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[griefsucksblog]

Thinking.

It can be such a tricky thing. You start out with a simple thought and it ends up bringing up old memories, what if’s, and everything you still wish you could have done.

Life can be great, the beauty sometimes is free will, but why does it always seem there are strings attached? Everything is a domino effect. Doesn’t matter how good or bad you live your life, it all comes full circle.

If only I could answer all of the why questions in life, then I would be the richest person a live.

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I’m so frustrated when certain things are reminders of my mom’s illness she had.

Cancer….

Why couldn’t have I be smart enough to be a cancer doctor? Why couldn’t I solve the cancer problems? Help people live…

Instead I’ll be having those questions forever in my mind. As time goes on, and my days are numbered, I’ll be asking why?

It doesn’t help I’ve always been such a curious person, enjoying challenges, and never settling for the word “no”.

Reminders can be a shitty thing.

[griefsucksblog]

I have to say it feels refreshing to post on the internet and more than likely no one will read it, or find it. Which is fine, I don’t do this for likes, or follows. It feels good to tell the whole world about my mom, and just the feelings, stories, etc that come to mind that I would like to share. I do make a lot of posts on Facebook about her, but before she became really sick, she was always liking my stuff or leaving comments. My mom was such a fighter, she and her body, really fought until the end. I won’t ever understand why my mom had to get cancer, why she left the world the way she did, or why was she taken so young in life? There was so much more I wanted to do with her, so many more laughs, and memories I could have created with her. Now I feel my brain keeps what I had left with her stored far away into the back. Not because I’m ashamed or want to forget her, it’s just so hard to think she’s really gone. I still think she’s not far from me… but in reality she’s spiritually VERY far away, physically not so much. But again, her body is lifeless without her. I become so sad when I have to visit her grave. I keep thinking this can’t be real? How? Why? And I start all over from square 1.

I wish I had more answers.

Love you mom, love your Sam

[griefsucksblog]

Sure I’ll add something. Thanks Tumblr

Wide awake, can’t sleep. Why is it when I can’t sleep you are on my mind? It’s been a year and the pain I have felt over time isn’t getting better. Time in my opinion will not heal these wounds I have. Sometimes, they aren’t as open, and other days they won’t stop bleeding. I have had many nights of just crying and laying in what feels like a puddle of tears.

I can’t call you, I can’t hear you, I can’t see you, I can’t say I love you a million times.

I miss you so much mom…

Love your Sam

[griefsucksblog]

Hey mom, I miss and love you so much.

I smell your Scent every once in a while, it’s nice.

Love your Sam

[griefsucksblog]

5 months since I seen my mom last. I’m so fucking sad. There isn’t a second I’m not awake that I’m thinking about her. It’s so painful, and no ending in sight. Sometimes it gets to me and I start balling my eyes out. Just thinking about our last memories together, last conversations.

I don’t understand why she had to go the way she did. I don’t understand why God couldn’t give me a few more years with her…

My heart aches. I can’t sleep. Always disappointed when I wake up realizing she didn’t come visit me in my dreams. I feel in some ways she doesn’t because she doesn’t want me to grieve more, I know from her personality that’s the way she would view it. But truth is, makes me so happy when I get to see and hear her in my dreams. Fuck, I miss her. I just want so many hugs from her. I wanna lay in her arms for a lifetime.

I love and miss you so much mom

[griefsucksblog]

Grief.

Such a painful word to say outloud. It’s a word with no joy surrounding it. Just heartache, and sadness.

If someone told me losing your mom is the worst kind of pain you can imagine, I still wouldn’t have been able to really understand this sorta pain. Not ever, until losing my own mom.

The pain I carry I feel is something no one should have to carry. It’s like someone stabbing your heart every second, sometimes with long pauses in between. It feels as if all of my air I consume has been squeezed out of me. Endless thoughts, memories, and enteral sadness.

Sometimes I take comfort I will see my mom again one day, when it’s my time. But it feels like forever. Then I realize when I leave, I leave behind my daughters. How will I be able to do that? I can’t even imagine how my mom felt leaving behind my sister and I. No final good byes, no last conversations…. Now I pray my dreams will have her in them. Every morning I wake up, I’m again sad, because I didn’t get to see or hear her.

I love you mom, miss you so damn much.

[griefsucksblog]

3 months.

Feels like just yesterday my mom was here. Every time I close my eyes I can see her, I can see her face, and hear her voice.

Sometimes I have such vivid dreams of her. I hate when I wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Yesterday I had one, and she was crying. I couldn’t remember what she was trying to tell me. I always ask her to come into my dreams, I just keep waiting to hear her say she’s okay and at peace.

Maybe one day

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2 long months since my mom passed. I haven’t felt her yet, weird dreams that make me question if it was her or not. I have so much sadness and anger since she left. So many questions. Sometimes I want to seek out a medium, but who knows if it’s really her coming through? I feel my questions won’t be answered until it’s my time. (Hopefully a long long time from now). I just keep asking God every night to tell her I love and miss her. I try talking out loud to her, but it’s hard not to receive a response in return. Death is strange, and it’s even more strange when you watch someone pass. It’s not how I pictured my mom leaving, or her final moments in this world. She deserved better, and I wish every day I could have done that for her.

I love you mom

[griefsucksblog]

1 month & 13 days…..

Mom, I miss you. I keep thinking you are going to come into my dreams… but you haven’t. I keep thinking you will give me a sign that you are ok! But I haven’t seen or felt anything either.

My days are definitely more dim without you in them. I wish I could call you, or drive over to see you. I miss your voice, and smell so much. Your laugh was great. I know you wouldn’t want me to grieve this bad, but I just wasn’t ready for you to leave as fast as you did. I didn’t get a chance to say good bye and I love you, like I wanted.

I love you Mom

[griefsucksblog]

Day 21…

It’s been 21 long days without my mom. Before she passed, my mom went through many rounds of chemo. During her treatments, I tried to research the internet trying to find answers. I thought maybe, I could find something that would rattle one of the doctors minds, and then my mom could get cured. It didn’t matter how many rabbit holes I went down, it was clear her disease was something that science hasn’t been able to nail. There are so many gene mutations associated with AML. Some, many doctors and scientists have yet to figure out. AML is a deadly cancer, and time is NEVER on your side. I figured that out quickly. I’ll admit I didn’t think in less than a year I would be without my mom. She didn’t look that sick?! How could this beast take her over? I have so many questions… and so many what if’s swirling in my mind. Why couldn’t I solve my moms problem and make her better? Why couldn’t I take care of her, like she has my whole life????

[griefsucksblog]

It’s been 10 days since I lost my mom. I think about her often. I keep hoping she will give me a sign that she’s ok, at peace, and maybe even happy.

I miss being able to call her, I keep thinking why hasn’t she called me today? Then I realize I can’t call her, I can’t text her, I can’t go visit her and give her all the hugs.

I still can’t bring myself to go through her stuff. I see it everyday, and I know if I go through it, I won’t be able to pull myself together. I’m just not ready to accept she’s gone forever yet.

Losing a mother is difficult. Feels as if the only person who kept me grounded in this world has left. I’m lost, and I feel so very empty.

I miss and love you so much Mom

Love, your Sam

[griefsucksblog]

This is the blog in order to grieve the loss of my mom.

I lost my mom due to cancer, specifically AML which is a form of leukemia. I think her story needs to be shared and hopefully bring some light to my mom and to this terrible monster called CANCER. I think there are a lot of websites to be on, social media you can post, and whatever else. But maybe just actually writing it out, with no intended set audience is all I need.