through you, your fingers circling your clit faster now, causing a whine of pleasure to leave your chest. 

“Fucking hell, Poppy.” His voice comes through the phone, raw and ragged. “Are you…Is there a way…Can I see you at least?”

You think about it for a second, and you know the sight of him will send you straight to that sweet release you've been chasing all night. “Only if you join me…” you counter. 

“Do you think my hand isn’t already wrapped around my cock, listening to you whimper like that? Thinking about you touching yourself in all the ways I’ve dreamed of?”

“Show me, Jake.” you breathe. 

You quickly switch your phone to Facetime, your thumb hesitating over the call button. You know that there’s no coming back from this, but you can’t help yourself. You need to see him, and you’re not going to let your fear stop either of you from taking what you both want. “Answer the call.”

You press the button and watch as his face fills your screen, his chest heaving with each ragged breath he takes, his silver necklace laying against his body. He’s propped up against the headboard, his skin flushed with a light sheen of sweat that makes your body heat up even more. “You…” he whispers, “God, look at you. You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

“Jake…” you moan his name, your hand moving faster and faster.

“Fuck, you sound so pretty. I can’t….I need…” he stops, unable to find the right words.

You stop suddenly, realizing that he can’t see that much of you. “Hold on,” you say, dropping your phone to the bed as you peel your shirt over your head, leaving your chest exposed. This will be the first time he’s seen you like this, but you feel more confident than ever. You prop your phone up on a pillow, allowing him the full visual of you. 

He sucks in a sharp breath as your shirt comes off, his eyes going wide as he stares at your bare chest, completely mesmerized by you. “Jesus Christ,” he whispers, his eyes glued to your body, “You are so perfect. It’s not even possible that someone is this perfect,” You watch his hand move, disappearing under the sheets and moving slowly down his body until he starts to move the sheets so you can watch. “I want you to see me, too.”

It’s dark but you watch as he props his phone up the same way, giving you the exact same view. His cock is hard and throbbing in his hand, bigger than you ever dreamed of, but exactly what you felt beneath his pants at the bar tonight. “Jake, I wish–”

“Say it,” he responds quickly, unable to wait another second to hear your words. He’s almost painfully hard right now, but he needs to hear it all. “Please say it, baby. Talk to me.”

The new pet name sends you spiraling, admitting things you would never admit in the light of day. “I want to feel you. I need to know how you would feel inside of me. I need you, Jake. All of you,” you whine, watching his hand stroke his cock a little faster. 

“Fuck, I’ve never wanted anything like I want that. I need you, too. I need to feel every single inch of your body. I need to do all the things I’ve dreamed about. You have no idea how many times I’ve laid here thinking of you. Wishing that I had you in my bed.” He stops his hand, trying to keep his mind together. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything,” you answer. 

He pauses for a moment, as if he’s afraid to give in to the moment completely. But his need for you is stronger than his common sense. “Take your panties off, but don't touch yourself again. Not until I tell you to. I want you to listen, I want you to feel this.”

You comply, sliding your panties over your legs and tossing them to the floor. He can see all of you now, your wetness glowing in the dim light of the phone. 

“You’re everything,” he moans softly, his hand moving again. “You are as perfect now as you’ve ever been. I can’t believe I’m seeing you like this.”

“Tell me what to do, Jake,” you plead.

The control he’s desperately trying to keep is starting to crack. Every part of him is wanting to rip that phone from his hand and be there with you. “Touch your inner thighs,” he requests, his voice sounding low and strained. “Just your thighs, don’t touch anywhere else.”

You comply, running your fingers over your thighs as the sound of his voice gives you goosebumps.

He watches you, his eyes glued to the way your fingers move over your skin. His hand slowly working over himself, his need to touch you growing. “Good girl…Does it feel good to touch your skin?” he asks, his hand moving faster. 

“Yes, but I wish it was you,” you admit, your legs starting to shake with anticipation. 

​​“I know,” he whispers, “I know, babydoll. You have no idea how desperately I need it to be my hands.” He bites the inside of his cheek, fighting back the words he wants to say.

“Jake,” you practically moan his name, your back arching as the need for him consumes you from the inside out. You let your eyes flutter closed as you let your hands roam over that most sensitive part of you. “It feels so good but it’s not enough. I need to…I need…” you plead, your whimpers filling the void between you.

He can’t take it anymore. Your desperate whimper has shattered the last bit of his resolve, leaving only pure desire in its place. As much as he wants to watch, to see every bit of you come unraveled, he can’t stand it anymore. He has to see you. “Look at me, baby.”

Your eyes flick to his, seeing them dark and blown out with lust. 

“Spread your legs, let me see you,” he growls, and slowly you do as he says, placing the phone back down against the pillow. 

Watching you spread your legs is the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen. The way you’re trembling underneath your own touch makes him let out a soft moan, his hand starting to work faster. “God, you’re so beautiful,” he breathes, completely entranced by you. “Touch your clit for me, baby.”

Your hand moves without hesitation as his words ignite something inside of you. He gasps, completely hypnotized by everything he’s seeing. “Slowly, baby,” he whispers, drinking every moment in. “Don’t rush it.”

Your fingers move  in soft, slow circles over your clit as you do what he requests, desperate to obey him. You’re already so close to that edge, his voice is sending you flying. “That’s it, just like that,” he’s praising you, and the look in his eyes says he’s as close as you are. “Keep doing it, baby. Don’t stop.”

“Are you touching yourself, Jake? Are you hard for me?” you ask, knowing he needs this release as much as you do. 

He groans, his head dropping back as your voice fills his ears. “God, yes. You have no idea how hard I am right now. All I want….No, all I need is to bury myself inside of you. I need to feel you, all of you, every warm inch… I need it more than air. I need you, baby. I need you so badly.” he says, flipping his phone around to show you his beautiful cock as he works it with his hand. Precum has started to gather on the tip and you wonder how he tastes. 

“I want to taste you, Jake. I want to feel you in my throat. I want to swallow down every last inch of you. So fucking bad,” you whine. 

“Jesus…” his words come out as a strangled gasp. “I want that, too. I’ve dreamed of having your mouth wrapped around me, of seeing you on your knees, swallowing my cum. I want it so badly, baby. I’d give you everything.” he says. “Put two fingers in baby, move your thumb to your clit.”

You sink two fingers into yourself, the camera positioned perfectly for him to watch how your body takes the digits. “Oh god, Jake,” you cry, wishing more than anything it was him. 

“Oh fuck, look at you. I’m never going to forget this. I’m never going to be the same after seeing you like this.” He takes a moment to just watch your body, his hand still moving furiously on his length. “I need you to keep going, just like that, but start with a third one. I want to see how much you can take, because that’s how much I’m going to give you. As soon as I get my hands on you, I’m going to wreck you, Poppy.”

“Please Jake, I’m so close,” you whine, adding a third finger. 

His chest is heaving, his hand moving at a rapid pace. His eyes watch your every movement, drinking it all in. “I know, baby,” he responds, his voice ragged. “I can see you getting tight around those fingers. I need to hear you Poppy, I need to see your face as you come for me.”

“Come with me, Jake. Please,” you beg. 

“Together, then, ” he breathes. “I’m fucking close. Come for me, baby. Right now.” He’s on the edge, and watching you is going to take him over. “I’m right there, you have no idea. Just come, baby. Look at me, let me see my girl fall apart for me.”

Your eyes lock on his as you fall apart against your own fingers. Your mind tricks you into thinking it's him, letting loose the most powerful release you’ve felt in years as his name falls from your lips. 

He sees the wave hit you, and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Hearing his name in that moment does it, it’s all he needs. He gasps as he watches you and lets go, “Fuuuuck,” he whimpers, shuddering as release begins to wash over him. “Y/N…Poppy...” he grunts, “I’m coming, I’m fucking coming,” he grunts, his body tensing as his cum lands on his bare chest in several hot spurts.  

It’s like a freight train, the way it builds and then comes crashing down. And then it’s over. All that’s left besides the ragged breathing is the blissful silence. And as it clears, you find him there staring at you like it’s the first time he’s seen you. He looks so vulnerable, so open. His body is still, but his chest is rising and falling as the last hints of what you did are still visible on his chest in the dim light. The words hang between you, heavy with the impact of everything you just did.

“Poppy,” he whispers, still catching his breath. 

That word breaks your heart, and you find yourself unable to speak for a minute. The weight of all of this is taking over your chest and you have to swallow to find your voice. “Jake,” is all you can manage to say.

He just stares at you. It’s like a dream. You’ve been here, in this moment a million times, but it’s never been real until tonight. All of this feels so impossible, and you’re still trying to make sense of it. 

“I…” he tries to speak, but his voice is barely a whisper. “I don’t know what to say.”

Your guilt overtakes you, “I'm sorry...That I ran from you again. I didn’t want to. I just–”

He shakes his head, the pain of it all visible in his eyes. “You don’t have to explain anything to me,” he says softly, his voice almost a whisper. “I get it. We both know why you did. I just wish…” he trails off, the words caught in his throat.

“I wish things were different,” you finish. 

“Yeah,” he sighs heavily, the weight of it all hitting him. “We’ve been wishing that since the day we met,” It hangs in the air for a bittersweet moment before he speaks again. “Maybe in another life.”

“Yeah, maybe so,” you whisper. “But Jake?”

“Yeah, P?” The way he says it, the way he says your name, it feels so intimate.

“We’re still us, right?” you ask, your eyes welling with tears. You hope he doesn’t notice.

He stares at you for a moment, taking everything in. “Yeah, we’re still us.” He responds quietly. There’s a long pause before he speaks again, but his face is filled with so many different emotions. “We’ll always be us.”

A single tear falls down your cheek, “You promise? Forever?”

His heart is breaking, watching that tear fall. He’s desperate to brush it away, but he can’t. He can’t touch you. He can’t hold you. He can’t tell you that it’ll be okay. He just has to watch from afar, wishing for more. “Yes, baby. Forever. I promise.”

You nod your head and swallow down the lump in your throat, finally meeting his eyes again, “Happy New Year, Jake.”

You can tell he is shattered just the same as you are, but he is doing everything he can to keep it together. “Happy New Year, Poppy,” he responds quietly, trying his absolute hardest to steady his voice. “I’m glad you were my midnight kiss.”

“Me too, Jake…” you trail off. 

He forces a soft smile, trying desperately to hold on. “I should let you get some rest,” he says quietly, the words making his chin tremble.

You nod, “Yeah, it’s late…”

“Okay,” he whispers, hating every second of this. “You get some sleep.”

“You too,” you murmur.

“I’ll try,” he says, his voice so weak. “Goodnight, my beautiful Poppy.”

 Your voice comes out cracked and thick with emotion, “Goodnight, Jake.”

You want so badly to say more. But the lump in your throat is too strong. You stare at him through the screen, trying to memorize every tiny detail in this moment, knowing that this is how things are going to be. 

“Bye, love,” he breathes, desperately hoping that you don’t hear the word that slipped out, but you do. The screen goes dark, the call ending as you drop your phone to the bed. 

For a minute, you just lie there, staring into the darkness. It just feels so empty without him. The loneliness is almost oppressive, and you need…something. You’re desperate for his touch, for his smell, for anything. You finally sit up, grabbing his shirt that you had pulled off earlier and putting it back on. You crawl under the covers, pulling the shirt over your head. 

You curl up to his shirt, pulling it up over your nose and closing your eyes. It feels like if you could just will it hard enough, maybe you’d feel him here, in your bed, holding you. But you can’t, and you know you have to live with the memories of how he felt pressed up against you at the bar, instead. He’s just a few miles away, on the other side of town, in his bed, probably thinking the same goddamn thoughts. And here you are, separated from him, but no less in love with him than you ever were. Your arm is draped over your pillow, your eyes fixed on the wall across from the bed. You’re trying desperately not to cry, but the tears start anyway. You pull his shirt over your eyes, trying to just disappear in it, hoping it will give you just a bit of comfort. But it doesn’t. 

You know you have to live with the decision you made, even though it's not what either of you wants. You let yourself cry until you can’t anymore and then you just lie there, in the darkness of your childhood bedroom, holding his shirt like a goddamn lifeline. You’re fighting the sobs that are trying to tear out of your chest. 

It just doesn’t make sense. You’ve always been so sure of yourself, and of your life. But right now, the only thing you can be sure of is that you love this man more than you ever thought possible, and you’re going to have to spend the rest of your life knowing that you will never be able to tell him how you really feel about him. How you’ve always felt about him, because though it may be true, it doesn’t change anything. You can’t be together, and that's what hurts the most. 

November 10, 2026

Detroit, Michigan

You drop your car keys into the ceramic dish by your front door, the metallic clang echoing through the house. Your coat is dripping with rain, the weather not giving you a single ray of sun the entire day, in fact the forecast even calls for snow. As you hang it on the coat rack you’re sure to fish your phone out of your pocket, still receiving a few sporadic birthday texts here and there. 

There’s a text from your parents congratulating you on your milestone birthday, a few messages from friends and of course the obligatory ones from random old classmates you haven’t seen since high school. You’re almost at the bottom of the messages when you’re suddenly hit with a wave of disappointment. You don’t know if you were expecting him to reach out today, but it doesn’t make you feel any less deflated that he hasn’t. Not a call, not a text, no flowers, nothing. Part of you wonders if he’s finally moved on from your friendship, or whatever it was. 

Today was a busy day like any other, maybe even busier than usual. You spent most of the day preparing your client in the office for trial next week. It’s everything you’ve ever worked for. You were finally living the life you always dreamed of, but for some reason, you knew something was missing. It felt incomplete.

You drop onto the couch, the heavy November rain against the windows is the only noise in the house. Now that you are finally home, your exhaustion is starting to hit you, and your thirty minute commute  in the rain and traffic didn’t help. You reach for the remote on the coffee table and flick the T.V. on. Nothing is really jumping out at you as you browse through the channels so you just leave it on the news, not really bothering to pay attention. 

You can’t help but dwell on the fact that you haven’t heard from Jake today. Today of all days is the one you count on each year. Big beautiful poppies always show up at your door when you least expect it, but now at 6:30 with no delivery trucks in sight, you let your heart fall. You lean your head back against your couch, letting your eyes close as you think of all the years you took it for granted. You can’t help but smile when you think about it. How thoughtful he was to send poppies specifically. They always were significant to you, a special moment between you and Jake all those years ago. 

You can remember it clear as day. Jake was the first to get his license having a birthday in April, his beat up old sedan now his pride and joy. He insisted he drive you everywhere, to school, to work, everywhere. He just loved the freedom. It was about a month after he got his license when you got a text from him, telling you he wanted to take you somewhere. This wasn’t strange because again, he insisted on driving you everywhere. But this was different, it was early in the morning, and he told you it was a bit of a drive. He gave you no other details, but told you to be ready for him to pick you up in an hour. It was a warm day, dressing yourself in a pair of cut off shorts and a tank top, fastening your hair into a braid as you waited to hear his car pull into your driveway. 

The engine of the car was loud, the windows rolled down. Music was blasting from the stereo as you opened the passenger door to the car. He was already turned to face you, a wide grin on his face, “You ready?” he asks, looking you up and down, with a nod you reach for the door handle as he speaks again.“Well, get in, we’ve got a drive ahead of us.”

You spent two whole hours on the road, him not giving you a single clue to where you were going the entire time. You’d never been with him in the car for this long, but there wasn’t a single nerve coursing through you. You were completely at ease, you remember that perfectly. He sang along to every song that came on and you couldn’t help but to stare at him, even then you were totally and utterly in love with him. 

When the car started to slow, you saw it. Right there through the passenger side window you saw the biggest field of flowers you’d ever seen. You didn’t even know the place existed. It was stunning, as far as the eye could see, flowers. Thousands of them. Red, yellow, orange, pink, every color you could imagine. Your eyes were filled with wonder, and you looked over at him, his eyes still on the road, but his smile was present. 

“I knew you would love this,” he said as he pulled off the main road. He brought the car to a stop and turned to look at you, studying the awestruck look on your face. “Come on,” he said simply, climbing out of the car and walking around to your side to open the door for you.

As you got out you walked along the overgrown pathway towards the field of flowers, the sun shining down harshly on your shoulders as bees buzzed around overhead. “Where are we?” you asked, letting him lead you. 

“Fennville,” he smirks, flipping his sunglasses down to his nose. 

“How did you know this was here, we are in the middle of nowhere?” you question. 

“Heard some people talking about it at Kroger, thought of you.” he answers, rubbing his hand over his mouth. 

“Do you know what kind of flowers these are? I’ve never seen them before.”

“Yeah, they’re poppies.” he smiles, snatching one up from the ground and tucking it behind your ear. Your heart swelled at the act and it was right then you had a new favorite flower. 

He led you deep into the field, the two of you spending hours exploring and picking the beautiful flowers. He eventually sat down in the middle of the field, lying down to watch the sky, patting the ground next to him for you to join him. You laid next to him, your heads turned to look at one another. You remember exactly how the sun cast his face in the most incredible glow, the flecks of gold in his eyes stood out more than ever, and the freckles that dotted his nose were almost shimmering. Your mind drifts back to how effortlessly you two could just be together. You couldn’t get enough of his attention, and he was never scared to give it to you. You just existed together, comfortably, calmly.

He twirled a beautiful red petaled stem between his fingers as he looked up to the sky, listening to the nature that surrounded the two of you. “You know, these kind of remind me of you.” he says, softly. 

“Really?” you breathe, feeling sleepiness take you over as you lounge in the warm sun. 

“Yeah,” he mumbles, staring at the flower between his fingers. “They’re not afraid to stand out, to be bold. They grow wild and free and they are just so full of joy. You can’t help but smile when you see them. The rest of the field is so plain, but they fight to get their share of the sun. Just like you.” He looks over at you when you don’t respond. You’re almost asleep, the heat of the sun and the beautiful afternoon sending you into a blissful trance.

You turn to look over at him, he is staring up at the sky, his profile completely visible. You’d never been around anyone who paid such close attention to the little details about you, the thought alone made your heart skip a beat. 

“So soft and beautiful,” he continues, letting the stem fall from his fingers and reaching over to lightly lay the flower between the two of you, “and you’re just as unique as these are. They don’t grow everywhere, they’re rare.”

You let his words sink into you, and unbeknownst to him you felt exactly the same way about him. You looked to the field, the poppies dancing hypnotically in the breeze around you, and the colors on their petals almost sparkled in the sunlight. You were surrounded by hundreds of thousands of them, and every single one of them was beautiful.

That was the day your nickname was born, Jake refusing to call you anything else after that. You loved it, it was special, and no one else knew why. They didn’t need to. There was no hiding the flush from your cheeks that day, or the flutter in your heart each time he let it slip out. You couldn’t deny its significance, you were completely lost to the boy that was lying next to you in the field of poppies, and you didn’t know it then, but you always would be. 

As beautiful and special as the memory was to you, it also hurt, knowing that today was the first time since that day that he hasn’t sent them to you on your birthday. The memory now feels tainted and forgotten. You pull yourself up from the couch and make your way into the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine to try and ease the pain that has suddenly crept up upon you. 

You feel the cold air from the open fridge as you pull out a bottle of Pinot Grigio, the neck of the bottle clinks against the edge of the glass as you fill it up more than you should. You move to the counter and lean against it, staring blankly out the kitchen window into your backyard. Darkness has settled in, and you're reminded once again that you are entirely alone with these thoughts. No one to pull you out of your head, no one to whisper sweet nothings to you. 

You even tried to make plans with friends tonight, hoping to share a few drinks and laughs to ring in your thirtieth, but each person you asked had plans, or perfectly valid reasons they couldn’t. Families to tend to, and partner work events. If you didn’t feel alone then, you certainly do now. It’s not like the weather was the best either, all around this day was a bust.

You stand in the empty kitchen, surrounded by all the silence and feeling so utterly alone. You lift the glass to your lips and take a heavy swig. You try to shake off the feeling that this might just be the most miserable birthday you've ever had. Unable to stand the silence a moment longer you wander over to your album collection, your fingers searching through the shelf for the one album you know will help soothe the ache inside you. You smile when you see the familiar cover, pulling the vinyl from the sleeve and placing it gently on the turntable. The unmistakable sound of Bad Company begins to play through the speakers as you sit on your couch and drink your wine, wondering where Jake is tonight and if he feels this too.

You stare out the window, watching the rain and now snow fall together, your head starting to feel fuzzy. You drink your wine as you listen to “Weep No More”, wishing that it would numb you in ways that would make the ache disappear, but it doesn’t. It just reminds you of how lonely you are, how lonely you have been for so long. As the guitar solo sounds through the speakers, you lean your head back against the couch and close your eyes.

Next thing you know you find yourself waking on your couch, the record begging to be flipped and your wine glass empty on your coffee table. The rain is still pouring and the clock now reads 8:43. You decide to call it a night, placing your glass in the sink and closing the turntable until next time. You drag yourself upstairs, changing into a pair of pajamas and pulling your hair into a knot at the top of your head. You crawl into your bed, ready for this day to be over and as you turn off the light, the last thought on your mind is Jake. Just like always. 

It's hard to fall asleep, your brain just won't shut off. Your mind is still working overtime, memories playing in double time. It's a vicious cycle, and a cycle that you get stuck in every year on your birthday. Each year, one year older but no less sad. You close your eyes tightly, doing the only thing you can do right now which is force yourself to fall asleep. Or try to, at least.

As you start to drift off thunder clatters in the distance and though it’s soothing, it wakes you, causing you to toss and turn. Just as your eyes begin to close, you hear it again, but it sounds strange. A few seconds later you hear it again, and your brain fully wakes as you sit up in your bed. You listen again for the sound, and as you hear it you realize it's not thunder at all, but the sound of someone knocking on your front door. 

A bolt of panic runs through you. Who the hell would be at your door at this time of night? You look at your phone, it's almost ten-thirty. No one you know would be stopping by unannounced, and at this hour? You get up, quietly walking from your room, down the stairs and toward the front door. As you get closer, the rain and the knocking both get louder, causing you to grow even more confused as nerves start to gather in your stomach.

You take a deep breath as you gather your courage, twisting the lock and opening the door. The second the door opens, a gust of cool, wet air blows through the house. The rain, now seemingly heavier than before pours onto your front porch step, the sound almost drowning out the sound of your thumping heart. You peer through the dark, rain drenched night and you swear your heart stops at the sight. Your mind can hardly comprehend what you’re seeing. 

In the dark, with rain pouring down around him, you see Jake. In jeans, a t-shirt and a very drenched leather jacket, holding the largest bouquet of multi-colored poppies you’ve ever seen, petals heavy with rain. 

“Poppy?” he says. He's breathing hard and he looks incredibly panicked. You again notice the bouquet in his trembling hand and your brain starts to piece the situation together.

“Jake? What’re you–”

“I’m so sorry I’m late. I was supposed to be here hours ago, but there was a wreck once I hit 75, and then the traffic–” he says, water dripping from the end of his nose as he talks. 

A wave of shock washes over you at the fact he's really here. Right here at your doorstep no less. “Oh my god– Come inside!” you urge, seeing his cold, wet body start to shake. 

He nods his head and starts to shake the water off of himself like a dog as he steps into your house. His hair is sopping wet, and the way his shirt clings to his chest…well, you’re trying to push down that thought. He looks like he’s barely holding it together. As soon as you shut the door behind him he holds out the bouquet, wanting you to grab it.  “Happy Birthday, Pops, sorry they’re late.”

Your heart shatters. Of course he didn't forget. “Jake...Thank you...But– You're here, in Detroit, what are you–”

“It’s your birthday, Pops,” His voice is shaky and his body is shivering slightly. He's soaking wet and he's going to get sick if he stands here in those wet clothes any longer. So, you reach out and take his hand, tugging him with you as you walk toward your living room. He follows you in and stands awkwardly next to the couch as you turn to face him. You can’t take your eyes off of him, and you notice the look in his eyes is off, like your presence has him hypnotized. You notice his eyes move up and down your body, taking in your pajamas.

You quickly look down at yourself, feeling slightly self conscious and he instantly notices. He shakes his head as if reading your mind. “No, don’t. You look perfect to me.”

You feel bashful, and unsure of what to say, so instead you rush to the bathroom to grab a towel for him to start drying himself off.

“Thank you.” he mumbles and takes the towel from you, trying to dry his face and hair. You watch as he rubs the towel over his head, his shirt comes off his body and you're almost knocked backward. There were a few times throughout the years you'd see him shirtless but, my god, did he look good now. You're trying to take little glances, hoping he's too busy drying off to notice.

“Jake, don’t think that I don’t want you here, but…Normally you just…send the flowers. I can’t believe you drove eight hours to deliver them, in this weather no less…” you question, crossing your arms across your braless chest. 

He stops drying his hair and stares at you. You can see the look in his eyes. It’s  intense, and it’s not just because he’s freezing. He’s trying to read you, he’s searching for something. He stands there, in his wet jeans, with only a towel thrown over his shoulders. He is looking at you intensely, and your heart starts to pound in your chest.

He bites his lip, and his eyes dart down your body for a split second. He swallows and continues to dry his hair, the air around you suddenly feeling much heavier. He looks you in your eyes. “The flowers didn’t feel like enough this year.”

“Jake, they are always enough. They are more than enough,” you whine. 

He drops the towel to his side, the damp strands of hair clinging to his face. You see his chest rising and falling, trying to steady his breathing, but he seems to be failing. He walks towards you and you back up until you are pressed against the wall. He gets in so close you can feel his body heat, and he gently reaches up to take your chin into his hand. His fingers are still cold, and the feeling of them on your skin almost burns. His voice is rough as he looks at you deeply, he’s searching every inch of your face. “No. I couldn’t let you be alone, to sit there all night long with a glass of wine in your hand, just staring at the flowers. Not this year, Pops. This year is different.”

“Different?” you breathe.  

“It's your thirtieth birthday, Poppy.” he smirks.

“Yeah?” you answer, still not on the same train of thought he seems to be on. 

He takes a deep breath, and you can see the nervous look come over his face again. His eyes flick down to the floor, his cheeks start to get red. He can’t look at you. This entire thing is so incredibly intense, and you can feel the anticipation in the air. He takes a deep breath and then lets his eyes meet yours. 

“You know, I have traveled all over the world. I have seen people and places so beautiful your mind can hardly comprehend it. I’ve seen waterfalls and caverns, and cliffs and fields so big and vast you feel small compared to them. What I’m saying is that, I’ve been to so many places and seen so many beautiful things, but none of them, nothing, compares to you.” 

You blink at him, awestruck by his words. “Jake…”

He doesn’t give you a second to speak. He’s nervous and he’s scared, and all of this is coming out unfiltered. “I mean it, I’ve been to so many gorgeous places, I’ve met so many people and nothing has captivated me the way you do. I have searched the whole damn world, and everywhere I looked, I was looking for you. Always looking for you, thinking about you.”

You don’t even know what to say. Just two hours ago you were laying in your bed missing him, and now hes here, in front of you spilling his soul. 

“I could go to the edge of the ocean and see the beauty of the sunrise, but it’s nothing compared to the way your eyes light up when you laugh. No matter where I go, or how many new things I see, I can tell you that there isn’t another you. You’re rare. You’re my one in a million, wild and free Poppy. I’d give up every single thing I have to wake up next to you in that poppy field again, just to be next to my girl. Just me and you.”

Your lips part to speak but he’s not done.

“It's been twelve years since that night in my basement. Twelve years that I have thought of you day in and day out. I know that at the time you probably didn't mean it. Who really means anything they say when they're eighteen?” he laughs. “The thing is, I did. I did mean it Pops. You're all I’ve ever wanted, so much so that I signed the back of a gas station receipt to prove it.” he says, reaching into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. He reaches inside and pulls out a well worn, tattered and wrinkled receipt, barely hanging on to life. Signed on the back with both of your names. Your heart lurches in your chest as your fingers grab the delicate paper from him. 

He rubs his hand over his mouth, trying to find the courage to keep going. “And I still mean it today, Poppy. Twelve years later, and I still feel it, I still feel everything…for you.” His eyes don’t break from yours, and you can feel all the walls he’s put up starting to come crumbling down. You can see that he’s terrified, but he’s fighting to keep those emotions tucked away. “I’m ready to make good on that pact, Y/N. I never forgot. Not for a second.”

You look at the receipt in your hands, seeing the words scribbled down so carelessly, promising yourselves to each other at age thirty. Your names are still there, though the pen is faded. You hadn’t thought about that night since it happened, and seeing this has flooded your mind with the memory. The night you kissed him for the first time. “I can’t believe you still have this.”

“Of course I do,” he says, his voice shaking. “It’s the only thing that has kept me going. How do you think I got through all these years?” His eyes are still locked on yours, he is trying so goddamn hard to keep everything inside him. He’s fighting the tears that are attempting to come, “Every time I thought time was up, every time it looked like we wouldn’t make it, that this thing we have was hopeless…I’ve had that piece of paper. It was something to hold on to...” his voice drifts off, his eyes are watering now. “A piece of you when I couldn’t have the real thing.”

You see his eyes fill with tears, and you can’t take it anymore. You reach out to him, your hand touches his stubbly cheek. You wipe his tears away with your thumb. You’re not even sure what to say right now or what to do, just that you need to touch him. He reaches up and grabs your hand, holding it against his face, desperate for your touch. 

The walls are coming down, he can no longer hold back. “God…you have no idea, no idea at all the hold you’ve had on me, Poppy. You don’t understand how much I’ve loved you for so long. You know how much I still do. Even if I never said it, even if I didn’t fight for it…I still kept loving you, more and more with every single day. You were always there, in my heart, in my mind. For twelve years, shit, longer than that, you’ve been my everything.”

Love. He loves you. He’s always loved you. 

“Jake, I lo–”

He pulls your hand from his cheek, resting your fingers on his mouth as he slides them across his lips, taking in the feeling of you. Then, his eyes meet yours again. “And listen, I don’t even know if you have a boyfriend, or– or if you’re seeing anyone…I never let myself look, but I’m here, I have time, and I want this Poppy. I want you. I want to do this. It’s finally time for us.”

This feels like you’re in a dream. You’re watching some fantasy of yours unfold right in front of you. You would be convinced that this isn’t really happening, if it weren’t for your hand still against his lips. Your heart aches, and you feel like maybe it’s too good to be true. The man you’ve been in love with since you were young, the man who keeps you awake at night, is telling you what you’ve dreamed of. 

“Jake, you– you want to be… with me? Like…that?”

“Of course I do,” he says, his voice cracking, “I’ve wanted it forever. I wish I could go back and change things all those years ago….I wish we could have just been together the whole time. But right now…I just need you to hear me when I say that I want you, I’ve always wanted you. I’ve only held on and I’ve only pushed through for you. Everything I’m doing is for you. For us. You’re my girl, Pops. I’m ready to make it official.”

You feel your own eyes starting to well with tears, the words coming from his lips are everything you’ve ever wanted. The part of your life that has felt so incomplete has suddenly vanished from the second you opened your front door. It’s him, it’s always been him, and now he’s here, asking you to be with him in the way you planned all those years ago. 

“I won’t promise you that it’ll be easy. This isn’t going to be pretty. We’re not kids anymore. We’re not those two dumb teenagers who made a promise on a piece of paper not knowing what life had in store for them. We’re in the real world now, and it’s messy. It's hard. We both have demanding jobs and work long, tiring hours, but I know we can do this. I want to do this. With you. No one else.” he whispers as he rubs your cheek with the back of his fingers, his knuckles dragging along your skin like he’s trying to absorb the feeling of you.

“But– Married? That seems like a big leap,” you breathe. 

His mind drifts for a moment as he tries to put together the words. “Is it a big leap? I don't think it is. If you think about how long I've loved you, the idea of us being together, it's not too soon. I've waited twelve years to be here with you. I've taken every single step just to get to this moment, and now I know, even through all the bullshit, there's no one else for me. I want to be married to you.”

“It just– it seems scary,” you whisper, feeling his hand wrap around your waist. 

He steps even closer, his hand wrapping around you and pulling you against him. His damp chest pressed to your thin tank top. You can hear the sound of his breathing, and feel his hands as they roam gently over your body. “It is scary, it’s terrifying. Being without you is scary, and the idea of me losing you completely scares me the most. But, what if we just try? What if we stop running and just try?”

Your eyes meet his as his thumb rubs small circles on your lower back. 

He leans forward ever so slightly, closing the distance even more between your bodies, like he’s pulled into your gravity. A faint noise escapes his lips as he breathes against your mouth. “Sometimes you just have to jump and trust that the net will appear.”

It’s as if your breath has been stolen from your lungs, “I–”

He’s so close, all you can see is the gold flecks in his eyes. His lips skim across your cheek, your skin is on fire. You can feel the air from his nose brush against your face, his hand around your waist is holding you so close. His touch is lighting you up inside like fire, you’re completely hypnotized by him. 

“I want to do this, Y/N. I have a long time off, and I want to spend it with you, making this work. I love you Poppy. I’ve loved you forever. We can do this. Say yes. Say yes to this, Poppy.”

“You’re sure about this?” you breathe, letting your lips brush his. 

“Every nerve in my body is telling me this is right. I know in my soul that this is it. It’s you, it’s only ever been you….” he whispers, his hand slides from your waist to the small of your back, pulling your body into him as his mouth ghosts over yours. “Tell me you want this. Tell me you want me like I want you, P.”

“I want you, Jake. I always have.” you confess, cupping his cheek with your hand. His face falls into your touch as he groans with relief. 

“Do you love me?” he asks, his tone vulnerable and pleading. 

“Yes. I do. You know I do. I’ve loved you since the day I met you,” you answer, brushing your thumb under his eye.

He breathes against your palm, your name murmured out in a soft whimper. “Say yes, Poppy. Be mine. Marry me.”

There’s no hesitation, no second guessing. You know this isn’t some fairytale that you’re going to wake from. The only man you’ve ever loved, the one man you’ve dreamed of for years is standing in front of you asking you to marry him.

“Yes.” The word falls from your mouth so easily, it's as if you haven’t even thought it through. This could be the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done. 

Your heart is pounding, the word feeling so final on your tongue. 

And as you look at him, you have no idea what the future will hold, but what you do know is that he’ll be in it, and that’s all you’ve ever wanted.

But… this was Jake. You needed to be fully honest with him. 

Your present, real life wasn’t going away. There was a crafted reality that didn’t involve him, in ways you didn’t care to address at this moment. 

Though, you couldn’t lie to him. You had to tell him. There was one issue. It wasn’t so drastic that it could get in the way of this for you two, per se. It just seemed wrong to go through with what you felt was about to happen, without informing him of your current situation. 

But, logic was escaping you quickly. 

As soon as he was leaning in to kiss you, his lips so full and soft, you lost the ability to rationally think. Any thought besides Jake Kiszka himself was far and fleeting from your mind. 

Tonight was meant for you two.

Right now, this could be it. All you had to worry about was right now. At this moment, you could venture into a universe where things seamlessly fall into place. Just like you always wanted.

A little secret kept from him in this moment was the least important thing to you as you felt his lips finally brush against yours, his mustache tickling your upper lip. 

The harsh beating of your heart calmed as soon as you felt his lips touch yours. 

Tonight was tonight. 

Tomorrow’s reality could set in just as soon as you felt him like this, the way you've always dreamed of— even if only this once. 

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Taglist: @wetkleenex-gvf @joshym @farfromthehomelands @sacredstarcatcher @britney-gvf @stardustjake @jakesmustache @starshine-wagner @mweasley19 @emsfallingsky @joopsenthusiast @ageofbajabule @ladywhimsymoon @vanfleeter @myleftsock @joshskittytickler @ageoflou @freefallthoughts @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @literal-dead-leaf @welllauragvf @writingcold @bizzielisteningtogreta @neptune2324 @itsafullmoon @violet-hayes @gvfmarge @demonrat444 @mybussyinchrist @cl0ver-j4de @earthgrlsreasy @what-i-read-home-of-reblogs-mama @mama-likes72 @lenagvf @laurngvf @racheljuneeee @farfromthehomelands @cat3rpillarbaby @cassiesgreta @jarmonicasweat@ghostly--photography @josh-iamyour-mama @raviolilegs @gvfmarge @milkgemini @jaketlove @watchingover-hypegirl @ageoflou @cl0ver-j4de @takenbythemadness @lightmyloverry

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Please let me know if you would like to be added to the taglist. There could be more where this came from...

[gretavanmoon]

Jake x female (AU)

17.4k words

"Criminal" by Fiona Apple spawned this entire idea, heavily inspired

+ Hey y'all... so I'm gonna be honest with you, I have no idea what this is, but Ms. Apple made my mind start wandering... This is not your typical fanfic story, so if you're looking for a quick fix, this probably ain't it LOL. Also, I realized that I was sick and tired of writing in the "fan fiction y/n pov", so this is written entirely in third person. Sorry, not sorry. But I think it works lol. This story contains heavy, adult themes, so proceed with caution

Thank you to @gretavangroupie & @jakeyt for reading <3

Warnings: 18+! Fluff, Crying, Cursing, Smoking, Mention of Drinking, Drug Use and Addiction, Heavy Self-Deprecation, Self-Hate, Mental Anguish, Mention of Sin, Death of a Child, Questionable Circumstances, Mention of Priests & God, Religion and Religious Practices, Living in Squalor, Mention of Police and Raids, Mention of Drowning, Heavy Feelings of Guilt & Grief, Overall Sadness, Self-Reflection, Self-Realization

Smut: Fluff, Kissing, Dirty Talk, Touching, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex, Oral Sex (F! Receiving)

† † †

‘Not you, you’re too obvious,’ she thought to herself, disapproving of the first holy and sacred building she came in contact with. ‘Or you… you look like you’re full of a bunch of liars who only pretend to love their Savior…’ she said to the next. 

Snow covered the soaking wet concrete like cinnamon sprinkled on ice cream, sticking and existing alone for only a millisecond before melding into its sisters and brothers, becoming one with the stark white sheet of frozen sidewalk. The wind howled as it rushed past the outside walls of the skyscrapers, screaming a song that, this time of year, fell on deaf ears. 

She pulled her coat more tightly around her as she navigated the streets in search of the perfect one, the one that seemed like it wouldn’t spontaneously incinerate her once she stepped through its sacred doors. Hell, it’d been nearly fifteen years since she’d stepped foot in a church, anyway. 

‘Look at me, being judgmental of churches. Seems to fit the bill.’

That’s what she expected when she finally were to find one- to burn. All the sin that surrounded her presented itself on a silver platter to anyone she met. She was a dark person, full of ill-will and wicked ways, but she was happy with herself. She indulged in her own horrid habits, letting them lead her life down roads that she enjoyed traversing. The more despicable, the better. She thrived on it. Ate bad decisions for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And if it weren’t for her ethereally gorgeous exterior, you’d think she was a demon reincarnated, destined to walk the earth and ruin more than just the lives of those she came in contact with. 

Each church she passed seemed more decadent than the last, the front steps all adorned with statues of saints and angels, and windows full of colorful glass that made her feel as though all the color had been drained from her world, only to fill them. None of them felt right, none of them felt… welcoming enough. She was taking a risk walking into a church at all, let alone one that she felt comfortable and invited into. It had to be the perfect one.

The blisteringly cold wind was whipping her hair in front of her face as she trudged down the snow-covered paths of the city, taking her breath away with each and every inhale. But she sucked it in, letting it freeze her lungs as extra punishment for her latest sin. She laughed at it, daring it to pierce her even harder as her lungs filled with it, feeling like heavy stones in her chest. ‘Is that all you’ve got?’ she asked the wind, pulling a silver tin and lighter from the deep depths of her shoulder bag. 

She removed one cigarette and turned her back to the wind, cupping her hand over the end to light a cherry. She puffed and took an even deeper inhale, letting the sweet tobacco ignite her senses. She closed her eyes as she faced the harsh wind again, exhaling the smoke as she laughed through the uncomfortable pain she felt in her lungs. 

‘That’s what I thought…’ she cursed the wind again, and continued to strut down the streets, hoping that her search would soon be over.

Trouble seemed to follow her, or moreso, chase after her. Though she would run, it would always catch up with her, enveloping her in every sense of the word. Trouble found her so often that she began to turn around and chase it back, catching up with it and eagerly living in her own world of wrongdoing and chaos as if it were no sweat off her back. She let the bitterness be her guide, and guide her, it did.

It’d always been that way; she was destined to be the dark cloud that hung over even the most joyous of times. She’d learned that as a young child, finding herself alone and fending for herself at an age too young to even note. She grew up fast, learning that the wicked ways of the world were always going to be her solace, and searching for any kind of happiness would end up being her downfall. It always was, and always would be.

She defended herself, made her own money, lived alone and never let anyone take advantage of her and her decisions. She’d thumbed her way across state lines, shacked up with too many men to count, robbed them of every bill in their wallets, and made her way on to the next without even blinking an eye. It was her way of life, and she fed off of the negativity that people spat her way. It fueled her. It gave her a reason to bitch… to hate. To ward off any good soul that would ever make its way into her life. 

That was, until she met Jake. 

Jake, the warm hand that helped her to her feet when she’d fallen down drunk at a bar one night after too many tequila shots on a pool bet. The sweet gentleman who insisted that he drive her home that night, knowing that she shouldn’t take a cab. The genuine soul who helped her into her sorry excuse for an apartment and covered her with a blanket, making sure she had a trash can and water by her side. Jake, the man who made her feel like less of a woman that night as he forced her into basic human safety. 

The man who, since that next morning, has never left the confines of her bed. 

Like a leech that sucked at every last drop of blood in her body, he made his way into her life, intertwining himself with her body in ways that she had never experienced before. He fucked her like a man starved, like a ravenous body whose only source of sustenance was her… mind, body, and soul. 

And she let him. 

She let him sleep in her bed. She let his tongue reach into the furthest depths of her body, bringing her to the brinks of Nirvana again and again and again. She let him make her breakfast. She let him spill his coffee as she straddled him at the kitchen table, fucking him into an oblivion before the sun even bothered to rise. 

She let him talk to her nicely, let him buy things for her, let him soothe her to sleep… she let him stay with her more than he stayed at his own home. Let him make her laugh for the first time in years.

She didn’t know why he stuck around, she chalked it up to him falling in lust with her body… an addiction to her that he couldn’t stave off. She gave him next to nothing in return. Nothing of substance, at least. She brought nearly nothing to the table, and the frail sticks that built the foundation of what some would call a relationship were coated in kerosene, ready to be ignited and burned down at a second’s notice, had she felt it right. 

She didn’t care if he stayed or left. She didn’t care if one day he up and disappeared, it wouldn’t make a difference. Everyone else always left her, what would make him any different? Nothing about her screamed forever, except for the dirty and rotten lifestyle that she had become accustomed to. 

So she lied to him. She pushed him away every chance that she got. She let other men into her life, knowing that the one waiting for her at home would just disappear sooner or later, anyway. She sucked men in dirty bar bathrooms for a buck, thinking absolutely nothing about going back home to her sweet, precious, innocent Jake. She took advantage of him, and reeled in the fact that living it up while she could actually felt good. Because sooner or later, the goodness would fall away, and she’d be left with nothing but her dreadful life once again.

But what was worse than her letting him be the sole purpose of her sexual life source, was that she let him tell her he loved her.

It was a sin greater than anything he’d ever known, a mistake so grave that with those three words, he’d admitted himself into an impossibility he wasn’t even familiar with. That he should run away from, and fast.

‘Take that back,’ she said, her voice groggy and pained as his words hit her in the chest. ‘You take that back right now, Jacob…’

‘I can’t, it’s the truth… I–I don’t want to ever know a life without you in it, baby. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted–’

‘You know that’s not the truth, you’re not blind. You aren’t a dumb man. You know I’m nothing. Take it back right now, or I’ll–

She dropped the dying plant that she held in her hands, satisfied with her inability to keep anything alive in her own home. Fucking figures, nothing ever thrived here, anyway. One less thing to take care of. 

‘No, see… that’s where you’re wrong. You’re everything…’

‘I’m not. I’m worth nothing… my soul is sold, my life is decided…’ she explained, panicked with the way he was showing her such softness. Always, so understanding. ‘I give nothing to you, and I never will. I’m worthless, you’ve got to understand that.’

‘You’re worth everything, baby… just be with me, stay with me, please… Tell me you love me back…’

She walked to him, placing her cold hand on the center of his chest as she glared up at him with blazing eyes. Her lips were coated with a thick red lipstick, matching exactly to the icy blood racing through her veins.

‘I don’t know how to love, Jacob. I never learned, I’ve never been shown… I don’t—I don’t know how.’

‘Don’t you feel it, though?’ he cried, pleading. He fell straight to his knees, wrapping his arms tightly around her legs. ‘You’ve got to feel it, too. God, you make love to me every night…you–’

‘I fuck you, Jacob. There’s a difference.’

He swallowed down his tears as he peered up at her, his knees caked with the dirt from the dead plant. He slowly stood back up, hot tears stinging his eyes. 

‘So none of it is real, then? Everything I feel when I’m with you, after all this time together… you feel nothing for me?’

He really did look pitiful, standing there with pointless tears in his eyes. If she thought about it really hard, really really hard, she might could have dug down deep into the trenches of her psyche to pinch at the trimmings of a tiny emotion that may seem like love… fuck, she had become a little dependent on him for some things in her life. 

But was it love? No. No, love is supposed to make you want to scream from the rooftops, make you want to settle down, start a family, the whole nine. But she felt none of that. All she felt was the satisfaction that she had constant rather fucking good dick in her life and someone to share a lighter with.

Love. The word was repulsive. Making people become their most vulnerable, most distracted versions of themselves. She didn’t have time for that. She had to focus in on herself, and keep it that way. If she didn’t, she feared that she’d lose herself forever. She’d never given another human so much as a second glance in the way of heartfelt emotions, let alone told a man that she loved him. 

‘Jake, do you not understand that the sooner you distance yourself from me, the sooner you’ll be on your way to finding someone who can reciprocate this…love?’ she asked him, her teeth gritted and her arms crossed in disgust. Though her sexual passion for him had been at an all-time high as of late, and she had been planning on asking him to fuck her over the arm of the couch tonight, now, she found his display of vulnerability a bit off-putting. 

‘You’re fucking impossible, babe. I swear to god…’ Jake’s expression turned from pleading to pissed off in a hurry, as he rushed around the room picking up his dirty laundry from random places across the floor. She watched as he angrily ripped a backpack from the closet and began stuffing his belongings into it, sniffing away his agitated tears and rubbing at his dripping nose. 

‘Impossible. I gave myself to you, gave everything to you… I try my best to make you happy, care for you, everything a man would do for the woman he loves. It’s been six fucking months… all this time and you tell me you feel nothing for me…? All this time, I’ve just been a roommate who you fuck…’

She could feel the negative energy flowing off of him, brushing past her and latching onto her skin in a way that felt unfamiliar. It danced around her like a cold breeze in the dead of winter, making her sorry excuse for a heart feel like it had lost its heading. Normally, she’d ravish in his cross attitude and use it to her advantage, but… something about this felt off. It felt serious. 

She watched his figure glide toward her as he threw the backpack over his shoulder, keeping his eyes trained on hers as he approached her. He took her chin between his fingers, lifting her head back so she was forced to stare back at him. The fire in his touch nearly burned her skin to the bone while the blacks of his eyes stared into her more deeply than they ever had before.

‘You may think I’m crazy for loving you, and fuck, maybe I am. But no one has ever promised that life happens just the way we want. I’ve sacrificed a lot for you, changed my whole world around to fit into yours. Now it’s time for you to grow up, get that fucking cursed head of yours on straight, and realize that no one is ever going to care for you the way I do. No one will, ever. I just need you stop being so fucking hard headed, and realize what’s in front of you before you let this hell you live in consume you.’ 

She was left stunned. Speechless, but not caught off guard. She knew this day would come. She knew his emotions would boil down to this. And though the wall she surrounded herself with was ten feet high and built of concrete, the look in Jake’s eyes and the determination in his voice created a crack. Nothing more than a fissure that had the potential to grow, but she’d be damned if she let it crumble. 

She replied with a few blinks and a deep breath, staving off the faintest feeling of tears fighting their way to the forefront. He was breaking her down, but she couldn’t let him know that. 

His top lip snarled. ‘I knew you’d have nothing to say.’

And he wasn’t lying. He knew his confessions would be met with resilience as her inability to let him in stood unmoving. The fortress she’d built up around herself was stronger than he’d realized. He just thought… maybe… if he let his truth show in its entirety, if he laid himself at her feet and let the words of adoration fly freely that she’d show some type of reciprocation.

But she didn’t. She never has. And, maybe she never will. 

She felt his shoulder bump into hers as he brushed past her, huffing through an unbelieving laugh as he made his way to the door. 

‘I’m leaving. Giving you a few days to come to your senses, or maybe not. I’ll be back to say goodbye. Get my shit. And when I do you can tell me to go, or you can ask me to stay. Whatever you decide, I’ll do.’

His hand rested on the doorknob as he looked back at her, taking her in one final time before she heard the mechanism turn. She held true, not willing to allow him to see her expression show even the least amount of emotion. He didn’t speak another word as she watched his back step through the door, slamming it hard behind him as silence began to take up shelter in her home.  

And then, like a gunshot to the chest, she felt her ribs begin to shudder, and her limbs begin to lose their function. Her head spun, her stomach churned. Dizziness filled her head and she lost all ability to form a thought. What had she done?

She felt the tears spring to her eyes finally, warm and stinging as she couldn’t even believe they were there. A man, making her…cry? It couldn’t be… this doesn’t happen. Ever. 

But fight as she may, she couldn’t stop them. In fact, the more she tried to suppress them, the more heavily they fell. And not only was it tears, the grief that suddenly struck her was felt through the entirety of her body, shaking and crashing through her so fiercely that she fell to her knees, realizing that she was now kneeling in the dirt that Jake had just been in. The mess that she created. 

She gripped herself in grief, curling into a ball on the floor, uncaring that the soil was now covering her stark white blouse. The blouse that Jake had bought her on his birthday this year, insisting that his best gift would be to see her in it, with no other shred of clothing on underneath. 

She lied there confused and uncertain why it felt like the world had just ended, when all that had happened was another man had decided to exit her life, just like always. It felt like a shot through her heart, a physical pain she’d never endured before, at the loss of him. 

Hours, she layed on the cold hardwood, letting the grief consume her while trying her damndest to stifle it off. It wracked through her in heavy sobs, moments of clarity completely overtaken by bouts of harsh, mind-numbing pain. She should have chased after him, she should have yelled and screamed his name…

She argued with the fact that what she was feeling was real, but still so distant from her normal emotions when she’d be deserted. She was used to this. It’s part of her norm, but why does this time feel so different?

He said he’d be back…there’s still time to…

Jake had shown her more mercy than any man– any human– had shown her in her entire life. He’d loved her through all her faults, cared for her when she had no idea how to care for herself. But she’s nothing more than the mirror image of this dirt on the floor– why did he care?

She rolled over to her back, staring at the last bit of sunlight shining a stream of light across the ceiling. She watched as the dust floated through it, illuminating the streaks of dirt that sullied the corners of her home. Tobacco stained the walls that were once white, making them appear more brown and blotchy than bright and clean. Her furniture was broken and stained, and her old records lay in disarray across her tabletops. 

She took a breath as she finally felt the tears start to dry, turning on her side to take a closer look at her floors. Dusty and unclean, just like her walls. Her rugs were caked with dirt from shoes that were never kicked off at the door. Scuffs painted the once beautifully shined hardwood, and she noticed that the place reeked of uncleanliness. 

She rolled over and got up on all fours, feeling as though her body had been hit by a freight train. Her chest shuddered again as she fought off another sob, brought on by catching sight of Jake’s still half-full coffee cup resting on the table. “Half a teaspoon of sugar, nothing else. I don’t like anything in my life being too sweet,” she whispered out loud, reciting his daily mantra as she would pour their cups from the carafe. 

Just then, her eyes shot open, a realization hitting her almost as hard as the sound of Jake slamming the door earlier. 

Never once did Jake try to clean the floors. Never once did he try and dust the corners, or fix the furniture. He was happy just existing in her home, just the way that it was. “Too sweet”, she repeated as she sat back on her heels, wiping the cold tears from her cheeks. Of course… 

Just like her. 

He liked bitterness. He liked sharpness, and rigidity. He enjoyed the grittiness and sometimes even sourness of her world. Why else would he have stayed? He didn’t prefer the cream and the sugar and flavors, just black. With one-half teaspoon of sugar. Just like his coffee in the morning, he loved her just the way she was, took her in without really trying to change her. 

He lived in her unclean house, resided in her hollow excuse for a home. Slept in her sheets that could have used some bleach, all the while knowing that if he tried to fix it, if he tried to change anything about her home, it wouldn’t be hers anymore. It wasn’t his place, it wasn’t his to fix. Sure, he would have done so if she’d asked. But he knew damn good and well to not overstep when it came to any kind of argument with her. He’d always lose. 

Realization hit her like a ton of bricks, the same bricks and heavy stone that built up the walls she’d enclosed herself in. All of them, tumbling down and crashing around her as she finally realized that she’d chased away the only good thing that had ever happened to her, watching him turn his back on their life together with a scowl on his face and distaste on his tongue.

But he’s coming back… 

But coming back to what? The same old shit? The same old miserable person who shamed him for showing her his deepest form of intimacy? Or on an even more basic scale, showed her compassion?

She rolled to sit on her ass, hugging her knees in around herself as she tried to catch her breath. The sun was setting now as a darkness began to fill the room, the absence of sunlight breaking her heart even further. Normally she thrived in the darkness, but right then, it felt like it was going to consume her. 

Dirty dishes sat in the sink. Mail sat piled up on the counter, unread and forgotten. Piles of laundry took up every corner, and her pantry shelves sat empty. “What the fuck is wrong with me…” she whispered again to no one in particular. She turned and crawled over to her couch, leaning her back against it as she reached for her pack of cigarettes. She lit one up, letting her head rest back onto the cushions as the smoke drifted up from her lips. The first few stars were beginning to poke their way into the night sky, but the light pollution from the city only let six or eight make their debut. 

So she focused in on one, staring at it until her eyes went dry and the ash of her cigarette fell onto the couch, burning yet another hole in the soft, brown leather. She destroyed everything she touched. Jake would be smart to stay far away from her, never looking back as he went on with his life in the way that he wanted to live it. 

But she knew that he would come back. And he would come back expecting change. Making decisions for other people wasn’t something she was ever a fan of, but the hole in her heart felt as though it was only growing bigger and bigger with every breath she took without Jake by her side. 

And for the first time in her life, she tamped out her cigarette, and stood up to clean her home.

—--

Finally, she stumbled upon it. It wasn’t oversized or grandiose… There weren’t fifty steps that led up to its giant iron front doors, and the stained glass that made up the windows looked as though they were built for function, not vanity. No statues lined the front walls, and the bells that tolled from its steeple sounded cheerful and gracious, instead of ominous and foreboding. 

The perfect church.

Her feet didn’t stumble as she climbed the steps, and her hand didn’t burn as she pushed the heavy door open, like she thought it would. The temperature inside was a stark difference from the icy wind that cut through her outdoors, and the sweet smell of incense and burning wick caught her senses right off the bat. She slowly stepped inside, letting her eyes adjust to the new light. 

It was radiant, glowing and warm as her feet carried her further inside, completely enveloping her in an otherwise peaceful embrace. Though she still felt as though she could run away if she needed to, something held her there, caught in the trance of the sun casting rainbow rays across the old wooden pews. A few bodies scattered here and there littered them, every one of them knelt and unmoving as they likely had come here for the same reason she had. Repentance. 

Her line of sight finally caught the very front of the church and fixed in on the Crucifix hanging above a large, wooden table. ‘Strange…’ she thought to herself, still not calling herself educated or open-minded enough to want to understand the symbology of everything that had to do with a church. 

Flickering candles lined the walls, and she finally caught sight of more statues, giant bouquets of flowers, and even lavish chandeliers hanging from the tall and towering ceilings, all of it making her feel like she was two feet tall. 

‘Maybe this was a bad idea…’ her conscience tried to tell her. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t be in a place like this, after all…’

Her heart started beating heavily in her chest as the dominating ceilings began to feel like they were swallowing her up, and the candles felt as though they were going to ignite, setting the entire place on fire had she let out the breath she’d been holding. She turned on her heels and began making a mad dash for the doors, instantly regretting even walking through them, at all. 

“Miss?” she heard a man’s voice. “Can I help you?”

She turned to find an older man dressed in all black, walking toward her just as she reached for the door handle. “Are you lost, my child?”

Her hand gently gripped the handle as she stopped, finally letting out the choppy breath she’d been harboring until she could let the bitter cold rip her lungs to shreds again. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder as she looked at him, knowing that he was just the person she had come here to find. 

“I–uh, I was just wondering if…” She stumbled over her words, because in all reality, she hadn’t even rehearsed them. Something in her didn’t even think she’d make it this far into the outskirts of the city, let alone come face to face with a Priest. 

