greyizh

[greyizh]

Until next year,

One day out of the year,

I approximately get one day out of the whole year, to have just to myself.

To be fair, I'd like to think I'm pretty selfless, or I can be pretty selfless. Because I'll I've known, and all that brings me happiness, is caring and/or giving for others.

And on this day of every year, is the day everyone is selfless for me. They give and they show how much they care. And the more I think about it, I think that's where the genuine uncomfortable, icky feeling for this one day out of the year comes from.

I quite literally used to loathe and avoid this time out of the year, just because of how everyone treated me.

So - this year, I made it different.

Obviously, the only people who have this day practically memorized is my family, and only my family.

So, this year when that one particular day out of the month and year was coming up, I decided to keep quiet, and not say a word or post a thing on anything about this day of the month and the year. Purposely so, that no one, like my closest friends or regular friends, don't plan anything specific and special for this particular day.

It was a smart move, and one that I planned to myself and only to myself.

And it worked.

Today is that day out of the month and year.

Of course, I did something only with my family the day before the day, and on the day, I just spent to myself. I thought of it as a gift for myself. Especially with all the mental and physical improvement I did for myself these last few weeks. I mean, I think the bestest present to myself, is doing things I enjoy by myself, with myself only.

And honestly, this day out of all the previous days on the previous years, has been the best. Today, I've actually smiled, and the smiles were genuine. That is something I've never experienced until today.

Anyways, I guess that's my rant

Until next year,

-Greyson

[greyizh]

Adonis, tr. by Khaled Mattawa, Selected Poems

[greyizh]

Most people would think I want to cry, when in reality I want to drive to the middle of fucking nowhere and scream as loud as I fucking can from the deepest part of my fucking dead lungs and aging heart for 10 mins straight.

[greyizh]

Anxiety is so fucked up

Tears me apart and breaks me down

In a million fucking ways

And I let it get the best of me

Each time

[greyizh]

Sometimes I refuse to sleep, because at 3am is the calmest I ever feel. Not that my body isn’t dying of anxiety. But the world is silent. No one expects anything of you. No one in that moment can make you feel terrible. Only you can. And there’s a weird power in that. 

[greyizh]

I just feel so defeated right now. Don’t know what to say to anyone anymore. I’m not okay, it hurts. I had a breakdown. All these sentences can’t seem to do justice to what I feel now. I feel defeated in life, with my body, with the things that have plagued me my entire life. I’m defeated and I can’t get back up. Music isn’t sad enough. Substances aren’t numbing enough. Good things aren’t a thing anymore. The degree of hopeless I exist with isn’t something any person can survive with.

[greyizh]

"All these days have turned these months into a year. And I've been spending every second wishing I could disappear."

Mayday Parade, "I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All"

[greyizh]

your special - but not that special.

so shut the fuck up and sit your ass down.

-to: me

[greyizh]

you couldn’t give me a break without shoving it all down my throat and being content with it while trying to breathe

you couldn’t give me a break without bashing my head against a brick wall and expecting me to recover perfectly while trying not to see double

you couldn’t give me a break, yet - i endure it. you bash me, shove it all down my throat, and yet - ill sit there with a smile on my face, trying not to break in front of you.

you couldn’t give me a break, and yet - you don’t.

[greyizh]

you took it too far tonight

ill shake it off like the other times

because in the end, in the realization of all of this

you are right

i hate it when you’re right

i absolutely loathe it

but its true, and you’re correct

i absolutely loathe it

and i hate it when you’re right

you were right

in the beginning, in the nonfulfillment of all of this

i took it to heart, and i held that particular grudge

you have that right to take it that far

[greyizh]

ᴛʜᴇʏ sᴀʏ, "ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴀ ʟɪᴀʙɪʟɪᴛʏ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴇ" sᴏ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴘᴜʟʟ ʙᴀᴄᴋ, ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴘʟᴀɴs ɪ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴀɴᴅ, ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ʟɪᴀʙɪʟɪᴛʏ ɢᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟᴅ, ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ꜰᴏʀ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴏɴᴇ

[greyizh]

𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖎𝖙 𝖌𝖔𝖊𝖘, 𝖎 𝖘𝖆𝖎𝖉 𝖙𝖔𝖔 𝖒𝖚𝖈𝖍, 𝖎𝖙 𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖋𝖑𝖔𝖜𝖊𝖉 𝖜𝖍𝖞 𝖉𝖔 𝕴 𝖆𝖑𝖜𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖑𝖑? 𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖜 𝖆 𝖙𝖔𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖎𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖇𝖆𝖙𝖍𝖙𝖚𝖇 𝖎'𝖒 𝖘𝖎𝖈𝖐 𝖔𝖋 𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖌𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘 𝕴 𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖕𝖑𝖆𝖞

[greyizh]

although she rests her head on a bed of dead roses - sleeping beauty couldn’t compare to the sight of what i saw that night

[greyizh]

damned if we do, damned if we don’t

7.7.21 : what if?

[greyizh]

im going back to 505

if its a seven hour flight or a forty five minute drive

in my imagination your waiting lying on your side

with your hands between your thighs

[greyizh]

My fiancé: "You're the love of my life."

Me, holding back tears: "That's pretty cringe, bro"

[greyizh]

I still remember our first meeting

I was so nervous to sit next to you

I think I forgot how to talk

and then you started the conversation

and suddenly everything was fine