He lowered his head and looked above his glasses as if it would help him understand her better, his expression full of anticipation. Soft anticipation. 

She cleared her throat, finding herself. “I was just wondering if you would allow me to… to take part in uhm, confession…?”

“Confession? Are you saved, child?” he asked, his voice simply curious. 

“No, sir. I just would like to… I’m seeking a bit of forgiveness, and this is the first place I thought of to… to find it?” she asked again, wringing her hands together. 

He studied her for a few beats, a slight smirk finding his lips as he held his hand out. “Of course, Miss. I’d be happy to assist you, in the confessional, just over here…” he motioned to the side of the grand room toward an old wooden structure that seemed to jut out from the wall it was against. It had two doors, both standing wide open as if they were inviting her inside. 

“Just there?” she reiterated, suddenly feeling a bit uneasy. 

“Mm,” he responded with a smile. “You go on inside, I’ll be right in behind you,” he said, taking a few steps in the opposite direction. “Oh, would you prefer face to face, or with the barrier?”

“Uh, I’m not sure—” she remarked, unsure of if she had even seen a confessional besides in the old movies. “Barrier, I suppose.”

“No problem,” he replied, turning once again to rush out of her sight. 

She took a deep breath as she slowly moved toward the small structure, her heart pounding in her ears even more loudly now as she approached it. She didn’t feel threatened by it, per se, but she rather felt that the vulnerability she was about to propose to a perfect stranger would backfire, making her finally come face to face with all the demons that have inhabited her all her life. She was on the brink of letting them consume her, but everytime her mind would teeter on the edge, all she could see was Jake’s face as he left her apartment that day, wrecked and disappointed.

She stepped into the tiny dark space, finding there to be a wooden chair inside, covered in an old rust-colored cushion. A few candles hung on the walls, along with books, pamphlets and bibles tucked away underneath the chair. The barrier that was between the Priest and where she was to sit was like a thin wire lattice, adorned with symmetric designs that reminded her of something she’d seen in a movie once. She slowly took a seat, closing the small door behind her. 

Her eyes watered as she became anxious again, waiting for the Priest to enter on the other side. Her leg bounced up and down as her body heat adjusted from the cold. ‘This is a good idea… this is going to be just fine…’ she thought to herself as she took deep and heavy breaths in and out through her nose. Nothing about this was going to be easy.

Just then, she heard the squeak of the opposite door swinging open, followed by the sound of the Priest entering, clearing his throat. 

“Welcome,” he said, rather cheerfully. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I’ve not seen your face before, and if I have, please forgive me,” he went on. “When was your last confession?”

All she could see was the silhouette of his face, and the outline of the glasses still sitting low on his nose. She could hear the pages of a book rustling in his lap. 

“Um, this–this is the first time,” she admitted, pleased that she was able to be honest. 

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “Well, in that case, the Lord is pleased that you’ve found us here, today. Please, underneath your chair is a guidebook. It will help walk us through the steps.”

She wearily reached below her and pulled out the stack of pamphlets and books, fiddling through them as she looked for what he asked. She dropped a few as they skittered from her hands, all of the wording on the front of them suddenly turning into another language entirely. Her vision started to blur as she felt restless, suddenly anxious as she flipped through the unfamiliar pages. 

“Did you find it?” she hears him ask. 

“No, there are a lot of them…” she responded, still searching. 

“It’s there, a small yellow one…” he said as she continued to juggle the papers.

“Ugh,” she grunted, obviously becoming aggravated.

“You know what? Don’t bother. I’ll walk you through it, sound good?” the Priest said.

“Yeah, sure,” she replied with a little bit of annoyance in her voice, tossing the papers back up underneath the seat. 

“OK, so you say, ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.’”

She stayed silent as she recited the words in her head, feeling as though the entire experience was beginning to shoot straight downhill. This isn’t anything like she imagined. 

Nevertheless, she recited the words back, earning a quick clap from the Priest. “Great,” he said, cheerfully again. “Now, tell me, have you examined your conscience in preparation for your confession?”

A million scenarios began to float through her mind, all of them running into one another as she basically lived the same horrible life, every single day. The only thing that breaks them up is Jake; her memories with him are more extravagant now, since she has learned what life feels like without him. 

“Uh, no? Not really?” she replied, crossing her legs as she tried to get comfortable in the old chair. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Have you stopped to think about what has brought you here today… there has to be a reason that you were feeling as though you needed to get something off your chest, hm?” the Priest replied.

“I mean I didn’t kill anybody in cold blood, if that’s what you’re wanting to know,” she replied sharply.

The Priest let out a bellowed laugh, surely surprised by her words. “Well, I would hope not. This is the time when you confess your sins to the Lord, honestly, and truthfully. Remember, I’m only a vessel to God. Confessing to me and confessing to Him are two very different things.”

“Then why do people come to you?” she asked. “What’s the point if they can just talk to God?”

“That’s an excellent question, child. And, you have a very valid point. I could go on and on about this history of why it is done this way, but that’s not why we’re here today,” he went on. “You can talk to the Lord anytime you please. But it is through my priesthood that I am able to act in persona Christi, or “in place of Christ”, and give you a real experience of confessing your sins to the most high. It’s really just… accountability.”

“Sounds more like you learning all about my business then judging me for it,” she spat back, crossing her arms. “If I went home, and said my confessions out loud, it’d still be an experience, wouldn’t it?” She noted his silence. “But… I’d just have one less person judging me for it.”

There’s a long pause as she awaits an answer from him, but instead she’s met with the sound of a long sigh. 

“What drove you through those doors, child?” He finally asks, a bit of grit to his voice.

She huffed a breath, leaning forward onto her elbows. “I told you, I’m seeking forgiveness. And I’m going to be up front with you, Father, I don’t believe in God.”

She half expected him to tell her to leave, for him to stand up and place blasphemy to her name, banishing her through the doors, and telling her never to return. But he didn’t. 

“All of God’s children are on their own journeys to putting their lives in His hands… and you coming in here today shows that though you might not have fulfilled your journey to acceptance, you’ve at least made the first step.”

“No no, see, I’m not sure you understand me, Father,” she interrupted, her voice growing hasty. “I don’t believe, I have never believed, and I don’t plan on ever being faithful to your God. I would like to make that clear…”

“I see…” he growled, obviously still puzzled why she is there, at all.

“But… the wrong I’ve done in my life… I need to confess it, own up to it. I have no one else to go to. I—I don’t have any family, or any friends who I can get this all out to. And fuck, Lord knows I don’t have enough money to go see a shrink,” she stopped herself. “Shit, sorry, for…sorry.”

“Go on,” she saw the shadow of his hand waving through the metal barrier. 

She sighed. “I guess I just… need to relinquish myself from all the choices I’ve made to become the person that I am. I need to change, I have to change, or else I might lose everything…” she stumbled over the last word, still feeling very conflicted about this whole situation. But she had to do it. Had to do it for him.

“Everything?” the Priest presses after he notices her silence. 

She licked her lips, the faint taste of tobacco still stuck to them. The flavor made her fiend for another. 

“Him,” she replied uneasily. “I could lose him.”

“Your… friend? A significant other?”

“The latter, I guess.” She wanted to stand up and pace the small space, but there was hardly enough room for her to stand up all the way. The walls felt as though they were closing in again, but on the other hand, this Priest was surprisingly easy to talk to. 

“Ah,” he replied, and she saw him adjust his glasses and the book on his lap. “You feel as though you need to make some changes in your life to… meet up to the standards of being with this man? Is that what I’m reading?”

Wow. Well…

“Yes, yeah that’s about the sum of it.” She grit her teeth as the image of Jake’s face thrummed through her mind again. Fuck, she could use a cigarette. 

“Tell me child, what kind of person do you see yourself as?” he asked. 

Her lips pursed hard, and she nearly bit a hole through them. This man had no idea how hard this was. “A bad one. Shitty. Fucked up beyond all repair…”

Her throat felt hollow as the words spilled off her tongue, brash and self-deprecating, just like she always was to herself. But for some reason, admitting it to someone else made it feel all the more harsh. 

“Not one of God’s children is beyond repair, Miss…” he said quietly, letting the words sink through the heavy air. 

“Well, God might have met his match,” she said, kicking back and crossing her legs again. Every bone in her body was begging her to disagree with her conscience, but some force deep inside her decided to stay, though her hands were burning to rush for the doorknob. 

“There is always time…”

“Yeah but what if there’s not, huh? What if he never comes back… and I just stay the way that I am, or I go back to my old ways, and chase him off again? Huh?” Her words travel a mile a minute. “What if I can’t live up to what he wants me to be?”

There was another pause as a short sob found her chest, catching in the back of her throat. Admitting everything out loud had started to weigh on her. She was going to have to dig deep to find the rest. 

“Ma’am, may I call you Ma’am…?” the Priest asked, and she noticed his body language change. 

“Sure. S’fine,” she replied, not really caring to share her name. 

“I know that you said that you don’t have any faith in the Lord, and that you have no interest in getting to know Him. But tell me this, even though you seem to have struggled through your time here on earth, do you still have faith in yourself?”

She paused, feeling his words hit her in the chest. She hadn’t ever thought of that, really. Always avoiding self-reflection for the simple sake of not wanting to hold herself accountable for anything. Or rather, not wanting to face it.

“I suppose, a little. Guess I have to have some, or else I wouldn’t have made it this far in my life. I should’ve been dead a long time ago, Father,” she said quietly, sucking her tongue into the side of her mouth. 

“Is that so?”

“It’s very much so.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, by which way?” he pressed.

She took a sharp breath. “Drugs. Alcohol, bad decisions… the whole nine. Hell, half my life I don’t remember on account of being too fucked up to remember my own name. I’ve kinda moved past that time in my life as of late, though. Cleaned up enough to hold my own, be my own provider,” she said honestly and truthfully, feeling a twinge of pride for herself. “Childhood was ruined from the time I was old enough to walk, I never stood a chance. Let black clouds follow me around. Hell, I invited them along, most of the time. Hardly remember my parents ever being around. Had to succumb to survival at a real, real early age, if you catch my drift,” she went on, her hand habitually reaching into her over-stuffed bag to grip her pack of cigarettes. 

“I see,” he replied. “It seems as though you were dealt an unfair hand from the get go.” 

“Mhmm,” she hummed, pulling a smoke from the pack and placing it between her lips. “I–I stole a lot, took more from people than I care to admit. That’s something that weighs pretty heavy on me,” she admitted with her glare hitting the floor. 

“We ask your forgiveness, Lord,” the Priest muttered, taking in a shaky breath. “God… is all-forgiving, child. Don’t forget that. But to clear one’s conscience, you must first and foremost have the intention of never going back on the promise you make to God, and, to yourself, to never repeat these sins. Do you understand that?”

“I do,” she said. “I–I’m ready for my slate to be clean.”

“And clean it shall be,” he agrees. “If I may, Ma’am, I feel as though you’re withholding something, is there a certain subject you’re avoiding? Something else you’d like to disclose?”

The way that the Priest read her like a book had her dumbfounded. She even wondered, for a split second, if he had once studied psychology. Or hell, maybe it was a class he had to take to become a Priest. Shit, she didn’t know. 

But he had broken her, unwilling to let her deceive him much further. Obviously she had felt comfortable enough to let her heart travel from inside her chest to making its debut on her sleeve, as she sat in disbelief that the Priest had noticed that she was, indeed, holding her gravest secret hostage. 

A secret that, until this moment, she had never even fathomed speaking aloud. A memory that kept her up at night, haunted her daydreams, poisoned her nightmares and hurt her soul to its absolute core. It was a decision that she made that altered the course of her life, set her sails to a heading that she never saw herself sailing to. It possessed the back corners of her mind, cursed every word that fell from her lips, and enveloped her body with so much guilt, some days she wasn’t sure she deserved to be on this earth. 

The sole reason she never let anyone get close to her, for fear of putting her ill-will directly onto them, solely by way of association. 

“Might be,” she clipped, tossing the tiny red lighter over and over in her hand as the devil on her shoulder begged her to light it. Her hands began to shake and tremble with nerves, the need for nicotine overtaking her entire being as she felt her lungs begin to burn. Finally she succumbed, igniting the lighter to life as she brought it to the end of her cigarette. “Mind if I smoke in here?” she muttered before letting it light all the way. 

She heard the Priest snicker to himself. “We don’t have smoke alarms… I’ll light some incense later,” he replied. 

She laughed through her nose. “Really?”

“If it will help you through this, then I won’t tell anyone. There are some things in life that just… are.”

She hastily smiled as she took her first long, drawn out puff. “You smoke sometimes too, don’t you Father?” she asked, watching as the small room filled with the effects of her cheap smokes. 

“I haven’t been a shepherd of the Lord my whole life,” he admitted with a little lilt to his voice. “I was a teenager in the 1960’s.”

“Ahh,” she replied, “so you’ve lived a little?” Suddenly she felt as though she wasn’t sitting here in a holy and blessed building where people come to take in the body and blood of Christ, but instead, she’s sitting at a barstool, having a drink and a smoke and sharing wisdom with an old-timer. 

“I have,” he says confidently. “Sinned through my fair share of years. Was married, and divorced. Wasn’t even called to Priesthood until I turned 40. Tell me, have you ever heard the term Come to Jesus moment?”

“Yeah, I have. That what happened to you?”

“Sure was. Nearly died in a diving accident. I was drowning. Water was filling my lungs. Until I looked up to the surface, saw a light more pristine and more beautiful than I had ever experienced, and God spoke to me.”

“He spoke to you…”

“He did. As clear as day, I heard His voice in my mind. Told me to swim up. That I wasn’t finished, yet. I had a mission on earth that I had to fulfill. I was always a spiritual person, but it was that day that I became a devout, religious man of God. A shepherd of His Word amongst men. And I have never looked back,” he explained with energy in his tone. 

“Wow…” she said, so taken by his story that she forgot about the cigarette burning in her hand. She tapped the ashes into a small metal box she kept in the front zipper of her bag. “So, just like that, you decided you’d never be the same again?”

“Just like that.”

“That must have been powerful,” she agreed, running her hand along her thigh. 

“More powerful than you could ever imagine, Ma’am,” he said with a quiet whisper. “Think about it, a man who’s life was consumed with normalcy, and driven into heartache from a divorce. I thrived on sex, and partook in activities every man of my age did. I got to experience it– I got to live. Not many men of my profession get to say that. And trust me, it took some convincing of those above me. But, I think that is why I am able to do what I do so well, I’m able to connect with God’s children, because I too, have lived a lot of the same life.”

She sat stunned, suddenly wishing that she could look him in the eye as he admitted such sensitive information to her. Was this the normal exchange of a Confession? She wasn’t sure, but, as the minutes ticked, her chest began to feel lighter and lighter. 

“I think that is a very valid conclusion to make, Father,” she said honestly. “You’ve never been tempted to go back? Realized you made a mistake?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t overstepping. 

“Temptation is the work of the Devil. And I am only human. Being tempted with lust for anything in life is part of the human experience, and God wrote that into our souls when he created us. But the other gift He gave us was free will, and the ability to overcome such temptation, should we so choose it. God wants us to live, of course, but only if it is through a life that mirrors Him, and the life of His son, Jesus.”

She smirked through an exhale. “Sounds like you needed to hit this cigarette just as badly as I did.” 

He laughed. “I appreciate the offer, child, but I believe that would go against too many rules.”

She genuinely smiled to herself, realizing that talking to him might have been one of the better decisions she’s made, as of late. The weights were being lifted off her shoulders, the heaviness was dissolving in her chest. Her place sitting in this Holy Barstool was becoming quite comfortable. 

She felt all the air leave her lungs as she let herself decide. Finally, she felt ready to disclose her deepest, darkest secret. 

“So you are right, Father, I am holding something else back,” she said, tamping the cigarette out. She wouldn’t realize it until later, but the Priest knew that if he opened up just a bit more than normal about his own life, then it might help her to feel more comfortable disclosing hers. And he was right. 

“Please, child, let your burden be free…”

She swallowed, feeling the taste of bile rising in her throat as she tried her best to swallow down her nerves again. 

“I was twenty-one, somewhere on the road between here and Texas. I was… caught up with some guy I had no business bein’ with, sharing his bed and his lifestyle. Half-alive, if you know what I mean. I don’t– my memory is fuzzy, of everything that led up to then. I was constantly high, living off of scraps and booze.” She shuddered at the memory, feeling the cold of the air outside beginning to creep in again. 

“Well, turned out that man had a wife. And that wife was caught up in the same shit that we were. It was… it was a fucked up situation. She came back one day, didn’t give half a damn that I was even there. Never even threw a fit, never yelled, never argued about it. There were people in and out of that house all the time. But, she didn’t come back alone. She came back with… with a ten month old baby. Baby boy…” She suddenly felt a cold rush of tears puddling in the corners of her eyes. Her jaw clenched, and her fingers went numb.

“It was their son. And the Mom, she… she was just as hooked on the shit as the rest of us were,” she said. She began to cry, letting the frozen tears coat her cheeks, allowing them to fall freely. Her voice shook, and her chest heaved as she not only recounted the memory, but she admitted it. 

“That baby was barely surviving. I remember trying to console him… it was none of my business but… you know. Sometimes his parents were too far gone to even–” she could hardly finish. “I can still hear his cries. I can still remember how it felt to hold him, trying to find whatever I could to feed him. Fuck…”

“Let it go, child. Keep letting it out…” the Priest encouraged with a softness. 

She took a deep breath, her eyes blurry with tears and regret. Her chest felt so heavy she could hardly breathe. 

“That baby was–was me, Father. Just born twenty-one years later. Born into the same hellhole that I had been, and already fighting for his life. I knew how that baby felt, I knew exactly how he–” Her sentence clipped again as she wiped her tears, getting herself together, somewhat. 

“I remember that day, it was hot as Hell outside. There were people in that house, just–people, strangers, everywhere. All there for the same fucked-up reasons. And that baby, he was hungry, cryin’. We’d uh… we’d caught word that there were eyes on the house, and that there could be a raid soon, so everyone was scrambling. I had become that baby’s caretaker, I was the only one with enough sense to take care of him, using my pennies to buy him diapers, whatever I could. And believe me, I was in no shape to be doing even that. But… I knew I was going to have to run soon. If there was going to be a raid, I knew I had to get gone. It was that, or go to prison. I– I had to make a decision that night, to leave. Leave that baby there, with them…” 

Her throat was tight, and her limbs had gone numb. The headache that had begun to consume her was blinding, but she accepted the pain as punishment, just like always. 

“I uhm, I made it out. The raid actually did go down. But I heard… But I heard that baby didn’t make it. He didn’t– he didn’t survive, and I did. I did! I should have taken him with me… I should have gone to the police, told someone about him, but… I was too selfish. I was too sick in my own head…” 

The tears were pouring from her nose and eyes, and though she was doing all she could to keep them at bay, she welcomed them, feeling some sort of strange semblance of… peace? No, peace was not the word. There was no word to describe this type of emotion. 

“The decisions we make can alter the course of our lives, no matter how positive or negative they may be…” the Priest lamented, his voice heavy with empathy. 

“Yeah,” she agreed sarcastically. “And my conscience has been nothing but a weapon to myself, ever since. I–I have never forgiven myself for that. I’m not sure that I ever will.”

“And you may not,” the Priest agreed. “Sins like that are ones that are particularly grueling to overcome.”

“I’ll say,” she gritted, wiping her nose with her sleeve. 

“You’ve taken the first step though, haven’t you?”

“What, telling you?”

“Yes, admitting to yourself that you made a grave mistake, even though the fate of that child was out of your hands, essentially,” he replied. 

“Yeah, but– I could have done more, I could have helped him–”

“And how do you know what you would have done would have helped?”

“Anything would have been better than what he got,” she cried, her voice hollow. “Anything.”

“I don’t disagree with you, child. Carrying this burden on your shoulders has probably been the hardest thing in your life.” 

“It was, it is. But–after that, I got clean. I checked myself into rehab. Never touched the shit again. Though I still have my vices, and I still make decisions that aren’t much better… that part of my life is over.”

“That was step two,” he said. 

“I guess so,” she agreed. “Still doesn’t help the hole in my heart. The guilt.”

“My child, you may carry this guilt with you for the rest of your life. I’m sure there is not much anyone can say to take that away. Your life is your own, and though you made a decision all those years ago, that fate does not lie in your hands. That child had parents with a responsibility. They failed him. They failed him so much more seriously than you did,” he went on. “The fact that you had a conscience, have a conscience about it tells me that you are much bigger of a person than you give yourself credit for.”

“But I’ve let that decision guide my life, I’ve let it consume my every move…”

“And where has it gotten you? You’re still blessed with the gift of life, yes?”

“Yes, but–”

“Then now, starting to-day, turn it around. Start living your life for you, instead of against you. Let yourself lean away from the guilt instead of into it. Let yourself feel happiness, let yourself be loved, even if it is in a different image of God than what the true believers do. Live your life in honor of that sweet baby boy, and not in vain of him.”

His words struck her silent again as she felt the fingers of grief tapping on her ribcage, tickling at the deepest depths of her mind and soul, letting her know that yes, maybe peace is possible. Maybe forgiveness is attainable. Maybe absolution is within reach. 

“Sometimes life is dark. Sometimes life is bright. Sometimes it’s cloudy and muffled and confusing, and other times it’s so desolate that we don’t know where to go. What to do with it.” His words still felt weighted as he spoke without expecting much of an answer… almost like he was reveling in her heartache, too. “But it is up to us as humans to live and serve to the utmost degree. Life is a gift.”

“That it is,” she said solemnly. 

“The Lord pulled me from that dark place, Ma’am, that much I can tell you to be truth. Whether or not you accept Him into your life is your prerogative. But there are other passageways, other paths you can follow to find yourself again. Your true self, the one that apparently someone has fallen in love with.”

Her eyes cast downward onto the worn wood of the floor, scuffed and beaten from years of tired souls visiting this same seat, laying everything out on the line for this stranger. 

“I don’t know why he loves me,” she whispered. 

Her heart felt like a fluttering mess, dancing in her chest at the just thought of Jake. But it was quickly extinguished as she remembered how she treated him, how her heart didn’t know how to reciprocate. Shattering itself into a thousand pieces, beating only to keep her alive. It knew how to do that much, at least. But anything more, anything greater than herself was out of the question. 

“Does anyone really know why they love something? Truly?” he pressed. 

“Not sure what you mean…”

“We can come up with a thousand reasons that may aid in the description of how we love things and people, measurable to certain degrees. But there is no one true word to describe why we love these things. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries, an emotion that God gifted us that is so strong, it can overcome anything that stands in its way. Might you agree?”

She nodded, letting his words sink in again. “I could agree with that, though I’m not sure I’ve ever felt it.”

“You loved that baby boy, that much, I am sure of,” the Priest went on. “You exemplified more compassion for that child that you didn’t even know than his own parents did. And you still blame yourself for everything that happened to him. That, my dear, is love.”

She blinked a few times, glancing at his silhouette on the other side of the screen. It could be true, she supposed, that that deep and grating feeling she felt each and every time she thought of that baby could be… love, though in her mind, it was always masked by feelings of grief. 

“And this man in your life that you say you don’t understand his compassion toward you… Could you place him in the same category as you are, with that child?” he pressed. “Though you never knew that child aside from those few short days with him, could this man not share those same binding emotions?”

She sat silent. 

“Love doesn’t disguise itself, Ma’am. It is, and has always been, one of the most pertinent and obvious phenomena since the dawn of time. We can’t explain it, we can’t harness it… sometimes it slips through our fingers before we even have a chance to recognize it. But you my dear, seem to have recognized it. Or else, you wouldn’t be here, hmm?”

“He deserves someone so much better than me… he deserves the entire world…” 

“Then give it to him! Give him your world! Pick yourself up, dust off everything that keeps you from feeling happiness, and throw it to the wayside. Give him you, dear. Truly, that’s all a good man wants… is to be loved in return. Respected. Respected by a good woman who respects herself.”

She bites her lips together again, reciting his words over and over in her head. Give him your world…

“We could all go to be with God tomorrow, child. Waste your time no longer, allow yourself to surrender to a life you deserve… Do you believe you deserve him, and his love for you?”

She swallowed down another sob, suddenly feeling as though she could relinquish herself, and give everything to Jake, if it meant that the next time he stepped into her home, he promised to never leave. “I think I could get to that point, yes. I–He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me… He’s brilliant, caring, a provider… He’s strong and his compass never strays. He makes me laugh, god, he makes me laugh. The good kind where you have tears running down your face and you’re gasping for air. He… challenges me. He shows me empathy when I don’t deserve it. Hell, I never deserve it,” she pauses. “I can’t imagine my life without him beside me, and I don’t ever want to have a dream that he isn’t in. He’s shown me more passion than any man I’ve ever known… selfless, in every sense of the word. He’s all I’ve ever known of…love.”

Ah, there it was. 

Finally, the word graced her lips like a welcome taste of sweet sugar, biting only a little bit, but that was solely out of shock. Love… love… suddenly it didn’t seem like such a burden. It didn’t feel like poison in her mouth or fire burning her tongue. It felt like a thousand soft hands and the warmth of a coffee on a cold morning. It felt like a comforting embrace, a reassuring hand holding hers. Finally, her walls of stone had begun to crumble, all at the hands of imagining a life without her lover. 

“Then go to him, tell him.”

“How–how can I explain myself? How can I make sure I’ve covered all my ground and that I don’t miss a thing?” she asked, a little bit panicked. 

“Write him a letter. Go home, sit down, and write it all out. That way you can cover all your bases, without the urgency of telling him face to face. And be there… when he is ready to discuss it all. If this man is able to pull you from your own depths of despair, then he deserves an explanation from your heart. A true one.”

She nodded again, actually considering that writing Jake a letter could be manageable. She knew he would be back soon, and she knew that as soon as he stepped through the door, he would be expecting something.

Suddenly she wanted to run. And this time, not away, but to. 

“Am I redeemed, Father?” she asked with a bit of urgency in her tone. 

“Are you leaving God’s house with self-absolution, child? Are you truly sorry for your sins?”

“Yes. Yes, I am truly sorry. I will change, I will. I have to…” she barked genuinely, standing to collect her things. 

“Then through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Go in peace, child. Love, and serve.”

“Thank you, thank you, Father…” she plead with sincerity, feeling a fierceness in her chest that she’d never felt before. 

“Go home, and pick up a pencil! Don’t stray away from it, embrace it!” she heard his voice as she stood to exit the confessional. She stepped out and let her eyes adjust back to the vibrant rainbow light that was reflecting off the white walls, and took a second to catch her breath. She heard and felt the Priest emerge behind her, and she turned to face him again. 

“I feel like I could hug you, but, that might be a little…” she laughed awkwardly. 

Instead, he held out his hand, wrinkly yet firm for her to shake. “Time is of the essence, child,” he directed, looking down his nose again through his thin wire glasses. “Go, seek your peace.”

She gave him a genuine smile and released his handshake, rushing toward the doors with one thing in mind- absolution, and the feeling of Jake’s lips finally returning to hers. 

—--

“What’s this?” Jake asked as he let her heavy front door fall closed gently behind him. They were the first words that escaped his lips when he finally pushed his way through her front door that next morning, his hair still damp from the icy rain outside.

His eyes trained and his finger pointed to the envelope and letter placed meticulously on the floor in front of him, before he glanced back up to her, sitting sweetly on her newly-vacuumed couch. 

“It’s for you,” she muttered, clearing her throat of its nerves. “It’s… everything…” 

Jake’s brow furrowed as he hung his soaking wet coat on the back of a chair and bent down, taking the stark white paper in his hands.

“To: The one I’ve sinned against…” he read quietly. “Is this from you?” 

“It is,” she shuddered through a breath, standing up to meet him. “It’s everything I needed to say, everything that I needed to admit to… everything is, there…” 

His hollow eyes fluttered up to meet hers, now full of a little more life than they had just a few days ago. She looked rested, she looked alert. Even more so, she looked peaceful. 

“Just read it, Jake, and… then you can decide. If you want to put your coat back on, or leave it hanging there,” she said, resting her hand on the center of his chest again, gently scratching her fingernails into the fabric of his shirt. “Either way, whatever you decide, I will be okay with. But, please, just don’t let my demons scare you away. I learned a lot since you’ve been gone… and I think… I think I’m ready to change. Hang it all up, y’know.”

She heard a forced breath flow through Jake’s nose as she watched his nostrils flare, and he gripped the note in his hand even more tightly. 

She sauntered off to another part of the house to give him privacy to read, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t hear the sound of his arms slipping back through his coat, and the door slamming behind him, yet again. 

—--

It’s twenty minutes or more before she hears him shuffling into the bedroom, his fingertips knocking lightly on the doorframe. Her chest bursts with emotion as she raises her head from it’s place in her hands, downtrodden and sick with worry that he was going to see himself out in her absence. 

But to her surprise, his presence is suddenly breaking its way into her room, bright yet brooding as she feels his energy close to her again. 

“Can I come in?” he asks through a whisper. 

“Sure, yeah,” she replies, moving a pillow from beside her so that he can sit. 

He inhales a deep breath as he looks around her room, a room that is covered so heavily in everything her… her posters, her music, her photos… the burnt-orange scarf that lived over the lamp in the corner, dulling the bright light she just couldn’t handle. Her multitude of candles burned, along with the scent of dragon’s blood incense that she kept at an almost constant. He breathed it in, taking note of the flashbacks that littered his mind of all the fornication that has happened on this bed, all the love that he thought they were making. Enveloped by it all, all so effortlessly and authentically her. 

He sat down beside her, feeling the tensity of the air between them. 

“I read it all,” he breathed. “Every sentence. Twice.” 

“You read it twice? Jake, that had to of been fifteen pages of me just–”

“I don’t care. I wanted to absorb it all. I wanted to remember each sentence,” he cut her off. 

The two of them sat in silence for a minute or two before Jake found the courage to speak. 

“You’ve really been through it, haven’t you?” he asked, wringing his hands together between his knees. 

Her eyes cast down to the floor as she blinked. “Yeah, you could say that.” At the last second, she decided to add into the letter every instance in her life that she didn’t disclose with the Priest… instances in which she thought she could use some type of punishment. She gave details, she admitted everything. She left nothing to question, and wrote her letter in such a way that Jake could find no excuses for her. 

“Everything in there was true, everything was honest?” he asked, turning to her again. 

She exhaled, terrified of what was to come next, shaking with fear that he may see her as even less than he did before. “Yes. All of it. Cross my heart…” 

It was quiet again for a beat before she turned, taking his hands in hers. “Jake, I know that I am no cup of tea. I’m not a ray of sunshine, and I’m damn sure not wife material. I don’t know how to be an adult, and I bring more sadness to any situation than I can ever bring happiness. I’m messy, I’m stoic, and I can’t cook for shit… But, you– you have uncovered a side of me that I had no idea existed. You took me and shook me out, caring for the parts of me that needed to die a long, long time ago. I still don’t know why, and for the life of me, I don’t know how, but you found the good in me… You found it before anybody else on this earth did. Before even I did, and for me to treat you the way that I did, the way that I have… you don’t deserve that. I should be thanking you, I should be bowing at your feet for even having considered that I could be someone that you share yourself with…” Her words were traveling faster than she could think them, and now, as she stared into his deep honey brown eyes, she almost regretted writing the letter. She could have just said it all herself. 

“You’ve instilled something in me, recharged a battery that I didn’t know was dead. I still don’t know why but you raised me from whatever ashes I was in, and you knocked enough sense into me to make me stand up for myself, for us…”

She watched as his hands began to hold hers back, his hardened expression slowly softening.

“Us…” he muttered questioningly, his voice sounding like it was a hundred miles away. 

She was surprised. “If… if you still wanna consider me…as such…” she complied, hoping that she wasn’t chasing him away again. 

He let go of her hands as he stood from the bed, running his fingers through his long, tangled hair. She watched as he paced, his sock-covered feet slowly stepping across her wood floors. 

“You know I should just turn around and walk right out of here…” he finally said, his voice raised. “I should just say fuck it, after the way you treated me…”

“You should…and, if you do, I don’t blame you, Jake—“

“I didn’t deserve that shit, I deserved better than that…” His eyes pierced at her from their corners, sending a cold chill down her spine. He was growling, his chest heaving as his demeanor turned darker than she’d ever seen it before. “I deserve someone who is going to make me whole…”

She nodded, those same tears she let fall in the confessional yesterday finding her eyes again. “You do, you do…”

His jaw clenched as she saw his fists ball up at his sides, and she knew that whatever emotion he was feeling was either going to overtake him, or he would push it away. There was going to be no in between. Her chest tightened with anxiousness. 

Suddenly his body was slowly lurching over hers, his wide shoulders closing in around her. His face became impossibly close, his breathing heavy and slow. His entire aura felt wicked, so unlike his normal sticky-sweet self. His eyes were hooded…dark and heavy as he forced her body backward without even touching her. A polar-opposite magnet, invisibly charged and making every muscle in her body succumb to the way his energy was bending her. 

“Tell me you will never hurt me again… tell me you want me for everything I have to give you…” he muttered, trying his best to convince her. 

“I—I’m ready to change, Jake… I know I have to if I want to keep you..”

“Keep me,” he repeated through a whisper, his mouth so close to hers now. She felt his fists rest on either side of her on the mattress, his body weight still towering over her. 

“Yes,” she nodded, her neck lurching up to meet his gaze. “I want you, I’ve always wanted you… I was just—“

“Foolish. Selfish, afraid to love me back,” he tested, his tone dropping down a notch into the voice he used when she’d tempt him in nothing but her nightgown. 

“All those things, yes…” she agreed, feeling herself becoming breathless. “But I’m turning over a new leaf, I don’t want you… to leave me again.”

It wasn’t often that he was the one to get her flustered; normally she held the reigns in every aspect of their sex life. But on occasion, and very rarely, she would allow him to show a little dominance. It was just her expertise, being in charge and making sure she got what she wanted, every single time. Did he love every second of it? Fuck yeah, but sometimes, he prayed for the day when she would allow him to turn her into a panting mess, speechless and tangled in the sheets. 

She felt him lurch toward her again, just the sound of her words making him soften, wanting her even more. 

His jaw stiffened. “You really hurt me, baby. Tellin’ me you never loved me, never cared for me the way I do for you…” Jake went on, finally letting his nose drift across her cheek. Just the simple touch had her muscles tensing and her breathing hitched… even through the somewhat heavy conversation, she still felt the draw to him. “Shot through my heart…”

Her hand finally reached up to cup the back of his neck, pulling him just a little closer. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry,” she huffed. She could go another million years without hearing him say that she was the reason he was feeling pain. Three days ago, she wouldn’t have cared. 

But now…

“The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” she admitted. “Ever again, I swear it.”

“Mmm…” Jake growled, bringing his knee up to rest on the mattress between her legs. “I like hearing you talk to me like this…makes me feel like you might actually like me after all.” His knee pressed further as he lurched again, landing directly on her core. 

‘God,’ she thought to herself, ‘if he only knew…’

His hands finally raised up and landed on her thighs, his palms working with his fingertips to massage her muscle. She could smell his cologne as his proximity grew closer, the scent of it making her head spin with familiarity. Fuck, he is hers. No one else’s… She could barely fathom the thought of another woman breathing him in, touching him, feeling his mouth traveling all over her body…

“I do actually like you, asshole. I like you a lot, don’t make me—“

“Ohhhhh I’m gonna make you say it, baby. You can count on that,” Jake jested, his lips finally landing on her ear. 

She couldn’t even stop it, the tiniest whimper left her lips as she finally felt him make contact. Barely even touched, and she felt as though she could already fall apart at the seams. Her belly was already a fiery mess of intense yearning for him, wanting him more now than ever. She’d never admit it to him, but he was the best fuck she had ever had. Ever. Her stone walls kept her from showing him that, though, never once letting him think he had her wrapped. 

But fuck, his hands… his mouth…

Suddenly her back was on the bed, rushed and forced as Jake’s haughty exterior began to shine through. 

“Make that noise for me again,” he ordered, his hand finally trailing up underneath her shirt, tickling away at her skin. 

Her eyes rolled just a tad as she was not used to being on this side of things, but… give and take; she had to relearn it all. A new mindset was necessary, if it meant keeping Jake all to herself, and never letting him slip through her fingers again. 

“Ahhh, ssss,” she gasped as Jake maneuvered himself to lap away at her stomach and sides. His tongue was as hot as flames, licking her skin and turning her on even more. 

His teeth raked along the hem of her sweatpants as her hands wrapped up in his hair, more or less guiding his movements. 

“Fuckin’ control freak,” he said. “Are you ever just gonna let me take care of you?” 

She pulled on his strands extra hard, reminding him that she is still in there somewhere, deep down. “Don’t make me regret my decision to let my guard down, now, Jacob,” she warned, earning a chuckle from him. 

He stepped back from the bed and slipped his fingertips in her waistline, arching an eyebrow as he bit his lips between his teeth. 

She nodded, giving him the go ahead. He removed her sweats and her underwear slowly, taking in the sight of her naked lower half. For some reason she felt exposed, but in a good way, almost as if she was finally finding the courage to not only bear her body to him, but her soul, too. 

Already mourning the loss of his mouth on her, her body began writhing for his touch again all on its own. Truly, she’d never felt at ease enough to let herself react this way, completely and totally on instinct. 

“You really are fuckin’ beautiful, baby…” he said matter-of-factly. She was used to his praises, but she never took them to heart. She always just thought he was rambling, filling the empty spaces between her moans with any words he could find. “So pretty…”

“Thank you, Jake,” she whispered as his hands found her hips, slowly pulling her down to the edge of the bed. For some reason, she finally heard- and took notice of- the sincerity in his voice. Finally, she believed his compliments to be true. 

He knelt down, and pulled his brown locks into a messy knot at the base of his neck, the visual already making her want to scream. Her legs parted on their own, her body already relishing in the fact that he is still here, he’s here for her. 

“Never get tired of this sight,” he grumbled as he licked his thumb, instantly connecting it to her heat. He began immediate circles, slow and calculated, directly onto her clit. 

Her head flew back into the mess of comforter, her body already stiffening as she felt a singular intense ripple of pleasure roll through her. 

“…Or that sight…” he went on, removing his thumb to be replaced with his tongue. 

“Goddamnit, Ja—“ she breathed, her hands finding his hair, pulling his mouth even further onto her. 

“Taste so damn good baby… so sweet…” he cooed as his tongue gently drifted over her most sensitive spots, each one more euphoric than the last. “Don’t know why, though… as bitter as you always fuckin’ are…”

His words shocked her; he’s never been this vocal during anything intimate, let alone this snarky. 

Her head raised to meet his eyes. “It’s just the way that I am, Jake. Sweetness has never been my forte,” she breathed. He reached up and grabbed her hands, interlocking his fingers with hers. 

“I like you bad, I like you bitter…” he agreed, pressing his face into her, sucking harshly at her as he meticulously rolled and flicked his tongue. 

She was right. Just like his coffee. 

“You’re fuckin’ devious, baby. You terrify me,” he went on, stopping for a breath as her stomach began caving in on itself, the pleasure nearly blinding her. She let go of his hair and covered her mouth, stopping the cries that were daring to fall from her lips as she held on for dear life, ravishing in every single second of this. “But I wouldn’t have you any other way… love you just like this…”

“I could afford to treat you a little better though, don’t you think?” she managed. 

She felt his lips purse up into a half-grin as he paused his movements for a split second before nodding. “Mhm, maybe a little…”

“You deserve…fuck…you deserve to be treated right. And I was always too swept up in my own battle with life to live with you in yours…”

“That’s all I ever wanted, babe…” he hummed as he continued on, his hands now massaging at her ass and hips, guiding her in the right directions as she gasped for every breath she took. “Let go for me…?”

As much as she wanted to let herself fall apart at his mercy, as close as she was to leaping off the edge, she stopped herself, pushing away her ravenous thoughts and reshifting them to focus on him. After all she had put him through, after all this time of not showing him the affection that he deserved, now is the time. She owes him the world. 

She pushed his face away, sitting herself up and stripping her t-shirt over her head. He stood back with a questioning look, the shine of her wetness still coating his face in the dim red-orange light. She gripped his belt buckle, undoing it harshly as he stood there landlocked between the bed and the dresser. “Wha—what are you doing, baby?” he asked, his hands flying up to his sides as he let her work his belt. 

“This is about you…it’s my turn to take care of you…in all the ways you always wanted me to…” she replied, pulling the denim of his pants down over his hips. 

“But I told you I wanted to take care of y—“

“You do. You always do,” she replied, next ripping his still-damp t-shirt over his head. She gripped onto his waist, pulling him down onto the mattress beside her. She took note of the grin that was fighting its way to his lips. “But right now, I want you to tell me what you’ve always wanted from me…tell me what you want me to do, what you want to feel…”

She watched as his facial expression switched from confusion to pure awe as she straddled his waist, both of them fully unclothed, now as she balanced her hands on his chest. ‘God, he is so fucking beautiful…’ she thought to herself. How she could ever deny him total happiness is a sin in itself, a sin that now, she is ready to repent for.

“Go ahead, don’t be shy,” she said, starting to roll her hips a little over his growing length. 

“Uh, well um…” he licked his lips and opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. 

She leaned down and placed her lips to his neck, working her tongue up to his ear. She felt his hips buck up into her at the contact. “Tell me, baby. I wanna love you right…”

His hands gripped her hips again as she could tell he was becoming hungry for her. 

She felt his right hand come up and grip into her hair, pulling her face to the side to whisper into her ear. “I want you to get yourself wet on me,” he growled. 

Fuck. Exactly what she wanted to hear. 

“I can do that,” she agreed, maneuvering herself to sit on top of him, grinding him against her folds. She felt his tip brush over her, her clit already overstimulated from his mouth on her, earlier. She swayed her hips, letting him travel through her without entering her at all. 

“Like that?” she asked, feeling herself dripping all over him. 

His eyes squeezed shut as he bit his bottom lip in. “Mmmh, yeah, just like that,” he said, his jaw clenching over and over. 

She remained this way for another minute or so, listening to the sounds of their bodies meshing together through short breaths and hollow groans. 

“What next, baby… what else?” she pressed. She glanced down at him noticing his brow furrowed in, scowling hard as he watched where their bodies made contact. So incredibly feral for her, and her for him… she wondered why she had wasted so much time relishing in herself, rather than him. 

He shook his head, finally making eye contact. “Nothing… nothing else… just want you to be here with me. No bells and whistles,” he panted, his hips still jutting as she continued to grind. “Just you…”

“I’m here, baby…” she agreed, letting her forehead fall onto his. His hand came up to brush the hair sticking to her forehead back so he could see her eyes. Her body felt like it was floating ten feet above the bed, so high on everything that was him, intoxicated by his presence alone. 

She reached down between them and gripped him in her hand, giving him a few slow and languid strokes. His body reacted in the best way, jerking and thrusting into her hand as he let the most beautiful and pitiful cries fall from his lips. It spurred her on, watching him already falling apart for her. 

“Please, baby…” he begged, his voice full of a lustful tenor that she memorized and shelved as quickly as she could. “Fuck, please…” 

Without a second thought, she lined herself up, letting her wetness cover his tip. She couldn’t lie, her body was vibrating with anticipation; something about this whole exchange already felt different. Lighter and heavier at the same time, feathers mixed with cannonballs. As she sank down on him all the way to the hilt, a switch flipped inside her brain, making her feel as though her body would not survive another second without him, her soul incomplete without him being the other half of her. 

“Motherfucker, baby….shhhhhhit…” Jake growled, steadying himself deep inside her for a few seconds as he took in the sensation. His chopped exhale ended with a harsh blow of his breath, his movements and his sounds muffled in her mind as she became dizzier and dizzier from the pure pleasure. It took her all of ten seconds to gather herself, remembering that sex requires movement, though she would be perfectly content just letting him rest inside her for the rest of eternity. 

She finally lifted up on her hands and began rocking back and forth on him, taking in every sight and sound that came along with it all. Her fingernails dug into his chest as she swirled her hips, alternating between slow grinds and harsh thrusts, all of it sending Jake into another world entirely. 

She’d never felt a pleasure this intense before, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that each and every time with Jake was different. Never once did they fuck in the same way. He kept her guessing, always on her toes in his choices, even though she was the one who normally ran the show. Now, thinking back, it was endearing. Whether or not she knew that he was trying to be suspenseful, or that he really was just a natural in bed didn’t matter— she knew now that all the times she left another man’s bedroom while Jake was waiting for her at home was all for nothing. 

No one would ever compare to him. No one had ever even come close. 

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, huh?” he asked, licking his lips as his hands began to control her rolling hips. 

“Nothing,” she breathed. “Just… I don’t think you understand how sorry I am, for everything. All the times I stepped out on you…and…you’re still here, you’re—“ She could hardly finish her sentence. “I wanna cry just thinking about it. I was awful to you, and you’re perfect. You’re—“

Like he could hear her thoughts, and just as she was about to let another wave of satisfaction roll through her, he brought his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her gently to meet his lips. He kissed her hard, rolling his tongue against hers as his fingers wrapped themselves in her hair. Sometimes, when he kissed her, she would feel a pang of something deep in her gut, a feeling that was fleeting before it left her altogether. She could never harness it, and had no idea what it was… but she chased it, becoming addicted to the hunt of finding it again. 

But this time, it came, and it stayed. That wrenching feeling that she felt so often with him, taking up shop in her subconscious for more than those normal three seconds. 

It felt like a surge of electricity, a sensation that she’d never be able to duplicate with any substance on earth. His lips glided and his hands squeezed, making her feel safer than she ever had. Her brain became fuzzy with want… something stronger than want… stronger than need. 

Suddenly, the frayed string that held her to Jake felt like coiled wire, strong enough to span mountains, and tough enough to withstand any weather it may encounter. No longer did her mind feel the need to stray as he fucked back into her, no longer did she feel the need to push him away when he’d express himself to her. She wanted to feel it… know it, lock it up inside herself and throw away the key. 

She wanted all of him, every last atom and cell. She wanted to belong to him. She wanted to reciprocate. 

“I almost left you, so many times…” he breathed, pulling back and landing his head down on the pillow. “Almost said fuck it, she doesn’t need me, she doesn’t want me… something inside me told me to stay. As idiotic as that sounds.”

“You were idiotic. Completely stupid for staying with me,” she said through a grin. 

“I never asked you to be mine, though. I had no way of justifying the fact that I couldn’t blame you for stepping out. You weren’t really mine, anyway,” he argued, and he was right. Though they spent nearly every waking moment together for those six months, they never made anything official. They never made any promises. 

“I was always fucking yours, Jake,” she gritted, pulling off of him to lie down on her back. Her hands dug into his sides and pulled him to lie on top of her. 

His knee kicked her legs apart and he wasted no time in entering her again, unwilling to separate for more than a second. He pressed particularly harshly into her, jutting himself so far in that she felt a slight pain. “How can I believe you, now? How can I know this is for real?” 

She cried out at the mix of pain and pleasure, her mind blurred at the feeling of him so deep inside her. She needed more. “Agh, fuck, please keep going,” she begged, her eyes knit shut. “You’ve just gotta trust me, baby. Trust me…” she breathed, letting her eyes clear and stare deeply back into his, letting him know she was serious. “Everything is gonna change, now. M’not fucking this up…”

“Tell me you swear,” he begged as his thrusts became more pointed, eliciting repetitive high-pitched squeals from her. He stretched her as far as she could go, the sounds of their bodies slapping together reverberating off the walls and shaking the bedframe. “I’m not gonna waste any more of my time if you truly don’t want me here…”

Her hands reached behind her and gripped the sheets as she held on for dear life, letting Jake take her, have her, wholly and completely. 

“I fucking swear,” she promised, grabbing his jaw and lips in her hand, squeezing. “Just you… me and you…” She pulled him down to kiss her again, still craving that guttural feeling. And thankfully, it found her again. 

She basked in it as her release came full force at her- bright white and vibrating every inch of her body. She cried out as she let it overcome her, letting herself feel everything for the very first time. 

Jake wasn’t far behind her. “Fuck, god, fuck…” he groaned, gasping and clenching through his own climax as the ripples flowed through both of them like harsh storm winds. His arms had enveloped her, his head rested on her shoulder and buried into her neck as they both tried catching their breath, a warmth already shrouding them in the sweetest protection they could ever imagine. 

They both laid just like that for as long as the day let them, exhausted and content with the fact that they had found their way around their biggest roadblock, yet. 

Courage found her like a magnet to metal as she felt a surge of confidence overtake her. “Jake, baby, did we just make love?” 

He lifted his head from her shoulder, letting the prettiest laugh escape from his chest. “Uh, you tell me…”

She took a breath. “I don’t know… I’ve never— But that felt…”

“Fucking perfect?”

“Yeah… more than perfect…” she admitted honestly, unable to find the words to describe what she was feeling. 

The chemicals in her brain had finally mixed in a way that didn’t feel like poison. The switch that flipped had decided to stay on, not even giving her a choice in the matter to decide to turn it back off. The emotion that was taking up space within her felt more addictive than any substance she’d ever done— love, finally, her new drug of choice. 

It just took an admission for the ages to a stranger of a Priest for her to feel it. 

“Then maybe we did…” Jake agreed, rolling off of her. “Time will tell.”

She propped up on her elbow to look at him as he lied there beside her, hot and exhausted as he finally found his breath. 

“Can you teach me how to love, Jake?” she asked, feeling small. 

He gave her a look that melted her all over again as he picked up her hand, bringing each of her fingers to his lips and kissing them one by one. 

“That’s not something that’s taught, baby. But I think you’re selling yourself short…”

“Really?”

“Mhm. You’re the most intensely vivacious and unapologetic woman I have ever met in my life. You take no shit, and you’re smarter than you think. Your perception of the world is unlike anybody else’s, like I’d kill to see the world through your eyes, sometimes. You’re passionate as fuck, just not in the ways that most people think is conventional. You always stick up for the little guy, defend people who can’t defend themselves. You’re hot-blooded and confident, sexy as fuck… you could be a millionaire on OnlyFans in like a week, tops…”

“Shut the fuck up,” she laughed, brushing her hand across his chest. 

“M’serious,” he went on. “You think you’re this downtrodden and forlorn soul destined for the pits of hell, putting up walls and shutting people out, but. I think you just do that because you know your worth, even if you think that worth is less than dirt. You know that your spirit isn’t just for everybody… but damned if I’m not glad you’ve agreed to share it with me.”

Her eyes glared back into his as she fought to understand how, and why Jake is still here, still hanging on, still being the best. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” she questioned with a whisper. 

“I dunno, baby. Guess we gotta keep proving we deserve each other. You’ve toughened me up more than you realize. Made me want to cut my own bullshit and get real,” Jake said. “Taught me that I have to stand up for what I want.”

“I taught you that?”

“In a roundabout way, yeah,” he said, rubbing his fingers over his mustache. “I wanted you, I wanted you so badly that I stuck around until you decided you wanted me back, yeah?” he smiled. 

“Yeah… I suppose you did.”

“I have a question, though… you said that what made all this happen is that you went to… a Church? What in god’s name made you do that?”

She laughed at the irony of his sentence. “I guess exactly that.” She got up and sat cross-legged on the bed, hugging a pillow into her chest. “I think… I think humans can only survive so long without feeling a way they know they should feel. I knew deep down that I had sins to own up to, and one capital sin, at that. I couldn’t talk to just anyone about that, ya know? Didn’t want to admit all that to you, just yet. So I thought, hey, maybe God would like to hear from me? It couldn’t hurt my case, only help it, I guess. Who better to confess everything I had bottled up inside me, than to “the only one who can truly forgive me”?” She placed air quotes around the words, repeating back what society had taught her. She bit her lip in, thinking back on the whole experience. “I guess in the end just saying all those things out loud to someone who wouldn’t pass judgment onto me was exactly what I needed. Just to admit them to myself. I was about to crack…”

He nodded, placing his arm behind his head. “I can definitely understand that.”

“I hope it worked… I swear on my life I already feel a little more whole, a little less worthless,” she admitted. 

Jake’s thumb reached to brush across her lips. “You were never fucking worthless, baby. Never. You were worth everything in the world, are worth it.”

She shook her head as she looked away, the image of that baby’s face still so prevalent in her mind. He haunted her every second, and though she was coming to realize that that whole ordeal all those years ago may not have been entirely her fault, it was still going to resonate with her for the rest of her life. No amount of admittance or repenting was ever going to take that away. 

“You know, that baby that I mentioned in the letter… the one that I took care of before everything went to hell…?” she asked, her voice quiet. 

“Yeah, your capital sin…”

She took a breath. “You know his name was Jacob…”

Jake’s eyes grew ten times in size, his jaw falling slack in disbelief. “You’re kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding you. Hell of a coincidence, huh?”

“Wow, I’ll fuckin’ say… I–I am so sorry that happened, baby,” Jake relented as he cupped her cheek in his hand. “Truly, I know you wish that things would have gone differently. I’m sure you think about him every day.” 

“Every second.”

Jake took in a breath. “Is there anywhere we can… go visit him? So you can talk to him?”

She softened at his sweet suggestion, gently shaking her head side to side. “No. I wouldn’t even know where to look… where they even buried him. I was hundreds of miles away from here…”

“Well maybe we can look him up. That should be public record, yeah?”

She considered it, while also considering Jake’s selfless proposal. “Maybe so… yeah, that might actually be nice.”

Jake leaned forward and placed a kiss to her knee. “We’ll find him. I promise.”

“You can forgive me, Jake?”

“As long as you stop condemning yourself. Right this minute. We’re gonna work on this together, you have got to realize your self-worth, baby.”

“You’ll be here to help me realize it?”

“Every second of the way,” he promised. 

She rolled to sit on top of him again, his hands landing on her thighs. She admired the way his hair flowed in messy strands over her pillow, the way his skin still glistened with sweat. In that second, she knew she had never seen anything more beautiful. More striking, and more positively hers. 

“I’m ready to love you, Jake. I swear to god I’m going to spend every second making you the happiest man on earth, making up for lost time. Proving to you I’m sorry, that you’re worth it all…” she promised, tears threatening her again with the overload of new emotions. But she welcomed them. 

“Don’t cry, gorgeous. S’all gonna be okay…”

——

“Are you sure you want me to come with you? I mean… this feels a little bit strange,” Jake perked as he tossed his cigarette butt into the sand-filled ashtray on the street. 

She took Jake’s hand as she pulled him up the steps of the Church, the sun already brightly shining as it hit high-noon. The church bells of the city all tolled, signaling the new hour, and letting her know that Father James would be pacing around the pews, refilling bulletins and straightening hymnals. 

“Yes, come on… I really want you to meet him,” she urged, pulling his hand even harder. 

“Baby, I don’t go to Church anymore, I don’t believe in this kind of stuff…” he argued. 

“Neither do I. But that’s not to say that it doesn’t exist, hm?” she pressed, arching her eyebrows as they landed on the top step. “Just because we don’t choose to believe and be faithful doesn’t mean we can’t find comfort in some of the things it has to offer…I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t come in here that day and talked to Father James… confessed everything to him… Took all his advice…”

“I know, I know, but… what if he tries to— I dunno. Convert us, or whatever?” 

She laughed out loud. “He’s not gonna do that, Jake. I promise. We just enjoy talking with one another. He’s a wise man, normal. Just like you and me. He’s been at the bottom, too. I promise, you won’t regret walking in here…”

“Fuck, okay. Just for you.”

She blossomed as she realized she’d talked him into it, her face blushing with satisfaction. “I love you, Jake… you know that, right?”

His long exhale drifted away with the Spring breeze as he realized he’d literally do anything for her. Anything in the world. “Yeah, baby. I know that.”

“Good.” 

She pushed open the heavy double doors and made her way inside, her hand acknowledging the holy water that sat beside the entrance, but knowing her place enough to not touch it. The devil still sat on her shoulder, though these days, she’d learned to keep that son of a bitch in check. 

Jake watched as she glided inside, her fingers still wrapped with his. As his eyes adjusted from the sunlight, he took notice of the bright hues of light washed across the room, the sun casting vibrant beams and dim shadows on everything that it touched. 

“Father James! Hello!” Jake heard her voice as they approached an elderly man clothed in all black. 

“Welcome, welcome!” he heard him say. 

“Father, I want you to meet someone… this is—“

“Jacob.” 

The Priest extended his hand to Jake, giving him a smile that felt more genuine than he ever could have imagined. He took his hand in his grasp, knowing that he owed this man the grandest of thank you’s, for helping his love to find her way. 

“Of course, son. I’ve heard so much about you…”

“All good things, I hope?” Jake laughed awkwardly. 

The Priest looked directly at her with endearment painted on his features, his eyes thinning to slits as he smiled from ear to hear. 

“Wonderful things.”

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[gretavanmoon]

Jake x female (AU)

17.4k words

"Criminal" by Fiona Apple spawned this entire idea, heavily inspired

+ Hey y'all... so I'm gonna be honest with you, I have no idea what this is, but Ms. Apple made my mind start wandering... This is not your typical fanfic story, so if you're looking for a quick fix, this probably ain't it LOL. Also, I realized that I was sick and tired of writing in the "fan fiction y/n pov", so this is written entirely in third person. Sorry, not sorry. But I think it works lol. This story contains heavy, adult themes, so proceed with caution

Thank you to @gretavangroupie & @jakeyt for reading <3

Warnings: 18+! Fluff, Crying, Cursing, Smoking, Mention of Drinking, Drug Use and Addiction, Heavy Self-Deprecation, Self-Hate, Mental Anguish, Mention of Sin, Death of a Child, Questionable Circumstances, Mention of Priests & God, Religion and Religious Practices, Living in Squalor, Mention of Police and Raids, Mention of Drowning, Heavy Feelings of Guilt & Grief, Overall Sadness, Self-Reflection, Self-Realization

Smut: Fluff, Kissing, Dirty Talk, Touching, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex, Oral Sex (F! Receiving)

† † †

‘Not you, you’re too obvious,’ she thought to herself, disapproving of the first holy and sacred building she came in contact with. ‘Or you… you look like you’re full of a bunch of liars who only pretend to love their Savior…’ she said to the next. 

Snow covered the soaking wet concrete like cinnamon sprinkled on ice cream, sticking and existing alone for only a millisecond before melding into its sisters and brothers, becoming one with the stark white sheet of frozen sidewalk. The wind howled as it rushed past the outside walls of the skyscrapers, screaming a song that, this time of year, fell on deaf ears. 

She pulled her coat more tightly around her as she navigated the streets in search of the perfect one, the one that seemed like it wouldn’t spontaneously incinerate her once she stepped through its sacred doors. Hell, it’d been nearly fifteen years since she’d stepped foot in a church, anyway. 

‘Look at me, being judgmental of churches. Seems to fit the bill.’

That’s what she expected when she finally were to find one- to burn. All the sin that surrounded her presented itself on a silver platter to anyone she met. She was a dark person, full of ill-will and wicked ways, but she was happy with herself. She indulged in her own horrid habits, letting them lead her life down roads that she enjoyed traversing. The more despicable, the better. She thrived on it. Ate bad decisions for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And if it weren’t for her ethereally gorgeous exterior, you’d think she was a demon reincarnated, destined to walk the earth and ruin more than just the lives of those she came in contact with. 

Each church she passed seemed more decadent than the last, the front steps all adorned with statues of saints and angels, and windows full of colorful glass that made her feel as though all the color had been drained from her world, only to fill them. None of them felt right, none of them felt… welcoming enough. She was taking a risk walking into a church at all, let alone one that she felt comfortable and invited into. It had to be the perfect one.

The blisteringly cold wind was whipping her hair in front of her face as she trudged down the snow-covered paths of the city, taking her breath away with each and every inhale. But she sucked it in, letting it freeze her lungs as extra punishment for her latest sin. She laughed at it, daring it to pierce her even harder as her lungs filled with it, feeling like heavy stones in her chest. ‘Is that all you’ve got?’ she asked the wind, pulling a silver tin and lighter from the deep depths of her shoulder bag. 

She removed one cigarette and turned her back to the wind, cupping her hand over the end to light a cherry. She puffed and took an even deeper inhale, letting the sweet tobacco ignite her senses. She closed her eyes as she faced the harsh wind again, exhaling the smoke as she laughed through the uncomfortable pain she felt in her lungs. 

‘That’s what I thought…’ she cursed the wind again, and continued to strut down the streets, hoping that her search would soon be over.

Trouble seemed to follow her, or moreso, chase after her. Though she would run, it would always catch up with her, enveloping her in every sense of the word. Trouble found her so often that she began to turn around and chase it back, catching up with it and eagerly living in her own world of wrongdoing and chaos as if it were no sweat off her back. She let the bitterness be her guide, and guide her, it did.

It’d always been that way; she was destined to be the dark cloud that hung over even the most joyous of times. She’d learned that as a young child, finding herself alone and fending for herself at an age too young to even note. She grew up fast, learning that the wicked ways of the world were always going to be her solace, and searching for any kind of happiness would end up being her downfall. It always was, and always would be.

She defended herself, made her own money, lived alone and never let anyone take advantage of her and her decisions. She’d thumbed her way across state lines, shacked up with too many men to count, robbed them of every bill in their wallets, and made her way on to the next without even blinking an eye. It was her way of life, and she fed off of the negativity that people spat her way. It fueled her. It gave her a reason to bitch… to hate. To ward off any good soul that would ever make its way into her life. 

That was, until she met Jake. 

Jake, the warm hand that helped her to her feet when she’d fallen down drunk at a bar one night after too many tequila shots on a pool bet. The sweet gentleman who insisted that he drive her home that night, knowing that she shouldn’t take a cab. The genuine soul who helped her into her sorry excuse for an apartment and covered her with a blanket, making sure she had a trash can and water by her side. Jake, the man who made her feel like less of a woman that night as he forced her into basic human safety. 

The man who, since that next morning, has never left the confines of her bed. 

Like a leech that sucked at every last drop of blood in her body, he made his way into her life, intertwining himself with her body in ways that she had never experienced before. He fucked her like a man starved, like a ravenous body whose only source of sustenance was her… mind, body, and soul. 

And she let him. 

She let him sleep in her bed. She let his tongue reach into the furthest depths of her body, bringing her to the brinks of Nirvana again and again and again. She let him make her breakfast. She let him spill his coffee as she straddled him at the kitchen table, fucking him into an oblivion before the sun even bothered to rise. 

She let him talk to her nicely, let him buy things for her, let him soothe her to sleep… she let him stay with her more than he stayed at his own home. Let him make her laugh for the first time in years.

She didn’t know why he stuck around, she chalked it up to him falling in lust with her body… an addiction to her that he couldn’t stave off. She gave him next to nothing in return. Nothing of substance, at least. She brought nearly nothing to the table, and the frail sticks that built the foundation of what some would call a relationship were coated in kerosene, ready to be ignited and burned down at a second’s notice, had she felt it right. 

She didn’t care if he stayed or left. She didn’t care if one day he up and disappeared, it wouldn’t make a difference. Everyone else always left her, what would make him any different? Nothing about her screamed forever, except for the dirty and rotten lifestyle that she had become accustomed to. 

So she lied to him. She pushed him away every chance that she got. She let other men into her life, knowing that the one waiting for her at home would just disappear sooner or later, anyway. She sucked men in dirty bar bathrooms for a buck, thinking absolutely nothing about going back home to her sweet, precious, innocent Jake. She took advantage of him, and reeled in the fact that living it up while she could actually felt good. Because sooner or later, the goodness would fall away, and she’d be left with nothing but her dreadful life once again.

But what was worse than her letting him be the sole purpose of her sexual life source, was that she let him tell her he loved her.

It was a sin greater than anything he’d ever known, a mistake so grave that with those three words, he’d admitted himself into an impossibility he wasn’t even familiar with. That he should run away from, and fast.

‘Take that back,’ she said, her voice groggy and pained as his words hit her in the chest. ‘You take that back right now, Jacob…’

‘I can’t, it’s the truth… I–I don’t want to ever know a life without you in it, baby. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted–’

‘You know that’s not the truth, you’re not blind. You aren’t a dumb man. You know I’m nothing. Take it back right now, or I’ll–

She dropped the dying plant that she held in her hands, satisfied with her inability to keep anything alive in her own home. Fucking figures, nothing ever thrived here, anyway. One less thing to take care of. 

‘No, see… that’s where you’re wrong. You’re everything…’

‘I’m not. I’m worth nothing… my soul is sold, my life is decided…’ she explained, panicked with the way he was showing her such softness. Always, so understanding. ‘I give nothing to you, and I never will. I’m worthless, you’ve got to understand that.’

‘You’re worth everything, baby… just be with me, stay with me, please… Tell me you love me back…’

She walked to him, placing her cold hand on the center of his chest as she glared up at him with blazing eyes. Her lips were coated with a thick red lipstick, matching exactly to the icy blood racing through her veins.

‘I don’t know how to love, Jacob. I never learned, I’ve never been shown… I don’t—I don’t know how.’

‘Don’t you feel it, though?’ he cried, pleading. He fell straight to his knees, wrapping his arms tightly around her legs. ‘You’ve got to feel it, too. God, you make love to me every night…you–’

‘I fuck you, Jacob. There’s a difference.’

He swallowed down his tears as he peered up at her, his knees caked with the dirt from the dead plant. He slowly stood back up, hot tears stinging his eyes. 

‘So none of it is real, then? Everything I feel when I’m with you, after all this time together… you feel nothing for me?’

He really did look pitiful, standing there with pointless tears in his eyes. If she thought about it really hard, really really hard, she might could have dug down deep into the trenches of her psyche to pinch at the trimmings of a tiny emotion that may seem like love… fuck, she had become a little dependent on him for some things in her life. 

But was it love? No. No, love is supposed to make you want to scream from the rooftops, make you want to settle down, start a family, the whole nine. But she felt none of that. All she felt was the satisfaction that she had constant rather fucking good dick in her life and someone to share a lighter with.

Love. The word was repulsive. Making people become their most vulnerable, most distracted versions of themselves. She didn’t have time for that. She had to focus in on herself, and keep it that way. If she didn’t, she feared that she’d lose herself forever. She’d never given another human so much as a second glance in the way of heartfelt emotions, let alone told a man that she loved him. 

‘Jake, do you not understand that the sooner you distance yourself from me, the sooner you’ll be on your way to finding someone who can reciprocate this…love?’ she asked him, her teeth gritted and her arms crossed in disgust. Though her sexual passion for him had been at an all-time high as of late, and she had been planning on asking him to fuck her over the arm of the couch tonight, now, she found his display of vulnerability a bit off-putting. 

‘You’re fucking impossible, babe. I swear to god…’ Jake’s expression turned from pleading to pissed off in a hurry, as he rushed around the room picking up his dirty laundry from random places across the floor. She watched as he angrily ripped a backpack from the closet and began stuffing his belongings into it, sniffing away his agitated tears and rubbing at his dripping nose. 

‘Impossible. I gave myself to you, gave everything to you… I try my best to make you happy, care for you, everything a man would do for the woman he loves. It’s been six fucking months… all this time and you tell me you feel nothing for me…? All this time, I’ve just been a roommate who you fuck…’

She could feel the negative energy flowing off of him, brushing past her and latching onto her skin in a way that felt unfamiliar. It danced around her like a cold breeze in the dead of winter, making her sorry excuse for a heart feel like it had lost its heading. Normally, she’d ravish in his cross attitude and use it to her advantage, but… something about this felt off. It felt serious. 

She watched his figure glide toward her as he threw the backpack over his shoulder, keeping his eyes trained on hers as he approached her. He took her chin between his fingers, lifting her head back so she was forced to stare back at him. The fire in his touch nearly burned her skin to the bone while the blacks of his eyes stared into her more deeply than they ever had before.

‘You may think I’m crazy for loving you, and fuck, maybe I am. But no one has ever promised that life happens just the way we want. I’ve sacrificed a lot for you, changed my whole world around to fit into yours. Now it’s time for you to grow up, get that fucking cursed head of yours on straight, and realize that no one is ever going to care for you the way I do. No one will, ever. I just need you stop being so fucking hard headed, and realize what’s in front of you before you let this hell you live in consume you.’ 

She was left stunned. Speechless, but not caught off guard. She knew this day would come. She knew his emotions would boil down to this. And though the wall she surrounded herself with was ten feet high and built of concrete, the look in Jake’s eyes and the determination in his voice created a crack. Nothing more than a fissure that had the potential to grow, but she’d be damned if she let it crumble. 

She replied with a few blinks and a deep breath, staving off the faintest feeling of tears fighting their way to the forefront. He was breaking her down, but she couldn’t let him know that. 

His top lip snarled. ‘I knew you’d have nothing to say.’

And he wasn’t lying. He knew his confessions would be met with resilience as her inability to let him in stood unmoving. The fortress she’d built up around herself was stronger than he’d realized. He just thought… maybe… if he let his truth show in its entirety, if he laid himself at her feet and let the words of adoration fly freely that she’d show some type of reciprocation.

But she didn’t. She never has. And, maybe she never will. 

She felt his shoulder bump into hers as he brushed past her, huffing through an unbelieving laugh as he made his way to the door. 

‘I’m leaving. Giving you a few days to come to your senses, or maybe not. I’ll be back to say goodbye. Get my shit. And when I do you can tell me to go, or you can ask me to stay. Whatever you decide, I’ll do.’

His hand rested on the doorknob as he looked back at her, taking her in one final time before she heard the mechanism turn. She held true, not willing to allow him to see her expression show even the least amount of emotion. He didn’t speak another word as she watched his back step through the door, slamming it hard behind him as silence began to take up shelter in her home.  

And then, like a gunshot to the chest, she felt her ribs begin to shudder, and her limbs begin to lose their function. Her head spun, her stomach churned. Dizziness filled her head and she lost all ability to form a thought. What had she done?

She felt the tears spring to her eyes finally, warm and stinging as she couldn’t even believe they were there. A man, making her…cry? It couldn’t be… this doesn’t happen. Ever. 

But fight as she may, she couldn’t stop them. In fact, the more she tried to suppress them, the more heavily they fell. And not only was it tears, the grief that suddenly struck her was felt through the entirety of her body, shaking and crashing through her so fiercely that she fell to her knees, realizing that she was now kneeling in the dirt that Jake had just been in. The mess that she created. 

She gripped herself in grief, curling into a ball on the floor, uncaring that the soil was now covering her stark white blouse. The blouse that Jake had bought her on his birthday this year, insisting that his best gift would be to see her in it, with no other shred of clothing on underneath. 

She lied there confused and uncertain why it felt like the world had just ended, when all that had happened was another man had decided to exit her life, just like always. It felt like a shot through her heart, a physical pain she’d never endured before, at the loss of him. 

Hours, she layed on the cold hardwood, letting the grief consume her while trying her damndest to stifle it off. It wracked through her in heavy sobs, moments of clarity completely overtaken by bouts of harsh, mind-numbing pain. She should have chased after him, she should have yelled and screamed his name…

She argued with the fact that what she was feeling was real, but still so distant from her normal emotions when she’d be deserted. She was used to this. It’s part of her norm, but why does this time feel so different?

He said he’d be back…there’s still time to…

Jake had shown her more mercy than any man– any human– had shown her in her entire life. He’d loved her through all her faults, cared for her when she had no idea how to care for herself. But she’s nothing more than the mirror image of this dirt on the floor– why did he care?

She rolled over to her back, staring at the last bit of sunlight shining a stream of light across the ceiling. She watched as the dust floated through it, illuminating the streaks of dirt that sullied the corners of her home. Tobacco stained the walls that were once white, making them appear more brown and blotchy than bright and clean. Her furniture was broken and stained, and her old records lay in disarray across her tabletops. 

She took a breath as she finally felt the tears start to dry, turning on her side to take a closer look at her floors. Dusty and unclean, just like her walls. Her rugs were caked with dirt from shoes that were never kicked off at the door. Scuffs painted the once beautifully shined hardwood, and she noticed that the place reeked of uncleanliness. 

She rolled over and got up on all fours, feeling as though her body had been hit by a freight train. Her chest shuddered again as she fought off another sob, brought on by catching sight of Jake’s still half-full coffee cup resting on the table. “Half a teaspoon of sugar, nothing else. I don’t like anything in my life being too sweet,” she whispered out loud, reciting his daily mantra as she would pour their cups from the carafe. 

Just then, her eyes shot open, a realization hitting her almost as hard as the sound of Jake slamming the door earlier. 

Never once did Jake try to clean the floors. Never once did he try and dust the corners, or fix the furniture. He was happy just existing in her home, just the way that it was. “Too sweet”, she repeated as she sat back on her heels, wiping the cold tears from her cheeks. Of course… 

Just like her. 

He liked bitterness. He liked sharpness, and rigidity. He enjoyed the grittiness and sometimes even sourness of her world. Why else would he have stayed? He didn’t prefer the cream and the sugar and flavors, just black. With one-half teaspoon of sugar. Just like his coffee in the morning, he loved her just the way she was, took her in without really trying to change her. 

He lived in her unclean house, resided in her hollow excuse for a home. Slept in her sheets that could have used some bleach, all the while knowing that if he tried to fix it, if he tried to change anything about her home, it wouldn’t be hers anymore. It wasn’t his place, it wasn’t his to fix. Sure, he would have done so if she’d asked. But he knew damn good and well to not overstep when it came to any kind of argument with her. He’d always lose. 

Realization hit her like a ton of bricks, the same bricks and heavy stone that built up the walls she’d enclosed herself in. All of them, tumbling down and crashing around her as she finally realized that she’d chased away the only good thing that had ever happened to her, watching him turn his back on their life together with a scowl on his face and distaste on his tongue.

But he’s coming back… 

But coming back to what? The same old shit? The same old miserable person who shamed him for showing her his deepest form of intimacy? Or on an even more basic scale, showed her compassion?

She rolled to sit on her ass, hugging her knees in around herself as she tried to catch her breath. The sun was setting now as a darkness began to fill the room, the absence of sunlight breaking her heart even further. Normally she thrived in the darkness, but right then, it felt like it was going to consume her. 

Dirty dishes sat in the sink. Mail sat piled up on the counter, unread and forgotten. Piles of laundry took up every corner, and her pantry shelves sat empty. “What the fuck is wrong with me…” she whispered again to no one in particular. She turned and crawled over to her couch, leaning her back against it as she reached for her pack of cigarettes. She lit one up, letting her head rest back onto the cushions as the smoke drifted up from her lips. The first few stars were beginning to poke their way into the night sky, but the light pollution from the city only let six or eight make their debut. 

So she focused in on one, staring at it until her eyes went dry and the ash of her cigarette fell onto the couch, burning yet another hole in the soft, brown leather. She destroyed everything she touched. Jake would be smart to stay far away from her, never looking back as he went on with his life in the way that he wanted to live it. 

But she knew that he would come back. And he would come back expecting change. Making decisions for other people wasn’t something she was ever a fan of, but the hole in her heart felt as though it was only growing bigger and bigger with every breath she took without Jake by her side. 

And for the first time in her life, she tamped out her cigarette, and stood up to clean her home.

—--

Finally, she stumbled upon it. It wasn’t oversized or grandiose… There weren’t fifty steps that led up to its giant iron front doors, and the stained glass that made up the windows looked as though they were built for function, not vanity. No statues lined the front walls, and the bells that tolled from its steeple sounded cheerful and gracious, instead of ominous and foreboding. 

The perfect church.

Her feet didn’t stumble as she climbed the steps, and her hand didn’t burn as she pushed the heavy door open, like she thought it would. The temperature inside was a stark difference from the icy wind that cut through her outdoors, and the sweet smell of incense and burning wick caught her senses right off the bat. She slowly stepped inside, letting her eyes adjust to the new light. 

It was radiant, glowing and warm as her feet carried her further inside, completely enveloping her in an otherwise peaceful embrace. Though she still felt as though she could run away if she needed to, something held her there, caught in the trance of the sun casting rainbow rays across the old wooden pews. A few bodies scattered here and there littered them, every one of them knelt and unmoving as they likely had come here for the same reason she had. Repentance. 

Her line of sight finally caught the very front of the church and fixed in on the Crucifix hanging above a large, wooden table. ‘Strange…’ she thought to herself, still not calling herself educated or open-minded enough to want to understand the symbology of everything that had to do with a church. 

Flickering candles lined the walls, and she finally caught sight of more statues, giant bouquets of flowers, and even lavish chandeliers hanging from the tall and towering ceilings, all of it making her feel like she was two feet tall. 

‘Maybe this was a bad idea…’ her conscience tried to tell her. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t be in a place like this, after all…’

Her heart started beating heavily in her chest as the dominating ceilings began to feel like they were swallowing her up, and the candles felt as though they were going to ignite, setting the entire place on fire had she let out the breath she’d been holding. She turned on her heels and began making a mad dash for the doors, instantly regretting even walking through them, at all. 

“Miss?” she heard a man’s voice. “Can I help you?”

She turned to find an older man dressed in all black, walking toward her just as she reached for the door handle. “Are you lost, my child?”

Her hand gently gripped the handle as she stopped, finally letting out the choppy breath she’d been harboring until she could let the bitter cold rip her lungs to shreds again. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder as she looked at him, knowing that he was just the person she had come here to find. 

“I–uh, I was just wondering if…” She stumbled over her words, because in all reality, she hadn’t even rehearsed them. Something in her didn’t even think she’d make it this far into the outskirts of the city, let alone come face to face with a Priest. 

He lowered his head and looked above his glasses as if it would help him understand her better, his expression full of anticipation. Soft anticipation. 

She cleared her throat, finding herself. “I was just wondering if you would allow me to… to take part in uhm, confession…?”

“Confession? Are you saved, child?” he asked, his voice simply curious. 

“No, sir. I just would like to… I’m seeking a bit of forgiveness, and this is the first place I thought of to… to find it?” she asked again, wringing her hands together. 

He studied her for a few beats, a slight smirk finding his lips as he held his hand out. “Of course, Miss. I’d be happy to assist you, in the confessional, just over here…” he motioned to the side of the grand room toward an old wooden structure that seemed to jut out from the wall it was against. It had two doors, both standing wide open as if they were inviting her inside. 

“Just there?” she reiterated, suddenly feeling a bit uneasy. 

“Mm,” he responded with a smile. “You go on inside, I’ll be right in behind you,” he said, taking a few steps in the opposite direction. “Oh, would you prefer face to face, or with the barrier?”

“Uh, I’m not sure—” she remarked, unsure of if she had even seen a confessional besides in the old movies. “Barrier, I suppose.”

“No problem,” he replied, turning once again to rush out of her sight. 

She took a deep breath as she slowly moved toward the small structure, her heart pounding in her ears even more loudly now as she approached it. She didn’t feel threatened by it, per se, but she rather felt that the vulnerability she was about to propose to a perfect stranger would backfire, making her finally come face to face with all the demons that have inhabited her all her life. She was on the brink of letting them consume her, but everytime her mind would teeter on the edge, all she could see was Jake’s face as he left her apartment that day, wrecked and disappointed.

She stepped into the tiny dark space, finding there to be a wooden chair inside, covered in an old rust-colored cushion. A few candles hung on the walls, along with books, pamphlets and bibles tucked away underneath the chair. The barrier that was between the Priest and where she was to sit was like a thin wire lattice, adorned with symmetric designs that reminded her of something she’d seen in a movie once. She slowly took a seat, closing the small door behind her. 

Her eyes watered as she became anxious again, waiting for the Priest to enter on the other side. Her leg bounced up and down as her body heat adjusted from the cold. ‘This is a good idea… this is going to be just fine…’ she thought to herself as she took deep and heavy breaths in and out through her nose. Nothing about this was going to be easy.

Just then, she heard the squeak of the opposite door swinging open, followed by the sound of the Priest entering, clearing his throat. 

“Welcome,” he said, rather cheerfully. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I’ve not seen your face before, and if I have, please forgive me,” he went on. “When was your last confession?”

All she could see was the silhouette of his face, and the outline of the glasses still sitting low on his nose. She could hear the pages of a book rustling in his lap. 

“Um, this–this is the first time,” she admitted, pleased that she was able to be honest. 

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “Well, in that case, the Lord is pleased that you’ve found us here, today. Please, underneath your chair is a guidebook. It will help walk us through the steps.”

She wearily reached below her and pulled out the stack of pamphlets and books, fiddling through them as she looked for what he asked. She dropped a few as they skittered from her hands, all of the wording on the front of them suddenly turning into another language entirely. Her vision started to blur as she felt restless, suddenly anxious as she flipped through the unfamiliar pages. 

“Did you find it?” she hears him ask. 

“No, there are a lot of them…” she responded, still searching. 

“It’s there, a small yellow one…” he said as she continued to juggle the papers.

“Ugh,” she grunted, obviously becoming aggravated.

“You know what? Don’t bother. I’ll walk you through it, sound good?” the Priest said.

“Yeah, sure,” she replied with a little bit of annoyance in her voice, tossing the papers back up underneath the seat. 

“OK, so you say, ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.’”

She stayed silent as she recited the words in her head, feeling as though the entire experience was beginning to shoot straight downhill. This isn’t anything like she imagined. 

Nevertheless, she recited the words back, earning a quick clap from the Priest. “Great,” he said, cheerfully again. “Now, tell me, have you examined your conscience in preparation for your confession?”

A million scenarios began to float through her mind, all of them running into one another as she basically lived the same horrible life, every single day. The only thing that breaks them up is Jake; her memories with him are more extravagant now, since she has learned what life feels like without him. 

“Uh, no? Not really?” she replied, crossing her legs as she tried to get comfortable in the old chair. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Have you stopped to think about what has brought you here today… there has to be a reason that you were feeling as though you needed to get something off your chest, hm?” the Priest replied.

“I mean I didn’t kill anybody in cold blood, if that’s what you’re wanting to know,” she replied sharply.

The Priest let out a bellowed laugh, surely surprised by her words. “Well, I would hope not. This is the time when you confess your sins to the Lord, honestly, and truthfully. Remember, I’m only a vessel to God. Confessing to me and confessing to Him are two very different things.”

“Then why do people come to you?” she asked. “What’s the point if they can just talk to God?”

“That’s an excellent question, child. And, you have a very valid point. I could go on and on about this history of why it is done this way, but that’s not why we’re here today,” he went on. “You can talk to the Lord anytime you please. But it is through my priesthood that I am able to act in persona Christi, or “in place of Christ”, and give you a real experience of confessing your sins to the most high. It’s really just… accountability.”

“Sounds more like you learning all about my business then judging me for it,” she spat back, crossing her arms. “If I went home, and said my confessions out loud, it’d still be an experience, wouldn’t it?” She noted his silence. “But… I’d just have one less person judging me for it.”

There’s a long pause as she awaits an answer from him, but instead she’s met with the sound of a long sigh. 

“What drove you through those doors, child?” He finally asks, a bit of grit to his voice.

She huffed a breath, leaning forward onto her elbows. “I told you, I’m seeking forgiveness. And I’m going to be up front with you, Father, I don’t believe in God.”

She half expected him to tell her to leave, for him to stand up and place blasphemy to her name, banishing her through the doors, and telling her never to return. But he didn’t. 

“All of God’s children are on their own journeys to putting their lives in His hands… and you coming in here today shows that though you might not have fulfilled your journey to acceptance, you’ve at least made the first step.”

“No no, see, I’m not sure you understand me, Father,” she interrupted, her voice growing hasty. “I don’t believe, I have never believed, and I don’t plan on ever being faithful to your God. I would like to make that clear…”

“I see…” he growled, obviously still puzzled why she is there, at all.

“But… the wrong I’ve done in my life… I need to confess it, own up to it. I have no one else to go to. I—I don’t have any family, or any friends who I can get this all out to. And fuck, Lord knows I don’t have enough money to go see a shrink,” she stopped herself. “Shit, sorry, for…sorry.”

“Go on,” she saw the shadow of his hand waving through the metal barrier. 

She sighed. “I guess I just… need to relinquish myself from all the choices I’ve made to become the person that I am. I need to change, I have to change, or else I might lose everything…” she stumbled over the last word, still feeling very conflicted about this whole situation. But she had to do it. Had to do it for him.

“Everything?” the Priest presses after he notices her silence. 

She licked her lips, the faint taste of tobacco still stuck to them. The flavor made her fiend for another. 

“Him,” she replied uneasily. “I could lose him.”

“Your… friend? A significant other?”

“The latter, I guess.” She wanted to stand up and pace the small space, but there was hardly enough room for her to stand up all the way. The walls felt as though they were closing in again, but on the other hand, this Priest was surprisingly easy to talk to. 

“Ah,” he replied, and she saw him adjust his glasses and the book on his lap. “You feel as though you need to make some changes in your life to… meet up to the standards of being with this man? Is that what I’m reading?”

Wow. Well…

“Yes, yeah that’s about the sum of it.” She grit her teeth as the image of Jake’s face thrummed through her mind again. Fuck, she could use a cigarette. 

“Tell me child, what kind of person do you see yourself as?” he asked. 

Her lips pursed hard, and she nearly bit a hole through them. This man had no idea how hard this was. “A bad one. Shitty. Fucked up beyond all repair…”

Her throat felt hollow as the words spilled off her tongue, brash and self-deprecating, just like she always was to herself. But for some reason, admitting it to someone else made it feel all the more harsh. 

“Not one of God’s children is beyond repair, Miss…” he said quietly, letting the words sink through the heavy air. 

“Well, God might have met his match,” she said, kicking back and crossing her legs again. Every bone in her body was begging her to disagree with her conscience, but some force deep inside her decided to stay, though her hands were burning to rush for the doorknob. 

“There is always time…”

“Yeah but what if there’s not, huh? What if he never comes back… and I just stay the way that I am, or I go back to my old ways, and chase him off again? Huh?” Her words travel a mile a minute. “What if I can’t live up to what he wants me to be?”

There was another pause as a short sob found her chest, catching in the back of her throat. Admitting everything out loud had started to weigh on her. She was going to have to dig deep to find the rest. 

“Ma’am, may I call you Ma’am…?” the Priest asked, and she noticed his body language change. 

“Sure. S’fine,” she replied, not really caring to share her name. 

“I know that you said that you don’t have any faith in the Lord, and that you have no interest in getting to know Him. But tell me this, even though you seem to have struggled through your time here on earth, do you still have faith in yourself?”

She paused, feeling his words hit her in the chest. She hadn’t ever thought of that, really. Always avoiding self-reflection for the simple sake of not wanting to hold herself accountable for anything. Or rather, not wanting to face it.

“I suppose, a little. Guess I have to have some, or else I wouldn’t have made it this far in my life. I should’ve been dead a long time ago, Father,” she said quietly, sucking her tongue into the side of her mouth. 

“Is that so?”

“It’s very much so.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, by which way?” he pressed.

She took a sharp breath. “Drugs. Alcohol, bad decisions… the whole nine. Hell, half my life I don’t remember on account of being too fucked up to remember my own name. I’ve kinda moved past that time in my life as of late, though. Cleaned up enough to hold my own, be my own provider,” she said honestly and truthfully, feeling a twinge of pride for herself. “Childhood was ruined from the time I was old enough to walk, I never stood a chance. Let black clouds follow me around. Hell, I invited them along, most of the time. Hardly remember my parents ever being around. Had to succumb to survival at a real, real early age, if you catch my drift,” she went on, her hand habitually reaching into her over-stuffed bag to grip her pack of cigarettes. 

“I see,” he replied. “It seems as though you were dealt an unfair hand from the get go.” 

“Mhmm,” she hummed, pulling a smoke from the pack and placing it between her lips. “I–I stole a lot, took more from people than I care to admit. That’s something that weighs pretty heavy on me,” she admitted with her glare hitting the floor. 

“We ask your forgiveness, Lord,” the Priest muttered, taking in a shaky breath. “God… is all-forgiving, child. Don’t forget that. But to clear one’s conscience, you must first and foremost have the intention of never going back on the promise you make to God, and, to yourself, to never repeat these sins. Do you understand that?”

“I do,” she said. “I–I’m ready for my slate to be clean.”

“And clean it shall be,” he agrees. “If I may, Ma’am, I feel as though you’re withholding something, is there a certain subject you’re avoiding? Something else you’d like to disclose?”

The way that the Priest read her like a book had her dumbfounded. She even wondered, for a split second, if he had once studied psychology. Or hell, maybe it was a class he had to take to become a Priest. Shit, she didn’t know. 

But he had broken her, unwilling to let her deceive him much further. Obviously she had felt comfortable enough to let her heart travel from inside her chest to making its debut on her sleeve, as she sat in disbelief that the Priest had noticed that she was, indeed, holding her gravest secret hostage. 

A secret that, until this moment, she had never even fathomed speaking aloud. A memory that kept her up at night, haunted her daydreams, poisoned her nightmares and hurt her soul to its absolute core. It was a decision that she made that altered the course of her life, set her sails to a heading that she never saw herself sailing to. It possessed the back corners of her mind, cursed every word that fell from her lips, and enveloped her body with so much guilt, some days she wasn’t sure she deserved to be on this earth. 

The sole reason she never let anyone get close to her, for fear of putting her ill-will directly onto them, solely by way of association. 

“Might be,” she clipped, tossing the tiny red lighter over and over in her hand as the devil on her shoulder begged her to light it. Her hands began to shake and tremble with nerves, the need for nicotine overtaking her entire being as she felt her lungs begin to burn. Finally she succumbed, igniting the lighter to life as she brought it to the end of her cigarette. “Mind if I smoke in here?” she muttered before letting it light all the way. 

She heard the Priest snicker to himself. “We don’t have smoke alarms… I’ll light some incense later,” he replied. 

She laughed through her nose. “Really?”

“If it will help you through this, then I won’t tell anyone. There are some things in life that just… are.”

She hastily smiled as she took her first long, drawn out puff. “You smoke sometimes too, don’t you Father?” she asked, watching as the small room filled with the effects of her cheap smokes. 

“I haven’t been a shepherd of the Lord my whole life,” he admitted with a little lilt to his voice. “I was a teenager in the 1960’s.”

“Ahh,” she replied, “so you’ve lived a little?” Suddenly she felt as though she wasn’t sitting here in a holy and blessed building where people come to take in the body and blood of Christ, but instead, she’s sitting at a barstool, having a drink and a smoke and sharing wisdom with an old-timer. 

“I have,” he says confidently. “Sinned through my fair share of years. Was married, and divorced. Wasn’t even called to Priesthood until I turned 40. Tell me, have you ever heard the term Come to Jesus moment?”

“Yeah, I have. That what happened to you?”

“Sure was. Nearly died in a diving accident. I was drowning. Water was filling my lungs. Until I looked up to the surface, saw a light more pristine and more beautiful than I had ever experienced, and God spoke to me.”

“He spoke to you…”

“He did. As clear as day, I heard His voice in my mind. Told me to swim up. That I wasn’t finished, yet. I had a mission on earth that I had to fulfill. I was always a spiritual person, but it was that day that I became a devout, religious man of God. A shepherd of His Word amongst men. And I have never looked back,” he explained with energy in his tone. 

“Wow…” she said, so taken by his story that she forgot about the cigarette burning in her hand. She tapped the ashes into a small metal box she kept in the front zipper of her bag. “So, just like that, you decided you’d never be the same again?”

“Just like that.”

“That must have been powerful,” she agreed, running her hand along her thigh. 

“More powerful than you could ever imagine, Ma’am,” he said with a quiet whisper. “Think about it, a man who’s life was consumed with normalcy, and driven into heartache from a divorce. I thrived on sex, and partook in activities every man of my age did. I got to experience it– I got to live. Not many men of my profession get to say that. And trust me, it took some convincing of those above me. But, I think that is why I am able to do what I do so well, I’m able to connect with God’s children, because I too, have lived a lot of the same life.”

She sat stunned, suddenly wishing that she could look him in the eye as he admitted such sensitive information to her. Was this the normal exchange of a Confession? She wasn’t sure, but, as the minutes ticked, her chest began to feel lighter and lighter. 

“I think that is a very valid conclusion to make, Father,” she said honestly. “You’ve never been tempted to go back? Realized you made a mistake?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t overstepping. 

“Temptation is the work of the Devil. And I am only human. Being tempted with lust for anything in life is part of the human experience, and God wrote that into our souls when he created us. But the other gift He gave us was free will, and the ability to overcome such temptation, should we so choose it. God wants us to live, of course, but only if it is through a life that mirrors Him, and the life of His son, Jesus.”

She smirked through an exhale. “Sounds like you needed to hit this cigarette just as badly as I did.” 

He laughed. “I appreciate the offer, child, but I believe that would go against too many rules.”

She genuinely smiled to herself, realizing that talking to him might have been one of the better decisions she’s made, as of late. The weights were being lifted off her shoulders, the heaviness was dissolving in her chest. Her place sitting in this Holy Barstool was becoming quite comfortable. 

She felt all the air leave her lungs as she let herself decide. Finally, she felt ready to disclose her deepest, darkest secret. 

“So you are right, Father, I am holding something else back,” she said, tamping the cigarette out. She wouldn’t realize it until later, but the Priest knew that if he opened up just a bit more than normal about his own life, then it might help her to feel more comfortable disclosing hers. And he was right. 

“Please, child, let your burden be free…”

She swallowed, feeling the taste of bile rising in her throat as she tried her best to swallow down her nerves again. 

“I was twenty-one, somewhere on the road between here and Texas. I was… caught up with some guy I had no business bein’ with, sharing his bed and his lifestyle. Half-alive, if you know what I mean. I don’t– my memory is fuzzy, of everything that led up to then. I was constantly high, living off of scraps and booze.” She shuddered at the memory, feeling the cold of the air outside beginning to creep in again. 

“Well, turned out that man had a wife. And that wife was caught up in the same shit that we were. It was… it was a fucked up situation. She came back one day, didn’t give half a damn that I was even there. Never even threw a fit, never yelled, never argued about it. There were people in and out of that house all the time. But, she didn’t come back alone. She came back with… with a ten month old baby. Baby boy…” She suddenly felt a cold rush of tears puddling in the corners of her eyes. Her jaw clenched, and her fingers went numb.

“It was their son. And the Mom, she… she was just as hooked on the shit as the rest of us were,” she said. She began to cry, letting the frozen tears coat her cheeks, allowing them to fall freely. Her voice shook, and her chest heaved as she not only recounted the memory, but she admitted it. 

“That baby was barely surviving. I remember trying to console him… it was none of my business but… you know. Sometimes his parents were too far gone to even–” she could hardly finish. “I can still hear his cries. I can still remember how it felt to hold him, trying to find whatever I could to feed him. Fuck…”

“Let it go, child. Keep letting it out…” the Priest encouraged with a softness. 

She took a deep breath, her eyes blurry with tears and regret. Her chest felt so heavy she could hardly breathe. 

“That baby was–was me, Father. Just born twenty-one years later. Born into the same hellhole that I had been, and already fighting for his life. I knew how that baby felt, I knew exactly how he–” Her sentence clipped again as she wiped her tears, getting herself together, somewhat. 

“I remember that day, it was hot as Hell outside. There were people in that house, just–people, strangers, everywhere. All there for the same fucked-up reasons. And that baby, he was hungry, cryin’. We’d uh… we’d caught word that there were eyes on the house, and that there could be a raid soon, so everyone was scrambling. I had become that baby’s caretaker, I was the only one with enough sense to take care of him, using my pennies to buy him diapers, whatever I could. And believe me, I was in no shape to be doing even that. But… I knew I was going to have to run soon. If there was going to be a raid, I knew I had to get gone. It was that, or go to prison. I– I had to make a decision that night, to leave. Leave that baby there, with them…” 

Her throat was tight, and her limbs had gone numb. The headache that had begun to consume her was blinding, but she accepted the pain as punishment, just like always. 

“I uhm, I made it out. The raid actually did go down. But I heard… But I heard that baby didn’t make it. He didn’t– he didn’t survive, and I did. I did! I should have taken him with me… I should have gone to the police, told someone about him, but… I was too selfish. I was too sick in my own head…” 

The tears were pouring from her nose and eyes, and though she was doing all she could to keep them at bay, she welcomed them, feeling some sort of strange semblance of… peace? No, peace was not the word. There was no word to describe this type of emotion. 

“The decisions we make can alter the course of our lives, no matter how positive or negative they may be…” the Priest lamented, his voice heavy with empathy. 

“Yeah,” she agreed sarcastically. “And my conscience has been nothing but a weapon to myself, ever since. I–I have never forgiven myself for that. I’m not sure that I ever will.”

“And you may not,” the Priest agreed. “Sins like that are ones that are particularly grueling to overcome.”

“I’ll say,” she gritted, wiping her nose with her sleeve. 

“You’ve taken the first step though, haven’t you?”

“What, telling you?”

“Yes, admitting to yourself that you made a grave mistake, even though the fate of that child was out of your hands, essentially,” he replied. 

“Yeah, but– I could have done more, I could have helped him–”

“And how do you know what you would have done would have helped?”

“Anything would have been better than what he got,” she cried, her voice hollow. “Anything.”

“I don’t disagree with you, child. Carrying this burden on your shoulders has probably been the hardest thing in your life.” 

“It was, it is. But–after that, I got clean. I checked myself into rehab. Never touched the shit again. Though I still have my vices, and I still make decisions that aren’t much better… that part of my life is over.”

“That was step two,” he said. 

“I guess so,” she agreed. “Still doesn’t help the hole in my heart. The guilt.”

“My child, you may carry this guilt with you for the rest of your life. I’m sure there is not much anyone can say to take that away. Your life is your own, and though you made a decision all those years ago, that fate does not lie in your hands. That child had parents with a responsibility. They failed him. They failed him so much more seriously than you did,” he went on. “The fact that you had a conscience, have a conscience about it tells me that you are much bigger of a person than you give yourself credit for.”

“But I’ve let that decision guide my life, I’ve let it consume my every move…”

“And where has it gotten you? You’re still blessed with the gift of life, yes?”

“Yes, but–”

“Then now, starting to-day, turn it around. Start living your life for you, instead of against you. Let yourself lean away from the guilt instead of into it. Let yourself feel happiness, let yourself be loved, even if it is in a different image of God than what the true believers do. Live your life in honor of that sweet baby boy, and not in vain of him.”

His words struck her silent again as she felt the fingers of grief tapping on her ribcage, tickling at the deepest depths of her mind and soul, letting her know that yes, maybe peace is possible. Maybe forgiveness is attainable. Maybe absolution is within reach. 

“Sometimes life is dark. Sometimes life is bright. Sometimes it’s cloudy and muffled and confusing, and other times it’s so desolate that we don’t know where to go. What to do with it.” His words still felt weighted as he spoke without expecting much of an answer… almost like he was reveling in her heartache, too. “But it is up to us as humans to live and serve to the utmost degree. Life is a gift.”

“That it is,” she said solemnly. 

“The Lord pulled me from that dark place, Ma’am, that much I can tell you to be truth. Whether or not you accept Him into your life is your prerogative. But there are other passageways, other paths you can follow to find yourself again. Your true self, the one that apparently someone has fallen in love with.”

Her eyes cast downward onto the worn wood of the floor, scuffed and beaten from years of tired souls visiting this same seat, laying everything out on the line for this stranger. 

“I don’t know why he loves me,” she whispered. 

Her heart felt like a fluttering mess, dancing in her chest at the just thought of Jake. But it was quickly extinguished as she remembered how she treated him, how her heart didn’t know how to reciprocate. Shattering itself into a thousand pieces, beating only to keep her alive. It knew how to do that much, at least. But anything more, anything greater than herself was out of the question. 

“Does anyone really know why they love something? Truly?” he pressed. 

“Not sure what you mean…”

“We can come up with a thousand reasons that may aid in the description of how we love things and people, measurable to certain degrees. But there is no one true word to describe why we love these things. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries, an emotion that God gifted us that is so strong, it can overcome anything that stands in its way. Might you agree?”

She nodded, letting his words sink in again. “I could agree with that, though I’m not sure I’ve ever felt it.”

“You loved that baby boy, that much, I am sure of,” the Priest went on. “You exemplified more compassion for that child that you didn’t even know than his own parents did. And you still blame yourself for everything that happened to him. That, my dear, is love.”

She blinked a few times, glancing at his silhouette on the other side of the screen. It could be true, she supposed, that that deep and grating feeling she felt each and every time she thought of that baby could be… love, though in her mind, it was always masked by feelings of grief. 

“And this man in your life that you say you don’t understand his compassion toward you… Could you place him in the same category as you are, with that child?” he pressed. “Though you never knew that child aside from those few short days with him, could this man not share those same binding emotions?”

She sat silent. 

“Love doesn’t disguise itself, Ma’am. It is, and has always been, one of the most pertinent and obvious phenomena since the dawn of time. We can’t explain it, we can’t harness it… sometimes it slips through our fingers before we even have a chance to recognize it. But you my dear, seem to have recognized it. Or else, you wouldn’t be here, hmm?”

“He deserves someone so much better than me… he deserves the entire world…” 

“Then give it to him! Give him your world! Pick yourself up, dust off everything that keeps you from feeling happiness, and throw it to the wayside. Give him you, dear. Truly, that’s all a good man wants… is to be loved in return. Respected. Respected by a good woman who respects herself.”

She bites her lips together again, reciting his words over and over in her head. Give him your world…

“We could all go to be with God tomorrow, child. Waste your time no longer, allow yourself to surrender to a life you deserve… Do you believe you deserve him, and his love for you?”

She swallowed down another sob, suddenly feeling as though she could relinquish herself, and give everything to Jake, if it meant that the next time he stepped into her home, he promised to never leave. “I think I could get to that point, yes. I–He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me… He’s brilliant, caring, a provider… He’s strong and his compass never strays. He makes me laugh, god, he makes me laugh. The good kind where you have tears running down your face and you’re gasping for air. He… challenges me. He shows me empathy when I don’t deserve it. Hell, I never deserve it,” she pauses. “I can’t imagine my life without him beside me, and I don’t ever want to have a dream that he isn’t in. He’s shown me more passion than any man I’ve ever known… selfless, in every sense of the word. He’s all I’ve ever known of…love.”

Ah, there it was. 

Finally, the word graced her lips like a welcome taste of sweet sugar, biting only a little bit, but that was solely out of shock. Love… love… suddenly it didn’t seem like such a burden. It didn’t feel like poison in her mouth or fire burning her tongue. It felt like a thousand soft hands and the warmth of a coffee on a cold morning. It felt like a comforting embrace, a reassuring hand holding hers. Finally, her walls of stone had begun to crumble, all at the hands of imagining a life without her lover. 

“Then go to him, tell him.”

“How–how can I explain myself? How can I make sure I’ve covered all my ground and that I don’t miss a thing?” she asked, a little bit panicked. 

“Write him a letter. Go home, sit down, and write it all out. That way you can cover all your bases, without the urgency of telling him face to face. And be there… when he is ready to discuss it all. If this man is able to pull you from your own depths of despair, then he deserves an explanation from your heart. A true one.”

She nodded again, actually considering that writing Jake a letter could be manageable. She knew he would be back soon, and she knew that as soon as he stepped through the door, he would be expecting something.

Suddenly she wanted to run. And this time, not away, but to. 

“Am I redeemed, Father?” she asked with a bit of urgency in her tone. 

“Are you leaving God’s house with self-absolution, child? Are you truly sorry for your sins?”

“Yes. Yes, I am truly sorry. I will change, I will. I have to…” she barked genuinely, standing to collect her things. 

“Then through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Go in peace, child. Love, and serve.”

“Thank you, thank you, Father…” she plead with sincerity, feeling a fierceness in her chest that she’d never felt before. 

“Go home, and pick up a pencil! Don’t stray away from it, embrace it!” she heard his voice as she stood to exit the confessional. She stepped out and let her eyes adjust back to the vibrant rainbow light that was reflecting off the white walls, and took a second to catch her breath. She heard and felt the Priest emerge behind her, and she turned to face him again. 

“I feel like I could hug you, but, that might be a little…” she laughed awkwardly. 

Instead, he held out his hand, wrinkly yet firm for her to shake. “Time is of the essence, child,” he directed, looking down his nose again through his thin wire glasses. “Go, seek your peace.”

She gave him a genuine smile and released his handshake, rushing toward the doors with one thing in mind- absolution, and the feeling of Jake’s lips finally returning to hers. 

—--

“What’s this?” Jake asked as he let her heavy front door fall closed gently behind him. They were the first words that escaped his lips when he finally pushed his way through her front door that next morning, his hair still damp from the icy rain outside.

His eyes trained and his finger pointed to the envelope and letter placed meticulously on the floor in front of him, before he glanced back up to her, sitting sweetly on her newly-vacuumed couch. 

“It’s for you,” she muttered, clearing her throat of its nerves. “It’s… everything…” 

Jake’s brow furrowed as he hung his soaking wet coat on the back of a chair and bent down, taking the stark white paper in his hands.

“To: The one I’ve sinned against…” he read quietly. “Is this from you?” 

“It is,” she shuddered through a breath, standing up to meet him. “It’s everything I needed to say, everything that I needed to admit to… everything is, there…” 

His hollow eyes fluttered up to meet hers, now full of a little more life than they had just a few days ago. She looked rested, she looked alert. Even more so, she looked peaceful. 

“Just read it, Jake, and… then you can decide. If you want to put your coat back on, or leave it hanging there,” she said, resting her hand on the center of his chest again, gently scratching her fingernails into the fabric of his shirt. “Either way, whatever you decide, I will be okay with. But, please, just don’t let my demons scare you away. I learned a lot since you’ve been gone… and I think… I think I’m ready to change. Hang it all up, y’know.”

She heard a forced breath flow through Jake’s nose as she watched his nostrils flare, and he gripped the note in his hand even more tightly. 

She sauntered off to another part of the house to give him privacy to read, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t hear the sound of his arms slipping back through his coat, and the door slamming behind him, yet again. 

—--

It’s twenty minutes or more before she hears him shuffling into the bedroom, his fingertips knocking lightly on the doorframe. Her chest bursts with emotion as she raises her head from it’s place in her hands, downtrodden and sick with worry that he was going to see himself out in her absence. 

But to her surprise, his presence is suddenly breaking its way into her room, bright yet brooding as she feels his energy close to her again. 

“Can I come in?” he asks through a whisper. 

“Sure, yeah,” she replies, moving a pillow from beside her so that he can sit. 

He inhales a deep breath as he looks around her room, a room that is covered so heavily in everything her… her posters, her music, her photos… the burnt-orange scarf that lived over the lamp in the corner, dulling the bright light she just couldn’t handle. Her multitude of candles burned, along with the scent of dragon’s blood incense that she kept at an almost constant. He breathed it in, taking note of the flashbacks that littered his mind of all the fornication that has happened on this bed, all the love that he thought they were making. Enveloped by it all, all so effortlessly and authentically her. 

He sat down beside her, feeling the tensity of the air between them. 

“I read it all,” he breathed. “Every sentence. Twice.” 

“You read it twice? Jake, that had to of been fifteen pages of me just–”

“I don’t care. I wanted to absorb it all. I wanted to remember each sentence,” he cut her off. 

The two of them sat in silence for a minute or two before Jake found the courage to speak. 

“You’ve really been through it, haven’t you?” he asked, wringing his hands together between his knees. 

Her eyes cast down to the floor as she blinked. “Yeah, you could say that.” At the last second, she decided to add into the letter every instance in her life that she didn’t disclose with the Priest… instances in which she thought she could use some type of punishment. She gave details, she admitted everything. She left nothing to question, and wrote her letter in such a way that Jake could find no excuses for her. 

“Everything in there was true, everything was honest?” he asked, turning to her again. 

She exhaled, terrified of what was to come next, shaking with fear that he may see her as even less than he did before. “Yes. All of it. Cross my heart…” 

It was quiet again for a beat before she turned, taking his hands in hers. “Jake, I know that I am no cup of tea. I’m not a ray of sunshine, and I’m damn sure not wife material. I don’t know how to be an adult, and I bring more sadness to any situation than I can ever bring happiness. I’m messy, I’m stoic, and I can’t cook for shit… But, you– you have uncovered a side of me that I had no idea existed. You took me and shook me out, caring for the parts of me that needed to die a long, long time ago. I still don’t know why, and for the life of me, I don’t know how, but you found the good in me… You found it before anybody else on this earth did. Before even I did, and for me to treat you the way that I did, the way that I have… you don’t deserve that. I should be thanking you, I should be bowing at your feet for even having considered that I could be someone that you share yourself with…” Her words were traveling faster than she could think them, and now, as she stared into his deep honey brown eyes, she almost regretted writing the letter. She could have just said it all herself. 

“You’ve instilled something in me, recharged a battery that I didn’t know was dead. I still don’t know why but you raised me from whatever ashes I was in, and you knocked enough sense into me to make me stand up for myself, for us…”

She watched as his hands began to hold hers back, his hardened expression slowly softening.

“Us…” he muttered questioningly, his voice sounding like it was a hundred miles away. 

She was surprised. “If… if you still wanna consider me…as such…” she complied, hoping that she wasn’t chasing him away again. 

He let go of her hands as he stood from the bed, running his fingers through his long, tangled hair. She watched as he paced, his sock-covered feet slowly stepping across her wood floors. 

“You know I should just turn around and walk right out of here…” he finally said, his voice raised. “I should just say fuck it, after the way you treated me…”

“You should…and, if you do, I don’t blame you, Jake—“

“I didn’t deserve that shit, I deserved better than that…” His eyes pierced at her from their corners, sending a cold chill down her spine. He was growling, his chest heaving as his demeanor turned darker than she’d ever seen it before. “I deserve someone who is going to make me whole…”

She nodded, those same tears she let fall in the confessional yesterday finding her eyes again. “You do, you do…”

His jaw clenched as she saw his fists ball up at his sides, and she knew that whatever emotion he was feeling was either going to overtake him, or he would push it away. There was going to be no in between. Her chest tightened with anxiousness. 

Suddenly his body was slowly lurching over hers, his wide shoulders closing in around her. His face became impossibly close, his breathing heavy and slow. His entire aura felt wicked, so unlike his normal sticky-sweet self. His eyes were hooded…dark and heavy as he forced her body backward without even touching her. A polar-opposite magnet, invisibly charged and making every muscle in her body succumb to the way his energy was bending her. 

“Tell me you will never hurt me again… tell me you want me for everything I have to give you…” he muttered, trying his best to convince her. 

“I—I’m ready to change, Jake… I know I have to if I want to keep you..”

“Keep me,” he repeated through a whisper, his mouth so close to hers now. She felt his fists rest on either side of her on the mattress, his body weight still towering over her. 

“Yes,” she nodded, her neck lurching up to meet his gaze. “I want you, I’ve always wanted you… I was just—“

“Foolish. Selfish, afraid to love me back,” he tested, his tone dropping down a notch into the voice he used when she’d tempt him in nothing but her nightgown. 

“All those things, yes…” she agreed, feeling herself becoming breathless. “But I’m turning over a new leaf, I don’t want you… to leave me again.”

It wasn’t often that he was the one to get her flustered; normally she held the reigns in every aspect of their sex life. But on occasion, and very rarely, she would allow him to show a little dominance. It was just her expertise, being in charge and making sure she got what she wanted, every single time. Did he love every second of it? Fuck yeah, but sometimes, he prayed for the day when she would allow him to turn her into a panting mess, speechless and tangled in the sheets. 

She felt him lurch toward her again, just the sound of her words making him soften, wanting her even more. 

His jaw stiffened. “You really hurt me, baby. Tellin’ me you never loved me, never cared for me the way I do for you…” Jake went on, finally letting his nose drift across her cheek. Just the simple touch had her muscles tensing and her breathing hitched… even through the somewhat heavy conversation, she still felt the draw to him. “Shot through my heart…”

Her hand finally reached up to cup the back of his neck, pulling him just a little closer. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry,” she huffed. She could go another million years without hearing him say that she was the reason he was feeling pain. Three days ago, she wouldn’t have cared. 

But now…

“The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” she admitted. “Ever again, I swear it.”

“Mmm…” Jake growled, bringing his knee up to rest on the mattress between her legs. “I like hearing you talk to me like this…makes me feel like you might actually like me after all.” His knee pressed further as he lurched again, landing directly on her core. 

‘God,’ she thought to herself, ‘if he only knew…’

His hands finally raised up and landed on her thighs, his palms working with his fingertips to massage her muscle. She could smell his cologne as his proximity grew closer, the scent of it making her head spin with familiarity. Fuck, he is hers. No one else’s… She could barely fathom the thought of another woman breathing him in, touching him, feeling his mouth traveling all over her body…

“I do actually like you, asshole. I like you a lot, don’t make me—“

“Ohhhhh I’m gonna make you say it, baby. You can count on that,” Jake jested, his lips finally landing on her ear. 

She couldn’t even stop it, the tiniest whimper left her lips as she finally felt him make contact. Barely even touched, and she felt as though she could already fall apart at the seams. Her belly was already a fiery mess of intense yearning for him, wanting him more now than ever. She’d never admit it to him, but he was the best fuck she had ever had. Ever. Her stone walls kept her from showing him that, though, never once letting him think he had her wrapped. 

But fuck, his hands… his mouth…

Suddenly her back was on the bed, rushed and forced as Jake’s haughty exterior began to shine through. 

“Make that noise for me again,” he ordered, his hand finally trailing up underneath her shirt, tickling away at her skin. 

Her eyes rolled just a tad as she was not used to being on this side of things, but… give and take; she had to relearn it all. A new mindset was necessary, if it meant keeping Jake all to herself, and never letting him slip through her fingers again. 

“Ahhh, ssss,” she gasped as Jake maneuvered himself to lap away at her stomach and sides. His tongue was as hot as flames, licking her skin and turning her on even more. 

His teeth raked along the hem of her sweatpants as her hands wrapped up in his hair, more or less guiding his movements. 

“Fuckin’ control freak,” he said. “Are you ever just gonna let me take care of you?” 

She pulled on his strands extra hard, reminding him that she is still in there somewhere, deep down. “Don’t make me regret my decision to let my guard down, now, Jacob,” she warned, earning a chuckle from him. 

He stepped back from the bed and slipped his fingertips in her waistline, arching an eyebrow as he bit his lips between his teeth. 

She nodded, giving him the go ahead. He removed her sweats and her underwear slowly, taking in the sight of her naked lower half. For some reason she felt exposed, but in a good way, almost as if she was finally finding the courage to not only bear her body to him, but her soul, too. 

Already mourning the loss of his mouth on her, her body began writhing for his touch again all on its own. Truly, she’d never felt at ease enough to let herself react this way, completely and totally on instinct. 

“You really are fuckin’ beautiful, baby…” he said matter-of-factly. She was used to his praises, but she never took them to heart. She always just thought he was rambling, filling the empty spaces between her moans with any words he could find. “So pretty…”

“Thank you, Jake,” she whispered as his hands found her hips, slowly pulling her down to the edge of the bed. For some reason, she finally heard- and took notice of- the sincerity in his voice. Finally, she believed his compliments to be true. 

He knelt down, and pulled his brown locks into a messy knot at the base of his neck, the visual already making her want to scream. Her legs parted on their own, her body already relishing in the fact that he is still here, he’s here for her. 

“Never get tired of this sight,” he grumbled as he licked his thumb, instantly connecting it to her heat. He began immediate circles, slow and calculated, directly onto her clit. 

Her head flew back into the mess of comforter, her body already stiffening as she felt a singular intense ripple of pleasure roll through her. 

“…Or that sight…” he went on, removing his thumb to be replaced with his tongue. 

“Goddamnit, Ja—“ she breathed, her hands finding his hair, pulling his mouth even further onto her. 

“Taste so damn good baby… so sweet…” he cooed as his tongue gently drifted over her most sensitive spots, each one more euphoric than the last. “Don’t know why, though… as bitter as you always fuckin’ are…”

His words shocked her; he’s never been this vocal during anything intimate, let alone this snarky. 

Her head raised to meet his eyes. “It’s just the way that I am, Jake. Sweetness has never been my forte,” she breathed. He reached up and grabbed her hands, interlocking his fingers with hers. 

“I like you bad, I like you bitter…” he agreed, pressing his face into her, sucking harshly at her as he meticulously rolled and flicked his tongue. 

She was right. Just like his coffee. 

“You’re fuckin’ devious, baby. You terrify me,” he went on, stopping for a breath as her stomach began caving in on itself, the pleasure nearly blinding her. She let go of his hair and covered her mouth, stopping the cries that were daring to fall from her lips as she held on for dear life, ravishing in every single second of this. “But I wouldn’t have you any other way… love you just like this…”

“I could afford to treat you a little better though, don’t you think?” she managed. 

She felt his lips purse up into a half-grin as he paused his movements for a split second before nodding. “Mhm, maybe a little…”

“You deserve…fuck…you deserve to be treated right. And I was always too swept up in my own battle with life to live with you in yours…”

“That’s all I ever wanted, babe…” he hummed as he continued on, his hands now massaging at her ass and hips, guiding her in the right directions as she gasped for every breath she took. “Let go for me…?”

As much as she wanted to let herself fall apart at his mercy, as close as she was to leaping off the edge, she stopped herself, pushing away her ravenous thoughts and reshifting them to focus on him. After all she had put him through, after all this time of not showing him the affection that he deserved, now is the time. She owes him the world. 

She pushed his face away, sitting herself up and stripping her t-shirt over her head. He stood back with a questioning look, the shine of her wetness still coating his face in the dim red-orange light. She gripped his belt buckle, undoing it harshly as he stood there landlocked between the bed and the dresser. “Wha—what are you doing, baby?” he asked, his hands flying up to his sides as he let her work his belt. 

“This is about you…it’s my turn to take care of you…in all the ways you always wanted me to…” she replied, pulling the denim of his pants down over his hips. 

“But I told you I wanted to take care of y—“

“You do. You always do,” she replied, next ripping his still-damp t-shirt over his head. She gripped onto his waist, pulling him down onto the mattress beside her. She took note of the grin that was fighting its way to his lips. “But right now, I want you to tell me what you’ve always wanted from me…tell me what you want me to do, what you want to feel…”

She watched as his facial expression switched from confusion to pure awe as she straddled his waist, both of them fully unclothed, now as she balanced her hands on his chest. ‘God, he is so fucking beautiful…’ she thought to herself. How she could ever deny him total happiness is a sin in itself, a sin that now, she is ready to repent for.

“Go ahead, don’t be shy,” she said, starting to roll her hips a little over his growing length. 

“Uh, well um…” he licked his lips and opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. 

She leaned down and placed her lips to his neck, working her tongue up to his ear. She felt his hips buck up into her at the contact. “Tell me, baby. I wanna love you right…”

His hands gripped her hips again as she could tell he was becoming hungry for her. 

She felt his right hand come up and grip into her hair, pulling her face to the side to whisper into her ear. “I want you to get yourself wet on me,” he growled. 

Fuck. Exactly what she wanted to hear. 

“I can do that,” she agreed, maneuvering herself to sit on top of him, grinding him against her folds. She felt his tip brush over her, her clit already overstimulated from his mouth on her, earlier. She swayed her hips, letting him travel through her without entering her at all. 

“Like that?” she asked, feeling herself dripping all over him. 

His eyes squeezed shut as he bit his bottom lip in. “Mmmh, yeah, just like that,” he said, his jaw clenching over and over. 

She remained this way for another minute or so, listening to the sounds of their bodies meshing together through short breaths and hollow groans. 

“What next, baby… what else?” she pressed. She glanced down at him noticing his brow furrowed in, scowling hard as he watched where their bodies made contact. So incredibly feral for her, and her for him… she wondered why she had wasted so much time relishing in herself, rather than him. 

He shook his head, finally making eye contact. “Nothing… nothing else… just want you to be here with me. No bells and whistles,” he panted, his hips still jutting as she continued to grind. “Just you…”

“I’m here, baby…” she agreed, letting her forehead fall onto his. His hand came up to brush the hair sticking to her forehead back so he could see her eyes. Her body felt like it was floating ten feet above the bed, so high on everything that was him, intoxicated by his presence alone. 

She reached down between them and gripped him in her hand, giving him a few slow and languid strokes. His body reacted in the best way, jerking and thrusting into her hand as he let the most beautiful and pitiful cries fall from his lips. It spurred her on, watching him already falling apart for her. 

“Please, baby…” he begged, his voice full of a lustful tenor that she memorized and shelved as quickly as she could. “Fuck, please…” 

Without a second thought, she lined herself up, letting her wetness cover his tip. She couldn’t lie, her body was vibrating with anticipation; something about this whole exchange already felt different. Lighter and heavier at the same time, feathers mixed with cannonballs. As she sank down on him all the way to the hilt, a switch flipped inside her brain, making her feel as though her body would not survive another second without him, her soul incomplete without him being the other half of her. 

“Motherfucker, baby….shhhhhhit…” Jake growled, steadying himself deep inside her for a few seconds as he took in the sensation. His chopped exhale ended with a harsh blow of his breath, his movements and his sounds muffled in her mind as she became dizzier and dizzier from the pure pleasure. It took her all of ten seconds to gather herself, remembering that sex requires movement, though she would be perfectly content just letting him rest inside her for the rest of eternity. 

She finally lifted up on her hands and began rocking back and forth on him, taking in every sight and sound that came along with it all. Her fingernails dug into his chest as she swirled her hips, alternating between slow grinds and harsh thrusts, all of it sending Jake into another world entirely. 

She’d never felt a pleasure this intense before, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that each and every time with Jake was different. Never once did they fuck in the same way. He kept her guessing, always on her toes in his choices, even though she was the one who normally ran the show. Now, thinking back, it was endearing. Whether or not she knew that he was trying to be suspenseful, or that he really was just a natural in bed didn’t matter— she knew now that all the times she left another man’s bedroom while Jake was waiting for her at home was all for nothing. 

No one would ever compare to him. No one had ever even come close. 

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, huh?” he asked, licking his lips as his hands began to control her rolling hips. 

“Nothing,” she breathed. “Just… I don’t think you understand how sorry I am, for everything. All the times I stepped out on you…and…you’re still here, you’re—“ She could hardly finish her sentence. “I wanna cry just thinking about it. I was awful to you, and you’re perfect. You’re—“

Like he could hear her thoughts, and just as she was about to let another wave of satisfaction roll through her, he brought his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her gently to meet his lips. He kissed her hard, rolling his tongue against hers as his fingers wrapped themselves in her hair. Sometimes, when he kissed her, she would feel a pang of something deep in her gut, a feeling that was fleeting before it left her altogether. She could never harness it, and had no idea what it was… but she chased it, becoming addicted to the hunt of finding it again. 

But this time, it came, and it stayed. That wrenching feeling that she felt so often with him, taking up shop in her subconscious for more than those normal three seconds. 

It felt like a surge of electricity, a sensation that she’d never be able to duplicate with any substance on earth. His lips glided and his hands squeezed, making her feel safer than she ever had. Her brain became fuzzy with want… something stronger than want… stronger than need. 

Suddenly, the frayed string that held her to Jake felt like coiled wire, strong enough to span mountains, and tough enough to withstand any weather it may encounter. No longer did her mind feel the need to stray as he fucked back into her, no longer did she feel the need to push him away when he’d express himself to her. She wanted to feel it… know it, lock it up inside herself and throw away the key. 

She wanted all of him, every last atom and cell. She wanted to belong to him. She wanted to reciprocate. 

“I almost left you, so many times…” he breathed, pulling back and landing his head down on the pillow. “Almost said fuck it, she doesn’t need me, she doesn’t want me… something inside me told me to stay. As idiotic as that sounds.”

“You were idiotic. Completely stupid for staying with me,” she said through a grin. 

“I never asked you to be mine, though. I had no way of justifying the fact that I couldn’t blame you for stepping out. You weren’t really mine, anyway,” he argued, and he was right. Though they spent nearly every waking moment together for those six months, they never made anything official. They never made any promises. 

“I was always fucking yours, Jake,” she gritted, pulling off of him to lie down on her back. Her hands dug into his sides and pulled him to lie on top of her. 

His knee kicked her legs apart and he wasted no time in entering her again, unwilling to separate for more than a second. He pressed particularly harshly into her, jutting himself so far in that she felt a slight pain. “How can I believe you, now? How can I know this is for real?” 

She cried out at the mix of pain and pleasure, her mind blurred at the feeling of him so deep inside her. She needed more. “Agh, fuck, please keep going,” she begged, her eyes knit shut. “You’ve just gotta trust me, baby. Trust me…” she breathed, letting her eyes clear and stare deeply back into his, letting him know she was serious. “Everything is gonna change, now. M’not fucking this up…”

“Tell me you swear,” he begged as his thrusts became more pointed, eliciting repetitive high-pitched squeals from her. He stretched her as far as she could go, the sounds of their bodies slapping together reverberating off the walls and shaking the bedframe. “I’m not gonna waste any more of my time if you truly don’t want me here…”

Her hands reached behind her and gripped the sheets as she held on for dear life, letting Jake take her, have her, wholly and completely. 

“I fucking swear,” she promised, grabbing his jaw and lips in her hand, squeezing. “Just you… me and you…” She pulled him down to kiss her again, still craving that guttural feeling. And thankfully, it found her again. 

She basked in it as her release came full force at her- bright white and vibrating every inch of her body. She cried out as she let it overcome her, letting herself feel everything for the very first time. 

Jake wasn’t far behind her. “Fuck, god, fuck…” he groaned, gasping and clenching through his own climax as the ripples flowed through both of them like harsh storm winds. His arms had enveloped her, his head rested on her shoulder and buried into her neck as they both tried catching their breath, a warmth already shrouding them in the sweetest protection they could ever imagine. 

They both laid just like that for as long as the day let them, exhausted and content with the fact that they had found their way around their biggest roadblock, yet. 

Courage found her like a magnet to metal as she felt a surge of confidence overtake her. “Jake, baby, did we just make love?” 

He lifted his head from her shoulder, letting the prettiest laugh escape from his chest. “Uh, you tell me…”

She took a breath. “I don’t know… I’ve never— But that felt…”

“Fucking perfect?”

“Yeah… more than perfect…” she admitted honestly, unable to find the words to describe what she was feeling. 

The chemicals in her brain had finally mixed in a way that didn’t feel like poison. The switch that flipped had decided to stay on, not even giving her a choice in the matter to decide to turn it back off. The emotion that was taking up space within her felt more addictive than any substance she’d ever done— love, finally, her new drug of choice. 

It just took an admission for the ages to a stranger of a Priest for her to feel it. 

“Then maybe we did…” Jake agreed, rolling off of her. “Time will tell.”

She propped up on her elbow to look at him as he lied there beside her, hot and exhausted as he finally found his breath. 

“Can you teach me how to love, Jake?” she asked, feeling small. 

He gave her a look that melted her all over again as he picked up her hand, bringing each of her fingers to his lips and kissing them one by one. 

“That’s not something that’s taught, baby. But I think you’re selling yourself short…”

“Really?”

“Mhm. You’re the most intensely vivacious and unapologetic woman I have ever met in my life. You take no shit, and you’re smarter than you think. Your perception of the world is unlike anybody else’s, like I’d kill to see the world through your eyes, sometimes. You’re passionate as fuck, just not in the ways that most people think is conventional. You always stick up for the little guy, defend people who can’t defend themselves. You’re hot-blooded and confident, sexy as fuck… you could be a millionaire on OnlyFans in like a week, tops…”

“Shut the fuck up,” she laughed, brushing her hand across his chest. 

“M’serious,” he went on. “You think you’re this downtrodden and forlorn soul destined for the pits of hell, putting up walls and shutting people out, but. I think you just do that because you know your worth, even if you think that worth is less than dirt. You know that your spirit isn’t just for everybody… but damned if I’m not glad you’ve agreed to share it with me.”

Her eyes glared back into his as she fought to understand how, and why Jake is still here, still hanging on, still being the best. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” she questioned with a whisper. 

“I dunno, baby. Guess we gotta keep proving we deserve each other. You’ve toughened me up more than you realize. Made me want to cut my own bullshit and get real,” Jake said. “Taught me that I have to stand up for what I want.”

“I taught you that?”

“In a roundabout way, yeah,” he said, rubbing his fingers over his mustache. “I wanted you, I wanted you so badly that I stuck around until you decided you wanted me back, yeah?” he smiled. 

“Yeah… I suppose you did.”

“I have a question, though… you said that what made all this happen is that you went to… a Church? What in god’s name made you do that?”

She laughed at the irony of his sentence. “I guess exactly that.” She got up and sat cross-legged on the bed, hugging a pillow into her chest. “I think… I think humans can only survive so long without feeling a way they know they should feel. I knew deep down that I had sins to own up to, and one capital sin, at that. I couldn’t talk to just anyone about that, ya know? Didn’t want to admit all that to you, just yet. So I thought, hey, maybe God would like to hear from me? It couldn’t hurt my case, only help it, I guess. Who better to confess everything I had bottled up inside me, than to “the only one who can truly forgive me”?” She placed air quotes around the words, repeating back what society had taught her. She bit her lip in, thinking back on the whole experience. “I guess in the end just saying all those things out loud to someone who wouldn’t pass judgment onto me was exactly what I needed. Just to admit them to myself. I was about to crack…”

He nodded, placing his arm behind his head. “I can definitely understand that.”

“I hope it worked… I swear on my life I already feel a little more whole, a little less worthless,” she admitted. 

Jake’s thumb reached to brush across her lips. “You were never fucking worthless, baby. Never. You were worth everything in the world, are worth it.”

She shook her head as she looked away, the image of that baby’s face still so prevalent in her mind. He haunted her every second, and though she was coming to realize that that whole ordeal all those years ago may not have been entirely her fault, it was still going to resonate with her for the rest of her life. No amount of admittance or repenting was ever going to take that away. 

“You know, that baby that I mentioned in the letter… the one that I took care of before everything went to hell…?” she asked, her voice quiet. 

“Yeah, your capital sin…”

She took a breath. “You know his name was Jacob…”

Jake’s eyes grew ten times in size, his jaw falling slack in disbelief. “You’re kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding you. Hell of a coincidence, huh?”

“Wow, I’ll fuckin’ say… I–I am so sorry that happened, baby,” Jake relented as he cupped her cheek in his hand. “Truly, I know you wish that things would have gone differently. I’m sure you think about him every day.” 

“Every second.”

Jake took in a breath. “Is there anywhere we can… go visit him? So you can talk to him?”

She softened at his sweet suggestion, gently shaking her head side to side. “No. I wouldn’t even know where to look… where they even buried him. I was hundreds of miles away from here…”

“Well maybe we can look him up. That should be public record, yeah?”

She considered it, while also considering Jake’s selfless proposal. “Maybe so… yeah, that might actually be nice.”

Jake leaned forward and placed a kiss to her knee. “We’ll find him. I promise.”

“You can forgive me, Jake?”

“As long as you stop condemning yourself. Right this minute. We’re gonna work on this together, you have got to realize your self-worth, baby.”

“You’ll be here to help me realize it?”

“Every second of the way,” he promised. 

She rolled to sit on top of him again, his hands landing on her thighs. She admired the way his hair flowed in messy strands over her pillow, the way his skin still glistened with sweat. In that second, she knew she had never seen anything more beautiful. More striking, and more positively hers. 

“I’m ready to love you, Jake. I swear to god I’m going to spend every second making you the happiest man on earth, making up for lost time. Proving to you I’m sorry, that you’re worth it all…” she promised, tears threatening her again with the overload of new emotions. But she welcomed them. 

“Don’t cry, gorgeous. S’all gonna be okay…”

——

“Are you sure you want me to come with you? I mean… this feels a little bit strange,” Jake perked as he tossed his cigarette butt into the sand-filled ashtray on the street. 

She took Jake’s hand as she pulled him up the steps of the Church, the sun already brightly shining as it hit high-noon. The church bells of the city all tolled, signaling the new hour, and letting her know that Father James would be pacing around the pews, refilling bulletins and straightening hymnals. 

“Yes, come on… I really want you to meet him,” she urged, pulling his hand even harder. 

“Baby, I don’t go to Church anymore, I don’t believe in this kind of stuff…” he argued. 

“Neither do I. But that’s not to say that it doesn’t exist, hm?” she pressed, arching her eyebrows as they landed on the top step. “Just because we don’t choose to believe and be faithful doesn’t mean we can’t find comfort in some of the things it has to offer…I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t come in here that day and talked to Father James… confessed everything to him… Took all his advice…”

“I know, I know, but… what if he tries to— I dunno. Convert us, or whatever?” 

She laughed out loud. “He’s not gonna do that, Jake. I promise. We just enjoy talking with one another. He’s a wise man, normal. Just like you and me. He’s been at the bottom, too. I promise, you won’t regret walking in here…”

“Fuck, okay. Just for you.”

She blossomed as she realized she’d talked him into it, her face blushing with satisfaction. “I love you, Jake… you know that, right?”

His long exhale drifted away with the Spring breeze as he realized he’d literally do anything for her. Anything in the world. “Yeah, baby. I know that.”

“Good.” 

She pushed open the heavy double doors and made her way inside, her hand acknowledging the holy water that sat beside the entrance, but knowing her place enough to not touch it. The devil still sat on her shoulder, though these days, she’d learned to keep that son of a bitch in check. 

Jake watched as she glided inside, her fingers still wrapped with his. As his eyes adjusted from the sunlight, he took notice of the bright hues of light washed across the room, the sun casting vibrant beams and dim shadows on everything that it touched. 

“Father James! Hello!” Jake heard her voice as they approached an elderly man clothed in all black. 

“Welcome, welcome!” he heard him say. 

“Father, I want you to meet someone… this is—“

“Jacob.” 

The Priest extended his hand to Jake, giving him a smile that felt more genuine than he ever could have imagined. He took his hand in his grasp, knowing that he owed this man the grandest of thank you’s, for helping his love to find her way. 

“Of course, son. I’ve heard so much about you…”

“All good things, I hope?” Jake laughed awkwardly. 

The Priest looked directly at her with endearment painted on his features, his eyes thinning to slits as he smiled from ear to hear. 

“Wonderful things.”

Taglist: @britney-gvf @sacredstarcatcher @wetkleenex-gvf @farfromthehomelands @builtbybrokenbells @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @fleet-of-fiction @milkgemini @gvfpal @ageofcj @dancingcarbon @highway-tuna @stardustjake @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @gvfmarge @gracev0609 @myleftsock @literal-dead-leaf @peaceloveunitygvf @ageofbajabule @slut4lando @jordie-gvf @sadiechar @tinydancer40 @rosabellagvf @capnjaket @lyndz2names @thetroublegetssoloud71 @gretavanomens @spark-my-nature @josh-iamyour-mama @anythingforjtk @alwaysonthemend @danieljlmwagner @klarxtr @fortunatelytinybasement @demonrat444 @gretavansara @watchingover-hypegirl @hippievanfleet @digitalnomadz @raviolilegs @lipstickitty @hippievanfleet @klarxtr @strange-whorizons @do-it-jakey-baby @myownparadise96 @gvf-luna @starshine-wagner @cassiesgreta @joopsandjangs @whimsiliz @kiszkas-canvas @whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick @gretavangroupie @moonlightisdancing @jakeyt @joshym

[gretavanmoon]

an omnipresent force masterpost•

Jake x Female Reader A/N: Semi-AU// Set six years in the future, the world has decided to cast humankind aside, starting with the poisonous entities that are destroying her the most. Reader learns that her place in this post-apocalyptic world isn't at all what she thought it would be, and the band that saved her all those years ago are now the ones that she must survive with, entering into a universe everyone thought was just fantasy.

Enjoy my dabbling in the sci-fi world

Intro Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

[gretavanmoon]

It’s the elbow AND shoulder bump for me😇

3.17.25

[gretavanmoon]

To say my heart is broken would be an understatement. T, your writing inspired(s) me more than you know. Literally, everything you touch is a masterpiece, and I mean that. You have true writing talent, and I think we would all agree on that. Your ability to touch into the deepest depths of writing a character’s emotion is something that is rare, and bringing people to feel it that heavily is not an easy feat. But you stunned us again and again! I hope that one day, you’ll find yourself sitting down to explore it again. Life takes us to crazy places, and I wish you all the luck in whatever adventure you’re basking in, now! Thank you for rambling for memos upon memos with me, sharing ideas and daydreams and wild plotlines. The entire fandom owes you the world. 🤍 love you so, so much!

hi everybody 🫶🏻 it’s been a while. logging on with a bit of a heavy heart today and i wish it were under different circumstances.

for nearly two years, you guys have given me a wonderful, beautiful place to rest when life was too hard to handle. you’ve given me hours of your time, reading stories i never thought anyone would pay any mind to. you’ve encouraged, uplifted, and supported me endlessly, and without the love and friends i’ve made here, i’m not sure where i would be. if there is absolutely anything i want to make perfectly clear, it’s that you all know how much i love and appreciate you.

at the same time, life is much different than it was when i created this blog, which has left me in a strange and unknown place of my life. after a few months of heavy deliberation, i’ve decided this isn’t really for me anymore. recently, there’s been a lot of stuff in my personal life that’s put a damper on not only my creativity, but my outlook on things as well. i apologize in advance for any unfinished works that you’ve waited patiently for me to finish, the future promises, and more than anything, the asks and requests in my inbox that i didn’t manage to get to.

even though i’ve decided to stop writing, i’ll still be kicking around, because no matter what, i’m committed to supporting my friends and giving back the love they’ve given to me. not only has this community given me the space to grow and adapt as a writer, but it has given me friends i will carry in my heart forever. i won’t be taking anything down—my masterlist will remain intact, so if ever you want to read anything it will still be there.

two years was a hell of a good run, and i’m thankful for everything and everyone. maybe in the future i’ll be in a place to come back and revisit some things. i’ve got quite the knack for sappy and sentimental rambling, so i’ll leave it here. i love you guys so so very much 🤍

[gretavanmoon]

Let garbagevanfleet's sudden departure be a lesson.

Please appreciate your fandom's fic writers, no matter how popular their stories are, and make sure to show that appreciation as often as you can!

These whole worlds are created for us to read for free, and over time, with so much exposure to them, I think that we start to take that for granted.

Seasons change, years fly by, and fics can be removed for any reason without notice. Make sure to enjoy them while they're around!

[gretavanmoon]

The Rhythm Section - Part 1

(Re-release!)

Sam x female Reader, Danny x female Reader (yeah…yep)

6.9k words

rhythm sec·tion /ˈriT͟Həm ˈsekSHən/ - the part of a pop or jazz group supplying the rhythm, generally regarded as consisting of bass and drums

+ Heyyy bestie lane! I wrote this waaaay back in 2022, right when I would still consider myself a novice at smut LOL. But I think it deserves its time in the sun again for all the new folks on Tumblr, so I dusted it off and shined it up a bit. It's lightly edited, so have fun with that :P

+ Warnings: 18+! Cursing, Drinking, Smoky Bar Scene, Mental Dilemma, Dirty Dancing I guess

Smut: Unclean Thoughts, Memories & Flashbacks, Heavy Flirting/Touching, Insinuation and Mention of a Threesome

ONE - CHANCE ENCOUNTER

You were tired. Your muscles were beyond sore. And you absolutely did not feel like answering the buzzing phone that was inching its way closer and closer to the edge of your night stand. You wanted to ignore it and focus back in on the brain-rot TV show you were enjoying, but it's insistence made you realize you simply had to pick it up.

Your life had been pretty drag for the past few weeks, and work left little to no room for personal enjoyment. The buzzing phone gave you a tiny inkling of surprise and excitement, thinking maybe a friend was calling to give you some entertainment for the night.

The most excitement you'd had lately was a run-in with an ex-flame, Sam, at a bar you frequented. He’d spotted you from across the room, making eyes at you for only a split second before breaking away from the group of friends he was with to come over your way.

“Y/N? Hey… I thought that was you over here,” he said as he slipped between you and the empty barstool beside you. “How are you? How have you been?”

His eyes seemed to dazzle you just the same as they always had, and the feeling of his hand rested respectfully on your shoulder seemed to catch you more off guard than you thought it would. The smell of his earthy cologne instantly overtook your entire being, his scent tied to memories so strong that you felt dizzy. 

“Sam, hey… I’m good! How are you, what are you doing here?”

He took the stool beside you, and the two of you spent the next hour or so catching up and talking about life. Sharing stories, laughing into your drinks, and ignoring the fact that the magnetism the two of you always shared was still very much intact, and very much overwhelming. You’d both chosen to come out late that night, and the bartender was calling last call before you could even register that it was after midnight.

You had to admit, even though it was only a chance encounter, you felt sparks as his hand brushed against yours when he insisted on paying the bar tab at the exact same time that you did. You ended up giving in and letting him pay for your three gin & tonics, and he also insisted on walking you home.

“You really don’t have to, Sam. It’s not very far to my apartment,” you had said, glancing at your watch.

“I know it’s not far but you’re still a gorgeous young lady walking the street by herself at night,” he pushed, wiggling his eyebrows as he flirted.

The scoff that left your lips was unintentional. “That’s never stopped me before, Sam. How do you think I get home every other night?” you questioned, feeling somewhat offended that he thought you couldn’t defend yourself. “Plus, you never even went back over to your friends…”

The deep brown of his irises flashed your way, giving you a look you knew so incredibly well that it nearly shook you to your core.

“Just let me. Please?” You knew he wasn’t going to let up. “So I can go to sleep without worrying about you...”

“Alright, but just to the door,” you finally gave in, giving him a furtive grin.

“Just to the door.”

The two of you walked slowly down the street to your apartment, which was only about six blocks away. 

“I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve seen you, Y/N,” Sam had said. “We used to have some good times,” he reminisced, putting his head down and shoving his hands in his pockets as you walked down the uncrowded street. 

Though it was a short-lived affair, you and Sam used to sleep together fairly regularly when he would be in town. Things never got serious, but you had fun. It was more of a booty-call type relationship, which was fine with you. You were busy with school and work, and you didn’t have time to settle down, anyway. The sex was great, the two of you melded together quickly and learned the ins and outs of each other’s tastes more thoroughly than you had with any other partner you’d had in the past. 

“Yeah, we did have some good times, didn’t we? I’ve missed you and your ‘Busy tonight?’ texts,” you laughed, the gin still swirling through your system. 

Sam grabbed the back of his neck and began massaging his shoulder as he let out an embarrassed laugh. “Yeah, I miss sending those texts, to be honest. I can’t believe you don’t have someone in your life...” You had explained to him earlier at the bar that you were extremely single still, concentrating on life. Your career as an RN was a bit taxing, as you worked in a hospital that concentrated on rehabilitation of injured patients. You found yourself tired, mentally and physically, at the end of every single day. 

“Yeah, I don’t have much time to give to another person, so I’m still just hanging out,” you gave Sam a sheepish smile as you wanted to gush about your current life, but still felt a bit disconnected from him. It had been over a year since you’d even seen him.

The warm Spring breeze blew your hair into your face, pulling a few pieces of hair across your eyes. He slowly reached up and pushed the strands behind your ear, leaving his hand rested on your cheek for a few seconds while you caught each other's gazes. 

“I know. Always-busy-Y/N, giving more time to work than to herself," he'd complained, still having you figured out all too well. "Well, if you ever want to…relax...you know where to find me. We’re home for a month or so until we have to go back out on the road,” he spoke low and graveled, that certain key of his voice pulling you back into him just like it always did.

“Hm,” you muttered, your skin on fire just from the proximity. “That’s a nice long break.”

Though you hardly noticed it at the time, Sam’s eyes were trained on you in a way that they never had been before. Long, sultry, and slow, he raked them across your body as if it was the first time they’d ever seen you.

“Sure is. Plenty of time for some R&R…” Not only were his eyes dragging, but his words were, too. They were suggestive and insinuative, leaving hardly any room for you to say no in the instance that he’d ask you to "meet up" again. 

He was biting his bottom lip in as the breeze picked up into a rushed wind, the air becoming heavier as you felt tiny specks of rain beginning to collect on your arms. You couldn’t stop your wandering gaze from reconnecting with his, catching his eyes as they drank you in. God, he’s still just as beautiful... 

You collected your thoughts, pulling him into a fast goodbye hug before the rain picked up for good. “Thanks for walking me home, Sammy. I really appreciate it.”

Though you wanted the embrace to be short lived, he had other plans, taking your body into a full-fledged hug as he pressed his body into yours, resting his chin on top of your head. “You’re welcome, gorgeous. See you later?” And like his question was meant to be rhetorical, he turned around and rounded the corner, disappearing before you even had the chance to answer him.

+

That was two nights ago, and now you found yourself staring at your buzzing phone on the nightstand. The clock read 9:14pm, and of course, it was a string of texts from Sam. You scoffed as you rubbed your tired eyes and picked up the phone.

Maybe: Sam

Hey gorgeous! 

It’s Sam, still have my number?

You’d never tell him that you deleted his number after you realized it was of no use for you anymore.

What are you up to this evening? Daniel and I were thinking about grabbing a drink if you’d like to join!

You sighed and slammed your phone onto the mattress. You liked Sam. You really did. But it had been so long since your flings were regular, and you had grown up a lot in the past year. Between getting a new apartment, getting a promotion at work, and starting school again to get your BSN, you truly had let your past with Sam slip into the very back rooms of your mind. You had loved focusing on yourself and your career, and you had to admit, you were proud of yourself. You also hadn’t had many men grace your mattress since Sam... a one night stand here and there, but nothing of substance. You only found yourself thinking of Sam every once in a while, when you’d hear a song by Cat Stevens.

Or when you took a walk alone and would catch yourself wanting to send him a photo of a pretty flower you found. 

Or when you’d light candles around your apartment to wind down after a long day…

Or when you had too much to drink and found yourself lonely and succumbing to the overwhelming need for the touch of your own hand…

But only sometimes. Sam was busy with the band now, and you thought he had long forgotten about you. They had released their second full length album not long ago, and after its success, they had left on a giant tour and stayed busy with shows and the like. You were so very proud of him for following in the footsteps of his brothers and traveling the world with them and his best friend, making the music they loved for their loyal fans. Sam was so talented, you always told him you secretly thought he was holding his talents back and that he could apply so much more to the band. He never disagreed, but you could tell that he always insinuated a maybe someday, but not right now attitude. And you respected him for that. 

After adding his number back into your phone, you paused and held it against your forehead before deciding to reply to the text. You did have tomorrow off, and after the long week you’d had, you could really use a drink. 

You:

Hey Sammy, not much just relaxing at home. I guess I could meet you guys out for a bit, where are you headed?

Almost immediately, you saw his text bubble pop up to tell you he was typing. 

Sam:

I think Daniel said he wanted to go to Sloan’s, if that’s cool with you?

Sloan’s was actually your favorite spot, better than the place you’d happened to run into Sam two nights prior. It was an old dive bar down a backstreet, sort of tucked away, fairly small and uncrowded, but was always full of folks out to let loose. 

You:

Sloan’s is perfect. I’ll see you in a few! 

You sat up in bed and stretched before  making your way to your closet to change into something a little more presentable. A light sweater with a short velvet skirt and thigh high boots seemed a little much for the smoky sticky dive bar, but  it had been some time since you let yourself wear something other than scrubs or a pair of old jeans.

After spraying some volumizer in your hair and freshening up your makeup, you reached into your cabinet full of perfumes. The options were endless, but your eyes landed on an older bottle that had been pushed toward the back, a forest green bottle with a golden lid. It used to be your absolute favorite a year or so ago, and if you had the timing right, it’s probably the exact scent you wore when your rendezvous with Sam first began.

After two spritzes and applying some to your neck behind your ears, you caught the scent that drove your memory back in time, just like Sam’s cologne had done a couple of nights ago: You and Sam, no clothes, pouring rain outside, sitting in the backseat of your car together with arms intertwined around each other’s bodies in one of the steamiest encounters you’d ever had.

“You smell like honeysuckles and rain,” he had said, his voice breathless as his lips ghosted across your ear.

The memory was as fleeting as the smell of your perfume on your nose. You forced the memory away and finished getting ready, grabbing your purse to head downstairs and to the bar. 

Somehow, you had gotten there before Sam or Danny. You found a seat at the nearly empty bar and the bartender immediately greeted you. 

“Evening darlin, the regular?” Sloan asked. 

“You know me well, Sloan, yes please. Can you make it a double?”

Sloan, the sixty-something owner of the bar who was rough around the edges but had a heart of gold, shot you a questioning look.

“Rough day at the hospital?” she asked as she reached for a taller glass.

“Eh, not really. Just feel like I’m going to need it tonight,” you replied, dodging her glare. You’d been frequenting her watering hole for long enough that she knew enough about you to treat you somewhat like a family member… always looking out for you and even being your wingwoman on a few occasions. She shrugged her shoulders and handed you your drink, with extra limes. 

You looked toward the small stage in the corner of the bar and saw that a band was setting up their instruments for the evening. 

“Who’s playing tonight?” you asked Sloan as you sipped the first of your strong drink.

“Group called Spill, booked them about six months ago. They’re actually fairly hard to get ahold of, really coming up on the scene, so I hear. They did me a favor playin’ somewhere small like this…” she explained as she pressed glasses down onto the brush in the sink. 

You nodded in understanding, becoming fairly excited that Sam chose tonight, and Daniel chose this bar. 

Before long, the band began jamming a little bit to check their sound. They sounded sweet, kind of jazzy, kind of r&b. Then, a gentleman walked in toting an instrument case.

“Sorry I’m late fellas, got a little tied up with the lady,” the man joked with his bandmates. They met him with high fives and handshakes, patting him on the back like they hadn’t seen each other in ages. He then pulled out a saxophone from his case and began hooking it into all the respective cords and wiring. 

You’d been there about 20 minutes just enjoying the peace of the environment when your phone buzzed with a text from Sam.

Sam:

Almost there! Sorry, our meeting ran long.

You quickly replied,

No biggie! It’s starting to fill up, there’s a band tonight.  See you soon.

Not long after, Sam and Danny were greeting you with ‘hello beautiful’s and hugs all around. They took barstools on either side of you, and Sam signaled Sloan down to your end of the bar. 

“Ready for another, love?” Sam asked you.

“Sure, same thing please, ma’am,” you told Sloan. 

She brought your drinks, and the bar was filling up significantly now. The band had started to warm up a bit more, and you were loving catching up with Sam and Danny and hearing all their wild tour stories. You hadn’t seen Danny in a long time, probably since before you’d seen Sam last. You did notice his hair was longer and his stature had become significantly more muscular. But his personality was generally the same…still his same old genuine self. 

“Wow, you guys are really full on rockstars now. How cool am I to be hanging out with you right now?” you joked and poked Danny in the side. 

“We aren’t THAT famous, do you see people flocking to us for autographs right now? No, you don’t,” Sam retorted with sass. The alcohol had caused his eyelids to hood just a bit, and his words had started to just slightly slur. The band picked up and was playing at full volume now, letting their jazzy melodies reverberate off the old wooden walls of the building. People had begun to gather on the small makeshift space in front of the stage, using it as a dance floor. 

“These guys are pretty good, I’m digging the sax sounds,” you said. The lead singer was filling the room with his deep and raspy voice that floated over the sounds of the keyboard and complemented the saxophone perfectly. The band looked and sounded as though they had been playing together for many years. 

“Yeah, they kick ass,” Danny exhaled and looked at you sideways, giving you a displeased expression. 

“What?” you asked him, noticing Sam had become quiet, too. “What’s wrong?”

“Nah, nothing’s wrong at all, huh Daniel?” Sam jested as he peered over the top of his glass. “Wrong isn’t in our vocabulary tonight.”

“Mhm,” Danny hummed, scrunching up his lips. “That word is hereby banned, tonight, ok?”

You winced in slight confusion, wondering why it mattered. “Banned? So, I can’t like…say it—“

“Nope!” Danny confirmed loudly, leaning into you. “You can’t. But, its counterpart… that word, is allowed.” His voice was deep as he leaned into your bubble, his eyes glaring deeply into yours. “You know what that word is, Y/N?”

You swallowed, taken aback as you tried to make sense of the strange turn in conversation. “Uh, right?”

Danny’s palm slapped the bar in front of him, startling you a little as you heard Sam giggle from your other side. “Right! Right is the word. Everything tonight…will be, right.”

You couldn’t help the expression that painted your face as you tried to put the pieces together, wondering what the fuck Danny could be talking about. You glanced to Sam as he gave you a reassuring look and nod that said ‘just go with it’.

“We actually have a little confession, Y/N,” Danny spoke up again, his voice laced with faux guilt.

You swallowed the large drink you’d taken and looked over to Danny with questioning eyes. “Confession?”

Sam twisted in his seat, turning to face the stage as he leaned in close to your ear. “We kind of wanted to come and scope this band out to see if they’d like to tour with us a little bit on this next leg, and open a few shows for us,” he admitted. “We’ve all been listening to them for a while, they have a few EP’s out and everyone agrees they would sound great being openers.”

Your eyes grew wide with surprise.

“No way, that is SO cool! I am 100% in agreement with you guys asking them. They truly sound amazing in this little bar, I can only imagine what they’d sound like in a real show setting,” you babbled in excited succession. The boys nodded in agreement. 

“That’s kinda why our meeting ran late, they gave us the OK to move forward if we agree,” Sam added. 

You fell into disbelief again. “Wow, they’re gonna be over the moon,” you breathed as you looked to the band again, a mix of older and younger gentlemen who seemed to fall right into their music, moving from one song to the next with ease. They were true entertainers. 

The night was going on splendidly, and you found yourself getting more fuzzy from the alcohol. You also caught Sam stealing glances at you overtop of his glass, to which you would return with a smile and a wink. 

On top of the passing glances, he began subtly adding a hand to your thigh, an occasional “Remember that one time” story, and a “Daniel, doesn’t the lady look lovely tonight?” You’d roll your eyes at his attempts, knowing all too well the routes Sam would take to get you back to your apartment with a quickness. 

After a while, the three of you decided to move from the bar to an open corner table to get away from the direct sound of the band, and so they could hear them from all angles. You’d lost count of how many drinks you’d had, but you had noticed that Sloan had discontinued making them doubles, and lightened her hand while pouring the gin, of which you were very thankful. She had also begun to hand you a glass of water with each new drink you ordered. You made a mental note to tip her well tonight. 

After about an hour of talking amongst yourselves, the band announced they were going to take a short break, and Sam and Daniel both stood simultaneously announcing, “Time to take care of business!” You watched as they made their way over to them, shook their hands and introduced themselves. Sam then handed them a few business cards, and you were impressed with the looks of astonishment on the band members’ faces when they put two and two together, and realized who they were talking to and what they were being asked. Again, Sam and Daniel took the time to have short conversation, and shake each members’ hands once again. 

They began to make their way back over to the table, smiles plastered across their faces. You watched as the band all looked at each other in disbelief, and then all celebrated with a collective hug and excited hops and jumps around the stage. Giant smiles adorned all of their faces, some even hugged one another. A few gentlemen in the band were significantly older than Sam and Danny, but were excited nonetheless. You beamed with pride as they returned to their seats at the table.

“If I didn’t know any better, I think you guys just made their night,’ you said as you squeezed a lime into your drink.

Sam replied, rubbing his hands through his hair, “Yeah, I mean I think we were more nervous than they were! We’ve been watching and listening to them in bars since before we could legally drink. Our dad introduced us to them years ago when he played a benefit show with them. He went to high school with the drummer.” 

You sat smiling at your two friends and you realized how amazing they were as humans, taking time to make genuine relationships with people they hardly knew, and trying even harder to maintain relationships that already exist. You watched as they began to bounce ideas off one another and watch the band as they began to pick back up again. Pride filled your belly as you were overwhelmed with joy to be there with them tonight, watching them as they organically grew their professional careers while also trying to help out the little guys. 

“S’why don’t you have a boyfriend, Y/N?” Danny asked from across the small, round table. “And don’t tell me it’s because you don’t wanna be tied down…”

Your eyebrows shot up as you realized he hit the nail on the head. “Actually uh, that’s exactly why I don’t. I like my freedom…” you admit, folding your arms on the table. 

You heard Sam scoff from beside you. “Heard that one before…” he groaned, turning away. His sudden negative tone hit you in the chest. 

Danny noticed, too, but turned the conversation back to you. “Freedom, huh? I get that.” He sipped from the neck of his beer, swirling the last of its contents before tipping the rest back. “That why you wouldn’t ever make things official with Sam?”

You choked on nothing while Sam choked on the liquor he was swallowing. “Daniel! Shit…” Sam gritted as he repositioned himself awkwardly in his seat. You felt your face flush. 

“Um, for your information, Danny…he uh. He actually never asked…” The words escaped you before you could even think them through, and though they were the truth, you couldn’t help but feel resentment for speaking them. Of course he never asked. All you did was preach to him how much you loved being alone, and how you were too busy to commit to anything serious. You made it well known that you wanted to stay single, sleeping with Sam whenever you both saw fit without ever making a true commitment to the relationship. 

Of course he never asked. 

A quick glance to Sam’s downtrodden expression set that feeling in stone. You knew he wanted more back then, but you were too focused on yourself and unwilling to let yourself feel any kind of happiness that he may have brought to the table, simply for the fact that you’d rather keep things this way than ruin your own life with heartbreak. You were selfish, and you knew it. 

“Would you have said yes? If he’d have asked?” Danny pressed. 

“Daniel, can you shut the fuck up, please? Y/N, I didn’t ask him to—“

“Maybe,” you answered quickly. “Maybe not.”

“But you miss him, though?” Danny went on, much to Sam’s disapproval. “You guys obviously had chemistry, I mean, I remember how happy you’d both get when—“

“Daniel. Stop.” Sam interrupted him with force, his tone serious. "She doesn't want to talk about this. And honestly, neither do I."

You rolled your lips between your teeth, contemplating on how to save this now quite awkward situation. “Of course I miss him. We had… some excellent times, didn’t we Sammy?” you asked rhetorically, turning and focusing all your attention back onto a red-faced Sam. You placed your hand on his thigh and took notice that his arm was still balanced on the back of your chair. You could almost feel the muscles in his leg tense at your touch. 

“We did…” he quietly replied, letting his eyelashes flutter as he grinned sweetly at you. 

Just then the band started playing a very upbeat song that had a funky disco vibe to it, and suddenly Danny was reaching across the table, placing both of his hands on your face. “Please dance with me?” he asked, yelling over the music. Before you could answer, he was pulling you toward the dance floor, walking backwards slowly and not caring who he bumped into. His eyes were glued to yours, and he was mouthing the words along with the song. 

When you finally made it to the dance floor, he spun you around a few times before pulling you close and placing one hand on your lower back. His other hand held yours out to your side. Dancing had always been your most favorite thing, and it was rare that you found a partner who could keep up and move on-beat with the song, at all. Danny was a bit taller than you, but the way he effortlessly tossed you around the floor while keeping his feet and hips perfectly in time with the song had you floating, mentally and physically. He incorporated footwork and slides, spins and even dipped you low a few times. You were extremely impressed with his dancing skills and his ability to lead you without even having to try.  

“Daniel! Why didn’t you tell me you could dance?!” you demanded of him loudly overtop of the music. He continued to spin you around again before pulling you in close. He bent down slightly and pressed his mouth  to your ear, the touch sending an unexpected shockwave through your system. 

“What made you think I couldn’t dance? It’s literally my job to have rhythm,” he responded before pulling back and raising his eyebrows at you as if to say, ‘duh’. The more you considered it, the more it made total sense. His whole body had to keep time for hours on end as he played the drums, making sure the entire band was in check with what was happening during shows. 

You looked over to the table to find Sam still seated, relaxed back in his chair with his arms crossed, a wide smile across his face as he watched the two of you dance. You looked back to Danny who was returning your stare with the most intense look in his eyes. The neon lights mixed with the small disco ball was making his already dark complected skin glow an almost red, and his long, dark curls were pulled back into a low bun, making the small strands that had fallen around his face look even more sultry. He smiled coyly, showing off his bright white smile.

Suddenly he pulled your arms up around his neck and wrapped his arms around your waist, forcing you into a tighter squeeze than while you were dancing. He fluttered his eyelashes into a long blink before opening them again. He began a slow, sensual swaying back and forth that now matched the slower bluesy song the band had switched to. 

He leaned in to your ear once again, pausing for a quick breath before he spoke. “You know he really likes you, right?” He pulled back and smiled, waiting for your answer with his hands still balanced on your waist. 

You looked at him sarcastically. “I mean, I could have guessed that, I think…” you responded, trying to off-play it as he brought the awkward situation back again. 

Danny bit his lips to fight off an accusatory smile. 

You tucked your hair behind your ear as you avoided his gaze. “I mean, I kind of thought we just…had fun together, you know? Neither of us ever had time for anything serious…”

“Yeah yeah, solid excuse. I’m sure that’s how it started out for him, too. But here lately, I think he’s started to miss you for more than just, having fun…” he trailed off. You glanced over to Sam again. He sat in the same chair, now leaning down with his elbows on his knees, sipping on his drink. He had rolled the sleeves of his button up to his elbows, flexing the muscles in his arms a bit. 

When he saw you looking, he took his free hand and finger-combed his shoulder-length hair back, never breaking eye contact. Then in a whirlwind, Danny had you up in the air, spinning you around with the song. He lifted you slightly so you were looking down at him, catching you off guard as your feet dangled over the floor. 

He lowered you back down slowly, suspending you in the air as you descended. Before your feet could hit the floor, he made sure his face was within inches of yours, your lips daring themselves to brush against his. Suddenly the proximity felt wrong, with Sam watching your every move. “Danny, I—“

He pulled away a little, his eyes bouncing Sam’s way for just a second before he returned all his attention to you. You had your hands still balanced on his arms, and he felt sturdy and strong below your now loosened muscles. He pulled you in close, and began to sway along to the music once more. 

What is happening? What is this? You know he is doing all of this on purpose, but why? 

As he moved closer on the crowded dance floor, you could feel him under his pants, grinding into you in all the right places. He pulled your arms up around his neck again, catching you completely off guard as you began to succumb to the response your body was giving him. He put his lips to your ear, and placed a long and slow kiss right onto it, feeling little to no shame in his action.

He was breathing slowly, and you felt your whole body go warm with a tingling sensation. He started placing small kisses onto your ear and behind it, pushing your hair away from your neck as he did so. You wanted to pull away at the risk of Sam seeing it all, but something held you there, in complete bliss at the feeling of Danny’s mouth on you. You physically felt your eyes roll back and close, and you felt that warm and familiar tinge in your stomach and core, one that you weren’t sure what to do with, but you also didn’t want to go away.

“He won’t be mad, don’t worry,” he growled. 

“A-are you sure about that?” you laughed awkwardly, catching sight of Sam still seated in your peripheral. 

“Positive…” Suddenly his hands tightened around the muscles of your hips. “Y/N, do you know what the rhythm section is?” You closed your eyes as he spoke quietly but directly into your ear.

You raised your eyebrows in question as you pulled away for a second, telling Danny to go on. 

“It's the section of a band completely separate from the rest, but you’d never know it when you watch us perform. It’s our job to keep the pulse of the music going,” Danny continued to pull firmly on your love handles, slowly moving his hands to your lower back and back to your waist. He was pressing his fingertips gently into you, making the ambience of the room all the more heavy.

You felt extremely and overwhelmingly turned on, in more ways than one. This felt so wrong on so many levels… he shouldn’t be doing this, especially in front of Sam…

But there is that forbidden word… wrong. 

You couldn’t stop yourself from loving it, from letting it happen. There was something about the feeling of Danny’s hands on you, how they traveled, how they decided your next move for you, guiding you in the direction that he wanted you to go. 

In a moment of confidence, or better yet, weakness, you turned your head to the side a bit, exposing your neck. Danny took advantage of the angle, laying his lips right overtop of your carotid artery. He began lightly plucking at your pulse with his lips, exactly on beat with each hit of the kick drum. He continued to sway with the harmony of the singing and guitar, but his lips were moving in exact congruence with the deeper, underlying sound of the bass and drums. 

He crept back up to your ear. “See? It’s all about multitasking, knowing exactly what the song needs to sound like and being perfectly in time with the other half of my section, which in our case is Sam’s bass. We’ve got to be able to do it all. Hear it all. Feel it all...”

Danny pulled you slowly to the edge of the dance floor closest to your table. He turned with his back to Sam, so that you could look over his shoulder and right at Sam, who was already boring his eyes directly into yours. Danny pulled you close again and the song moved into a sultry, saxophone ballad with heavy melodies and tempo switches. 

…But you kept eye contact with Sam. Danny leaned in close to speak again, his voice painfully gritted. “You see sweetheart, without Sam and I, the band would have no back bone. We are great musicians apart, but when you put us together, we anchor everything down, naturally. We build a framework for all the other frilly shit to build on top of. Strong, the both of us, but not nearly as enticing without the other.”

The whole time, Danny never stopped his hips swinging in unison with yours, hugging firmly with his half-hard dick grinding into your core. “We learned a long time ago that we’re better together, and once we find our rhythm, that’s where the magic happens.” As if he could hear the words, Sam suddenly smiled a devilish smile from across the room, and took another long sip of his drink. 

You pulled back from Danny and looked him right in the eyes, questioning his motives, wondering if Sam knew what he had said to you. You could haul off and slap him, but the look in Danny’s eyes was hungry and confident. He brought his lips together and bit them both, now returning your questioning look. You dropped your arms from around his neck, and quickly made your way back to your table. 

Your mind was buzzing with confusion… wild, dirty thoughts had begun swimming through your mind as it made all of the connections on its own. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly the puzzle was complete in front of you, and honestly, you were pissed at them for it. Pissed that they even thought this could be a reality, but even more pissed that it felt… good. The sensation of Danny’s hands on you while Sam watched…fuck. It felt too tempting. It felt too… right. The one word that Danny gave you permission to use, tonight. Of course. 

Two wrongs. 

You stood in front of Sam, looking down at him without saying a word. The only response he gave you was a cheeky grin followed by a glance and a head tilt toward the door. You folded your arms across your chest, and felt Danny join you in standing before Sam.

The three of you shared a wordless nod. “Alright. Ok,” you spoke quickly and firmly, surprised at your own quick decision to go along with their outlandish request. Your body was absolutely burning already. For Daniel? For Sam, for them both…

Fuck, you’re drunk. But not that drunk. And still yet, this decision feels… the opposite of wrong. 

You know what? Fuck it. You deserve this. Is it outside of your comfort zone? Astronomically so. And you'll probably have regrets in the morning. But you know them, and you know they'd never do anything to make you uncomfortable. And who knows? Maybe it won't even happen once you get home and reality sets in.

You grabbed your purse that was hanging on the back of Sam’s chair and turned on your heels to beeline to the door. On the way out, Sam threw a hundred on the bar and told Sloan to keep the change. The guys shared waves to the band, as if to say “talk soon”. 

The three of you were quietly booking it down the street toward your apartment, with you keeping the pace three or four steps ahead of them. Your mind was racing with drunken thoughts, but you were still sober enough to realize what you were doing, what you were about to do. You hardly ever bring one man back to your home, let alone two. God, what the fuck?! 

You contemplated turning around, stopping them in their tracks, and ordering them to go back home. But something kept your feet walking, and if you had to guess, it was the feeling of Danny’s lips still attached to your neck, and the look in Sam’s eye when he wordlessly nodded toward the door.

You made it to the front doors of your building, and you reached into your purse for your key card. The doors unlocked, and you made your way to the elevator. After an awkward 20 seconds of waiting, the three of you stepped inside, and you pushed the button for floor 13.

They stood in the back of the elevator, and you to the front by the doors. You kept your back to them until the doors closed. As soon as they latched and the elevator began its ascent, you turned around quickly to find them both staring you down with devious expressions. Danny stood with his arms crossed and head rested back on the wall, eyeing you seductively. Sam was leaning with one arm on the back wall, and the other was twirling his mustache, also looking at you with those stupid familiar needy eyes. Stupid, stupid.

“Is this real? Are you guys playing a joke on me?” you finally asked in a pressing manner.

Neither one spoke, but instead shook their heads saying ‘no’, at the almost exact same. Sam said quietly, finally, “Not a joke, love.” 

Suddenly the elevator stopped on your floor. You waited for the doors to open behind you, and made your way over to your front door. As you began fumbling for your keys, your fingers became numb, like they had completely forgotten how to work. Here come the nerves. You finally opened the door, and held your arm out to invite them in first. They awkwardly, but confidently walked into your living room, clearing their throats as they made entry. You rushed and grabbed a bottle of vodka from on top of your refrigerator, and three glasses from the pantry. You set them down forcefully on the kitchen island as they finally gathered in. “Make us something strong. I’ll be right back.” 

You sauntered off to the bathroom to gather your thoughts as quickly as you possibly could. You shut the door behind you and leaned on the sink and looked at yourself in the mirror. ‘What the hell is happening?’ you thought. 

You lightly slapped yourself on the face a few times, willing yourself to get a grip. You were way out of your comfort zone, but for some reason, you felt completely safe and confident. And not to mention still extremely turned on. The alcohol was beginning to wear off a bit due to the influx of adrenaline of the realization that you just brought two men home with you, but you were counting on the vodka to bring that air of confidence back. You knew you were going to need it. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror again. “Just fucking do it, stupid. You’re a grown adult,” you whispered to yourself, reminding yourself that you really did need this, and honestly, had thought about this situation a time or two before. You took a deep breath and shook out your nerves, blinking away the dryness of your eyes as you tried to calm yourself. You sat down to pee, and freshened yourself up a bit, silently thanking your past self for shaving everything earlier in the day.

After you were sufficiently cleaned up, you nervously returned to the kitchen to find Sam and Danny standing at the island with three drinks made. Sam spoke up first. “Y/N, you know you can trust me. We don’t want to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

Danny continued, “Right, and we’ll turn around and leave right now if that’s what you want us to do. Just say the word.”

You stood with your arms crossed across your chest, pondering the two of them intensely. You picked up your drink and took a sip, inhaling the confidence to make your final decision. 

“Okay, and my word is, I want the two of you in my bedroom. Right now.”

+

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[gretavanmoon]

The Rhythm Section - Part 1

(Re-release!)

Sam x female Reader, Danny x female Reader (yeah…yep)

6.9k words

rhythm sec·tion /ˈriT͟Həm ˈsekSHən/ - the part of a pop or jazz group supplying the rhythm, generally regarded as consisting of bass and drums

+ Heyyy bestie lane! I wrote this waaaay back in 2022, right when I would still consider myself a novice at smut LOL. But I think it deserves its time in the sun again for all the new folks on Tumblr, so I dusted it off and shined it up a bit. It's lightly edited, so have fun with that :P

+ Warnings: 18+! Cursing, Drinking, Smoky Bar Scene, Mental Dilemma, Dirty Dancing I guess

Smut: Unclean Thoughts, Memories & Flashbacks, Heavy Flirting/Touching, Insinuation and Mention of a Threesome

ONE - CHANCE ENCOUNTER

You were tired. Your muscles were beyond sore. And you absolutely did not feel like answering the buzzing phone that was inching its way closer and closer to the edge of your night stand. You wanted to ignore it and focus back in on the brain-rot TV show you were enjoying, but it's insistence made you realize you simply had to pick it up.

Your life had been pretty drag for the past few weeks, and work left little to no room for personal enjoyment. The buzzing phone gave you a tiny inkling of surprise and excitement, thinking maybe a friend was calling to give you some entertainment for the night.

The most excitement you'd had lately was a run-in with an ex-flame, Sam, at a bar you frequented. He’d spotted you from across the room, making eyes at you for only a split second before breaking away from the group of friends he was with to come over your way.

“Y/N? Hey… I thought that was you over here,” he said as he slipped between you and the empty barstool beside you. “How are you? How have you been?”

His eyes seemed to dazzle you just the same as they always had, and the feeling of his hand rested respectfully on your shoulder seemed to catch you more off guard than you thought it would. The smell of his earthy cologne instantly overtook your entire being, his scent tied to memories so strong that you felt dizzy. 

“Sam, hey… I’m good! How are you, what are you doing here?”

He took the stool beside you, and the two of you spent the next hour or so catching up and talking about life. Sharing stories, laughing into your drinks, and ignoring the fact that the magnetism the two of you always shared was still very much intact, and very much overwhelming. You’d both chosen to come out late that night, and the bartender was calling last call before you could even register that it was after midnight.

You had to admit, even though it was only a chance encounter, you felt sparks as his hand brushed against yours when he insisted on paying the bar tab at the exact same time that you did. You ended up giving in and letting him pay for your three gin & tonics, and he also insisted on walking you home.

“You really don’t have to, Sam. It’s not very far to my apartment,” you had said, glancing at your watch.

“I know it’s not far but you’re still a gorgeous young lady walking the street by herself at night,” he pushed, wiggling his eyebrows as he flirted.

The scoff that left your lips was unintentional. “That’s never stopped me before, Sam. How do you think I get home every other night?” you questioned, feeling somewhat offended that he thought you couldn’t defend yourself. “Plus, you never even went back over to your friends…”

The deep brown of his irises flashed your way, giving you a look you knew so incredibly well that it nearly shook you to your core.

“Just let me. Please?” You knew he wasn’t going to let up. “So I can go to sleep without worrying about you...”

“Alright, but just to the door,” you finally gave in, giving him a furtive grin.

“Just to the door.”

The two of you walked slowly down the street to your apartment, which was only about six blocks away. 

“I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve seen you, Y/N,” Sam had said. “We used to have some good times,” he reminisced, putting his head down and shoving his hands in his pockets as you walked down the uncrowded street. 

Though it was a short-lived affair, you and Sam used to sleep together fairly regularly when he would be in town. Things never got serious, but you had fun. It was more of a booty-call type relationship, which was fine with you. You were busy with school and work, and you didn’t have time to settle down, anyway. The sex was great, the two of you melded together quickly and learned the ins and outs of each other’s tastes more thoroughly than you had with any other partner you’d had in the past. 

“Yeah, we did have some good times, didn’t we? I’ve missed you and your ‘Busy tonight?’ texts,” you laughed, the gin still swirling through your system. 

Sam grabbed the back of his neck and began massaging his shoulder as he let out an embarrassed laugh. “Yeah, I miss sending those texts, to be honest. I can’t believe you don’t have someone in your life...” You had explained to him earlier at the bar that you were extremely single still, concentrating on life. Your career as an RN was a bit taxing, as you worked in a hospital that concentrated on rehabilitation of injured patients. You found yourself tired, mentally and physically, at the end of every single day. 

“Yeah, I don’t have much time to give to another person, so I’m still just hanging out,” you gave Sam a sheepish smile as you wanted to gush about your current life, but still felt a bit disconnected from him. It had been over a year since you’d even seen him.

The warm Spring breeze blew your hair into your face, pulling a few pieces of hair across your eyes. He slowly reached up and pushed the strands behind your ear, leaving his hand rested on your cheek for a few seconds while you caught each other's gazes. 

“I know. Always-busy-Y/N, giving more time to work than to herself," he'd complained, still having you figured out all too well. "Well, if you ever want to…relax...you know where to find me. We’re home for a month or so until we have to go back out on the road,” he spoke low and graveled, that certain key of his voice pulling you back into him just like it always did.

“Hm,” you muttered, your skin on fire just from the proximity. “That’s a nice long break.”

Though you hardly noticed it at the time, Sam’s eyes were trained on you in a way that they never had been before. Long, sultry, and slow, he raked them across your body as if it was the first time they’d ever seen you.

“Sure is. Plenty of time for some R&R…” Not only were his eyes dragging, but his words were, too. They were suggestive and insinuative, leaving hardly any room for you to say no in the instance that he’d ask you to "meet up" again. 

He was biting his bottom lip in as the breeze picked up into a rushed wind, the air becoming heavier as you felt tiny specks of rain beginning to collect on your arms. You couldn’t stop your wandering gaze from reconnecting with his, catching his eyes as they drank you in. God, he’s still just as beautiful... 

You collected your thoughts, pulling him into a fast goodbye hug before the rain picked up for good. “Thanks for walking me home, Sammy. I really appreciate it.”

Though you wanted the embrace to be short lived, he had other plans, taking your body into a full-fledged hug as he pressed his body into yours, resting his chin on top of your head. “You’re welcome, gorgeous. See you later?” And like his question was meant to be rhetorical, he turned around and rounded the corner, disappearing before you even had the chance to answer him.

+

That was two nights ago, and now you found yourself staring at your buzzing phone on the nightstand. The clock read 9:14pm, and of course, it was a string of texts from Sam. You scoffed as you rubbed your tired eyes and picked up the phone.

Maybe: Sam

Hey gorgeous! 

It’s Sam, still have my number?

You’d never tell him that you deleted his number after you realized it was of no use for you anymore.

What are you up to this evening? Daniel and I were thinking about grabbing a drink if you’d like to join!

You sighed and slammed your phone onto the mattress. You liked Sam. You really did. But it had been so long since your flings were regular, and you had grown up a lot in the past year. Between getting a new apartment, getting a promotion at work, and starting school again to get your BSN, you truly had let your past with Sam slip into the very back rooms of your mind. You had loved focusing on yourself and your career, and you had to admit, you were proud of yourself. You also hadn’t had many men grace your mattress since Sam... a one night stand here and there, but nothing of substance. You only found yourself thinking of Sam every once in a while, when you’d hear a song by Cat Stevens.

Or when you took a walk alone and would catch yourself wanting to send him a photo of a pretty flower you found. 

Or when you’d light candles around your apartment to wind down after a long day…

Or when you had too much to drink and found yourself lonely and succumbing to the overwhelming need for the touch of your own hand…

But only sometimes. Sam was busy with the band now, and you thought he had long forgotten about you. They had released their second full length album not long ago, and after its success, they had left on a giant tour and stayed busy with shows and the like. You were so very proud of him for following in the footsteps of his brothers and traveling the world with them and his best friend, making the music they loved for their loyal fans. Sam was so talented, you always told him you secretly thought he was holding his talents back and that he could apply so much more to the band. He never disagreed, but you could tell that he always insinuated a maybe someday, but not right now attitude. And you respected him for that. 

After adding his number back into your phone, you paused and held it against your forehead before deciding to reply to the text. You did have tomorrow off, and after the long week you’d had, you could really use a drink. 

You:

Hey Sammy, not much just relaxing at home. I guess I could meet you guys out for a bit, where are you headed?

Almost immediately, you saw his text bubble pop up to tell you he was typing. 

Sam:

I think Daniel said he wanted to go to Sloan’s, if that’s cool with you?

Sloan’s was actually your favorite spot, better than the place you’d happened to run into Sam two nights prior. It was an old dive bar down a backstreet, sort of tucked away, fairly small and uncrowded, but was always full of folks out to let loose. 

You:

Sloan’s is perfect. I’ll see you in a few! 

You sat up in bed and stretched before  making your way to your closet to change into something a little more presentable. A light sweater with a short velvet skirt and thigh high boots seemed a little much for the smoky sticky dive bar, but  it had been some time since you let yourself wear something other than scrubs or a pair of old jeans.

After spraying some volumizer in your hair and freshening up your makeup, you reached into your cabinet full of perfumes. The options were endless, but your eyes landed on an older bottle that had been pushed toward the back, a forest green bottle with a golden lid. It used to be your absolute favorite a year or so ago, and if you had the timing right, it’s probably the exact scent you wore when your rendezvous with Sam first began.

After two spritzes and applying some to your neck behind your ears, you caught the scent that drove your memory back in time, just like Sam’s cologne had done a couple of nights ago: You and Sam, no clothes, pouring rain outside, sitting in the backseat of your car together with arms intertwined around each other’s bodies in one of the steamiest encounters you’d ever had.

“You smell like honeysuckles and rain,” he had said, his voice breathless as his lips ghosted across your ear.

The memory was as fleeting as the smell of your perfume on your nose. You forced the memory away and finished getting ready, grabbing your purse to head downstairs and to the bar. 

Somehow, you had gotten there before Sam or Danny. You found a seat at the nearly empty bar and the bartender immediately greeted you. 

“Evening darlin, the regular?” Sloan asked. 

“You know me well, Sloan, yes please. Can you make it a double?”

Sloan, the sixty-something owner of the bar who was rough around the edges but had a heart of gold, shot you a questioning look.

“Rough day at the hospital?” she asked as she reached for a taller glass.

“Eh, not really. Just feel like I’m going to need it tonight,” you replied, dodging her glare. You’d been frequenting her watering hole for long enough that she knew enough about you to treat you somewhat like a family member… always looking out for you and even being your wingwoman on a few occasions. She shrugged her shoulders and handed you your drink, with extra limes. 

You looked toward the small stage in the corner of the bar and saw that a band was setting up their instruments for the evening. 

“Who’s playing tonight?” you asked Sloan as you sipped the first of your strong drink.

“Group called Spill, booked them about six months ago. They’re actually fairly hard to get ahold of, really coming up on the scene, so I hear. They did me a favor playin’ somewhere small like this…” she explained as she pressed glasses down onto the brush in the sink. 

You nodded in understanding, becoming fairly excited that Sam chose tonight, and Daniel chose this bar. 

Before long, the band began jamming a little bit to check their sound. They sounded sweet, kind of jazzy, kind of r&b. Then, a gentleman walked in toting an instrument case.

“Sorry I’m late fellas, got a little tied up with the lady,” the man joked with his bandmates. They met him with high fives and handshakes, patting him on the back like they hadn’t seen each other in ages. He then pulled out a saxophone from his case and began hooking it into all the respective cords and wiring. 

You’d been there about 20 minutes just enjoying the peace of the environment when your phone buzzed with a text from Sam.

Sam:

Almost there! Sorry, our meeting ran long.

You quickly replied,

No biggie! It’s starting to fill up, there’s a band tonight.  See you soon.

Not long after, Sam and Danny were greeting you with ‘hello beautiful’s and hugs all around. They took barstools on either side of you, and Sam signaled Sloan down to your end of the bar. 

“Ready for another, love?” Sam asked you.

“Sure, same thing please, ma’am,” you told Sloan. 

She brought your drinks, and the bar was filling up significantly now. The band had started to warm up a bit more, and you were loving catching up with Sam and Danny and hearing all their wild tour stories. You hadn’t seen Danny in a long time, probably since before you’d seen Sam last. You did notice his hair was longer and his stature had become significantly more muscular. But his personality was generally the same…still his same old genuine self. 

“Wow, you guys are really full on rockstars now. How cool am I to be hanging out with you right now?” you joked and poked Danny in the side. 

“We aren’t THAT famous, do you see people flocking to us for autographs right now? No, you don’t,” Sam retorted with sass. The alcohol had caused his eyelids to hood just a bit, and his words had started to just slightly slur. The band picked up and was playing at full volume now, letting their jazzy melodies reverberate off the old wooden walls of the building. People had begun to gather on the small makeshift space in front of the stage, using it as a dance floor. 

“These guys are pretty good, I’m digging the sax sounds,” you said. The lead singer was filling the room with his deep and raspy voice that floated over the sounds of the keyboard and complemented the saxophone perfectly. The band looked and sounded as though they had been playing together for many years. 

“Yeah, they kick ass,” Danny exhaled and looked at you sideways, giving you a displeased expression. 

“What?” you asked him, noticing Sam had become quiet, too. “What’s wrong?”

“Nah, nothing’s wrong at all, huh Daniel?” Sam jested as he peered over the top of his glass. “Wrong isn’t in our vocabulary tonight.”

“Mhm,” Danny hummed, scrunching up his lips. “That word is hereby banned, tonight, ok?”

You winced in slight confusion, wondering why it mattered. “Banned? So, I can’t like…say it—“

“Nope!” Danny confirmed loudly, leaning into you. “You can’t. But, its counterpart… that word, is allowed.” His voice was deep as he leaned into your bubble, his eyes glaring deeply into yours. “You know what that word is, Y/N?”

You swallowed, taken aback as you tried to make sense of the strange turn in conversation. “Uh, right?”

Danny’s palm slapped the bar in front of him, startling you a little as you heard Sam giggle from your other side. “Right! Right is the word. Everything tonight…will be, right.”

You couldn’t help the expression that painted your face as you tried to put the pieces together, wondering what the fuck Danny could be talking about. You glanced to Sam as he gave you a reassuring look and nod that said ‘just go with it’.

“We actually have a little confession, Y/N,” Danny spoke up again, his voice laced with faux guilt.

You swallowed the large drink you’d taken and looked over to Danny with questioning eyes. “Confession?”

Sam twisted in his seat, turning to face the stage as he leaned in close to your ear. “We kind of wanted to come and scope this band out to see if they’d like to tour with us a little bit on this next leg, and open a few shows for us,” he admitted. “We’ve all been listening to them for a while, they have a few EP’s out and everyone agrees they would sound great being openers.”

Your eyes grew wide with surprise.

“No way, that is SO cool! I am 100% in agreement with you guys asking them. They truly sound amazing in this little bar, I can only imagine what they’d sound like in a real show setting,” you babbled in excited succession. The boys nodded in agreement. 

“That’s kinda why our meeting ran late, they gave us the OK to move forward if we agree,” Sam added. 

You fell into disbelief again. “Wow, they’re gonna be over the moon,” you breathed as you looked to the band again, a mix of older and younger gentlemen who seemed to fall right into their music, moving from one song to the next with ease. They were true entertainers. 

The night was going on splendidly, and you found yourself getting more fuzzy from the alcohol. You also caught Sam stealing glances at you overtop of his glass, to which you would return with a smile and a wink. 

On top of the passing glances, he began subtly adding a hand to your thigh, an occasional “Remember that one time” story, and a “Daniel, doesn’t the lady look lovely tonight?” You’d roll your eyes at his attempts, knowing all too well the routes Sam would take to get you back to your apartment with a quickness. 

After a while, the three of you decided to move from the bar to an open corner table to get away from the direct sound of the band, and so they could hear them from all angles. You’d lost count of how many drinks you’d had, but you had noticed that Sloan had discontinued making them doubles, and lightened her hand while pouring the gin, of which you were very thankful. She had also begun to hand you a glass of water with each new drink you ordered. You made a mental note to tip her well tonight. 

After about an hour of talking amongst yourselves, the band announced they were going to take a short break, and Sam and Daniel both stood simultaneously announcing, “Time to take care of business!” You watched as they made their way over to them, shook their hands and introduced themselves. Sam then handed them a few business cards, and you were impressed with the looks of astonishment on the band members’ faces when they put two and two together, and realized who they were talking to and what they were being asked. Again, Sam and Daniel took the time to have short conversation, and shake each members’ hands once again. 

They began to make their way back over to the table, smiles plastered across their faces. You watched as the band all looked at each other in disbelief, and then all celebrated with a collective hug and excited hops and jumps around the stage. Giant smiles adorned all of their faces, some even hugged one another. A few gentlemen in the band were significantly older than Sam and Danny, but were excited nonetheless. You beamed with pride as they returned to their seats at the table.

“If I didn’t know any better, I think you guys just made their night,’ you said as you squeezed a lime into your drink.

Sam replied, rubbing his hands through his hair, “Yeah, I mean I think we were more nervous than they were! We’ve been watching and listening to them in bars since before we could legally drink. Our dad introduced us to them years ago when he played a benefit show with them. He went to high school with the drummer.” 

You sat smiling at your two friends and you realized how amazing they were as humans, taking time to make genuine relationships with people they hardly knew, and trying even harder to maintain relationships that already exist. You watched as they began to bounce ideas off one another and watch the band as they began to pick back up again. Pride filled your belly as you were overwhelmed with joy to be there with them tonight, watching them as they organically grew their professional careers while also trying to help out the little guys. 

“S’why don’t you have a boyfriend, Y/N?” Danny asked from across the small, round table. “And don’t tell me it’s because you don’t wanna be tied down…”

Your eyebrows shot up as you realized he hit the nail on the head. “Actually uh, that’s exactly why I don’t. I like my freedom…” you admit, folding your arms on the table. 

You heard Sam scoff from beside you. “Heard that one before…” he groaned, turning away. His sudden negative tone hit you in the chest. 

Danny noticed, too, but turned the conversation back to you. “Freedom, huh? I get that.” He sipped from the neck of his beer, swirling the last of its contents before tipping the rest back. “That why you wouldn’t ever make things official with Sam?”

You choked on nothing while Sam choked on the liquor he was swallowing. “Daniel! Shit…” Sam gritted as he repositioned himself awkwardly in his seat. You felt your face flush. 

“Um, for your information, Danny…he uh. He actually never asked…” The words escaped you before you could even think them through, and though they were the truth, you couldn’t help but feel resentment for speaking them. Of course he never asked. All you did was preach to him how much you loved being alone, and how you were too busy to commit to anything serious. You made it well known that you wanted to stay single, sleeping with Sam whenever you both saw fit without ever making a true commitment to the relationship. 

Of course he never asked. 

A quick glance to Sam’s downtrodden expression set that feeling in stone. You knew he wanted more back then, but you were too focused on yourself and unwilling to let yourself feel any kind of happiness that he may have brought to the table, simply for the fact that you’d rather keep things this way than ruin your own life with heartbreak. You were selfish, and you knew it. 

“Would you have said yes? If he’d have asked?” Danny pressed. 

“Daniel, can you shut the fuck up, please? Y/N, I didn’t ask him to—“

“Maybe,” you answered quickly. “Maybe not.”

“But you miss him, though?” Danny went on, much to Sam’s disapproval. “You guys obviously had chemistry, I mean, I remember how happy you’d both get when—“

“Daniel. Stop.” Sam interrupted him with force, his tone serious. "She doesn't want to talk about this. And honestly, neither do I."

You rolled your lips between your teeth, contemplating on how to save this now quite awkward situation. “Of course I miss him. We had… some excellent times, didn’t we Sammy?” you asked rhetorically, turning and focusing all your attention back onto a red-faced Sam. You placed your hand on his thigh and took notice that his arm was still balanced on the back of your chair. You could almost feel the muscles in his leg tense at your touch. 

“We did…” he quietly replied, letting his eyelashes flutter as he grinned sweetly at you. 

Just then the band started playing a very upbeat song that had a funky disco vibe to it, and suddenly Danny was reaching across the table, placing both of his hands on your face. “Please dance with me?” he asked, yelling over the music. Before you could answer, he was pulling you toward the dance floor, walking backwards slowly and not caring who he bumped into. His eyes were glued to yours, and he was mouthing the words along with the song. 

When you finally made it to the dance floor, he spun you around a few times before pulling you close and placing one hand on your lower back. His other hand held yours out to your side. Dancing had always been your most favorite thing, and it was rare that you found a partner who could keep up and move on-beat with the song, at all. Danny was a bit taller than you, but the way he effortlessly tossed you around the floor while keeping his feet and hips perfectly in time with the song had you floating, mentally and physically. He incorporated footwork and slides, spins and even dipped you low a few times. You were extremely impressed with his dancing skills and his ability to lead you without even having to try.  

“Daniel! Why didn’t you tell me you could dance?!” you demanded of him loudly overtop of the music. He continued to spin you around again before pulling you in close. He bent down slightly and pressed his mouth  to your ear, the touch sending an unexpected shockwave through your system. 

“What made you think I couldn’t dance? It’s literally my job to have rhythm,” he responded before pulling back and raising his eyebrows at you as if to say, ‘duh’. The more you considered it, the more it made total sense. His whole body had to keep time for hours on end as he played the drums, making sure the entire band was in check with what was happening during shows. 

You looked over to the table to find Sam still seated, relaxed back in his chair with his arms crossed, a wide smile across his face as he watched the two of you dance. You looked back to Danny who was returning your stare with the most intense look in his eyes. The neon lights mixed with the small disco ball was making his already dark complected skin glow an almost red, and his long, dark curls were pulled back into a low bun, making the small strands that had fallen around his face look even more sultry. He smiled coyly, showing off his bright white smile.

Suddenly he pulled your arms up around his neck and wrapped his arms around your waist, forcing you into a tighter squeeze than while you were dancing. He fluttered his eyelashes into a long blink before opening them again. He began a slow, sensual swaying back and forth that now matched the slower bluesy song the band had switched to. 

He leaned in to your ear once again, pausing for a quick breath before he spoke. “You know he really likes you, right?” He pulled back and smiled, waiting for your answer with his hands still balanced on your waist. 

You looked at him sarcastically. “I mean, I could have guessed that, I think…” you responded, trying to off-play it as he brought the awkward situation back again. 

Danny bit his lips to fight off an accusatory smile. 

You tucked your hair behind your ear as you avoided his gaze. “I mean, I kind of thought we just…had fun together, you know? Neither of us ever had time for anything serious…”

“Yeah yeah, solid excuse. I’m sure that’s how it started out for him, too. But here lately, I think he’s started to miss you for more than just, having fun…” he trailed off. You glanced over to Sam again. He sat in the same chair, now leaning down with his elbows on his knees, sipping on his drink. He had rolled the sleeves of his button up to his elbows, flexing the muscles in his arms a bit. 

When he saw you looking, he took his free hand and finger-combed his shoulder-length hair back, never breaking eye contact. Then in a whirlwind, Danny had you up in the air, spinning you around with the song. He lifted you slightly so you were looking down at him, catching you off guard as your feet dangled over the floor. 

He lowered you back down slowly, suspending you in the air as you descended. Before your feet could hit the floor, he made sure his face was within inches of yours, your lips daring themselves to brush against his. Suddenly the proximity felt wrong, with Sam watching your every move. “Danny, I—“

He pulled away a little, his eyes bouncing Sam’s way for just a second before he returned all his attention to you. You had your hands still balanced on his arms, and he felt sturdy and strong below your now loosened muscles. He pulled you in close, and began to sway along to the music once more. 

What is happening? What is this? You know he is doing all of this on purpose, but why? 

As he moved closer on the crowded dance floor, you could feel him under his pants, grinding into you in all the right places. He pulled your arms up around his neck again, catching you completely off guard as you began to succumb to the response your body was giving him. He put his lips to your ear, and placed a long and slow kiss right onto it, feeling little to no shame in his action.

He was breathing slowly, and you felt your whole body go warm with a tingling sensation. He started placing small kisses onto your ear and behind it, pushing your hair away from your neck as he did so. You wanted to pull away at the risk of Sam seeing it all, but something held you there, in complete bliss at the feeling of Danny’s mouth on you. You physically felt your eyes roll back and close, and you felt that warm and familiar tinge in your stomach and core, one that you weren’t sure what to do with, but you also didn’t want to go away.

“He won’t be mad, don’t worry,” he growled. 

“A-are you sure about that?” you laughed awkwardly, catching sight of Sam still seated in your peripheral. 

“Positive…” Suddenly his hands tightened around the muscles of your hips. “Y/N, do you know what the rhythm section is?” You closed your eyes as he spoke quietly but directly into your ear.

You raised your eyebrows in question as you pulled away for a second, telling Danny to go on. 

“It's the section of a band completely separate from the rest, but you’d never know it when you watch us perform. It’s our job to keep the pulse of the music going,” Danny continued to pull firmly on your love handles, slowly moving his hands to your lower back and back to your waist. He was pressing his fingertips gently into you, making the ambience of the room all the more heavy.

You felt extremely and overwhelmingly turned on, in more ways than one. This felt so wrong on so many levels… he shouldn’t be doing this, especially in front of Sam…

But there is that forbidden word… wrong. 

You couldn’t stop yourself from loving it, from letting it happen. There was something about the feeling of Danny’s hands on you, how they traveled, how they decided your next move for you, guiding you in the direction that he wanted you to go. 

In a moment of confidence, or better yet, weakness, you turned your head to the side a bit, exposing your neck. Danny took advantage of the angle, laying his lips right overtop of your carotid artery. He began lightly plucking at your pulse with his lips, exactly on beat with each hit of the kick drum. He continued to sway with the harmony of the singing and guitar, but his lips were moving in exact congruence with the deeper, underlying sound of the bass and drums. 

He crept back up to your ear. “See? It’s all about multitasking, knowing exactly what the song needs to sound like and being perfectly in time with the other half of my section, which in our case is Sam’s bass. We’ve got to be able to do it all. Hear it all. Feel it all...”

Danny pulled you slowly to the edge of the dance floor closest to your table. He turned with his back to Sam, so that you could look over his shoulder and right at Sam, who was already boring his eyes directly into yours. Danny pulled you close again and the song moved into a sultry, saxophone ballad with heavy melodies and tempo switches. 

…But you kept eye contact with Sam. Danny leaned in close to speak again, his voice painfully gritted. “You see sweetheart, without Sam and I, the band would have no back bone. We are great musicians apart, but when you put us together, we anchor everything down, naturally. We build a framework for all the other frilly shit to build on top of. Strong, the both of us, but not nearly as enticing without the other.”

The whole time, Danny never stopped his hips swinging in unison with yours, hugging firmly with his half-hard dick grinding into your core. “We learned a long time ago that we’re better together, and once we find our rhythm, that’s where the magic happens.” As if he could hear the words, Sam suddenly smiled a devilish smile from across the room, and took another long sip of his drink. 

You pulled back from Danny and looked him right in the eyes, questioning his motives, wondering if Sam knew what he had said to you. You could haul off and slap him, but the look in Danny’s eyes was hungry and confident. He brought his lips together and bit them both, now returning your questioning look. You dropped your arms from around his neck, and quickly made your way back to your table. 

Your mind was buzzing with confusion… wild, dirty thoughts had begun swimming through your mind as it made all of the connections on its own. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly the puzzle was complete in front of you, and honestly, you were pissed at them for it. Pissed that they even thought this could be a reality, but even more pissed that it felt… good. The sensation of Danny’s hands on you while Sam watched…fuck. It felt too tempting. It felt too… right. The one word that Danny gave you permission to use, tonight. Of course. 

Two wrongs. 

You stood in front of Sam, looking down at him without saying a word. The only response he gave you was a cheeky grin followed by a glance and a head tilt toward the door. You folded your arms across your chest, and felt Danny join you in standing before Sam.

The three of you shared a wordless nod. “Alright. Ok,” you spoke quickly and firmly, surprised at your own quick decision to go along with their outlandish request. Your body was absolutely burning already. For Daniel? For Sam, for them both…

Fuck, you’re drunk. But not that drunk. And still yet, this decision feels… the opposite of wrong. 

You know what? Fuck it. You deserve this. Is it outside of your comfort zone? Astronomically so. And you'll probably have regrets in the morning. But you know them, and you know they'd never do anything to make you uncomfortable. And who knows? Maybe it won't even happen once you get home and reality sets in.

You grabbed your purse that was hanging on the back of Sam’s chair and turned on your heels to beeline to the door. On the way out, Sam threw a hundred on the bar and told Sloan to keep the change. The guys shared waves to the band, as if to say “talk soon”. 

The three of you were quietly booking it down the street toward your apartment, with you keeping the pace three or four steps ahead of them. Your mind was racing with drunken thoughts, but you were still sober enough to realize what you were doing, what you were about to do. You hardly ever bring one man back to your home, let alone two. God, what the fuck?! 

You contemplated turning around, stopping them in their tracks, and ordering them to go back home. But something kept your feet walking, and if you had to guess, it was the feeling of Danny’s lips still attached to your neck, and the look in Sam’s eye when he wordlessly nodded toward the door.

You made it to the front doors of your building, and you reached into your purse for your key card. The doors unlocked, and you made your way to the elevator. After an awkward 20 seconds of waiting, the three of you stepped inside, and you pushed the button for floor 13.

They stood in the back of the elevator, and you to the front by the doors. You kept your back to them until the doors closed. As soon as they latched and the elevator began its ascent, you turned around quickly to find them both staring you down with devious expressions. Danny stood with his arms crossed and head rested back on the wall, eyeing you seductively. Sam was leaning with one arm on the back wall, and the other was twirling his mustache, also looking at you with those stupid familiar needy eyes. Stupid, stupid.

“Is this real? Are you guys playing a joke on me?” you finally asked in a pressing manner.

Neither one spoke, but instead shook their heads saying ‘no’, at the almost exact same. Sam said quietly, finally, “Not a joke, love.” 

Suddenly the elevator stopped on your floor. You waited for the doors to open behind you, and made your way over to your front door. As you began fumbling for your keys, your fingers became numb, like they had completely forgotten how to work. Here come the nerves. You finally opened the door, and held your arm out to invite them in first. They awkwardly, but confidently walked into your living room, clearing their throats as they made entry. You rushed and grabbed a bottle of vodka from on top of your refrigerator, and three glasses from the pantry. You set them down forcefully on the kitchen island as they finally gathered in. “Make us something strong. I’ll be right back.” 

You sauntered off to the bathroom to gather your thoughts as quickly as you possibly could. You shut the door behind you and leaned on the sink and looked at yourself in the mirror. ‘What the hell is happening?’ you thought. 

You lightly slapped yourself on the face a few times, willing yourself to get a grip. You were way out of your comfort zone, but for some reason, you felt completely safe and confident. And not to mention still extremely turned on. The alcohol was beginning to wear off a bit due to the influx of adrenaline of the realization that you just brought two men home with you, but you were counting on the vodka to bring that air of confidence back. You knew you were going to need it. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror again. “Just fucking do it, stupid. You’re a grown adult,” you whispered to yourself, reminding yourself that you really did need this, and honestly, had thought about this situation a time or two before. You took a deep breath and shook out your nerves, blinking away the dryness of your eyes as you tried to calm yourself. You sat down to pee, and freshened yourself up a bit, silently thanking your past self for shaving everything earlier in the day.

After you were sufficiently cleaned up, you nervously returned to the kitchen to find Sam and Danny standing at the island with three drinks made. Sam spoke up first. “Y/N, you know you can trust me. We don’t want to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

Danny continued, “Right, and we’ll turn around and leave right now if that’s what you want us to do. Just say the word.”

You stood with your arms crossed across your chest, pondering the two of them intensely. You picked up your drink and took a sip, inhaling the confidence to make your final decision. 

“Okay, and my word is, I want the two of you in my bedroom. Right now.”

+

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[gretavanmoon]

VERGE OF OBSCENE

Jake x female reader, Danny x female reader

14k words

+ Reader is faced with making a decision that she didn't anticipate when she left the bar, one night. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, she refuses to end her night on a bad note.

+ Hello friends! Tomorrow is my birthday, so I decided to gift you all with a little sum sum Danny and Jake. This story spawned from an idea @moonlightisdancing so graciously shared with me, so hopefully I did it justice ;) Enjoyyyyy

Thankies to @gretavangroupie for the read thruuu

Warnings: 18+! Angst: Cursing, Drinking, Bar Scene, Erratic/Unsafe Driving, Lying, Slight Jealousy, Unclean Thoughts

Y/N being a little heaux / Asshole Danny (I'm sorry don't k!ll me)

Smut: Kissing, Heavy Flirting, Dirty Talk, Touching, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex, Fingering, Oral Sex (M! and F! Receiving)

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, huh?” Danny says into your ear, his breath hot and spiced with the scent of dark rum as it melts you into a puddle of nothing on the floor. His hands are placed lightly on your hips, holding you up steady as your group of friends begins making its way toward the exit of the crowded club.

“Mhmm,” you nod, your hair falling in front of your face as you fight the urge to arch your back into him. Your eyes have begun to blur on their own, the alcohol and the atmosphere seeping into your system in the most delicious way. Your body begs you to let him know that the feeling is mutual, but before you can, he pulls away, sliding his phone out of his pocket as he sips down the very last of his icy drink. 

“I’ll order an uber,” he says, crunching on a piece of ice as his eyes drift from your face all the way down to the black strapped heels you’d chosen tonight.

“Bitch, you’re drunk,” your best friend Jasmine giggles in your ear, taking the place of Danny as she grabs your hand in hers, still halfway dancing as she pulls you toward the doors. 

“I’m not, Jas,” you laugh, wishing that you hadn’t worn these high heels. “I mean I am, I’m just… I think I’m more exhausted than anything. I haven’t danced that much in years.” 

Her hand is reassuring in yours as she guides the two of you, her own unsteadiness on her feet making you laugh.  

“Yeah, exhausted from eye-fucking Jake all night,” she squeals.

“Jasmine!” you yell, your eyes wide as your stomach drops, hoping that none of the other members in your group heard her. You stop the two of you and yank her hand from yours, gritting your teeth as you scold her. “I was not eye-fucking Jake. And you know that.”

“Sure babe, keep telling yourself that,” she raises her eyebrows. “My vision might be blurry, but I’m not blind.”

It’s pretty widely known within your circle that you and Danny have something going on, that something being more of a situationship with no actual boundaries or titles or anything. The two of you usually ended up making out at the end of the night, a little touching and whatnot, but it has never gone further than that. Neither of you are in the market for anything serious, so you’ve taken to letting him be your go-to on those lonely late nights, sending him risqué photos of you in the mirror after a few glasses of wine. 

But Jake… Jake has been your good friend since college. The guy that was always there to accompany you to social events, pick you up from parties, and cram last minute for exams with you. He’d always been that guy you could call on for anything and everything, the one you felt completely comfortable with in any situation.

“Just admit it, dummy,” Jasmine belts as you near the crowded exit doors, her arm in yours. 

“There’s nothing to admit,” you whisper. “I mean…look at him, he looks completely fuckable tonight, so I took a few glances. Sue me.” You roll your eyes at her as you watch her gaze covertly float back to Jake, standing amongst the rest of your group. 

“God, you’re right. He’s been looking exceptionally delicious lately, hasn’t he?” she purrs. 

“Mmmhm…” you agree, making sure not to look at him. 

It’s true, though Jake has always been good looking, lately there has been something special about him, something magnified in his persona, something devious in his aura. He’s changed up his attire a little, now donning sleek suit jackets and silver jewelry on his wrists and neck, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t prefer the way he’s been slicking his hair back into a tight knot at his neck. Over the past few months he’s become a lot more sophisticated and sure of himself, a complete 180 from the silly guy you never thought twice about. 

Lately he has seemed so much more confident in himself, and it literally drips from him. He’s sexy in his own way, that’s for damn sure, but these past few months you’ve caught yourself looking at him for longer than a few seconds, staring at his hands as he did literally anything, and finding yourself swept up in the way his lips danced across his teeth. And if it weren’t for Danny occupying most of your thoughts lately, you may actually picture Jake in those dirty daydreams, instead of him. 

As conversation takes a pause you do sneak a glance at Jake, his elbow leaned against the bar with the other tucked away in his pocket. He’s eyeing you hard, and he doesn’t make any attempt to look away when you catch him. Fuck, he looks so goddamned good tonight. But why isn’t he looking away?

You feel your stomach muscles tense just from the way his hooded eyes are staring you down, confident and obvious as he chews on the tiny black straw that once stirred his whiskey rocks. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s fine… he’s so fine. Jake. Friend Jake. Friend Jake?

“What I wouldn’t give to experience a good old fashioned romp with him, though,” Jasmine says, breaking the stare-down you and Jake had caught yourselves in. 

“Huh?” you say. “Danny?”

“Yes bitch. His long arms, his big hands… mmh. You lucky, lucky dog, being his sneaky link,” Jasmine goes on. 

“Jas, we haven’t even slept together, yet,” you admit quietly. 

She looks at you in disbelief. “Are you serious?! Why?”

You shrug. “Just.. hasn’t happened yet, I guess.”

“It’s going to though, right?” she asks, and you know she just wants to live vicariously. 

You look back at her, knowing that yes, it most likely will, but you’re also not here for rushing it with him. Why? You’re not sure…

“Uber will be here in ten,” Danny announces as he comes up behind you, his hand resting on your lower back as he takes another bite of the melted ice still floating in the tequila in his glass. He leans down, his voice icy and heavy in your ear. “Let’s go to the bathroom,” he slurs. “Just for a minute. Wanna see what you’ve got on under your shirt…”

You smile and bring your tongue to your top lip, knowing that sexually, things have been brewing between the two of you for some time now. Though he’s never outwardly asked you if you wanted to hook up for real, you know that given the way things are going, it’s bound to happen at some point.  

“The bathroom?” you reiterate, turning your attention to him and wrapping your arms around his neck. God, he smells good. You crane up to whisper in his ear. “Why don’t you just get out of the Uber at my place?” 

Danny hisses through his teeth at your proposition, rolling his head back on his neck. Finally he looks back down at you, biting his lip. “You really want me to?”

You consider it for a second, knowing that he is pretty damn intoxicated, and if anything, you might get a shower and some other extracurriculars out of him before he inevitably passes out long-ways on your bed. “Yeah, why not? Or your place, whatever.” You figured you’d give him options. 

His hands are traveling covertly across your ass as he tries not to make a big scene of the PDA, and for a split second, you hope that Jake can see it. “We can go to my place, my roommate is out of town…?” he perks his eyebrows. 

“Even better,” you reply with a cheeky grin. 

“Perfect…” he growls, looking over you more intensely than he ever really has. 

“Hey, come with me, I gotta pee,” Jasmine says, pulling on your arm. 

“Hurry up, the Uber is almost here,” Danny says as the two of you walk toward the bathrooms, Danny’s hand holding onto yours until the very last second. 

The bathroom is packed and loud with people touching up their makeup and waiting in line for a free stall. “I’ll hurry,” Jasmine says, hopping into an open one.

You don’t have to go, so you sulk away in a corner, deciding to check your phone for the first time in an hour or so. Your eyes adjust to the bright screen and you flip through a few instagram notifications and emails, not really seeing anything too important. Until– a text. 

A text from… Jake?

Your thumb hovers over the notification for a few seconds before you slide it open, expecting to see a funny meme or dumb article he’s shared, like always. But instead what you see sends a rush of nerves through your body strong enough to steal the breath from your lungs. 

Jake

1:12am: Stay with me tonight.

You nearly drop your phone as you look away from it, your eyes suddenly fixated on the floor. You can hear your heart beating in your ears, and a cold sweat breaks out across your palms. What? This is a joke, he’s joking. 

That’s why he was watching you so intently, he wanted you to look at your phone…

“Hey, you okay? You gonna throw up?” you hear and feel Jasmine enter your bubble, all the sound suddenly returning to your ears. “Your face is turning green… come on… let’s get to the toilet–” 

“No, no I’m fine, I…” You’re speechless as you turn your phone screen around to her, showing her the text. Her eyes read the words, and then grow so big that you think they might pop right from her skull. 

“JAKE? Jake, our Jake? Texted you this??” she yells, grabbing the phone from your hand as she does a quick few paces. 

“Yeah.. what…?” You don’t even know what to say, or how to react. “He has to be joking, right?”

“Text him back! Answer him! Oh my god,” she rambles, handing you your phone back. 

“What do I say?!”

“I dunno, just– anything!” she squeals, quickly rinsing her hands off in the sink. 

You type up a few different responses before landing on one, nice and simple. 

You

1:14am: Did you mean to text me? Lol

A bubble pops up almost immediately, and you feel like you could quite literally explode. 

Jake

1:14am: I most definitely did. Stay with me.

“Fuck, Jasmine, oh my god, I am not cut out for this…” you start to panic, shaking your hands. 

“Yes you are, bitch! Get your shit together, ok? He saw you looking at him, he knows you want him, jump. On. That. Shit,” she grabs your shoulders and shakes them.

“Hello, Danny? You expect me to just forget about him?!” you argue. 

She clicks her tongue. “Is it really going anywhere with him, though? Jake just asked you to come home with him, he couldn’t be more forward than that. And you said you and Danny are just having fun, right? Messing around?” 

“He just asked me to come stay with him, too. Tonight,” you admit, leaning your back against the wall in defeat. “There is no way this is happening, I need another drink.”

“No, you need to figure out who the fuck you want,” she says, pulling you from the bathroom into the sitting area outside of it. “Danny is fine as fuck, you guys have been having fun together, right? Yeah yeah whatever… and Jake. Our goofball friend suddenly turned… Christian Grey level sexy? And he wants you?! You need to decide, and quick,” she says, turning to look toward the exit again. 

“You’re just saying that because you want Daniel all to yourself,” you joke, trying to take the heat off the situation. 

“No no no no, that’s not… ok well that’s not untrue,” Jasmine says, crossing her arms. “If the opportunity presented itself, I would not turn him down,” she laughs, sticking her tongue out. 

“Hey, Uber is here!” you hear Danny yell from across the bar, motioning with his arm to come on. 

You feel a nervousness you’ve never felt creeping into your bones. “Maybe I should just get another ride and forget the whole thing, say I’m not feeling well and go home,” you suggest. 

“That’s up to you, babe. You’re your own woman. I’ll go with you, if you want…” Jasmine says, laying her hand on your shoulder. 

You glance back over to the group and see Danny standing holding the door open, and Jake a few feet behind him, watching you all the same. What in the actual midday soap opera is happening right now…

Your feet carry you toward the door on their own when you see Danny’s rushing expression and Jake’s intense one… both of these men want the exact same thing tonight. Great.

You’re on autopilot as you watch everyone begin drunkenly piling into the backseat, stumbling and laughing. First Danny’s two friends, then Jasmine, then Danny, then Jake. You’re left standing outside when you realize there isn’t enough room. Yes…

“Oh, shit. I’ll just call another ride, it’s no big deal–”

“No come on, we’ll make room,” Jake mutters as he looks at you with a smirk. 

“No, seriously, it’s fine. I’ll grab the next one,” you say, but you’re stopped short when you see Jake’s hand being held out for you. He wiggles his fingers to tell you to come on, and his slow-blink tells you he means it.

“Babe, c’mon,” Danny says, leaning over Jake. 

You swallow hard, taking a quick breath before grabbing onto Jake’s hand, and stepping up into the packed vehicle. As soon as you close the door behind you, the car takes off, making you lose your balance and fall straight into Jake’s lap. 

Oh shit fuck.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” you panic, trying to stand back up and adjust into another seat. Jake’s hands are on your waist as you stumble around the extremely crowded car, and you hear him mumble a soft and sweet “s’okay”.

Even in the dark, you can see that there is most definitely not enough room to take a seat of your own. The driver is driving erratically, taking fast and sharp turns and having absolutely no regard for his passengers, and it’s taking everything in you to hold on to the back of his headrest and the handle above you to keep from falling into the floor. 

You start to panic as the man speeds down the streets and takes a particularly sharp turn, forcing you against your will right into Jake’s lap again. Fuuuuuuck. There’s nothing you can do about it. 

You finally give up and let your body weight fall onto him, his hands instinctively holding you steady so you don’t slide sideways again. Everyone is loud and laughing drunkenly, in their own worlds and conversations as the car travels down the road. 

“You’re alright, you can sit all the way down,” Jake laughs, patting his knee. For some reason, Jake suddenly feels like a stranger. A person you have never met before, not one of your very good friends. You feel anxious in his presence, and your mouth goes dry when you hear him mutter again, “It’s just me…”

Danny is caught up in his own thing, hardly paying either of you any mind at all as he’s belting the words to whatever old Nelly song is blasting through the car speakers. You take a deep breath, and relax all the way down onto Jake’s waiting lap. 

“I’m sorry,” you apologize to him, rolling your eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” he says lowly, still smiling. You feel yourself go straight as a board, nervous to make a move at all as you realize the position you’re in. His hands are still respectfully balanced on your waist, and your hands are still gripping hard on the handles. 

The drive is nearly ten minutes, and even with the way the man is navigating, the traffic still holds up progress, making the drive even longer. You begin to sweat thinking about how you’re going to survive this, what you’re going to do when the time comes to get out. You glance back over at Jasmine who is making the most outrageous face at you, clenching her teeth and smiling from ear to ear. 

“You alright? You seem tense,” Jake brings his mouth close to your ear so that you can hear him over the blasting music. 

Tense. Tense? Is he joking?! You’re worse than tense, you’re about to jump out of your fucking skin, actually! 

“Yeah, I’m–” Another quick whip of the vehicle and a harsh stop makes you lurch forward and fly back again, your shoulder pressing into Jake’s chest. The smell of his cologne takes your breath even more intensely than the whiplash does, and his hand reaches up quickly to catch you from moving any further. “Fuck, dude! Drive often?!” you say, making everyone in the car laugh, but the driver pays you no mind. 

“He’s not getting a tip, is he?” Jake laughs sarcastically. You feel the tips of his fingers tap your thigh, signalling you to sit up a little. 

“Stand up a sec,” he orders and you do, and he lurches his groin forward, pressing himself into you. You have no idea what he’s doing as you feel his upper thighs press into your ass, and you know that your eyes have grown ten times their size. His left hand is still gripping your waist, almost holding onto you for leverage. Fuck, what is this… What is he doing? And why is it so hot?

Just as quickly as it happened it ended, and you catch sight of his right hand exiting his side. “Sorry, had to get in my pocket,” he says. “Here, one for you, one for me.” He plops back down into his seat, and you have to admit, the loss of the feeling of him damn near pressing his dick into you makes you shudder a bit. It felt…

He holds his hand out and presents you with two airplane bottles of some type of clear liquor. Once you see what he needed to get in his pocket for, you look back at him, his facial expression painted a mix of red and green as you pass underneath the crowded streets and stop lights. He raises his eyebrows, and urges you to take one. 

“Here,” he says, “thought it could help with your tenseness.”

You swallow as your eyes fall to his hand, and you realize that he isn’t wrong. Yeah, you definitely need another drink for what has turned into a shitshow of a night. “Thanks,” you offer, taking one of the bottles from his hand. 

You quickly open the lid and smell the contents, recognizing it right off the bat as tequila. Perfect. Jake does the same, but before he presses it to his lips, he presses the edge of his bottle to yours. 

“Cheers, Y/N. To a night of revelry.” His eyes are boring into yours as his tongue licks across his lips, and a tiny smirk comes across his face. 

“To revelry…” you repeat, and Jake is wrapping his arm with yours, tilting his bottle back to drain its contents. You prepare yourself for the sting of the liquor and take the shot, needing it now more than ever to numb your racing and confused thoughts. 

Your arms uncross and you replace the lids on the bottles after you’ve both swallowed it all down, and you’re thankful that Jake had paid special attention to what you needed in the moment, while Danny still sits completely unknowing directly beside you. 

Jake rips the empty bottle from your hand and sticks the two of them in the front pocket of his jacket, his hands going right back to supporting you still in your awkward position on his lap. You hate to admit it, but the alcohol has almost instantly calmed you a little, while it simultaneously is making you feel just a touch more daring. Jake looks like a fucking model tonight, and you’re relaxing comfortably on his lap. After he asked you to come home with him. What more could you even ask for?

In an act of courage, you decide to wrap your arm around his neck, balancing your elbow on the back of his seat. It brings you significantly closer into his realm, and you hear him take in a sharp breath at your new proximity. “Sorry, couldn’t sit like that any longer,” you say, your chin nearly resting on his shoulder. 

“No worries, love,” he replies, readjusting his hand on your waist to fall a little lower than it was. Your heart is beating from your chest, and you swear you can feel the blood pumping through your veins. Why? It’s just Jake… just your friend. You’ve hugged him a million times before. Why does it suddenly feel so… different?

And all of a sudden, the car jerks you sideways again, redirecting your ass to sit directly on top of… him. Perfectly. Fuck. If there weren’t clothes to block the connection, the two of you would find yourselves in the most perfect position for some insane obscenity, right now. And you feel a surge of desire flood you, while simultaneously feeling Jake jerk in his pants below you. God damn, he feels fucking…

He takes a deep breath and exhales it through his mouth, his air blowing across your hair and lips a little bit as he reacts to the new position. He’s just as flustered as you are. For a split second, his hand wrapped around your waist tightens, squeezing at your side before he lets it drift down just a little to your thigh. Fuckkkkk. Your eyes nearly roll back as you feel his dick jerk between your legs again, in the most perfect position. You’re thankful for the darkness of the lower half of the car, concealing everything that has happened in the past few seconds in shrouded shadow. 

Danny still sits oblivious, deep in pointless conversation with his friend beside him. He could give a damn less, and you’re almost positive he doesn’t even remember that the two of you have made plans, tonight. 

Meanwhile, Jake’s breath is picking up as you see the slight rise and fall of his chest behind his partially unbuttoned shirt, also a new staple in his changing wardrobe that had you going fucking nuts the first time you saw him in it. Your face is still close to him as you continue leaning sideways on his seat, and you realize just how close your lips are to his ear. He’s trying his best to seem nonchalant, but still is being very intentional with the movements of his hand, still concealed in the darkness. 

It slowly travels up your leg to your upper thigh, gentle but forceful all at the same time. Your head starts to spin, he’s touching you. He’s touching you like that. You blow out a huff of air into his ear, making his jaw clench. His hand squeezes at your muscle, his fingers dangerously close to being up underneath the hem of your tight dress. 

He turns his head to face you, almost within inches. “That dress looks really good on you tonight,” he mutters, his eyes flicking from the windshield back to you. You can feel the heat from his breath on your lips, complimenting you in the sweetest most flirtatious tone. 

“You think so?” you ask, your breath hitching as you feel him hardening below you. 

“Mmmhm,” he growls, your faces within centimeters, now. “It really accentuates your body. Shows you off…” His eyes drift to your tits for just a second too long, as his tongue juts out and licks his lips. “But I think my favorite part is this… right here…” His hand that is squeezing between your legs moves to curl a finger up underneath the tight hem that is stretched across your thighs, way too high now that you haven’t yet been in a position to pull it back down. His finger runs along the seam around the side of your leg to the back, and his hand wastes no time in completely gripping your ass.

…You might fall the fuck apart. 

You squeak out a sound that you can’t control as his hand squeezes and kneads at your partially-covered ass cheek, and his motions make your body react completely on its own. You sit down harder on his dick, grinding your hips onto him for just enough time to get a little friction where you need it. You should be embarrassed, but you’re not. Thanks, tequila.

“Your– your favorite part, huh?” you manage, your lips drifting across the baby hairs sticking free from his ponytail. He still stares directly out the windshield, like nothing is happening at all. 

“That’s right,” he says, his fingers beginning to get a little more adventurous as you feel them nearing your heat, from behind. He’s squeezing the muscle even more tightly now that you haven’t stopped him. You’re completely flushed… dizzy and wanting as he’s sitting cool as ever below you. It sort of pisses you off, how you know for a fact that your body language is anything but relaxed, while his hand is buried between your legs. He displays hardly any outward look, at all. The perfect facade. 

Just to get a rise out of him, you sit down on him with a little more force, swirling your hips as you grind in your search for friction. The action takes him by surprise as he grunts out a breath that sounds a bit desperate, exactly what you wanted from him. 

He tries to cover it up with a cough. 

“Jake man, you alright?” Danny turns from his other conversation to ask. Danny’s eyes flick to the two of you in this position and you quickly clean it up, leaning up a little and acting as though Jake’s fingers aren’t dancing around your opening. 

“Yeah man, all good,” Jake replies through a strained breath. 

"Take a breath, dude," Danny says as he smacks Jake's knee.

The way everyone is crammed in the seats has Danny’s back to you, anyway, so he has to strain to turn around backward and look for you. You’re not sure if it’s a gift from the heavens that he can’t see you very well, or an opportunity for the ages that Jake saw, and took full advantage of. Just then, Danny’s hand reaches back behind him, gripping onto your knee that’s closest to him. His hand starts to travel a little, all the while Jake’s fingers still exactly where he left them. 

Oh fucking hell… no.

Danny’s hand moves again, down the length of your shin and back up again, rough and hot as he feels you up in the darkness. He never turns his head around, but his hand continues to sneak higher and higher, so much to the point that his fingers are dusting the inside of your opposite thigh. It’s then that you’re positive he’s completely unaware of what you and Jake are doing just inches away from his hand. 

Danny firmly grips the muscle of your leg, switching between squeezing onto it and lightly trailing his fingertips over your already goosebump-covered skin. You wish you could see Jasmine, you wish you could telepathically tell her what is happening, that both of their hands are secretly on you, fighting for all of your attention. And neither of them have any idea the other is there, and neither have any intention of stopping. 

You try to breathe and calm yourself, trying to ignore the fact that both men have their hands on you in their own stealthy and secret ways. It's jarring, but it also mind-fucks you a little, your thoughts streaming with filthy and unadulterated thoughts of... No. Don't even go there, Y/N. Absolutely not...

“I meant what I said tonight, in the text,” Jake’s graveled voice is suddenly brushing against your ear. His fingers are still slowly working you into an oblivion, down a long road you’re not sure you’ll ever return from. You feel him press a little harder, inching closer and closer to your thong- the only barrier between his hands and you. You sit down on him even harder, the mixture of his fingers teasing you so deliciously and Danny’s hand massaging you… it’s a cocktail that you can’t deny, a mixture of deathly decisions and filthy visuals that you can’t help but become victim to. And you’re fucking loving it. 

“Did you?” you manage, your mouth still close to his ear. You're nearly intoxicated by the smell of his cologne.

“I did… and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the way your body is reacting right now, you just might tell me you will,” he goes on, making your head spin again. “Am I right?”

Your eyes flutter closed as you swallow again, arguing with what’s right and wrong as Danny’s hand reminds you that technically, he had you first. You told him you’d stay with him, tonight is supposed to be the night…

Jake’s fingers move a little closer, pulling your thong to the side as he slowly creeps even deeper, his movements so calculated and drawn out that you have to bite down on your own tongue to keep from crying out. Both of their hands are driving you to insanity, and you can’t even say a damned word without revealing what the other one is doing. 

You’re in a delicious purgatory, and you’d sit in this car for all of eternity if it meant you could keep feeling like this. 

The way that you're currently the keeper of both of their secrets, letting them do what they want to you, in complete confidence. Every few seconds you're reminded that the other one is there, when one of their hands would steal all of your attention away from the other. Your mind is being pulled in two directions, your consciousness traveling from left to right as they both unknowingly battle for your attention.

Just then Jake’s fingers find your clit, pressing harshly into it with tiny circles as you realize now that you’re fighting for your life. Your forehead leans onto his temple, all the breath escaping your lungs as he starts to build you up. “Oh my god,” you whisper in his ear through grit teeth. Your voice is desperate and pitiful as you fight swirling your hips on his hand, pleading with yourself to ignore the way he feels, and the way Danny’s hand is relentlessly kneading into your other leg. 

“That feel good, baby?” Jake whispers below the roar of the music still filling the car. “That what you wanted me to do?”

You nod quickly, knowing that your decisions tonight will be ones that you try and forget about tomorrow, but the situation is too damn delicious to ignore, right now. “Yeah,” you whisper, nipping your teeth onto his ear. You feel his hips buck up, his dick hard as a rock beneath you. 

“Tell me about it, tell me how it feels…” he whispers to you again, his fingers still working you to a point of no return. 

Danny’s hand is still stretched as far as it can in the position he’s in, and you can tell that the way he is moving, his mind is coming back to him, and he’s preparing you for what is going to happen when the two of you get out of the car. 

“Feels so fucking good…” you murmur, little whines falling from your lips as he lets his thumb tease at your entrance. “Don’t want you to stop, but…”

“But what, baby?”

You swallow, opening your eyes a bit as his thumb still teases. “I–You know I’m… going home with Danny…” The words feel like poison in your mouth, and you hate to admit it, even though it’s the complete truth. 

But Jake knows your situation with Danny. He’s not unaware of any of it, at all. 

“Hm,” Jake grumbles. “Is that still a thing?”

“Kind of, yeah… I mean…” you breathe, and Jake hasn’t slowed down his movements, at all. Each pointed touch of his finger on your clit is driving you to madness, and you’re surprised at your ability to even keep a little bit of a level head in your conversation. 

“Interesting. Every time I looked at you tonight, your eyes were already on me, watching me like a hawk. I could have sworn those were fuck-me eyes, Y/N…” 

He presses his thumb inside you a little, making you gasp a loud breath. The way your name sounded coming from his perfectly pouted lips… It sounds so different than it normally does. So much more strained, so desperate. He pulls his thumb back out, concentrating again on your clit. 

“Who even are you, Jake? You’re like an entirely different person, all the sudden,” you admit through quiet choked breaths. You don’t know where that question came from, though you’ve been so curious about it for the past few weeks.

You catch his eyes darting around as he searches for an answer. He shrugs his shoulders. “Just have come into my own lately, grew up a bit. I dunno… why, is it a bad thing?” 

“No! No, it’s… you’re the same you, just…” 

“Now I have the confidence to do what I’ve always wanted to do to you, in the back of a car, secretly…” he mutters, clicking his tongue a little as he adds a little pressure to your clit. You can tell you’re absolutely soaking his hand, but you feel no shame in it. You hope to god Danny can’t feel your legs shaking and vibrating with pleasure… either that, or you hope that he thinks he’s the one causing it. 

“You have? Why didn’t you ever…” you ask him, wondering why he’d never made an advance before. Or, had you been just too blind to see it?

Jake takes a breath. “I dunno, just never thought you’d be into me like that.”

“First stop!” the driver calls out, putting the car in a harsh park. You lurch forward and back again, your mind coming back to you a little bit. 

Jake and Danny both quickly remove their hands from you as the cab lights in the car come on, and Danny’s two friends jump out. The loss of their touch is devastating, and you wonder what in the actual fuck you’re going to do when you eventually make it to Danny’s place. You take a second to glance back at Jasmine in the backseat, and immediately she can tell that something is going on. 

You have only a second to communicate wordlessly to her before the doors are closing, and the car is taking off again. Now, the freed up space allows for you to have your own seat. 

“Here babe, you can scoot over here, now,” Danny says, patting the seat between him and Jake. “Your legs fall asleep, Jake? Damn, we were really smashed in here.”

“You could say that…” Jake grumbles, taking one last opportunity to squeeze your ass as you climb off of him, the disconnect instantly making you fill with a frustrated rage. 

You cross your arms as you find yourself sat between them now, pissed off and left feeling more edged than anything. Danny’s arm wraps around your shoulders and pulls you toward him. “Can’t wait to get that dress off you… I’m over here going fucking crazy…” he says into your ear. 

You can’t help the expression that falls across your face. Fuck… if he only knew the situation you’re currently in… he’s going crazy?! He hardly paid you any mind at all for the past ten minutes you’ve been in here… his hand was the only contact he made, and you know his touching you was solely out of drunken opportunity. 

Jake, on the other hand… quite literally…

You don’t give him a straight answer as the car pulls down Danny’s street, and your mind begins to race with crazed thoughts. Your stomach churns with nerves, and you almost wish you hadn’t taken that last shot of tequila. You feel like you’re being pulled two ways- wanting to go home with Danny after dancing around the act for weeks now, and leaving yourself to stay with Jake to finish what the two of you have started. 

You know it’s wrong to even consider Jake, but something about him lately, and tonight, has made him like a forbidden fruit that you can’t help but crave. And after learning that apparently he’s wanted you all along…

The car begins to slow down in front of Danny’s building, and the nerves are so bad you feel like you could throw up. Danny slings the door open and steps out, turning to take your hand. 

The invisible string… one end of you tied to Danny and the agreement you’d already made, and one end tied to the man beside you, his aura magnetizing you to stay with him… don’t get out of the car…

Your hand moves on its own, clasping itself around Danny’s as your body pulls itself from the vehicle, slow and blurry as your foot hits the concrete. Danny offers you a sweet, buzzed smile as he helps you to get your footing on the sidewalk. “You ready, gorgeous?” he asks, and your head nods, really unknowing if you are ready, or not. 

Danny closes the door behind you and you turn to look at Jake, his jaw clenched tightly with his hand in front of it, his eyes glaring and low as the car pulls off to the next stop. 

Well, fuck.

Danny pulls you through the front doors of his building and up the stairs to his apartment door. Your mind is still racing and your legs are still like jello from the performance that Jake had given you just minutes ago. You can tell that Danny is still feeling his liquor, stumbling just a little as he meanders through his dark apartment with you in tow. You had only been here once before, so you know your way around just a little bit. It’s a studio apartment, so you plop down on his bed, pulling your arms into yourself as he turns the kitchen light on. 

“Gonna grab a water, you wann’one?” he stammers, his eyes hardly focused. 

“Yeah, please,” you say, pulling your phone from your purse to see a string of notifications from Jasmine. 

Jas

1:31am: BITCH WHAT THE FCUK WERE YOU TWO DOOIGN UP THERE

1:31am: i saw you whispering to him

1:31am: what did he say what did you say

1:34am: ANSER MEEEE

1:34am: he was so sad looking when u went with danny i cant believe uuuu. Anyway have fun i guess

“Here ya go,” Danny says as he hands you a cold water bottle. He’s already chugged half of his, and he lies down beside you, pressing the cold bottle to his forehead. 

“Thanks,” you say, taking a few sips off the top. “You have too much?”

He sits up, tossing the bottle to the side before wrapping his arm around you and pressing you down into the bed. “No no, I’m good. Just kinda… well, maybe a lil’. But I still want to uphold our plans, yeah?” His face is buried in your hair, and you can feel his mouth starting to lay wet kisses up and down your neck. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, the feeling of his mouth on you overtaking your mind already. Danny has always felt exceptionally good, able to turn you on within seconds. His hand is traveling over your body, over your stomach and legs and thighs as he delves into the sensitive skin of your neck, on the verge of leaving marks, if he wasn’t careful. Your eyes roll back as he moans in your ear, pressing himself up against you. 

“Now, about this dress..” he says, pulling your straps down. You help him free your arms as your tits pop free, your nipples already perking up just from the contact he’d made. “Fuckin’ beautiful…” he says, leaning up on his elbow to reach down and hitch your leg over his waist. He takes your nipple into his mouth and begins swirling his tongue around it while his hand massages and kneads the other. 

Your body begins shuddering from the feeling of it all, and the presence of his hardening dick pressing between your legs doesn’t help matters. Finally he connects his lips to yours, hot and messy as the kiss is deepened second by second. His hands are cupping your tits, and you can’t help but grind into him. Fuck… yeah, he feels good, but, is this going to go as planned? No matter how hard you tried, you can’t get the visual of Jake’s face as the car door shut from hanging in the back of your mind. 

You switch gears to try and flush the thought of Jake from your mind, pulling Danny to his back and straddling his waist. You immediately lean down and pull at the hem of his shirt, ripping it over his head. God, his physique is un-fucking-real… You can’t help but to want to kiss it, to lick every inch of him. Your mind is completely reeling with a wild hormonal draw to him, while thinking about Jake’s hand between your legs, while you’re undoing Danny’s belt, thinking about how Jake’s breath felt on your lips. 

For the love of god, get it together, Y/N. 

“So sexy, baby…” Danny stutters as you begin making your way down his body, nipping at his pecs and sides as you descend down him, your body pulling you there on its own. His hand is tangled up in your hair as you begin teasing at his dick through his boxers, breathing hot air and humming your lips against him. You can feel your mouth starting to water just thinking about how he is going to taste on your tongue. This wasn’t the first time you’d done this for Danny, of course, but the foreplay has to start somewhere, right?

Danny bucks his hips into your mouth as your tongue glides over the tip, the indirect touch driving him absolutely wild. “Need your mouth, baby.. Need it– ahhh… so bad…”

His words urge you on to get your head on straight, pulling down at his boxers to expose him. His dick springs free and you immediately connect your lips to it, flicking the tip of your tongue. You feel the saliva begin to pool in your mouth as his stomach tightens in. “Fuck, yes, baby…” he says, his hand tightening in your hair again. You open your throat as best you can, taking him all the way down in one go. The sounds that leave him make you feel a fierce desire for him again as you begin bobbing up and down, using your hand for help. 

Your tongue swirls and flattens as you watch his free hand grip onto the sheets. You sit up and pull his boxers and jeans all the way off, giving yourself a little more space to work. You dig your nails into the skin between his thighs, making him hiss an inhale. “Too much?” you ask.

“No, perfect… Keep going…” he breathes, sitting up for just a second to watch you. You work at him for what feels like ten minutes or so, just watching him get to the edge before he falls right back off again. You try different techniques and tricks, but you realize fairly quickly that your jaw is beginning to tighten and feel sore. You bring your hand to the base of his dick again, pumping it along with your mouth. “Fuck, fuck… baby…” he grunts again, and you can taste the precum finally dripping into your mouth. 

“Taste so good, Danny…” you breathe when you find a free second. You’re trying to get him there, pulling out all the shots you can think of to get him to tip over the edge. His hand tightens in your hair again, and you feel yourself feeling touch-starved, especially since you were so worked up earlier. You slip your hand between your legs and move your thong to the side, quickly finding the place that Jake’s fingers had just inhabited not long ago. 

Jake… 

His fingers… they were just… there. 

Maybe if you picture it’s him touching you again instead of yourself…

You close your eyes and envision it, letting yourself moan a little hum onto the tip of Danny’s cock. 

“Oh fuck, do that again,” he cries, his head falling back onto the headboard. You do as he asks, all the while still picturing the feeling of Jake’s hand bringing you right back to the brink. Fuck, this feels so wrong. And so, so fucking right. 

Suddenly Danny’s hand leaves your hair and grips onto the sheets again, the veins in his hands popping out as you watch him claw his way to the peak, his stomach caving in over and over as you work him harder. 

“Mhmm…” you hum onto him again, realizing that is what he needed to get over his awful case of whiskey dick. You finally manage to get him there, watching as his face falls into a clenched expression as he fills up your mouth completely. You swallow it down and do your best to clean him up while he catches his breath on the come-down. 

“Jesus you are so fucking hot,” he says once you’re all done. He hooks his arm up underneath your arm pit, pulling you to lay beside him. “That was… excellent.” 

“Thank you,” you giggle, your clit still pouding with stimulation. The two of you lay there for a few minutes as he enjoys his euphoria. 

“Gimmie just a minute, I’ll pay you back, baby,” he says softly as his eyes begin to close. 

You nod as you glance up to him, your body on fire with want and need for reciprocation so intense that you can hardly stand it. His eyes are all the way closed and he’s completely relaxed back, and it’s then that you realize exactly what you had suspected would happen- he’s going to fully pass out on you. 

‘Fucking kidding me,’ you think to yourself. ‘Is he serious?’

You should have known better, given how hard it was to get him to cum from a fifteen-minute long blowjob. A good one, at that. 

Two minutes later, he’s snoring. Goddamnit. 

And suddenly, you’re pissed. Pissed at it all. You know its just the rage from not getting anything out of this fucking deal tonight, and feeling rejected and forgotten after Danny got his. You have half a mind to sneak into his bathroom and finish things off yourself, but just as you’re about to grind your knuckles into Danny’s chest to wake him up, he rolls over, tucking his hands up underneath his pillow as his breathing completely evens out. Yeah, he’s out for good. Your heartbeat is flying off the handle from the bitterness you feel mixed in with how fucking turned on you are. 

Fuck this night. 

You gently lean down and pick up your phone that is still sitting on the bottom of the bed, the bright light hurting your eyes as the screen comes to life. You decide to answer Jasmine’s texts, even though you know she is probably already asleep. 

You

2:13am: 🍆❌🥃👎😴

Your finger flips back over to the text from Jake, and you shudder at how harshly you left him on read… through text and in the car. You feel absolutely terrible. In all honesty, you should have stayed back with him tonight. Things could have ended up so differently. You halfway curse yourself for being such a brat about it all, because really, Danny didn’t do anything wrong at all. Upsetting, but not wrong. He did have a bit too much to drink.

In an act of pure courage (and horrific lingering arousal), you text Jake back. 

You

2:14am: If I would have stayed with you, would you have fallen asleep on me?

You set your phone on your chest, halfway regretting sending the text, at all. You cover your eyes with your hand, fiercely tapping your other hand on your stomach as regret fills your mind. 

Then suddenly, it buzzes. 

You peek one eye open, expecting to see a reply from Jasmine. But– of course…

Jake

2:16am: He didn’t…

You

2:16am: 🙂

Jake

2:17am: Fuckin idiot.

2:17am: No, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep on you. I think we both know that. 

You

2:18am: Why are you still awake?

Jake sends back a photo of his feet propped up on his ottoman in front of a fireplace, holding a glass up in front of it. 

You

2:19am: Nightcap?

Jake

2:19am: No, it’s carbonated water. Couldn’t force down another drink if I wanted to

Danny startles you with a loud snore as he adjusts himself, getting comfortable again in his bed. And for some reason, it pisses you off all over again. 

You

2:20am: What if I was there, would you have a drink with me?

Jake

2:20am: I would do anything you want, if you were here

2:21am: I got you all worked up for nothing, huh

You

2:21am: Understatement of the year.

Ya know what? Fuck it. 

2:21am: But, not for nothing…

You slowly stand from the bed, rushing across Danny’s living area to slip quietly into his bathroom. Before you close the door behind you, you check to make sure he’s still asleep. When you’ve made sure the coast is clear, you lock the door behind you. 

Alone and still frustrated with sexual tension, you turn on the dimmer switch on the wall, pulling it all the way down to as dark as it will go. You stand in front of his full-length mirror and pull one of your straps down to expose one of your tits. You fluff your hair and find the perfect position to stand, covertly covering up your nipple as you hike the tight bottom of your dress up a little higher. 

You open your camera and adjust the lighting and snap a few photos, finding them all to be unreasonably sexy, if you do say so yourself. You finally choose the best one and attach it in a text to Jake, holding your breath as you hit send. 

You

2:23am: Still very much worked up 

You watch as the messages deliver, and Jake’s text bubble pop up and disappear four or five times as he is likely trying to decide what to respond with. You’re feeling a little more confident now, knowing that you’ve most likely left him a little speechless. It's an entire minute before he finally responds. 

Jake

2:24am: Fuck

You snicker at his response before going ahead and typing up another. 

You

2:24am: Think I made the wrong decision tonight

Jake

2:25am: Was waiting for you to admit that to yourself 😏

You sit down on Danny’s toilet, suddenly feeling very cold in the skimpy dress. You take a deep breath and rest your chin in your hand as you try and decide what to do next. You can steal one of Danny’s t-shirts, climb under the covers next to him and call it a night, or you could convince Jake that you’d rather be with him, and see what happens. 

You feel your phone buzz in your lap. 

Jake

2:27am: What if I promised to finish what I started

You

2:27am: If that entails anything like what you did to me in the car, I’ll take you up on that promise

Jake

2:28am: It has everything to do with what I did to you in the car

2:28am: And don’t act so innocent, I felt you trying to tease me, too

You

2:29am: Jake, it was obvious I wasn’t the only one worked up

2:29am: I never claimed to be innocent… 😇

Jake:

2:30am: God you’re a piece of work

You

2:30am: Come get me. 

Jake

2:31am: Be there in 5. 

Fuck fuck… this is really happening. Shit, you have made some horrible decisions tonight. But there is time for repentance later. Tonight, you’re going to pretend like nothing in the world matters. 

You take a quick second to freshen up and dab some of Danny’s toothpaste on your finger, at least making yourself seem like you’ve not taken part in too many bad decisions, tonight. When you’re done, you creak the bathroom door open again and find Danny still snuggled up and passed all the way out. You quickly send him a text that you found a ride home, not wanting him to wake up and freak out too badly. You’re pissed at him, but honestly, not too mad. It ended up in your favor, to be honest. You place your bottle of water on the table beside him and plug his phone in before making your way to sit on his couch, waiting for your incoming text from Jake. 

+++

“Here, brought you these,” Jake says as he hands you a pile of clothing after you’ve placed your seatbelt across your chest. “Thought you’d probably be cold.”

You unfold it all to find a pair of his sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, and a pair of old socks. “Jake, this is so sweet, you didn’t have to.” You feel your chest warm at his gesture. 

“You look fine as fuck in that dress, but I know you’ve gotta be uncomfortable,” he laughs, one hand balancing on the steering wheel as he backs out of Danny’s lot. 

You place the clothes on your lap, biting your lip in. “How about I leave the dress on for just a little while longer?” 

You hear him exhale a laugh through his nose. “You really are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

“No,” you reply shortly. “You can’t finish what you started if you aren’t alive.”

His eyes drift over to you in the passenger seat as his fingers rub over his mustache. Still so horrifically sexy. Good god. 

“You really wanna do this, Y/N? I really just wanted to save you from staying somewhere you didn’t want to be tonight… we don’t have–”

“I want to Jake, I do,” you reply strictly. Your hand shoots over and lands on his leg, and you feel no shame in teasing him in the exact same ways that he was teasing you, earlier. Your hand moves up and cups right overtop of his bulge, and you hear him hiss as his hips jut forward in the seat. You begin lightly massaging it. “Unless you don’t want to…”

“Nonono I do, I do,” he says, shaking his head through a laugh at you as he continues down the street. “Can’t believe Danny did that to you tonight. Fucking figures.”

Your hand stops its motion. “What do you mean, figures?”

Jake inhales a sharp breath. “I told him he had to make a decision, you or that other girl. It wasn’t fair him leading you on like he was… guess he proved that to you all by himself.”

Your blood rushes to your head. What?

“Wait, what?! What other girl?” you sit up in your seat and face Jake, now entirely interested in something else. 

He stumbles over his words, focusing on the road in front of him. “You didn’t– I thought you guys were kind of, open… right?”

You’re suddenly exasperated. “I mean, yeah I guess… we didn’t have a title or anything but like… we… I thought we were something… I thought he’d at least stay awake long enough to–”

Jake is silent for a second as he lets you process your thoughts. 

“He was texting her all night, Y/N.”

Your jaw falls slack. “What? He was?”

Jake nods, flicking his turn signal. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, it’s not my business.”

“No, it most definitely is your business. You’re my friend, right? Longer than Danny has been my friend. It’s your business, I’m your business…”

His eyes dart to you again and give you a look that makes your heart skip a beat. He’s being protective over you. 

“He’s been texting her a while, hooking up and whatnot. I don’t know anything further than that, or even who she is. But it pissed me off to see him hiding his phone so much, tonight. He was supposed to be there with you. I knew that he was trying to not let anyone see, but I saw it. A couple of times. I–I honestly thought that was why you were eyeing me so hard from the dance floor, I thought you might uh, have noticed him being weird and might be wanting to make him jealous or something. I dunno.” 

You shake your head and laugh disbelievingly. “Wow…” you mutter, suddenly not regretting your decision to come here with Jake, at all. Fuck Danny for that. He should have at least told you. You weren’t exclusive, but you also didn’t have anyone else on your radar. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that… I probably ruined your night,” Jake says as he pulls into a parking spot in front of his house.

“No. Actually, no, I’m glad you did. Something had felt kind of… off with him lately. I’m glad to know my gut wasn’t wrong,” you reply. 

Jake turns the car off and you just stare at one another, waiting for the other one to talk. “I can take you home instead, if you’d like,” he offers, his true colors coming through even through his brand new facade. Actually, maybe it isn’t a facade at all. Maybe this is who he has truly always been.  

“No. I want to be here, with you,” you reply honestly.

“Not for revenge?”

“No, fuck no. I should have told you I’d come home with you when you sent me that text. I know that now. I wanted to… I just… didn’t want to be rude and bail on him.”

“Maybe you are a sweetheart,” Jake pokes as he opens his car door, signaling for you to follow him. You both make your way out to his walkway and start heading up to his front door. 

“I am a sweetheart! What do you mean?!” you laugh, slapping him in the arm. 

“Ow, fuck,” Jake says, grabbing his arm as he turns to you in faux pain. 

“That didn’t hurt,” you laugh, stepping up onto his doorstep. 

“Yeah, you’re right. It didn’t hurt as bad as you leaving me in the dust tonight. Broke my fuckin’ heart,” Jake pouts. And for some reason, his words shoot right through your heart.

“Jake, I am so sorry,” you cry, turning to him. “Really.”

He laughs and turns to you, pulling a few stray hairs from in front of your face. “I’m kidding. I was sad, though.” He steps closer to you, enveloping your senses as he closes the proximity between you. “I’ve watched you walk away from me too many times over the years.”

Another shot through the heart. You’re one step away from feeling like total shit. “I didn’t even know you… cared, Jake. About me, like that.”

He shrugs his shoulder as he continues fixing your hair. “Ah, s’alright. You’re here now…”

You take a step closer to him, feeling a warmth travel over you that you don’t dare force away. Your lips are within inches of his, and your hand slowly comes up to grab behind his neck, playing with his hair that’s still pulled back into a low knot. His breath hitches but he doesn’t pull away, instead he brushes his nose against yours, making you break out in a chill that overtakes your entire being. 

“Yeah, I’m here now.” You close the gap and press your lips to his, kissing him gently at first, just to test out his waters. You feel him holding his breath just a little as he pulls away, giving you a smile so genuine you feel as if you could melt into a puddle, right there on his doorstep. He places his hands on your hips, reconnecting the kiss in a more heated way now. His hands are gripping at your sides, and your hands are grabbing onto his jaw, kissing him fiercely as if doing so is the only right thing in the world. 

You think you’re floating. No, you’re positive you are. The way he feels with his hands on you, the way your whole body is tingling and rushing with emotions… Kissing your friend never turns out well, but then again, he was fingering you in an Uber only an hour ago…

Just as quickly as things had started, they end, as Jake pulls himself away from you in a rush of excitement and nerves. “Let’s go inside.” 

He pushes the door open and you step inside, feeling some strange sense of deja vu as you enter another man’s house this evening. You step out of your half-strapped heels, kicking them to the corner as you toss your purse onto his couch. Instantly, you feel his arms wrapped around your back, holding on to you with a sincerity that you’ve always felt with him, just never physically. His mouth is behind your ear, and his waist is already pressing into your ass. 

“I know you want to leave the dress on, but I don’t think you’ll want it getting wet,” he growls into your ear. 

“Wet?” you ask, your eyes fluttering closed from his use of the word wet. Why? Guess that’s just where your mind is going to live, tonight. 

“Yeah. We’re taking a shower,” he replies, breaking away from holding you. But before he lets go, he grabs your hand and spins you around, making you follow him up the stairs. 

A shower… holy shit…?!

Your brain short circuits as you realize that within the next minute, you’re going to completely expose yourself to Jake, your very good… friend. It’s okay. It’s okay!

The top floor of his home is carpeted, and the softness of it feels like heaven on your sore and tired feet. He pulls you behind him still, one of your hands locked with his, the other still lugging the clothes he’s supplied you with. He turns a left corner and introduces you to a large room, much larger than any bathroom you’d seen in the houses in town. 

He turns on a light and illuminates a rather clean place for a man, a giant bathtub, and a shower that is bigger than your walk-in closet. 

“Wow…” you exclaim, in awe of it all. 

“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t turn this down,” Jake laughs. “Right?”

“Most definitely not.” You feel a cold chill rush over you at just the thought of hot water pouring over your skin, and you have to rub your hands over your arms for friction and warmth. 

You look to Jake who is leaning with his back on the counter, eyeing you so sweetly you could almost die. He cocks his head sideways with a tiny smile, and you cursed yourself for never really giving him the time of day in any regard other than just friendly interactions. Why had it never hit you before?

There’s a long pause as the two of you watch each other, and the tension between you is so thick it’s almost palpable. He kicks his shoes off and pulls his shirt over his head, never taking his eyes from you. You haven’t seen him shirtless in a long time, and for some reason the visual of his unclothed body literally makes you salivate. You have no shame in raking your eyes over him as he cocks an eyebrow, moving over to turn the shower on. Water begins to stream from two copper showerheads, and steam begins to fill the space immediately. 

You pull the straps of your dress down, slowly inching the tight dress over your breasts, stomach, and hips… really making a show of removing what little clothing you have left on. Jake is eyeing you still as he roughly grabs his belt, ripping it from its buckle and pulling it from the loops. For the love of god, you could watch him do that over and over again…

He kicks his pants off as you finally slip free of your dress, reaching down to pick it up and hang it over the doorknob. You’re left in just your thong, feeling exposed as Jake stands before you in his dark gray boxers. He slowly walks to you, placing his warm hands on your waist as he kisses you again, slow and deep and sultry as you let his tongue explore just a little further than it had earlier. 

He begins backing you up to the shower, the steam now coating the mirrors and window of the room. “I’m really fucking hungry for you, Y/N, in case you haven’t noticed…” Jake says as he takes your hand, placing it directly on his dick. Fuck, you’re in for it. 

You take the liberty, and gently squeeze at it. “I’ve noticed.” 

His mouth reconnects with yours again, the action of hungry really coming in to play as his fingers are slipping into the hips of your thong, running around the hem to the front. “Take it off,” you order him, swirling your hips a little as he begins to pull the fabric from your waist. 

“Yes ma’am,” he grits. You do the same for him after you kick free of the last shred of fabric on your body, pulling his boxers down and off, all the way. 

Through the steam, you can finally see him and he can finally see you, completely naked and baring yourselves to one another in the most enticing way possible. And god, is he a sight to see. 

His hand comes up to cover his mouth in disbelief, and you can see him smiling behind his covertness. “You’re really, really gorgeous, Y/N.” His compliment sends butterflies through your belly, and you rush to him again, pushing him back and into the hot downpour of the shower. 

The water blinds you completely as you’re both standing beneath it, a mess of slipping hands and missed kisses, all inhibitions out the window as neither of you can see what you’re doing. His hands find your tits, gripping them both in his hands and squeezing them with just enough force to make your back arch. His fingers work at your nipples, giving him a straightshot to go ahead and connect his mouth. He sucks one particularly hard, letting his lips pop off it with a loud snap. 

“Fuck,” you breathe, finally wiping the water clear from your eyes. You’re met with a soaked Jake, grinning at you so deviously that you swear you could devour him, right then and there. He pulls you back a little again, pressing your back against the cold tile wall as he falls to his knees. 

He’s biting at the skin of your stomach and hips, leaving marks you’re sure will be there tomorrow. He’s absolutely ravenous, and you know exactly what he’s about to do. His hands grip your ass, pulling at the muscles to make you lean into him, exposing your cunt to his ready and waiting mouth. Your hands find his head, your fingers tangling in his hair already as you feel yourself dripping with anticipation. Everything is rough, and forced, and so, so deliciously exhilarating. 

He reaches behind himself and pulls his hair free from its knot, giving you so much more freedom to wrap it around your fingers. It’s like he knows you’re going to need something to hold on to. 

His brown eyes shoot up to you, silently asking for permission to go further, of which you respond with a harsh nod. In less than a second his face is buried in you, his tongue already lapping through your folds and licking at you so deliciously that your knees start to buckle. He catches you, though, as if he had anticipated it, holding you steadily against the wall. 

“God, baby,” you cry out, wiping away the water falling into his face and in his eyes. He feels absolutely incredible, like an otherworldly experience you had no idea you needed to feel. Pleasure is already wracking through you at an ungodly pace, until you feel his tongue swirling your clit, making you cry out again. Your head flies back as your hand covers your mouth, blocking any sound from escaping. 

Jake lifts your left leg, tossing it over his shoulder to give him better access. “Let me hear you baby,” he says, “we’re the only ones here.” Your cries are pitiful as he pulls at your ass again, burying himself even further. You’re sure he’s going to drown as the shower is pouring directly on him, giving him little room to inhale anything other than water. Your fingers wrap up in his strands as you feel your hips begin to grind onto his face, swirling themselves as he moves his tongue to enter you, wet and luscious as his nose hits directly on your clit. 

“Fuuuuuck!” you yell out again, unable to stop yourself from letting him know how good he’s doing. 

Everything is happening so fast and so fiercely that you’re already nearing the edge, but you want this to last as long as it possibly can. He hums on you as his nose pumps against your clit, and you know that even if you could clear the water falling into your eyes, you still wouldn’t be able to see straight. 

You feel your body beginning to tighten, the muscles in your stomach becoming rigid and tense as you feel the sweet release knocking on your front door. He notices this, and brings his finger up to take the place of his tongue. He slides it inside you, and the feeling is even better than you’d thought it’d be, given that he’d only given you an inch or so in the car, earlier. He starts pumping it with force, his speed only increasing as you are trying your best to breathe through ragged breaths. 

“That good baby?” he asks, breaking away for air. 

You nod, “So close…”

He flicks his finger up to the perfect hook, massaging your g-spot as his tongue still laps away, perfectly pointed on your oversensitive clit. You know that his fingers are only a preview of the real thing, and already you realize that if he is this good with just his hands, how is he going to be in bed?

“Oh god, baby… I–” You hunch over, your hands pulling his hair so hard you want to apologize, but he brings you to an orgasm so delicious you have to remind yourself where you are, and what you’re doing. His lips circle around your clit, pulling it into his mouth in quick motions while circling still with his tongue. The motion is new to you and you swear for a second you go deaf from the pleasure. 

“Mmhmm, mhmm,” he hums onto you, releasing his finger and letting his tongue take its place again, collecting up everything he can as you find your mind. 

After a few seconds he slowly stands up, wiping the drenched strands away from your face as he gives you an energetic smile. 

“Jake, that was…” you can hardly form a thought before he’s turning you around, reaching for a bottle of shampoo to wash your hair for you. You let him, knowing that your elation is too high to even argue with him. He massages your scalp before rinsing all the suds, then gives you a healthy dose of whatever conditioner he has sitting in the corner, massaging it into your strands again. 

For a minute, everything is… peaceful. 

“Why you taking such good care of me?” you finally ask, feeling his still-hard length brushing across your ass. 

“Because I want to. Any other questions?” 

You laugh through your nose, realizing that enough time has passed that you’re damn near getting turned on, all over again. You shake your head no. 

You switch off, washing and massaging Jake’s hair for him as no words at all are exchanged. Comfortable silence. 

After you’re all washed and a little pruny, you turn to him again, this time the both of you exchanging looks that aren’t laced with as much aggression, but more painted with looks of desire that make your stomach swirl with the perfect anxiety. 

“You ready to get out of here?” he asks, reaching for the shower handle to switch it off. 

The two of you step out and you reach for a towel, but his hand stops you. “Hmm-mm,” he says, gently grabbing your hips. His lips are instantly connected to your neck, whispering sweet little nothings in your ear as you feel him pushing you to walk again, right over to the countertop. He spins you backward, and you find yourself facing a steam-covered mirror. 

He reaches up and wipes it clean, and it's then that you see the reflection of the two of you, flushed and soaked and in pure and utter bliss… together. You take the initiative and lean over for him, stepping your legs apart as you eye him in the reflection. 

His eyes glaze over with a hunger again, and as you press your ass back on him, the ravenous attitude returns. He places one hand on your waist and the other disappears between you, and you finally feel the touch of his dick rolling through your folds, instantly making you dripping wet all over again. 

You watch as he grits his jaw, his cheeks puffing up with air as his eyes watch himself, deliciously entering you inch by inch. Goddamn, he’s a lot bigger than you had imagined… He presses himself all the way in, finally looking at you again in the mirror as he slowly pulls back out, his eyes rushing back between you so he can watch himself do it all over again. 

Just the thought of him wanting to watch himself fuck you turns you on exponentially.

The feeling of him inside you is earth-shattering, to say the least. Each thrust is better than the last, and he hasn’t even picked up any pace yet. “Fucking hell, Jake… Oh my god…” you say, your jaw falling open as you squint your eyes closed. He moves his hand to hold on to your shoulder, picking up a pace now that has your mind reeling with a blinding pleasure you’ve never even felt before. 

You arch your back for him, giving him a new angle to pound himself relentlessly into you, the sounds of your still-wet bodies smacking together echoing off the walls and making for an even more shrewd display. You watch him as he fucks you, powerful and gorgeous and sweet, making sure to catch your eye contact every few seconds to let you know he’s still there. It’s truly unreal, and you can hardly even catch your breath as you watch yourselves. 

“Fuck, Y/N, keep taking it, baby…” he finally speaks, his head falling back a little as he slows his pace, concentrating now on a different stroke. He snaps his hips upward, hitting you in a whole new place deep inside. It nearly chokes you, the pleasure unimaginable and overtaking your every thought. 

“It’s yours, Jake, it’s all–”

His hand grips in your hair, pulling your neck back in a tight jerk. The motion makes you feel used in the best way as he thrusts even more deeply now. Your hands are holding onto the sink for dear life as the water still in your hair drips down into your face. 

Suddenly, Jake pulls all the way out, spinning you around to face him. His mouth is connected to yours in a flash, and you kiss him back, digging your fingernails into his ass to show him how pissed you are that he stopped. The two of you whine into each other’s mouths, desperate as you feel him pick you up and begin walking to the door. You can’t see where he’s going, but you don’t even care. You’re burying your tongue into his mouth and biting at his lips, feeling like an insatiable rabid animal for him. 

You’re flying through the air backwards before you land on his mattress, bouncing a few times into the thick and plush down comforter that smells exactly like him. “Jake, we’re soaked, let me dry off, we’ll ruin your–”

“Do you think I give a goddamn about getting my sheets wet, Y/N?” he yelps, cutting you off from standing back up to get a towel. His hand is on your chest, gently urging you to fall back down into the messiness of his unmade bed. 

It’s the most comfortable thing you’ve ever laid on, and the blankets and sheets are like mountains around you, protecting you and holding you between them. You feel safe here, you feel good. 

“Say wet again,” you say, remembering how much you liked to hear him to say it. 

He crawls back over you, pulling a dark blanket behind him as he positions himself between your legs, covering the two of you up in a warmth you can’t explain. 

“Wet, wet… soaking fucking wet,” he sings as he pushes himself into you again, taking all the air from your lungs as you feel him enter you this way. You whine pathetically into his mouth, feeling so vulnerable and unguarded in his presence. Your hands fly above your head, letting his body weight fuck into you again. Every nerve ending in your body is on fire, zapping your every cell into a state of shock. You’ve never had sex like this before. What had you been missing out on with him, all this time?

There’s no light around you at all as the blanket is tucked into your sides, tightly wrapping you both up so you have no choice but to touch on nearly every surface of your bodies. You slide against one another, your hands coming down from above you to grab onto him, pull his hair, and grip his jaw for an overly-forceful kiss. 

The way his breathy grunts sound in your ear make you soak again and again, and you know he can feel it. “Is that all for me, baby?” he asks, and you nod, breathing heavily as the pleasure wracks through you over and over again. 

“All for you, all of it’s yours…” you breathe, wrapping your ankles around his back. “You feel so fucking good baby, god… please don’t stop…” you beg him, already feeling another impending orgasm on the horizon. 

Your mind is so far away from everything that has happened tonight, and from Danny, and from whatever other girl he has been with, all this time. You could care less about it all. The way Jake is making you feel right now, the way he has been making you feel all night interrupts everything else so easily that you don’t even know why you were worried in the first place. 

He’s perfect, this is perfect. 

You pull the blanket back to uncover your heads, and you can finally see his face in the dim light of his room, fucked-out and ethereal as he continues. Your hand reaches up to grip around his neck, your fingers pressing over his jugular as his mouth opens for just a split second. You watch as his eyes fill with that same darkness again, and you know for a fact he wants you to do it. “Harder,” he says, so you listen, choking him with a little more intensity as you feel his thrusts begin to falter. 

You feel like he can’t be deep enough, nothing will ever satiate you enough, when it comes to him. Your knees fall apart even further as your ankles uncross, and you stretch your legs up to hang over his shoulders, folding your body in half. “Oh my god babe,” he breathes, leaning all his bodyweight onto the backs of your legs. Your fingers still wrap around his throat, and you grab his hand, pulling his middle finger deeply into your mouth. You wrap your tongue around it, sucking and swirling as you hold him up through his thrusts, now deeper and rougher at this angle. 

You watch his eyebrows furrow together as he starts to lose his composure, his entire body beginning to tremble as you realize you’re right there with him. Your eyes meet with his as you watch him, so much more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. 

You pull his finger in as deeply as it will go as you start to chase your own high, your entire body quaking as your muscles experience your second orgasm of the night. 

“Yeah… yeah…fuck…” he exclaims, biting his own lips. 

Your mouth falls open to cry out, every inch of your body raving and shaking with unimaginable pleasure. He’s falling apart on top of you as he lets himself go, and you make a promise right then and there that you’d never settle for anything less than what Jake has given you, tonight. 

His body trembles with a few aftershocks, making him hum through the comedown. He pulls out, and you instantly wish he was back, lying on top of you in the coziness of his bed. He’s panting and out of breath as he runs his hands down the lengths of your legs, lovingly kissing the insides of them as he steps back from you and off of the bed. 

“I’ll get a washcloth,” he says, stepping sideways into the floor. 

“It’s ok, I’ll come with you,” knowing that you’d prefer to clean yourself up, and get a towel for your still-soaked hair. You hop up and walk past him, smacking him on the ass as you dash to the bathroom. 

After you’d both cleaned up, you follow him back into his bedroom, searching around for that pile of clothes that you were sure he’d grabbed again for you. You locate them easily, and slip the t-shirt and pants on. 

“What are you doing?” he asks from the bed, reclining with his arm behind his head. 

“Getting dressed,” you say. “I’ll get another Uber, they should still be out and abou–”

“Y/N, get your ass back in bed with me, don’t be insane,” Jake chortles as if you’d just suggested the most ridiculous thing ever. 

You roll your eyes, a little embarrassed now. “Jake, it’s fine, I can go home. I know it’d probably be weird of me to stay.”

He sits up, and you realize that he’s still completely naked under the covers. “Have things ever been weird between us?” he asks, his voice a little more serious than before. “In all the years we’ve been friends?”

You stand awkwardly there in his clothes, in the middle of his bedroom, considering his question. “No.” 

“Exactly,” he says as he lays back down. “Now strip down again, and get back over here with me. Unless you’d rather take the couch downstairs… Up to you, sweetcheeks.” 

Thereeeeee’s the old Jake. 

You huff a breath of annoyance. You know he’s right. “Ok, but only because you’re so bossy.” 

You pull the pants back down, but decide to leave his shirt on before climbing back under the unbelievably comfortable sheets and pillows. His arms pull you in toward him before you even have a chance to lay down all the way, and you instantly are brought right back into that safe, comfortable embrace that is him. 

“Yeah, actually, leave the shirt on. Looks good on you,” he says, placing a kiss to your temple. 

You laugh as you dig down in beside him, tossing your leg over his waist. “Thanks. Think I’ll steal it.”

He reaches down to hike your leg up higher, then pulls your palm up to his lips as he places a sweet kiss to it. 

“You’ve stolen more than the shirt, babe.”

<333

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[gretavanmoon]

VERGE OF OBSCENE

Jake x female reader, Danny x female reader

14k words

+ Reader is faced with making a decision that she didn't anticipate when she left the bar, one night. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, she refuses to end her night on a bad note.

+ Hello friends! Tomorrow is my birthday, so I decided to gift you all with a little sum sum Danny and Jake. This story spawned from an idea @moonlightisdancing so graciously shared with me, so hopefully I did it justice ;) Enjoyyyyy

Thankies to @gretavangroupie for the read thruuu

Warnings: 18+! Angst: Cursing, Drinking, Bar Scene, Erratic/Unsafe Driving, Lying, Slight Jealousy, Unclean Thoughts

Y/N being a little heaux / Asshole Danny (I'm sorry don't k!ll me)

Smut: Kissing, Heavy Flirting, Dirty Talk, Touching, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex, Fingering, Oral Sex (M! and F! Receiving)

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, huh?” Danny says into your ear, his breath hot and spiced with the scent of dark rum as it melts you into a puddle of nothing on the floor. His hands are placed lightly on your hips, holding you up steady as your group of friends begins making its way toward the exit of the crowded club.

“Mhmm,” you nod, your hair falling in front of your face as you fight the urge to arch your back into him. Your eyes have begun to blur on their own, the alcohol and the atmosphere seeping into your system in the most delicious way. Your body begs you to let him know that the feeling is mutual, but before you can, he pulls away, sliding his phone out of his pocket as he sips down the very last of his icy drink. 

“I’ll order an uber,” he says, crunching on a piece of ice as his eyes drift from your face all the way down to the black strapped heels you’d chosen tonight.

“Bitch, you’re drunk,” your best friend Jasmine giggles in your ear, taking the place of Danny as she grabs your hand in hers, still halfway dancing as she pulls you toward the doors. 

“I’m not, Jas,” you laugh, wishing that you hadn’t worn these high heels. “I mean I am, I’m just… I think I’m more exhausted than anything. I haven’t danced that much in years.” 

Her hand is reassuring in yours as she guides the two of you, her own unsteadiness on her feet making you laugh.  

“Yeah, exhausted from eye-fucking Jake all night,” she squeals.

“Jasmine!” you yell, your eyes wide as your stomach drops, hoping that none of the other members in your group heard her. You stop the two of you and yank her hand from yours, gritting your teeth as you scold her. “I was not eye-fucking Jake. And you know that.”

“Sure babe, keep telling yourself that,” she raises her eyebrows. “My vision might be blurry, but I’m not blind.”

It’s pretty widely known within your circle that you and Danny have something going on, that something being more of a situationship with no actual boundaries or titles or anything. The two of you usually ended up making out at the end of the night, a little touching and whatnot, but it has never gone further than that. Neither of you are in the market for anything serious, so you’ve taken to letting him be your go-to on those lonely late nights, sending him risqué photos of you in the mirror after a few glasses of wine. 

But Jake… Jake has been your good friend since college. The guy that was always there to accompany you to social events, pick you up from parties, and cram last minute for exams with you. He’d always been that guy you could call on for anything and everything, the one you felt completely comfortable with in any situation.

“Just admit it, dummy,” Jasmine belts as you near the crowded exit doors, her arm in yours. 

“There’s nothing to admit,” you whisper. “I mean…look at him, he looks completely fuckable tonight, so I took a few glances. Sue me.” You roll your eyes at her as you watch her gaze covertly float back to Jake, standing amongst the rest of your group. 

“God, you’re right. He’s been looking exceptionally delicious lately, hasn’t he?” she purrs. 

“Mmmhm…” you agree, making sure not to look at him. 

It’s true, though Jake has always been good looking, lately there has been something special about him, something magnified in his persona, something devious in his aura. He’s changed up his attire a little, now donning sleek suit jackets and silver jewelry on his wrists and neck, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t prefer the way he’s been slicking his hair back into a tight knot at his neck. Over the past few months he’s become a lot more sophisticated and sure of himself, a complete 180 from the silly guy you never thought twice about. 

Lately he has seemed so much more confident in himself, and it literally drips from him. He’s sexy in his own way, that’s for damn sure, but these past few months you’ve caught yourself looking at him for longer than a few seconds, staring at his hands as he did literally anything, and finding yourself swept up in the way his lips danced across his teeth. And if it weren’t for Danny occupying most of your thoughts lately, you may actually picture Jake in those dirty daydreams, instead of him. 

As conversation takes a pause you do sneak a glance at Jake, his elbow leaned against the bar with the other tucked away in his pocket. He’s eyeing you hard, and he doesn’t make any attempt to look away when you catch him. Fuck, he looks so goddamned good tonight. But why isn’t he looking away?

You feel your stomach muscles tense just from the way his hooded eyes are staring you down, confident and obvious as he chews on the tiny black straw that once stirred his whiskey rocks. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s fine… he’s so fine. Jake. Friend Jake. Friend Jake?

“What I wouldn’t give to experience a good old fashioned romp with him, though,” Jasmine says, breaking the stare-down you and Jake had caught yourselves in. 

“Huh?” you say. “Danny?”

“Yes bitch. His long arms, his big hands… mmh. You lucky, lucky dog, being his sneaky link,” Jasmine goes on. 

“Jas, we haven’t even slept together, yet,” you admit quietly. 

She looks at you in disbelief. “Are you serious?! Why?”

You shrug. “Just.. hasn’t happened yet, I guess.”

“It’s going to though, right?” she asks, and you know she just wants to live vicariously. 

You look back at her, knowing that yes, it most likely will, but you’re also not here for rushing it with him. Why? You’re not sure…

“Uber will be here in ten,” Danny announces as he comes up behind you, his hand resting on your lower back as he takes another bite of the melted ice still floating in the rum in his glass. He leans down, his voice icy and heavy in your ear. “Let’s go to the bathroom,” he slurs. “Just for a minute. Wanna see what you’ve got on underneath your…”

You smile and bring your tongue to your top lip, knowing that sexually, things have been brewing between the two of you for some time now. Though he’s never outwardly asked you if you wanted to hook up for real, you know that given the way things are going, it’s bound to happen at some point.  

“The bathroom?” you reiterate, turning your attention to him and wrapping your arms around his neck. God, he smells good. You crane up to whisper in his ear. “Why don’t you just get out of the Uber at my place?” 

Danny hisses through his teeth at your proposition, rolling his head back on his neck. Finally he looks back down at you, biting his lip. “You really want me to?”

You consider it for a second, knowing that he is pretty damn intoxicated, and if anything, you might get a shower and some other extracurriculars out of him before he inevitably passes out long-ways on your bed. “Yeah, why not? Or your place, whatever.” You figured you’d give him options. 

His hands are traveling covertly across your ass as he tries not to make a big scene of the PDA, and for a split second, you hope that Jake can see it. “We can go to my place, my roommate is out of town…?” he perks his eyebrows. 

“Even better,” you reply with a cheeky grin. 

“Perfect…” he growls, looking over you more intensely than he ever really has. 

“Hey, come with me, I gotta pee,” Jasmine says, pulling on your arm. 

“Hurry up, the Uber is almost here,” Danny says as the two of you walk toward the bathrooms, Danny’s hand holding onto yours until the very last second. 

The bathroom is packed and loud with people touching up their makeup and waiting in line for a free stall. “I’ll hurry,” Jasmine says, hopping into an open one.

You don’t have to go, so you sulk away in a corner, deciding to check your phone for the first time in an hour or so. Your eyes adjust to the bright screen and you flip through a few instagram notifications and emails, not really seeing anything too important. Until– a text. 

A text from… Jake?

Your thumb hovers over the notification for a few seconds before you slide it open, expecting to see a funny meme or dumb article he’s shared, like always. But instead what you see sends a rush of nerves through your body strong enough to steal the breath from your lungs. 

Jake

1:12am: Stay with me tonight.

You nearly drop your phone as you look away from it, your eyes suddenly fixated on the floor. You can hear your heart beating in your ears, and a cold sweat breaks out across your palms. What? This is a joke, he’s joking. 

That’s why he was watching you so intently, he wanted you to look at your phone…

“Hey, you okay? You gonna throw up?” you hear and feel Jasmine enter your bubble, all the sound suddenly returning to your ears. “Your face is turning green… come on… let’s get to the toilet–” 

“No, no I’m fine, I…” You’re speechless as you turn your phone screen around to her, showing her the text. Her eyes read the words, and then grow so big that you think they might pop right from her skull. 

“JAKE? Jake, our Jake? Texted you this??” she yells, grabbing the phone from your hand as she does a quick few paces. 

“Yeah.. what…?” You don’t even know what to say, or how to react. “He has to be joking, right?”

“Text him back! Answer him! Oh my god,” she rambles, handing you your phone back. 

“What do I say?!”

“I dunno, just– anything!” she squeals, quickly rinsing her hands off in the sink. 

You type up a few different responses before landing on one, nice and simple. 

You

1:14am: Did you mean to text me? Lol

A bubble pops up almost immediately, and you feel like you could quite literally explode. 

Jake

1:14am: I most definitely did. Stay with me.

“Fuck, Jasmine, oh my god, I am not cut out for this…” you start to panic, shaking your hands. 

“Yes you are, bitch! Get your shit together, ok? He saw you looking at him, he knows you want him, jump. On. That. Shit,” she grabs your shoulders and shakes them.

“Hello, Danny? You expect me to just forget about him?!” you argue. 

She clicks her tongue. “Is it really going anywhere with him, though? Jake just asked you to come home with him, he couldn’t be more forward than that. And you said you and Danny are just having fun, right? Messing around?” 

“He just asked me to come stay with him, too. Tonight,” you admit, leaning your back against the wall in defeat. “There is no way this is happening, I need another drink.”

“No, you need to figure out who the fuck you want,” she says, pulling you from the bathroom into the sitting area outside of it. “Danny is fine as fuck, you guys have been having fun together, right? Yeah yeah whatever… and Jake. Our goofball friend suddenly turned… Christian Grey level sexy? And he wants you?! You need to decide, and quick,” she says, turning to look toward the exit again. 

“You’re just saying that because you want Daniel all to yourself,” you joke, trying to take the heat off the situation. 

“No no no no, that’s not… ok well that’s not untrue,” Jasmine says, crossing her arms. “If the opportunity presented itself, I would not turn him down,” she laughs, sticking her tongue out. 

“Hey, Uber is here!” you hear Danny yell from across the bar, motioning with his arm to come on. 

You feel a nervousness you’ve never felt creeping into your bones. “Maybe I should just get another ride and forget the whole thing, say I’m not feeling well and go home,” you suggest. 

“That’s up to you, babe. You’re your own woman. I’ll go with you, if you want…” Jasmine says, laying her hand on your shoulder. 

You glance back over to the group and see Danny standing holding the door open, and Jake a few feet behind him, watching you all the same. What in the actual midday soap opera is happening right now…

Your feet carry you toward the door on their own when you see Danny’s rushing expression and Jake’s intense one… both of these men want the exact same thing tonight. Great.

You’re on autopilot as you watch everyone begin drunkenly piling into the backseat, stumbling and laughing. First Danny’s two friends, then Jasmine, then Danny, then Jake. You’re left standing outside when you realize there isn’t enough room. Yes…

“Oh, shit. I’ll just call another ride, it’s no big deal–”

“No come on, we’ll make room,” Jake mutters as he looks at you with a smirk. 

“No, seriously, it’s fine. I’ll grab the next one,” you say, but you’re stopped short when you see Jake’s hand being held out for you. He wiggles his fingers to tell you to come on, and his slow-blink tells you he means it.

“Babe, c’mon,” Danny says, leaning over Jake. 

You swallow hard, taking a quick breath before grabbing onto Jake’s hand, and stepping up into the packed vehicle. As soon as you close the door behind you, the car takes off, making you lose your balance and fall straight into Jake’s lap. 

Oh shit fuck.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” you panic, trying to stand back up and adjust into another seat. Jake’s hands are on your waist as you stumble around the extremely crowded car, and you hear him mumble a soft and sweet “s’okay”.

Even in the dark, you can see that there is most definitely not enough room to take a seat of your own. The driver is driving erratically, taking fast and sharp turns and having absolutely no regard for his passengers, and it’s taking everything in you to hold on to the back of his headrest and the handle above you to keep from falling into the floor. 

You start to panic as the man speeds down the streets and takes a particularly sharp turn, forcing you against your will right into Jake’s lap again. Fuuuuuuck. There’s nothing you can do about it. 

You finally give up and let your body weight fall onto him, his hands instinctively holding you steady so you don’t slide sideways again. Everyone is loud and laughing drunkenly, in their own worlds and conversations as the car travels down the road. 

“You’re alright, you can sit all the way down,” Jake laughs, patting his knee. For some reason, Jake suddenly feels like a stranger. A person you have never met before, not one of your very good friends. You feel anxious in his presence, and your mouth goes dry when you hear him mutter again, “It’s just me…”

Danny is caught up in his own thing, hardly paying either of you any mind at all as he’s belting the words to whatever old Nelly song is blasting through the car speakers. You take a deep breath, and relax all the way down onto Jake’s waiting lap. 

“I’m sorry,” you apologize to him, rolling your eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” he says lowly, still smiling. You feel yourself go straight as a board, nervous to make a move at all as you realize the position you’re in. His hands are still respectfully balanced on your waist, and your hands are still gripping hard on the handles. 

The drive is nearly ten minutes, and even with the way the man is navigating, the traffic still holds up progress, making the drive even longer. You begin to sweat thinking about how you’re going to survive this, what you’re going to do when the time comes to get out. You glance back over at Jasmine who is making the most outrageous face at you, clenching her teeth and smiling from ear to ear. 

“You alright? You seem tense,” Jake brings his mouth close to your ear so that you can hear him over the blasting music. 

Tense. Tense? Is he joking?! You’re worse than tense, you’re about to jump out of your fucking skin, actually! 

“Yeah, I’m–” Another quick whip of the vehicle and a harsh stop makes you lurch forward and fly back again, your shoulder pressing into Jake’s chest. The smell of his cologne takes your breath even more intensely than the whiplash does, and his hand reaches up quickly to catch you from moving any further. “Fuck, dude! Drive often?!” you say, making everyone in the car laugh, but the driver pays you no mind. 

“He’s not getting a tip, is he?” Jake laughs sarcastically. You feel the tips of his fingers tap your thigh, signalling you to sit up a little. 

“Stand up a sec,” he orders and you do, and he lurches his groin forward, pressing himself into you. You have no idea what he’s doing as you feel his upper thighs press into your ass, and you know that your eyes have grown ten times their size. His left hand is still gripping your waist, almost holding onto you for leverage. Fuck, what is this… What is he doing? And why is it so hot?

Just as quickly as it happened it ended, and you catch sight of his right hand exiting his side. “Sorry, had to get in my pocket,” he says. “Here, one for you, one for me.” He plops back down into his seat, and you have to admit, the loss of the feeling of him damn near pressing his dick into you makes you shudder a bit. It felt…

He holds his hand out and presents you with two airplane bottles of some type of clear liquor. Once you see what he needed to get in his pocket for, you look back at him, his facial expression painted a mix of red and green as you pass underneath the crowded streets and stop lights. He raises his eyebrows, and urges you to take one. 

“Here,” he says, “thought it could help with your tenseness.”

You swallow as your eyes fall to his hand, and you realize that he isn’t wrong. Yeah, you definitely need another drink for what has turned into a shitshow of a night. “Thanks,” you offer, taking one of the bottles from his hand. 

You quickly open the lid and smell the contents, recognizing it right off the bat as tequila. Perfect. Jake does the same, but before he presses it to his lips, he presses the edge of his bottle to yours. 

“Cheers, Y/N. To a night of revelry.” His eyes are boring into yours as his tongue licks across his lips, and a tiny smirk comes across his face. 

“To revelry…” you repeat, and Jake is wrapping his arm with yours, tilting his bottle back to drain its contents. You prepare yourself for the sting of the liquor and take the shot, needing it now more than ever to numb your racing and confused thoughts. 

Your arms uncross and you replace the lids on the bottles after you’ve both swallowed it all down, and you’re thankful that Jake had paid special attention to what you needed in the moment, while Danny still sits completely unknowing directly beside you. 

Jake rips the empty bottle from your hand and sticks the two of them in the front pocket of his jacket, his hands going right back to supporting you still in your awkward position on his lap. You hate to admit it, but the alcohol has almost instantly calmed you a little, while it simultaneously is making you feel just a touch more daring. Jake looks like a fucking model tonight, and you’re relaxing comfortably on his lap. After he asked you to come home with him. What more could you even ask for?

In an act of courage, you decide to wrap your arm around his neck, balancing your elbow on the back of his seat. It brings you significantly closer into his realm, and you hear him take in a sharp breath at your new proximity. “Sorry, couldn’t sit like that any longer,” you say, your chin nearly resting on his shoulder. 

“No worries, love,” he replies, readjusting his hand on your waist to fall a little lower than it was. Your heart is beating from your chest, and you swear you can feel the blood pumping through your veins. Why? It’s just Jake… just your friend. You’ve hugged him a million times before. Why does it suddenly feel so… different?

And all of a sudden, the car jerks you sideways again, redirecting your ass to sit directly on top of… him. Perfectly. Fuck. If there weren’t clothes to block the connection, the two of you would find yourselves in the most perfect position for some insane obscenity, right now. And you feel a surge of desire flood you, while simultaneously feeling Jake jerk in his pants below you. God damn, he feels fucking…

He takes a deep breath and exhales it through his mouth, his air blowing across your hair and lips a little bit as he reacts to the new position. He’s just as flustered as you are. For a split second, his hand wrapped around your waist tightens, squeezing at your side before he lets it drift down just a little to your thigh. Fuckkkkk. Your eyes nearly roll back as you feel his dick jerk between your legs again, in the most perfect position. You’re thankful for the darkness of the lower half of the car, concealing everything that has happened in the past few seconds in shrouded shadow. 

Danny still sits oblivious, deep in pointless conversation with his friend beside him. He could give a damn less, and you’re almost positive he doesn’t even remember that the two of you have made plans, tonight. 

Meanwhile, Jake’s breath is picking up as you see the slight rise and fall of his chest behind his partially unbuttoned shirt, also a new staple in his changing wardrobe that had you going fucking nuts the first time you saw him in it. Your face is still close to him as you continue leaning sideways on his seat, and you realize just how close your lips are to his ear. He’s trying his best to seem nonchalant, but still is being very intentional with the movements of his hand, still concealed in the darkness. 

It slowly travels up your leg to your upper thigh, gentle but forceful all at the same time. Your head starts to spin, he’s touching you. He’s touching you like that. You blow out a huff of air into his ear, making his jaw clench. His hand squeezes at your muscle, his fingers dangerously close to being up underneath the hem of your tight dress. 

He turns his head to face you, almost within inches. “That dress looks really good on you tonight,” he mutters, his eyes flicking from the windshield back to you. You can feel the heat from his breath on your lips, complimenting you in the sweetest most flirtatious tone. 

“You think so?” you ask, your breath hitching as you feel him hardening below you. 

“Mmmhm,” he growls, your faces within centimeters, now. “It really accentuates your body. Shows you off…” His eyes drift to your tits for just a second too long, as his tongue juts out and licks his lips. “But I think my favorite part is this… right here…” His hand that is squeezing between your legs moves to curl a finger up underneath the tight hem that is stretched across your thighs, way too high now that you haven’t yet been in a position to pull it back down. His finger runs along the seam around the side of your leg to the back, and his hand wastes no time in completely gripping your ass.

…You might fall the fuck apart. 

You squeak out a sound that you can’t control as his hand squeezes and kneads at your partially-covered ass cheek, and his motions make your body react completely on its own. You sit down harder on his dick, grinding your hips onto him for just enough time to get a little friction where you need it. You should be embarrassed, but you’re not. Thanks, tequila.

“Your– your favorite part, huh?” you manage, your lips drifting across the baby hairs sticking free from his ponytail. He still stares directly out the windshield, like nothing is happening at all. 

“That’s right,” he says, his fingers beginning to get a little more adventurous as you feel them nearing your heat, from behind. He’s squeezing the muscle even more tightly now that you haven’t stopped him. You’re completely flushed… dizzy and wanting as he’s sitting cool as ever below you. It sort of pisses you off, how you know for a fact that your body language is anything but relaxed, while his hand is buried between your legs. He displays hardly any outward look, at all. The perfect facade. 

Just to get a rise out of him, you sit down on him with a little more force, swirling your hips as you grind in your search for friction. The action takes him by surprise as he grunts out a breath that sounds a bit desperate, exactly what you wanted from him. 

He tries to cover it up with a cough. 

“Jake man, you alright?” Danny turns from his other conversation to ask. Danny’s eyes flick to the two of you in this position and you quickly clean it up, leaning up a little and acting as though Jake’s fingers aren’t dancing around your opening. 

“Yeah man, all good,” Jake replies through a strained breath. 

"Take a breath, dude," Danny says as he smacks Jake's knee.

The way everyone is crammed in the seats has Danny’s back to you, anyway, so he has to strain to turn around backward and look for you. You’re not sure if it’s a gift from the heavens that he can’t see you very well, or an opportunity for the ages that Jake saw, and took full advantage of. Just then, Danny’s hand reaches back behind him, gripping onto your knee that’s closest to him. His hand starts to travel a little, all the while Jake’s fingers still exactly where he left them. 

Oh fucking hell… no.

Danny’s hand moves again, down the length of your shin and back up again, rough and hot as he feels you up in the darkness. He never turns his head around, but his hand continues to sneak higher and higher, so much to the point that his fingers are dusting the inside of your opposite thigh. It’s then that you’re positive he’s completely unaware of what you and Jake are doing just inches away from his hand. 

Danny firmly grips the muscle of your leg, switching between squeezing onto it and lightly trailing his fingertips over your already goosebump-covered skin. You wish you could see Jasmine, you wish you could telepathically tell her what is happening, that both of their hands are secretly on you, fighting for all of your attention. And neither of them have any idea the other is there, and neither have any intention of stopping. 

You try to breathe and calm yourself, trying to ignore the fact that both men have their hands on you in their own stealthy and secret ways. It's jarring, but it also mind-fucks you a little, your thoughts streaming with filthy and unadulterated thoughts of... No. Don't even go there, Y/N. Absolutely not...

“I meant what I said tonight, in the text,” Jake’s graveled voice is suddenly brushing against your ear. His fingers are still slowly working you into an oblivion, down a long road you’re not sure you’ll ever return from. You feel him press a little harder, inching closer and closer to your thong- the only barrier between his hands and you. You sit down on him even harder, the mixture of his fingers teasing you so deliciously and Danny’s hand massaging you… it’s a cocktail that you can’t deny, a mixture of deathly decisions and filthy visuals that you can’t help but become victim to. And you’re fucking loving it. 

“Did you?” you manage, your mouth still close to his ear. You're nearly intoxicated by the smell of his cologne.

“I did… and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the way your body is reacting right now, you just might tell me you will,” he goes on, making your head spin again. “Am I right?”

Your eyes flutter closed as you swallow again, arguing with what’s right and wrong as Danny’s hand reminds you that technically, he had you first. You told him you’d stay with him, tonight is supposed to be the night…

Jake’s fingers move a little closer, pulling your thong to the side as he slowly creeps even deeper, his movements so calculated and drawn out that you have to bite down on your own tongue to keep from crying out. Both of their hands are driving you to insanity, and you can’t even say a damned word without revealing what the other one is doing. 

You’re in a delicious purgatory, and you’d sit in this car for all of eternity if it meant you could keep feeling like this. 

The way that you're currently the keeper of both of their secrets, letting them do what they want to you, in complete confidence. Every few seconds you're reminded that the other one is there, when one of their hands would steal all of your attention away from the other. Your mind is being pulled in two directions, your consciousness traveling from left to right as they both unknowingly battle for your attention.

Just then Jake’s fingers find your clit, pressing harshly into it with tiny circles as you realize now that you’re fighting for your life. Your forehead leans onto his temple, all the breath escaping your lungs as he starts to build you up. “Oh my god,” you whisper in his ear through grit teeth. Your voice is desperate and pitiful as you fight swirling your hips on his hand, pleading with yourself to ignore the way he feels, and the way Danny’s hand is relentlessly kneading into your other leg. 

“That feel good, baby?” Jake whispers below the roar of the music still filling the car. “That what you wanted me to do?”

You nod quickly, knowing that your decisions tonight will be ones that you try and forget about tomorrow, but the situation is too damn delicious to ignore, right now. “Yeah,” you whisper, nipping your teeth onto his ear. You feel his hips buck up, his dick hard as a rock beneath you. 

“Tell me about it, tell me how it feels…” he whispers to you again, his fingers still working you to a point of no return. 

Danny’s hand is still stretched as far as it can in the position he’s in, and you can tell that the way he is moving, his mind is coming back to him, and he’s preparing you for what is going to happen when the two of you get out of the car. 

“Feels so fucking good…” you murmur, little whines falling from your lips as he lets his thumb tease at your entrance. “Don’t want you to stop, but…”

“But what, baby?”

You swallow, opening your eyes a bit as his thumb still teases. “I–You know I’m… going home with Danny…” The words feel like poison in your mouth, and you hate to admit it, even though it’s the complete truth. 

But Jake knows your situation with Danny. He’s not unaware of any of it, at all. 

“Hm,” Jake grumbles. “Is that still a thing?”

“Kind of, yeah… I mean…” you breathe, and Jake hasn’t slowed down his movements, at all. Each pointed touch of his finger on your clit is driving you to madness, and you’re surprised at your ability to even keep a little bit of a level head in your conversation. 

“Interesting. Every time I looked at you tonight, your eyes were already on me, watching me like a hawk. I could have sworn those were fuck-me eyes, Y/N…” 

He presses his thumb inside you a little, making you gasp a loud breath. The way your name sounded coming from his perfectly pouted lips… It sounds so different than it normally does. So much more strained, so desperate. He pulls his thumb back out, concentrating again on your clit. 

“Who even are you, Jake? You’re like an entirely different person, all the sudden,” you admit through quiet choked breaths. You don’t know where that question came from, though you’ve been so curious about it for the past few weeks.

You catch his eyes darting around as he searches for an answer. He shrugs his shoulders. “Just have come into my own lately, grew up a bit. I dunno… why, is it a bad thing?” 

“No! No, it’s… you’re the same you, just…” 

“Now I have the confidence to do what I’ve always wanted to do to you, in the back of a car, secretly…” he mutters, clicking his tongue a little as he adds a little pressure to your clit. You can tell you’re absolutely soaking his hand, but you feel no shame in it. You hope to god Danny can’t feel your legs shaking and vibrating with pleasure… either that, or you hope that he thinks he’s the one causing it. 

“You have? Why didn’t you ever…” you ask him, wondering why he’d never made an advance before. Or, had you been just too blind to see it?

Jake takes a breath. “I dunno, just never thought you’d be into me like that.”

“First stop!” the driver calls out, putting the car in a harsh park. You lurch forward and back again, your mind coming back to you a little bit. 

Jake and Danny both quickly remove their hands from you as the cab lights in the car come on, and Danny’s two friends jump out. The loss of their touch is devastating, and you wonder what in the actual fuck you’re going to do when you eventually make it to Danny’s place. You take a second to glance back at Jasmine in the backseat, and immediately she can tell that something is going on. 

You have only a second to communicate wordlessly to her before the doors are closing, and the car is taking off again. Now, the freed up space allows for you to have your own seat. 

“Here babe, you can scoot over here, now,” Danny says, patting the seat between him and Jake. “Your legs fall asleep, Jake? Damn, we were really smashed in here.”

“You could say that…” Jake grumbles, taking one last opportunity to squeeze your ass as you climb off of him, the disconnect instantly making you fill with a frustrated rage. 

You cross your arms as you find yourself sat between them now, pissed off and left feeling more edged than anything. Danny’s arm wraps around your shoulders and pulls you toward him. “Can’t wait to get that dress off you… I’m over here going fucking crazy…” he says into your ear. 

You can’t help the expression that falls across your face. Fuck… if he only knew the situation you’re currently in… he’s going crazy?! He hardly paid you any mind at all for the past ten minutes you’ve been in here… his hand was the only contact he made, and you know his touching you was solely out of drunken opportunity. 

Jake, on the other hand… quite literally…

You don’t give him a straight answer as the car pulls down Danny’s street, and your mind begins to race with crazed thoughts. Your stomach churns with nerves, and you almost wish you hadn’t taken that last shot of tequila. You feel like you’re being pulled two ways- wanting to go home with Danny after dancing around the act for weeks now, and leaving yourself to stay with Jake to finish what the two of you have started. 

You know it’s wrong to even consider Jake, but something about him lately, and tonight, has made him like a forbidden fruit that you can’t help but crave. And after learning that apparently he’s wanted you all along…

The car begins to slow down in front of Danny’s building, and the nerves are so bad you feel like you could throw up. Danny slings the door open and steps out, turning to take your hand. 

The invisible string… one end of you tied to Danny and the agreement you’d already made, and one end tied to the man beside you, his aura magnetizing you to stay with him… don’t get out of the car…

Your hand moves on its own, clasping itself around Danny’s as your body pulls itself from the vehicle, slow and blurry as your foot hits the concrete. Danny offers you a sweet, buzzed smile as he helps you to get your footing on the sidewalk. “You ready, gorgeous?” he asks, and your head nods, really unknowing if you are ready, or not. 

Danny closes the door behind you and you turn to look at Jake, his jaw clenched tightly with his hand in front of it, his eyes glaring and low as the car pulls off to the next stop. 

Well, fuck.

Danny pulls you through the front doors of his building and up the stairs to his apartment door. Your mind is still racing and your legs are still like jello from the performance that Jake had given you just minutes ago. You can tell that Danny is still feeling his liquor, stumbling just a little as he meanders through his dark apartment with you in tow. You had only been here once before, so you know your way around just a little bit. It’s a studio apartment, so you plop down on his bed, pulling your arms into yourself as he turns the kitchen light on. 

“Gonna grab a water, you wann’one?” he stammers, his eyes hardly focused. 

“Yeah, please,” you say, pulling your phone from your purse to see a string of notifications from Jasmine. 

Jas

1:31am: BITCH WHAT THE FCUK WERE YOU TWO DOOIGN UP THERE

1:31am: i saw you whispering to him

1:31am: what did he say what did you say

1:34am: ANSER MEEEE

1:34am: he was so sad looking when u went with danny i cant believe uuuu. Anyway have fun i guess

“Here ya go,” Danny says as he hands you a cold water bottle. He’s already chugged half of his, and he lies down beside you, pressing the cold bottle to his forehead. 

“Thanks,” you say, taking a few sips off the top. “You have too much?”

He sits up, tossing the bottle to the side before wrapping his arm around you and pressing you down into the bed. “No no, I’m good. Just kinda… well, maybe a lil’. But I still want to uphold our plans, yeah?” His face is buried in your hair, and you can feel his mouth starting to lay wet kisses up and down your neck. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, the feeling of his mouth on you overtaking your mind already. Danny has always felt exceptionally good, able to turn you on within seconds. His hand is traveling over your body, over your stomach and legs and thighs as he delves into the sensitive skin of your neck, on the verge of leaving marks, if he wasn’t careful. Your eyes roll back as he moans in your ear, pressing himself up against you. 

“Now, about this dress..” he says, pulling your straps down. You help him free your arms as your tits pop free, your nipples already perking up just from the contact he’d made. “Fuckin’ beautiful…” he says, leaning up on his elbow to reach down and hitch your leg over his waist. He takes your nipple into his mouth and begins swirling his tongue around it while his hand massages and kneads the other. 

Your body begins shuddering from the feeling of it all, and the presence of his hardening dick pressing between your legs doesn’t help matters. Finally he connects his lips to yours, hot and messy as the kiss is deepened second by second. His hands are cupping your tits, and you can’t help but grind into him. Fuck… yeah, he feels good, but, is this going to go as planned? No matter how hard you tried, you can’t get the visual of Jake’s face as the car door shut from hanging in the back of your mind. 

You switch gears to try and flush the thought of Jake from your mind, pulling Danny to his back and straddling his waist. You immediately lean down and pull at the hem of his shirt, ripping it over his head. God, his physique is un-fucking-real… You can’t help but to want to kiss it, to lick every inch of him. Your mind is completely reeling with a wild hormonal draw to him, while thinking about Jake’s hand between your legs, while you’re undoing Danny’s belt, thinking about how Jake’s breath felt on your lips. 

For the love of god, get it together, Y/N. 

“So sexy, baby…” Danny stutters as you begin making your way down his body, nipping at his pecs and sides as you descend down him, your body pulling you there on its own. His hand is tangled up in your hair as you begin teasing at his dick through his boxers, breathing hot air and humming your lips against him. You can feel your mouth starting to water just thinking about how he is going to taste on your tongue. This wasn’t the first time you’d done this for Danny, of course, but the foreplay has to start somewhere, right?

Danny bucks his hips into your mouth as your tongue glides over the tip, the indirect touch driving him absolutely wild. “Need your mouth, baby.. Need it– ahhh… so bad…”

His words urge you on to get your head on straight, pulling down at his boxers to expose him. His dick springs free and you immediately connect your lips to it, flicking the tip of your tongue. You feel the saliva begin to pool in your mouth as his stomach tightens in. “Fuck, yes, baby…” he says, his hand tightening in your hair again. You open your throat as best you can, taking him all the way down in one go. The sounds that leave him make you feel a fierce desire for him again as you begin bobbing up and down, using your hand for help. 

Your tongue swirls and flattens as you watch his free hand grip onto the sheets. You sit up and pull his boxers and jeans all the way off, giving yourself a little more space to work. You dig your nails into the skin between his thighs, making him hiss an inhale. “Too much?” you ask.

“No, perfect… Keep going…” he breathes, sitting up for just a second to watch you. You work at him for what feels like ten minutes or so, just watching him get to the edge before he falls right back off again. You try different techniques and tricks, but you realize fairly quickly that your jaw is beginning to tighten and feel sore. You bring your hand to the base of his dick again, pumping it along with your mouth. “Fuck, fuck… baby…” he grunts again, and you can taste the precum finally dripping into your mouth. 

“Taste so good, Danny…” you breathe when you find a free second. You’re trying to get him there, pulling out all the shots you can think of to get him to tip over the edge. His hand tightens in your hair again, and you feel yourself feeling touch-starved, especially since you were so worked up earlier. You slip your hand between your legs and move your thong to the side, quickly finding the place that Jake’s fingers had just inhabited not long ago. 

Jake… 

His fingers… they were just… there. 

Maybe if you picture it’s him touching you again instead of yourself…

You close your eyes and envision it, letting yourself moan a little hum onto the tip of Danny’s cock. 

“Oh fuck, do that again,” he cries, his head falling back onto the headboard. You do as he asks, all the while still picturing the feeling of Jake’s hand bringing you right back to the brink. Fuck, this feels so wrong. And so, so fucking right. 

Suddenly Danny’s hand leaves your hair and grips onto the sheets again, the veins in his hands popping out as you watch him claw his way to the peak, his stomach caving in over and over as you work him harder. 

“Mhmm…” you hum onto him again, realizing that is what he needed to get over his awful case of whiskey dick. You finally manage to get him there, watching as his face falls into a clenched expression as he fills up your mouth completely. You swallow it down and do your best to clean him up while he catches his breath on the come-down. 

“Jesus you are so fucking hot,” he says once you’re all done. He hooks his arm up underneath your arm pit, pulling you to lay beside him. “That was… excellent.” 

“Thank you,” you giggle, your clit still pouding with stimulation. The two of you lay there for a few minutes as he enjoys his euphoria. 

“Gimmie just a minute, I’ll pay you back, baby,” he says softly as his eyes begin to close. 

You nod as you glance up to him, your body on fire with want and need for reciprocation so intense that you can hardly stand it. His eyes are all the way closed and he’s completely relaxed back, and it’s then that you realize exactly what you had suspected would happen- he’s going to fully pass out on you. 

‘Fucking kidding me,’ you think to yourself. ‘Is he serious?’

You should have known better, given how hard it was to get him to cum from a fifteen-minute long blowjob. A good one, at that. 

Two minutes later, he’s snoring. Goddamnit. 

And suddenly, you’re pissed. Pissed at it all. You know its just the rage from not getting anything out of this fucking deal tonight, and feeling rejected and forgotten after Danny got his. You have half a mind to sneak into his bathroom and finish things off yourself, but just as you’re about to grind your knuckles into Danny’s chest to wake him up, he rolls over, tucking his hands up underneath his pillow as his breathing completely evens out. Yeah, he’s out for good. Your heartbeat is flying off the handle from the bitterness you feel mixed in with how fucking turned on you are. 

Fuck this night. 

You gently lean down and pick up your phone that is still sitting on the bottom of the bed, the bright light hurting your eyes as the screen comes to life. You decide to answer Jasmine’s texts, even though you know she is probably already asleep. 

You

2:13am: 🍆❌🥃👎😴

Your finger flips back over to the text from Jake, and you shudder at how harshly you left him on read… through text and in the car. You feel absolutely terrible. In all honesty, you should have stayed back with him tonight. Things could have ended up so differently. You halfway curse yourself for being such a brat about it all, because really, Danny didn’t do anything wrong at all. Upsetting, but not wrong. He did have a bit too much to drink.

In an act of pure courage (and horrific lingering arousal), you text Jake back. 

You

2:14am: If I would have stayed with you, would you have fallen asleep on me?

You set your phone on your chest, halfway regretting sending the text, at all. You cover your eyes with your hand, fiercely tapping your other hand on your stomach as regret fills your mind. 

Then suddenly, it buzzes. 

You peek one eye open, expecting to see a reply from Jasmine. But– of course…

Jake

2:16am: He didn’t…

You

2:16am: 🙂

Jake

2:17am: Fuckin idiot.

2:17am: No, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep on you. I think we both know that. 

You

2:18am: Why are you still awake?

Jake sends back a photo of his feet propped up on his ottoman in front of a fireplace, holding a glass up in front of it. 

You

2:19am: Nightcap?

Jake

2:19am: No, it’s carbonated water. Couldn’t force down another drink if I wanted to

Danny startles you with a loud snore as he adjusts himself, getting comfortable again in his bed. And for some reason, it pisses you off all over again. 

You

2:20am: What if I was there, would you have a drink with me?

Jake

2:20am: I would do anything you want, if you were here

2:21am: I got you all worked up for nothing, huh

You

2:21am: Understatement of the year.

Ya know what? Fuck it. 

2:21am: But, not for nothing…

You slowly stand from the bed, rushing across Danny’s living area to slip quietly into his bathroom. Before you close the door behind you, you check to make sure he’s still asleep. When you’ve made sure the coast is clear, you lock the door behind you. 

Alone and still frustrated with sexual tension, you turn on the dimmer switch on the wall, pulling it all the way down to as dark as it will go. You stand in front of his full-length mirror and pull one of your straps down to expose one of your tits. You fluff your hair and find the perfect position to stand, covertly covering up your nipple as you hike the tight bottom of your dress up a little higher. 

You open your camera and adjust the lighting and snap a few photos, finding them all to be unreasonably sexy, if you do say so yourself. You finally choose the best one and attach it in a text to Jake, holding your breath as you hit send. 

You

2:23am: Still very much worked up 

You watch as the messages deliver, and Jake’s text bubble pop up and disappear four or five times as he is likely trying to decide what to respond with. You’re feeling a little more confident now, knowing that you’ve most likely left him a little speechless. It's an entire minute before he finally responds. 

Jake

2:24am: Fuck

You snicker at his response before going ahead and typing up another. 

You

2:24am: Think I made the wrong decision tonight

Jake

2:25am: Was waiting for you to admit that to yourself 😏

You sit down on Danny’s toilet, suddenly feeling very cold in the skimpy dress. You take a deep breath and rest your chin in your hand as you try and decide what to do next. You can steal one of Danny’s t-shirts, climb under the covers next to him and call it a night, or you could convince Jake that you’d rather be with him, and see what happens. 

You feel your phone buzz in your lap. 

Jake

2:27am: What if I promised to finish what I started

You

2:27am: If that entails anything like what you did to me in the car, I’ll take you up on that promise

Jake

2:28am: It has everything to do with what I did to you in the car

2:28am: And don’t act so innocent, I felt you trying to tease me, too

You

2:29am: Jake, it was obvious I wasn’t the only one worked up

2:29am: I never claimed to be innocent… 😇

Jake:

2:30am: God you’re a piece of work

You

2:30am: Come get me. 

Jake

2:31am: Be there in 5. 

Fuck fuck… this is really happening. Shit, you have made some horrible decisions tonight. But there is time for repentance later. Tonight, you’re going to pretend like nothing in the world matters. 

You take a quick second to freshen up and dab some of Danny’s toothpaste on your finger, at least making yourself seem like you’ve not taken part in too many bad decisions, tonight. When you’re done, you creak the bathroom door open again and find Danny still snuggled up and passed all the way out. You quickly send him a text that you found a ride home, not wanting him to wake up and freak out too badly. You’re pissed at him, but honestly, not too mad. It ended up in your favor, to be honest. You place your bottle of water on the table beside him and plug his phone in before making your way to sit on his couch, waiting for your incoming text from Jake. 

+++

“Here, brought you these,” Jake says as he hands you a pile of clothing after you’ve placed your seatbelt across your chest. “Thought you’d probably be cold.”

You unfold it all to find a pair of his sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, and a pair of old socks. “Jake, this is so sweet, you didn’t have to.” You feel your chest warm at his gesture. 

“You look fine as fuck in that dress, but I know you’ve gotta be uncomfortable,” he laughs, one hand balancing on the steering wheel as he backs out of Danny’s lot. 

You place the clothes on your lap, biting your lip in. “How about I leave the dress on for just a little while longer?” 

You hear him exhale a laugh through his nose. “You really are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

“No,” you reply shortly. “You can’t finish what you started if you aren’t alive.”

His eyes drift over to you in the passenger seat as his fingers rub over his mustache. Still so horrifically sexy. Good god. 

“You really wanna do this, Y/N? I really just wanted to save you from staying somewhere you didn’t want to be tonight… we don’t have–”

“I want to Jake, I do,” you reply strictly. Your hand shoots over and lands on his leg, and you feel no shame in teasing him in the exact same ways that he was teasing you, earlier. Your hand moves up and cups right overtop of his bulge, and you hear him hiss as his hips jut forward in the seat. You begin lightly massaging it. “Unless you don’t want to…”

“Nonono I do, I do,” he says, shaking his head through a laugh at you as he continues down the street. “Can’t believe Danny did that to you tonight. Fucking figures.”

Your hand stops its motion. “What do you mean, figures?”

Jake inhales a sharp breath. “I told him he had to make a decision, you or that other girl. It wasn’t fair him leading you on like he was… guess he proved that to you all by himself.”

Your blood rushes to your head. What?

“Wait, what?! What other girl?” you sit up in your seat and face Jake, now entirely interested in something else. 

He stumbles over his words, focusing on the road in front of him. “You didn’t– I thought you guys were kind of, open… right?”

You’re suddenly exasperated. “I mean, yeah I guess… we didn’t have a title or anything but like… we… I thought we were something… I thought he’d at least stay awake long enough to–”

Jake is silent for a second as he lets you process your thoughts. 

“He was texting her all night, Y/N.”

Your jaw falls slack. “What? He was?”

Jake nods, flicking his turn signal. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, it’s not my business.”

“No, it most definitely is your business. You’re my friend, right? Longer than Danny has been my friend. It’s your business, I’m your business…”

His eyes dart to you again and give you a look that makes your heart skip a beat. He’s being protective over you. 

“He’s been texting her a while, hooking up and whatnot. I don’t know anything further than that, or even who she is. But it pissed me off to see him hiding his phone so much, tonight. He was supposed to be there with you. I knew that he was trying to not let anyone see, but I saw it. A couple of times. I–I honestly thought that was why you were eyeing me so hard from the dance floor, I thought you might uh, have noticed him being weird and might be wanting to make him jealous or something. I dunno.” 

You shake your head and laugh disbelievingly. “Wow…” you mutter, suddenly not regretting your decision to come here with Jake, at all. Fuck Danny for that. He should have at least told you. You weren’t exclusive, but you also didn’t have anyone else on your radar. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that… I probably ruined your night,” Jake says as he pulls into a parking spot in front of his house.

“No. Actually, no, I’m glad you did. Something had felt kind of… off with him lately. I’m glad to know my gut wasn’t wrong,” you reply. 

Jake turns the car off and you just stare at one another, waiting for the other one to talk. “I can take you home instead, if you’d like,” he offers, his true colors coming through even through his brand new facade. Actually, maybe it isn’t a facade at all. Maybe this is who he has truly always been.  

“No. I want to be here, with you,” you reply honestly.

“Not for revenge?”

“No, fuck no. I should have told you I’d come home with you when you sent me that text. I know that now. I wanted to… I just… didn’t want to be rude and bail on him.”

“Maybe you are a sweetheart,” Jake pokes as he opens his car door, signaling for you to follow him. You both make your way out to his walkway and start heading up to his front door. 

“I am a sweetheart! What do you mean?!” you laugh, slapping him in the arm. 

“Ow, fuck,” Jake says, grabbing his arm as he turns to you in faux pain. 

“That didn’t hurt,” you laugh, stepping up onto his doorstep. 

“Yeah, you’re right. It didn’t hurt as bad as you leaving me in the dust tonight. Broke my fuckin’ heart,” Jake pouts. And for some reason, his words shoot right through your heart.

“Jake, I am so sorry,” you cry, turning to him. “Really.”

He laughs and turns to you, pulling a few stray hairs from in front of your face. “I’m kidding. I was sad, though.” He steps closer to you, enveloping your senses as he closes the proximity between you. “I’ve watched you walk away from me too many times over the years.”

Another shot through the heart. You’re one step away from feeling like total shit. “I didn’t even know you… cared, Jake. About me, like that.”

He shrugs his shoulder as he continues fixing your hair. “Ah, s’alright. You’re here now…”

You take a step closer to him, feeling a warmth travel over you that you don’t dare force away. Your lips are within inches of his, and your hand slowly comes up to grab behind his neck, playing with his hair that’s still pulled back into a low knot. His breath hitches but he doesn’t pull away, instead he brushes his nose against yours, making you break out in a chill that overtakes your entire being. 

“Yeah, I’m here now.” You close the gap and press your lips to his, kissing him gently at first, just to test out his waters. You feel him holding his breath just a little as he pulls away, giving you a smile so genuine you feel as if you could melt into a puddle, right there on his doorstep. He places his hands on your hips, reconnecting the kiss in a more heated way now. His hands are gripping at your sides, and your hands are grabbing onto his jaw, kissing him fiercely as if doing so is the only right thing in the world. 

You think you’re floating. No, you’re positive you are. The way he feels with his hands on you, the way your whole body is tingling and rushing with emotions… Kissing your friend never turns out well, but then again, he was fingering you in an Uber only an hour ago…

Just as quickly as things had started, they end, as Jake pulls himself away from you in a rush of excitement and nerves. “Let’s go inside.” 

He pushes the door open and you step inside, feeling some strange sense of deja vu as you enter another man’s house this evening. You step out of your half-strapped heels, kicking them to the corner as you toss your purse onto his couch. Instantly, you feel his arms wrapped around your back, holding on to you with a sincerity that you’ve always felt with him, just never physically. His mouth is behind your ear, and his waist is already pressing into your ass. 

“I know you want to leave the dress on, but I don’t think you’ll want it getting wet,” he growls into your ear. 

“Wet?” you ask, your eyes fluttering closed from his use of the word wet. Why? Guess that’s just where your mind is going to live, tonight. 

“Yeah. We’re taking a shower,” he replies, breaking away from holding you. But before he lets go, he grabs your hand and spins you around, making you follow him up the stairs. 

A shower… holy shit…?!

Your brain short circuits as you realize that within the next minute, you’re going to completely expose yourself to Jake, your very good… friend. It’s okay. It’s okay!

The top floor of his home is carpeted, and the softness of it feels like heaven on your sore and tired feet. He pulls you behind him still, one of your hands locked with his, the other still lugging the clothes he’s supplied you with. He turns a left corner and introduces you to a large room, much larger than any bathroom you’d seen in the houses in town. 

He turns on a light and illuminates a rather clean place for a man, a giant bathtub, and a shower that is bigger than your walk-in closet. 

“Wow…” you exclaim, in awe of it all. 

“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t turn this down,” Jake laughs. “Right?”

“Most definitely not.” You feel a cold chill rush over you at just the thought of hot water pouring over your skin, and you have to rub your hands over your arms for friction and warmth. 

You look to Jake who is leaning with his back on the counter, eyeing you so sweetly you could almost die. He cocks his head sideways with a tiny smile, and you cursed yourself for never really giving him the time of day in any regard other than just friendly interactions. Why had it never hit you before?

There’s a long pause as the two of you watch each other, and the tension between you is so thick it’s almost palpable. He kicks his shoes off and pulls his shirt over his head, never taking his eyes from you. You haven’t seen him shirtless in a long time, and for some reason the visual of his unclothed body literally makes you salivate. You have no shame in raking your eyes over him as he cocks an eyebrow, moving over to turn the shower on. Water begins to stream from two copper showerheads, and steam begins to fill the space immediately. 

You pull the straps of your dress down, slowly inching the tight dress over your breasts, stomach, and hips… really making a show of removing what little clothing you have left on. Jake is eyeing you still as he roughly grabs his belt, ripping it from its buckle and pulling it from the loops. For the love of god, you could watch him do that over and over again…

He kicks his pants off as you finally slip free of your dress, reaching down to pick it up and hang it over the doorknob. You’re left in just your thong, feeling exposed as Jake stands before you in his dark gray boxers. He slowly walks to you, placing his warm hands on your waist as he kisses you again, slow and deep and sultry as you let his tongue explore just a little further than it had earlier. 

He begins backing you up to the shower, the steam now coating the mirrors and window of the room. “I’m really fucking hungry for you, Y/N, in case you haven’t noticed…” Jake says as he takes your hand, placing it directly on his dick. Fuck, you’re in for it. 

You take the liberty, and gently squeeze at it. “I’ve noticed.” 

His mouth reconnects with yours again, the action of hungry really coming in to play as his fingers are slipping into the hips of your thong, running around the hem to the front. “Take it off,” you order him, swirling your hips a little as he begins to pull the fabric from your waist. 

“Yes ma’am,” he grits. You do the same for him after you kick free of the last shred of fabric on your body, pulling his boxers down and off, all the way. 

Through the steam, you can finally see him and he can finally see you, completely naked and baring yourselves to one another in the most enticing way possible. And god, is he a sight to see. 

His hand comes up to cover his mouth in disbelief, and you can see him smiling behind his covertness. “You’re really, really gorgeous, Y/N.” His compliment sends butterflies through your belly, and you rush to him again, pushing him back and into the hot downpour of the shower. 

The water blinds you completely as you’re both standing beneath it, a mess of slipping hands and missed kisses, all inhibitions out the window as neither of you can see what you’re doing. His hands find your tits, gripping them both in his hands and squeezing them with just enough force to make your back arch. His fingers work at your nipples, giving him a straightshot to go ahead and connect his mouth. He sucks one particularly hard, letting his lips pop off it with a loud snap. 

“Fuck,” you breathe, finally wiping the water clear from your eyes. You’re met with a soaked Jake, grinning at you so deviously that you swear you could devour him, right then and there. He pulls you back a little again, pressing your back against the cold tile wall as he falls to his knees. 

He’s biting at the skin of your stomach and hips, leaving marks you’re sure will be there tomorrow. He’s absolutely ravenous, and you know exactly what he’s about to do. His hands grip your ass, pulling at the muscles to make you lean into him, exposing your cunt to his ready and waiting mouth. Your hands find his head, your fingers tangling in his hair already as you feel yourself dripping with anticipation. Everything is rough, and forced, and so, so deliciously exhilarating. 

He reaches behind himself and pulls his hair free from its knot, giving you so much more freedom to wrap it around your fingers. It’s like he knows you’re going to need something to hold on to. 

His brown eyes shoot up to you, silently asking for permission to go further, of which you respond with a harsh nod. In less than a second his face is buried in you, his tongue already lapping through your folds and licking at you so deliciously that your knees start to buckle. He catches you, though, as if he had anticipated it, holding you steadily against the wall. 

“God, baby,” you cry out, wiping away the water falling into his face and in his eyes. He feels absolutely incredible, like an otherworldly experience you had no idea you needed to feel. Pleasure is already wracking through you at an ungodly pace, until you feel his tongue swirling your clit, making you cry out again. Your head flies back as your hand covers your mouth, blocking any sound from escaping. 

Jake lifts your left leg, tossing it over his shoulder to give him better access. “Let me hear you baby,” he says, “we’re the only ones here.” Your cries are pitiful as he pulls at your ass again, burying himself even further. You’re sure he’s going to drown as the shower is pouring directly on him, giving him little room to inhale anything other than water. Your fingers wrap up in his strands as you feel your hips begin to grind onto his face, swirling themselves as he moves his tongue to enter you, wet and luscious as his nose hits directly on your clit. 

“Fuuuuuck!” you yell out again, unable to stop yourself from letting him know how good he’s doing. 

Everything is happening so fast and so fiercely that you’re already nearing the edge, but you want this to last as long as it possibly can. He hums on you as his nose pumps against your clit, and you know that even if you could clear the water falling into your eyes, you still wouldn’t be able to see straight. 

You feel your body beginning to tighten, the muscles in your stomach becoming rigid and tense as you feel the sweet release knocking on your front door. He notices this, and brings his finger up to take the place of his tongue. He slides it inside you, and the feeling is even better than you’d thought it’d be, given that he’d only given you an inch or so in the car, earlier. He starts pumping it with force, his speed only increasing as you are trying your best to breathe through ragged breaths. 

“That good baby?” he asks, breaking away for air. 

You nod, “So close…”

He flicks his finger up to the perfect hook, massaging your g-spot as his tongue still laps away, perfectly pointed on your oversensitive clit. You know that his fingers are only a preview of the real thing, and already you realize that if he is this good with just his hands, how is he going to be in bed?

“Oh god, baby… I–” You hunch over, your hands pulling his hair so hard you want to apologize, but he brings you to an orgasm so delicious you have to remind yourself where you are, and what you’re doing. His lips circle around your clit, pulling it into his mouth in quick motions while circling still with his tongue. The motion is new to you and you swear for a second you go deaf from the pleasure. 

“Mmhmm, mhmm,” he hums onto you, releasing his finger and letting his tongue take its place again, collecting up everything he can as you find your mind. 

After a few seconds he slowly stands up, wiping the drenched strands away from your face as he gives you an energetic smile. 

“Jake, that was…” you can hardly form a thought before he’s turning you around, reaching for a bottle of shampoo to wash your hair for you. You let him, knowing that your elation is too high to even argue with him. He massages your scalp before rinsing all the suds, then gives you a healthy dose of whatever conditioner he has sitting in the corner, massaging it into your strands again. 

For a minute, everything is… peaceful. 

“Why you taking such good care of me?” you finally ask, feeling his still-hard length brushing across your ass. 

“Because I want to. Any other questions?” 

You laugh through your nose, realizing that enough time has passed that you’re damn near getting turned on, all over again. You shake your head no. 

You switch off, washing and massaging Jake’s hair for him as no words at all are exchanged. Comfortable silence. 

After you’re all washed and a little pruny, you turn to him again, this time the both of you exchanging looks that aren’t laced with as much aggression, but more painted with looks of desire that make your stomach swirl with the perfect anxiety. 

“You ready to get out of here?” he asks, reaching for the shower handle to switch it off. 

The two of you step out and you reach for a towel, but his hand stops you. “Hmm-mm,” he says, gently grabbing your hips. His lips are instantly connected to your neck, whispering sweet little nothings in your ear as you feel him pushing you to walk again, right over to the countertop. He spins you backward, and you find yourself facing a steam-covered mirror. 

He reaches up and wipes it clean, and it's then that you see the reflection of the two of you, flushed and soaked and in pure and utter bliss… together. You take the initiative and lean over for him, stepping your legs apart as you eye him in the reflection. 

His eyes glaze over with a hunger again, and as you press your ass back on him, the ravenous attitude returns. He places one hand on your waist and the other disappears between you, and you finally feel the touch of his dick rolling through your folds, instantly making you dripping wet all over again. 

You watch as he grits his jaw, his cheeks puffing up with air as his eyes watch himself, deliciously entering you inch by inch. Goddamn, he’s a lot bigger than you had imagined… He presses himself all the way in, finally looking at you again in the mirror as he slowly pulls back out, his eyes rushing back between you so he can watch himself do it all over again. 

Just the thought of him wanting to watch himself fuck you turns you on exponentially.

The feeling of him inside you is earth-shattering, to say the least. Each thrust is better than the last, and he hasn’t even picked up any pace yet. “Fucking hell, Jake… Oh my god…” you say, your jaw falling open as you squint your eyes closed. He moves his hand to hold on to your shoulder, picking up a pace now that has your mind reeling with a blinding pleasure you’ve never even felt before. 

You arch your back for him, giving him a new angle to pound himself relentlessly into you, the sounds of your still-wet bodies smacking together echoing off the walls and making for an even more shrewd display. You watch him as he fucks you, powerful and gorgeous and sweet, making sure to catch your eye contact every few seconds to let you know he’s still there. It’s truly unreal, and you can hardly even catch your breath as you watch yourselves. 

“Fuck, Y/N, keep taking it, baby…” he finally speaks, his head falling back a little as he slows his pace, concentrating now on a different stroke. He snaps his hips upward, hitting you in a whole new place deep inside. It nearly chokes you, the pleasure unimaginable and overtaking your every thought. 

“It’s yours, Jake, it’s all–”

His hand grips in your hair, pulling your neck back in a tight jerk. The motion makes you feel used in the best way as he thrusts even more deeply now. Your hands are holding onto the sink for dear life as the water still in your hair drips down into your face. 

Suddenly, Jake pulls all the way out, spinning you around to face him. His mouth is connected to yours in a flash, and you kiss him back, digging your fingernails into his ass to show him how pissed you are that he stopped. The two of you whine into each other’s mouths, desperate as you feel him pick you up and begin walking to the door. You can’t see where he’s going, but you don’t even care. You’re burying your tongue into his mouth and biting at his lips, feeling like an insatiable rabid animal for him. 

You’re flying through the air backwards before you land on his mattress, bouncing a few times into the thick and plush down comforter that smells exactly like him. “Jake, we’re soaked, let me dry off, we’ll ruin your–”

“Do you think I give a goddamn about getting my sheets wet, Y/N?” he yelps, cutting you off from standing back up to get a towel. His hand is on your chest, gently urging you to fall back down into the messiness of his unmade bed. 

It’s the most comfortable thing you’ve ever laid on, and the blankets and sheets are like mountains around you, protecting you and holding you between them. You feel safe here, you feel good. 

“Say wet again,” you say, remembering how much you liked to hear him to say it. 

He crawls back over you, pulling a dark blanket behind him as he positions himself between your legs, covering the two of you up in a warmth you can’t explain. 

“Wet, wet… soaking fucking wet,” he sings as he pushes himself into you again, taking all the air from your lungs as you feel him enter you this way. You whine pathetically into his mouth, feeling so vulnerable and unguarded in his presence. Your hands fly above your head, letting his body weight fuck into you again. Every nerve ending in your body is on fire, zapping your every cell into a state of shock. You’ve never had sex like this before. What had you been missing out on with him, all this time?

There’s no light around you at all as the blanket is tucked into your sides, tightly wrapping you both up so you have no choice but to touch on nearly every surface of your bodies. You slide against one another, your hands coming down from above you to grab onto him, pull his hair, and grip his jaw for an overly-forceful kiss. 

The way his breathy grunts sound in your ear make you soak again and again, and you know he can feel it. “Is that all for me, baby?” he asks, and you nod, breathing heavily as the pleasure wracks through you over and over again. 

“All for you, all of it’s yours…” you breathe, wrapping your ankles around his back. “You feel so fucking good baby, god… please don’t stop…” you beg him, already feeling another impending orgasm on the horizon. 

Your mind is so far away from everything that has happened tonight, and from Danny, and from whatever other girl he has been with, all this time. You could care less about it all. The way Jake is making you feel right now, the way he has been making you feel all night interrupts everything else so easily that you don’t even know why you were worried in the first place. 

He’s perfect, this is perfect. 

You pull the blanket back to uncover your heads, and you can finally see his face in the dim light of his room, fucked-out and ethereal as he continues. Your hand reaches up to grip around his neck, your fingers pressing over his jugular as his mouth opens for just a split second. You watch as his eyes fill with that same darkness again, and you know for a fact he wants you to do it. “Harder,” he says, so you listen, choking him with a little more intensity as you feel his thrusts begin to falter. 

You feel like he can’t be deep enough, nothing will ever satiate you enough, when it comes to him. Your knees fall apart even further as your ankles uncross, and you stretch your legs up to hang over his shoulders, folding your body in half. “Oh my god babe,” he breathes, leaning all his bodyweight onto the backs of your legs. Your fingers still wrap around his throat, and you grab his hand, pulling his middle finger deeply into your mouth. You wrap your tongue around it, sucking and swirling as you hold him up through his thrusts, now deeper and rougher at this angle. 

You watch his eyebrows furrow together as he starts to lose his composure, his entire body beginning to tremble as you realize you’re right there with him. Your eyes meet with his as you watch him, so much more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. 

You pull his finger in as deeply as it will go as you start to chase your own high, your entire body quaking as your muscles experience your second orgasm of the night. 

“Yeah… yeah…fuck…” he exclaims, biting his own lips. 

Your mouth falls open to cry out, every inch of your body raving and shaking with unimaginable pleasure. He’s falling apart on top of you as he lets himself go, and you make a promise right then and there that you’d never settle for anything less than what Jake has given you, tonight. 

His body trembles with a few aftershocks, making him hum through the comedown. He pulls out, and you instantly wish he was back, lying on top of you in the coziness of his bed. He’s panting and out of breath as he runs his hands down the lengths of your legs, lovingly kissing the insides of them as he steps back from you and off of the bed. 

“I’ll get a washcloth,” he says, stepping sideways into the floor. 

“It’s ok, I’ll come with you,” knowing that you’d prefer to clean yourself up, and get a towel for your still-soaked hair. You hop up and walk past him, smacking him on the ass as you dash to the bathroom. 

After you’d both cleaned up, you follow him back into his bedroom, searching around for that pile of clothes that you were sure he’d grabbed again for you. You locate them easily, and slip the t-shirt and pants on. 

“What are you doing?” he asks from the bed, reclining with his arm behind his head. 

“Getting dressed,” you say. “I’ll get another Uber, they should still be out and abou–”

“Y/N, get your ass back in bed with me, don’t be insane,” Jake chortles as if you’d just suggested the most ridiculous thing ever. 

You roll your eyes, a little embarrassed now. “Jake, it’s fine, I can go home. I know it’d probably be weird of me to stay.”

He sits up, and you realize that he’s still completely naked under the covers. “Have things ever been weird between us?” he asks, his voice a little more serious than before. “In all the years we’ve been friends?”

You stand awkwardly there in his clothes, in the middle of his bedroom, considering his question. “No.” 

“Exactly,” he says as he lays back down. “Now strip down again, and get back over here with me. Unless you’d rather take the couch downstairs… Up to you, sweetcheeks.” 

Thereeeeee’s the old Jake. 

You huff a breath of annoyance. You know he’s right. “Ok, but only because you’re so bossy.” 

You pull the pants back down, but decide to leave his shirt on before climbing back under the unbelievably comfortable sheets and pillows. His arms pull you in toward him before you even have a chance to lay down all the way, and you instantly are brought right back into that safe, comfortable embrace that is him. 

“Yeah, actually, leave the shirt on. Looks good on you,” he says, placing a kiss to your temple. 

You laugh as you dig down in beside him, tossing your leg over his waist. “Thanks. Think I’ll steal it.”

He reaches down to hike your leg up higher, then pulls your palm up to his lips as he places a sweet kiss to it. 

“You’ve stolen more than the shirt, babe.”

<333

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[gretavanmoon]

Transcendent - Two

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Female Reader

Word Count: 15.6k

Warnings: Mentions of Alcohol, Smoking, Cursing, Mention and Use of Magic, Black Magic, Curses, Mentions of Death, Anxiety, Attempted Assault, Mention of Injury, Blood, Arranged Marriage, Sadness, Crying. Smut: Sexual Themes, Heavy Pining, Kissing, Touching, Fingering.

A/N: Surprise! @gretavanmoon and I are back with another chapter of what has to be our favorite project yet. Without giving too much away, this will not be your traditional storyline. We've been dreaming on this one for a while and after a quick little break we are ready to get back to business. There will be no posting schedule with this story, taking it as it comes to give you the best story possible. But, it will be ongoing throughout this Winter and Spring season. As always, thank you for reading, liking, commenting and reblogging. It means the world to us and truly keeps us going.

The harsh sunlight blinds me as my eyes flutter open and I find myself  in some type of field laid out on my back. My trousers feel wet, as does my shirt. I can feel water between my fingers, and a few wet strands of hair against my neck. I can hear what sounds to be crickets hiding in the tall grasses around me, though they don’t resemble any grasses I’ve ever known. They’re thin and razor sharp with a bundle of seeds at the tip. The water beneath me  is murky and brown and I cannot see through it, though I know it’s shallow. Maybe only a few inches deep. The grass seems to be in perfect rows, and I quickly realize this is a crop field, not a grass field. 

As I pull myself up out of the water, the chill in the air bites at my wet skin and clothing, sending a shiver through my body. Goosebumps raise along my skin and a chatter falls from my teeth.  As I look around I see endless rows of crops, and in the far off distance what seems to be a barn or small farm. It takes all my effort to trudge through the muddy water, finally finding the edge of the crop field. I cannot name the crop, but I know it’s nothing I have seen in Louisiana. 

Large Oak trees occupy the perimeter of this land, thick with spanish moss and heavy with foliage. The landscape is so different from what I have known, with large rolling fields of grass and less swamp land.  As I step onto dry ground I do my best to wring out my trousers with water still dripping from my hair. I panic as I reach for the front pocket of my frock coat, hoping my book isn’t soiled with the dirty water. As my hand reaches into the pocket, I find it dry and untouched. As the wind blows again, I realize that I need to rid myself of these wet garments before I fall ill. 

I hear Serphine’s voice in my head, telling me of the tree that would hold the items I needed to blend in. “Find a tree with three mother trunks, and a deep hole at its center. There, inside, will be everything you will need to survive in the place and time you find yourself.” I hope there will be dry clothing there, though I am not quite sure what to expect. I search the trees in the distance looking to find the one she spoke of, three large trunks with a hole at the center. I walk quite a ways closer to the property, not finding the tree I am searching for, but as I draw nearer to what I now know is a barn, I locate the large Oak I am looking for. 

It is just behind the large white wooden barn, and as I round the corner I am met with quite a sight. A grand estate sits just off to the right, with a stately double staircase leading up to a full wrap-around porch filled with large white columns. The house must be three stories tall, each level having a generous covered balcony. I’ve never seen anything quite so ornate in all my time as a carpenter. But it's the roof that steals my breath away. I see what must be ten large chimneys protruding from the shingles, but the crowning jewel of the home is its large copper spire at the center of the roof, catching the sun and shining brightly. Something tells me that she is in there, but this doesn’t seem to be the place where one can just barge right in. 

I shake away my awe and make my way to the tree, feeling a bit foolish as I reach inside the hollow of the trunk. Shock runs through me as I feel a canvas sack brush against my fingers. I pull the bag from the tree and drop to the ground with it as I empty its contents. Inside is a new pair of light colored wool trousers,  a white long sleeve half button shirt, a pair of leather suspenders, a wide brim hat and a pair of work boots. Inside is also a small leather pouch with a pocket knife, etched with the image of an hourglass. I know this is Seraphine’s doing, a small reminder of my limited time. 

I quickly redress myself in the new clothing, instantly feeling warmer thanks to the wool trousers. I place my soiled clothes in the sack and pocket the knife, ready to head towards the mansion in search of answers. As I start out toward the footpath, I am quickly stopped by an incoming carriage making its way up the small dusty path towards the barn, and as I change my path I realize that the barn is actually a large carriage house. I watch as the horse trots toward the stables, furrowing my brows as I notice it favoring its rear hoof. My hunch is telling me that Y/N is somewhere on this sprawling property, and I realize that this horse and its injured hoof could be my ticket inside. 

I sling my sack over my shoulder as I rush towards the stables, watching as the carriage is unhooked from the horse and wheeled back into its storage slot. I can hear the whinnying of several horses at varying ages as I slowly step inside the building trying not to spook the horse that has finished its work. A large statured man is tending to this horse, patting his neck as he begins to lead it away to the stables. 

“‘Scuse me, sir?” I say. 

He turns abruptly, clearly startled by my presence. “Walkin’ tour starts at the main house.” he says, nodding to the estate behind me. 

“Oh, I’m with no tour, sir,” I explain, “I couldn’t help but notice your Gelding there seems to be favoring his right rear hoof.”

He raises a brow to me and looks down at the horses back hooves. “You noticed that from the walking path?”

“I did,” I nod, gesturing towards the hoof, “I know you don’t know me from Adam, but if you’d like I could take a look at it for you. I’ve worked with horses most of my life.”

He takes a good long look at me, as if trying to decide if I am telling the truth of not before nodding. “Alright, have a look. Simon is a calm horse, shouldn’t give you no trouble.”

I nod to him as I  gently drop my sack to the floor and place my hand on the hindquarter of the horse to let him know I am there. He twitches beneath my hand as I pet his coat, finding it to be in immaculate condition. I don’t know what this place is that I have found myself in, but they seem to care for the look of things and this horse and stable are no exception to that. I then quickly move to grab the horse's back hoof, trapping it between my knees to disable his movement. The man was right, Simon gave me no trouble and let me look at the underside of this hoof. 

“Ahh,” I remark, “His shoe is too small. He has outgrown it by a large amount. This is causing him pain.”

The man huffs, “Sounds right. Our farrier has stopped coming to tend the horses. We haven’t seen him in several months. I fear it was a harsh winter last year and we’ve had no luck finding another,” he pauses, as I release the horse’s hoof, dusting my hands off on my trousers. The man extends his hand out to me, and I shake it, offering a small smile. 

“Name’s Elijah, yours?”

I clear my throat as I grip his hand tightly, “Jak–Jacob,” I correct. “I’d love to get this horse fixed up for you if you have the tools?”

His eyes grow wide, “Are you a farrier?” he asks desperately.

“Not by trade, I’m a carpenter, but my father taught me much about horses, and this is one of those things.”

“I believe we have the tools, but no one has used them. If you follow me I can take you to them,” he urges. 

I follow him out the large stall doors to the side of the building. As we walk I notice a large number of people walking the property near the home, admiring the gardens filled with azaleas and bright camellias. The people are dressed in fine clothing, finer than anything I’ve ever seen back home, and I wonder if I truly did make the jump to South Carolina. I didn’t really know what to expect but this was never in my imagination. 

Elijah returns from the shed with a small bag of farriers tools, everything I will need to replace the horses shoes, down to custom horseshoes. Again I turn my gaze towards the house, seeing the main entrance as we walk towards the horse stables. A large green and white sign sits at the entrance of the walking path, finally answering the question of where I have found myself and where my girl is. 

‘Magnolia Plantation and Gardens Ancestral Home of the Drayton Family Charleston, South Carolina Est. 1676 ’

—

Several hours and a farrying lesson later, Elijah feels confident in his newly acquired skill and I feel as though I have earned my reason to stay here and help out. When Elijah offered me the work, I took him up on it. The longer I am here, the more time I have to find Y/N. I will work in the stables with the horses, tending to their needs and helping Elijah manage the carriages and carriage house. 

I follow behind him as he walks me to my living quarters. I am pleasantly surprised to find out that my accommodations are included in the job and that I wouldn’t have to venture into town to find something. He leads me to a row of small white wooden houses, just large enough for one room. The door creaks open as he steps inside, where a thin layer of dust is covering most of the surfaces. 

“S’not much, but it gets you by,” he says, gesturing to the room. There is a wood burning fireplace in the center of the room, a small table and a chair, a full size bed with a few blankets and what looks to be a trunk for my belongings. 

“Thank you, Elijah,” I answer with a nod, “It’s more than I expected.”

He nods at me as he begins to make his way out of the quarters, pausing briefly at the door. “Supper is at dusk, just as the guests leave. Meet me at the carriage house and I’ll walk you down and introduce you to some other folks.”

“Thank you,” I respond, feeling the rumble in my stomach. 

He closes the wooden door behind himself, leaving me in the quiet dusty room. I take a seat on the small featherbed, happy to have it after spending the day hammering down horseshoes. I don’t know how long I will be here, but I am glad to have my own space somewhere close to Y/N. Now, I just have to find her. 

—

I meet Elijah at the carriage house right at dusk, eager to fill my hungry stomach. We walk along the walking path, passing the main house and some of the fields when I finally get the nerve to ask. 

“What crop is it, the one in the fields?” I ask, feeling slightly nervous. 

He smiles and laughs as he throws his arm over my shoulder, “Well, that's Carolina Gold Rice boy. Don’t you know where you are?” he jokes, and just as you start to stammer back an answer, a loud dinner bell rings alerting the help staff to supper. A large steamboat is pulling away from the dock on property, black smoke rising up into the evening air. 

We approach a building just off the main house that Elijah explains as the Dining House and Recreation Room for the staff. All meals are served here and this is where the staff comes to socialize after working hours. The room is lined with long tables and chairs, dimly lit by gas lanterns. It smells of kerosene and a warm meal, adding to the growing hunger in my stomach. I take a seat next to Elijah as he introduces me to a field worker named Henry and his wife Etta. They are kind folk and offer to show me around if I ever needed. 

We all stand and make our way to the supper line as the kitchen staff plates our meals, which seems to be some sort of stew. As I carry my bowl back to the table a glass of water is set in front of me by a housemaid. I look at the stew, seeing that it is made with what is very likely the same rice from the field just outside. It's rich, with a tomato base and full of vegetables. It is sure to fill my stomach. 

I listen as Etta and Elijah talk about the crop this year, trying my best to learn this new place I have found myself in. Henry looks to me as I spoon the stew into my mouth. 

“You from around here, boy?” he asks. 

I shake my head, “No sir. I’m new to this area, I’m from down South. Louisiana,” I answer. 

He nods, “I have some family back in Louisiana,” he pauses. “You know anything about this place?”

“No sir, just what Elijah has told me,” I admit. 

“So you didn’t fight in the War of the States?” he asks. I feel my pulse quicken as I struggle to answer him. I know nothing of the war he speaks of, but I think it best to be truthful. 

“No sir.”

“I figured as much. You know, this place actually burned to the ground. S’why everything looks so new and shiny. Mr. Drayton poured a small fortune into rebuilding the property. He lost a lot of land but rebuilt it double the size.”

I clear my throat, “It’s– It’s a beautiful property, seems very well kept.”

Elijah chimes in, continuing the conversation with Henry as I turn my face back to my supper. But it's then, out of the corner of my eye I see a flash of blue fabric rush past. I lift my head to find a house maid in a pale blue dress filling a water glass at the table across from me. My heart nearly bursts out of my chest. I’ve found her. Her hair is tied in a braid at the nape of her neck, a pale blue ribbon tied in a neat bow at the bottom. She works diligently filling water glasses with a smile, and I realize that I’m just as taken with her in this life as I was in the past. 

She turns quickly, spotting me behind her as I stare her down. Her eyes linger on mine for just a brief moment before looking away and returning to her work. My pulse is racing as my stew continues to drip off of my spoon into my bowl. It must be obvious that I’ve lost my mind when Elijah leans over and whispers over my shoulder. 

“That's Ms. Y/N. She is the children's nursemaid. Not too sure why she is out here on supper duty tonight. Very beautiful woman, but a smart man would steer clear of her if he intends to keep his job.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat as I nod, bringing my nearly empty spoon to my lips. 

“Now, I ain’t seen anything myself but, Mr. Drayton seems sweet on her,” he continues, keeping his voice low. 

“Oh, he is unmarried? You mentioned children. Did his wife pass away?” I ask, looking for a little more insight.

He scoffs, “No sir, she hasn’t. Mrs. Drayton is alive and well, but is often away in town.”

I feel heat start to rise in my cheeks, “I don’t understand.”

Elijah looks around before he speaks again, “Rumor is that Mr. Drayton is after a male heir. His son passed in the States War and Mrs. Drayton has only given female children since.”

“How does that involve Ms. Y/N?” I ask, dropping my spoon into my bowl. 

“I believe he intends to get one from… her.”

I feel my jaw tighten as I swallow harshly. “So are they– Do they, you know, get on well?”

“From what I have seen, quite the opposite. She despises him. Only stays to care for the children. She practically raised them. Quite a task since she is but a child herself. You ain’t hear none of this from me, ya hear?”

I nod my head quickly, turning to look over my shoulder for another glimpse of her, but as my eyes scan the room, I realize she is gone, and that maybe my purpose in this life isn’t to make her mine, but to keep her from someone with intentions much worse. 

—

The outside sounds so different here. Once things are silent and I can hear the nocturnal earth come to life around me, I feel a little out of place, expecting to hear the crickets and frogs that I’m used to, but instead hearing sounds of creatures that I’ve never heard before. 

My bed is hard and lumpy beneath my back, as it’s nothing but a sack filled with straw and feathers, but it’s better than sleeping on the ground. I take a deep breath as I realize I’m being hit time and time again with the realization of what I’ve done. I’ve jumped overtop of the hands of time, or swam beneath them, maybe, all to chase after a love that lasted no longer than a fortnight back in Louisiana. 

“Insanity,” I mumble to myself as I turn over in my bed, gazing out the window to the high trees lining the property.

 Insanity doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I’m a cursed man, what did I even expect of myself? To live my normal life day to day, simply being happy with the fact that I’ll stay twenty-five forever? No. My life wasn’t mine, anymore. And I have my brother to thank for that. This is a distraction…perhaps. Something to live for, chasing after Y/N lifetime over lifetime. 

It’s disorienting to recognize that I seem to have landed in the exact place that she resides; I wonder if it will always be that easy. Seraphine didn’t give me that detail, probably because it was unknown to her. Happenstance or not, I guess I will have to find out on my own. 

My eyes are growing heavy as I let the peaceful new sounds lull me to sleep, the harsh smell of manure and straw now beginning to embed themselves into my skin and clothing. The scent reminds me of times past with my father and Joshua as he taught us everything we ever knew about equine life. And carpentry. And silversmithing. 

I grip my silver charm in my hand as I finally let sleep begin to overtake me. It brings me comfort for some reason, though the hands that crafted this talisman hated me so that he purposefully changed the trajectory of my life, and, unknown to him, changed his own life in the process. I wonder where Joshua has ended up, I wonder how he felt when he landed here in this new time and space. I wonder how confused he is, how terrified that we’re now alive eleven years in the future, in a different universe altogether. He doesn’t have the comfort of the book that Sera gave me, or the advice she bestowed me with. He’s clueless, out there wandering around aimlessly. I wonder how long it will take him to realize that his whole plan may have backfired.

A stream of thoughts enters my mind, and I think back on what Elijah had said about how Y/N despises Mr. Drayton. I wanted to press him for details, but the last thing I need is suspicion. My judge of character tells me that Elijah is trustworthy, though I do need some time to solidify that. 

She looked beautiful today, even from afar. Just the same in her mannerisms and movements, but all the more different at the same time. The draw my body feels to her is still very much alive and well, and I’m thankful that I was able to feel my heart rate rise from seeing her again. I drift off to thoughts of her, how her lips felt on mine the day at the pond, how she felt writhing beneath me, and how my chest caved in on itself the night the doctor told me she hadn’t made it. A fate I would wish upon no man to ever experience. 

But suddenly I’m awoken by a different sound, and it trumps my thoughts and the crickets lulling me. It’s rustling in the grasses, it’s laughter in the distance. I sit up in my bed and rub my tired eyes, pulling my blanket from across my lap to grab my bedside candle. I quietly creep across the squeaky boards of my quarters, allowing the glow of the light to follow me along to the window. I suddenly panic, realizing that I don’t have any protection in case an intruder of sorts were coming up on me. 

It’s then that I catch sight of another candle flame off in the distance, right underneath the largest iron oak tree I’ve ever seen. I peer more closely and finally make out what I’m seeing, four little girls barefoot and dressed in their white nightgowns, dancing around the base of the tree trunk. 

Must be Mr. Drayton’s daughters. 

I smile as I watch them dance, holding hands and twirling around as they laugh and whisper to one another. They’re all very young, I notice, ranging from only maybe five to twelve years. The cool, thick air makes their breath visible, and I wonder what on earth they’re doing out here in the middle of the night. And why Y/N isn’t with them. 

I grin ear to ear when I realize they must have been feeling mischievous and snuck out of the home, much like Joshua and I would do as children. For no reason, other than feeling a sense of freedom and rebellion that only came with escaping from our house while our Father was fast asleep.

I watch as the littlest one begins to try and climb the thick, low branches of the tree, making it fairly far up before her sisters take notice, but do little about it as they continue dancing and playing in the shadows. Her agility astounds me, for as little as she is. 

But my impression is short lived, as I watch her lose her balance and topple off the branch onto the ground below her, immediately shrieking out in pain. Her sisters rush to her as I can hear her cries through my thin walls, and I contemplate on whether or not I should go to them. I don’t know them, I hardly know anyone here… but I can’t let her just lie there in pain if she truly has injured herself.

I step into my boots and rush out the door, hearing her sisters begin to cry along with her as her tiny voice shrieks. I pick up my pace as I rush more quickly to them, finally reaching the circle they’ve made around her. “Hey there, excuse me… My name is Jacob… is everyone alright?” I say before I approach them gently, not wanting to startle them too much in the darkness. “Where is your caretaker?”

The oldest one rushes to me, taking my hand and pulling me over to the scene. “Please help us, it’s Lottie, she fell! She hurt her arm!” she cries, gripping my elbow as I realize things might be worse than I’d thought. I gently kneel beside the girl and take a closer look, seeing that her wrist is already swelling. 

“What’s your name, again?” I ask her as I offer to take her arm. 

“L–Lottie… it hurts re-really baddddd,” she wails through loud cries, but she lets me take her injured limb. It’s most definitely sprained, and already bruising. I gently manipulate my fingers across her bones, thankfully feeling no break. 

“I know it must hurt, but you’re going to be just fine. Why are you girls out here so late? Why have you snuck out–”

“Please help her, mister!” the girls cry, just as scared for their baby sister as she is for herself. They must know they are going to be in trouble, too, for sneaking out past their bedtimes. 

I feel conflicted as I look around, debating on whether or not I should call for someone else, or if I should take the responsibility of carrying the girl back to the house. No one knows me here, yet, and seeing a strange man carrying the little girl could look badly on me. Her wrist continues to swell as she cries, and the girls all begin to panic.

“Lottie!” I hear a familiar voice off in the distance, traveling across the grounds and directly through my heart. “Kit, Marian, Evey… you girls step away from that man immediately!” She isn’t happy, just as my internal thoughts had presumed. I quickly rise from my kneel on the ground and stand, not wanting to startle her any more. “You get back from them, do you hear?!” she yells at me as she rushes across the yard. 

Still just as fiery and beautiful as ever. 

When she finally approaches, she puts both of her hands forcefully on my chest, pushing me backward until I stumble into the dirt. “How dare you! Who are you?!” she screams in my face, not caring a bit that I’ve fallen down. I watch as she rushes to Lottie, mumbling quiet concerned words to her as she assesses the scene. “Leave us be, get out of here, or I’m calling for Mr. Drayton!” she pushes her hand at the air behind her, telling me to vacate quickly. 

She gathers Lottie in her arms as she spits disciplines at the other girls, her tone deep and frustrated as she yells at them. 

“No no, Ma’am, please forgive me, I heard them outside playing and I watched her fall from the tree. I heard her crying and thought she had hurt herself, I’m so sorry, I just thought I could help,” I try and explain myself as I stand back up. 

She looks to me with a grit on her features, her jaw clenched tightly as I see the fire burning in her eyes. Worried, of course. 

“You’re a stranger, you shouldn’t have bothered–”

“No, Ms. Y/N, he was trying to help me, he tried to make me feel better, don’t yell at him,” Lottie explains through sobs. 

“We don’t know this man, children, you mustn’t talk to strangers!” Y/N barks back at them. “Back to the house, all of you!” she yells with a snap of her fingers. I watch as the other three little girls scurry across the grass, Y/N and Lottie trailing behind in the heavy fog. I stand unmoving as I catch sight of her glancing back at me for just a second, likely memorizing my face for whatever wrath I will succumb to tomorrow. 

I retreat back to my bed as I relax into a dissatisfied grunt, realizing that that couldn’t have gone worse.

—

It's a knock at the door that wakes me from my slumber. The sun is shining brightly through the dirty window and instinctively I pull myself up from my warm bedding to check for danger. As I peer through the glass I can see the figure of two people, and without a doubt one of them is Y/N.

I quickly pull on my trousers, tucking my hair behind my ears quickly before unlatching the door. I have no time for my shirt, but I don’t think that matters much as the knocking grows louder. A rush of nerves fill my body as I open the door, but the second I see Y/N it all disappears. 

“Mornin’,” I say, greeting Y/N and Miss Lottie.

“Good morning sir, I’m sorry to wake you at such an early hour, but Lottie here would like to say something to you,” Y/N answers, ushering Lottie closer to the door. 

I’m surprised to say the least, but more so I am sad to see the small girls’ wrist bundled up and in a splint. She seems shy, her cheeks turning pink as she begins to speak to me. I decide to meet her at eye level, crouching down before her as I rest my arms on my knees. 

“Sowwy we sneaked out of Daddy’s house and woke you up in the middle of the night,” she says, her sweet voice like honey to my soul. 

“And,” Y/N urges, nodding to the girl. 

“And fank you for trying to help me feel better about my arm,” she finishes, looking up to Y/N for her approval. 

A smile overtakes me, “Don’t be sorry for getting yourself injured on accident. Just be sorry that you couldn’t sneak back into bed without being caught.” I wink, earning me a big smile from the young miss. 

I let my eyes meet Y/N’s, a smile now on her own face. My eyes flick back to Lottie as I examine her splint. “May I?” I ask, hoping for permission. Y/N nods and I begin to adjust the splint so that it may sit more comfortably on her small arm. I stand quickly, stepping back inside to grab my old handkerchief, nearly useless to me now. 

I fashion a makeshift sling to hold her arm, relieving some of the pressure as I tie it over her shoulder. “There, not you won’t hurt it any further. Does it feel alright?” I ask her. 

“Yes sir. Fank you mister…”

I stand, dusting off my hands as I answer her. “Kiszka. But you can call me Jacob.”

It’s then that I take in the sight of Y/N in the full morning sun. Her hair tied back with a ribbon, and a beautiful dress, much nicer than the ones I’ve ever seen back home. 

Lottie begins to tug on Y/N’s skirts, looking back behind her as she hears her sisters playing off in the distance. “Can I go now, I want to play tag,” she asks Y/N, looking at her with longing eyes. 

“You may, but you must be careful with your arm. Do you understand?” she answers, adjusting Lottie’s braids. 

“Yes ma'am. I will!” she shouts, scampering off towards her sisters and leaving me and Y/N alone for the first time. 

I stand there in my doorway, doing my best not to stare at Y/N or be obvious about my infatuation with her in this new time. Her eyes meet mine, slowly they drift down though, and it’s then I remember I don’t have my shirt on, and I suddenly feel warm under her gaze. 

Though I may be warm, I can see her breath in the air of the early morning, the sun not warming the earth just yet. 

“Aren’t you cold?” she asks me, still eyeing my naked torso. 

I smile at her and shake my head, “No ma’am, I’m warm blooded. Always have been.” 

Out of politeness I step inside and grab my shirt, pulling the laces tight around my neck, before tucking it into my trousers. Her eyes never leave me though, clearly fascinated by me.

She pulls them away once she has noticed that I’ve caught her, quickly changing the subject as her cheeks grow flushed.

“Thank you– For trying to help little Lottie. The girls like to sneak out in the middle of the night and pretend they are runaways. This isn’t the first time I have chased them down late at night.” She smiles, and I find myself nearly swooning over the sweet sound of her voice, still a little raspy, just as I remember it to be. 

“Oh, it’s no problem ma’am. I apologize for overstepping. I didn't know the extent of her injury and I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t hurt worse,” I say, continuing our small talk as I take her in fully, just as she does me. 

“You know,” she pauses, “I saw you near the stables yesterday. Are you a new hire on property?”

I nod my head as I answer her, “Yes ma’am, just started as a farrier, helping out Elijah.”

“So then you would say you have an affinity for horses?” she confirms. 

“Sure do. I grew up with them,” I reply. 

I see her features soften, and a smile threatens her lips before she stifles it back. “Then you best get to the stables. I do believe they have already started their morning, and Mr. Drayton does not fool with tardiness.”

I quickly realize she is correct as I hear a horse whineigh in the distance. 

“Yes, I should be on my way. Thank you,” I answer, pulling on my boots and grabbing my hat. I pull my door shut as I step down beside her on the wooden steps. 

“Oh, and Jacob,” she calls out, causing me to spin around. 

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I also feel as if I should apologize for shoving you into the dirt. That wasn’t very ladylike of me,” she answers, looking a bit defeated. 

“You were protecting the girls. Never be sorry for that,” I answer confidently, tipping my hat to her as I take one last look before heading off to start my day. But as I walk away I can feel her eyes burning into my shoulders, and I resist the urge to turn back,  for fear if I do, my work shall never get done. 

—

“Aaagghh! I’m definitely going to have to go into town for some new boots, now!” I hear Elijah shout from the next stall over. “Son of a bitch!” 

I grin to myself as I adjust my hat and lean my rake against the wall, peering over to see what he is on about. I find him leaned over and cursing, scraping off a heavy bit of horse manure from the bottom of his boot. The heel has come completely off of the rest of the shoe. 

“Did any get on your foot, mate?” I ask, trying to contain my laughter. 

“Yes, of course it got on my foot, you nimwit!” he yells as he continues to try and clean himself, eventually giving up and waddling outside to the water troughs. 

My eyes follow him out the stable front doors outside into the yards, and the most beautiful sight catches my eye, Ms. Y/N and the children following alongside her. They’re headed right our way. 

“Afternoon, Ma’am,” I hear Elijah say as he tips his hat and passes her, “and little Ma’ams…”

My heart is in my throat as I watch her approach from under my hat, clasping her hands behind her back as she takes in the order of the stables. I try not to make myself known, keeping to raking out the old straw as I stay quiet. I haven’t seen her in days, and I can feel my emotions swirling as her proximity tightens in on me.

“Good afternoon, Jacob,” I hear her sweet voice greet me, still hiding a bit in the shadows as the girls run around freely. 

I clear my throat. “Oh, good afternoon, how is everyone today?” I ask, my voice shaky. I watch as little Lottie rounds the backs of her legs, her arms gripping around them as she hugs her. The wrist she injured is still wrapped, but she doesn’t seem to be as bothered by it as she was before. “Not climbing anymore trees, I presume?” I wink at her. 

“No, no more trees for quite a while,” Y/N laughs, running her hand along Lottie’s curly hair. “We actually thought we would stop by for another reason… We have a proposition for you, Sir.”

My interest is piqued, and I’m sure my expressions show it. I lean the rake against the wall again and extend my hand for them to follow me into a larger room of the stables. “Do tell?” I ask. 

Now, Lottie and Y/N are hand-in-hand as we walk, and I can’t help but swoon at the visual of the relationship the two of them obviously have. I know that she cares for these girls as if they are her own. 

“Well, for months now, Lottie has been saying how she wants nothing more than to learn to ride horses, but we’re being burdened by one problem,” she explains with a lull in her voice. 

“Besides the fact that she’s still so small…?” I jest, bulging my eyes at Lottie, making her skitter off into the corner.

“She’s actually very, very scared of the creatures,” Y/N whispers. “I told her there was nothing to fear of them, though they are giants in her eyes. She’s intrigued by them, but I think she just needs a little assistance in the getting used to them department.”

I bite my tongue into the corner of my mouth. “Aha, I see.”

“So, yesterday she said that she knows that Mr. Jacob works with the horses…and…”

I nod quickly as I take a deep breath. “I understand. I’d be more than happy to help her become more comfortable around them.”

I watch as Y/N’s face lights up, her eyes sparkling in the bright afternoon sunlight. “Oh, really, Jacob? Would you? If you have the time, of course…”

I ignore her formalities, instead going to the corner that Lottie has hidden herself in. I squat down to her level, watching as she cowers away just a bit. I slap my dirty hands against my trousers, and give her a reassuring smile. “How is your arm today, Miss Lottie? Not hurting too badly anymore?”

She slowly shakes her head. “Not so bad, now,” she answers quietly.

“Good,” I say, standing back up and offering my hand to her. “Come on, I hear you want to meet a horse.” 

I feel her tiny hand slip into mine, and I take this as a move in the right direction, step one of overcoming her fear with her. I walk with her along the stable openings, the horses leaning their heads out one by one as we pass.

“This one here is Fitzgerald, but we like to call him Fitz. He’s young, just like you. Full of energy. And this is Copper, she’s very fast.”

“How fast, Mr. Jacob?” she asks, squeezing onto my hand. 

“So fast that you can hardly see her as she zips past you! Quick as a lightning strike!” I explain with animation.

“And this is Frasier, Barclay, and Piper… and this one, this one is my favorite. Her name is Cecily.” I take my time introducing her to this last one, the one that I am trusting the most to try and let Lottie ride. 

“Cecily,” she repeats back, a bit of a lisp on her tongue. 

“That’s right. Cecily is twenty-four years old, if you can believe that,” I say. 

“My father purchased her when I was one year old,” I hear Y/N behind me, her voice gentle and reminiscent. I pause as I watch her run her hand along the animal’s nose. “The first horse I ever rode.” My heart swells again. She has a love for them in this life, too.

“Then that is somethin’ you and Lottie will have in common, hm?” I say, leaning into her just a bit. I watch as her cheeks brighten with pink as I make a point to let my eyes linger on hers for just a second too long. 

“Come on, Lottie,” I say as I grip under her armpits, lifting her to eye level with Cecily. “See? She is very sweet, even Ms. Y/N will pet her.” 

Lottie feels terrified in my grasp, but she bravely lifts her unbandaged hand, hesitating as she decides if she wants to touch her. 

“Go ahead, she won’t hurt you,” I encourage. And finally, she lets herself make contact, earning a sweet huff of air from Cecily’s nose. Lottie giggles loudly. 

“Would you like to ride her?” I ask, placing her back down on the ground.

“Nooo, no! I don’t wanna! I’m too a-scared!” she cries, whipping herself away again to hide behind Y/N’s skirts. 

I hear Y/N exhale a rough breath. “Well, this was progress, at least. She’d never even go near the stables before, let alone touch one of them. This is a big step forward–”

“What if I walk along with you?” I coyly interrupt her, looking back to Lottie. 

She snarls her nose. “If I ride one, can Ms. Y/N ride one, too?”

I look back to her in question. “We can saddle one for her, too, and you can ride alongside her, perhaps?”

I watch as Lottie thinks through the options I’ve given her, before confidently stopping on one. “Hm, no, I wanna go with you, Mr. Jacob.”

I laugh along with Y/N, opening the door to Cecily’s stall. “Alright, it’s settled then. Though I don’t know many good trails around here, I am still very new, you know… But I’m sure Ms. Y/N does.”

She smiles, “Yes, I suppose I’ll have to show you around if you’re going to be the one keeping our horses healthy.”

I put the finishing touches on the saddles and help Lottie up onto Cecily, still a bit nervous but less scared than before. “Hold on tight, with your good hand, just there. Perfect.”

I swear the old mare recognizes that Lottie is nervous as she gently trots around the field, carefully stepping over rivets in the ground from the plows. “See, Lottie? Not so bad huh?” I press, glancing at Y/N trailing behind with a soft smile on her face. “And you’re doing it all by yourself.”

“Not so bad,” she quietly replies, and I can tell her expression has softened. 

“Y/N, this way?” I ask, pointing to a clearing in the hedgerow. She nods and I walk the horse forward into the coverage of trees, giving us a little shade as we maneuver the worn-in trail. We go along for fifteen minutes or so and I listen to Lottie go on about the trees, her sisters, and Cecily, answering all the questions I can while knowing that Y/N could answer them better than I could. 

“Ms. Y/N, did you name her? Or did Grandfather?” Lottie asks, turning a bit to see her on her own horse. 

“I didn’t name her, she was still just a baby when she came to us, and I wasn’t yet old enough to talk. Do you like her? Are you still afraid?” Y/N asks. My heart is thrumming as I listen to her speak, soft and understanding. 

“I’m not so scared anymore, but I still don’t wanna do it by myself. I want Mr. Jacob to go all the time,” Lottie says, avoiding my eyes but still making me blush.

We round back to the stables and I help Lottie off her horse, watching as she scurries away back to her sisters. “I did it! I rided a horse!” I hear her squeal with excitement as she rejoins them, her wrapped arm flying into the air above her head. 

As I begin unsaddling, I feel Y/N at my side, her presence beginning to feel more and more familiar to me now. It’s as if just the energy she emotes is recognized by mine, meshing together in our own space in time. 

“Thank you, Mr. Jacob, I can’t explain how appreciative I am that you took the time to help her, she seems so much more at ease with you, I could never even get her to go near them,” she says, pushing her hat back on top of her head. 

I turn, adjusting my own brim to shield the sun, allowing me a more clear view of the face I’m falling more and more in love with as the minutes tick past. “The pleasure’s mine, Ma’am. I hope she wants to return, and learn more. I’ll give her my time as often as I can.”

The smile that ticks at the corners of her lips makes me forget how to breathe as her eyes search mine for something else, suddenly. She huffs an inhale, almost as if she is second-guessing her words. “I notice you have a way with people, Jacob, but even more so a way with children. And I believe that’s a trait that is very admirable in a man.”

I fight down a swallow, trying to stand firm as my knees want to buckle beneath me. “Thank you, Ma’am. I do enjoy watching the world from their perspective, seeing things so much larger and so much more unimportant than we do. Paying attention to only what’s in front of them, instead of what will come next. It’s refreshing, you know,” I respond, biting my lips in as my eyes scan her face. I watch as her eyelashes flick rapidly, likely experiencing the same shift in the air as I am. 

“Yes,” she whispers, clearing her throat. “I–I will see you next time?”

“I’ll be here waiting, Ma’am,” I reply, tipping my hat her way as she turns, giving me a double-take as I watch her drift back off toward the girls.

—

Several days pass with no sight of her, and I begin to wonder where she’s hiding. I’ve not seen the girls either, the property eerily quiet for this time of day. I check for them every night on my walk to supper, passing the main house on my way.  Tonight though, I walk with Elijah and do my best to not seem obvious as I look for any sign of the girls or Y/N. 

We can smell the food a good few minutes before we reach the Dining House, and I can feel my stomach start to  rumble with hunger. I haven't eaten since breakfast this morning, skipping lunch to finish polishing the leather saddles. My feet start to carry me faster as the smell of supper gets stronger, and Elijah matches my pace. 

“Eager for supper?” he asks, shooting me a grin. 

“Yessir, always.” I respond, pulling open the door to let him enter. 

We both enter the line, and as we make our way towards the serving table I see her. My brow furrows in confusion and Elijah must have noticed. 

“Ain’t usual for her to be in here,” he pauses, “Must be some good reason.”

I nod my head in agreement, but when I watch the smile on her face grow as she serves the food, I find a smile appearing on my own lips. 

A nervous flutter fills my belly as I step up to her, holding out my plate as she scoops the rice dish onto it. It’s not something I recognize, but it smells like heaven. 

“Hello Jacob,” she grins, sneaking me an extra half serving. Her eyelashes dust her pink cheeks as she suddenly seems bashful. 

“Hey there,” I answer with a smirk, “Wasn’t expecting to see you in here this evening.”

She nods as her tongue wets her lips, “No, no. You’re right, I convinced Harrell to let me try a new recipe tonight and it was only right that I serve it as well. Was hoping to get everyone's true opinion on it.”

Shock fills me as I look at her, “You made this?”

She nods a shy nod as she scoops the dish onto the next man's plate. “I did. I hope you like it.”

I want to answer her but before I can get the words out, I am at the end of the serving line and she’s moved on to the next person. I make my way towards the table Elijah selected for the night, setting down my plate as my mind reels about her cooking. 

“I’m just as surprised to see her as you are,” he smiles, taking a large bite of his food. “She is never in here with us.”

“Yeah, she just told me she made this meal and wanted to help serve it.”

“Well I’ll be sure to let her know what I think,” he says, as I take my first bite, and as I taste it, I know that if I wasn’t already in love with the woman, I sure would be now.

—

With my belly full of Y/N’s delicious meal, I feel myself starting to grow tired. Today was a long day, and one of the horses got ornery on me. I know that once I return to my quarters I will fall right into bed and sleep straight through ‘til morning. 

I feel an elbow nudge at my side, startling me from my tired daydreaming. I see that Y/N has joined me at the table, finally finished with her duties. 

“Well, did you enjoy it?” he asks, twiddling her thumbs together in her lap. 

“Best meal I’ve had since I’ve been here, swear it.”

She smiles at me through closed lips, her eyes twinkling in the dimness of the room. “Would you like to go somewhere with me?” she asks. 

“Me?”

“Yes you, I want to show you something.” she confirms, her eyes never leaving mine. 

I turn to look at Elijah, who is already looking at me with a grin. He raises his eyebrows and turns back to his conversation, silently telling me I should go. As I turn to look back at her I nod my head, “‘M all yours.”

—

The air has started to cool significantly since the sun went down, and I now find myself unrolling my sleeves as Y/N and I walk. I have yet to walk this path since I have been here, never finding myself on this side of the property. It’s quite beautiful, a long winding dirt path that is leading up towards the wooded area of the grounds. 

“Where exactly are you taking me?” I ask, flashing her a small curious smile. 

“Only the best place on the whole property. My favorite place in the world, I think,” she answers, pulling my arm as we take a right at the fork in the path. The moon is shining through the large oak trees, a silver blue cast landing on her face. Our arms are now intertwined, and I feel my heart start to beat a little harder at the contact. 

“We’re almost there now,” she continues, gripping my arm tightly as if I could fly away at any moment. 

A few minutes later we are approaching a beautiful pond, surrounded by Oak trees filled with low hanging spanish moss. The moon reflects onto the lake a perfect round circle in the rippling water. She leads me to a tree close to the bank of the pond, perching herself on a soft patch of grass. I sit down next to her, letting my legs stretch out and crossing them at the ankles. I lean back on my hands to match her position, feeling the soreness of my body from today's work. 

“This is a very beautiful place,” I say softly, breaking the silence.

“I’ve come here since I was a child,” she answers, her tone soft, matching mine. 

“Tell me about your family,” I say, turning to look at her as she fiddles with her braid. 

“I wish there was more to tell, but sadly there isn’t. They aren’t here anymore.”

I swallow harshly, “Mine either.”

Her eyes quickly dart to mine, “I’m so sorry, Jacob.”

“Do you think you will have a family one day?” I ask, changing the subject.

“I do, but I don’t believe it will be of my own choice,” she answers, causing me to furrow my brows. 

“Why’s that?” I ask, wondering what she could mean. 

“Well,” she pauses, looking towards the moonlit pond, “I believe that Mr. Drayton has plans for me.”

I feel my blood start to heat, “What sort of plans?”

She lets out a long, pained exhale. “I was to be married to Charles. Mister Drayton’s only son. He and I were courting when he was drafted for the war.” she pauses, swallowing hard. “He never came back, passed on in battle I was told. Mister Drayton was very angry for some time, though he allowed me to move to the property to be with the family. It’s how I came to care for the girls.”

“I see.” I breathe. I’d never heard of Charles in my time here, so this came as a surprise.

“One night, Mister Drayton was on a drunk. He wasn’t fairing well with Charles’ passing. He told me I was to give him the heir to his fortune, whether it be Charles or him, and with Charles gone, I knew what he was insinuating,” she pauses. “Thankfully he has never spoken of it again, and I do my best to avoid him in the home.”

“Y/N, that’s– He can’t do that. What about Mrs. Drayton?” I stumble.

“She can only bear girls, apparently. Though I don’t know how true that is,” she murmurs. “I believe that Charles and I– We could have–I did love him…”

“I am very sorry for your loss, Y/N,” I say, truly grieving for her and her situation. 

“Thank you, Jacob. Though much time has passed now, and I have finally begun to feel something again after all this time,” she says, turning to me and resting her head on her shoulder. “Thanks to you.”

I feel my cheeks heat with diffidence as I take in the beauty of her face and the authenticity of her words.  I reach for her small, soft hand, and bring it to my lips, pressing a delicate kiss to the top of her palm. “I as well, Miss Y/N.”

We sit there for a few still minutes, watching the turtles come to the top of the water. I feel content in her presence and I believe she feels content in mine. She is beautiful in the lighting, and I yearn to tell her so, but I think it inappropriate after all she has shared with me tonight. 

“It is getting rather late,” I say, looking to her. “I should get you back.”

“One of the other housemaids is tending to the children tonight. I was hoping for you and I to take this walk this evening,” she answers with a sweet smile. 

“I am very glad we did. Thank you for showin’ me this place. It’s very peaceful.”

“Could I walk with you back to your quarters?” she asks, taking my hand as I help her up from our grassy spot. 

“If you’d  like, though you do not have to,” I answer, hoping she will choose to join me. 

“I’d like that very much,” she says, as she grabs my chilled hand and begins to pull me back down the walking path. 

—

Far too quickly we reach my living quarters, the conversation between us flowing so naturally it’s as if she's waited for someone to connect with in this way. I hang on her every word, memorizing every facet of her face as she speaks so freely to me. It’s only when we reach my door that I remember how exhausted I truly am. 

“Would you… would you like to join me inside? It isn’t much to look at, but it is warmer there,” I say shyly.

A gentle smile parts her lips as she softly shakes her head, “No Jacob, I must get back to the main house. I don’t want to be caught by Mr. Drayton. He tends to wander the main floor at this hour.”

“I understand, you must go then,” I say, feeling a sharp pain ripple through my abdomen. 

“Are you alright?” Y/N asks startled, reaching for my arm. 

“Yes, yes,” I lie, “Just weary from the day's work. You go, and I will be seeing you, alright?”

“Thank you, Jacob,” she smiles, pulling her hand from my arm, and lifting her skirts to run towards the main house. 

I watch until I can no longer see her before stepping inside my quarters. Quickly I remove my shirt to see what has pained me, and what I find is something I was warned of. My burn scar is fiery red and angry. My first signs that my time here is beginning to tick away. 

Remembering Seraphine’s warning, I quickly find my bag of personal effects and reach for my book that is to be my guide to my next jump. I open it swiftly to the next page, and much to my dismay, ink has begun to spread across the page. “Damn it…” I mumble, feeling a rush of anxiousness run through me. The words are not yet visible, but I know that in a short amount of time they will, and my time here with Y/N will be done. 

—

Two Weeks Later

It’s been a fortnight since mine and Y/N’s first walk to the pond, and since that night, she’s joined me every evening since, pacing around and wasting our time together. We’ve been talking and getting to know one another, and I take my time in knowing that in this life, her personality feels so eerily different, yet her soul is just the same. I can’t help but notice that her body language has changed just a bit… almost as if she is becoming more and more comfortable with me as the days pass. I’ll never overstep the boundary, though my hands are aching to reach out and touch her. 

Tonight after our walk, Elijah has joined me in the stables for a nightcap. We can see our breath as it floats over the air, and even though I have been around the cold, I have never really had to live and work in it. 

“I’ll bring you a pair of my spare gloves tomorrow, got sheep’s wool on the insides. Keep your hands from blisterin’ in this temperature,” Elijah offers, noticing the dryness of my hands. 

“Appreciate that, friend,” I reply, rubbing them together. 

“Mmmhm,” he goes on, passing the whiskey bottle back to me. “Can’t have Ms. Y/N noticin’ your hands rough on her, now, can we?” he jests. 

“Elijah… Now…” I scold him as he laughs at me. 

“Gonna get in over your head, boy. Better watch yourself. Mr. Drayton may not show his face much, but he ain’t none to bother with. I can assure you of that,” he warns. “Don’t want you to be the one causin’ trouble in his paradise.”

I take another sip of the spirit and take a deep inhale, watching as the stars begin to debut themselves in the sky. “Trouble always finds me. I’m used to running from it. The hard part is deciding what kind of trouble to stick around for.”

He studies me as silence falls between us. “You love her?”

I dart my eyes to him. “I barely know her, Eli. How can I love someone I hardly know?” I hope that I am a better liar than I am a friend. Little does Elijah know, our friendship is destined to be short-lived, and his apparent judge of my character as of late is spot-on.

“‘Cause I see that look in your eyes whenever she’s ‘round. See your face shade, your hands jitter. I may be well past my prime, but I know a man in love when I see one.” He cackles again as he pushes my shoulder, taking another nip from the bottle.

I shake my head at him. “You’re drunk, Eli.”

“And what of it, kid?” he smiles. 

Just then, we’re interrupted by the ghost of an image running across the front doors of the stables, rushing past without even a pause. “What in God’s name was that?” he asks as we both stand to rush to the door. In the darkness, I catch sight of the billowing skirts of a woman’s dress rushing through the high grasses of the field. “Is that Ms. Y/N?!”

“It is,” I breathe, frozen in place as I watch her run for her life.

“Speak of the devil…” Elijah whispers, and within seconds, I am running behind her, following her across the grasses and into the field. I have to run at full speed to catch up to her, and it is only when I get close that I can hear that she is crying. 

“Y/N,” I yell after her. “Stop!”

She finally slows her pace as she hears me behind her, folding herself in half as she crouches down into the weeds and grasses. As I finally reach her, I hear her wailing… her face full of terror and tears as she tries to make herself calm. My heart falls. Something bad has happened. 

I kneel beside her and place my hand gently on her knee, her dress scuffed up and dirty from the muddy ground. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?” I ask, desperate to help her. 

“Mr. Drayton… he–he’s drunk…” she cries. Her hair is falling from it’s usual perfect braid, messy and in her face as it sticks to her tear-soaked cheeks. Her voice is barely audible from her cries. “He finally tried to–to take his chance…”

“What chance, Y/N? What did he do?” I ask, pushing the hair from her face to get a better look at her.

All she does is look up at me, an emotion worse than fear written all over her. “Did he hurt you?” I ask. Her face falls as her hands grip onto me, using me to hold herself up. 

“He tried, but I broke free, I ran,” she says. “He almost… He nearly…”

I feel a rage billowing up inside me, one that I have never really felt before. And I realize in this very moment that I’d go to the end of the earth to find that man, and do whatever it took to make him feel the fear that is radiating from her, right now.

 “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him,” I whisper.

“No, no you’re not, Jacob. You’ll do nothing of the sort,” she demands, her voice suddenly deep and commanding.

“Where are the girls?” I ask. “Are they safe?”

“Yes, yes,” she sobs. “They’re with their mother in Virginia.” I study her face as she tries to clean herself up, wiping her tears and fixing her hair as I still keep a firm grip on her shoulders. 

“Go back to my quarters. Run. Go inside, lock it behind you.  I’ll be right there,” I say. Her eyes peer up to me, and I swear that I see the entire universe in them, just like I did that day at the dock. 

“Alright,” she whispers, and to my surprise, she doesn’t argue. She wants to go. I help her get to her feet and I lead us out of the grasses, sending her off quickly toward my quarters. I rush back to the stables to find Elijah trying to busy himself, probably confused as he watched us in the field from afar. 

“Saw her head back your way, son. Why’d you come back here?” he laughs. 

“This isn’t a time for laughter, Eli,” I say as I finish up the duties I had half-ignored earlier. The whiskey is long gone from my system after that rush of nerves. 

“Oh,” he says, now full of concern. “Is… is she alright?”

I don’t answer, instead I give him a look that I know he will recognize. He takes my glare as it is, nodding in understanding. “I’ll take care of the rest of this, son. Go on. Go to her.”

Within minutes I am back to the line of small, run-down buildings under the iron oaks, rushing through the drying mud to get to my own. I step up on the singular wooden step, seeing that she has lit a candle inside. “It’s me,” I say quietly as I knock on the door. I hear her rustle inside before the lock is being undone and the door is slowly swinging open. She’s wrapped in my blanket, slowly pacing around the place as her eyes stay trained on the floor. 

I turn and lock the door again behind me. I’d long since let the fire burn out, so I take my time in relighting it, adding my breath to the few still-burning embers to create a flame. I throw four or five logs on and make sure they catch before turning my attention. She’s still pacing behind me, and I wrack my mind trying to think of what to do, what to say. What do I even say?

After the fire is lit, I feel it beginning to warm the air around us quickly. I take a seat on my bed, watching as her back repeatedly turns to and from me. Her anxiety is making me nervous. 

“Y/N,” I finally whisper. “Come here, come sit.” I put my hand to the bed beside me, knowing that if I am going to even begin to comfort her tonight, I first need her to relax just a bit. Easier said than done, I already know. 

She pauses a second, her thumbnail between her two front teeth. Finally she comes and sits beside me, letting out a shaky breath I know she has been holding since she got here. I know she is terrified, I know her mind is on another plane, entirely. Slowly, I feel her head crane sideways to rest on my shoulder, and her breathing even out just a bit. I bring my arm around her back and shoulders, pulling her in just a bit to let her know that she can relax. “It’s alright, you’re safe here. I’m not goin’ to let anything else happen to you.”

I hear her sniffle through a cry, but this one sounds different than her ones in the field. This one sounds as if she has let her demons fall away, letting the light of clarity overtake her. “You can stay here as long as you like,” I offer. I feel her head nod on my shoulder. 

Then, like all of the stars align, her arm wraps up and around me, and I feel her face bury against my neck. I shudder at it, my skin burning as I feel her breath lay hot against me. 

“Thank you, Jacob,” she whispers, pressing her lips to the skin right below my ear. I know she can hear my heartbeat, there is no way that she can’t. My body is swirling with a fondness that I’ve found only in her, a warmth that only she can bring to my chest.

We stay this way for a few minutes as I feel her body start to soften against mine, and her fear begin to slowly subside. I know that soon, we will have to move from this position, especially if I want to continue to be the gentleman that I am. 

“You can have the bed, I will take the floor,” I suggest, moving from my seat. 

“No–” she says quickly. “No… I–Don’t be ridiculous. It’s too cold, you’ll freeze to death on the floor.”

I stand and meet her eyes, glowing just like the embers in my fireplace. “Then where do you suggest I sleep, Ma’am?”

Her face flushes as she brings her lips into her mouth, wetting them slightly before she speaks. “By me, of course. For warmth…”

All the air leaves my lungs, and I’m positive I couldn’t form a coherent word, if I tried. “Warmth…” I repeat.

She nods. “Would be a shame for either of us to… freeze…” I swallow down my emotions as she stands from her seat, letting the blanket she’s wrapped in fall back to the bed behind her. Her hands crawl to the center of her robes that are tied at the front of her chest. She pulls the tie, letting her heavy cloak fall to the floor, as well. She’s standing before me in much less clothing than I thought I’d see her in, tonight, but the last thing I’m going to do is argue it. She steps closer to me, and I can feel my nerves begin to bubble up inside me again. She turns slowly, pulling her hair to the side. “Help with my corset?” she asks, peering over her shoulder. 

My fingers tremble in rhythm with the pounding of my heart in my chest as I think about her inquiry. I can’t deny her, who would I be to not help her? With shaking hands I take the ends of the light blue ribbon between my fingers, giving it a light tug to free the bow and knot. It’s funny, knowing in the back of my mind that I have already done this once before, that day on the dock. In another life, in another time, completely…

I loosen the ribbon and gently pull it, watching as she is able to take a full, deep breath after being freed of her confines. She lets the corset fall and she kicks it away, slowly turning to face me. I know the look on my face is surprising to say the least, but the way that the firelight ignites her features makes me fall for her all over again. So ethereally beautiful, so tempting in an uncountable amount of ways.

She shivers harshly as the warmth from the fire hits her skin. “Would you like my… coat…?” I ask her, realizing the question is stupid as soon as I say it.

She laughs through her nose, shaking her head side to side. Her hands climb up to undo the buttons of my coat, slowly pulling them free one by one. My heart is in my throat, and I hope that she doesn’t notice my growing anxiousness. Her hands are barely touching me, and I can already hear my own breath becoming ragged. She pulls the jacket from my shoulders and I toss it to the side, my eyes never once leaving her face. Her fingertips slip underneath the straps of my suspenders, pulling them down to my sides one at a time. She’s moving so slowly that I could scream, but at the same time, there’s nothing I would want to last longer.

Next she begins to unfasten the buttons of my shirt, slowly still as she uses care to undo them. I feel a chill rush through my body at the touch of her hands on my barren skin, mixing in with my growing need for her to touch me more. “See, you’re cold, Jacob,” she says quietly. 

“Your hands are like ice,” I mutter, my words sounding like mush in my mouth.

“Not for long,” she reassures me, pulling my arms free from the sleeves of my shirt. I watch as her expression changes, seeing me without any covering for the second time. She pulls the chain that hangs around my neck, straightening it so that the silver charm is settled in the center of my chest. “Where did you get this?”

“My brother made it for me,” I choke out, the memory of Joshua’s face racing through my mind for a split second. 

“It’s beautiful,” she says, still running her hands along the chain, her fingertips barely dusting across my skin.

“Are you sure you do not want the bed, Y/N,” I ask rhetorically, trying to break free from the mesmerizing feeling of her touch. 

She nods. “I’m sure. I want you… with me.”

“You do?” I ask, again. 

“Yes,” she breathes, releasing the chain. She brings her face close to mine, her the tip of her pointer finger resting on the underside of my chin. “I have for weeks…” She pushes me backward, and I try my best to not stumble as I kick my boots off, leaving them laid across the floor. 

She crawls backward into the bed, slitting her legs under the covers as she leaves them half-pulled back for me.  I grab the blanket she had let fall behind her to cover us, as well, and against every nerve ending in my body telling me not to, I slide in beside her. I feel her shiver as the heat from our bodies meets, warm and welcoming as we rely on each other for it. She presses into my side as she shudders through it again. “Are you okay?” I ask, pulling my arm around her. 

“I am now,” she breathes. 

Her head comes to lay beside mine on my singular pillow, and I turn my face to meet hers. I can tell the both of us are having trouble steadying our breaths, and I can feel my hands burning to reach out and touch her. Like she can hear my thoughts, her hand reaches up to rest on my chest, her skin a bit warmer than it was before. 

“Your heart, Jacob. It’s pounding,” she says. I swallow it down, suddenly feeling confident. 

“Of course it is, I’m lying beside you,” I say, watching as her eyes scan my face. The glimmer of the fire reflects in them, only making them harder to look away from.  “You’re– I’m enamored by you.”

“But, I’m nothing but a nurserymaid,” she answers, smiling just a little. 

I shake my head, letting my hand land on her cheek as I whisper, “No, you’re more than just that. You’re the most desirable being that I’ve ever encountered.”

I hear her inhale as her lips press quickly to mine, light and feathery at first as she lets them linger for only a second, before pulling away. She studies me again, and when she finds that I’m not denying her, she leans in again, this time with a bit more conviction. My hand that was resting on her cheek now cups her jaw as I kiss her back, my entire body burning with a heat that the fire beside me must envy. Her lips are softer than any flower petal I’ve ever held, and her touch is more edacious than any hold I’ve ever felt. I let myself become blind in the moment, realizing that every passing second with her is not promised for long. 

I can taste her already. Sweet and just a little bit spicy as I take the initiative, letting my tongue begin to explore a little further. I hear the quietest whimper fall from her lips, and a surge of desire floods me. My muscles begin to become rigid in my body, and I give in to the temptation, removing my hand from her cheek to the back of her head, gently pulling a handful of her hair into a loose fist. Then I let it travel from there to her shoulder, then down her arm, then to balance on her waist. I feel her hips move into me as her lips part further than they have yet, urging me on as I feel her body pressed up against me. 

I watch through hooded lids as her hands drift up to unbutton the top half of her gowns, revealing herself completely to me. I pull away for a second, and I feel my eyes bulge as I hiss through my teeth. Her tits sit so perfectly, and she’s displaying herself to me on a silver platter. My body tenses with want again as I feel myself growing harder for her. Her hands move from her buttons to tangle ferociously in my hair, pulling and entwining her fingers as I hungrily dive in for her again. This time the sound that falls from her lips is audible, and I can hardly contain myself as I let a pitiful moan fall, myself. 

“Fuck… You’re…” I manage to say as I roll myself to lean up on my elbow, and my knee slots between her legs. Her hand pulls on my arm to bring me in closer, and her hips grind down onto my leg.  My hand harshly grips onto her hip as I help her in her motions and pull her down on me, wanting to feel her just as badly as she probably feels me.

For a split second I find clarity, thinking back on the situation with Mr. Drayton that got her here, in the first place. I pray that she doesn’t feel uncomfortable, or for some reason that we must do this in order for her to stay with me. I pull away quickly, my hand still resting on her hip, my thumb dangerously close to her heat beneath her dressings. “Are you sure you want to be here? After everything tonight–”

“I don’t want to step foot into that house ever again,” she cuts me off. We stare at one another and I realize that we’re both out of breath, panting and heavy in the throes of our want for each other. Like she really wants to drive her positivity home, she takes my hand from her waist, pressing it to her barren breast. I pause before I let my hand grip on to her, and the feeling is unlike anything I’ve felt in a long, long while. 

I decide to give in to her want for pleasure, and I begin massaging, my hand paying a special bit of attention to her more sensitive places. I grip her nipple between my fingers and kiss her harder, her body falling harshly onto my leg again as she searches for some type of relief. “God, Jacob...” Her motions are driving me wild, and I beg the heavens above to show mercy on me and my impure actions. I’ve never been a religious man, and it seems in this life, neither is she, but when your mind is stuck in the purgatory between manners and a lust heavier than anything you’ve ever felt, you begin to wonder if you need to apologize to someone for it. 

Thankfully, my life is now a permanent purgatory, and deciding whether I go to Heaven or Hell isn’t up to me, anymore. 

“Touch me, Jacob,” she breathes, and I swear that even if God’s army was fighting against me, I still wouldn’t be able to tell her no. 

I pull the blankets even higher around us, and the fire beside us cracks, sending sparks up into the air. Quickly, my hand manages to creep under her garments and between her thighs now thick with the heat we’ve created. My mind swishes with desire as my hand searches, taking my time to caress her, feel her, tease her…

Finally I find where I was looking for and I slip my hand beneath her underwear, quickly sending my middle finger between her folds. God, the sound that comes from her is enough to make me want to come undone, in itself. She’s dripping with wetness, covering my finger like sun warmed honey. I want to taste her, I want to feast on her and have her calling my name over and over, but I know that will have to wait for another time. 

Her hands are still gripped tightly in my hair as I watch her expressions turn up into the most beautiful pleasure, spurring me on to work her through every single bit of lustfulness she’s felt for me. I hear her voice bellow out with a shudder of her stomach, and I know I’ve found her sweet spot. “Yes?” I ask her. 

She nods quickly, “Yes,” she breathes, biting onto my lips as I continue rubbing circles onto her. “Yes, please, please…” she cries, panting through her words. She’s so deliciously desirable as she lets herself be vulnerable with me, and I fear that my emotions and want for her will never be satiated. Ever. In this lifetime, or any other. And I haven’t even made love with her, yet. 

I let my finger slowly enter her, and I begin pumping it inside her, watching as her jaw falls completely slacked. “Jacob…” she cries, my name in two syllables. 

“M’right here, my love… right here…” I coax her, feeling no resentment in using that word with her, right now. My finger is buried deep inside her, and I feel her walls squeezing tightly around it. Our bodies are burning together, and I swear that I have never heard anything as sweet as my name on her lips. Her fingernails are digging into my skin as her hips begin to grind on my hand, viscous and ragged and messy as she searches for her peak. “Kiss me, Y/N,” I beg, “I want you to let go, and I want you to kiss me through it…” 

Her lips crash onto mine again, this time with a want so furious I contemplate begging God to just let me go to Hell, if this is what I get to experience, there. Her tongue buries itself in my mouth as she licks up all of me that she can, knowing that the taste of me will be her downfall, too. She begins whimpering into my mouth, quietly at first before it builds and builds, echoing off the walls like a song sung by the archangels. I feel her whole body tighten as it hits her, pitiful and writhing as I feel her on my hand. My strands are pulled taut in her hands as she cries through the comedown, her lips still pressed forcefully to mine as she shakes.

Finally her body relaxes and my hair loosens in her grip, and I watch as her eyes peep open and see my face for the first time after experiencing her own version of a miracle. The way her gaze bounces back and forth from each of my eyes, I briefly wonder if she is deciding whether or not she’s made a mistake, but as her hands grip my face and she kisses me again, I know that my suspicion was unwarranted. 

I remove my hand from her undergarments and lift her body, twisting her so that her back is to me, now. I cuddle myself into her hair, breathing in her scent and committing this version of her into the very depths of a memory that I won’t get to keep. My first time making her come for me, an experience that I never thought I would get to have in my other life. Neither of us say a word for a very long while as I make myself comfortable against her under the warmth of the covers. 

“I was going to run away,” I hear her voice cut through the quiet of the night, startling me from what was near-sleep.

“What?” I ask.

“I was going to run from this place, from Mr. Drayton,” she says. “Start my own life my own way, do things on my own accord. But now, now I think I feel a little differently.” She turns her body to face me as I stay silent and wait for her explanation. “I’ve developed feelings for you, Jacob, feelings that I wasn’t sure I would ever have again. Not since losing Charles in the War…” 

“No,” I interrupt her. “You can’t stay here, if you’d already had your mind set. Especially after what he could have done to you tonight… You should go. You should go as soon as you can.” Even though my love for her has grown tenfold in the past hour, there is nothing more I want for her than her own happiness, and if that happiness doesn’t include me, then so be it. 

“What about you?” she asks. 

I stop and think for a second, realizing that the only thing tying me here, is her. “I’ll go with you.”

“Really?!” she beams. “You’re not joking, Jacob?”

I shake my head, a smirk finding my lips. “I’m not joking, Y/N.”

“How? What will we do?” she asks. 

I roll to my back, staring at the wood-slat ceiling above us and letting my mind fly away to a reality only I can create. 

“I’ve got a plan.”

—

Seven days have passed. Seven days of repeating the plan to each other over and over in the quiet of the night. I feel certain that she can do this, and I hope I have instilled in her the confidence she needs to carry out this plan. Elijah knows what to do, and I have spent the last week preparing him to take over my role. The nights have been long but I know they will be worth it. 

Today she will run. She will take the last steam boat set to depart at half past four, and I will join her when Elijah gives me the word that it is safe for me to join her. My things are packed and ready, and Elijah has given me an advance in my payment to last me for the next few weeks. Called it his parting gift for teaching him my ways. 

The day seems to drag on, and I check my pocketwatch far too often. Time seems to be moving in slow motion as I count down the hours until we run. When the clock hits four I feel the nerves start to settle in my stomach, and my mind begins to run through worst case scenarios. I fear Mr. Drayton will see her attempting to leave and trap her. 

My burn has begun to pain me daily, the ink in the book becoming more and more legible. I quickly make my way to my quarters and grab my belongings, closing the door behind me for the last time. I return to the stables and find that Elijah seems to be just as nervous as I am, his knee bouncing up and down as he watches the tour guests make their way back to the steam boat. 

“It is almost time my brother,” he says in a low voice. 

“Have you caught sight of her yet?” I ask, biding my farewell to the horses I have grown rather fond of.

“Not yet, but soon I reckon,” he answers with a tip of his chin. 

I reach into my pocket, double checking that I have her ribbon. I am doing this for her, and I cannot leave this time without a reminder of her. A light blue ribbon to add to my book. A place marker to be sure I remember her in every life. 

“I want to thank you, Elijah,” I pause, “I couldn’t have done all of this without you.”

“It has been my pleasure, and I wish you a prosperous life in the future, wherever that may be.”

I smile at him, little does he know just how fitting his words are to my situation. 

“She’s there,” he says, “She is at the dock. I see her.”

I feel my body begin to tremble at his words. She's done it. 

“It’s your time now, friend,” Elijah says, standing and extending his hand to me. I shake it in thanks, the both of us saying everything we need to say, wordlessly. 

I grab my bag and tip my hat to him as I slip out the side of the stable house and begin to make my way to the ferry. I keep my head low and try to blend in with the folks around me. They are dressed way finer than I am, and I hope that doesn’t make me stick out to others. 

My breathing grows heavy as I make my way down the dock, knowing that I should be able to find Y/N at the very back of the boat, just as we planned. The moment I step onto the boat I feel home free, though I know that is not the case just yet. 

I make my way through the small crowd of people, offering thanks as they let me pass, and as I reach the very back I find her, sitting on a small wooden bench with a suitcase in her hands. Her head is down, just like I told her, but I could recognize the gleam of the sun on her hair, anywhere. 

“Y/N,” I breathe, taking a seat next to her. “We made it.” 

She turns to look at me with eyes full of hope, and slowly a smile spreads across her face. I brush my lips against her cheek as I kiss her, her hand reaching for mine. 

“Everything is going to be okay, I made sure that no one followed us. We should depart soon.”

“Thank you, Jacob. Thank you,” she urges, squeezing my hand tightly in hers. 

I feel the boat begin to pull away from the dock and the relief rolls off of me in waves. No one is going to stop us. We are finally free. 

“The girls,” I breathe, suddenly remembering the reason I was able to speak with her in the first place.

“I wrote them. Each of them. Left the letters under their pillows for them to find. I will miss them terribly but I know I have taught them well.”

“I know you have. They were lucky to have you,” I confirm. 

“They were going to be my little sisters, I’m happy I was able to be that for them for as long as we had…” she says, pursing her lips. 

About halfway to the city I turn to look at her. The hope she feels is contagious, though she doesn’t know of my plans. I wish I could stay with her.  I hardly slept last night as I tossed and turned with anxiety over it. Every day my burn scar hurts worse, andI know that at any moment I will leave this time and find myself in the next. I know this will hurt her deeply, so I say nothing of it. I know she will be safe now, and she didn’t notice as I slipped the small bag of money into her suitcase. I won’t need it, but she will. 

Her body has grown more and more relaxed over the last several minutes, and as I turn to look at her, I see she has fallen asleep on the sidewall of the boat. I know it’s time. I know what I must do. I have saved her from Mr. Drayton and a life that she was running from. I loved her the best way I knew how in this life, and now it is time for me to move on to the next and do the same, whatever that may be. 

With one final kiss to her cheek, I grab my bag and move away from her, remembering her only by the blue ribbon in my pocket. “Don’t miss me, Y/N… I will see you again soon.” It  is the hardest thing to do, walking away from her, but I know I must go.

I find myself in a small corridor on the interior of the boat, lined with doors and the engine room. I slip into one of the rooms, a storage closet of sorts and I know this place will work for what I must accomplish. Shutting the door behind me I take a deep breath, telling myself I will remember this life and this version of my love. I will always remember her.

I pull my book from my bag and retrieve the blue ribbon from my pocket, tucking it into the page that reads ‘Charleston’. I couldn’t bring myself to turn to the next page. I’m not ready to see where I will land, but now, I have no choice. I pull the small mirror from my bag and open it, looking at myself in the reflection for the first time in several weeks. I look gruff and could use a serious shave, but I look happy. I look determined. I swallow deeply as I turn to the next page in the book, the ink dark and clear as day now. My hands tremble as I recall the words Seraphine recited to me, and prepare myself to start all over again, in a different time. 

“Echoed glass, reveal the way, through the veil of night or day. Turn the key, unlock the door, let me walk through time once more.”

The feeling of euphoria takes over me as the words do what they were intended to do. A curse bestowed upon me, to chase my love forever through space and time. I think of my love and how I will find her in the next place. I feel the small space begin to swirl around me, my vision beginning to fade in and out as I start my jump to another world. Forcing my eyes to focus, I finally read the words on the page in front of me, and pray that Y/N will love me in this new time and place, just as she has in the past. 

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[gretavanmoon]

Does anyone else feel like “writing hours” are SO much shorter than regular hours? I can sit down to write at 9am and suddenly it’s 6pm… like where did the entire day go?? I haven’t even eaten yet